Category Archives: Marriage

The Startup Lifestyle

There are no two ways about it: I am currently living the startup lifestyle. I say that not to glamorize anything, but rather to describe the 24/7 live, breathe, eat-mentality of my current season. Having worked for a startup many years back and well, being the spouse of a serial startupper, it’s times like these when I’m so grateful to be childfree. Seriously, if we had kids, they would surely starve and die bc my tunnelvision is no joke. Remember how I gave myself UTI as a kid? Yeah. Even now as an adult, I will forget to eat. I’m not bragging about it: it’s not a good thing, but I’m just crazy that way.

Part of it is that neither J nor I have ever been good at balancing and compartmentalizing. We are also chronic overthinkers and in some facets, we are perfectionists. So being in this place where the work and industry is new and I’m not knowledgeable or experienced, it taps into insecurities that I can only counter with work obsession. And then bc it’s like my own business, there are a gabillion other things to keep afloat, like what’s my next lead gen activity, what’s my marketing piece, how do I figure out closing gifts, what am I doing to cultivate existing leads, etc. Like I was supposed to start farming new neighborhoods with mailers, but I haven’t done any of that. And I need to be doorknocking again… it never ends. The good part is that I like working. The bad part is I can get very single-tracked when I’m in the zone.

For example, ever since J left his last startup a year ago, he’s wanted to hit up Europe. But I had that sales prospecting class in May and then things finally started to warm up… I just wouldn’t take the time off. Honestly, I just want to keep pounding. Thankfully, Bubs realized soon enough that he needed to make his plans without me, and he was fully prepared to travel solo. Then Susan decided to join last minute. They get along well together, and given the last year they’ve had, I’m happy she is accompanying him.

So while Bubs is on his European jaunt, I’m holding down the fort. Still scheduling open houses every weekend. I’m aiming for one in-office appointment per week. I’m also dogsitting Stormy (16 days). She’s a great dog, who is active and playful but also I’m so glad she’s super low maintenance. It’s working out well.

I have to say, I’m very excited for my first commission check coming July 10. I’ve been basically bootstrapping the business since late November: between association memberships and dues, office fees, equipment, infrastructure, gas, etc… it all adds up. After almost 8 months in, I’ve racked up about $8k in expenses. Yeah, my laptop crapped out and so I needed a new one. Same with our home printer. Plus gas from all that shuttling around… It’ll be nice to get my first chunk of change. That said, I’m already itching for the next deal…

Today is July 4. I already made a followup call to some potential buyers who came in for a consultation last night. Mind you, my colleague referred them to me earlier this week bc the clients wanted a Chinese-speaking agent. Wowee, they were REALLY Chinese. So the entire meeting was done in Mandarin. I felt like I communicated decently with them, but there was definitely a little bit of Taboo going around, where I didn’t have the specific real estate terminology so I had to describe around it…

In preparation, I had called my parents the night before and I had also consulted Google translate, but they weren’t much help. Today, the buyers are backing off a bit, a little gun shy, bc they are first-time homebuyers and the house they’re keen on needs fumigation (NBD for this area) and a new roof, among other repairs. My colleague wants to still put on the gas and retain them as clients… I dunno. We’ll see where that goes.

I’m headed to a BBQ tonight and while I’m down in San Jose, I’m going to preview a few homes in the area where the buyers are looking. Might as well be efficient about my travel time. šŸ™‚

Trip Home

I forgot to update on our short trip home last weekend. What can I say: I still always feel some element of dread when I’m about to see my parents. It’s like a constant reminder of how to live life differently. Not in all ways, but in many ways. 

My father made some progress geting rid of stuff. And actually, his former office manager came to the house on Sunday with her kids and a huge trailer to haul off my old bedroom furniture and some new twin mattresses from the basement. I was glad that they turned out to be serious/actual takers and our stuff is going to be used. But I got so overwhelmed by it all, even just cleaning out my bedroom in prep for them to take the furniture. I mean, there’s like 35 years worth of stuff in that house. Nathalie drove up from NC for the weekend and helped, but she could see that it was too much for me. She reiterated the same things John has said: don’t waste your remaining time fighting and arguing with them about downsizing logistics. After they are gone, you will have full control over how to get shit done. It’s so true, and yet the clutter and stuff just stresses me out. N also commented about how old my parents are getting. It’s been probably seven years since she saw them, and I mean, obviously they are a much frailer version of their former selves.

And my mother is not well. Dad has been wanting to stimulate her brain with Chinese puzzles and games, but she is kinda beyond that now. We tried playing Chinese checkers and she kept playing a turn when it wasn’t her turn. I’ve seen this behavior before with my maternal grandmother and mahjong. Of course, my maternal grandmother is in her 90s. My mom isn’t even 70. Dad had been saying that he’s noticing more cognitive decline, and I was thinking he was just overreacting: mom has always been confused. But John also noticed. 

This trip I really observed how faithful and loyal my father is with my mother. He repeats his answers to her even when she asks the same shit over and over. He still is patient and remains her dedicated companion. He doesn’t show frustration or resentment towards her about it… he just remains true. It makes me wonder about my future. It is so hard for me to be patient and kind to my parents… even knowing what I know about her illness. I have my doubts about my caretaking abilities. And a part of me also worries about my own mental state. If I lose my cognition, what will happen to me? There is some element of fear for the future– both theirs and mine.

I see too the emotional burden this takes on my father. He has a history of taking on burdens and of being the dependable one for everyone. But I worry about his mental state, bc I know caretaking is incredibly taxing. Mom is supposed to get the results of her MRI on May 31. She is taking meds that are supposed to slow the cognitive decline, but the decline is still apparent.

I think the emotional toll on my dad is manifesting in the form of procrastination and paralysis regarding the house and his real estate properties in the area. I can understand the overwhlem and how debilitating it is. So for now, my offer is to suggest California as an option for their US base. Move out of MD, and get something in CA. Yes, it’s expensive and taxes are insane. But Stanford is right down the road, John and I are here, there is a legit Chinese community here, AND Taiwan is a direct flight away. For so many other reasons, CA just makes sense. 

After I got back from Maryland, I made a ton of calls and found a Chinese-speaking neurologist and geriatric specialist in my area. I confirmed that both physicians take Medicare. I got my mother registered as a new patient with PAMF, should she want to get care here. They may come out in July to stay for a week or so, before flying on to Taiwan. I suggested making some medical appointments for that time.

My mother is also speaking exclusively in Chinese at his point– probably bc they don’t really socialize much in MD. Taiwan offers more stimulation for her. My dad can’t be her one-stop shop for everything: socialization, activities, etc. Anyway, all of it is pretty damn depressing. And every visit, I’m still reminded of how distant we are: we just don’t have a close relationship. But I suppose rather than be disappointed and frustrated, I have to focus on what I can do for them. I do know how to get things done, and if that is the only thing I can do for my parents, I’ll be damn good at that.
Meanwhile, my MIL is in a similar boat. She has been going to physical therapy which has given her more stamina. That said, she’s still getting older, like everyone else. With every visit, the changes become more and more apparent. I know I’m like a perpetually stressed-out person, but this period in my life truly feels unlike any other. It’s almost as if all past periods of stress were like fake or trial runs or I dunno, tiny niblets building up. I thought those times were really serious, but I see how that the shit is just now starting to hit the fan. I feel neither ready nor prepared, but I guess that is the theme for life from here on out.

Breaking Point

OMFG, my body has been all kinds of fucked up the last week. First, I had been fureaking out about my homebuying class, which was tonight. Usually, I am not THAT bad about public speaking, but I suppose the combo of having to deal with the lagging home reno plus my prospecting class plus delivering a real estate preso for the first time ever, plus worrying about all sorts of other “adulting” familial matters just put my stress levels through the roof. I was having constant tummy aches; my fingers were numb; I was having diarrhea for like days on end… it was seriously getting out of control.

On top of that, I had to prep the preso slides– most were existing content from my coach, but they were not in any kind of consistent template and the ordering was all non sequitor. When I spoke to my coach, he kept telling me that typical turnout is 25% or less for such events. And then my lender did not prep his slides. We were supposed to do a dry run rehearsal last week and now it was the day before, and he didn’t have any slides done. In fact, I got his slides two hours before go time tonight.

Long story short, my body was revolting. I’d started prepping my talk a few days ago and I did a few dry runs. Bubs is always more critical than not: Confusing here. Not enough emphasis there. Too many slides. blah, blah. That commentary was yesterday, so I was already feeling up to the wire. More tweaks. Bubs is just so sharp on that shit… all that business acumen from his startup days I think. Ugh, I was feeling underprepared and not good enough!

Somehow though, I woke up today feeling calmer than the previous two days. I kicked off my day with many tracks of Meditation Oasis… thanks, G! That shit is specific too, with stuff on like emergency anxiety relief. Thankfully, the day started off ok. I attended a volunteer event at the office and felt moderately calm. Then, in the afternoon, I did one more dry run with Bubs two hours before show time. More feedback. More tweaks. Fuck!!!

The good news is that 19 people registered and 12 people attended. I was disappointed that NONE of the attendees were people from my door knocking and flyering/canvassing efforts. Two came from my contacts who passed along my info. Four were people from my last job. The rest found out about my event on EventBrite. Of course, as 6pm came around, I was starting to worry bc only 3 people were on time. And my coach was telling me to start on time out of respect for those who were punctual.

My talk went ok. Bc of the stragglers who came in after I got started and I made last minute tweaks, it wasn’t perfect… there was a part where my voice lost confidence bc I expected a different slide than what was next. But whatever: Bubbey said he was really proud of me. And my own coach said he could tell I’d done public speaking before. After my part was done, my coach came in for a few slides and then the lender came on. He went so slowly, I was really getting antsy. But it was weird bc even though he got way down into the weeds, people asked questions and that indicates at least some interest and engagement.

Many people also stayed afterwards to talk to me and well, I’m going to follow up and hope this converts into something. I’m just so relieved it’s done. Several areas to change, but I’m happy with the outcome given that it was my inaugural talk as a Realtor. Shoutout to Bubs for prepping all the food and snacks. I’m grateful also to my former colleagues who attended, as well as my neighbors who helped me spread the word.

Tomorrow, we’re headed to Nashville for a long weekend. I honestly did feel like I was breaking this week, but thankfully, I am ok and I will enjoy our time with my college bud J and his gal. Next Wednesday, I graduate from my sales class. I will say, that shit has been a struggle every damn week… with the activities and some bizarre brainwashing/quasi-cult things. I spoke with a colleague today who is also participating and she said every class, she wants to leave and not come back. It was interesting that she had similar doubts and repulsions bc I felt like I was the only one not drinking the KoolAid. More on that stuff later. I def grew a lot and so many things would not have happened if it weren’t for the class: cold calling, door knocking, canvassing, my homebuyer class… still, it’ll be nice to exercise my own adult judgement on what is appropriate in terms of how to proceed.

Ok. I am beat but still mentally wired. Going to try to sleep now.

Temecula Wine Country

Last Thursday, J and I celebrated 14 years of marriage. We flew out late that morning to Ontario, CA and drove out to Temecula. No one has really heard of Temecula, but I got wind that it was a smaller wine country in southern California, so I figured it would be a nice spot to scout out for a weekend.

Flying out of SJC, we are def getting our process down, and with TSA Pre, we are through security and to the gate in about 15 minutes. Yippee! On the other end, we did the over-optimization thing where J waited for our bags while I went to get the rental car. I know, we are ridic. But man, Lorraine over at Budget Rental hooked us up! What a pleasant lady. She had a warm smile and when she told me they were all out of sedans and only had the mini van available, I mentioned that J had a thing for mini-vans. She then proceeded toĀ upgrade us to the Chrysler Pacifica, which ended up being an uber van. She was so sweet. As part of my new perspective on customer service/sales jobs, I’m going to write her a thank you note.

Anyway, J and I had a nice weekend even though internally, I was stressing out about hitting my 100 contacts… I know, I’m a total nerd. And when I talked with my friend N the day before, she basically said that my homework numbers were a false problem. I mean, true esp compared to her health woes (she now needs a knee replacement!!), but still. If I consider my homework numbers as an indicator of actual real estate leads that will come my way, it’s still important.. It’s fine: N and I go way back, so I understand her bluntness and her intention.

Anyway, I got us a room at Marriott’s Springhill Suites. Spacious but a bit dank and well, there was peeling wallpaper and cracked caulking… nonetheless, I didn’t feel like complaining after a long day. We had a lovely early dinner reservation at the local golf club. Yep, big time oldies in da house! I think we were done with dinner and headed home for bed like before 8pm. Haha.

Boy oh boy though, I sleep so much better when I am on travel. I dunno whether it’s all the things I need to do at home or the bathroom reno that’s cluttering my mind or what… I slept pretty damn well though.

The next day, we met up with my Duke Nonprofit classmate S (She’s also a camp counselor at Camp Wonder). Man, if you think I’m a research maven, this chick knows EVERYthing. Sure, Temecula is her hometown, but shit, I would not have that level of 411 on any place I’ve lived. She’s super succinct too, providing just the highlights without bogging us down with analysis paralysis. Yay!

Btw, I will say I got a warm lead for work! I’ve been posting some real estate stuff to Instagram and sending emails to my network… Turns out, a childhood friend is moving from PA to CA! She’s headed for big time snow country, but I was able to find a top producer agent and hook her up. We chatted via phone for the first time since probably college, and it was really nice to catch up! Kinda cool to reconnect.

By Saturday, J and I were ready to get out of Temecula. We hit up a couple of wineries with S on Friday, but J characterized wine country there as “very L.A.” In other words, beautiful and nice on the surface, but very little substance. For example, we did a couple of wine tastings, and the guy behind the counter just poured all the tastings out at once and then turned around. He didn’t even tell us what was what. Seriously, no description or background or tasting notes or anything. It was odd.

So on Saturday afternoon, we drove out to Carlsbad to meet up with my Chinese school friend, K. She and the fam have been in San Diego for many years, and we congregated at the Flower Fields. It was funny, bc there was a lot of back and forth beforehand on what to do and where to meet. She and the hubby have two small kids, and with the limited exposure that we’ve had, it’s stressful to figure out the right environment. She kept pushing back for us to just pick what we wanted to do and they would do it… J and I were so skeptical, but wow, what a pleasant experience.! Her kids are crazy well-behaved and the parents don’t hover. at. all. We had fun! But I will say, I felt a tad bit sad. For all these years, I’ve always considered their family to be a strong role model for J and me. They work hard but still manage to stay in shape and do all kinds of side activities… Things seemed different this time. They had let go of many of those past hobbies and I dunno: I just sensed some fatigue. I mean, their parents are both in Maryland and the fathers are having health issues, so I know the stress… I hope things get better for them. Sigh. Adulting is hard![FAG id=7509]

A Week Ago in Baja

About one week ago, we are just getting back from San Jose del Cabo. I finally got around to uploading our pics. Indeed, we were in a stunning place for a few days. And yet, J and I, being the Pu Pu Platters that we are, still found reasons to complain. I know, we are incorrigible. But I am inspired by my friends who are positive people: I’m going to focus less on the negative and just talk about the positive.

We had a totally sweet room– it was probably the size of the whole front half of the Houseboat. The resort also had like a gabillion swimming pools. Plus, our room was like 100 meters from the ocean. And our resort basically offer private access to the beach. My favorite part of the trip was Bubbey’s bday dinner at the onsite fancy Mexican-French fusion restaurant, Cafe des Artistes. When we walked in for our reservation, they asked if we were celebrating a special ocassion. Indeed, we were! After they found it it was J’s bday, they treated us to two complimentary glasses of bubbly, and then when we were seated at our table, they had decorated the top with a bunch of festive confetti bits. It was lovely. And the food/service were really impeccable. For dessert, they came out with a mirrored tray covered with goodies, a beautiful sugar syrup sculpture designed like a giftbox, and a little sparkler! Then, the wait staff gathered around the table and sang happy bday! It was just fantastic and I wish my pic weren’t so blurry (it was dim in there), but Bubbey’s face showed such delight.

Overall, I would recommend the spot with the caveat that the resort is indeed isolated. And the restaurants on site, except for Cafe des Artistes, serve western fare. If those don’t bother you, the facility and grounds are just gorgeous. There’s an onsite spa, live music at the restaurants at night, a huge kids center, a fitness center, plus freebie activities like yoga and mezcal or tequila tastings. Yes, we indulged in the mezcal tasting bc you know how I am about amenities. :)[FAG id=7506]

A Mother’s Choice

Last week, my parents were scheduled to return Stateside after spending another month in Asia. Two days before their flight, my father called to let me know that mom had decided to stay behind with my brother. You always hear those stories about how children come between couples… my family certainly has a long history where we were split along personality/philosophical lines. My father and I, despite our rifts, are for the most part, more similar. Likewise, my mother jives better with my brother. In her case, I think a lot rides on him being the first born… but whatever, she thinks there’s some special connection. At first, on hearing the news, I was annoyed and frustrated. I mean, the whole time they’d been overseas, I was eager to have them back in the States so mom could get the mental care she needs. She was supposed to go in for another MRI to assess the rate of progression of her condition. Already, she had stopped taking her western meds in favor of that deer placenta shit my brother is selling… I was fine with a month-long delay on treatment, but that was bc I fully expected her to get on a program come March.

Well, that’s not going to happen. A lot of friends have expressed skepticism about the deer placenta stuff. Yeah, you and me both. That said, I do know people who swear by what I would consider to be similar supplement-type products: Herbalife, Juiceroo, JuicePlus, etc. I personally know people who have taken such things and seen improvement in their physical ailments… So maybe some stuff is legit; still, I want measurements/tests to gauge any changes.

Speaking with mom on the phone, she sounded in good spirits. My father and relatives say she does appear more interactive and happier in Taiwan. J takes her to all sorts of his religious group activities… Remember how I had done all this internet research on meditation and yoga exercises to slow dementia? She used like NONE of it. But J will take her to some group exercise class (run by his cult people) and she’ll go. And then they’ll attend meditation activities together. I mean, on one hand, I get it. Stuff in person is always better than stuff online. And activities are always more compelling with a buddy. Fine. But now, she’s decided to stay back. My father says he’ll fly back to Taiwan to accompany her back in April. Um ok, but meanwhile, we lose another month of mental exams and treatment. I urged dad to have her visit the doctor in Taiwan. He says no one is available to take her. Granted, doctor appointments in Taiwan take ALL FUCKING DAY, as I detailed when I took my grandfather in two years ago. But partly, it takes all damn day only bc my family refuses to get the queue number, go home, and come back, for fear of missing their place in line. Regardless, I told dad to tell Johnny to take her.

Dad: Oh, he’s busy and has work.
Me: Um, it’s ONE fucking day.
Dad: Yeah, but it takes so long.
Me: Um, it’s ONE day. If he has the time to take her to all these religious activities, he has the time to take her to the damn doctor.
Dad: Yeah, but I don’t have confidence in him.
Me: Yeah well, that’s a different issue. You still need to make the ask.

I wonder how her choice impacts the marriage. Then again, my dad has always blamed us kids for all their fighting. Not my problem they have a very antagonistic and finger-pointing way of handling conflict. Not my problem they also have very different stances on parenting. They should have worked that shit out beforehand.

I feel bad for my dad. I mean, basically mom is pulling a Johnny: she just decides not to go home and then someone else is left to handle all the logistics. I mean, nevermind that taxes are due and she’ll need to sign paperwork. Nevermind that they’re supposed to be downsizing and figuring out where to live and what to do with all their shit. Whatever, it’s all just details for other people to figure out. Maybe I’m being overly judgey here, but shit, sure feels selfish and inconsiderate to me!

On the flip side, she’s never had a great relationship with Johnny. Maybe she’s wanting to maximize her time with her son. Ok, that’s fine but understand that your son doesn’t care about anyone but himself and his Buddha “master.” Why would I say such a thing? Bc the last time mom stayed behind for a month, Johnny was hardly ever home. He just went to work and then went to his cult activities. If she didn’t want to go, he just left her at home all day. She did the groceries and laundry and cooking and cleaning. Dad says mom wants to stay behind this time, bc she wants to “help Johnny change.” She wants to help him get his shit in order so he can get married and have a family. Jesus Christ. Here’s the thing. There is a difference between hope and delusion. I have said this a billion times. Women are not stupid. No smart, competent woman in her right mind is going to voluntarily take on a “project,” when the work involves taking care of a 40+ y/o man-child. For real. WTF does he have to offer in a relationship? A prestigious education? A well-to-do family (that’s totally dysfunctional)? An obsession with a religious cult? A backwards relationship where he is a child who gives and offers NOTHING to his parents? Puhleeze. I’m all worked up again thinking about all the things that are wrong with this arrangement…

And yet when I spoke with my mother on the phone, I bit my tongue. I tried to have a normal conversation with her. Nevermind that she didn’t listen to anything I said, and she didn’t even hear any of my questions. I wasn’t even trying to broach anything super serious: I just tried to chit chat, and even then, she couldn’t listen and let me say a damn thing edgewise. It’s so goddamn frustrating. But if I have learned anything from John and his family, it is that I need to control my temper. I need to take things less personally. I need to be patient. And so here we are. I was tasked with contacting the airlines last minute to change her travel plans, and I will be called again later on to handle more of the downsizing, moving, and future travel arrangements. So many shitty choices and decisions and I’ll be the one who has to honor them by getting shit done. Thanks, bro. I can always count on you to fuck things up some more.

Leading by Example

In general, I spend a lot of time thinking about how to live my life better. Professionally, I’m still working on reaching milestones and attaining success… In my personal life, I’m pretty happy with how I cultivate and manage relationships with friends, colleagues, and acquaintances. With family, um not. so. much. I definitely have room to grow.

Sure, if you compare me to my man-child brother, which my friends often do, I’m a superstar. But honestly, being back in Maryland this past week following the death of my FIL, I know I am so woefully ill-equipped to be a truly helpful and useful family member. Yes, I can get shit done, but the service withOUT a smile piece is severely lacking and practically a dealbreaker. I know, my family is very different from J’s family so maybe there’s no point in comparing: my family interacts with each other minimally and distantly; we don’t have traditions; we don’t share any religions or rituals; we don’t adopt any collective routines or schedules or cycles. What can I say: we are disconnected and fragmented.

Meanwhile, all these years, I kinda judged J’s parents for being such homebodies: they didn’t travel or explore or socialize with others. They just sat around, complained a lot, chatted, and watched tons of tv. In fact, when my FIL was in rehab last week, an activities coordinator came by to take a survey: what do you like to do? She rattled off all sorts of activities: cards, crafts, music, walking, games, etc. It was almost ridiculous that she even bothered doing the survey with my FIL, but in the end, he said plainly and unapologetically: “Family gatherings. That’s what I like.”

And it dawned on me a day later: FAMILY is their hobby, their past time. And as all his kids and grandkids descended during his final days for this last farewell, it became so abundantly clear: When you spend time– repeated, concentrated, deliberate time– with family, you really learn about one another’s personalities, habits, and preferences. Duh, right? Well, I hadn’t put two and two together until now. Seriously.

For example, when S was assembling the funeral program, she and her eldest sister knew exactly which siblings would speak and which would not. They didn’t even need to ask: they knew, they accepted, and it was NBD for her and the eldest daughter and her family to fill that portion of the program. The funeral service itself was beautifully done. The turnout was larger than expected and included a few pleasant surprises– note to self: what a powerful gesture it is to have your childhood friends show up for your father’s funeral. I talked with one of J’s brother’s friends from elementary school. That dude has never moved out of the ZIP CODE. OMFG, can you imagine???

The service was lovely. It included several readings from the Bible as well as eulogies from the two sons-in-laws, his youngest daughter S, and his eldest daughter E. I was so very moved by the poignant stories and memories. This is what unconditional love looks like.

Seeing how loving J and his siblings are to his parents, I realized that I really have very little understanding of love, compassion, and forgiveness. I used to get so pissed off when my mom would confuse me with my brother. When she said things to me that rubbed me the wrong way, I always remembered her words. When she nitpicked or made disapproving comments about my appearance or personality or behavior or choices, I remembered and I held on to those comments, almost as reasons to chastise and vilify her.

My MIL is definitely declining cognitively, but even before her recent decline, she often confused her kids and messed up the details. And like all parents, whether they acknowledge this or not, she certainly has her favorites. The crazy thing is, no one in J’s family seems to mind or feel resentful for those mistakes or preferences!?!? My entire adult life, I have never forgiven my parents for parenting my brother the way they do. I have never forgotten or forgiven my grandmother and mother for favoring my brother over me. Even as they have endured a lifetime of pain from him, I have only told them that they deserve the pain bc of their poor parenting choices. And even now, though I might still feel correct in that perspective (despite not ever being a parent myself!), I question whether that level of blame and resentment is necessary towards anyone you love. Aren’t we all flawed– albeit some more than others?

By contrast, J’s siblings hear snarky and hurtful comments, and they just let them go. The unsavory comments don’t alter how much they love their mother. They don’t alter how much they care for her and strive to do right by her. So many times in this past week, my MIL made comments that I didn’t like, that seemed short-sighted or inappropriate or testy. Her kids were never ever fazed. Not for a single second. They overlooked all of it. They reacted by rephrasing their statements or by simply turning the subject to something else. Not one iota of irritation ever crossed their lips. Sure, behind closed doors amongst themselves, they were sometimes frustrated, but NEVER towards their mother.

And even as I have this new epiphany, I still can’t find it in me to reconcile my relationship with my brother for my parents. I don’t know why. Is it a loyalty thing? I’m dedicated and faithful so long as you’re on my good side, but once you make a decision (even if those choices are your own to make) to which I disagree, I become intolerant and mean. After all, there must be consequences for your actions…

Obviously, Bubbey has been under tremendous stress, and at times over the past few days, he snapped at me or used a disparaging tone. A few times I let it go, but it took EFFORT for me to let it go. And still a few times, I countered and talked back. There is something inside me that is unyielding and confrontational. Is it bc I was bullied as a child, so it’s hard for me to back off as an adult? Recognizing this flaw in myself makes me worry for those I love. Oftentimes, these stressful moments that elicit harsh tones or snippy words aren’t even about me… How will I possibly rise to the challenging times that lie ahead?

Two Decades Later

An interesting thing happened the other day: after my neighbors L and S had us over for their small gathering, I was on the neighborhood social media site searching for the hosts’ email address. Have you been on NextDoor before? It’s kind of like FB but for your ‘hood. Anyway, I went to the Neighbors tab, where all the people who joined NextDoor in my area are listed alphabetically. I came across a name from my childhood: AB. Huh? I actually had a crush on this guy in middle school. His dad was my pediatrician. I thought, hmmm, could it be the same dude? I did a quick search on LinkedIn, and sure enough, this is the guy! Isn’t that crazy? From the same home town, same class even, to all the way across the country, two streets down. Pretty fricking coincidental.

So wth, I emailed him via NextDoor. The next day, he replied and we’re going to meet up in the new year after J and I get back from Frederick. Then I was telling my dad, bc he knows AB’s dad. And I mean, I suppose it’s not THAT surprising that the Bay Area attracts people from all over: dad has two friends whose daughters are also out here– one in SF and one in San Mateo. Anyway, it was kind of a cool thing. I’m trying to be confident and adult about it too, you know? Like the last time I saw AB, we were 18, just graduated from high school and ready for college. And as I’ve mentioned before, I wasn’t exactly the coolest. It’s one of those things, similar to like visiting my parents… I feel like I have to make a conscious effort not to fall into that box of who I used to be. I know, already I’m overthinking it. Welcome to my life.

In other news, my mother pissed me the fuck off yesterday. She made some comment about how Hillary’s behind the whole assertion that the Russians rigged the elections. That she’s being a sore loser. And OMFG, it became clear to me that she supported Trump. I corrected her, saying that there were multiple federal agencies that made the claim… and Jesus Christ, are you seriously ragging on Hillary when the person you support is a clear racist (and you are an immigrant!), misogynist, totally SKETCHY conman with minimal integrity? Puhleeze. Why must she always instigate me in this way? J even thinks my dad voted for Trump bc of the damn taxes. And then I totally lost it. I got off the phone and was FUMING. Seriously, this Trump dude could be your daughter’s boss, harassing her at work, and you’re going to vote for him bc of fucking taxes? I will concede that mom likely voted for Trump bc she’s a woman hater… one of those backstabbing, catty women. My dad? I am not sure but fuck, I hope to God his decisions are NOT solely about money. Ugh. Then J gets on my case, like why are you trying to control other people’s decisions? They are free to choose. Yes, they are but not with this. They supported Bush and Reagan and Bush again. I got over that. But Trump? It is unacceptable. But J just keeps saying it wouldn’t have made a difference and again, I need to work on how I react to shit. Why is it that among all the people I know, I am the ONLY one who is constantly having to control the way I respond to other people. Why aren’t other people controlling their dumbassery so as to not provoke me? Yeah, so clearly my “positive thinking” vow lasted all of like 24 hours.

Meanwhile, every day I am struggling more and more with the Martin decision. Do we leave him in this weakened state where he will possibly lose all mobility under the care of a stranger? Do we euthanize him before he gets to full paralysis. I just don’t know, and I’m so torn about it. He doesn’t seem to be in pain but he’s a dog. Dogs like to walk and smell new scents. Is he still having good quality of life? Would leaving him in the care of another be more for us than for him? I just can’t decide. I feel like he enjoys the company of all people… he has no fears with strangers. But the sitter works full time… argh. His eating and kidneys are stable again but those legs… J did his own WebMD research and thinks Martin has DM, some degenerative spinal condition that has no treatment. Just this morning, we made it to the park but he wasn’t strong enough to wander around like he used to. We just got there and came back. On the way back, a bicyclist slowed down and said, “He sure walks slow for a dog.” Yeah, he’s almost 17, I replied. “Oh, he looks really good for 17.”

Emotionally, I am also trying to control my feelings of anger and resentment. Like I know my parents are going to piss me off and the trip is going to frustrate me to no end. Honestly, I don’t even want to go. And if something happens to Martin while I am gone, there is the potential for some major rage and blame issues. I am trying to be adult about it all, but I’m just saying: my family really does bring out the worst in me and if my mental state is compromised and then I have to deal with bad news about Marty, things could get very ugly. Today I’m feeling again like I’m just not made for this world. Sigh. Where is that positive thinking I was just talking about?

Mood Swings

My mood has been all over the damn place lately. This week, I was feeling super energized work-wise. Every time I’ve gone into the office (just 10 minutes away!), I’ve met some really nice and friendly people. The vibe is so welcoming and cohesive! Also, the staff are on it! Like as soon as I submitted my formal paperwork, I was set up with the email account, website, intranet access, etc. Same day service! On Friday, the office also hosted a holiday party, and it was a lovely spread. I asked about taking something, and the organizersĀ were all like: oh no, we’re ordering food so don’t worry about it. Mind you, this whole last month or two, bc I couldn’t formally submit my docs, I haven’t even had to pay any business fee or anything to attend all the trainings. They don’t care. They seem to really understand the concept of building goodwill. Anyway, I feel really good about my decision to join this office.

Of course, just as all of the work stuff is ramping up, Marty is not doing well. He is uncomfortable/restless at night. We administered 400 ml of fluids two days ago, and yesterday, he started eating again but his legs are increasingly weak. He’s been trembling a lot more, and then this morning, he was too weak to do much beyond going into the backyard. I just gave him another 350 ml this morning. If he’s not better by tomorrow, I’m going to take him to the vet. The decline is inevitable and yet my mind is still in some kind of denial… Thank goodness we aren’t traveling for Thanksgiving.

In other news, John and I are on weird sleep schedules again. I try to sleep in (wake up between 8-9AM) while he’s up early, but by mid-day, he’s all crashed out. He’s been reading a book lately about dictatorships and the principles of power and then watching new tv series like Narco and Black Mirror. All really thought-provoking, disturbing content about the crazy world we now live in and the hurdles that will come in the future. I’m still very sad and disillusioned with the elections to the point that I don’t feel emboldened or empowered at all. I signed a few petitions, but I’m still so disheartened. All the news about theĀ potential cabinet members… it’s all fucked up. And I have lost faith. Even if we were to speak out and march and protest and write letters… ultimately, he and his cronies just DON’T CARE about the opposing point of view. You know what I mean? They think what they think and they are absolutely unapologetic, so how then do the pressures of protest change their minds or actions? I honestly do not see a way out of this fucking mess.

My friend J invited me to join her and the hubs for the Women’s March in DC the day after inauguration. Right now, that kind of action seems utterly pointless. And then Bubs keeps wanting to talk about all this stuff he’s reading: I cannot deal with the world right now!

And so, I can only proceed by focusing on my new business and on Martin. Otherwise, this shit is too damn overwhelming and paralyzing.

Tonight, we’ve got tickets to a magic show and dinner at the California Magic Theater in Martinez. The theater is like 70 minutes away, but I’m looking forward to the distraction. The world sure could use some more magic these days.

Decision 2016

Surprise, surprise, I didn’t get much sleep last night. I was just too damn wired about a gabillion different things. Two pills of Calm Forte didn’t do Jack! Ah well, luckily another restless night didn’t void out today: today was a pretty good day even though this evening the presidential election results still loom over our heads…

I tried a new carpet cleaning service this morning, and the results were superb… even better than the company I used in the past (recommended by a friend). Actually, that service wasn’t that great, to be honest. But yeah, this dude today got all the stains out, so we are back in business! Who knew a little bit of citrus pre-treatment followed by water heated to 230 degrees and applied at very high pressure then extracted would get all the gunk out? Very impressed and all my earlier worries about how to get the house “ready” were way overblown. Dude was able to get underneath the bed without even moving it, and he really didn’t need to move every damn piece of furniture. All came out clean with very little pain or inconvenience!

In the afternoon, I attended a real estate training at the office. It was led by a title company agent who used to work at Nordies for 8 years. She was a calling whiz and so, so personable. We clicked right away (Yes, it helped that she complimented my hair), and she’s offered to meet up in December to introduce me to their services and offerings. Very cool. After that, I waited around for my instructor/coach to discuss an entire list of questions… he ended up getting hogged up by another student, so I hit up the office comptroller instead. She was very pleasant in answering my questions. I think my inquiries actually impressed her, bc she said no one else had ever asked her those questions, about the business model and incentives, etc. And of course, as I had intended from the get go, I ended by making my ask. And whatdya know, I fucking got it, much to Bubbey’s surprise. So, I’ll be signing on with that Santa Clara office… Hee, hee. So nice to wrap up my due diligence (though I still have two calls tomorrow with newbies/his coaching students– I’ll still be able to glean valuable info from them) and arrive at a decision. I feel really good about it.

Of course, coming home to Election night is a bit unnerving. I went into the day feeling pretty confident: in Hillary, I think we have an amazing candidate, but it’s now 7pm and well, the results are not looking as promising as anticipated. Bubbey is already calling the end of the world… Many of the key states are too close to tell, but you know what? This election is like the real estate license exam. It doesn’t matter what score you get, you just have to pass. Likewise, it doesn’t matter how close the individual states are, Hillary just has to win. And I still believe she will.