Category Archives: Marriage

A Different Person

Well, two days after we returned from our Italian vacation, my parents descended on the Houseboat. About two months ago, dad had asked for me to book their next flight to Taiwan and at that time, I urged him to use SFO as a stop over. In other words, fly out to California, stay a week, and then fly direct to Asia. Or, stop over here on the way back. It breaks up the trip. Nope, didn’t want to do it. He wants to get there directly and “not waste time.”

I mean, every time he goes to Taiwan, he stays at least a month and a half. What’s another five to seven days added to the beginning or end? He says he prefers the route through Narita in Toyko instead of flying through SFO. Yeah, makes sense if you do the entire trip in one push, but if you split it out into two journeys: east coast to west coast and then west coast to Asia, it’s more tolerable. Whatever. I’m not going to argue with you about scheduling a brief stay (that is along the way) to visit your only daughter. Jesus fucking Christ. I mean, seriously. It makes NO sense unless he’s factoring in some cost factor. Like if he’s using points, a roundtrip from DC to Taipei costs the same amount as a roundtrip from SFO to Taipei. If you split it into two separate trips, you’re basically having to pay extra for the DC-SFO leg. He claims it’s a timing thing… he doesn’t want to bother us and just wants to get over to Asia as soon as possible. And anytime you comment that the flight to Asia is ridiculously long (about 24 hours door-to-door), he responds that he’s done it so much, it’s NBD. Yes, his response is yet another one of his “I’m a soldier who’s fought a thousand battles” kind of things.

John is starting to call him a Tooter, bc my dad likes to toot his own horn. Like anytime you ask if he got good sleep the night before, he says he’s always been a good sleeper. And he can function on just 4-5 hours of sleep. He did it his entire career. Blah, blah. Ok, whatever. Mind you, only like some ridiculously small percentage of the population can function and thrive on 4-5 hrs/night, but sure, you’re Superman. SMH. Anyway, when I was booking his flights, he asked me when might be a good time to visit. I said that I was really trying to hustle before my office anniversary in June bc any transactions I did from now until then, I would earn my full commission without having to pay out the office split. That split resets in June.

So then what does he do? He wants to come in early May bc that works better for his Taiwan trip, which seems arbitrarily selected anyway. OMFG. That’s what I mean: why ask if you’re going to completely disregard my response? I’ll just make it work.

So they came and overall, it was a good visit. We stayed locally and did a variety of activities: Stanford gardens, bocce ball, open houses, new construction, meals out, meals in the backyard, etc. Mostly though, if you get them a Chinese newspaper every morning and eat seafood meals here and there and have Chinese programming at night, they’re happy.

Mom is doing ok, but still declining cognitively. The weird thing is, she is an entirely different person now than the woman who raised me. She used to be so damn fearful and neurotic and naggy… now she’s easy going and holy crap, she lives in the present. We used to fight ALL THE DAMN TIME and my brother always came up as a point of contention. Now, there is no mention of him. I feel sad that she requires so much care and repetition, but at the same time, she just seems so much happier. She laughs a lot. I sometimes wonder how our relationship would have been different had she been this person while I was growing up.

As expected, my father is still involved in a gabillion things. He just won’t fucking let up and the caretaking responsibilities for my mother are visibly wearing on him. He basically never leaves her alone, and bc her short-term memory is so bad, he has to repeat things super frequently. And she gets confused easily, even with daily conversation. On the other hand, bc she’s so chill now, there’s no more bickering and fighting between them. Still, I can see that he’s lost a peer and a companion. I’m sure that handling so many important decisions alone is lonely, overwhelming, and burdensome.

As usual, John is amazing with my parents. Honestly, he is like the child they never had: smart, patient, successful and just so damn considerate and kind. He found a Chinese soap opera and started watching it with my mom (while I was working on my computer). He talked to my dad about healthcare and stocks and tech and stuff on CNBC. I feel so blessed for myself and my parents that Bubbey is such a caring and gentle soul. I bet my parents wonder where/how they went wrong to produce such asshole dickwad punks. Sigh.

We had some serious conversations on this trip too. I got a tiny bit more insight about their medical directives and the living trust. I mean, for someone as detail-oriented as my dad, he really shared some bare bones, vague shit but I’m working on getting it all spelled out. Goddamn, it reminds me of that potential seller I met months ago… every important document she had was physically printed and she just lugged them around with her. Nothing was digitized. SMH. Kinda similar but at least my dad has a computer and a cell phone that he actually keeps turned on.

Restless in Italy

John and I were in Italy at the end of April to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary. I know I’m a total anomaly, but to be honest, I was reluctant to spend 10 days away on a European jaunt. I don’t expect anyone to understand: when I’m in work mode, that’s just all that I want to do!

Needless to say, Bubbey is the sweetest hubs out there. Normally, I do all the travel planning from flights to hotels to arranging dog care… but this time, Bubs did EVERYTHING. I mean, it all started bc he’s had the travel bug (big time) for the last year. He’s always trying to maintain his United Premier Gold status. So he got wind of some super cheap flights to Rome and everything snowballed from there. Like I said, I’m a workaholic. Part of it is that I just like to work. The other driving force is that well, you know, I feel a lot of pressure (all self-imposed) like I am running out of time to demonstrate/achieve professional success. I know, my friends have told me that I am successful, and maybe in some masochistic way, I keep moving the target or changing the criteria. The bottom line is that I don’t feel like a success. I feel blessed and lucky, but not successful on my own accord. I mean, I’m not going to delve into it now, but it’s been a lifelong struggle that stems from my upbringing with my parents and my own mental state. But at some point, with John being so excited to travel, I did check myself. This life isn’t just about me. He’s on the journey with me, and I realized that I need to still nurture our relationship and water the flowers, bc I know that life is short.

Anyway, my point is, I acquiesced to an Italian vacation. I know, there was a ridiculous amount of arm-twisting and I’m not proud. But the trip was great. I mean, I think I’ve learned by now that any kind of European travel will never be restful. There is just too damn much to see, with all that history. Also, I’m a lazy-ass American, so all that walking really wore me out. We stayed in the same hotel the whole them to minimize fatigue (still didn’t work) and then planned a day trip to the Amalfi Coast. Beautiful, beautiful place but OMFG, the traffic and crowds are insane. Same deal with the Vatican. Supposedly, it is the world’s second most popular tourist destination (first is the Louvre), clocking in 35k visitors/day on average. In peak season? 55k people IN ONE DAY. I mean, it makes sense: everyone wants to hit up the key places, but goddamn, it just makes the experience kinda difficult, you know, like is the juice really worth the squeeze? I dunno: John and I are people of very low tolerance so…

Also, who the hell knew that I would get sick of pizza and pasta, like ever? I know, roll your eyes! I’m rolling them at myself. First world problems, SMH. I’m just sayin’.

Beyond the travel logistics, holy fuck: that Roman history and ingenuity is something else. How the hell were people back then so fricking smart? It seriously blows my mind. I mean, aqueduct systems, plumbing, construction, engineering… that shit is incredible. On the negative side, I suppose you can get a shit ton done with slave labor. Shrug.

[FAG id=7384]

No Shows

The last time I wrote, I was about to host my fourth homebuying class. Bubbey was all worried about no one showing up, but given that at least SOMEone had turned up at all of the last three times, I thought it was a an unlikely concern. Boy was I wrong. That day, the weather ended up being awful: cold, windy, rainy. I had invited a guest speaker too– a tax preparer who had created slides and everything for her talk. I had 7 people registered, and even now, days later, I CANNOT believe zero people came. It was awful. I mean, yes, I had already done my PowerPoint from before, but I dunno, there was the set up, the lugging of snacks and drinks, the handouts, the folders, I had prepped a new tax info sheet… all for nought. And then I felt so embarrassed for my loan officer and the guest speaker who had spent their time to do this with me.

When I texted him that no one came, Bubbey texted back a picture of Bentley. And he wrote “we love you and we believe in you.” And then my eyes started welling up… I mean, after seven long months (since my last close) and hustling most of the time along the way, how long is my family going to stay here just to battle it out, to fulfill my desire for “success”? John’s sick of the Bay Area, it’s bloody expensive, we don’t take advantage of half the amenities of being in Norcal… what is this all for? The tears stayed in, and somehow I managed not to cry in front of my loan officer. The tax preparer jetted as soon as it was 10 minutes past. But after I got home, I really felt like, “What’s the fucking point.” Just cash out on the house and move on already. Yet another failed career. Chock it up.

I mean, maybe all of this sounds overly dramatic, but damn, I felt like shit. I thought I was getting closer with the increased activity and the traction from the Iranian agent, but two months in, it wasn’t going anywhere. All action, no progress. The negativity was hitting an all-time high.

A Year in the Biz

So I’ve been intending all along to finish the year out strong by keeping up the pressure with building my biz. What that translates to, is that while many other agents have given up on hosting open houses during the winter, I’ve still been hustling for them every weekend that I’m around. Granted, I DID cut back to one day instead of two to accommodate holiday parties and such, but still.

Sadly, at the end of all this effort, the results in December have been extremely disappointing. In other words, shit traffic. For example, in areas where it’s typical to get 15-20 parties through per day, I’m seeing less than ten and of the ten, more than half are looky loos, aka nosy neighbors! Not a horrible thing, but def not hot leads.

It’s been really frustrating and then when I get down about it, I let everything slide… like I become less aggressive asking for visitor contact info and I’m less engaging while they are on site. The ripple effect from a demoralized mental state is real.

Looking forward though, I know what more I need to do. For instance, I def need to start making more calls to people I know: old acquaintances and friends. Talking to 25-30 people/week–mostly the open house folks– about real estate is not enough. That number needs to be closer to 100. And those calls… Of course, I’m aware of the awkwardness, the length of time that’s passed from when we last spoke, etc. But I read something by one of our seasoned top producers recently, and it was helpful to remind me of why these calls are necessary. Staying in contact is how this biz works. If you don’t stay top of mind, people conveniently forget that you’re in real estate and the next thing you know, your best friend is buying a house from someone else. Shiit. I gotta do it.

In related news, this new career is def changing my perspective on a lot of things. I have more respect and empathy now for salespeople, bc holy shit, this commission-only gig is a stressful grind and no matter how you slice it, that daily, constant rejection is hard. I haven’t personally altered my reaction to salespeople too drastically, but I do try now to hear them out a little more. And I just stay pleasant and polite. Not that I ever slammed the door/phone before, but now I just feel more understanding.

As for me in the sales role, I feel like I am constantly having to re-thicken my skin. Immediately after a round of door knocking or open houses, I’ll generally feel more confident talking to strangers but man, if I let up the following week, I recognized the immediate regression, bc those blows start to sting again. That constant desensitization is I think the only way to maintain some resiliency.

I also look at small businesses differently. I think about all the different facets that go into owners and shopkkeepers running a biz. Unlike with all my past salaried jobs, I no longer focus primarily on my job from that sole contributor vantage point. Now I have to think about medical insurance, taxes, marketing, business infrastructure, vendor expenses, the works! I mean, I LOVE having control over all those areas and I like seeing how it all integrates, BUT it’s also a lot of other stuff to think about and research and optimize. And now I am more aware of that for other business owners. They ARE very different than the big corporate multi-nationals. And in positions where I can, I try to support their businesses. Don’t get me wrong: I still love the selection, price, and convenience of those big boxers like Costco and Amazon, but I have also been buying little goodies or crafts or small things that I see that previously, I would have just passed by. There is something about seeing the enthusiasm and fire in their eyes and compensating them for their work and craft. Seriously, I wear some different lenses now as I move through life… it’s not always about getting the absolute best deal. Many times, yes, but not all the time like before.

Needless to say, as my first year comes to an end, I’m trying hardest to keep the mental clutter in check. Of course, outside of work, the holidays aren’t exactly the best time for me emotionally. I always feel overwhelmed ahead of seeing my family and plus, there’s just so much cultural pressure with you know, the gatherings having to be all festive and joyous. Also, I am still trying to figure out how to manage my daily annoyance re: my brother’s idiotic emails. More on that later.

To their credit, my parents really do try to be chill with me now, but like I’ve said before, my mind and body just have this habitual conditioned response. For instance, Dad keeps asking about my business. His intention I think is to comfort me for not having hit the milestones I’d originally set for myself for this first year… he acknowledges that I’m working hard and not seeing the results that I want, and he reiterates that building a biz takes time… I appreciate all of that but then he’ll say, “You’re not going to quit, right????” I think he just means I need to hang tight, BUT my brain just automatically gets pissy, reading that as some judgement he’s making about my past careers and how I’ve left them when I’ve grown frustrated or unhappy. I dunno how to explain this complex set of emotional bullshit other than that it really is hard for me to NOT take every thing my parents say so fucking literally or critically. Ugh, my sensitivity with them is always sky high.

It took some convincing but J advised that I take a break, so we’re in Scottsdale for a couple of days. I was reluctant at first, bc clearly I am very prone to tunnel vision and falling into that cyclone of despair. I don’t like to be bothered or distracted from focusing on my current problems.  But I’m glad I stepped away.

The break def helps me reset a bit. There’s a lot more to be done, but I know rest and fun are still essential. I’ve been reading recently about how work-life balance is a sham. Honestly, I think it’s mostly semantics, but I do understand this concept that focusing on one area will always detract from another… that’s how priorities work. I suppose the answer then is found somewhere along the lines of “Work hard, play hard.” Be focused on work while at work, but also make time for rest and play. And try to respect those boundaries whether they are delineated hour by hour or week by week or month by month. So I’m going to be more deliberate about adopting that mindset in the coming weeks and new year.

I Am Not Your Secretary

So as usual, leading up to my Taiwan trip, I had been dreading how I was going to manage my interactions with family, namely, I was worried about keeping my cool with my mother. As life would have it, I managed to stay relatively controlled with my mother this trip, but I ended up blowing up at my dad.

What can I say, I am full of flaws and no matter how much older I get, no matter how much more I learn and mature, there are deeply ingrained habits from my childhood that I just don’t handle well.

The odd thing is, my father and I are similar on so many levels— with our intensity, our workaholism, our tracking/managing styles, our independence, our judgement of others… and yet there are still distinct differences and powerful triggers.

From the start, my dad’s ridiculous adherence to rules was showing itself and irking me. From giving John driving directions and informing him of this and that not being allowed, to our group going to a scenic destination and wanting to eat our fruit and snacks at the upstairs cafe… I mean, yes, most food establishments in the US have some policy like “no outside food or drink”, but we could have just asked the cafe staff. No, he was adamant. He didn’t even want to ask and instead insisted that all of us eat on the lower park pavilion without as nice a view. Later, we decided to order lunch at the cafe and still he was all wound up about us eating fruit we had brought in. Mind you, no other guests were even there and to be honest, I doubt the teenybopper staff really gave a shit. He’s just unnecessarily uptight about that kind of stuff. John says it’s bc being an immigrant in America makes you fearful. You don’t ever want to give authorities any reason to give you a hard time. Yes, I agree, but still. People are on vacation to hang out with us. Chill the hell out.

Later, when I was visiting my grandparents, John and I wanted to give the two maids some extra money, bc well shit, they work a TON for my very large and demanding family and on top of that, all three grandparents still look amazing thanks to the maids’ 24/7 care. Now, remember, labor is fucking cheap in Asia. And these maids being migrant workers from Indonesia means their labor is even cheaper than for native workers. Still, by comparison with their impoverished hometown, they are making great money in Taiwan, which is why they are working overseas in the first place. So whatever. I just wanted to give them each the equivalent of 100 usd. Mind you, I’m not sure but they probably only earn a few hundred usd per month, so this is not chump change, but to me, it’s still totally worth it to show gratitude for their hard work. Anyway, Dad gets all in my business asking how much I’m giving them and then he says that amount is way out of line. His explanation is that if I give that much, when my aunt pays them, it throws off the system. There’s a system and I have to play by the rules. Omfg. I mean, are you for fucking real? Just him saying those words, triggered something. He told me to give them 33 instead. I was like, those rules have nothing to do with me. I’m a foreigner: I don’t have to abide by the local rules. And then it started to escalate.

Honestly, I’m not about to be told what to fucking do in this situation. I mean, I didn’t even need to tell him I was gifting them anything. Finally, I just say ok and left the room pissed off. I talked it over with John and he said to compromise with 66, but I was still irritated and annoyed.

A few minutes later, Dad says he needs my help with filling out the USPS form to hold his mail for the next week. Also, I need to contact his former office manager to see if she picked up his mail up until then. Also, what’s the update on the house since he didn’t set the alarm. So the gist is 1. Did she get the mail 2. Can she check on house.

It’s always a tad uncomfortable bc every time I reach out to this lady, my dad is just barking orders, so I’m trying to draft something that is friendlier. I’m drafting and then Dad wants to read my draft before it goes out. My point is, tell me the end goal and then I can decide how to get to the desired result. So even without realizing, I text her to the effect of, dad’s not sure if he asked you to get the mail but are you able to get it and blah, blah. So he’s like harping over me about what to say, like I’m a fucking secretary taking his dictation and I’m getting annoyed about having my work checked before it goes out. I read him the draft which is still in a progress and immediately, he’s like no. I am sure. I already asked her to get the mail blah blah, and then he provides all this other seemingly extraneous info. I edit and he says to read it to him again. Finally, I yell out: You’re not my boss and I’m not your secretary. I’m 40-some years old. I know how to write a text message.

And he’s kind of stunned by my blowup and says I know you’re not my secretary, you are just helping me out. I want to review it, bc you still didn’t get the message right. That angers me further and I counter back that I’m still drafting it! I edit again and read the revised again. Fast and totally pissed, glaring at him. Then he’s like whatever. Send it. I storm out.

I hate doing shit for him, bc he hovers and micromanages. It drives me nuts and then it just dredges up all the extra shit from the past where I do all this research for him and half the time that effort is wasted, with the results totally unused. Also, I realized I had gotten the detail wrong not bc I didn’t hear him, but bc subconsciously it was my way of making the request softer with the office manager…

Ultimately though, what I should have already understood is that he worked with her for almost 40 years. She knows his style already. I don’t need to censor or mute it for her, and he, as the physician, is supposed to be clear on the facts. So then I kind of understood why it mattered to him to set up the context correctly even if the end goal was the same.

Two days later, I was still bothered by my reaction to such a small request by my father. I could see that what I said and how I said it pained him. And the magnitude of my response was totally incommensurate with the situation. But like I said, there are powerful historical triggers at play. It was a culmination of things… but that didn’t make it right. And yet, for three days, I could not bring myself to apologize. My brain just kept trying to rationalize and justify even though I knew what I did was unwarranted.

I finally apologized the night before I left. I just said I was sorry for blowing up. I know he never asks me for much so I shouldn’t have lost my temper. Meanwhile, the office manager replied that she’d already gotten the mail and she would go by the house tomorrow to check on it. No problem!

That was another epiphany for me. She, having worked with him for so long, knew exactly what he meant. She always follows through on his requests and yet he still always asks her again and seeks confirmation. She didn’t take offense, bc she understands his directness and she understands that medicine is a lot about double checking the details. I’m ashamed that I didn’t already get this.

Love isn’t a Fantasyland

Wow, I just came across this very insightful post (but kinda ignore the title…), and I love it's brutal truth. In honesty, I believe it applies to all love: family, friendship, AND romantic.

The thing is, the pain you cause each other is rooted in beauty on some level. Because the more you love someone, the more vulnerable you are to them.

Can’t Be Bothered

I was lamenting to my friend M the other day that being in startup mode makes me hyper sensitive to inconvenience. Like I’m so much in the zone, that I just don’t want to be bothered with anything. Examples? A trip to Europe with Bubbey. Or maintaining my side shave. Or going away for the weekend. Or eating lunch. Or continuing that skateboarding class. Or cooking at home. Or getting a dog, even. I just want to focus on building my biz.

And something about that feels so weird. I mean, not so much the vacation or hairstyle or that stuff: I’ve always been reluctant to take time off and leave work… but definitely something seems amiss with the dog thing. I mean, I love dogs so damn much. They have been such a huge part of my life, and to think that I don’t want to experience that relationship and that joy simply bc I don’t want to be distracted feels really narrow-minded. It bugs me too that already we have talked about getting a dog first around my bday in June and then that got postponed to August and now we’re talking about pushing it off again…

I really want to understand why this was happening. Sure, I’m very serious about my business. But seeing as I have been Rovering since Marty died, obviously, I can handle dog care AND the biz concurrently. Then, I was thinking about this mild fear that the new dog won’t live up to my expectations. I mean, after all, I am my parents’ daughter, so the comparison game is all up in my blood. Is that fair to the new doggie that s/he be compared to Remy and Martin, my angels on Earth? And then of course, there are the logistics. I mean, caring for an animal is a big commitment for another 10-15 years and with the overseas relatives and elderfolks and what have you, it can get complicated. Nothing we haven’t juggled before, but like I said, I’m super sensitive about my lifestyle right now.

M said maybe this all just means I need to give myself more time. I’ll do it when I’m ready. But I’m really bothered by my aversion to inconvenience. It’s such a shitty attitude! Some things are worth the bother! For example, I’ve always complained about going home for Christmas and/or blowing my PTO visiting family in Taiwan… It’s always SO much trouble, traveling during the holidays and shuttling around from place to place. But in retrospect, what I’ve realized this year is that if I had given in to my feelings of annoyance and dread, I would have missed some very important final moments with people we love. I did those things prompted by obligation and by compromise but ultimately, it was the right decision. And I feel like getting a dog might be a similar vein.

The point is, as much as I value independence and freedom to do whatever the fuck I want, I’m also a firm believer that there is value in the struggle. Discomfort = growth. Plus, you know the Chinese LOVE the concept of “eating bitter.” The more sacrifice, the sweeter the reward. Ha!

Long story short, I started looking at the puppy porn again this evening. I got Remy when she was six months and Marty we got when he was like 2 y/o. I always thought the next dog would still be an adult. But then I started perusing Copper’s Dream. OMFG. I mean, look at these faces. Already I have like three or four PUPPIES on my short list. Look how beautiful Rhea is!! Great Dane/Pointer. She’s gonna be biggins. Or maybe we’ll do the foster-to-adopt route with Zoey 2. Shit man, it’s like midnight and now I have a major case of puppy fever!!!

Practically speaking, we do have a lot of travel coming up: Wilmington this month, then Seattle/Vancouver and Austin in September, then Taiwan (maybe Seoul enroute) in November… I’m running out of time with my Companion Pass and I want to hit up Portland again, maybe Idaho, Chicago, and Wisconsin… Eek. And work: I gotta get more deals!! Argh. We’ll just have to juggle and make it all fit somehow. Sometimes, the juice is worth the squeeze.

Another Weekend, Another Open House

So I spoke with my bud G recently, and she asked me how much I was working. I always feel like I can be more efficient than I am, so I kinda just threw out 45-55 hrs. I mean, sure, I’ve been saying that I am in Startup Mode, but I dunno: I haven’t really been tallying my hours and it’s kinda hard for me to estimate if I don’t really have productivity/results, you know?

So afterwards, I asked John just to see what his gauge was. He was like, “Um, it’s way more than that. I mean, what else have you been doing other than real estate?” Ok, touche. Yes, I seriously have been living, breathing, eating real estate. So fine. He guesstimated at least 70 hrs/week. I suppose I have been working every day of the week. And like today, I had a buyer consult in the morning followed by my open house, followed by research/emails all evening to try and “win the buyers” before their decision tomorrow…

It’s weird, bc I really do lose track of time. Like both my dad and Bubbey are telling me to step away and get some rest. But I’m in the zone! And there’s always so much to think about. I suppose the good news is that I am liking all this stuff. The bad news is, I’m really concerned about scoring my next deal, esp now that I will be away for seven days in North Carolina. I have a major fear of losing momentum.

My buyer consult this morning went well. At least I felt it did. I was meeting a Chinese couple– the guy used to work with Bubs. And Bubs, on learning that they were researching investment properties, actually plugged me to them! OMG, J and I got into a fight about it too, bc I was relaxing a few days ago and didn’t reply immediately to the guy’s email to set up a meeting. In fact, I was crafting a reply within 15-20 minutes of getting his message, and I was proofreading my reply just as I always do (I used to work in communications, for fuck’s sake!), and Bubs jumped on me about taking too damn long. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I was so goddamn pissed. I ask him to do a few things and he drags ass for DAYS and eventually never even gets my requests done. Now he’s harping on me about taking 20 minutes? Fuck off. I was so angry by the audacity. Seriously. I’ve been busting my ass, doing real estate since November. He plugs me to a friend/acquaintance for maybe the THIRD time ever, and I’m supposed to drop everything? I was SUPER angry.

Anyway, I met with the couple this morning. We had a good intro conversation for nearly an hour. I mean, the conversation flowed naturally and easily, but of course, I had anxiety all last night. Couldn’t sleep then woke up with all kinds of bowel issues. I crammed a bunch of data and stats before 9 am. I’m telling you, I never know what to expect so I over prepare like a crazy woman.

Anyway, I tried to do what Bubbey suggested to me before, which is to demonstrate my knowledge/competence through storytelling and anecdotes rather than just unemotional, factual statements. So for example, we talked about preparing strong offer packages and I mentioned what I did with my last buyers to help them win. Then we talked about crime/safety and I shared how someone at my open house was all concerned about seeing trash scavengers or RVs parked on the street. I explained how the crime reports/heat maps provide some information but ultimately, safety is subjective. People have different tolerances: like scavengers and RVs would freak my parents out but most tech millennials I encounter at the open houses don’t seem to mind a little bit of scruff in the ‘hood. And they laughed when I mentioned my safety-obsessed parents bc they could relate.

They were also concerned about HOA docs and inspection reports. I said that part of my role is to identify what issues are serious and legit and worth negotiating with the seller. I explained that a lot of times first-time buyers worry about every little thing that comes up in the reports, bc they don’t really have a grasp of its severity and the cost to fix it. I once combed through a report that said the electrical panel was a brand that had malfunction issues. Is it a fire hazard? Does it need to be replaced? Look: this is not a new house. The sellers have been living with that panel and using it for six years without issue. Not going to be addressed.

They asked how well I know the neighborhoods in San Mateo. It’s been eight years since I lived there but I have several friends in the area and all of them live in condo/TH communities. Then I rattled those places off… so yeah, I really tried to elaborate with personal info rather than just give yes/no answers.

After the meeting, I drove off to prep for my open house. It was another scorcher of a day and the property had no A/C. Once again, placing my signs was a beotch. MV is such a pain bc there are no good places to park near the intersections, so I have to drive a ways off, find a lot or space, and then walk back or cross the train tracks or whatever. And my Dr. Scholls loafers are giving me blisters, so there’s that. And then at the open house, it was busy yesterday but totally dead today until the final hour. Then a bunch of people came at once and I didn’t gather all their info bc I was talking to one couple while the other two ran off. And then, every. damn. time when I’m closing up shop after 4pm, someone shows up wanting to have a look. Mind you, all the lights are off and I packed away my flyer and snacks and supplies… fucking A. So annoying but I always let them look. Needless to say, I never finish my open houses on time and then I’m like hot, sweating, hungry, tired and I have to get those fucking signs again. Yeah, I was cranky today.

After I got home, I had to write the post-session report (I always get compliments from the listing agents for my detail and thoroughness) and then follow up with visitors. Around 7pm, I took a break to watch Married at First Sight and cram my piehole. Then, I was thinking more about my buyer consult this morning. After our meeting, I had sent a thank you email and they replied that they would be making a decision tomorrow. I was going to just wait and hear the news tomorrow. Then, OCD Vix kicked in. I mean, have I done everything possible to get the gig? Nope. So I culled together all these stats and ran a bunch of searches and scanned through properties. Seriously. Excel spreadsheets, line graphs, then the explanatory email, edited a gabillion times, blah, blah. Next thing you know it’s 11 pm. But I HAD to do it, bc I knew if I got bad news tomorrow, I would only beat myself up about it.

Oh btw, laptop update. You know how I got a new laptop bc my other one wonked out in the middle of my transaction? Well new lappie finally arrived (a week late) and I immediately fell in love with it. Now it has an audio problem. A component issue that can only be repaired by shipping it in and by being out of commission for two weeks. Um, my laptop is my livelihood. I cannot have NO laptop for two weeks. HP would not help me out, so now I had to purchase a second laptop so that I can move my data from this one to the new one and then return the defective one. Meanwhile, the second laptop still hasn’t shipped. Argh. Technology fail, but at least I can return bc it’s within the return period.

Ok, time to wind it down.

Hungry Squirrels

July 10 was a big day for me. First, my deal closed and I handed my buyers their keys. Then, both Bubbey and my parents descended into the town. Bubbey had been on a 10-day jaunt through Europe with his sister (he LOVED the trip!!), and my parents were stopping off in the Bay Area for a week before heading back to Taiwan. What else. Stormy went home that day. It was a good friend’s bday. And it was Amazon Prime Day. Kind of a lot of things all at once, you know?

So the week with the parentals went well: I mean, probably the BEST it has ever gone. Obviously, we have had an extremely conflict-ridden and tumultuous past, so it was both a relief and kind of a shock to just get along for that duration. I know, it sounds so simple, but what can I say, my family relationships haven’t been easy.

I suspect the biggest explanation for this shift is that aging and fragility changes things. I swear my parents used to push ALL my buttons, and then we would argue and yell and I was adamant about always getting in the last word, always winning the argument. Admittedly, I was ruthless. There was an anger inside me that was convinced everything I said and did, no matter how hurtful, was righteous bc it was honest. But things are so different now. My father appears so much smaller, frailer, older that before. He is still mentally sharp and quite lucid, but he is not as ambitious, not as gung ho. He still is kinda preachy with his stories and he will always try to impart lessons/life wisdom but he’s less rigid. And my mom: when I look at her, her eyes convey some spaciness, some confusion. She giggles for no apparent reason. She no longer feels like my nemesis. Rather, she is a harmless old lady. Since her medical issues, they don’t bicker like they used do. Dad is much more patient with her. He explains things over and over, but without the previous irritation. There is a palpable tenderness in how he guides her and cares for her. Their relationship is better bc as J even expressed: they have both just chilled so much the fuck out. It is a dramatic change. I mean, I really had so many decades of conflict and escalating situations… it’s mind blowing to evolve into a relationship that is entirely the opposite of what it used to be. I’m sure mortality and life experience brings about this new perspective. I feel, again that my 40s are so very different from my 30s and 20s. When I interact with my younger friends, I often see bits of my former self inside them: I was such the activist, so insistent on right and wrong, so unyielding with my judgments of others… I realize now just how complicated life is. Just how complex people and relationships are. I still feel a strong natural pull towards this idea of radical honesty… but I also see that other people, even those who hold beliefs or ideas that I oppose, they have pain and hardship and struggle. Life is a beotch for all of us– to varying degrees and in different realms. But there is emotion and feeling even among the most stoical of beings. Ultimately, kindness matters. I have to say, one of the biggest lessons I learned in marriage counseling was that being right isn’t the most important thing, esp among people you love.

So what all did I DO with my family? I continued to work, and some days J was kind enough to hang with my parents. He took them to the Chinese market. We drove them around the neighborhoods. We toured a few homes in MV. I thought maybe we would work on that plan of trying to get them to buy out here, but it’s not happening. Not only is Dad turned off by the price, but Taiwan really is home to them. We found a few tasty Asian spots. We also got steamed dungeness crabs. We made dinner at home and ate out on the patio and sipped some wine. Funny thing: I never really consider J and me as people who are super good at being happy and at enjoying life, but I suppose relative to my parents, we’re like total sybarites. Ah well, that’s a compliment. I’m tired of being chronic mal-contents: there is so much to be grateful for. What else: we took them to play bocce ball, which I introduced to my dad last January when he visited us solo. He LOVES bocce ball. I almost feel like I need to find someone in Taiwan to build dad a court. We also watched some Chinese movies. See? We did so many chill-out things. And I have to say: J is AMAZING with my parents. He truly is such a wonderful son. He asks them things, really engages in conversation with them, he pays attention to things they like… it really filled my heart with joy seeing how kind and genuine he is with them.

As for the logistical things: we took mom to the neurologist at PAMF. I was very pleased, bc he was ultra thorough. He ran the cognitive test, reviewed all her brain scans, and talked with us extensively (for an hour!!). In the end, the good news is that he said her condition is not advanced enough to be dementia. He says she has mild cognitive impairment, which frequently but doesn’t always, leads to some kind of dementia. Observing her interactions and movement, he suggested Parkinsons or a derivative. Then, based on her MRIs, he recommended putting her on stroke-prevention meds. The other recommendations were to walk a lot, stay physically active, and then see neurology specialists about potential Parkinsons. I really like this doc, but the sad news is that my parents are now back in Taiwan and I mean, who knows what kind of medical care they are getting back there. J’s dad also had some form of Parkinsons, and the way that was confirmed was by him taking the meds and seeing a dramatic improvement. I’m going to tell dad to try that with mom and then beyond that, I suppose just up the exercise and social stimulation. At this point, I suppose quality of life trumps all the medical stuff.

I did notice that mom was crazy hungry, esp late at night. Some evenings, I would awake to hear rummaging in the kitchen. Dad was like looking for cereal and nuts for her; mom then got a hold of John’s nougat from Europe (my parents never eat sweets) and devoured that… it was really weird. J and I started calling them hungry squirrels bc of the late night binging. I dunno if it’s her meds or what…

Anyway, I gotta run to my open house now, but overall, we had a good visit. There are more unanswered questions about the future but I suppose the answers aren’t coming anytime soon, so might as well let them simmer.

 

Officially Old

So my friend G is turning 40 next month, and she’s kinda freaking out bc everyone she knows warns there is a noticeable shift when you turn 40. I’m sure some part of her thinks her friends are being overly dramatic, that there isn’t really a threshold that gets crossed… I suppose everyone has a different experience, but if I’m just speaking for J and me, turning 40 was not just some imaginary threshold. Shit got real. Big. Time. Some examples? First off, remember when Bubs tore his calf muscle just from getting out of his office chair to answer the doorbell? Yeah, even the doctor was incredulous bc typically that kind of muscle tear happens when people are running a race and you know, just busting out too fast from the starting blocks. As if we’ve done ANY kind of running in the last ten years of our lives. SMH.

Another example? Bubbey just ordered progressive eyeglasses. I mean, sure he got them from hipster shop Warby Parker. That does NOT erase the fact that he now needs special lenses that allow him to read books. OMFG.

Meanwhile, I am not faring much better. My skin and hair are going to the dumps. I dunno if it’s the stress of a new career or what, but shit is losing elasticity and luster. Also, I had to go to the doctor recently to talk about excruciating foot pain. Yeah, multiple times in a month, I got a shooting pain in the center of my foot. It was almost like a charlie horse or muscle spasm except that pulling back my big toe did nothing to alleviate the pain. And the pain lasted for several minutes. OMG it hurt so badly. Naturally, I did my own research on WebMD and between that and my grandma and dad having gout, I was convinced I had consumed too much purine-rich foods and screwed myself over. Well, the doctor immediately said no to the gout. And then he asked to look at my shoes. I was wearing my red Timberland wedges which I love and never had issues wearing before… until I turned 40. Yeah, those are the culprit, the doc says. The footbed slope is too high. So basically, I was told to take Advil and to do special toe stretch exercises, which essentially entail me putting my pedicure toe separators on my feet. And now I have spent like two hours scouring all the online shoe sites searching for decent looking old lady shoes. It. Is. Exhasperating. I am looking at all the old white lady country club brands: Rockport, Easy Spirit, Aerosoles, Clarks, Dr. Scholls, Hush Puppies… I ordered four pairs from Macy’s and only one pair from that lot might work. I’ve ordered another four pairs from 6pm. We’ll see how those do. Fucking A.

In other news, the lease for my Bimmer is coming up at the end of the year. J insists that I need a bigger car to schlep around all my realtor cargo. Those fucking open house signs are so fucking bulky plus the prep bins plus my mobile command center… So he has compiled a list of SUVs. Since my car will be a tax deductible business expense, I’ll likely do a lease. Still, I’m a cheap mofo and after looking at all the SUVs, I’m now leaning towards a mini-van. Yes, this is perhaps THE ultimate indicator that I am an old beotch, bc I just don’t fucking care anymore! My friend K commented that we will be the world’s ONLY childfree couple living the minivan lifestyle. Truth. That said, the minivan pretty much has the same cargo space as the SUV PLUS better gas mileage PLUS quieter transmission PLUS slider doors. And Bubbey has been hankering for a minivan for a long while (See? He’s old too.). I mean, at the point that I am having to wear orthopedic shoes, I might as well just give in to being an all around frump-a-dump. Seriously.