Category Archives: Getting Shit Done

Difficult Phone Conversations

Last week, I left three messages for the shed people. No call back. Now almost three weeks after a repair dude was on site fixing the door that the initial crew installed all crooked, I was pissed. So yesterday evening, I called and left a nastygram voice message. Now, mind you, all this shit is the toned down version, bc today I am a much tamer and calmer person than I used to be. Still, I was clearly annoyed about having left multiple messages without any reply. Finally, early this morning, I got the call back. No apologies, just more questions on what was wrong. Ugh, your warranty guy said he was going to report back to you. WTF? Apparently, nothing was written in the notes. More fucking half ass bullshit. The good news though? A repair dude was dispatched today, and the shit was finally done. Jesus F-ing Christ. Sometimes, I’m just so appalled by how much ass wiping is needed. Whatever. Checked and off the list.

After I got to work this morning, I had a vendor call. I don’t know what exactly was going on, but I felt like I kept getting asked the same questions about big picture university social media strategy. When that call finally ended, I was so irritated. Like, if I were a smoker– even a social smoker– I would have been jonesing for the cig. Thinking about it later, wtf. I mean, I’m spending my time giving the vendor all this info helping him shape his higher level sale; meanwhile, what am I getting out of this? I mean, we have a contract, and no where is there any discussion about how the current contract is providing me with any value. Maybe I just needed time to think about the conversation and later articulate what I was concluding. So I shot back an email asking them to demonstrate and justify the value of their product. We’ll see if the vendor steps up.

If you can’t already tell, I’ve been feeling stressed again lately. There’s a big campaign coming up soon, and I guess I’m just unsure what to expect. And then honestly, it’s not just all about work. I’m also having my usual inconvient life musings and mullings… My boss has been telling me all week not to stay late and to go home. I suppose she is noticing the fatigue in my face. Me and my zone though. I can’t be stopped.

I turned in my 13th homework assignment for class tonight. Lots of cramming. I am still learning a lot, but I’m really not fond of the format and platform the teacher uses to administer the class. I find the system super difficult to navigate and organize. Plus, I can’t tell you how many times I replied to questions or classmate feedback only to have my shit disappear, bc the goddamn thing doesn’t autosave!! Argh. I have more homework due this Sunday, and then next week is finally THE LAST WEEK. Thank fucking god. I want my evenings back. Yuki and Singtrix have been neglected for far too long. And I want to start up craft club again. Just in time for spring I hope.

Starting Anew

Ok, so I got a good bit of venom and negativity out of my system with that last post. Thanks for letting me vent. I’m starting fresh now. Did you know March is NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month)? I actually participated in this way back when in November 2013. Writing a blog post every day for a month was quite a challenge. Apparently, now the promo happens every month, but there are different themes. March is news, with prompts like this. Eh, so many rules to follow. I like to freestyle that shit. We’ll see if I can up my posts this month.

As things are already, I’m still taking that social media marketing class. It’s eight weeks total, with homework due Wednesday and Sunday nights. I actually just turned in my Week 6 homework a day early. Yup, I am on that shit! I actually wanted to have all of tomorrow free, because it’s Bubbey’s bday on Monday. Hopefully, by the time he awakes tomorrow morning, I’ll have an outline planned for our day. I know, I’m cutting it close, man! 

Today was a fun day. My buds in Fremont had us over for lunch and chilling at their new house. We hung out, cooked, played with their two little boys. It’s pretty funny, because I don’t have an affinity for kids and yet lately, kids have been seeking me out! My coworker has an 8 y/o girl. She came to my office last week to sell Girl Scout Cookies. I bought 5 boxes, and then while she was waiting for her mom to wrap up, she came back to my office and sat in the chair across my desk… and just sat there looking at me. Naturally, I felt compelled to start talking to her. Meanwhile, I had some cookies on my desk, which I offered. She proceeded to eat the entire sleeve that I had just purchased from her!! 

Funny. But uh, it was weird. I was thinking to myself: “Hey kid, you know I’m not into kids, right???” I mean, I don’t hate them or anything. I just don’t feel like a natural comfort around them.

So anyway, at my friends’ house today, their first born had me all out in the rain playing with him! Granted, he and I are pretty familiar: when I wasn’t working, I hung out with his mom regularly, so he’s comfortable with me. I followed him aboard his “ship” (i.e. the park) and we traveled down a chute to check on his legions of workers in the ship bowels (i.e. we stood on the storm drain and pretended to go down the chute) . Then he had me gather sticks and leaves to make weapons. That boy. He’s quite imaginative, and admittedly, I got sucked in.

I also had an interesting revelation today. I realized that as we and our friends are getting older, more and more, we all prefer to cook and entertain at home. It’s such a big shift from our 20s, when the thing was to go out. Like I remember in Shanghai, we had these friends who were an “older” couple (i.e. in their late 30s/early 40s), and they would always host elaborate dinners at their house, with dishes made from scratch and lots of fancy wine. J and I always felt so out of place, like who the hell are these swanky people? Why don’t we all just go out to eat at the restaurant? Now, more than a decade later, we’re like those people. I’m not exactly sure what’s changed. Maybe we have a different take on value? Maybe we’ve had far too many mediocre restaurant meals that it doesn’t make sense to go out and blow money on another dud dining experience? I dunno. Maybe there’s just something more comfortable/lower key about hanging at someone’s house. Partly, I like having my uke/Jenga/karaoke/liquor cabinet all in easy reach for me and my guests!

Ok, well clearly turning in my homework gave me a second wind, and now all of the sudden, it’s 2:15a. Time to hit the sack. Still no idea what I’m planning for Bubbey tomorrow. Guess I’ll figure it out after I wake up. 🙂 After my whole tirade, turns out I’m a slacker myself!

 

Flakes

This past week, I found myself getting really annoyed with people. About three weeks ago, we purchased a shed to help move crap out of the garage and you know, de-clutter our lives. So John did the research, and set up the delivery. We had expected the shed to just be a pre-fab: you know, the truck would arrive and the crew would just unload and set the thing where we wanted on the driveway. Done in like 30 minutes. Nope. A two-person crew arrived and spent an entire day constructing the damn thing from boxes of materials!! WTF, really? Fine, whatever. J was working from home that day, so not a huge deal. Done in one day, right? Nope. Turns out, the sales dude didn’t include our shingle specs and paint colors in the order, so those materials weren’t part of the shipment. Ugh. So the guys had to return a second day with the roofing shit and paint to complete the job. They arrived early the next day, so J talked with them briefly and then he went off to work. The day after that, in the daylight, I came out to inspect this cute new shed, all specially sized to fit alongside our houseboat. J and I aren’t even picky when it comes to house/construction details. Half the time, we couldn’t give a shit about aesthetic imperfections as long as stuff works. I always give this example to illustrate how laid back we are about house shit. Years ago, I organized a group to volunteer for Habitat for Humanity. Our assignment for the day was to paint the bedrooms. Well, the leader assigned us to paint INSIDE the closets, and he kept saying, “Treat this house as if it were your own. Do a good job; take pride in your work.” Blah, blah. I mean, we were totally game with doing an awesome job on the walls that were visible, but inside a closet?? Does it really require THREE coats of paint in addition to the primer?? I mean, honestly speaking, J and I probably wouldn’t even paint inside the closet for our own house!!! Who the hell cares? No one sees that shit. I mean, yeah, maybe a coat to prevent moisture or whatever, but multiple coats? Total overkill.

Similarly, I had a handyman onsite last month. He cracked the lid to my toilet tank. It was white. He offered to replace it, but it required another trip from Los Gatos. I was like, “I really don’t care about the crack line. I put a box of tissues on top of the lid anyway. Just crazy glue it.” J was concerned the crazy glue wouldn’t really hold. In the end, I saw my neighbor disposing of his old toilet, and I just took his lid. Mind you, his toilet was brown, not white. Whatever. It’s just not something that bugs me or J. There’s a lid now. Done.

So back to the shed. When I looked at it, the front door wasn’t even aligned. It was so fricking crooked that the door rubbed all around the jamb and didn’t even shut securely. Inside, under the roof, there was one panel that was riddled with nails poking through. Like poking through to the point that the rough particle board was flaking underneath. Then, scattered all around the shed on the driveway were nails and chipped hardware bits. WTF?? On the outside, the shingles were misaligned with the roof line and unevenly laid. I mean, as untrained as my eyes are, this was a fucking hack job!! Not only that, they pulled out our hose to check for leaks in the roof, and they didn’t even wrap the hose back into its storage pot. They fucking left the hose in a half-ass jumbled pile AND the water was still on. Seriously, who works like this??? So yeah, overall, shit job. I was pissed, but I knew flipping out was not going to help. Plus, J had really put in a lot of effort and time researching the shed and coordinating the logistics. Maybe the guys were newbs, or they were having a bad day? Whatever. So I call the customer service dude. He sends out a warranty service guy to take a look the following week. Dude comes and fixes the door. He claims the nails are ok and just need to be snipped on the bottom (uh, then why aren’t they poking through EVERYwhere rather than just that one panel?), but he admits that the shingles need to be completely redone. He’ll tell the service rep, and they’ll schedule another repair trip. That was two and a half weeks ago. Since then, I have left 3 messages. I always get the goddamn answering machine, and on Friday, I got some lame auto message, “We are having technical difficulties.” Again, WTF. Finally, I dial into the sales line, and I actually talk to the guy who SOLD J the unit. Yeah dude. You sold us the unit. This has been a bad experience. I explain without getting nasty about it, and he promises action/follow up on Monday when the customer service guy returns. We’ll see what happens on Monday. But come on people!!! Do your fucking job. No, I don’t expect 100%, because your job is probably really shitty and pays crap, but Jesus Christ, give me more than 20%. I have definitely softened my stance since my younger years when I was always ready to rumble about bullshit customer service. Now? I just expect companies to be upfront and responsive. And show some damn effort with making things right!

What else. Oh. Also on Friday, I had a second meeting scheduled with the ergonomic specialist at work. I’d been reading a lot lately about how my work and the sedentary office environment are basically going to destroy me (blind, arthritic, deaf, remember?), so I started standing at work. Being the cheap bastard that I am, I pretty much just did my own makeshift standing desk using multiple reams of paper and a cardboard box. Long story short, the expert came a few weeks ago. She took pictures and told me flat out that my setup was “horrendous.” So she readjusted by adding more paper, etc. I showed her the desktop gadget/appliance I wanted to use to give me sit/stand capability. She went back to research and work on the quote. Two weeks later, still no quote. She emails saying the measurements might not work for my desk, so let’s meet to discuss. Really? How about just put in for a bigger table? Is another meeting really necessary? Meanwhile, I’d been feeling really tired all week long. Partly due to seasonal allergies. Partly due to shit sleep. But I have interns come in M-Th. Since they don’t come on Friday, I considered taking off just to rest. Well, ergo lady could only meet Friday. Fine. Let’s just do it. So our appointment time rolls around. Ten minutes late, and no sign of her. I email saying, “I have us scheduled to meet now. Are you ok?” No reply. One hour later, I call her mobile. She answers like it’s an ordinary day. “Uh, were we meeting today?” Totally clueless for like 15 seconds. “Oh, oh, yes. I’m sorry. I had an emergency this morning and forgot to call you.” Um yeah. Our meeting was 1:45p, so you had all morning to work out your situation and no fucking call? And my friends know: I’m already the most gullible person in the world!! She didn’t even SOUND convincing. Honestly, I imagined her lounging around somewhere on vacation. Fucking A. I mean really, should it take TWO weeks for me to get an email just to schedule another meeting? What a slack ass. Fucking annoying. I would probably have better luck just buying what I need, figuring out myself how to jerryrig it, and then putting in for reimbursement.

The thing is, I get that work sucks. I mean, I’m not exactly in my dream job in paradise. But do your damn job, or if not, get a different job where you will do work. For fuck’s sake, people.

Valentine’s Day Foiled

Some days, I really wonder if J and I are being secretly taped for a bloopers show. On Friday, the boss let staff off work an hour early. Awesome. I thought I would go home to do some solo singing on my karaoke machine, but as soon as I got on the road, I decided to do the more responsible thing and hit up Costco instead. Surprisingly, Costco was ok when I got there around 4:30p. I went through the line, and then as soon as I got done checking out, I realized I had forgotten some key items. You see, I noticed this week that my post-NuWave procrastination had carried on long enough so I was determined to make my signature roast duck in the convection oven of our new range that evening. I’d picked up the fresh duck, but I’d forgotten the roti, which is an Indian bread that I use to wrap my Beijing duck. Since I was already going back in the store, I figured I would also try the new Hawaiian poke bar (where they sell long slabs of Ahi tuna!), and I also eyed a beautiful glazed pot of bamboo: Chinese New Year is next week after all. In the end, going through the store for those three additional items really cost me, because by the time I got back to the checkout line, everyone and her mother had come to Costco for that after-work run. Ugh, the cost of doing business.

Nonetheless, I got home and did a whole spread: salad, the poke, and my duck. After the longest 85 minutes ever, the duck turned out just so-so. No crispy skin and I dunno, just not as good as with the NuWave. Maybe I didn’t get the temps high enough? I dunno, but I was disappointed. Not only that, now I have to do another test run to get it right in time for Chinese New Year! Overall, the dinner still came out nicely. We also enjoyed a bottle of red wine. Afterwards, J did some work while I sang on my Singtrix.

As much as I want to master Lana Del Rey, I just can’t get the damn pacing right. Fucking rhythm, bane of my existence. J says Torn (Sixpence None the Richer) and The Way I am (Ingrid Michaelson) are better fits for my range. But those songs are so much less edgy and less badass. Sigh. I’m such a wannabe.

Around 10p, J’s sister and beau dropped of their dog. We’re watching him this weekend. The last time we had him over was Christmas, and I won’t go over what happened. All I’m gonna say is, he’s not allowed on the couch, and I’m not going to put up with any crying and whining. At the end of a seemingly long day, we hit the sack Friday night past midnight. I actually felt some anticipation for Valentine’s Day.

So as life would have it, none of us (including the dogs) got out of bed on Valentine’s Day until about 1p. In the middle of the night, J got a major case of diarrhea. Consequently, he was dehydrated, got a migraine, and suffered through sweats and chills. I awoke briefly when my alarm went off at 8a, but dang, my throat was sore as hell. Yeah, pretty much we decided then and there that V Day was cancelled.

The rest of the day was pretty much shot. I walked the dogs at the park in the afternoon, but other than that, I stayed home all day. I did homework reading and laundry and then we watched tv. The most disturbing thing from all of this? What the fuck gave him the shits? We ate all the same stuff, and I was fine. He says he just had some beef jerky earlier that day at work. So basically, it sounds like I slaved over making a nice dinner and then Bubs got the runs. FML.

The weird thing is, I had no issues. Then again, I don’t know how food poisoning works exactly. I mean, maybe he ate a bad piece of the poke tuna or a piece of duck was undercooked? I honestly don’t know. I had even used a frickin’ temperature probe!!

Whatever. Figures. While everyone else is getting their love celebration on, we’re holed up at home with issues. I swear this kind of shit only happens to us. On the bright side, it is a long holiday weekend, so I suppose Sunday can be a do over. I just have to make sure I get my homework done. Yes, I am in Week 4 now, and I am still meeting deadlines doing my homework. I can’t be helped. It just is what it is. Factor that shit in, man.

What else happened this week. Oh, my work friends and I hit up a play in downtown SJ. There were like 20 people in the audience, so that was a little awkward (though more for the actors than for me), but the play was good!! The story was about two programmer friends who both loved the same woman (she was married to one of them). Anyway, it hit on several interesting themes: the intersection of genius and madness as well as friendship, infidelity, love, neglect, attention… I was reminded about how loneliness can creep in even when you are in the physical presence of people. Human emotions and needs can be so complicated.

Beginner Shred

Wow, a week later and I am still doing the Beginner Shred. Sure, Jillian Michaels’ plan calls for ten days straight on workout 1. I’ve stuck to the workout, but on a “modified” schedule, which is fine with me. I’m not aiming for buns of steel or anything. Of course, last night I did the workout, and this morning I awoke fucking paralyzed. WTF. Ok, not paralyzed but definitely “temporarily disabled.” Somehow, I managed to pull a muscle between my shoulder blade and spine. I didn’t really feel anything yesterday, although I suspect it’s that damn Superman exercise where you get on your belly and lift the front and back ends off the floor. I hate that shit. So uncomfortable, and now my head-neck mobility is totally fucked. Oh well, another day of rest for me!

Last week was pretty much a blur. Can I just say, I am so damn sick of home repair! On Superbowl weekend, I had a handyman over to fix a leaking toilet (among other tasks). Overall, he did a great job. The new latch on our gate works like a charm, and the guest bath can finally run the shower without all the water spewing out the tub faucet. And for the leaky toilet, he replaced the flap and made all the adjustments. All seemed good but then a few days later, I heard the toilet refilling with water again. So while the toilet doesn’t leak like it used to, it’s still leaking very slowly. Sometimes I wish J could just fix the damn thing, but he lifted the lid and poked around. No solution. I know, being all feminist and shit, I should just take care of it myself but goddamnit, I really don’t need one more thing added to my list of to dos. So I’m pretty fucking cranky about the leaky toilet. It really is a conservationist’s nightmare, and if this continues, that valve is just getting shut off. No more bullshit, man. Meanwhile, on Wednesday, we had a legit plumber onsite to rework the gas valve for our new double-oven range in the kitchen. Of course, as our timing would have it, we didn’t realize the toilet was leaking until after he had gone. And for his task, he said he was going to recess the electrical outlet in addition to modifying the valve. Well, he recessed the outlet like 1/2 an inch, so the range STILL protrudes an inch out of line with the cabinets. WTF? Another trip is required, because he says he needs a different receptacle box or whatever. I text him to ask if he can come next week. No reply. Fucking A.

In other news, Marty is getting me up in the middle of the night again. Last week, he started panting crazy at like 2a. I could not calm him down. I don’t even remember how he finally settled in the end. Maybe he wore himself down and knocked out. The day prior, my bud K gave me some calming droplets to add to his food or water. I tried it that evening, and he calmed down pretty soon after. But man, on Thursday, nothing worked. Every time I feel sleep deprived, I think about my new mom friends and I try to conjure strength and patience. But shit, I get so dang cranky and irritable. Whatever though, at least I don’t take it out on poor Marty. (I just take it out on others!)

So a storm moved in late Thursday. Wind gusts and lots of rain. I had J put in a rain chain (we wanted to try using that instead of the decrepit downspout). When he got up on the ladder, he discovered a bunch of ponded water on the front left of the house. Ponding over the eaves portion (not main portion) of the roof. Uh duh. That’s why we have all those dryrotted beams. What a fucking pain. It’s really stressing me out. I had the handyman take a look last month, and he turned down that work saying it was beyond his skillset. Then, a construction crew who worked on my neighbor’s beams said they were interested. I asked for a quote and the journeyman said he wanted to meet the following weekend. Well, he never got back to me. Flakes!!! Now I have emailed my other neighbor’s contractor, and hopefully that guy can come out and take a look. At this point, I just want shit fixed. I don’t even care about price (desperate times, desperate measures)… No more goddamn dilly dallying. For realz. On Monday, I’m also going to call the Day Worker Center. Last year I saw some flier from the Center, saying they have skilled and trained workers available for all kinds of home repair, gardening, cooking, cleaning, painting, etc. Time for action.

Endless Hustle

Midnight already. WTF? This week has been nonstop action once again. Yup, apparently, the excitement over here is off the hook. Life and times of the VG. I noticed today that I am starting to ignore my body’s triggers again. Need to pee? Wait, I’m in the middle of something. Hungry? I’m busy. OMG, how self-important can I be? Yeah, saving lives with social media. Whatev.

Today I noticed a different sensation though: I sat so damn long (on my bouncy ball even!) that my butt went numb. And on top of that, the office is fricking freezing. I brought in my mini space heater, but that shit is too damn small. Suitable at my last job where I was living the cubicle life, but now that shit doesn’t crank enough heat. I really might have to bring back the old school hot water bottle. My bud K though might really shit her pants. Oh well, I can’t be stopped. Time to kick things into high gear!

So I had a meeting yesterday with my boss. She was asking me a ton of blunt questions again. It’s funny because, as someone who values directness, I have an appreciation for the Inquisition. That said, being on the receiving end is a little weird. I mean, I answer truthfully (no surprise there), but at the same time, I try not to come across with just neutral and negative feedback, i.e. NO POSITIVE responses. She asked me what I like most, what I like least, if I’m having fun… I hope that all my communications workshops and social intelligence training enabled me to walk that thin line. Basically, I gave this vibe: I’m ok for now, i.e. I’m not lovin’ it but I’m also not actively looking to leave. Who knows how she read it.

Ok, so this week wasn’t ALL work. After an 18-month hiatus, Sasha Fierce made an appearance. Holy shit. My toupee emerged from her box for a new office debut. I wore my hairpiece most of the week, and because I’m a dumbass who CANNOT lie to save my life, nearly everyone who commented about my bangs was told the truth. I know, some of them probably would have preferred a lie. But really, why should fake hair carry a stigma? I know, even with hair extensions, I cannot fib. What compels me to be so damn forthcoming? I dunno! I mean, I just think fake hair is funny. When I first stumbled on these amazing creations with P in the beauty supply shop, I just could not believe how easy they were to clip on nor how natural they looked! Jessica Simpson and her dude Ken Paves know how to do it up, man!

The only thing is, the wig has always needed a trimming. Because I’m awful with cutting hair and I’m too lazy/cheap to take that shit with me to the salon, I just wore my bangs straight out of the box. With the original length, I had to clip those fuckers way far back on my crown so I could still see through them side swept. Def a little bit off. Enter my bud K. Homegirl has been cutting her own hair in between cuts for ages, so she’s freaking experienced. She even had legit shears– for cutting hair, rather than crafts and school supplies. Anyway, she took me downstairs to some super secret solo bathroom (instead of the multi-stall one on our floor) and snip, snip, snip, voila! My bangs are super badass now. I think next K will be tasked with braiding. I am dying to try the fishtail. In fact, I have purposefully kept my hair long so that I can put in braids. The time has finally come. Yup, it sure is fun hanging with someone who knows about hair, clothes, and makeup… let the experimenting begin! Muhahaha.

Friends with Kids

We are meeting with a handyman tomorrow morning for a long list of home repairs that we have been procrastinating for years. Depending on what he’s comfortable doing, the work might expand to something big involving electrical rewiring and such. We’ll see. The guy actually works for my former employer, and he did some repair work for my uber meticulous friend M, so he’s automatically competent, qualified, and trustworthy in my book. Haha.

Our friends J and J just popped out their first kid this week. H was a 9 pounder! Shit, man. We’re waiting to hear from the parents on when they are ready for visitors. Interestingly, I recently came across this article on HuffPo. The read was actually kinda eye-opening, not so much because what she said was new but rather, her statements carried a resounding familiarity. Her description about conserving energy and hunkering down in survival mode was almost word-for-word shit I’d heard from my friend J. After hearing his excuses for well over a year, I admit, I grew increasingly annoyed and dismissive of his reasons. Now that some time has passed, revisiting this topic doesn’t seem nearly as irritating. I still think losing touch (at varying degrees) with our friends with kids is inevitable, because that’s just how the cookie crumbles. As my friend once said, “We live radically different lives, yo.” I’m just not going to take it personally anymore.

In other news, work is going ok. My latest BFF/coworker had her last day on Tuesday. It sucked to see her go. Such is life! Thankfully, I am feeling more settled and less stressed about work these days. I’m still trying to keep that new perspective about work-life balance and such. Oddly, my boss keeps asking me if I’m having fun. Haha. All I can say is I’m feeling better than I did initially. I’m not gonna lie: I wouldn’t call it “fun,” BUT I’m feeling ok. She’s probably just feeling a little paranoid because my coworker left. For now, I’m all in.

That said, man people piss me off with their asinine comments on social. I did a post about the 7-11 store next to campus reopening, and some asshole complained that “as an alum,” he was disappointed to see such an endorsement, blah, blah, blah. Well asshole, I’m not a big fan of 7-11 either, but you know what? The kids fucking LOVE 7-11. I posted months ago about the store while it was under construction, and it got a shit ton of engagement, so newsflash: ou’re not the only person in my audience. I was so annoyed 1) because he pulled the power card (I’m an alum, so my opinion matters more than anyone else’s) 2) if you don’t particularly like a post, who the fuck takes the time to actually complain (??) and on Instagram, of all platforms? Some people are so lame. Whatevs.

Fast Car

Goddamn, another week is done. This one actually felt fuller than most, maybe because J and I are, you know, trying to “live our best life” and all that bullshit. Yup, still going strong after that swift kick in the ass from the parentals.

We donated my old car to the food bank. I was thrilled to learn that the Camry we gave them 4 years ago is still running. The org is planning to replace the tires on my Honda and use it internally. I love when I find reuse opportunities for our old things. Reuse is so much better than recycling. Meanwhile, I am having a blast driving my new fast car! I mean, I probably just drive it normally, but because the engine is an upgrade from my 4-cylinder, I feel like I am darting all around town with renewed vigor. Haha.

I started singing again with my new karaoke system. The Singtrix system is pretty cool in that I can play YouTube karaoke files and also regular music files (it can take out the voice part). Right now I am listening to Lana Del Rey nonstop, because I’m determined to master a song or two. Yeah, I know, whatever happened to the whole “enjoy the moment and don’t worry about technicalities” mindset? I dunno. I suppose in some way, this is how I have fun… building skills and such. So yeah, right now I’m in OCD mode with singing. Sometimes after I crawl into bed, I play the YouTube karaoke files on my iPad and just sing along… without my mic and SingTrix system. J is now calling me Doobie Del Rey. Haha. Historically, these intense periods of mine tend to be short-lived, so I might as well take advantage and hit the iron while it’s hot. I’m making decent progress too.

Swift Kick in the Ass

There’s nothing like a visit to the parentals and in-laws to give J and me that super swift kick in the ass. If we were draggin’ butt these last couple of months (or last year), all we really needed was to see firsthand the consequences of inaction, paralysis, denial, and mental/emotional defeat. With his parents, life could be so much easier for them: they and the kids have resources to provide services to help them be more comfortable: shopping services, food/meal services, cleaning services… but help is refused. With my parents, my father was sick and that in turn led to overthinking (sound familiar) and depression. He is that classic case of perfectionism where happiness depends on other people. I know, because I am often that person. I hold off on being happy until everyone and everything around me is just about right. He doesn’t state the culprits, but when pushed, he alludes and I know exactly one of the factors that makes him feel so unfulfilled. One of his life goals will just never be met.

I don’t know what else can really be said or done about my parents not becoming grandparents. As I’ve mentioned time and time again, I’m not going to take on parenting for other people. I just will not. And I have apologized for this before, but I’m not going to apologize for it again. I know this sounds harsh, but quite honestly, this is simply something they have to get over. I know it’s not easy, but that’s the only solution.

After we returned to California, there was an entire series of annoying events, but I tried really hard to keep my spirits up, because after spending a few days with poo poo dad, I realized this Debbie Downer bullshit just doesn’t do anything for anyone. The misery only spreads. First, the donut tire was a major pain. We had to take El Camino all the way down the peninsula; of course, not before trying to coordinate an exchange (our Marty for her iPhone left in the rental car) with my sis-in-law. It took a long time to meet up at the correct location. Then, we were starved and all the food spots closed, so we had to hit BK. Disgusting. When we got home, I noticed that Marty’s coat was total shit (after just six days?), and he was itching again like crazy. WTF??? Then, there were other discoveries: my Christmas tree was oddly ajar: on closer inspection, my handmade tree topper WoolBuddy was gone (later found destroyed), and a bunch of branches were all crushed and shit (fake tree). Turns out my sis-in-law’s dog J got into my tree. Of course, no word/report from the sitter the entire time we were gone except that the dogs went on walks. I had even checked in with her once or twice via text, and the replies were always super short: everything is fine. Meanwhile, spooky, skittish, itchy Marty is back. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I was pretty cranky on returning home.

The next day, I tried to start over on the right foot. I did some online car research, tried to reorganize shit, do some laundry. Well, by late morning, after my shower and a load of laundry, both bathrooms and the washer/dryer area were totally flooded. Are you fucking kidding me? Thankfully, I found a good local plumbing company. They were swamped with calls, but fortunately, I was the last accepted call for the day. The dude cleared our sewer backup by snaking from the roof! Fine, whatever. He got us back up and running again, and then I had a shit ton of laundry to do, because we sacrificed a bunch of towels to soak up that mess.

In the evening, we finally left the house to test drive some cars. For some reason, all along I’d been super indecisive about car shopping. I pretty much hated my Honda Civic Hybrid from the time I got it (although it DID get me into the carpool lane when I had that job in Fremont), and for the last year plus, J started pushing hard for me to get something else. It just has a really herky-jerky ride, and I’d taken it in for service and done all the maintenance. J blames its shit quality on being the first time Honda implemented the hybrid technology. Anyway, after the tire blew out on Christmas Eve, I realized that all the tires would need replacing. Plus, who knows how much longer the hybrid battery will last. Yup, time for a new car. So what was next? I was all over the damn place: VW, Hyundai, Mini, BMW, Lexus. There were just so many factors to weigh, and I couldn’t get my priorities straight. I had test driven the VW and Hyundai a few months back. The Jetta and CC were underwhelming and kinda noisy. The GTI was super fun but loud. The Hyundai Sonata was pretty basic– very economical and practical, but boring. This time, I like the Mini, but there was still too much engine noise, and the four-door was super tight in the back. I then test drove the BMW 328i. Pretty responsive and fun. I could really go there if it weren’t for the deluxe “image” issue that I always try to avoid. And the sales agent was super lame. The next day (December 31), I test drove the Lexus IS250, and it was freaking awesome: super quiet, smooth, and powerful, but the mpg wasn’t so great AND they didn’t have the color I wanted. The sales agent also really knew his shit. So I was down to two. Ultimately, I decided on the BMW. We then went back to the lame dealership after doing some online research and finding his “best deal” from the day before sufficient, but then he rescinded the offer saying holiday incentives expired December 29. WTF? So we headed to the Fremont dealership, and finally, after an entire day (there HAS to be an easier way to get a car!!) we got ‘er done at 10p on NYE: BMW 328i in imperial blue. We’re doing the lease option for the first time ever. Kinda counter to how we usually roll, but I did some research, and we’re giving it a go! Honestly, the car feels WAY too fancy for me, but dang, it’s a nice ride with some umph (haha!). And she sure is a beauty!

So yesterday, I was already starting to get all paranoid about not wanting to ding/scratch her (who knows what BMW would consider wear/tear at the end of the lease), so I was like procrastinating with driving. J reminded me that a car is meant to be driven. It’s not a museum piece. It’s not a collector’s item. Drive the fucking car, and appreciate the engineering, the design, the ride. My Bubbey– he’s so wise. I have to say, all the bells and whistles are quite nice– with small touches like backlit door handles and sensors for handfree trunk access. Of course, I still have occasional unhelpful thoughts like I don’t deserve it; I’m not worth it; blah, blah, blah. I guess I’ll continue to have those thoughts, but I’m going to proceed anyway!

Capacity

In my last post, I detailed a plan for getting myself out of my current funk. I intend to follow the plan, but that doesn’t necessarily stop the overthinking. Haha. On the flight to the East Coast this morning, I was thinking about my own capacity. Why have I felt so on edge these last few months? Am I feeling burdened or troubled by more factors than usual, or has my tolerance and patience decreased without me knowing?

The thing is, I don’t feel optimistic about the future. Increasingly, I find myself dreading all the inevitable things coming down the pipeline. Am I being morbid? Maybe. My grandparents are aging, my in-laws, my parents, Martin… I worry about how I will handle all of this. If I am already flipping out about the combination of work, Martin (with non-life threatening issues), my friend N, my funk, J’s funk, the goddamn NuWave oven going kaput (more on that later), holiday logistics, etc… how the hell am I going to deal with stuff when the REAL shit hits the fan? Will I discover new capacity, or will I completely lose my mind? OMFG. I really am morphing into my mother. And yes, that is a horrible, awful thing. Why? Because she allows fear to paralyze her. Fear stops her from finding solutions. Fear stops her from discovering, from learning, from living. Maybe statements like this aren’t cool to say out loud. I’m sure moms out there are taking offense. I acknowledge that parenting is a shit ton of work, and sure, let’s applaud these women for their effort. But as one of my friends once said, trying to be a good parent doesn’t necessarily equate to being a good parent. By the same token, trying to be a good daughter doesn’t equate to being a good daughter. I suppose the simplest way to say this is that my relationship with my mother is complicated.

Speaking of co-dependence, on the drive to the airport this morning, my car started shaking at high-speed. In the last week, my Honda Civic hybrid definitely started driving jerkier than usual, but I didn’t think much of it. After all, I take it in pretty regularly for the oil changes, maintenance, etc. It’s kinda just always been a shitty ride. Two days ago though, the shaking grew more intense, and I made a mental note to tell J. Well, in the holiday hustle, I completely forgot.

So this morning, before the crack of dawn, we loaded my car and headed for the airport. As soon as we got on the highway, the car started vibrating. J was like, “This is not right. Why didn’t you say anything? We should have taken my car.” Well, we had already left the house a ways, so let’s just get to the airport. The shaking intensified, but then subsided once we got to Burlingame. I made a comment that the shaking went away, and literally, seconds later, there was a really loud cycling noise and what sounded like parts flying off the car. Less than a mile from our airport parking garage, we pulled over with a blown out flat tire. So yup, there we were on the side of the highway at 6a on Christmas Eve. I’d never gotten a tire blowout before, so I was immediately thinking, shit, we’re going to miss the flight, because I dunno how to change a tire and I gotta call roadside for that shit. In my panic, I called T. J was like, “We’ll change it. They can’t do anything for us.” Sorry T, premature call! So J starts pulling all our luggage out of the trunk and moving it to the back seat. Like a total dumbass, I’m standing next to the car on the side with cars speeding by at 80 mph. I was such a useless piece. After a bit of fumbling around, I busted out the manual to figure out how to remove the damn hubcab and use the jack. Turns out, we didn’t even use the jack right until the very end, but whatever, we got the donut on. And holy shit, we made our flight with time to spare. Thank goodness for Bubbey!

Afterwards though, I was a little freaked out, you know? Like what would have happened if I were alone? I could have lost control of the car and gotten into an accident. Or I would have been stranded roadside, waiting for AAA to come help. Fucking no survival skills!!! WTF?? I mean, it is what it is. I guess now I know how to change a tire. Still, I was all disturbed feeling like a lame girl. Ugh. Ok fine, get over it.

Meanwhile, J is already insisting that this is a sign I need a new car. It’s true. From the beginning, this first hybrid by Honda has been a disappointment. Still, I was committed, plus I just didn’t want to go car shopping. You see, I had researched a car for my dad and a car for my grandfather… I was just over it. Clearly, procrastination is real. But now, it’s time to confront the issues that must be addressed. Maybe after we get back to town. Get ‘er done. The holiday adventure begins right?