Category Archives: Getting Shit Done

Swift Kick in the Ass

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There’s nothing like a visit to the parentals and in-laws to give J and me that super swift kick in the ass. If we were draggin’ butt these last couple of months (or last year), all we really needed was to see firsthand the consequences of inaction, paralysis, denial, and mental/emotional defeat. With his parents, life could be so much easier for them: they and the kids have resources to provide services to help them be more comfortable: shopping services, food/meal services, cleaning services… but help is refused. With my parents, my father was sick and that in turn led to overthinking (sound familiar) and depression. He is that classic case of perfectionism where happiness depends on other people. I know, because I am often that person. I hold off on being happy until everyone and everything around me is just about right. He doesn’t state the culprits, but when pushed, he alludes and I know exactly one of the factors that makes him feel so unfulfilled. One of his life goals will just never be met.

I don’t know what else can really be said or done about my parents not becoming grandparents. As I’ve mentioned time and time again, I’m not going to take on parenting for other people. I just will not. And I have apologized for this before, but I’m not going to apologize for it again. I know this sounds harsh, but quite honestly, this is simply something they have to get over. I know it’s not easy, but that’s the only solution.

After we returned to California, there was an entire series of annoying events, but I tried really hard to keep my spirits up, because after spending a few days with poo poo dad, I realized this Debbie Downer bullshit just doesn’t do anything for anyone. The misery only spreads. First, the donut tire was a major pain. We had to take El Camino all the way down the peninsula; of course, not before trying to coordinate an exchange (our Marty for her iPhone left in the rental car) with my sis-in-law. It took a long time to meet up at the correct location. Then, we were starved and all the food spots closed, so we had to hit BK. Disgusting. When we got home, I noticed that Marty’s coat was total shit (after just six days?), and he was itching again like crazy. WTF??? Then, there were other discoveries: my Christmas tree was oddly ajar: on closer inspection, my handmade tree topper WoolBuddy was gone (later found destroyed), and a bunch of branches were all crushed and shit (fake tree). Turns out my sis-in-law’s dog J got into my tree. Of course, no word/report from the sitter the entire time we were gone except that the dogs went on walks. I had even checked in with her once or twice via text, and the replies were always super short: everything is fine. Meanwhile, spooky, skittish, itchy Marty is back. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I was pretty cranky on returning home.

The next day, I tried to start over on the right foot. I did some online car research, tried to reorganize shit, do some laundry. Well, by late morning, after my shower and a load of laundry, both bathrooms and the washer/dryer area were totally flooded. Are you fucking kidding me? Thankfully, I found a good local plumbing company. They were swamped with calls, but fortunately, I was the last accepted call for the day. The dude cleared our sewer backup by snaking from the roof! Fine, whatever. He got us back up and running again, and then I had a shit ton of laundry to do, because we sacrificed a bunch of towels to soak up that mess.

In the evening, we finally left the house to test drive some cars. For some reason, all along I’d been super indecisive about car shopping. I pretty much hated my Honda Civic Hybrid from the time I got it (although it DID get me into the carpool lane when I had that job in Fremont), and for the last year plus, J started pushing hard for me to get something else. It just has a really herky-jerky ride, and I’d taken it in for service and done all the maintenance. J blames its shit quality on being the first time Honda implemented the hybrid technology. Anyway, after the tire blew out on Christmas Eve, I realized that all the tires would need replacing. Plus, who knows how much longer the hybrid battery will last. Yup, time for a new car. So what was next? I was all over the damn place: VW, Hyundai, Mini, BMW, Lexus. There were just so many factors to weigh, and I couldn’t get my priorities straight. I had test driven the VW and Hyundai a few months back. The Jetta and CC were underwhelming and kinda noisy. The GTI was super fun but loud. The Hyundai Sonata was pretty basic– very economical and practical, but boring. This time, I like the Mini, but there was still too much engine noise, and the four-door was super tight in the back. I then test drove the BMW 328i. Pretty responsive and fun. I could really go there if it weren’t for the deluxe “image” issue that I always try to avoid. And the sales agent was super lame. The next day (December 31), I test drove the Lexus IS250, and it was freaking awesome: super quiet, smooth, and powerful, but the mpg wasn’t so great AND they didn’t have the color I wanted. The sales agent also really knew his shit. So I was down to two. Ultimately, I decided on the BMW. We then went back to the lame dealership after doing some online research and finding his “best deal” from the day before sufficient, but then he rescinded the offer saying holiday incentives expired December 29. WTF? So we headed to the Fremont dealership, and finally, after an entire day (there HAS to be an easier way to get a car!!) we got ‘er done at 10p on NYE: BMW 328i in imperial blue. We’re doing the lease option for the first time ever. Kinda counter to how we usually roll, but I did some research, and we’re giving it a go! Honestly, the car feels WAY too fancy for me, but dang, it’s a nice ride with some umph (haha!). And she sure is a beauty!

So yesterday, I was already starting to get all paranoid about not wanting to ding/scratch her (who knows what BMW would consider wear/tear at the end of the lease), so I was like procrastinating with driving. J reminded me that a car is meant to be driven. It’s not a museum piece. It’s not a collector’s item. Drive the fucking car, and appreciate the engineering, the design, the ride. My Bubbey– he’s so wise. I have to say, all the bells and whistles are quite nice– with small touches like backlit door handles and sensors for handfree trunk access. Of course, I still have occasional unhelpful thoughts like I don’t deserve it; I’m not worth it; blah, blah, blah. I guess I’ll continue to have those thoughts, but I’m going to proceed anyway!

Capacity

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In my last post, I detailed a plan for getting myself out of my current funk. I intend to follow the plan, but that doesn’t necessarily stop the overthinking. Haha. On the flight to the East Coast this morning, I was thinking about my own capacity. Why have I felt so on edge these last few months? Am I feeling burdened or troubled by more factors than usual, or has my tolerance and patience decreased without me knowing?

The thing is, I don’t feel optimistic about the future. Increasingly, I find myself dreading all the inevitable things coming down the pipeline. Am I being morbid? Maybe. My grandparents are aging, my in-laws, my parents, Martin… I worry about how I will handle all of this. If I am already flipping out about the combination of work, Martin (with non-life threatening issues), my friend N, my funk, J’s funk, the goddamn NuWave oven going kaput (more on that later), holiday logistics, etc… how the hell am I going to deal with stuff when the REAL shit hits the fan? Will I discover new capacity, or will I completely lose my mind? OMFG. I really am morphing into my mother. And yes, that is a horrible, awful thing. Why? Because she allows fear to paralyze her. Fear stops her from finding solutions. Fear stops her from discovering, from learning, from living. Maybe statements like this aren’t cool to say out loud. I’m sure moms out there are taking offense. I acknowledge that parenting is a shit ton of work, and sure, let’s applaud these women for their effort. But as one of my friends once said, trying to be a good parent doesn’t necessarily equate to being a good parent. By the same token, trying to be a good daughter doesn’t equate to being a good daughter. I suppose the simplest way to say this is that my relationship with my mother is complicated.

Speaking of co-dependence, on the drive to the airport this morning, my car started shaking at high-speed. In the last week, my Honda Civic hybrid definitely started driving jerkier than usual, but I didn’t think much of it. After all, I take it in pretty regularly for the oil changes, maintenance, etc. It’s kinda just always been a shitty ride. Two days ago though, the shaking grew more intense, and I made a mental note to tell J. Well, in the holiday hustle, I completely forgot.

So this morning, before the crack of dawn, we loaded my car and headed for the airport. As soon as we got on the highway, the car started vibrating. J was like, “This is not right. Why didn’t you say anything? We should have taken my car.” Well, we had already left the house a ways, so let’s just get to the airport. The shaking intensified, but then subsided once we got to Burlingame. I made a comment that the shaking went away, and literally, seconds later, there was a really loud cycling noise and what sounded like parts flying off the car. Less than a mile from our airport parking garage, we pulled over with a blown out flat tire. So yup, there we were on the side of the highway at 6a on Christmas Eve. I’d never gotten a tire blowout before, so I was immediately thinking, shit, we’re going to miss the flight, because I dunno how to change a tire and I gotta call roadside for that shit. In my panic, I called T. J was like, “We’ll change it. They can’t do anything for us.” Sorry T, premature call! So J starts pulling all our luggage out of the trunk and moving it to the back seat. Like a total dumbass, I’m standing next to the car on the side with cars speeding by at 80 mph. I was such a useless piece. After a bit of fumbling around, I busted out the manual to figure out how to remove the damn hubcab and use the jack. Turns out, we didn’t even use the jack right until the very end, but whatever, we got the donut on. And holy shit, we made our flight with time to spare. Thank goodness for Bubbey!

Afterwards though, I was a little freaked out, you know? Like what would have happened if I were alone? I could have lost control of the car and gotten into an accident. Or I would have been stranded roadside, waiting for AAA to come help. Fucking no survival skills!!! WTF?? I mean, it is what it is. I guess now I know how to change a tire. Still, I was all disturbed feeling like a lame girl. Ugh. Ok fine, get over it.

Meanwhile, J is already insisting that this is a sign I need a new car. It’s true. From the beginning, this first hybrid by Honda has been a disappointment. Still, I was committed, plus I just didn’t want to go car shopping. You see, I had researched a car for my dad and a car for my grandfather… I was just over it. Clearly, procrastination is real. But now, it’s time to confront the issues that must be addressed. Maybe after we get back to town. Get ‘er done. The holiday adventure begins right?

Fighting the Funk

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I’ve been in a total funk lately. Just two months ago, I was all bright-eyed and cheery about landing my new job. Then the job started, and I quickly grew overwhelmed by the pressure of having to constantly produce content and for a very broad audience. Being at a religious institution, surrounded by college students, I also felt really out of place for the environment and for the job. In turn, that led to a major crisis in confidence, and since then I’ve been battling to get back on even footing.

The thing about change is that you grow to expect the unexpected. After the past year, I consider myself a seasoned pro– someone who even gravitates towards and actively seeks change. Well, apparently not. I really questioned whether this misfit would eventually work itself out.

The good news is, after putting in a shit ton of extra hours and effort early on, I queued up content for my trip to Asia in November, got back, and then resumed pounding the pavement. By December, I was feeling better, like I was maybe getting the hang of things. But just as I was starting to acclimate at work, anxiety and depression started creeping in. Everyday, SOMEthing compounded my growing negativity. Last time, I wrote about the disheartening news about N. I’m annoyed now because more than a week later, I have yet to speak with her. Part of the problem is the East Coast-West Coast time zone difference. Also, last week I had a lot of work-related events after hours. Still, she just isn’t answering the phone. And that pisses me off. Yes, I know firsthand that people withdraw when they are in a funk. After all, who wants to burden others with his/her woes, right? On the other hand, I don’t like feeling blown off, and you know me with my “friendship cultivation.” Anyway, her situation causes emotional distress: the problem-solver part of me wants to find a solution; the friend part of me requires her interaction and participation to talk it through; the depressed part of me wants to just let it all go. Fuck the world. Jekyll and Hyde, anyone??

These last few weeks, I’ve been feeling a sense of danger, like internally, a red flag is going up. There have been multiple moments where I have felt frustration and anger bubbling inside. I describe the bubbling as “rage,” but my friend T says rage is an outward, uncontrollable blindness. In these instances, I have never erupted, but I feel super unsettled inside, like I’m nearing an edge. Am I about to completely lose my shit and go mental? I dunno. Some days it really seems possible! So here’s the plan moving forward.

First things first: I’m cutting back with work. In the last week, especially with the holidays and all, I’ve definitely noticed a lot of slacking off at the office. The holidays don’t really have that kind of an effect on me, because I dunno, I guess I’m usually not that holiday-spirited, but still, I made sure to attend all the “fun” staff holiday events. I need to chill the fuck out, after all. Also, I considered these good opportunities to bond with people I currently know/like, while also familiarizing myself with potential allies in other departments. Two birds, one stone, baby. Truth be told, I am still clocking in extra hours, but it’s definitely curtailed, so go me! The other good thing (a pleasant surprise) is, I’m now pretty good friends with two people in my department– sadly, one is leaving but the other one started two weeks after me, so we’re newbies together. Both are very funny and super knowledgeable about media, marketing, and pop culture. They say they are also game for karaoke, so I’m very thrilled to add to my karaoke posse.

Second, I’m finally moving my ass more. I know exercise is one of life’s little secrets, and shit my bud M is so disciplined with it. I’m not yet back to doing the 7 Minute workout, but I am walking more on campus and taking the pups on extended walks. The plan is to reintroduce 7 Min very soon.

Third, now that Martin’s tests have all come back normal, we’ve been troubleshooting his trembling, anxiety, and spooking. We had a weird suspicion last week that maybe he was hearing some kind of electronic device that was inaudible to us. So one night, we unplugged a bunch of things in the house: the wine fridge, the laser printer, the dropcams, a bunch of stuff. Whaddya fucking know? He slept through the night. We continued the test for two nights (same results) and then slowly brought the electronics back online one by one. For the most part, all of us are sleeping better through the night. I still get up around 2-3a to use the bathroom, and last night, Martin was pacing again, but hopefully, he was just anxious because he saw all of our luggage out. I’m always fascinated by how dogs piece together those patterns. Anyway, I still feel like I have a sleep deficit to overcome, but my goal is to be all even Steven by the new year. And with decent sleep, I will be ready to conquer the world. Muhahaha.

Fourth, I’m bringing back the hobbies. Last week, I busted yuki out for the first time in over a year. I realized recently that there is a part of me that’s very “all or nothing” about skills and hobbies. I have to be making noticeable progress of some kind; otherwise, I don’t want to invest the time. This is an attitude I’d like to change. My friend J once remarked, “Why are you taking riding lessons? Who cares about the techniques? You love to ride. Just take the horse out and ride!” His comment kinda took me aback when he said it, but thinking back, he might really be on to something. I had been so obsessed with the technique– the beats, the rhythm and counts, the correct diagonal, the exact right nudge at the precise part of the horse… A mild case of perfectionism, maybe? I see his point, and I actually think it boils down to the absence of mindfulness. I rarely enjoy moments for their own sakes. Everything is some sort of means to an end. I would like to be more mindful.

In that vein, I bought myself a new karaoke system last weekend. I’d been missing karaoke for a long time, and even though I love the KTV house in Cupertino, the place doesn’t allow any alcohol or outside food. I mean, I don’t need booze to have fun, but my friends do (ha!), plus what’s a party without food and drink? Whatever, I did a little bit of research and discovered that a new system is on the scene– made by the creators of Guitar Hero. I found the system in store locally and bought the system the very next day. Yes, I have already clocked in several hours of solo singing. Haha! Slowly but surely, my plan for recalibration WILL work.

Worry Wart

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Since when did I become such a goddamn worry wart? Seriously. Ok fine, don’t answer that, because yes, I know I have always suffered from some bit of neuroses. I am my mother’s daughter after all…

To come clean, these last few weeks have been an ongoing struggle. I suppose when I go into quiet mode, it’s usually fair indication that shit is going down. Ok, maybe that’s sounding a bit too dramatic. But I’ve definitely been feeling very troubled by the world. Now more than ever, I need to follow news as part of my job– you know, being all up on stuff, but shit. Some days the weight almost prevents me from getting out of bed. I know, red flag right? Ugh. I need to give EAP a call. First, it’s just news all over, riddled with violence, manipulation, annoying self-righteous people who inflict harm on others. Then I just can’t seem to get myself into a groove. Work-life balance has totally gone to shit. The other day, I was so thrilled to take my scooter for a spin onto campus. I was meeting someone in the arts and sciences building, and seriously, I arrived all huffing and puffing. For like less than a mile’s distance. Maybe 1 1/2 miles max. I’m not sleeping well, I’m not exercising, I’m not blogging, I’m not doing friend stuff… I’ve seriously fallen off the wagon. And then Martin is having issues again. WTF. Fussy eating again plus nighttime anxiety. PLUS, I am having trouble securing doggie care for the winter break. Fuck me. I have asked SIX people. He’s muddying his nose all the damn time. He hops on and off the bed and cannot seem to get comfortable. Sometimes I think to myself, “When am I going to catch a fucking break?” And then I feel absolutely ridiculous for thinking such a thing… in my secure life of privilege.

Job-wise, I think my boss is happy with me so far, but I worry daily about performing, about accomplishing and achieving to the level I’m used to. Some part of me feels like my cultural illiteracy is a huge detriment to curating content that jives with college kids. I don’t watch much tv, and I’m not a fan of memes. WTF? The other part of me doesn’t even give a fuck about meshing with millennials. Dealing with seasoned, experienced adults seems so much more worthwhile. And I struggle with the larger theme about society’s evolution towards binge info consumption… people are processing and filtering info without even consciously registering much if it. The young brains work in different ways these days. Maybe I’m just feeling old and stubborn and resistant. On top of all this, one of the cool coworkers on my team announced Friday that she is leaving. I’m really happy for her, and maybe none of it is really that surprising. Still, I’m pretty damn bummed.

Of course, all of that said, I am still trying. I’m putting in after hours to try and understand more. And my boss is really supportive.

Well, no choice but to keep it together.

All In

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OMFG, I haven’t written in AGES!! My last post was written at the end of week 1 of my new job, and now I’m on week 4!! Holy shit, coming up on a month there already!

Given my long silence, you’ve probably deduced that I am knee-deep in work. Which reminds me: my friend T, who served as a reference during the interview process, told my current boss, “V really spoiled us with her responsiveness and productivity.It was a rarity for her NOT to reply to our emails after hours or even while she was home sick. If she didn’t reply, we knew she was REALLY sick.” It’s kinda true. H1N1 is no fucking joke. I was out for a long while on that one. In general though, it’s not like I’m trying to be a superstar worker. Ok, kind of. But really, I just don’t like letting things sit. I like to be all caught up, you know? So yeah, for my peeps who have endured this multi-week silence on my blog, it pretty much means I’ve been in full-on job mode.

Here’s the thing though. At my previous jobs, I never really felt uncertain. This job? The boss and my coworkers are great, but I feel an unrelenting pressure. It’s possible some of the pressure is attributed to my long sabbatical, during which my confidence took repeated hits. Plus, I was out of the office environment for a long time.I don’t really know. John thinks it’s because I have daily deadlines with the postings.

Regardless, I felt overwhelmed being at an institution so much larger than my previous workplaces. And then, coming in without any history or affiliation with the university, there are so many moving parts (i.e., schools, centers, programs, and departments). But like I said, my boss is really good. In fact, she immediately came through signing me up for a ton of professional development opportunities, which we had discussed during my interview process. Interestingly, in between signing the offer and starting the job, I actually kicked myself for not getting any of the training budget details in writing. Thankfully, all of that is a moot issue. She even has me scheduled for a conference in Miami come April. Woot, woot!! My other coworkers are also really patient about my newbie status. So the pressure is mostly coming from me. You know, I’m impatient as hell. And I just keep shooting myself with that “second arrow,” worrying myself silly about ramping up and performing.

What is the second arrow? It’s something John and I learned in our mental skills training class at Stanford. Let’s say there’s a problem. I focus on solving the problem. That’s the first arrow– dealing with the immediate issue at hand. The second arrow comes from my mind fucking with me. So in this case, not only am I dealing with a very steep learning curve, but my mind (up until this week) just kept questioning and doubting my abilities. Of course, my counter to this is to work my ass off. I’m one month in, and I rarely leave the office before 6:30p despite getting in around 8a.

At night after I get home from the office, I hop on the computer again, scouring sites and news feeds searching for content and tinkering around with web metrics. The existing post schedule is pretty aggressive: on Facebook and Twitter, two posts a day; Instagram is one a day; then Pinterest and YouTube are secondary. I also manage two student interns, and that’s been a struggle. I’m realizing that student interns differ greatly from adult interns. I’m also trying to get a better feel for the vibe on campus… it’s dramatically different from my own college experience decades ago. So yeah, lots of thinking and learning. But also, a lot of extra baggage from the self-doubt and worry.

Yeah. By now, J is really sick of hearing, “I won’t make it past probation. They won’t want me to stay.” I know, I sound so damn dramatic, and how many times have I read/heard/written about women and their goddamn imposter syndrome, right??? I really should know better. Ugh. J reassures me, by reminding me that in my many years of working, I have zero instances of failing to perform. Fine. Gotta focus on the positive thinking.

Thankfully, I am finally feeling better at the start of week 4. The last two days, I queued up a bunch of posts. Of course, that padding is going to dissolve very quickly since I’m going to Asia for 10 days, and then the office is closed over Thanksgiving. But whatevs. I came up with like 25 new FB posts plus 18 Twitter posts so yay for me! The weird thing about social is that it never stops. It’s almost like retail: you have to push out content and stay open even on the weekends and holidays, because those are the times when people look at social. So yeah, I’m going to have to line up MORE content til December 1. I’m still learning about the audiences on the different channels. Last week, I posted a bunch of duds, meaning the posts didn’t score much traffic. The stats were pretty sad, but the numbers are shooting up this week. Hopefully, that means I’m settling in and finding my “voice.”

So tonight I’m taking a mini-break, stopping the content scrounging a little early to update my blog. After all, I know that my hobbies and activities and friendships are what sustain me and keep me balanced. Bad things happen when those things fall to the wayside. Been there, seen that.

What else. Last weekend, we booked our hotel for Tokyo finally. Yup, cutting it really close. I haven’t even looked at flights to Maryland for Christmas. Ugh. A bargain hunters nightmare.

In other news, Marty is doing better. I mean, he still gets spooked and is strangely picky with his eating, but I’m awaiting results from his urine culture from Sunday to see if the bladder and kidney infections have subsided following two months of antibiotics. He has also started a very irritating habit of spitting out his pills, even when I tuck them into those flavored treats called Pill Pockets. I get so frustrated when he spits out the pills. The ultimate annoyance though is that he never spits them out when John gives him the meds. We do it the same way, using the same treats and approach right before feeding his meal, and what. the. fuck? It’s racial!! Marty is a goddamn racist. After everything I have done for him. Let’s just hope he doesn’t pull this shit with Susan. And certainly when I get back, I’m not putting up with it.

Ok, I’m going to bed early tonight. I’ll try to resume a more regular posting schedule, for my own sanity if nothing else!

Week 1

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Whew, I wrapped up week one at my new job. Overall impressions? Pretty good, I think. It’s still too early to tell, but there’s potential for a trong fit. The pros? Well, for one thing, I scored my very own office. Fuck yeah, first time ever, so that’s kinda cool. I’m rolling with the big dogs now! I actually spent Saturday printing/framing photos for the office. Second good thing? My boss and team mates are super cool. The boss is a really feisty Indian lady: I think we’re gonna get along really well. I’m also digging the college scene. There’s just something about being at an academic institution. I mean, part of me was a little concerned I might have minor PTSD given how much I stressed in undergrad, but thankfully, nah. I’m fine. I’m not a formal student right now anyhow, so it’s all good. Beyond my immediate team, people appear very warm and welcoming. The team treated me to lunch at the fancy staff and faculty lounge on Tuesday, and then someone in another group took me out on Wednesday, and I went out with a third person on Friday. In general, there isn’t much of a lunching culture (people do their own thing), but I’m trying to just meet some people and you know, get the lowdown in whatever way I can. Hee, hee.

Job-wise, I think there’s going to be a lot of latitude to experiment and to try new strategies. I’m trying to ramp up as quickly as possible, because I’m eager to start contributing. For one thing, the university ain’t no small environmental public agency. That is for sure. I mean, coming in, I knew that the university employed more than ten times the staff of my last employer. Still, I guess I didn’t really grasp the breadth of all that goes into a university. It really is a massive ecosystem, from the administration to staff to alums to undergrad programs to grad schools to student life to athletics to facilities to sustainability, etc. The list goes on. Consequently, their social media network is super distributed, because there’s just no way to scale with one or a handful of people running the show. That’s a huge shift for me: in my previous role, I pretty much managed all web and social media– strategy, content, planning, metrics… Here, I oversee those key areas but at a higher level, plus I’ll manage two student interns. Needless to say, there’s a shit ton to learn. Exciting but a little nerve racking too. Thankfully, my boss has us signed up for a higher ed social media conference. She’s on it. Finally, the commute is a very reasonable 20 minutes. If I want, I can opt for the train, which extends the commute to 45 minutes including walking to/from the train station on both sides. Double the travel time but still an alternative for days I don’t feel like driving my hurky jerky hybrid. What else. I get my own iphone. Interestingly, when I asked one of my coworkers whether she would advise keeping two separate phones (personal and work) or consolidating, she recommended that I wait until the 6-month probation was over. Nice. Haha. I mean, she said she didn’t mean that as a bad thing against me… who knows, maybe I’ll decide that the place isn’t the right fit. Haha, kinda odd but ok.

Now for the bad. Well, pretty minor so far. First, I do get the sense there is some mild drama/politics going on. Not that surprising considering every workplace has its issues. Also, the school seems a bit on the frugal/cheap side when it comes to budgets. For example, I requested a PC computer (instead of the existing mac), and the IT department spec-ed out a bottom of the barrel system. I replied, asking for a faster processor and better screen resolution, because this unit is supposed to last me the next 3+ years… I mean, if you get components that are already outdated today, that ain’t gonna go very far, especially at the speed at which tech evolves. Thankfully, my boss is advocating for me… but damn, we’re talking maybe $500-$700 difference for something that is critical to my daily work and is also amortized over the next several years… You KNOW I’m all about the bargains, but shiiit. Come on! As an additional data point, I even asked the IT department at my previous workplace to see what models they’re currently issuing, and they recommend the 7000 series. The uni wanted to give me the 3000 series. Other than that, no big complaints just yet. The new leadership definitely has some SUPER aggressive fundraising goals (that raises eyebrows), and the institution is working on a number of major projects concurrently, so… it’s an exciting time. But also a potentially insane time. We’ll see.

Other than that, I had a pretty exhausting first week. Not so much because I had to get up early (hours are roughly 8a-5p)… I actually like starting the day off early. For me, the trouble has been insomnia again, because Martin is having issues still. We took him back to the vet on Tuesday, and to the doctor’s surprise, he still has a bladder infection. And his kidney levels are still high, though they are lower than before. So turns out, the first round of antibiotics didn’t completely clear the infection. He’s also still having occasional spooking issues and unexplained trembling. So back we go on antibiotics, and now I have to try a few different meds to troubleshoot the trembling to see if it’s caused by 1) anxiety 2) internal pain 3) or if it’s actually tremors, which is neurological.

Yesterday, we learned that John’s sister put down her dog Bodi. He was a 15-y/o black and tan coon hound. Sure, he had a cushy, long life. Still, no matter how expected and inevitable death is, the loss of a dear, old friend is extremely sad and traumatic. Bodi, Jake, Remy, and Martin were like cousins– all of the same generation. When we adopted our furbabies, John, his sis, and I were just starting off as young professionals. We were all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Now we’re all old and crusty and jaded. Haha. But man, our dogs really grew up alongside us. I keep thinking to myself: Why do I still cry when I think of Remy? Goddamn, heartbreak sure is a beotch. RIP Bodi. Thanks for all the love and cuddles. Now go find your old friend Remy.

bodi

Ms. Know-it-all

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On Monday, I completed my run at ProMatch. I’m still in shock that it was only three months ago when I had joined. Geez, I was so cocky too when I started. I specifically remember thinking to myself: I’ve read a lot of articles and done a lot of informational interviews. I already know most of what I need to know. But whatever, maybe I’ll pick up a thing or two. Boy was I wrong, because holy crap, I learned a shit. ton. And that is not an exaggeration.

I know, I complained a lot about ProMatch being rather inefficient (and a huge time sink). What can I say: I’m an anxious person. I always feel some baseline level of urgency in my life. I was impatient about getting a job. Still, somehow all along the way, the people there really started to grow on me. Yup, I got sucked in. Shrug. So at the business meeting, I delivered my Success Story– a three-minute tale about where I’d landed and how I had scored the job. In my typical M.O., I spent some time prepping my talk. In the end, I couldn’t trim it down to the three minutes, but whatevs. I tried to impart some wisdom and encouragement about this trying and challenging shared experience called job search.

John was certain I was going to lose my shit up there at the podium, but thankfully, I kept it together. Maybe the voice quivered a tad at the end when I talked about all those negative emotions that arise as part of the process: self doubt, frustration, disappointment, inadequacy… my point in mentioning all that drama was simply to keep shit real. Hell, this was no walk in the park, and just because I’d signed a job offer last week doesn’t mean all the issues and uncertainty go out the window. Job search or beyond, I’m going to be inconvenienced by these pesky emotions over and over again. The thing is though, I refuse to let fear paralyze me. Even if I feel doubtful, I will continue doing what I gotta do. The human spirit is incredibly resilient, and thankfully (and remarkably), I have discovered strength even in the deepest depths of my despair. Credit to my friends and myself. Haha.

What else. Man, screw this social anxiety bullshit. Any chance possible, prey and practice on innocent bystanders. Seriously. Orientations, meetups, conferences. I don’t frickin’ care. I just started randomly chatting people up, and heck, before I knew it, my palms really stopped sweating, and my face really stopped turning beet red. Shit man, desensitization works!

Anyhow, I shared a few other pieces of advice while I had my few seconds of glory. Maybe my parents are right after all: sometimes I do enjoy being a little Ms. Know-it-all. Ha!

Let’s Do This!

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So on Tuesday, I was back on campus for another interview– this time with the VP of University Relations. Yup, uber big dog. I had prepped all this shit beforehand: reviewed the strategic plan, got the 411 on his career, reviewed the uni’s budget, values, mission, fundraising breakdown, etc. We met for ten minutes. He just had me tell him about myself and answer a few other questions. Done. Afterwards, I felt good but you just never know. Sigh. Come what may.

When I got home, I resumed reading up on all the news stories surrounding the controversy. Late Tuesday night, I found a new article dated that day that said the state of California was requiring coverage. Whew! California saves the day!! It’s kinda funny, because the whole practice of getting up to speed on the issue really took me back to my Feminist Majority Foundation days when I was writing their news stories and action alerts. You gotta do your research. I was in the zone, man. It was an intense several hours.

Then, this morning, I got the call. Yippee, I scored a verbal offer. But I had also prepared an outline to broach the issue. Yeah, I know all the experts say job search is like dating: leave out all controversial issues and topics. Well, in typical VG style, I was compelled to bring it up. It was stressful, hard, and risky. But I put my shit on the table, man. That’s how I am. She was pretty taken aback, and the tone definitely changed. But she shared her perspective and practice as a communications professional. In the end, she said it was my call. Given that the law currently holds strong, the uni population is super diverse and progressive, people generally love working there, and none of these topics will be on social media, I’m good moving forward. What?? Yeah, did you hear that right? I freaking got a job offer. And I accepted it. All verbal, of course. That said, at the end of the talk, she didn’t sound entirely convinced. I mean yeah, social media stuff is all fun and fluffy. Here, I just dampened the mood talking about politics. I went over a few of the other benefits. No wiggle room at all regarding negotiations. Then, I reiterated that I wanted to proceed. She agreed to contact HR for the next steps.

The rest of the morning, I felt a little uneasy. I think mostly I was coming down from all the stress of preparing and leading a risky conversation. Plus, even beyond the job hunt, I’ve had a lot on my mind lately (Martin is still not eating enough…). In the end, I talked out the job offer with some friends, a career adviser or two, another random person, and I started to settle down. I reached out to the director again in the afternoon, reaffirming my interest and also thanking her for giving me the space to speak my mind. After all, this is what communications is about, right? I gotta exercise my judgement and handle it.

John worked really late and came home around 9p. I was just getting off a conference call for my mastermind class about Leadership and Influence (John Maxwell book). I was just so exhausted from everything. But John said the sweetest thing to me. He said he was really proud of me and of all that I had done. He said earlier in the day while he was at work, he thought about all the people we know: who among them would have done all the things I did to get here? Who would have gotten up after facing disappointment so many damn times to step outside the comfort zone again and again? Honestly, I think my friends COULD do this: people never know their full capacity. But I was really touched by his acknowledgement. I think back to those days not so long ago, when J and I almost called it quits. We had fallen out of sync and stopped understanding each other. And now, through a little bit of good fortune and a lot of perseverance, there truly is NO ONE who knows me better. He really grasped the severity of this dilemma for me. Some people reacted with some exasperation, suggesting I was being too picky or too perfectionist with my conditions. Others thought maybe it was just a simple “no” and move on kind of decision. John never questioned why it troubled me or why this was important to me. His acceptance helped me to accept myself.

And in the end, as I worked through the conundrum, I ultimately arrived at an answer that aligns with me and my values. I feel good. Bubbey tells me now to embrace the choice and move forward with happiness and joy, in celebration of this major victory. My Bubbey. I am so very lucky to have found him– in a world of 7 billion people.

It’s Complicated

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Oh, the irony! Of course, the day before I received this latest notice that I had advanced in the recruitment, I was on campus having an info interview with someone who works in one of the graduate schools. I was getting a better sense for the environment, the resources, the vibe, etc. Then, I asked this final question: “I see that that a new president and administration came in a few years ago. Have you noticed any big shifts in leadership and priorities?” Apparently, there was a HUGE controversy on campus a year or two back where the president directed that a change in the uni’s health care coverage: elective abortion would no longer be covered, because it is “incompatible with the Catholic identity.” OMFG. Internally, I was fur-reaking out.

I knew the Catholic history, and before I applied, I had read their mission statement. My values align with the principles of a holistic education, compassion, community, integrity, academic excellence, etc. And despite the Catholic framework, I had read very specific statements claiming that all religions and denominations were accepted: they embrace diversity, inclusion, all faiths, blah, blah, blah. I asked the lady a few more questions, because as part of my own due diligence, nothing had come up on my radar, and I had scrolled back in the uni’s press releases with recent news and social media postings. Turns out, the issue first arose in October 2013, and on their website, coverage was minimal.

I could NOT believe this. WTF. I tried to remain calm: I thanked the lady and then hurried home to research this further. Holy shit. There was huge campus backlash and protests when this decision came out. One professor even resigned over the issue, saying there was no dialog about the policy change, and it doesn’t align with the uni’s pluralist values. The changes were originally scheduled to take effect January 2014, then they got pushed back to January 2015 to take into account changes from Obamacare, regs, and the like.

So fine, many could argue: Duh, the uni is Catholic. Catholicism is anti-birth control, anti-abortion, anti-gay, etc. It’s not that surprising. On the other hand, this is California. Abortion is classified under basic health care. And interestingly, there are a host of other Catholic universities in California who do NOT have this exclusion in their health care coverage. In fact, right now there are ONLY TWO higher ed places that have moved in this direction. Plus, if the administration is going to pull the “align with the Catholic identity” line, then why will the plans continue to offer birth control and sterilization? And will gays be banned from campus? Aren’t they committing “moral sins”? Will the institution only hire and admit staff and students who are Catholic? And who’s definition of Catholic? I have met so many Catholics who are pro-choice, pro-gay, pro-contraception, pro-divorce (well, you know what I mean…). Society is changing, folks. The rules need to evolve to accommodate what we learn.

Anyway, the good news is that the policy has not yet gone into effect. Also, due to the controversy, Jerry Brown’s office is going back and reviewing whether insurance companies in the state can even offer plans with this exclusion, so it’s possible the change will be legally blocked. I’m also comforted by the fact that the general sentiment on campus is opposed to this.

Abortion rights is a huge deal. I feel so strongly that women must have ultimate say over their bodies. The ability (and right) to control this equates to the ability to shape their lives and select their opportunities. And access to birth control is just as critical as access to abortions. Women need to have know about family planning: it’s all tied together, because better health education and access to birth control reduce the number of abortions. Women who can control the size of their families can better manage and support the brood.

If the university accepts all faiths, then it shouldn’t impose its ideals on people who have never claimed to share their belief in this area. Needless to say, I have been reminded again about this ongoing war against women. More than a decade after I worked for the Feminist Majority Foundation, we are still fighting for the same rights. Argh!

Slacker

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Speaking of my job hunt, the university brought me in for an onsite interview on Thursday. The format was a one-hour panel interview with four peeps on the communications team followed by a one-on-one meeting with the SVP of Marketing and Communications. For some reason, I was really stressed about the whole ordeal.

And of course the night before, rather than being able to prepare in my usual OCD manner, I was at the vet with Marty who was confirmed to have a bladder infection and kidney infection. The visit was awful. He cried and yelped from the jabbing and poking. More on that later.

In the end, I felt the panel discussion went pretty well. The one-on-one afterwards? Less so. Maybe I’d lost steam. I didn’t feel like I sold myself enough with examples of my big accomplishments. During part of the conversation, I talked about work-life balance (my insiders said that the university culture isn’t cut throat like Stanford and Berkeley… so don’t come across like a workaholic), and he started asking me specifics about what work-life balance means to me. I said having time OUTSIDE work to cultivate relationships, do activities, events, recreation… stay healthy. He said the position is demanding because the new administration has really ambitious goals. Sure…

To be honest, it was really odd, because I felt like he was suggesting I was a slacker!! Was this because I said I had left the fuel cell startup due to the chaotic environment and grueling schedule, getting emails and calls from the CEO at all hours of the night? I probably should have just said, it wasn’t the right fit. Still. I have NEVER had anyone suggest laziness on my part EVER. And then he asked about my time commitment… I dunno, the line of questioning was just strange. I said that I understood the job to be full time, so obviously, I plan on working the hours and relegating my extracurricular activities to evenings, weekends, and days off. Then he asked something like, do you have certain constraints with your hours. It was almost as if he was poking around trying to get answers to questions he’s not legally allowed to ask?? But I wasn’t really sure. Was he wanting to ask about kids? elder care responsibilties? What??? I was confused, but hell, I wasn’t going to offer anything additional that I didn’t have to. I just said, “No, not that I’m aware of…”

Needless to say, that was a really confusing experience, and I’m not sure how much weight he’ll carry on the recruitment. The team is meeting a few other candidates next week, and then hopefully I’ll know.

After I got home, I was so offended that he seemed to question my work ethic. At the same time though, if I value work-life balance, what’s it to you? Want to downgrade me because I refuse to be EXPLOITED? Because I give a shit about my mental and physical health? Because I care about my work environment and maintaining activities that nourish my soul? Hmm, maybe we need to rethink the fit here. My work speaks for itself. Hmph!