Category Archives: Friends

Seeking and Accepting Help

Among my many flaws, I am not good with old people. I’m sure none of you are surprised by this confession, given my long history of being an impatient beotch ass. This past year though, between my maternal grandparents, my in-laws, my own parents, and my aging Marty, I realize that I really am awful at taking care of fragile people and animals.

I mean, it’s a known fact that my parents are neurotic and paranoid, that my father is an efficiency/accomplishment-obsessed control freak and my mother is a slow and illogical fearful person paralyzed by catastrophic thinking. Still, despite my knowledge of all this and our lifelong history together, every interaction with my parents remains a major struggle and test of my patience. My parents just always feel so damn preachy and naggy and micro-managey! Sadly, rather than our connection easing over time, the opposite seems to be happening. And now that my dad sighs and moans and groans all the fucking time, I grow even more frustrated. Was he this unhappy before? If so, he certainly had work to distract him for his misery. Now he stays somewhat busy, but he has more free time than before to wallow in self pity. Then my mother, being in a new place (Kaohsiung), could have used this opportunity to learn new things and become more empowered. But no. It makes me uncomfortable to see how much she relies on others for help.

My bud K recently offered to drive Bubs and me to the airport. I mean, a tremendously thoughtful gesture, but we live 20 minutes from her, and our house is another 40 minutes to SFO. Doing the math, we’re talking a min of one hour each way, not to mention an early morning drive (leaving the house before 7) AND awful rush hour traffic on her way back south. To me, this is a huge inconvenience that’s easily avoided by grabbing a cab or self-parking. But maybe in big/close families, inconveniences just don’t deter you from seeking, offering, or receiving help?? In the past, I always felt like my family in Taiwan was way too involved, too intwined with each other’s lives. For example, before my parents got a place in Taipei, whenever they’d travel to the capital, they would stay with my cousin and her family in her small 2 BR house. In my mind, why not just get a damn hotel room so people aren’t squished? But no, my cousin insisted on having my parents stay with them for like weeks; Similarly, my parents preferred that level of accommodation. I always thought it was rather inappropriate and disruptive. And definitely, whenever they’d visit us in California, they would NEVER ever consider renting a car/taking a cab or staying at a hotel (no matter how small our space). I dunno: maybe it’s a cultural difference with respect to personal space? I find their self-imposed (artificial) lack of choice strange.

So, what happens now is my aunts in Taiwan buy meats and produce from the farmers’ markets and deliver them to my mother. They have been doing this for months, and they live at least 30 min away. I mean, maybe I’m just being a Bay Area yuppie, but shit, isn’t there a grocery buying/delivery service for this? I dunno. Just seems excessive and personally, I would like to see my mother leave the house (I think my grandparents can be alone unchaperoned for a few hours) and run her own damn errands. Partly, all this help only reduces her own capability bc it enables her to be overly reliant. Anyway. Clearly, I have issues about “help.”

Another example? Poor Marty. He is slowing down considerably. The appetite is definitely getting less consistent, and his sundown syndrome comes on super strong at night. I often awake from him scratching his bed obsessively, or I’ll notice him just standing there in the dark, zoned out, with his back end sloping severely (kidney discomfort?). Last year, finding him doggie care over the holidays was a mad scramble. Finally, I got our neighbor’s pet sitter to do it, but in the end, I think she lied to me and didn’t really sleep over. This year, due to the elevated level of care Martin requires (doggie door access, meds, subq fluids, homemade food, etc.), I tried Rover. I must have asked 7 people, including my students who in turn, asked their friends. Nothing. Fucking A. Argh!! Finally, I asked J&J. Even though we’re super close friends with them, I was so reluctant to ask, bc they have the kid and both are working and then they have Helix… It just seemed like too much to pile onto a sleep-deprived family. But John argued that they are super observant, have a doggie door, are familiar with geriatric dogs, and Jess has medical training… Plus, with the kid, they spend more time hanging out at home now. Thankfully, they agreed, and they keep saying it’s no big deal. We’re so relieved, but I’m also wondering now if maybe I need to ask for and accept help from friends more often.

Eternal Misfit

I was thinking the other day about how my whole life can be summed up in one term: misfit. I mean, how many times do I use “my parents are immigrants” as a way to explain my eccentricities? If you think about it though, being American-born Chinese really has put me in this odd space. For example, growing up in Frederick, there were less than 10 Asians in my high school (close to 1000 students?). I was always harassed for being Asian, small, and scrawny. People made fun of my parents. People bullied me. Then whenever I went back to Taiwan as a child, I never fit in there either: my skin was too tanned; I was too big-boned compared to my cousins; I didn’t speak the Taiwanese dialect; my Mandarin was too basic or whatever; I was too unruly and defiant. When I went to Duke, there were more Asians but I was the underachieving one with my mediocre grades. In Shanghai, my “yellow face” prevented me from getting teaching jobs despite my training and experience. My relatives there described my Mandarin as elementary or awkward. When they heard me speak English, they insisted that my American accent wasn’t the same as John’s. Meanwhile J would say a few words in Mandarin and suddenly, he was super advanced. 

Now, in Silicon Valley, I’m either the “soft” engineer (civil) with the social skills at a tech startup, or I’m the comm person with the engineer’s social awkwardness at the non-tech workplace. Everywhere I turn, there is some part of me that isn’t quite right. I think of my friend J who grew up moving to a different state every two years. She has incredible awareness and social/emotional intelligence. She credits her ability to read people and adapt quickly to this upbringing. I suppose I can credit my resiliency to my history of being an eternal misfit. On good days, I think I’m pretty adaptable: I have a high tolerance for discomfort, and I’m not afraid to push myself despite the natural fears of rejection or exclusion. But on my bad days, I feel tired. Tired of trying. Tired of pushing. Tired of not having the ease of being immediately accepted and welcomed. In these moments of self pity, I remind myself that these struggles are minor compared to “real” troubles people without privilege face. I try not to complain. So instead, I have days and maybe weeks where I feel overwhelmed by the constancy of being a lifelong misfit. I wonder what is wrong with me. Why are certain conditions so absolutely unbearable for me while for others, it’s simply no big deal.

Yesterday morning, I received an email from my Duke roommate. She is a successful, high ranking OB/GYN in the military. In the last two years, she met the love of her life, got married, bought a house, got a dog, had a kid… anyway, she was in town for a friend’s wedding and wanted to know if I was free for lunch. It had been a long time since we’d hung out one-on-one, and I was kind of looking forward to catching up. As we hit all the key topics, she asked about my job and I admitted that I hated it. She agreed that she thought social media was a weird fit for me, and then she made this comment like, “What job number is this for you?” I shrugged my shoulders and replied, “Everyone’s got a puzzle they’re trying to solve. Not everything lines up at the same time.” We went onto other topics and then her friend joined us. Then it was all about child-rearing and that person’s soap opera drama (seriously, she was dating her best friend’s soon-to-be-ex). On my drive home, I just kept replaying my friend’s comment. I get so disappointed when people say the most insensitive things. I’m a sarcastic person, so sure, I get that not everything is so goddamn literal, but fuck man, words also matter.

I mean, she was unlucky at love for almost 20 years: failed relationship after failed relationship. Did I EVER say to her, “what relationship number is this now?” When I was at Duke, I had nervous breakdowns bc of my grades. To make matters worse, I had my parents calling every damn week harassing me about my test scores, giving me advice on how to study harder or better… The transition from high school valedictorian with all my awards and extra-curriculars and Chinese school accomplishments to sub-par undergrad was a difficult period for me– a paralyzing culmination of expectation, pressure, privilege, and disappointment. I remember once when I didn’t agree with her strategy for taking classes just for the “easy A” as she described it, she said, “well, unlike you, I’m not trying to get the lowest GPA possible.” It’s weird bc I’ve always had so much loyalty for that friendship, and now reflecting on the last few encounters, I really don’t know why. To be honest, things have never really been the same since graduation, and maybe that’s my own damn naive fault. Through the years, she was awful at keeping in touch. I wasn’t even sure about going to her wedding in September 2014. Ultimately, I was glad I went bc I really wanted to celebrate her milestones, but maybe now I can just let things go. After my visit with her, I drove home, stepped in the door, and just started to cry.

J keeps saying that 2015 has been a shitty year for me. Aside from the work dissatisfaction, he always points to the shifts in my friendships as playing a key factor: the openspace people moving away, changing jobs, or retiring, G& J being in Seattle, J&J having a kid… I always rejected his theory. Then, over Thanksgiving, I felt like I couldn’t really have a conversation with J&J without them being distracted by the baby. And we’ve certainly seen less of them now that weekends get filled with playdates and kiddie camping trips. I don’t begrude them of cute lil’ H, but for some reason, I had an epiphany. 

A long time ago, I read an interesting essay about friendships: the article likened them to catalysts and enzymatic reactions. You need proximity, attraction (through common interests), and frequency. In the past, when I had lost touch with S from grad school, I chalked it up to just us not having things in common anymore, bc she was a housewife living in the South. She had had two kids and that life was exhausting, and we had fewer and fewer things in common. Maybe that’s what’s happening now. Slowly and esp bc the kids are in their needy years. I dunno.

J has suggested that we focus on getting more child-free friends AND maybe we need to move to the city where there is a higher concentration of like-minded people and things to do. The thing is, I rather like my Houseboat. But I also agree, life in suburbia is rather boring and everything is really centered around kids. This makes me think about my single friends. God, it must be so frustrating for them to hang around homebody couples!

Sigh, these are the things that keep me up late. Turns out, I don’t just need a job overhaul, I need to overhaul so many other areas: family, location, friends…  Now I’m suddenly tired and ready for bed!

Holidays: First Pass

We had a pretty small gathering this year for Thanksgiving. Partly, I was scrambling around very last minute following a restless week prior in Taiwan. My god that visit was trying. Honestly, I don’t know why after all these years, I’m still so surprised by how frustrating my family is. ANYway, I guess I’m mostly recovered now, at least I’m back on the Pacific time zone. Truthfully, I was pretty annoyed by how little empathy I got from Bubbey while I was dealing with my daily family drama. Given he was exhausted back at home hustling with the new job and long commute and Marty’s health situation, but basically every time I talked to him, he just said I needed to learn to control my response to my mother. Never mind that she was annoying as fuck and def stepped over the line with her accusations, but fine. Chock it up to mental illness or whatever. After I returned, she called and thanked me for all the stuff I did. Yes, I’m still irritated that she makes helping her so goddamn frustrating, but in the end, I guess I’m supposed to just forget and forgive.

The good news is that I made my turkey in the NuWave oven, and it came out great in less than four hours. Except that the only size turkey they had left at the store was an 18 pounder, and our three other guests were vegetarian. Meanwhile, Marty’s appetite is fluctuating daily like the wind. He doesn’t like chicken anymore, so we cooked up pork. That lasted for a day or two, and then he puked that up. Now, he seems to be eating the turkey off and on, coupled with getting the sub q fluids every few days. Yes, we’re back on that wagon again. I try to be all easy going and laid back about it: he’s probably 16 y/o now, so I no longer have the wool pulled over my eyes, but it’s still a stressor. We know the drill, and these are the few factors we’re willing to adjust until the end, but I can’t help but feel some kind of impending doom. Yup, clearly, New Attitude November was a burning success!! Haha. One more day, and then it’s December Doom. Shrug.

Overall, Thanksgiving was good: J&J came over with the baby and then S joined later on. I have to say, things are different now that my close friends are parents. You can’t have real, in depth conversations anymore, bc they’re always distracted. I mean, that’s the thing about kids. They really are nonstop- there isn’t a moments’ rest. I don’t know how these people do it. As for S, she appears to be doing well. I guess it’s hard to ever really know. These days, more than ever, I feel like everyone is living behind a veil. We’re just too damn busy to peer into the troubles of others. Maybe I’m projecting. Regardless, work keeps her immensely busy, and Thanksgiving weekend is always one of her busiest times of the year, working in retail and all. She had work calls every four hours for status updates on the web traffic and mobile app. Yeah, maybe my job isn’t so bad. Sigh. (Throwing up my hands).

The next day, K invited us over to her family’s annual day-after dinner party. Man, the Brady Bunch for realz. Serious party hosts: they had two super long tables plus table trays set up for every spot on the living room couch. I mean, there were a LOT of people: maybe 40? J and I had a good time: mostly we chatted with K and D. I brought a box of pineapple cakes from Taiwan, which her father promptly set out on the dessert table. Funny thing: who were the first people to eat up the cakes? None other than K’s brother-in-law and his fam– who are Chinese (maybe Taiwanese)!?! I mean, precisely the people who are already familiar with pineapple cakes. SMH. In the end, K’s parents didn’t even get to try them! My people, man. It still just blows my mind that K has dinner with her fam every single week. I have to say, it is so weird for me to observe joyous and interactive families. My family is so much the opposite. Sigh. It is what it is.

Hanging with my Homie

After my time in NYC, I rode the MegaBus (first time ever) up to Boston. I mean, sure the reviews on Yelp are super hit or miss. The thing is, the trip was $13 (vs. about $100 on Amtrak), so you know cheapie cheaps had to try. Well fuck. I even paid the extra $3 for an upgrade to a seat at a table and shit, it was still crammed as hell. I would say, even more crammed than an airplane seat. Then, because I hustled out of the last conference session and walked several blocks to the bus station, I neglected to buy some water. Needless to say, a few minutes in to the ride, I started feeling super nauseous, you know, with the pre-puke juices flooding in my mouth. It was bad fucking news, man. Thankfully, I was able to conk out and forget that my body was dehydrated. It was also a bit uncomfortable being in such close quarters with strangers. I mean, the lady next to me kept showing pics of her two sons on her phone. I was just trying to not puke, you know?

Once I got to Boston though, things were all good. It was just so nice to reconnect with my college bud J. We met in 1995 (pre-Bubbey), and there is just something so comforting about really old friendships. I mean, those bonds form during such a transformative time… there just really is something to be said for proximity, vulnerability, and shared experiences. We had a really great time. I mean, we’re both miserable in our jobs so that doesn’t help, but talking to J was a good reminder for me: we are so much more than our jobs. I mean, I get so obsessed about figuring out my work life and career that I forgot about who I am beyond that. And certainly, shame on me for letting myself go, for letting myself get so burned out that I don’t even have hobbies and interests anymore. Shame on me.

That said, workaholism is real. The first day, J didn’t take off of work (surprise, surprise). Hubby J was so stunned. Me? Not so much. I spent the day exploring Boston on my own, clocking 20k steps. It was actually really nice to walk around and not have to talk to anyone all day. Hmm, does that mean I am an introvert then? The quiet was fucking nice. Boston is so pretty this time of year with the changing fall colors, and fortunately, the temps were unseasonably warm so I really scored the best of everything! Saturday was Halloween. J introduced me to a “friend” of his. She reminded me a lot of my former coworkers: uber treehuggery and shit. But she did wetlands protection work, and it kinda made me think about going back into environmental engineering. Anyway, I was really impressed by her: she’s a few years older, single, but goddamn, living life to the fullest, being super active and energetic. She was telling me how obsessed she is with Travelzoo and Groupon. In fact, she had just booked a trip to Africa in two weeks. She was like, I’m not married; I don’t have kids; I have tons of vacation, and I have lots of single friends who love to travel. Wow. Who does that? Seriously, who buys and then goes in TWO WEEKS? So Halloween night, we went on a guided tour through downtown Boston, with lots of historical tales of scandal and such. We went through the uber posh neighborhood of Beacon Hill (walked past John Kerry’s house) where they actually do a cool family friendly neighborhood street party. I mean, I’m anti-kid but shit, I will choose strollers and cute kiddie costumes over NYC Halloween raunch any day. I saw a very old white-faced beagle in a hot dog costume. So damn cute.

On Sunday, I slept in and then we headed across the bridge to Seaport (or Seaside). The day was dreary and cloudy– unusual for my trip but typical for Boston–but we had a delicious lobster roll. I love me some lobster rolls. We chilled, chatted in the car, and then off to the airport. I gotta say, that $100 for Global Entry (with TSA Pre included) for multiple years is so money. No removing the laptop or toiletries or boots or anything. Through security in no time.

Of course, the flight home hit all kinds of snags. A no nonsense direct flight from BOS – SJC ended up taking off late, taking a detour to Salt Lake City for refueling, and arriving three hours late on a super bumpy ride. Still, the respite was a welcome one. Now J and I have bets on who’s leaving the job sooner. I’m pretty damn sure I’m winning that one.

Clearing the Clutter

I’m finally trying to tackle all the clutter– both mental clutter and physical clutter. Thanks to the recent renewed vigor for my Bubbey bucks program, unused items are finally making their way off our tiny Houseboat. That said, the process has still been slow as fuck, bc well, the environmental engineering side of me just gets too damn involved. I know, it’s my own fucking fault that decluttering is ridiculously cumbersome and tedious.

For example, a while back, our first pressure cooker (7 yrs old) busted with the plastic regulator cracking to bits. Rather than just chucking that thing into the dumpster, I tried desperately to find a replacement part so that I could salvage the appliance. In the end, after a couple hours of online research plus a failed purchase on Amazon, I realized that my only real option was to buy a new one. Fine, the new pressure cooker arrived and immediately, I put it to work cooking Marty’s food. Still though, I kept the old unit thinking maybe I just needed to spend some more time or talk to the right people (my engineering friends who order machine parts all the time) to make the old one functional again. Next thing I know, weeks fly by with the damn thing sitting in the garage. Eventually, I talked to my EE/manufacturing bud, and he said the same thing happened to his family. The only solution was to trash the old one and buy a new one. Ugh, fine. So then, I decided I would recycle the old one. It sat around the garage some more as I gathered my e-waste. By the time I organized a batch for Green Citizen, I learned that the shop now charges by the pound to recycle e-waste! WTF?!? $7 to recycle that ONE heavy-ass thing! Ugh. Yes, I could have just set it out with my household garbage, but then it wouldn’t get recycled. Fine, take the damn $7. Not a huge sum, but certainly, if I have a lot of electronics, it adds up. I’ve been brainstorming alternatives ever since.

Thankfully, I discovered that my school has a pretty robust recycling program for e-waste and other off-beat items like plastic wrap, candy wrappers, makeup containers, and old shoes. Good to know. Of course, having this stream doesn’t reduce the collecting of junk, but since I go to work M-F, I guess I don’t have to let the stuff sit on the Housebat: I can just take what I have everyday! Don’t ask me what all is in my car’s trunk right now.

This past weekend, we resumed our garage makeover. Last summer, J and I had cleaned out the garage somewhat and J demoed the paneling and shelving inside. This past weekend, we got an electrician/contractor to re-wire the place and next we’re planning to have someone insulate and drywall. At the start of all this, we had expected the process to take just a few weeks. Sadly, shit happened: J got tore his calf muscle, he traveled home with S, and then he started a new job in SF. And to come clean, bc of my issues, I was really of very little help. I helped go through the garage junk a bit (via recycling and freecycle), but I didn’t do squat with the demo or electrical permitting process. The good news is, the two electricians worked all day yesterday, and the garage is totally emptied out (who knew a single-car garage had so much damn space!). With the initial wiring done, this week we’re hoping to have the city inspector come and then afterwards, on to insulating and dry walling! J had started researching some storage cabinets, counters, and lighting options, but this weekend we decided to call in an organizer. Yup, we’re at the point now where it’s more important to get shit done than to do everything completely dirt cheap and DIY. And for once, I’m working my network to find recommended peeps. Although the services are more expensive than DIY, they’re still way cheaper than the regular market. Electrician, drywaller, and organizer. We’ll see how it all pans out. We just don’t have the energy or time anymore to drag through everything. I suspect this change in mindset comes with nearing 40. I need to simplify my life, for reals.

What else. Last weekend, I worked a shit ton of hours for the university’s alumni reunion weekend. Ugh, the amount of cheerleading and chipper content that is required!! I kept reminding myself, “I am not my audience,” but still, this school spirit bullshit is insufferable. And of course, the added irony is that I was so glad to leave the event planning/organizing duties of my last job with its annual volunteer events and staff events and public celebrations. Fuck man. As life would have it, now every big event at the uni spans multiple days and is several times larger. Wtf did I do?? In the very least, this year’s reunion event is behind me now. Next up? The new AVP is sending me to NYC later this month for a 2-day conference on content marketing. My boss was so excited for me: she acted like I was getting sent on a vacation or something. Uh, last I checked, every time I’m off attending a conference (be it for work or for myself), I get inundated with email assignments and requests throughout the day. In other words, going to a conference doesn’t replace the tasks at the office; instead, attending just gets stacked on top of all usual day-to-day crap, so sorry, I’m not floating on air about it. Whatever though. The conference itself is rather short, and afterwards, I’m riding Megabus up to Boston to spend a few days with my college bud J. I am in need of a serious vacation. My bud K raised her eyebrows on learning that I was staying with J at his apartment (uh, do you seriously expect me to pay out of pocket for a Boston hotel?), but like I’ve explained: our friendship is purely platonic, and it’s all good. Frankly, this behavior is nothing new. He stayed in my hotel room when I was attending a conference in Miami. Been there, done that. Gotta trust, lady.

Recalibrating

So Bubbey and S returned last Tuesday from their visit with the parentals, and without skipping a beat, both were back to work on Thursday. Back to the grind. J started his new gig at a startup run by a former colleague of his. The commute to SF is LONG. He’s still trying got figure out the train schedule, but yeah no wifi and shoddy cell signal is a pain in the ass. The good news is that he’s been able to score a seat for the 45-55 min journey and also squeeze in those daily Fitbit steps walking to/from the station. He also happens to be on a crazy early shift, waking up around 6 to drink his coffee, walk/feed the dog, and then catch the 7:30 train. I’m enjoying having him back, not only for the companionship but also bc now I can return to sleeping in while he handles doggie duty and kitchen chores. Meanwhile, Marty has been doing amazeballs. Even the neighbors have commented about his rejuvenation and extra spunk. He bounced back to a level way better than we ever expected! Hurray for Marty Man!

On Saturday K and her beau D came over with their little man JC (doggie). I’m not gonna lie: usually when we cook for others, we do our go-to dishes: BBQ, burgers, steak salad, pork chops, duck… But my bud K (bless her heart, as the Jezzies would say) doesn’t eat beef or pork or a variety of other foods. I know she’s always courteous (ahem, thanks to charm school) and flexible as a guest, but still, I didn’t want to make a misstep on dinner. In the end, I tried a NuWave pecan-crusted chicken tenders recipe. The verdict? Eh, so so. All right for a first time, but not our usual “out of the park” hit. She and D were totally gracious and I think among all of us, it was mostly consumed. But, you know Bubbey: he’s got the highest standards out of everybody. He made a face and shrugged. Not enough seasoning. Sigh. Note for next time.

Beyond chowing down, we had a great time. K and I are like sisters, chatting up a storm, talking about our various beefs with the Jezzies as well as my parenting phobia (I now call J&J’s baby boy my “rejected godchild”). Hey man, I think my next website will have to be “Child Free or Die.” Get it? Like the New Hampshire license plate tagline: “Live Free or Die”? Afterwards, K insisted on doing the dishes. Homegirl is super sweet, but shit, she was running my water like a drought newb, AND she used my sink cleaning brush to scrub the dishes. Hahaha. I didn’t say anything at the time bc well, I think it would have grossed her out. I don’t really mind: after all, I have a different standard for cleanliness. Plus, I’m a very strong organism. It was nice to have stuff loaded into the dishwasher, I gotta say. Little JC was super cute!! Usually, I’m not a big fan of the mini dogs, but he’s very well-behaved and not barky at all. He and Marty tolerated each other, which means that Marty conked out the whole time they were over. You know how the oldies roll.

On Sunday, we had plans to see J&J in San Leandro. But baby was sick for like the fifth week in a row and J was coming down with something too. I swear to god, how do parents do this?? No sleep, perpetual sickness, and then still the demands at work!! I ended up sleeping most of the day. The day prior had been a great day filled with friends and laughter, but somehow Sunday was quickly overtaken with the dread of heading back to my shit job on Monday. Oh well, if anything, my body soaked up that extra sleep. People say your sleep deficit can never fully be made up, but whatever. It felt good. I am starting back up listening to Meditation Oasis. Usually, I’m not even paying attention to the words anymore, but something about listening to Mary Maddux’s voice calms me. I’m hoping all of these things are indicative of some kind of re calibration. I need to get back to normalcy.

Being Useful

As an ESTJ, one of my top values is usefulness. That applies to things and to people. While J and S were back East visiting with the parentals, I tried to get myself back on track (with my life). I cleaned and went through my stockpile of old elecronics. Originally, the plan was to just trade in the items via some device buyback program, but then I reviewed the numbers and holy crap: selling on Ebay yielded significantly more money. So yes, I found myself jumping thorough all the pain-in-the-ass hoops, taking various pictures and figuring out shipping and cleaning shit up to be as pristine as possible. I like earning those Bubbey bucks, but fuck man, Ebay is not a very streamlined process. After selling three devices, I might need a break. Haha. I mean, I’m thrilled to find new homes for my old things, but dealing with shipping is a royal pain. When the hell did postage rates get so damn pricey??

My friend J recently retired and bought herself a new laptop and printer. She’s an older lady, about the age of my father, and she spent hours with Geek Squad setting up the new printer. They got it working, and then weeks later, the printer started giving her an offline error. She was all ready to go through the Geek Squad fiasco all over again until I offered to help her. I have done a lot of IT/tech support in my day. Back when I worked for the feminist org, I was always canabalizing our old computers so we could stretch that shitty hardware just a little bit farther. Then with my dad… well, you know the drill there. So I went over to her house thinking I would just crank out the solution in a matter of minutes. Well, I got stumped, and two hours later, I was still trying to get that shit sorted. Finally, I got it working. Basically, I kept trying to connect the printer to her old wifi network. Once I realized she was actually using a new network, we got her back in business. She was so cute though: so thrilled to have the tech help. I always thought her son-in-law who lives in Los Altos was a tech guy. Why hadn’t he helped her with this? That made me sad: that she would have someone who could help her but she either didn’t want to bother him with a request, or he didn’t make time to help her. J is such a fun and sassy lady though. While I was over, she showed me her latest gardening and home projects. It’s so nice to find an older person with hobbies and a social life! She also admired my new purse, and guess what: She ended up ordering the same one in a different color. Haha!

After my hangout with J, I headed north to spend the afternoon with M. I gave M my old Kindle, and she was thrilled. One of the cool things about M is that she is a hardcore researcher. She researches everything and anything under the sun: high end toaster ovens, car care, tax laws, everything. And we commiserate over stories about our unresourceful siblings. Goddamn, some people just really don’t give two fucks about understanding how things work. After we talked all that smack, we had lunch and hit the mall. Can’t go wrong with H&M! We had a great time! On the drive home, I had this realization about how I’d let my depression about the job really overtake so many other aspects of my life. Like I had stopped having people over for dinner, stopped biking/skating/walking, stopped hosting Craft Club… I enjoy doing things with others, and yet somehow I’d forgotten. Damn job: I let it change me and def not for the better. Fucking buzzkill of the century.

Dreamforce

So I used 4 days of vacation earlier this month to attend Dreamforce. I was glad that I soaked up that cultural phenomenon: the largest tech conference in the world with over 150,000 people descending onto San Francisco. The conference itself was a shit ton of hustle. I studied the agenda and breakout sessions closely and pretty much prepared for full days from 8-6. Of course, to get to the sessions on time, that required getting up super early at the ass crack of dawn. The very first day, I think I was up at like 5:30 to catch a 6-something train. I walked briskly, and then the session was booked. Because the conference is so fucking huge, there are like a gabillion venues for the sessions: all the Moscones plus Century Theaters plus the Hilton, the Marriott, Yerba Buena, the Metreon. Seriously, swarms of people everywhere. Thank goodness for my years in China: they really trained me well for insane crowds. So anyway, one of the days, I had sessions in one hotel and then another session in a second hotel. I busted my ass walking to the second spot, only to be turned away yet again due to capacity. After that, I decided it was necessary to arrive 20-30 min early to each session AND to just stay at a single venue.

Overall, I’m glad I went. It was pretty cool to see case after case of nonprofits and highered institutions were really empowered to do more with an organized CRM system. I mean, to have data centralized in one place is a magical and powerful thing. In my year off when I had done like 50 informational interviews, I’d met/called several Salesforce consultants. I saw their booths at the conference. The first few days, I felt a lot of reluctance approaching them. I don’t think it was necessarily shame that was holding me back: I guess I just wanted to NOT talk about my current job that I hate at a place that doesn’t even use Salesforce. I mean, I think I want to do what they do, and yet 1-2 years after talking with them, I am nowhere near them. Ok, maybe there was some shame or disappointment with my personal progress. In typical fashion, every night after I got home, I chided myself for dragging ass. How would I ever get another job if I let all my networking skills die? How did I expect to work in consulting if I had no initiative in the critical moments? Yeah, I’m kind of emotionally abusive to myself. But fuck man, it did the trick bc by the third day, I made it happen. And then another interesting thing happened. In this sea of 150k attendees, I bumped into a classmate from my Duke Nonprofit Management class in June 2014. I don’t really know if he remembered my name, but I actually chatted with him for 45 min or so. Frankly, in our class, I didn’t particularly like him bc he was kinda the class clown (and you know I’m all serious with my academics), but he was fine this time around. Interestingly, he claims that he recognized me bc of my red jacket. Haha. That $45 F21 jacket has brought me more attention than any other item I own. File that tidbit away.

Dreamforce also had a concert on Thursday night. I was super stoked bc the Killers were on the list (along with Gary Clark, Jr. and the Foo Fighters). When I discovered that my conference pass included access to the concert, I was all over that shit. J expressed all this concern about Thursday being a really long day and how was I gonna be up at 6a and then last through for the concert at like 8:30-11. Blah, blah. Little does Bubbey know, I will pull out all the stops for free shit. If I paid for something (even if I’m just out $5) or if an amenity is included, I HAVE to use it. Long story short, we worked out a plan. After the conference wrapped around 5:30, I rode Muni to the west side of the city to have dinner with Bubbey and his sister S. I then rode the Muni back east to get to Pier 70, the site of the concert. I was kinda bummed about going to the big event solo, but c’est la vie, right? I can’t be stopped. Then, the most unexpected thing happened. Google directions was wrong, and the Muni stopped earlier than expected. A bunch of other conference attendees all got off. I kinda just merged myself into a group of Brits. We ended up catching a separate Muni and then getting to the site. It was probably a group of 6, and they all knew each other. I had no expectation that they would keep me in their fold, but I was pleasantly surprised. Even as we weaved through the crowds, one of the guys just really kept his eye on me. And then after we got in, they grabbed me a beer, and it was kinda nice to suddenly belong to a group. Eventually, we lost some members, but yeah the remaining three of us hung out together for the duration of the concert. Sadly, I got there too late to gain access to the stage where the Killers were performing. Also, I was disappointed to see on the Jumbotron that hottie Brandon Flowers let his hair grow way too long. Damn that dude’s look changes with the wind. He has a lot of different styles. Nonetheless, I enjoyed the music and then by the time the Foo Fighters came on, we were strategically positioned with the musicians in full view. In fact, later in the night, one of the maintenance crew was adding a new porta-potty to the bathroom area just left of the stage. My new friends had the smart idea to follow closely behind the dude as he split through the crowd, creating a path for us closer to the stage. Genius. The Brits LOVE the FF. They’re a bit cacophonous and screechy and fuck man, David Grohle is a goddamn maniac, but the show was entertaining and well, it was kinda cool to just be swept up in the concert energy. Around 11, I said my goodbyes and then Bubbey picked me up to ride home. I felt really proud of myself that night. I didn’t let my social anxiety prevent me from making new friends.

Of course the next day is where my naive stance on relationships revealed itself. One of the guys, Stephen, had explained the night before that they had a booth and their chotkes arrived late due to customs, blah, blah. You know me with my follow up. So I went to their booth the last day of the conference, and I guess I thought maybe we would exchange info and connect via LinkedIn. I chatted with Stephen and he was very nice, but he kinda didn’t want to swap info, so I just left it at that. Like yeah, last night was fun. Safe travels back, and maybe you’ll be back next year. To be honest, it felt a little weird like maybe I was coming on too strong or something. I wasn’t flirting or hitting on him or anything. I guess I was just so thrilled the night before to have shared this big impersonal experience with some new people, maybe I felt somewhat indebted or connected. But it just made me realize that for consultants/sales/business people, interactions really are a dime a dozen. There is nothing really special about spending an evening hanging out with a stranger. I wasn’t hurt by this realization or anything. Maybe he read something romantic or clingy about my behavior the next day? The thing is, it didn’t really matter what he thought. I was pleasantly surprised to have met them, and I wanted to follow up the next day. I kinda got shut down or he distanced, but you know what? That’s ok. I treat relationships differently than other people. I’m not going to change what I do for fear of being read as desperate or whatever. I know what my intentions were and that’s all that matters. I was proud of myself for being unafraid and unconcerned. That’s a palpable shift from my past when I worried too much about how strangers, esp “cool” people perceived me.

Work wise, my boss returned from personal vacation the days I was at the conference. Due to the new interim AVP and all her fresh demands, my boss had to interrupt me A LOT at the conference for data and reports and files. I was pretty annoyed, but when I thought about my boss’ stresses and fears, I tried to just get what she needed quickly. There was a session at Dreamforce that talked about kindness and compassion. Everyone is going through their own fucked up shit. Try to be kind. For some reason, that stuck with me.

So the conclusion from Dreamforce? I want to gain some experience working with Salesforce. I feel like this idea of using tech to help an org operate more efficiently suits me better than social media management. It just feels like a stronger fit. My friend L, who now lives in DC, says he has a good friend who works for SF. We’ll see how that connection pans out. I’m happy that L and I are still in touch now and then. He’s going to be in Santa Clara in October for a couple days, so hopefully, we’ll get to catch up in person. It’s probably been a year since we last met up.[FAG id=7445]

Gone in a Flash

Sorry for the long silence. Life took a terrible, tragic turn, and I am still struggling to get back on even footing. Just over a week ago, we had a death in the family. J’s sister S and her beau were in LA for a wedding. After the ceremony and reception, she retired to their hotel room, and he went to buy a pack of smokes. He never returned. He was hit by a car and died at the scene.

The days since have been mentally, emotionally, and physically draining. I’m immeasurably thankful that her oldest sister E flew out for a week. Somehow, E had all the right words and actions. J and I have driven to SF to see S everyday. Her emotions come in waves, but day by day, she appears considerably stronger. Honestly, I am in awe of S’s mental toughness. Despite the tragedy and trauma, she remains free of anger and resentment, and her perspective is unshakable.

As I’ve learned more about M over the past week, from family and friends to work and love, the abruptness of his death is sadly less surprising though still utterly heartbreaking. What can I say: he was one-of-a-kind. He had the physique of a Greek god: towering in strength and invincibility. His heart was warm, gentle, and kind. He loved and was loved. But in this world, love is rarely enough.

I am still figuring out how to share this tragic news with my friends. Some contacted me in the last week for other random matters, and somehow the information was easier to convey as a reply. But it feels strange to initiate contact and then delve right into such awful news. I have been feeling really overwhelmed and exhausted. M and S are extroverts, and I think being surrounded by so many people is helpful for her as she grieves. For me, meeting all these people seems only to compound the shock of the news, and I often want to just lie in bed with my thoughts and emotions. But I know it’s important to be with S. M would’ve wanted everyone everywhere to show up to his party.

I went back to work on Wednesday. I was in a daze going through the motions at a job that already feels trivial and meaningless. Thank fucking goodness for my friend K. I had a few meltdowns at the office and then later at home, and she’s been incredibly insightful helping me to understand the complexity in all of this, also reminding me how best to support S. I’m glad we had the long holiday weekend to process things a bit more. Yesterday, we joined S and a few of her friends on a short hike at Mori Point in Pacifica. I’d never gone there before: it was a beautiful breezy day. We drove past Puerto 27 and Sea Bowl, where just a few weeks prior we had celebrated S’s bday with M and my friend P. God, it seemed only days ago when M told me he was born with four fingers on each hand, and doctors gave him thumbs by taking his big toes. Yes, I fell for it, bc I’m a gullible dumbass. But seriously, how could life and fate take such a sudden, dramatic turn?

Ok, I’m slowing down now. Calling it a night and then back to my job tomorrow. I am trying to find joy again, even though that’s a hard thing for a pessimist/realist like me to do. I know M would want that for us and most importantly for S. Stay safe and take care. Life is so very precious.

mo

Not Seeing Eye to Eye

It’s really hard to find people who have the same take as I do on relationships. For example, while P was visiting, she was telling me about some classmate in her circle of nursing friends who, on hearing about her breakup, started coming on really strong. He was texting her all the time and asking her about bday plans and asking her out to dinner. The impression was that he was pursuing her. I mean, given that this happens to P all the time, it’s a pretty safe assumption. So, her take is that she’s not interested; however rather than just telling him in a straight-up, direct way, she instead responds to his texts and invites in generic terms. Like if he asks her to dinner, she’ll say, “Yeah, let’s all go out.” Her argument is that bc she will have to see him at group activities and gatherings, there’s no need to tell him directly that she’s not interested. Rather, by replying obliquely and just not really allowing for any alone time together, he will get the hint and also save face.

Obviously, as a proponent of radical honesty, this approach feels unnecessarily complicated and confusing to me. Personally, I feel there is a nice way to decline and reject. And even if the rejection weren’t super soft, hello, this is life. Toughen up. Also, yes, they are all adults now. If a lady says she’s not interested and you share the same set of friends, are you really going to make it awkward? Respect her decision and move on! It’s not that they are super close friends and her disinterest in a romantic thing would be particularly hurtful, right? Frankly, he can’t be all that invested. I dunno. I really don’t see what the big deal is, and further, his texts are getting to be a bit much! That said, I value efficiency and honesty, so her actions feel like a disservice to him. Ultimately though, not my call and probably, NO ONE agrees with me. Whatever.

In other news, I’ve been coming up on some more bullshit at work. That lady T? OMFG. She is one of THE biggest slackers ever. She’ll make personal calls at work and leave her fucking door wide open. Look lady, everyone has to take care of some personal business during work hours, but you don’t need to be so goddamn blatant about it. I don’t need to hear you calling about piano lessons for your daughter or negotiating discounts on your cable bill. Not only that, after she’s done her loud, obnoxious calls, she pretty much goes office to office, plopping herself down in people’s rooms to complain about 1) how little work she has 2) how unmotivated she feels 3) how she wants to go home early. Jesus Christ. Unlike you, I actually have work to do, so um, scurry along and bitch to someone else. It’s kind of weird, bc during her interview process, I was not that impressed. Then, she started and was pretty chatty and nice. I thought maybe there was potential. The next thing I know, she’s wanting to organize parties and get togethers and spousal meetings and … coming on way strong. But even those things didn’t drive me over the edge. It was really the shitty work ethic and the constant barging in on my meetings and conversations. Now, add the constant need for validation and support from others. Last week? She had issue with what my intern wore to work. We don’t have a dress code, and it’s the middle of summer. My intern dresses the way I see college girls dress, i.e. butt shorts. I agree that I wouldn’t personally wear them, but you know what? I’m middle-aged and kinda a prude. So whatever. T goes to my manager to comment about the shorts; she then goes to the office manager and finally, she hits up a third person in the office. After all that gossip, she gchats me that “several people in the office have an issue with my intern’s attire.” Back and forth, she won’t say who has issue with it other than her. She is “offended.” She was planning to take this matter up with the Assistant VP (my boss’ boss), but she wanted to discuss with me first since it’s my intern. I give push back. There is no dress code. She is a college student coming in for a couple hours in the middle of the day. This is not a REAL job, and her role is NOT public facing. A few minutes later, my boss comes in to discuss with me. I give pushback again. My boss makes some confusing statements saying that she doesn’t care, but then she suggests that I consider this a “professional dev” opportunity to talk with my intern. I’m like, “It’s not an issue for me. If you are bothered by it, YOU are welcome to talk to her…” Back and forth and then she backs down. “She’s your intern. If you don’t have issue with it, then that’s fine with me. We have bigger fish to fry.” I relay the decision to T.  Later that day, it turns out T had gone back to the office manager and commented in a testy tone, “Well Vicky said it’s not an issue, so I guess that’s that.” Then, she proceeded to criticize the office manager for not having her back and for “complaining about things without taking action.” 

Jesus fucking Christ. Who is this person? Is she a child, bc she sure as hell does not handle situations like a mature adult. In the end, after consulting with several people, I decided that I didn’t want blabbermouth talking shit about my intern every time she came in wearing something T found offensive. So I talked with my intern, who received the feedback without issue. Done. I mean, seriously though. Why are you trying to discredit a really good, hardworking intern? Fuck off. My intern probably works harder than you do!

And of course, being the defiant person that I am, on Friday I made sure to wear a super body-hugging, short dress to work. Well, tight by my standards anyway. K pretty much found the entire outfit plus the strappy sandals work-inappropriate. But fuck man, I just wanted to see if T had the gall to say something to me. The combative side of me dared her to even try… Ah well, as the universe would have it, Friday was a peaceful day. She probably didn’t even notice bc holy shit, she was actually busy with work getting media coverage for an activity on campus. One of these days though: she’s gonna complain to my face, and I will fucking unleash the Kracken!