Category Archives: Friends

Not Seeing Eye to Eye

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It’s really hard to find people who have the same take as I do on relationships. For example, while P was visiting, she was telling me about some classmate in her circle of nursing friends who, on hearing about her breakup, started coming on really strong. He was texting her all the time and asking her about bday plans and asking her out to dinner. The impression was that he was pursuing her. I mean, given that this happens to P all the time, it’s a pretty safe assumption. So, her take is that she’s not interested; however rather than just telling him in a straight-up, direct way, she instead responds to his texts and invites in generic terms. Like if he asks her to dinner, she’ll say, “Yeah, let’s all go out.” Her argument is that bc she will have to see him at group activities and gatherings, there’s no need to tell him directly that she’s not interested. Rather, by replying obliquely and just not really allowing for any alone time together, he will get the hint and also save face.

Obviously, as a proponent of radical honesty, this approach feels unnecessarily complicated and confusing to me. Personally, I feel there is a nice way to decline and reject. And even if the rejection weren’t super soft, hello, this is life. Toughen up. Also, yes, they are all adults now. If a lady says she’s not interested and you share the same set of friends, are you really going to make it awkward? Respect her decision and move on! It’s not that they are super close friends and her disinterest in a romantic thing would be particularly hurtful, right? Frankly, he can’t be all that invested. I dunno. I really don’t see what the big deal is, and further, his texts are getting to be a bit much! That said, I value efficiency and honesty, so her actions feel like a disservice to him. Ultimately though, not my call and probably, NO ONE agrees with me. Whatever.

In other news, I’ve been coming up on some more bullshit at work. That lady T? OMFG. She is one of THE biggest slackers ever. She’ll make personal calls at work and leave her fucking door wide open. Look lady, everyone has to take care of some personal business during work hours, but you don’t need to be so goddamn blatant about it. I don’t need to hear you calling about piano lessons for your daughter or negotiating discounts on your cable bill. Not only that, after she’s done her loud, obnoxious calls, she pretty much goes office to office, plopping herself down in people’s rooms to complain about 1) how little work she has 2) how unmotivated she feels 3) how she wants to go home early. Jesus Christ. Unlike you, I actually have work to do, so um, scurry along and bitch to someone else. It’s kind of weird, bc during her interview process, I was not that impressed. Then, she started and was pretty chatty and nice. I thought maybe there was potential. The next thing I know, she’s wanting to organize parties and get togethers and spousal meetings and … coming on way strong. But even those things didn’t drive me over the edge. It was really the shitty work ethic and the constant barging in on my meetings and conversations. Now, add the constant need for validation and support from others. Last week? She had issue with what my intern wore to work. We don’t have a dress code, and it’s the middle of summer. My intern dresses the way I see college girls dress, i.e. butt shorts. I agree that I wouldn’t personally wear them, but you know what? I’m middle-aged and kinda a prude. So whatever. T goes to my manager to comment about the shorts; she then goes to the office manager and finally, she hits up a third person in the office. After all that gossip, she gchats me that “several people in the office have an issue with my intern’s attire.” Back and forth, she won’t say who has issue with it other than her. She is “offended.” She was planning to take this matter up with the Assistant VP (my boss’ boss), but she wanted to discuss with me first since it’s my intern. I give push back. There is no dress code. She is a college student coming in for a couple hours in the middle of the day. This is not a REAL job, and her role is NOT public facing. A few minutes later, my boss comes in to discuss with me. I give pushback again. My boss makes some confusing statements saying that she doesn’t care, but then she suggests that I consider this a “professional dev” opportunity to talk with my intern. I’m like, “It’s not an issue for me. If you are bothered by it, YOU are welcome to talk to her…” Back and forth and then she backs down. “She’s your intern. If you don’t have issue with it, then that’s fine with me. We have bigger fish to fry.” I relay the decision to T.  Later that day, it turns out T had gone back to the office manager and commented in a testy tone, “Well Vicky said it’s not an issue, so I guess that’s that.” Then, she proceeded to criticize the office manager for not having her back and for “complaining about things without taking action.” 

Jesus fucking Christ. Who is this person? Is she a child, bc she sure as hell does not handle situations like a mature adult. In the end, after consulting with several people, I decided that I didn’t want blabbermouth talking shit about my intern every time she came in wearing something T found offensive. So I talked with my intern, who received the feedback without issue. Done. I mean, seriously though. Why are you trying to discredit a really good, hardworking intern? Fuck off. My intern probably works harder than you do!

And of course, being the defiant person that I am, on Friday I made sure to wear a super body-hugging, short dress to work. Well, tight by my standards anyway. K pretty much found the entire outfit plus the strappy sandals work-inappropriate. But fuck man, I just wanted to see if T had the gall to say something to me. The combative side of me dared her to even try… Ah well, as the universe would have it, Friday was a peaceful day. She probably didn’t even notice bc holy shit, she was actually busy with work getting media coverage for an activity on campus. One of these days though: she’s gonna complain to my face, and I will fucking unleash the Kracken!

No Respect

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A lot has happened since we returned from Canada. The good news is that Marty is doing pretty well. We cut back on the frequency of his fluids, bc he is eating consistently and overall looking good. I did start to see some signs that maybe he was getting a bladder infection again (this would be the third time): he was drinking a lot and going outside a lot. Thinking it would be important to nip that shit in the bud, I called the vet. Unfortunately, my usual vet was out, so I spoke with the vet tech for another vet. Holy crap. Talk about trying to shame me. I explained that Marty was 15. Last fall, he had a bladder infection. The doctor also suspected kidney disease, saying kidney failure triggers bladder infections or vice versa. Either way, Marty was on antibiotics for about a month and then it went away. In May, Marty got another bladder infection. Different antibiotics bc the first ones developed a resistance and another month plus of drugs. Meanwhile, each visit to the vet to determine a bladder infection involved charges for the office visit, ultrasound, urine culture, subq fluids, drugs = $650. So this third time around, I asked the vet tech if we could just put him on antibiotics without going in for all that other stuff. The tech essentially refused, stating that the symptoms I was seeing could be the kidney disease and so a full check up plus urinalysis plus additional blood workup was necessary. I explained that we had been through this twice before, he was already getting fluids, eating all his meals… he was otherwise looking good. I didn’t want to go in for all that work bc even if we learned more about the kidney values, I wasn’t planning to do more for Marty beyond what we are currently doing. In other words, I’m not going to put him on dialysis. She proceeded to tell me that even if it’s a UTI, it can be very painful. Look lady, I have had UTIs. He does NOT appear to be in pain. Back and forth, back and forth. “He could be deteriorating fast, and we need to see him.” I could not believe the pressure she was putting on me, insisting that he go in. Whatever, lady. Fuck you. To all her insistence, I just said, “Ok” but in an exaggerated tone where it was obvious I was only saying that to shut her the hell up. Goodbye, asshole.

I then called back and left a voicemail with my regular vet. Two days later, when he was back on shift, we discussed, and he said he was totally fine with trying 2 weeks of antibiotics first to see if that helped. If yes, he would give two more weeks. If not, we might consider taking him in. Done. I was so irritated that the tech tried to bully me. Thankfully, by now I have had lots of experience standing up to bullies but fuck, it really made me feel badly for people who love their pets but don’t have $650 to drop. Keep that shit in perspective, lady!!

So our first weekend back, my bud P drove up from Long Beach to hang. She recently broke up with her boyfriend whom she thought was “the one.” P and I see eye to eye on most things, but sometimes with dating/romantic relationships, we can differ quite a bit in our styles. She was pretty sad about the whole thing. That said, she’s also clear on what she wants, so at least there was some closure. We had a good time hanging out. She applied to one nursing job and got scheduled for an interview the following week. She started asking Bubbey all these questions about interviewing, and I was kind of offended. I mean, here I had spent over a year taking every goddamn job hunting class out there and reading up on how to interview or prep. But she asked Bubbey. I dunno if it’s bc he was in management and he actually conducted a lot of interviews for hiring… sometimes I’m sensitive about men being perceived as more credible, experienced, and authoritative. Whatever.

In a related experience, John had emailed our realtor last week inquiring the status about our townhouse renovation back East. The realtor replied promptly with answers to every item. The next day, I emailed separately inquiring about appliance and energy rebates or tax credits, and the realtor replied like five days later with a dismissive, generic, “Yes, I would think you could qualify for them.” WTF? I wanted to call him out. Hello, do you realize that I’m actually the one who gave you our business? Ugh. I swear to god, just another day in the life of a woman. I let it slide this time, but do not push me.

What else. The weekend P was here, it was hotter than hell. The good news is that it forced us to leave the house in search of air conditioning relief. That led us to the mall. Imagine the role reversal! I actually helped P pick out a casual dress plus some new jewelry! Maybe that means my style sense has held steady. 🙂 We also hit up Pacifica, where we had dinner at a super tasty Peruvian restaurant by the water, followed by bowling. On Sunday, we picnicked at the super chill Hallcrest Vineyards near Bonny Doon, walked under the redwoods canopy at Henry Cowell Park, and then had dinner in Davenport. Temps were only 75 degrees vs. 95 in Mountain View!! It was nice to be reminded of these day-trip options by the water. I’ll have to add them onto our list for future out-of-town guests.

Skating towards Salvation

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I have been so damn cranky these last few weeks. Of course, I’m thankful to have Bubbey home again, but at the same time, even he would agree that his re-assimilation back to suburban living has been challenging. I mean, who can blame him? Road-tripping across country, exploring new places, eating new foods vs. chores and tedious matters in an uninsulated house that is hotter than hell. To his credit, he’s working on getting back into the groove, so I’m hopeful things will get better.

Meanwhile, some days my job just feels utterly intolerable. Not only is the content just not floating my boat, but goddamn, some of the people at the office just irk the living shit out of me. I know, as is, I am impatient as fuck, but come on, why can’t these people just stop annoying me?? 😛 Haha. Yeah, I’m feeling kinda harsh today. You’ll just have to deal.

I was thinking about it more tonight, and you know what? I have never worked at a place where I jived with so few people. I know it’s only been 9 months, but at the fuel cell startup, I practically had 3-4 BFFs in that same amount of time! And I am still in touch with three of them today– like eight years later! I have yet to put a finger on the exact reason for disconnect: lifestyle, personality, hobbies… I don’t know. And I don’t think I’m overly demanding: I mean, I’m friends with a pretty broad set of people– oldies, youngin’s, people with kids. Whatever. Yes, clearly, I’m overthinking again. And to be fair, it’s also very likely that I’m just a different person than who I was in 2006. I mean, values/attitudes/perspectives can change dramatically over time, especially since I’m now entering my geriatric years.

The point of all of this rambling is that I’m starting to experience anger and rage again. So, in an attempt to keep that explosive shit under control, I was doing the gym-at-lunch thing twice a week with my friend K (who btw works out hard the entire hour while I clock in exactly 20 minutes on the treadmill + 7 minutes for my workout app and the rest of the hour, I sit my lazy ass down on whatever equipment is not being used) and then rollerblading some days after work. Yeah, the FMD didn’t last after Bubbey came home. Still though, I like to be on some kind of program. Skating towards salvation maybe.

In other news, I took another couple of years off my life feuding with a mobile phone company. Yup, earlier this month, I got a bill charging me $410 for an unreturned signal booster. Look fuckers: I merged phones in April, so I closed my line and shipped the signal booster back to you. I followed the tracking number, saw that the item delivered to the warehouse, and then deleted the tracking info bc the transaction loop was closed. Wrong! They insist that the equipment never delivered. So back and forth: I filed search requests, blah, blah. Weeks later, their “investigation” yielded the same goddamn result: no device. Fuck man, I am not paying $410 for some equipment that I needed only bc T-mobile lied to us at the store and on their coverage map. I was livid talking to a gabillion damn reps. Finally, I found my old picture of the shipping label. Thank freaking goodness. Bam: package delivered to warehouse. Fuck you, scammers!! I mean, wtf? So many experiences with no accountability. I sent in all the info via mail AND email. Two days later and still no reply. T-Mobile, don’t make me call your sorry ass again…

Sunday Funday

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Before John left for his trip, I had fully intended to have a very packed and busy next three weeks. In my head, every weekend was going to be scheduled out with social activities, plus biking, singing, music, wining and dining, etc. Well, now I’m two weeks in, and I’ve actually been rather anti-social, opting instead to spend more time at home with Marty. He’s doing ok, but there have definitely been some days where his appetite was nonexistent and he just looked really off. That said, I still tried to get out of the house somewhat: I visited with J&J over July 4, did the Ninja Warrior gym thing with M, had dinner recently with T, and then lunch with D… so a decent amount of human interaction. Just not as much as I had originally planned. But it’s all good.

Last night, I watched that movie “He’s Just Not Into You.” I love watching relationship movies, esp on my own, bc I can overanalyze and overthink every little detail. The movie has a ton of stars in it, and it isn’t spectacular or a masterpiece by any means, but I still came away with some learning points (of course). After the movie, Marty and I debriefed with a discussion. 😉

Speaking of Marty, he finished up his antibiotics last Monday, July 6. Since then, he’s been far less consistent. He got sick of eating chicken, so over the weekend, I switched over to ground beef. I’m still trying to give him other nutrients by mixing in some sweet potato, but he’s been spitting that crap out. Picky bastard. Yesterday, I pressure cooked the crap out of the yams and now they are totally mashed in with the meat. Two can play at this game, Marty. I want to make sure he gets enough calories, bc we gotta keep the pounds on.

Meanwhile, I got sucked into a PBS show yesterday afternoon about Haylie Pomroy’s Fast Metabolism Diet. I’d never heard about this program before but I got all inspired, so I downloaded a few freebie kindle books on it, and what the heck: let’s give this a go! Yup, I’m getting back on a program or two or three! Haha. Last night I also reinstated my sleep program and pulled out all the goods: Sleepy Time tea,  lavender essential oil, melatonin, zinc, and Meditation Oasis. Unfortunately, I think the tea tree oil/moisturizer mix I used (to improve my complexion) totally thwarted my sleep efforts, bc tea tree oil also energizes and awakens. Damnit. Yeah, I went to bed before 11, but I didn’t zonk out until after 1. Oh well, try again tonight.

But back to the FMD. Today, I went to the store and bought sprouted bread for the first time ever. WTF is this shit? I have no idea, but this early on, don’t ask questions: just follow the damn directions. So I picked up some other products I don’t ever buy, including rice milk, turkey sausage, and egg whites. Interestingly, I think my parents are on some version of this FMD, bc some of the shit sounded familiar (especially eating fruit within 30 min of waking up). Anyway, after combing through the e-books, I think my biggest challenge will be no dairy. I mean, we’ll see. I know, it’s only Day 1, and I’m going to try my best to follow the plan, but I also believe in moderation. It’s not like I’m trying to drop 20-40 lbs or whatever, so let’s not go totally bat shit crazy. My goal is to try and eat healthier so I feel more energetic.

What else. My favorite accomplishment from the weekend? I busted out my Rollerblades! Fuck man, I’d forgotten how much fun it is to cruise around on wheels. I took Marty next door to the park/elementary school, and after a while, he got tired and just plopped down under a tree. But that didn’t stop me. I continued zooming around on the blacktop. There’s a shit ton of debris out there, and the pavement is definitely rougher than my old skating stomping grounds (corporate parking garage with ultra smooth concrete), but hell, we’ll work with what we have. Time to make this a weekly activity!

Ok, well it’s been three hours since my last snack. Time for my FMD dinner: grain, veggie, fat/protein. Let’s try this sprouted bread.

Destination Reached

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Bubbey finally reached his destination (Maryland) on Friday. Yup, exactly two weeks on the road: 4500 miles and 14 states. So while he’s been out frolicking, I’ve pretty much been a boring homebody. My original plan was actually to try and catch up on my sleep. Sadly, my sleep quality still sucks. I feel like I just squandered two weeks of time that I should have used to get back on a program. Goddamnit. Oh well, no point crying over what’s done and over.

On the plus side, Marty made it two weeks and I was able to catch up with some of my long lost buds. At work, things have slowed down over the summer… finally. I am liking my new summer interns, and I’m taking some time now to review metrics and vendor products. The division and school have also held a number of appreciation/newbie welcoming lunches, which have been nice. We certainly never got this much food/drink at the government agency.

On Thursday, we had a division offsite retreat, which I helped to organize. Yes, can you believe, I (of all people) was invited to be on the “fun” committee? I think people just automatically assume social media = fun. Little do they know… This time around, the duties pretty much just entailed me going on a Costco and Target run and then arriving early and staying late the day of. The venue was nestled up in the woods– a place I’d never been. Very cool spot, except for the damn kids running rampant for summer camp.

On Friday, the day after, the office was pretty dead. And the people who did go into work weren’t motivated at all. I mean, I’m kinda tight ass about my work, so I was still trying to get SOME shit done. Meanwhile, T was like calling the cable company negotiating discounts with her fucking office door open. Seriously. I mean, I have no issue about having to take care of some personal business during office hours, but at least try to be discreet. Do you have to have everyone in on what you’re doing? And then afterwards, don’t come into my office complaining about how you have no work to do. The thing about some of these office newbies: they make it seem like the reason they have no work is because they are super efficient, and the veteran workers just take forever with their tasks. Ok, people. Maybe you are super speedy and efficient and productive. Good for you. But it COULD also be that you aren’t being given enough fucking work. If you’re working less than 40 hours/week, then you’re not full-time. Period. Stop making it seem like you’re some superstar worker. Granted, their managers need to adjust their responsibilities or whatever but still, all this fluff talk just irks my nerves. I mean, my interns probably work more hours. Anyway… that’s the thing about this workplace. It’s not that the people there aren’t nice. They’re very warm and friendly: I just don’t jive with them (except my bud K)– chalk it up to different work styles, lifestyles, interest areas, communication styles, or whatever. Like on Friday afternoon, a bunch of people were gathered in the office common area listening to music from the 80s or 90s and dancing. I mean, I was still trying to get work done! Yeah, I know. It’s Friday: chill the fuck out. I just ended up leaving the office. I wasn’t about to throw myself into a dance off. I’m down with hanging with my coworkers, but I’m NOT down with hanging with them in that manner. Yes, I’m selective and again, unapologetic about it. Sorry folks, you don’t make the inner circle cut. And I probably don’t make your cut either. Whatever though. Social exclusion doesn’t bother me.

Holding Down the Fort

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So Bubbey’s been on the road now for about ten days. I’m doing well: getting the hang of things. I’ve had Marty on a special homemade diet of chicken, sweet potatoes, cheerios, and cottage cheese (thank goodness for the pressure cooker!), and along with the daily fluids and supplements, he seems to be doing well. His coat is back to a shine, and he is pretty energetic at the park. What a relief, bc that has really been my biggest stressor. Fortunately, his current state gives me some breathing room, so I’m trying to get my own anxiety back in check: I’m going to the gym once a week with my office bud K, and slowly but surely, I’m just trying to move more. Exercise always helps stem the neuroses.

In other news, the chatterbox colleague at work got pissed at me. A few weeks ago, I was meeting with my boss in my boss’ office, and we were talking about work (not that it really matters). In her usual m.o., T just walked right into the room and asked what we were talking about. I mean, who interrupts two people who are clearly having a private conversation in a private office? The thing is, she knows exactly what she’s doing too, bc she made a comment that she “barged” in on us. I then promptly agreed, saying “Yeah, you did.” She essentially took over the conversation, so then I left. A few minutes later, she came into my office and said she was mad at me. I was like, “What are you talking about?” She was mad that I had agreed with her comment!! Ugh, are you fucking kidding me? I mean, SHE made the observation; SHE committed the act; I just agreed and what, I wasn’t supposed to? Fucking annoying bullshit drama. Whatever though. I wasn’t about to apologize for that shit. The nerve.

A few days after that, two people were in my office with the door closed. We were having a conversation, shooting the shit, whatever. T comes by and tries to open the door. I look up and don’t do anything, bc there are two people in my office and the door is closed. Like, hello, I’m busy: come back later. So then she makes eye contact with H, points to him and then points to herself, which I read as “come see me when you’re done.” She left, and we resumed. Well, as soon as H got out of my office, she went to him and was all like, “Why don’t people like me?” And she was pissed that I was mean to her. Meanwhile, did she approach me about any of this? Nope. Didn’t even have the nerve to tell me to my face. Seriously, I don’t have time for middle school drama like that. Be a fucking adult. Behave like you have professional awareness and courtesy. Don’t just insert yourself with every instance. After that, she was out of the office for a week. Thankfully, since returning, she’s mostly left me alone. I mean, had she come to complain to me, I would have told her: please don’t barge in every time I’m in a conversation with someone: it’s rude and immature. But I suppose now she doesn’t like me, so same end but different means. Whatever. I’m not trying to be snobby, but most people who reach their 40s have dealt with being unpopular at some point in their lives. I would hope that by now, working adults like T could handle NOT being included in every single conversation or social activity. Hello, life skills.

Speaking of friends, I received an email recently from my former coworker J. Yes, the dude who pissed me off at the end of March (I’m good with dates) when he bailed last minute on lunch plans. Interestingly, his email asked 1) if we were still friends and 2) was it something he said? the lack of response with email? the bailing on lunch? Clearly, the dude has legit social awareness. The thing is, my last workplace was a really important time and place in my life. Even though I left by choice, I felt a lot of grief leaving the place and the people. And already, I’d been feeling disappointed about all the friendships there that pretty much died due to lack of effort. Yes, like father, like daughter: I had expectations that people were going to stay in touch. I’m still in touch with my closest friends there, but even for the friends one circle out, I expected SOMEthing. Instead, I got nada. My thing about relationships and effort: I do feel like some things aren’t supposed to be demanded: some things should just be given by the other person out of their love for you. I believe this to be true in marriage and in friendship. Maybe that’s unfair. My therapist used to tell me that people aren’t mind readers. Still, I feel like if there is ever any one quality/characteristic that draws me to another person, fundamentally, it is SOME base level of awareness and consideration.

As a child, my grandmother and mother always favored my brother, and so many times, I pointed out the imbalance of attention, but ultimately, being petulant never changed their behavior. Eventually, I just learned to not rely or even care about their attention. In retrospect, that’s one thing that’s made me fiercely independent. And extrapolating that a bit into adulthood, I think with adult relationships, there’s more clarity on what’s at stake. I’m not comfortable clamoring for someone to “spend time with me.” We’re married or we’re friends, and I have my limits. I’m not the goddamned Giving Tree. You gotta pay to play. But I digress… So anyway, J reached out. His email showed that he already had a sense for what was up. I confirmed his suspicions replying, “all of the above.” Yeah, I had stopped investing, bc I wasn’t getting anything in return and that hurt my feelings. I get it: life is busy and complicated with lots of responsibilities and schedule demands. I try really hard to give people the benefit of the doubt, but in this case, the repeated rejection and lack of reciprocity just finally got to me. And the disappointment compounded with all the other disappointment made me very sad. That said, this is life. Relationships evolve, and it is what it is. By now, I’ve processed the loss. He replied with an apology and said he was trying… I’m not holding my breath. Friends for a reason; friends for a season; friends for a lifetime. Or as Bubbey likes to put it: active vs. dormant. I’m glad J reached out, bc I value the radical honesty, but… we’ll see what’s next.

Meanwhile, my bud M is a fitness nut. She’s obsessed with that show, American Ninja Warrior. Homegirl researched a legit ninja gym and discovered that the closest one with the obstacles is in Concord. On Sunday, I’d gotten up early. I was in power pill mode, so by 11 am, I had done laundry, made a fresh batch of food for Marty, swept, vacuumed, and mopped. M emailed me at noon, saying the gym ran classes and open gym on Sunday. We decided to just go spur of the moment. Yup, I scooped her up in San Mateo and off we went. The class wasn’t too bad: we just did some warm up drills and then the teacher (owner/ANW competitor) showed us a few stations. In all, we were there for THREE hours. Yup, like serious meatheads. Indeed, I saw a lot of buff bods there. Holy fuck, these parkour/ninja people are intense. I sweated my brains out, but it was fun. If anything, we captured some awesome pics and videos that are great for laughs. M is a beast. She made it to the top of the wall like 4 times. I got stuck, squirming and dangling for an eternity until a helpful gent gave me a boost. Holy fuck, the ninjas have crazy finger/arm strength. We had a great time, but at the end, we concluded that we needed to train up on our own and achieve a base level of fitness before hitting up more of those obstacles. I’m sure M will get there soon. On the other hand, I’m happy just to clock in a few thousand steps a day. Manage those expectations, goddamnit.

Holding Down Pics

Family: Different Things to Different People

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So my friend B invited me over for her son’s 2nd bday party. J and I don’t go to very many kiddie bday parties (like never), mostly bc up until this last year, our closest friends were child-free like us. B was very sweet: she expressed some hesitation about inviting kid-free people to her baby’s bday party, but I said I was happy to go every now and then. I mean, it’s worth a try, dipping the feet into the pool occasionally. Plus, it’s only for a few hours… can’t be that bad. So Sunday came along. J managed expectations from the get go and declined, so that was fine: I went solo. But the last time I was invited by this friend’s place for a party, it was uber swank. She’s Afghan, and I dunno what it is, but I find that some cultures, like Afghan and Persian cultures really glam things up. When I went to her baby shower about seven years ago, I showed up very punctually, wearing casual clothes, i.e. dark jeans. Holy crap, the Afghans run super late, and OMG, I was not only like one of two non-Afghans there, but I felt like I was at a party with the Kardashians… everyone was uber polished and fancy. Yup, it gave me the ugly duckling complex, so this time, I made sure to put in more effort. I wore a dress, and I also arrived 45 minutes after the stated time. As it turned out, I was STILL on the early side, and I think I was the only non-family member there, which was kinda intimidating but everyone was also very welcoming. I met her parents, mom-in-law, brothers, sis-in-law, etc. I’d met all of them at the shower years ago, and man, the moms are so put together also!! Just, classy. I dunno how else to describe it. A lot of times, I feel like my family wears big, baggy, ill-fitted stuff. It’s not that their clothes are cheap, but their outfits rarely fit. But B’s family? Very well-dressed. I had originally anticipated 2 hours, but well, I ended up hanging out for four hours. I had fun catching up with B and her hubby K, with whom I used to work. Of course, their two boys plus two of the boys’ cousins were there, so I had to work especially hard focusing on the adult conversation while the kids were bouncing around on a trampoline and generally going bonkers. Holy crap. There was screaming and crying and then so-and-so hit the other kid. Then shit got unplugged, and wires were tangled. I dunno. It was a fucking zoo. I seriously do NOT know how people handle kids, much less MULTIPLE kids in the same household. Mind blowing for reals.

The interesting thing about all of this though was just that family was clearly so important. The mom-in-law had flown in from the midwest for the bday party. I observed K standing behind his mom with his hands around her neck. Affection, laughter, celebration. The total opposite of time I spend with my family. Maybe I’m comparing their best with my worst, or whatever that comparison game line is. The thing is though, my best is neutral: it’s just times when there’s no disappointment or criticism or sadness. It’s just getting shit done and doing practical things. I guess that’s what happens when you isolate yourself. You lose the skills of communication and connection. As a practicing physician, my father had excellent bedside manner. His patients and colleagues loved him, but I don’t think he really ever learned how to connect with people on a deep, friendship level. Being useful and helpful and full of advice? Excellent. But just cutting loose and hanging out? Never. Completely foreign. I’m sure growing up in this environment of chronic distance and lack of connection is partly what makes me so desensitized to social awkwardness. I mean, hello, welcome to my family. Welcome to every single homecoming, phone call, family gathering. It’s pretty sad, and yet, what can be done. I can only learn from this and apply my knowledge going forward, bc in my family, some things will just never change.

When I was on the phone with my father yesterday, he asked about my job. He asked if I liked my coworkers. I said I was good friends with one person, and the others were fine. I got along with everybody. Then, he started warning me that sometimes people come across nice but then they backstab and sabotage you. I mean, look: I know my father faced racial discrimination. I know he’s seen the bad side of people, especially when, for a period, his office staff had trouble getting along. I’m sure he saw all those awful things that come along with dysfunction. But at the same time, I’m 39. I have my own lifetime of experience, and no matter how fucked up any of my past workplaces have been, I have NEVER had an issue with people. Overall, my work speaks for itself, and I pretty much get along with everybody. Some people frustrate me, but it never gets to the point of deliberate ill-will and malice. Anyway, his whole point going down that path was just another example of the habit of paranoia and fear-based thinking: everyone is out to get you. When I was in school, my parents always insisted that my friends who were doing well were out to topple me from being at the head of the class: Don’t share any secrets, blah, blah, blah. I mean, is it any real surprise that they have no friends?? I just tried my best to nip this convo in the bud by saying “I don’t have that problem.”

I suppose all of this really boils down to a fundamental difference in philosophy. My parents feel that honesty and truth is overexposing and risky, that vulnerability is a weakness. But after years of damaging myself with inadequacies striving for perfectionist ideals, I find that vulnerability is a truth, and while I value strength and resilience and the desire/effort to improve, I also try to minimize feeling shame about all my flaws and foibles. Maybe in some odd way, I feel that my (radical) honesty is what’s unique to me. That’s what I offer to others. And oddly enough, that’s what my parents have always instructed me to hide.

Birthday Bash + Marty Update

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So I neglected to mention my bday party last weekend. Too much going on these days. We had a good time: I changed up the guest list a bit due to limited space on the Houseboat. As usual, J and I were up super early cleaning and getting the smoker going, so by the time the party started at 4p, we were kinda already pooped. I know, we never learn. Still, we had a blast. I had a big contingent from my last workplace and then a dabbling of reps from the fuel cell startup and my current gig. Yes, I like to throw my buds into a big mix and see what comes. Haha. I think it works out fine; I never really ask them, bc frankly, I wouldn’t change the lineup anyway. That’s right: unapologetic, as usual. Hee hee.

My friend J, she’s about my dad’s age. She was so sorry that I was throwing my own bday party… even down to buying my own cake! She’s funny. On one hand, the modest Chinese in me does feel like, “Wow, you’re going to celebrate yourself?? Aren’t other people supposed to celebrate you?” On the other hand, I know that parties are a ton of work and well, I’m an ESTJ after all. If I want shit to happen, I pretty much gotta do it myself. Shrug. I have to say though, it was super helpful having my friend K attend. She has a master’s degree in counseling, so home girl is all up on Myers-Briggs and the love languages and psychological “conditions”, etc. In other words, she’s super keyed in. First time aboard the Houseboat, and she stayed late to wash dishes after everyone else went home. It was totally unnecessary, but at the same time, really thoughtful. A huge help. Fuck man, we had so many dirty dishes. So much so that J thinks we ought to consider disposable plates next time, esp since CA is in a drought and all. We’ll see.

Overall, the bash had a little bit of everything. Some people came early to watch the Belmont Stakes. We witnessed the first Triple Crown winner since Secretariat in the 1970s!! Later, we hung out, chatted, played a little bit of Jenga, and we even busted out the karaoke system. My bad: apparently, I was logged into my “work” YouTube account on this new phone, so I didn’t have my ktv playlist. So yes, my poor guests were subjected to “Unbreak My Heart” and then like three “do over” versions of “Kiss Me” bc I couldn’t find the right file. Haha. Unapologetic, again. Of course, later on K and her beau showed us all up with some rap song by NWA (I only remember this group, bc I think of Northwest Airlines). Anyway, they were damn good and frickin’ spot on with the beats and rhythm. Sigh. Rhythm is THE fucking bane of my existence. The good news though? I think I found some new KTV fans.

What else. On the actual day of my bday (Monday), I went to work bc well, wtf else am I gonna do? J drove down for lunch, and we tried a new pizza spot by Avaya Stadium. Then, he took me to the Rose Garden in SJ. Beautiful spot despite the heat wave that day. Good for me, but bad for him. For dinner, I left work early bc we had fucking old people reservations at 5p. Great meal, then back home for leftover ice cream cake. Yup, living it up while I can!

The rest of the week was pretty up and down. My buds took me out to dinner and a play (Urinetown) on Wednesday night. The play was so different than any other: a bit over the top with the narrator frequently talking to the audience. It was a long day and late night, but well worth it. Beyond that, Marty’s condition is still really touch and go. He had a few days where he looked really bad, so there was another trip to the vet, changes in medication, and back and forth phone tag. He’s now in Stage 3 of 4 for chronic kidney disease. We ordered some lactated ringer bags (sugar water + electrolytes) to start administering subcutaneous fluids at home. The whole ordeal is super stressful, handling the logistics of home care, getting Marty to eat/drink (cooking and prepping a bunch of different foods), tracking all the meds and symptoms, plus of course, mentally preparing for end of life stuff. Bottom line: it’s hard to have a good day when Martin isn’t doing well. Our latest plan is to give him fluids daily (instead of every few days) and see if that improves his appetite. Until now, his appetite and lethargy have been frustrating. With the fluids, J cannot handle needles so I poke and he holds Marty still. The tricky thing with kidney disease is that the kidneys remove toxins from the body. We’ve had Marty on a low protein, low sodium canned food diet since fall, when we first learned of his renal failure, but with this latest bout, he just WILL NOT EAT much or anything at all. And bc his weight is already trim, he can’t exactly afford to have him skipping meals. And he’s so finicky now, he won’t eat the special kidney diet food, so we’re trying to weigh feeding him foods he’ll eat (right now: chicken, beef, cheese) knowing that those foods are also high in protein and hard for his body to process. I’m hoping he’ll show some consistent improvement this week. Fingers crossed.

Peruvian Posse in NorCal

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I’d been in a funk lately. For me, the telltale signs are mostly related to my inactivity: I stop doing all my hobbies, so no exercising, no craft clubs, no wool felting, no ktv, no ukulele, and no planning. For Memorial Day weekend, my buddy P and her clan from Peru (as well as her new beau) were traveling to the Bay Area. For a few weeks beforehand, she’d been trying to see if J and I would be in town, but the most I was willing to commit to was that they were welcome to stay at our house, but we weren’t sure if we were going to head out of town on a way overdue QT trip or what. Well finally, the week of, I confirmed that indeed we were sticking around. Normally, I’d be super excited and enthusiastic. After all, I’d met her sister a few years back, and we also traveled together in NYC. This time around, her sis now has a cute baby girl in tow, and this trip would also be my first time meeting P’s new man C… but I just wasn’t feeling my usual level of energy and anticipation. And the last time P and I were together, we had put Remy down during her visit. Yes, I was def due to for a new, happier last memory.

So yeah, I didn’t plan a damn thing for their arrival and stay. But you know what? It all worked out just fine. I mean, the weekend was packed, and the Houseboat was definitely at max capacity (five adult guests + an 18-month old) with seven adults total, a dog, and a baby. But the most important thing is that we had a great time! And turns out, the time with friends, some traveling, some wine, and beautiful destinations helped get me out of my head a little. We didn’t have much private time to catch up, but I was glad to see P happy. Her beau is handsome, attentive, considerate, and reliable. I’m comforted knowing that she’s with someone who seems like a good, caring person.

Other observations: the crew arrived Friday night. Immediately, I noticed the very different cultural differences re: family interactions. Whenever I visit with my family, things are super low-key, serious, quiet, and mellow. OMG, the Peruvians are hyper, chatty, and uber animated! First, P was doting over the baby like crazy. Baby M is very cute but still. P was gushing all over her, speaking to her a million miles a minute in Spanish. Then, P and her sister are so sweet together. I mean, clearly very close. The total opposite of me and Johnny. Families can be so different.

On Saturday, the clan headed up to SF for Alcatraz and Fisherman’s Wharf. J and I stayed home. I don’t know what we did. Just hung around and took Marty to the park I think. At night, the group returned for dinner. We BBQed, and her beau’s friends came over from Sunnyvale. That all went pretty well except that after midnight, most everyone seemed beat and ready for bed, but the guests would NOT leave. I mean, we had people rolling out the foam mattress in the living room and someone else was falling asleep on the couch, and still, the guests didn’t get the hint. Very odd.

Finally, on Sunday, we all headed up to Napa. Damn, that place is expensive, but shit, so freaking beautiful. Another fun day: we hit up some wineries I’d never visited before… on the advice of P’s friend who used to live in Napa. Nice finds, and I’m going to remember them for my next batch of out-of-towners. Another very long day, where we got home after dark. Then another friend of theirs came over and stayed awhile. J and I retired to the bedroom to rest, and then we zonked out. Man, all that social interaction and traveling is exhausting for introverts like us!

On Monday, we hit up Sausalito. We had some BBQd oysters from Fish, right along the water. Pretty tasty. Yeah, we did a lot that weekend. But now we need a vacation from the holiday weekend.

Doggie Daycare

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Last Saturday, I received a text message from my realtor friend. D and I were in close contact five years ago when we bought our house, but since then, she herself moved, had two kids, adopted a dog, and got preggers with her third child. After she had her two boys, we kinda just fell out of touch. As I mentioned in an earlier post, she frequently hosted big parties and sometimes invited me over for family/kiddie time, but it just didn’t feel like the right “season” for our friendship. Whatever.

So her text last week basically told me she was due the next day with her third child, and her dog sitter had bailed due to a medical issue in her family. Could I take her 85-lb, 3 y/o lab for a week or two while she gave birth and had time to bond with the family? First of all, to be honest, I have a slight bad taste in my mouth bc in the three years that they have had the dog, they have tried at least twice to give him away. Annoying. I mean, everyone knows labs are a crazy amount of work. Sure, there’s the whole glorified Old Yeller scenario: how cute would it be to have a puppy and my child grow up together, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, maybe I feel like them adopting him in the first place was a bit irresponsible. Like, have a better understanding of what you’re getting yourself into regarding parenting (multiple kids) and pet adoption. But whatever. Not everything can be fully anticipated. That’s life. So long story short, I replied that John just returned (two days prior) from a month away dealing with elder care issues, and we were already dogsitting his sister’s dog. We could possibly do Wednesday after that dog went home and then see. I had a dog sitter recommendation for her, but minutes later, I felt like that wasn’t a viable option due to my sitter having three dogs of her own plus living in a 500 sf apartment.

So for some illogical, emotional reason, I thought back to last fall when Martin was having all his kidney and bladder issues, and I had to ask like ten people about dog sitting for our trip to Taiwan. It was so stressful worrying about finding him a place. So I said to D that we could have the three dogs meet that afternoon and then see. So they came over, the non-Martin dogs were a bit growly. We all walked over to the park to get them acclimated, and the lab was HYPERSPAZ. Panting so loudly I couldn’t even hear the conversation, and just super energetic. Like thinking back to Remy and Martin’s younger years, I can’t even remember seeing a dog with so much energy and strength. Thirty minutes later, despite realizing that he’s going to be a ton of work, J and I agreed to take him. Then they schlepped in all his shit: a huge bag of dog food, a monster tote of supplies and toys, and then a 4 x 2 crate (formerly Martin’s airline crate). All plopped in my small family room. And yes, I had just deep cleaned my house that morning– mopped, vacuumed, everything. Fucking A. It’s one of those moments where you kinda don’t want to do something, but you do it bc you feel it needs to be done. Afterwards, there’s a tinge of regret. But whatever. We agreed and that’s that.

Now it’s one week later. B is a very sweet dog. John’s sister’s dog went home on Wednesday, and we’re down to two again. B and Martin are fine together. With J now on leave of absence from work, having B is helpful for giving us routine: up early to walk them and play fetch, etc. He slobbers and drools all over our wood floors when he drinks, and he sheds like crazy, but he’s really growing on me. He is eager to please, and the panting is subsiding somewhat. Maybe he is feeling more settled now. But the thing that really bugs me is, he’s been with us for a week. Not ONCE have we heard from the family. No text checking in 24 hrs later to see if the THREE dogs were doing ok together. No text asking if B is ok, if WE are ok, if the arrangement is still acceptable for us. I mean, no, we don’t have kids, but hell, there is a LOT going on in our lives right now. The elder care shit, even if we aren’t there in MD, is a huge mental worry. J not working, though financially feasible, is still something we are trying to figure out. We have decided to sell our house in Virginia bc the property management company SUCKS. I had to get our current roof here in MV repaired, and the work didn’t resolve the issue. Meanwhile, work is busy. I had a dream last night that my father died. I mean, there’s a lot emotionally and mentally that is going on. And all this time, while there is no inquiry with her dog, on FB, there are all these posts about winning recognition awards, the baby being late, the baby finally coming, and then the baby is here (but please, no visitors), photo shoot day, etc. WTF, people? Congrats on your baby. I get that parenthood is intense, but please, spare me the entitlement:

Thanks for calls and messages. I cannot get to them just yet. Lots of after pains for mommy… But baby is doing well. Please no visitors yet… Road to recovery has no shortcuts. Feel free to drop off a meal or pick up boys, especially B, to spend a couple of hours in the park. We cannot wait to share our new bundle of joy and her story with you all soon. Please keep sending your healing energy and prayers…

I can’t help but feel disappointed. Maybe I would give some more slack if these words were for close friends only, but for all? It’s a bit much, and frankly, pretty self-centered. In the end, I got sucked in. I responded to a perceived urgency. It’s my own damn fault. And to be clear, the scenario wasn’t the same as J and me leaving the country and needing dog care. The baby wasn’t even born yet! Whatever. I’m not going to use B like some pawn that gets shuttled back and forth from sitter to sitter. He’s already an anxious dog.

Oh well. My Peruvian posse is visiting for Memorial Day: four adults and one baby plus J, Martin, and me. It’s gonna be a full house on the houseboat. We’ll have B until then, and then he’ll have to go back. Hopefully, ten days will be sufficient for baby bonding and re-acclimation.