Category Archives: Friends

Inevitable Progression

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Since returning from Europe, Martin has not been well. The sitter took great care of him, but since being home, he has had a few bouts with anxiety and his appetite is waning considerably. We have resumed giving him fluids every few days, but it doesn’t seem to work the magic that it used to. He vomited a couple of times, had diarrhea, and is visibly weaker. The hind legs are starting to give out, and he is definitely thinner.

Meanwhile, my childhood friend N is at the end now with her dog. Also suffering from kidney disease, Ally has stopped responding to everything: she is not eating and she no longer has the strength to get up. N is a vet, so she knows much more about this terrible “progressive” disease. The word, “progressive” doesn’t even seem like the right term. Progressive suggests advancement in an upward direction, but really, our puppies are degenerating right before our eyes. When I spoke with N two days ago, I tried to be optimistic: Marty and Remy bounced back so many times; maybe Ally will too. But N knows better. And today will be Ally’s last. Once again, we must say good bye to a loyal and trusted friend. I remember all of our furry companions– how much they have enriched our lives. Their time with us is just never enough. Ever.

I don’t know how much, if at all, Martin will bounce back this time. I hope that, like Nathalie, I will know when it’s time. And I will have the strength to let him go.

That’s the thing about life. There is never a good time. I was wanting this year to be one of celebration not sadness. I’m not sure that things are panning out that way. I recently got approved to be a dog sitter on Rover. My idea was to specialize in caring for old dogs, thinking it would be a way for Martin to gain some company, as he does seem to do better in the presence of a pack. But now I don’t know if that will all happen in time, bc well, “progression.” Ugh.

Sweating with the Oldies

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So it’s been three days since we returned from Europe, and we are still jet lagged, though slowly getting closer to normalcy. Bubbey started off waking up at 2 am on Monday, then 3 am on Tuesday, and now 4 am today. As soon as he gets home from work, he eats dinner and crashes. I have been doing a little better– but still waking up earlier than my usual. Meanwhile, my right eye continues to twitch like a mofo. It all started the day I arrived in London. I thought it was caused by me wearing my contacts for the long flight (10 hrs) and beyond. My eyes got super dry, but even after using drops for days and skipping contacts altogether since returning,  that shit is still spasming. We’re talking two weeks now. I did my WebMD research on this and it seems that the causes are primarily stress, fatigue, wind, caffeine, physical exertion, alcohol. Hmm, I mean I’ve been cranky lately but would I say stressed? The other elements, however, do apply. But that’s never been an issue before. Fuck man, I can feel it: this is 40. I’m getting screwed again.

Motivated by yet another expiring Groupon, I decided that exercise might be the answer once again. Yesterday, I opened up my one-month membership at the JCC. That facility is fucking monstrous, linked with a big retirement community and everything. Two floors, two pools (the indoor one is heated to 87 degrees!!), two saunas in each locker room, and a shit ton of classes. Originally, my plan was to do the yoga classes and then wade around in the pool. But looking over the class schedule, I thought I would try Aqua Stretch this morning, you know, two birds, one stone kind of deal. So this morning, I was up early and made it to the 8:30 am class. I mean, I dunno what I was expecting but all old white women. Ok, well there was one younger lady (I think she was autistic) and one Asian lady. Both of whom left early and the class was only one hour! In the few minutes I spoke to the Asian lady, she said she’d just returned from Europe (I said, “Me too.”) and asked if I bought any luxury goods (like Longchamp bags or whatever that brand is) during my trip. Jesus Christ, am I the only person who’s NOT into luxury goods?!?

Class wasn’t too hard, so it was a nice intro into fitness again. I liked doing the movements in the water, but I’m not really digging the class thing (with the oldies). I dunno, I guess I’m ageist. Afterwards, I figured I would live it up with the amenities. I took a shower there, used the shampoo and bath gel, used the hair dryer and q-tips, stepped into the sauna. Fuck yeah. Granted, there are a lot of naked bodies everywhere which makes a prude like me a tad bit uncomfortable. Then again, I can’t be kept away from my free shit. Haha. I guess I also got good training/exposure to this kind of environment when I joined the fancy gym in Shanghai years ago. Back then, the bathroom/showering facilities were much nicer than our apartment, so I did all my bidness there (after working out, of course). Yeah, I was fucking fit when I was in Shanghai. Sigh.

After luxuriating in the amenities of the JCC, I went home. Dad called. He has friends visiting in May, and he asked me to research fun things for them to do. See? Fucking OnStar over here. But on the plus side, not a single mention about my career/job. This is a record, man! Not since I left SCU at the end of January. I’ve been wondering whether this is deliberate bc he doesn’t want to stress me out, or if given his and my grandparents’ health issues, he no longer believes that stuff matters above all else. I don’t know. Maybe it’s a combo of both. I haven’t even told them I am studying real estate.

My sweet friend M came over today for lunch. She’s so thoughtful. Remembers everything– she’s a tracker like I am. Brought over lunch to celebrate my wedding anniversary. She’s got a fun project going on, and she’s always so freaking disciplined with working out. Super fit and now she’s on some Whole 30 diet that’s uber hard core. She’s sitting there eating a salad while I’m packing away the chips, beans/cheese, AND burrito. That kind of willpower is no games, man. Even in the presence of pure gluttony. SMH.

Tonight, Bubs and I are going out to dinner for our anniversary. Man, can’t believe it’s been 13 years. Then again, it also kinda feels longer than that. Sigh. The wild and crazy life I gave up to be with Bubs. Sacrifices, man. My Chinese peeps better be eating that shit up, bc hell yeah, the struggle is real. 😛

Balancing Past, Present, and Future

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expectation

I’m not gonna lie: lately, I’ve been feeling funky about my friends. This sentiment usually crops up once or twice a year, where I feel disappointed in others. Yes, I have recurring issues with energy and effort in relationships. I understand the dangers and pains of expectations, esp having been on the receiving end of it with my family all my life, yet I can’t help but feel sometimes like my people’s inactions fail me.

I read recently that in today’s media-crazed world, your attention is one of the most valuable gifts you can give to others. Sure, people have different love languages, skills, strengths and weaknesses, and all that. I try my best to remember what their love languages are (no matter how different or counter intuitive they are from mine) and blend what I sense is important to them with what I myself feel is important for relationships in general.

Of course, Bubbey listens/observes my gripes whenever I’m in the funk. And certainly, there have been multiple times where he tries to remind me not to take things so personally– people are busy and sometimes people just aren’t good with keeping track of details. Recently though, he told me that I do too much for others. Like whenever my friends are stressed about something or in need of something, I listen and talk with them and then later, I follow up with research to fill their gap. Admittedly, it’s the problem-solving part of my ESTJ nature, and as I’ve been told before: sometimes people want you to listen only and not solve their problems. That’s fine. I listen, but can I still share my feedback? Fucking social intelligence, man. Who the fuck knows how to navigate all this complication. But yeah, whether it’s dealing with depression, stressing about money, needing a student loan, grappling with the loss of a love, the death of someone… I think about how to find resources and options and then I offer what I can. Typically, Bubbey never questions my decisions and choices on how or where to help– be it for my family or for my friends–but a few months ago, I was stressed about a friend’s scenario, and I was ready to jump right in. In a rare departure from his usual supportive stance, he said “People need to figure out their own shit. You do too much. I mean, what about all the stuff you’ve been going through? I don’t see anyone checking in to ask you about all your struggles– leaving your shitty job, your fears for what’s next, all the burdens you’re bearing with Martin, your family, or anything! What have they done for you? So many times, you help them and they give you nothing in return!”

He’s always said one of his biggest concerns when I’m not working is that I do this dangerous manic dance, where I waver between busying myself and getting shit done and overthinking and feeling down about myself and my life. I dunno. Some of my relationships do feel pretty damn lopsided. Maybe I’m just feeling like a martyr today. I see similarities with my dad. He does a lot for other people and although he never asks for anything in return, small gestures of acknowledgement and expressions of care carry him a long way in feeling appreciated, useful, and helpful. In the past, I’ve criticized him for doing too much– to the point where people just seem to expect his help and they no longer are gracious.

Many years ago, when I was working at the government agency, a friend/coworker had an extremely volatile relationship with her boyfriend/housemate. Things came to a head, and J and I immediately offered our home to her and her hyper/aggressive dog. She filled our garage with her stuff, and she moved into my office/spare bedroom. It was a stressful time, with her working through lots of drama and fear and uncertainty. In the end, she only stayed a month, maybe a little less. After I left the agency, she and I lost touch. A few months ago, I met up with another coworker who told me that friend is basically blaming me for losing touch with her, and she even made some comment that I can only be friends with people who adopt my same perspective.

It’s true: we did lose touch for multiple reasons, but was differing perspectives the reason? I mean, I guess so if you consider a toxic personality a different perspective. Let’s rewind: On a few occasions while I was still working there, she misconstrued my actions and accused me of ill intention. In addition, she was constant drama, one of those people who always believes that she has zero choices and is trapped by life. For example, when she was staying here and looking for another place to live, for every suggestion J or myself or others gave, there was an excuse: She couldn’t live there bc her dog needed space. She couldn’t get a roommate bc her dog wasn’t good with people. She couldn’t live at a specific property even though it was in her price range bc it was too old and shabby. Blah, blah, she was never gonna have a home of her own… she’s never had a place that feels like home. It was exhausting trying to emotionally support her. And then other shit happened: I stopped having her dogsit Remy and Martin, bc her dog was aggressive towards Remy a few times and Remy was getting fragile in her elder years. I didn’t invite her on-and-off boyfriend (who could keep track?) to my bday party, and now I was accused of deliberately cutting her, her bf ,and her dog from my life. WTF, who talks like that? And her negativity pervaded everything. So yeah, I grew frustrated with the negativity. I was fine with her not taking my suggestions, but if you’re miserable with your life, do SOMETHING other than the status quo! Life 101.

And ultimately, losing touch is a two-way street. Since I left, I have organized multiple group activities with my coworkers. Of course, she was invited. Has anyone else ever organized a meetup? Has she in particular reached out to me independently? Apparently, she recently broke up with the boy and bought a house. I was happy for her, so to hear the ill will later is just plain hurtful. Not entirely unexpected, but still hurtful. My whole life, I’ve had to constantly defend myself against my mother’s accusations and insistence that my actions were questionable– done out of jealously or malice or selfishness. Come to think of it, my mother and this coworker have similar personalities: both are paranoid, neurotic, distrustful, and paralyzed by catastrophic thinking. I read so many quotes about love and friendship and relationships: be wholehearted and giving. I try to live by those values, to be generous and gracious and open. When my friends do well, I am happy for them. The right path forward is to acknowledge that this friendship was a temporal one, to wish her well, and to move forward. Still, her comments are so fucking irksome!!!

April 1 was the 2-year anniversary of Remy’s death. ONE friend remembered. ONE. Others were kind enough to say something once they realized the day, but I dunno. I couldn’t help but feel disappointed. Am I saying then that I expect everyone to remember all these dates and milestones, like the death of my nephew, the death of Remy, the death of M, etc.? No, that’s absurd. But I was so very sad that day, and it was upsetting to feel alone in my memories of Remy. I cried as I read through my stack of cards next to her shrine in my bedroom. The condolence cards from two years ago were so touching and meaningful to me. Even the vet, he wrote this lengthy card and later the UC Davis vet school sent me an acknowledgement that he made a donation in her memory. So sweet.

April 1 came and went. Then the other day, a friend emailed me after about two months of silence. What’s up, blah, blah all the things going on… which btw, I had asked about months ago and never heard back. I replied a day later, responding to her update and then sharing all my crap including my dad’s health and such. Not a damn. word. back. That’s what I mean. I know this isn’t a game of tennis where every volley needs a reply, but you asked how I was doing, I responded, and then nothing. It’s like this other friend. Months ago, I emailed that S’s boyfriend got hit by a car and died. No reply. I seriously thought my email wasn’t working. Weeks later, I was like, did you get this? Oh yeah. I got it and meant to reply and then I got sick. So sorry. WTF, are you for real? Tell me the mature/adult way I should react. I was trying to analyze why these interactions annoy me. Um, to start: Lack of genuine concern, lack of initiative, and bullshit follow through. John reminds me: everyone is doing the best that they can. Your strengths of keeping in touch and checking in are not necessarily other people’s strengths. Pull back on how much you invest in others. Focus on what’s next for you. Translation: Suck it up and don’t care so much. You do you. Once again, more work for me, bc I’m the one with the problem.

Horrible Mothers

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I’ve noticed this thing lately about women and guilt. I consider most of my good gal friends feminists who are educated, accomplished, self-aware professional women. Still, something about motherhood makes them say the damnedest things. For example, four of my friends are mothers. I don’t hang out with them often anymore bc well, parents have a totally different life and all, but I have heard all of them say at various times when interacting with their kids, “I’m a horrible mother.” Sometimes I think it’s in jest or with sarcasm, like my friend had to take away the kid’s toy and he started crying, so “Yes, I know, I’m a horrible mother.” But other times, it’s said with this notion that she’s not good enough. Like, she doesn’t understand what he’s saying or she can’t correctly/accurately anticipate the kid’s needs, so she’s dumb or stupid. And I’ve never heard them talk about themselves that way before.

I mean, as someone who is constantly self-bashing bc I perpetually feel insufficient, this isn’t a foreign concept to me, but to see it in my friends… it’s kind of disturbing. Maybe they felt guilt or inadequacy before and I just wasn’t aware of it, or perhaps motherhood is now what has brought it to the forefront? I don’t know. But what I do know is that I have never EVER heard the fathers utter those words. And so it reminds me of a bunch of things I read the last time I was job hunting: Women consistently lack confidence, have self-esteem issues, and blame themselves for things not going right. From applying for jobs to negotiating terms to getting (or not) new jobs, women often don’t think they’re good enough, don’t think they deserve more, and/or they completely blame themselves for any negative outcome. On the other hand, for men, the culprit is always some external factor: the hiring manager wasn’t clear on what s/he wanted for the role or the fit was bad or whatever, the place was a bunch of yahoos…

Anyway, it’s an interesting observation that only goes to emphasize how fucking hard it is to be a woman. We want to be so many things all at the same time.

Flurry of Activity

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Last week, I was feeling so good about getting myself back on track. Faced with the deadline of my yoga Groupon, I actually hit the studio every damn day for a week (minus Easter). And on Friday night, J and I tried a new ktv place for the first time in years, joined by K + D. In the past, our ktv spot was a Japanese joint in Cupertino. This time, we opted for a Taiwanese-owned place with lots of food options (instead of just snacks and drinks like the old place). What a pleasant surprise! Sadly, the audio system didn’t work wonders on my voice the same way that ktv place in Tokyo did and the queuing system was a bit confusing, but overall, we had a blast! And holy crap: K is really good! I have a lot of friends who are fans of karaoke, but homegirl can do hardcore rap! I have NO IDEA how she knows all the words and is able to keep up with the pacing, but it’s pretty damn amazing to witness. I keep telling her she needs to enter some karaoke contests, for realz… I’m gonna be her agent! Bubs and I did have a realization Friday night that we need to update our song list. I mean, K + D are mid-80s babies but shit, who knew music from the 80s and 90s was so damn repetitive and lingering? Those chorus lines drag on and on!!!

In other news, on Saturday, G + J came to town with baby O. Yup, the Houseboat was the site of TWO babies (and six adults), as J + J also came over with baby H. I have said it before: holy crap the babies are nonstop action, and J and I didn’t even have to do anything! But it’s just the constant movement and monitoring… J and I were so wiped that night. Still, we had a great time catching up with our buds. The two baby boys got along (we captured some nice photos), and it was nice to just chillax on the Houseboat: cook dinner and lounge on the patio outside. We couldn’t have asked for better weather this weekend.

On Saturday, my gardeners were also over all day, getting going on Operation Front Yard. They tore everything up, added a shit ton of fresh soil/amendment, regraded/tilled, and started laying out my plan. To be honest, I’d been dragging ass on this front yard do-over for nearly 3 years… mostly bc J and I know nothing about plants and we really just had no fucking clue what we were doing. But my bud J kicked things off with that watercolor sketch and then I got some ideas from Pinterest and finally assembled a design board. With a few trips to the nursery, I started feeling better: it wasn’t really as hard as I had anticipated. I pretty much just needed full/part sun plants that were also drought tolerant, and surprisingly, the nursery is already arranged in a logical way where the plants are categorized similarly. So I’ve definitely deviated from the design board, but as my gardener has laid things out with spray paint and brought us sample flagstone and gravel to help envision everything, I’m finally feeling excited that this shit is going to happen. I’m kinda bummed that we missed the county landscape rebate program (the county ran out of funds), but at this point, I just can’t wait to see how everything comes together. Two more Saturdays and we should cross that finish line! Yippee!

Kudos to Kdash

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Being the prude that I am, I wasn’t particularly thrilled this week when Kim Kardashian posted a nude selfie (with strategic blacked out areas). In fact, when I saw it appear in my pop culture social media feeds, I kinda rolled my eyes thinking “self-absorbed” and you know, generally “overexposed as usual.” Then the Bette Midler/KK twitter storm happened, and I gotta say: Kdash has a point. Why am I being so critical/judgey about a grown woman’s choice to do what she wants? Admittedly, in my younger years, I was all about being judgmental. Judgement was practically my middle name: why is she being so trashy; why is she celebrating sex rather than intelligence? Why is she objectifying herself? As I got older though, I started to come around. Perhaps I started to get a taste of my own judgey medicine, enduring the judgement of my parents, my relatives, and even my friends, regarding anything from my choices on profession, family, politics, philanthropy, attire and/or spending habits…

It’s one thing to be judged when you’re young and foolish (and obnoxiously self-righteous– been there, done that!), but it’s an entirely different thing to be judged as an adult. Sure, my parents didn’t hide their displeasure even as I entered my mid 30s: the child-free thing, the non-career job hopping thing, the living abroad, the casual attire (jeans!?!)… I suppose some part of me just came to expect their constant criticism, although by now after all the recent shit I’ve had to handle for them, they are finally letting up. I can’t necessarily say the same is true for my friends. Sure, I def went through a phase of you know, “hit me with the truth.” I don’t shy away from radical honesty, so at times, I ASKED for brutal honesty. I actively solicited the feedback. But issues arise when we disagree on our choices, and people start telling me what I ought to be doing or how I should be behaving AFTER I’ve already expressed that I’ve decided for myself. That’s when shit starts to get messy and irritating. And so for Kdash, I see her point. What she posts to her feed is her choice. If I don’t like it, I don’t have to follow it. On a related note: if Bette Midler were indeed friends with Kdash, does that mean Bette has to agree with Kdash on everything? I don’t think so, but apparently, Kdash expects complete agreement (maybe she interprets that as loyalty) from her friends. I think that part is kinda immature.

But let’s take a real example: politics and/or philanthropy. My top causes are the environment, women’s health, and medical/humanitarian services. Those are my core issues. I know the Bay Area is in the middle of a housing crisis. I know there is low supply, high demand, and sky high rent/purchase prices. Cost of living is through the roof. Clearly, this area is NOT affordable. But when I’m asked why I’m not attending town hall meetings or supporting rent control policy and legislation or whatever, it should be enough when I say that it’s not an issue that I want to spend my time/energy/resources on. My choice on what I prioritize shouldn’t be questioned, and I shouldn’t be harassed.

The bottom line is this: my parents are immigrants, so there’s no notion that you HAVE to live in any given place. I have lived in five different states and in two different countries. I know there is abject poverty in the US, but shit, there is a very different prevalence and intensity of poverty that I have seen in other parts of the world. I have never felt that any given city/place is my “rightful” home. In other words, I’m not entitled to live anywhere just because I grew up there or bc my family lives there or whatever. In Shanghai, people go where the jobs are. Housing is also crazy expensive, so people live in zero space with multiple roommates, or they live far away in the suburbs or somewhere else entirely. Sure, the Bay Area is well beyond affordable even for educated, yuppie professionals. If yups get priced out of the area, they should move. Isn’t this a natural progression for cities? They get expensive and people move away (but there are always people who can still afford to live there). I have seen this play out over and over again: Taipei, Shanghai, Tokyo. Life doesn’t guarantee anyone a home anywhere. And then with all the recent news attacking tech workers bc they are earning higher income. Why are tech workers obligated to support any given cause? I mean, sure, in general, civic participation is a good thing, but should it be mandatory? Should it be an expectation? And if tech workers, as high wage earners, have a responsibility to the community, what of the average American who is living in ridiculous extravagance compared to people in developing countries. And what about parents? Do they have an even greater responsibility or obligation to be involved in the process? After all, they have kids who are the future. Why aren’t they at all these meetings? Most parents I know don’t even keep up with the news, and shouldn’t they bc they actually are invested in the future? Who is to say?

You see, I’ve been on both sides of the judgement spectrum. How many times do people consider me selfish or insular for not having kids. It’s as if, I just want to live my own life and not care about other people or the community or the future. Partly true, but when Jennifer Aniston was harassed in yet another interview about being child-free, she countered, “just bc I don’t have kids doesn’t mean I don’t care/nurture people or friends or animals. There are many ways to demonstrate care…” Yeah people. Back the fuck up. Don’t act like you’re God’s greatest gift just bc you are raising a kid. I’ve always argued to my parents that kids aren’t a purely selfless act: at least for the Chinese people I know, kids are an investment in the parents’ own future– it’s their way of ensuring someone is around to take care of them when they’re old. Anyway, long story short, Kdash just really got me thinking about choices and judgement. I guess I’m saying it’s hard to have an opinion and yet refrain from being judgey. Still, I try my best to catch myself and to stay vigilant.

Pool Time in Palm Springs

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I was in Palm Springs last weekend meeting up with my friend G, who flew in from Seattle. The trip was brief, but we had a good time, hitting the food scene, raiding the outlets, and soaking up the rays by the pool and at the hot springs. We used to chat fairly regularly via phone, but now those catch ups are harder to coordinate, so it was nice to have a couple days to get back up to speed. Unfortunately, it’s always a bit disappointing to hear other people with their stories of workplace drama and bullshit. I know people say dickwads are everywhere, but I guess I just never want to believe it. Annoying. Family-wise though, it sounds like things are going well: the baby is getting big and learning new skills. They are enjoying their house, planning to renovate the basement, and gearing up for some travel. I have to say, G+J have always been really good about hitting places they want to go without procrastinating. J and I are trying to do more of that this year, with the whole “best life” theme and all. As a side note though, I do think it helps when both people in the couple are planners. Not that I’m jabbing at Bubbey, but I’m just saying: he gets decision fatigue from work; likewise, sometimes I get fatigued from handling all the household and travel/trip logistics. In the end, it works out fine, but there are just some roadblocks every now and then that seem to slow us down.

G was asking me about my bucket list, which I used to maintain online with Schemer until the app went kaput. I actually managed to find another version/copy on my iphone notes. It’s definitely been helpful for us at least in terms of picking out our destinations, but thinking about my bucket list also reminds me that I need to go back to writing out my new year resolutions. I used to do it, but then I stopped for no real reason. Those resolutions def helped keep me on track for the year, even if some shit would get done in the last two weeks of December!

Back to the trip: Overall, I was happy with how the visit panned out. Before my flight into Ontario (much cheaper than PSP and only 70 min away!), the forecast had called for mostly wind and rain. But once we got in town, we lucked out with several hours of sunshine every day and really, it only started to rain heavily on our last day AFTER we were already done with the spa and hot springs and headed for the airport. Oh, at the hot springs spa, I got a deep tissue massage. Goddamn, I’ve had a lot of strong-handed masseuses, but this dude was way intense. Hurt like hell, and I think my wrists are bruised today. I did ask him to lighten up for the bottom half, but initially, you know me: I’m always wanting to test my threshold. The guy did say that my muscles were crazy tight. “What kind of crazy, stressful life are you living?” Um, I dunno. I’m not even working right now. WTF?! Whatever, chock it up as a physical manifestation of my insomnia and usual overthinking. Then again, he probably just says that to every client. I tried to call him on it, but he insists he was being honest. He did recommend that I exercise more regularly. Maybe he felt a lot of jiggly spots. 😛

I def recommend PSP for a quickie weekend destination. Short flight out of SJC, there’s the mid-century modern architecture (though we didn’t cover too much of that on this trip), outdoor options (Joshua Tree or Indian Canyon), hot springs and spas, outlets, and the food is pretty good. Sure, being in the middle of the desert with a gabillion golf courses sucking up crazy amounts of water feels rather strange and counter-intuitive, but shit, there is nothing like sunshine and pool time. And thankfully, the place we stayed was 1) child-free and 2) had 24-hr. pool and hot tub access. Seriously, I must have gone for a soak/dip 3 times in one day. Live it up while you can, baby. Although now that I think of it, our lives at home meet both of those requirements already. Well, no pool. 😉

Big Bday

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Bubs turned 40 this week. We always say that we’re so old and have been together so long, that we’ve run out of gifts to buy, so let’s just focus on experiences… and then last minute, we think of things to buy! This year, with the completion of the garage cabinets and general household organization, Bubs mentioned getting a tool chest. I enlisted the expertise of K’s beau D (a certified builder of many things) and whatdya know, he pointed me to a very affordable heavy-duty system. After a couple of hours of price checking, reading reviews, and conducting my usual overkill on product research, I was ready to buy and deliver. Goddamn, Amazon Prime’s got me spoiled! I gotta wait until mid March? Nope, not gonna work. So then, I decided to pick that shit up in store. Well, not sure if you’ve noticed, but Sears stores are few and far between. Next, check stock. The only store with stock for immediate pickup? 30 minutes away in SJ. Not terribly far but still some distance. My mistake? I foolishly thought that I could fit a set of rolling drawers + a top tool chest in a 4-door sedan. Mind you, I showed up and the guy looked at me like I was totally insane. But you know me: VG is a persistent beotch. “Maybe if I move the passenger seat or we take it out of the box…” After a few minutes of my shenanigans, we got the top chest into the front of my car. No luck with the rolling drawers.

Thank goodness for friends with trucks, man! After lamenting my issue, K immediately enlisted the help of D, who promptly agreed to pick up the drawers and deliver them to my house that night!! Damn, these people move fast! By 9p, we had the whole system set up in the garage! Thanks K+D!! Granted, I specifically bought the system that only required assembling the cart handle and the wheels (The Seville brand systems require like 3 hrs. of assembly!). And of course Bubs and I don’t read instructions, so we installed the wheels without first putting on the flanges. Duh. One of these days, we’ll learn. I think Bubs is pretty happy, and I’m pleased too: went through Upromise AND got both items on major sale. Hee, hee.

So his bday has quietly been a multi-day celebration. The day before, he got his tool chest. The day of, his Timberland chukkas arrived just in time (thank goodness for Amazon free shipping/returns!). I’ve been trying to get him to like Timberland shoes for years, and he finally warmed up to them. For dinner, I bought a pricey hunk of USDA prime steak (Thanks M for treating us to Schaub’s!!) and paired that with scallops for my home version of “Surf and Turf.” The sear on the scallops wasn’t very good bc I used a nonstick instead of cast iron, but the NuWave did a pretty awesome job on the ribeye. I swear, I need to go into sales and marketing for that damn appliance. Truth be told, the flavor via NuWave is more similar to how Bubs and I both grew up eating steaks– cooked in the oven broiler or via toaster oven. Tasty, but the flavor when cooked on the open flames of a grill are better. My family freaks out about consuming any amount of char (contains cancer-causing compounds), but damn, there is nothing better than those crispy, black, flavor crystals. Now I know for next time. Grill best, NuWave second best.

In the last week, I’ve definitely been feeling a roller-coaster of emotions, triggered by our own aging and just having a lot of solo time to overthink life, work, friendships, everything. But one thing that made me feel better about myself was just this thought that I can actually cook now. I’m not a master chef like Bubs, but fuck man, I can consistently make several tasty dishes. And sure, sometimes I use shortcuts like ready-to-eat Costco salads and straight-pour pesto sauces, but heck, my shit is not just edible, it’s tasty. And it’s decent enough that I feel fine about feeding it to other people!! I’ve come a pretty long way, so I gave myself a pat on the back for my progress… and thank fucking goodness for the NuWave and pressure cooker. Life-changing, I tell ya.

Lessons in Long Beach

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Empathy and tough love. My friend P. We’re good friends, maybe even kinda like sisters (though I don’t have a real blood sister to truly compare), and yet after a weekend together, I’m feeling a bit tired and eager to get home. I think what drains me and perhaps reinforces just how moderate of an extrovert I truly am, is the emotional support and frequent feedback. I mean, being a friend is hard work!

She’s at a stressful time in her life. Both of us are women right at 40 or the cusp of 40, so I get all the expectations we and others have for us at this point in our lives. We’re supposed to be confident, settled, accomplished, certain (and of course, still beautiful, intelligent, in shape, whatever…). P and I both made choices that led us down different, somewhat circuitous and unconventional paths, so maybe we lost some time. Then again, no one, including ourselves, really gives a shit about the why. Maybe we’re just in this phase of feeling disappointed and somewhat mournful: we failed to attain our goals by this preset (and yet totally arbitrary) timeline.

So we were in somewhat sullen moods, but it was good to spend time together. And we did a lot this weekend: we walked along the beach (88 degrees!!), did yoga in the park, went out downtown, made dumplings, toured her campus, met up with friends… Sometimes though, our differences (I’m still a misfit after all) frustrate me. Throw into that, some cultural influences, and I just feel unsettled. See, there I go again, always wanting things to be so damn black and white.

So P and I had this discussion on Sunday about communication. What if a guy contacts you the day of to see you later that day. Do you agree to see him, or turn him down, saying you have plans even if you don’t? Huh? Is this a real question? I mean, if I want to see someone and I honestly have zero plans, I go.

Oh hell no! He can’t think a lady is just waiting around for him, being all available. If he wants to date me, he needs to put thought into it and schedule it and make plans.

Is it just me, or wtf??? I mean, shit. You didn’t have plans. And maybe you should have made the plans if that’s what you wanted. But you didn’t initiate so now someone else does and you’re being critical bc he didn’t plan ahead?? That expectation shit just drives me insane. Stop playing silly games! Life is complicated enough. Saying yes or initiating a meet up doesn’t make you desperate or cheap or easy, unless you go over there and are desperate, cheap, and easy. And then this insistence on complication isn’t even limited to romantic relationships. It often gets applied to friendships too. Who among you are living like this?? Another example: P and I made plans for brunch with her friends who are also good acquaintances of mine. They bailed last minute and P was annoyed that they backed out of plans. It’s brunch, who cares, but she was kinda stressed on how and what to respond. I’m like, we still go to brunch and if they can’t go, we’ll see them another time. Done. She claims her reaction is cultural: if you commit to something, you don’t back out. Um, except that Latinos are notorious for being late, so um, maybe if you commit to something, you should also respect people’s time?? Doesn’t make sense to me. And honestly, I don’t even know why I’m getting so frustrated by this, but I am. Actually, I kinda feel like I’m talking to my mother.

Later, another friend of P’s invites her and a third person to salsa Saturday night. The third person can’t go, so P says if she were organizing, she would coordinate a different time so everyone could make it, whereas the organizer in this case just said, “Ok, sorry we’ll miss you!” Done. P was kinda surprised by how easy/nonchalant the reaction could be. Obviously, friendships run the gamut:  there ARE different tiers but shit, it’s just plans for a Saturday night among three local friends. I’m not going to accommodate every single person every single time. It’s NOT that important. Even for like a wedding. Do you ask all the guests if they can go and then move the date if they can’t? No. This is the date. Join if you can, but the show goes on regardless. Am I missing something here?

Maybe this hits on issues of inclusion. As someone who spends a lot of time alone, P wants to be included. I get that. I have been excluded, shunned, uncool, bullied, left out. But at the same time, should the expectation be that others are responsible for including her? No. Change your paradigm about inclusion/exclusion, or initiate your own activities to build your tribe. You don’t get to be passive and then blame others for lacking consideration or empathy. Ugh. Sometimes I think there is just too much hand holding and baby gloving with relationships.

So yeah, these conversations bugged me, bc we didn’t see eye to eye and something about her stance just felt so unnecessarily limiting. It really reminded me of my mother and how she used to always criticize me for being too dominant or straightforward in my relationships. “Guys want to play the game! Guys want the thrill of the chase.” Uh ok, but I’m not a hunted animal. It was as if she wanted to shame me into being demure and passive. Again, perhaps these are different cultural constructs of gender roles? Ultimately, I think P is just wanting to be true to herself and comfortable in her own skin. Fair enough. But if your way isn’t working and you aren’t getting the outcomes you desire, you have to change your approach. Radical honesty, bitches!

Vegas to the Homestretch

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Overall, my dad’s visit went much better than expected. I think he had a good time, and I’m pleased with the level of travel and activities we did outside of the house. We parted ways the day after MLK, with dad flying straight home from Vegas and John and me back to the Bay Area. Of course, the day before, John commented that he wanted to touch down before noon rather than after noon, so we switched our itinerary to fly out earlier. As it turned out, SFO was getting another dousing of rain, so our flight got delayed. Thankfully, I moved fast and asked the gate agent about flying into SJC instead. It was 6:50a, and she switched us for free to a 7:15a flight. So yeah, we headed out of Sin City early, in time to be back behind our desks by 9a. Workaholics, man. They CANNOT be helped.

Most people say their final week on the job is super lax. Unfortunately, not my experience. Last time I ditched The Man, the last week was crammed up to the wire with me training my interim replacement. Same deal this time. The interim was a previous staffer from a different department. She crashed my office, and we spent my last week practically attached at the hip. Ok, not that bad but there was a TON of info transfer, and my final days were intense. She’s a cool lady, and interestingly, we are both ESTJ. She was all surprised to learn I am an E. I’m full of surprises, woman. Don’t try to put me into a box! Haha.

I feel good about the systems I implemented and how I organized my files. The overlap period was helpful, and I have full confidence that everything will be fine. On Thursday, I had lunch with the Cool Club at the office. Who doesn’t enjoy a love fest? Then on Friday morning, my boss organized an office-wide goodbye breakfast. That was really thoughtful and nice too. I said a few words, cried a few tears, etc. Of course, the interim AVP was in the office but didn’t join, which I’m actually glad about bc my words of gratitude didn’t apply to her anyway! I definitely didn’t make the same strong connections here like I did at the previous workplace (in part, bc I was only here 15 months instead of 6 years), but there are still a lot of good people, and it pisses me off when they are mistreated and disrespected.

In the afternoon, I had my exit interview with HR. In typical Vix fashion, I had a lot to say. I tried my best to come across thoughtful (rather than spiteful), intelligent, and compelling. I only met with the HR analyst for 30 min, but she acknowledged that I had put a lot of time into my feedback. I gave her a verbal summary, and she said up until now, she hadn’t heard a thing about our department. She said my charges sounded quite serious, and she would read my file more closely and escalate to the head of HR.  But she also said that right now, it was still just one person’s viewpoint against another’s. I assured her that my sentiments went beyond just me, but I understood her position. Unless people go forward, I’m just one person who perhaps has a beef with another. I suggested a 360 review to ask the staff about their thoughts on the recent leadership changes, and she seemed receptive. I hoped that she would understand the gravity of the situation, as I was departing NOW without another job and without obtaining my retirement benefit at the 2-yr mark. She said that spoke volumes, and she promised me she would spend the time to look into this.

As I drove home, I was overcome by emotion. Despite my defiance in taking such a strong stance, there is a part of me that understands there may be consequences to my radical honesty. My file will be read by my immediate boss and by the interim AVP, since she is my boss’ boss. Maybe she will contact me or approach me or blackball me among her very wide circle of influence. There was an incident in the office this last week where she physically approached my colleague who was asking questions and not backing down. This was during a department meeting, so witnessed by multiple people. I wasn’t there, but the act of her getting into my colleague’s face definitely touched off a storm in the office. To me, her move sounded like physical intimidation, so maybe it’s not completely outlandish that she would approach me somewhere and get in my face… 

And what if HR did in fact send out a 360 review? Would my coworkers actually take the time to be honest with their feedback? Or would I just end up looking like an unruly child, making unwarranted claims, coming across like someone with authority issues? After I got home, I climbed into bed. Why do assholes get away with this kind of behavior? Why do people not speak up and defend themselves? Why had I not even approached the AVP in person to give her a piece of my mind? Goddamn, maybe I hadn’t done enough or maybe what I had done was all out of order??

When John called, I said all these things, and he just kept telling me to let it go. I wrote what I had wanted to say and now the rest is out of my control. He said there was zero chance the AVP would contact me upon seeing my criticism. He also said he doubted anything would happen for the department. Institutions like that are systemically flawed. They don’t have the right people or mechanisms in place to enact real change and make things better.  His comments reminded me of a coworker who was so surprised that I had bothered to write any real feedback in my exit form. He too said he had zero faith that any of the effort would result in anything.

This is what I mean when I say that I’m just dumb, naive, and unfit for this life. Why do these people understand so easily that this is sometimes how the world works: You have asshole bosses and they get away with shit, and you either accept that or you leave. If you leave, you save yourself and you remove yourself from the bad situation. 

People who stay have their reasons. Clearly, the situation is tolerable for them. It’s not anyone’s job to try and change the environment for people who are ok with it. That same coworker wrote me an email after I got home that said I cared too much and I worked too hard. And then I just felt sad, disappointed, defeated, unsophisticated, and flawed. I went to bed.

The next day, I felt better knowing that no matter what, I didn’t have to return to that place come Monday. I wouldn’t have to be pushed and angered on a daily basis anymore. And I realized that my naïveté was probably what gave me the determination to walk away from this toxic place, to resume a search in the face of uncertainty. So just as my college roommate spent 20+ years finding her spouse, I am spending more time and energy towards finding my workplace “match.” And ultimately, I know I am blessed to exercise choice.