Capacity

In my last post, I detailed a plan for getting myself out of my current funk. I intend to follow the plan, but that doesn’t necessarily stop the overthinking. Haha. On the flight to the East Coast this morning, I was thinking about my own capacity. Why have I felt so on edge these last few months? Am I feeling burdened or troubled by more factors than usual, or has my tolerance and patience decreased without me knowing?

The thing is, I don’t feel optimistic about the future. Increasingly, I find myself dreading all the inevitable things coming down the pipeline. Am I being morbid? Maybe. My grandparents are aging, my in-laws, my parents, Martin… I worry about how I will handle all of this. If I am already flipping out about the combination of work, Martin (with non-life threatening issues), my friend N, my funk, J’s funk, the goddamn NuWave oven going kaput (more on that later), holiday logistics, etc… how the hell am I going to deal with stuff when the REAL shit hits the fan? Will I discover new capacity, or will I completely lose my mind? OMFG. I really am morphing into my mother. And yes, that is a horrible, awful thing. Why? Because she allows fear to paralyze her. Fear stops her from finding solutions. Fear stops her from discovering, from learning, from living. Maybe statements like this aren’t cool to say out loud. I’m sure moms out there are taking offense. I acknowledge that parenting is a shit ton of work, and sure, let’s applaud these women for their effort. But as one of my friends once said, trying to be a good parent doesn’t necessarily equate to being a good parent. By the same token, trying to be a good daughter doesn’t equate to being a good daughter. I suppose the simplest way to say this is that my relationship with my mother is complicated.

Speaking of co-dependence, on the drive to the airport this morning, my car started shaking at high-speed. In the last week, my Honda Civic hybrid definitely started driving jerkier than usual, but I didn’t think much of it. After all, I take it in pretty regularly for the oil changes, maintenance, etc. It’s kinda just always been a shitty ride. Two days ago though, the shaking grew more intense, and I made a mental note to tell J. Well, in the holiday hustle, I completely forgot.

So this morning, before the crack of dawn, we loaded my car and headed for the airport. As soon as we got on the highway, the car started vibrating. J was like, “This is not right. Why didn’t you say anything? We should have taken my car.” Well, we had already left the house a ways, so let’s just get to the airport. The shaking intensified, but then subsided once we got to Burlingame. I made a comment that the shaking went away, and literally, seconds later, there was a really loud cycling noise and what sounded like parts flying off the car. Less than a mile from our airport parking garage, we pulled over with a blown out flat tire. So yup, there we were on the side of the highway at 6a on Christmas Eve. I’d never gotten a tire blowout before, so I was immediately thinking, shit, we’re going to miss the flight, because I dunno how to change a tire and I gotta call roadside for that shit. In my panic, I called T. J was like, “We’ll change it. They can’t do anything for us.” Sorry T, premature call! So J starts pulling all our luggage out of the trunk and moving it to the back seat. Like a total dumbass, I’m standing next to the car on the side with cars speeding by at 80 mph. I was such a useless piece. After a bit of fumbling around, I busted out the manual to figure out how to remove the damn hubcab and use the jack. Turns out, we didn’t even use the jack right until the very end, but whatever, we got the donut on. And holy shit, we made our flight with time to spare. Thank goodness for Bubbey!

Afterwards though, I was a little freaked out, you know? Like what would have happened if I were alone? I could have lost control of the car and gotten into an accident. Or I would have been stranded roadside, waiting for AAA to come help. Fucking no survival skills!!! WTF?? I mean, it is what it is. I guess now I know how to change a tire. Still, I was all disturbed feeling like a lame girl. Ugh. Ok fine, get over it.

Meanwhile, J is already insisting that this is a sign I need a new car. It’s true. From the beginning, this first hybrid by Honda has been a disappointment. Still, I was committed, plus I just didn’t want to go car shopping. You see, I had researched a car for my dad and a car for my grandfather… I was just over it. Clearly, procrastination is real. But now, it’s time to confront the issues that must be addressed. Maybe after we get back to town. Get ‘er done. The holiday adventure begins right?

Fighting the Funk

I’ve been in a total funk lately. Just two months ago, I was all bright-eyed and cheery about landing my new job. Then the job started, and I quickly grew overwhelmed by the pressure of having to constantly produce content and for a very broad audience. Being at a religious institution, surrounded by college students, I also felt really out of place for the environment and for the job. In turn, that led to a major crisis in confidence, and since then I’ve been battling to get back on even footing.

The thing about change is that you grow to expect the unexpected. After the past year, I consider myself a seasoned pro– someone who even gravitates towards and actively seeks change. Well, apparently not. I really questioned whether this misfit would eventually work itself out.

The good news is, after putting in a shit ton of extra hours and effort early on, I queued up content for my trip to Asia in November, got back, and then resumed pounding the pavement. By December, I was feeling better, like I was maybe getting the hang of things. But just as I was starting to acclimate at work, anxiety and depression started creeping in. Everyday, SOMEthing compounded my growing negativity. Last time, I wrote about the disheartening news about N. I’m annoyed now because more than a week later, I have yet to speak with her. Part of the problem is the East Coast-West Coast time zone difference. Also, last week I had a lot of work-related events after hours. Still, she just isn’t answering the phone. And that pisses me off. Yes, I know firsthand that people withdraw when they are in a funk. After all, who wants to burden others with his/her woes, right? On the other hand, I don’t like feeling blown off, and you know me with my “friendship cultivation.” Anyway, her situation causes emotional distress: the problem-solver part of me wants to find a solution; the friend part of me requires her interaction and participation to talk it through; the depressed part of me wants to just let it all go. Fuck the world. Jekyll and Hyde, anyone??

These last few weeks, I’ve been feeling a sense of danger, like internally, a red flag is going up. There have been multiple moments where I have felt frustration and anger bubbling inside. I describe the bubbling as “rage,” but my friend T says rage is an outward, uncontrollable blindness. In these instances, I have never erupted, but I feel super unsettled inside, like I’m nearing an edge. Am I about to completely lose my shit and go mental? I dunno. Some days it really seems possible! So here’s the plan moving forward.

First things first: I’m cutting back with work. In the last week, especially with the holidays and all, I’ve definitely noticed a lot of slacking off at the office. The holidays don’t really have that kind of an effect on me, because I dunno, I guess I’m usually not that holiday-spirited, but still, I made sure to attend all the “fun” staff holiday events. I need to chill the fuck out, after all. Also, I considered these good opportunities to bond with people I currently know/like, while also familiarizing myself with potential allies in other departments. Two birds, one stone, baby. Truth be told, I am still clocking in extra hours, but it’s definitely curtailed, so go me! The other good thing (a pleasant surprise) is, I’m now pretty good friends with two people in my department– sadly, one is leaving but the other one started two weeks after me, so we’re newbies together. Both are very funny and super knowledgeable about media, marketing, and pop culture. They say they are also game for karaoke, so I’m very thrilled to add to my karaoke posse.

Second, I’m finally moving my ass more. I know exercise is one of life’s little secrets, and shit my bud M is so disciplined with it. I’m not yet back to doing the 7 Minute workout, but I am walking more on campus and taking the pups on extended walks. The plan is to reintroduce 7 Min very soon.

Third, now that Martin’s tests have all come back normal, we’ve been troubleshooting his trembling, anxiety, and spooking. We had a weird suspicion last week that maybe he was hearing some kind of electronic device that was inaudible to us. So one night, we unplugged a bunch of things in the house: the wine fridge, the laser printer, the dropcams, a bunch of stuff. Whaddya fucking know? He slept through the night. We continued the test for two nights (same results) and then slowly brought the electronics back online one by one. For the most part, all of us are sleeping better through the night. I still get up around 2-3a to use the bathroom, and last night, Martin was pacing again, but hopefully, he was just anxious because he saw all of our luggage out. I’m always fascinated by how dogs piece together those patterns. Anyway, I still feel like I have a sleep deficit to overcome, but my goal is to be all even Steven by the new year. And with decent sleep, I will be ready to conquer the world. Muhahaha.

Fourth, I’m bringing back the hobbies. Last week, I busted yuki out for the first time in over a year. I realized recently that there is a part of me that’s very “all or nothing” about skills and hobbies. I have to be making noticeable progress of some kind; otherwise, I don’t want to invest the time. This is an attitude I’d like to change. My friend J once remarked, “Why are you taking riding lessons? Who cares about the techniques? You love to ride. Just take the horse out and ride!” His comment kinda took me aback when he said it, but thinking back, he might really be on to something. I had been so obsessed with the technique– the beats, the rhythm and counts, the correct diagonal, the exact right nudge at the precise part of the horse… A mild case of perfectionism, maybe? I see his point, and I actually think it boils down to the absence of mindfulness. I rarely enjoy moments for their own sakes. Everything is some sort of means to an end. I would like to be more mindful.

In that vein, I bought myself a new karaoke system last weekend. I’d been missing karaoke for a long time, and even though I love the KTV house in Cupertino, the place doesn’t allow any alcohol or outside food. I mean, I don’t need booze to have fun, but my friends do (ha!), plus what’s a party without food and drink? Whatever, I did a little bit of research and discovered that a new system is on the scene– made by the creators of Guitar Hero. I found the system in store locally and bought the system the very next day. Yes, I have already clocked in several hours of solo singing. Haha! Slowly but surely, my plan for recalibration WILL work.

Irreversible

We hear it a billion times. Nothing is more important than health. Well this afternoon, I got some really disappointing news about my buddy N. She’d been doing AMAZEBALLS, especially in the last year– having lost a shit ton of weight, exercising, going out, experiencing a life she’d never really lived… For the first time ever, she was happy, like really, truly happy. I visited her a year ago in fall and then again last summer in June. I was so relieved that things were finally looking up for her.

Then I remember two months ago in October, when I emailed all my peeps announcing my new position, I never heard back from her. I kinda thought it was weird, and a part of me even thought selfishly, WTF? I finally have good news, and you don’t care?

Well, today I spoke with her mother, who had called last week to see how we were faring with the Pineapple Express. Turns out, N threw out her back in October. She was on a total roll– swimming, playing tennis, working out, and somehow doctors suspect that the physical exercise caused her spinal cord to start coming out of the spine, and the rubbing against the bone (or something else) causes excruciating pain. Her mother didn’t know the exact term for the condition, but it’s really bad. So now N goes to work, but then pretty much she cannot move without suffering some kind of piercing pain. All evening activities are now shot: no gym, no going out, nothing. Doctors did a CAT scan last week, and they are waiting to hear more, but the solution likely involves back surgery, and the chance of success for the particular operation is only 50/50.

N is a medical person, and her mother says she’s very worried about the options and the procedure. The exercising and healthy lifestyle have now ground to a complete halt, and she is overeating again. So just like that, the progress that took years in the making is receding and is exacerbated by shitty insurance and very expensive medical bills. Her mother doesn’t sound good either: she’s frustrated, discouraged, afraid, and stressed. I will be calling N to get the full scoop from her. I’m hoping the situation is not as dire as it sounds. But fuck! I think about how so many people live their lives spending time chasing things that in the end aren’t even important. Yet we insist on spending our time and energy in that way. Why? So many unhappy, miserable people, procrastinating with self-care and for what? I’ve been such a dumbfuck these last few months. Why is it so goddamn important and absolutely critical that I bust my ass and kick butt at work… to the point of letting all other things that help maintain my own mental health and sanity fall to the wayside? Why do I do that? Why did my father do that? Why do so many people work in jobs that are killing them?

There’s no denying that money is important, because after all, medical shit is crazy expensive. But maybe if we were better to ourselves in the first place, we wouldn’t have to search desperately for ways to repair problems that have ballooned due to years of neglect. I don’t really know if these current back issues are attributed to N having been overweight for a very long time. Sometimes though, health feels a lot like time: lost time is gone forever. It cannot be made up. I think of those Hollywood celebs who abused their bodies for so long with alcohol, drugs, smoking, whatever. You can only get back so much with new habits and/or money. Some of the damage is just irreversible.

Many years back, my aunt had gotten into a car accident, and the other driver was severely injured, requiring multiple surgeries, etc. My aunt made some comment about her bad luck– getting into this accident that was costing her so much money. And my grandfather said, “You can earn more money. That person will never be able to have full range of his arms again.” For some reason, this also makes me think of all the protests, looting, and rioting happening in response to Ferguson and Eric Garner. People complain about the store damage, the broken glass, the vandalism, etc. While I don’t agree with property damage as a tactic of protest, I do feel strongly that things can be replaced or repaired. But those lives– they really are gone forever.

Worry Wart

Since when did I become such a goddamn worry wart? Seriously. Ok fine, don’t answer that, because yes, I know I have always suffered from some bit of neuroses. I am my mother’s daughter after all…

To come clean, these last few weeks have been an ongoing struggle. I suppose when I go into quiet mode, it’s usually fair indication that shit is going down. Ok, maybe that’s sounding a bit too dramatic. But I’ve definitely been feeling very troubled by the world. Now more than ever, I need to follow news as part of my job– you know, being all up on stuff, but shit. Some days the weight almost prevents me from getting out of bed. I know, red flag right? Ugh. I need to give EAP a call. First, it’s just news all over, riddled with violence, manipulation, annoying self-righteous people who inflict harm on others. Then I just can’t seem to get myself into a groove. Work-life balance has totally gone to shit. The other day, I was so thrilled to take my scooter for a spin onto campus. I was meeting someone in the arts and sciences building, and seriously, I arrived all huffing and puffing. For like less than a mile’s distance. Maybe 1 1/2 miles max. I’m not sleeping well, I’m not exercising, I’m not blogging, I’m not doing friend stuff… I’ve seriously fallen off the wagon. And then Martin is having issues again. WTF. Fussy eating again plus nighttime anxiety. PLUS, I am having trouble securing doggie care for the winter break. Fuck me. I have asked SIX people. He’s muddying his nose all the damn time. He hops on and off the bed and cannot seem to get comfortable. Sometimes I think to myself, “When am I going to catch a fucking break?” And then I feel absolutely ridiculous for thinking such a thing… in my secure life of privilege.

Job-wise, I think my boss is happy with me so far, but I worry daily about performing, about accomplishing and achieving to the level I’m used to. Some part of me feels like my cultural illiteracy is a huge detriment to curating content that jives with college kids. I don’t watch much tv, and I’m not a fan of memes. WTF? The other part of me doesn’t even give a fuck about meshing with millennials. Dealing with seasoned, experienced adults seems so much more worthwhile. And I struggle with the larger theme about society’s evolution towards binge info consumption… people are processing and filtering info without even consciously registering much if it. The young brains work in different ways these days. Maybe I’m just feeling old and stubborn and resistant. On top of all this, one of the cool coworkers on my team announced Friday that she is leaving. I’m really happy for her, and maybe none of it is really that surprising. Still, I’m pretty damn bummed.

Of course, all of that said, I am still trying. I’m putting in after hours to try and understand more. And my boss is really supportive.

Well, no choice but to keep it together.

Back in Action Post-Asia

The last several weeks, I had every intention of resuming a regular schedule of blogging. For some reason though, my days have felt rather endless, and my mind is too muddled to come up with any content that is cohesive or articulate.

We returned from Asia, and this first week back went ok. I’m back to scouring for content 24/7, and I’ve also started taking a closer look at metrics. My boss and I hosted a web-based social media conference where we invited social media counterparts from all over campus. The conference speakers were really good… they showcased a lot of innovative campaigns and such that other universities have implemented with great success. I learned a lot from the case studies, and I also enjoyed meeting some of my peers elsewhere on campus. That said, I’m feeling the pressure to come up with new ideas and creative ways of harnessing social media. Honestly, I dunno what tricks I’m going to pull out of my hat, but hopefully, ideas will come to me somehow.

I recently purchased a Razor scooter– an adult-sized one. I figured that it would be a great way to get me on campus more often. Interestingly, the senior VP came by my office the other day, and he said, “You know, I have a lot of kids (he has SIX actually), so I’m usually up on all the trends. I have to say though, I haven’t seen Razor scooters in a really long time.” Ugh, is that your way of telling me I’m out of date, because hell, I will be the first one to tell you I am always ten years behind on fads. Haha! Whatever though. I took that scooter out for a spin, and the thing runs fast. It’s definitely not as stable as I had expected, plus the thing is a little heavier than I had hoped, but dang, it sure is fun to ride! I was zipping around at the park, and Marty had to run just to keep up with me. I think this is going to work out well.

Speaking of getting on campus, The Blind Cafe was at the university yesterday. Basically, it’s an organization that puts on dinner in the dark activities with the goal of bridging the gap between the sighted and the blind. I was so curious about the concept, that I got tickets immediately. When I told John, he was not interested. Dinner in the dark with strangers? Nope, an introvert’s nightmare. So, I ended up going alone, but shit, while waiting for the event to start, I struck up a conversation with a really cool lady who is the spouse of a university staffer. Super fun lady, and as it turns out, we have a ton in common. She’s a deal hunter AND she and her hubby are also huge fans of the San Jose Improv. She also turned me on to an open mic spot with killer Cajun food. I hope we’ll meet up to catch a show together. What a random but pleasant encounter! Then, the dinner itself was such a mind-blowing experience. Blind wait staff led us, single file, hands on the shoulder of the person in front of you, into a pitch black room. We were lead to our seats at a table, and then we were off to feel and converse our way through the six tapas dishes and dessert.

Holy shit. First, I don’t even sleep in that level of darkness. The only other place even close to being that pitch black was the Grand Canyon but even then, there was some light from the stars. What a crazy thing to imagine and experience this glimpse of what it’s like to be blind and living in darkness. The food was just gourmet tapas, but it was interesting eating with our hands and tasting without seeing. Later, there was a Q&A session where diners asked the blind waitstaff questions. There are programs to train blind people about independent living but shit, that sounds so incredibly hard! For example, how do blind people remember people they’ve met without having the visual data? Lots of questions that I had never pondered before. After Q&A, there was live music. Yes, one of the key organizers also plays in a band!! The Blind Cafe was a really great experience. Admittedly, after being in complete darkness for 2.5 hours, I was so thankful to get back into the light…

Bright Lights, Big City

J and I picked Tokyo to follow our Taiwan trip, because we wanted a place to decompress post family time. Turns out, Tokyo isn’t quite the right city for that, because navigation/travel is so much harder there due to the language barrier. Even the address system is really confusing: buildings aren’t numbered in sequence along the street nor are they numbered odd on one side and even on the other!! On top of that, my T-Mobile data package there sucked, and wifi wasn’t readily available either… We were there over ten years ago, and somehow we forgot about this difficulty. Haha. Regardless, we tried our best to stay positive ;). Next time though, we’ll have to pick a city that’s a little more plug and play.

So, what did we do? Mostly, we walked around and browsed. We hit a bunch of stationery stores, stuffed our faces (even though we had already done a food safari in Taiwan), and sang karaoke. Then, the three days were over in a flash! When we returned home, my neighbor asked if we’d bought any pearls or silks or this or that… I guess I’ve been on a major shopping hiatus. I mean, I got a few small items, and Bubbey got notebooks and pens, and we bought whiskey and macaroons for his sister and her beau (for dogsitting). Other than that, we left Tokyo (and Taiwan) mostly empty handed. I think more than anything, I just don’t want to deal with clutter and having to make space for more stuff (especially after seeing my cousin’s spotless place!!).

We had a great time though just spending QT together. Tokyo is so bustling and alive. I mean, NYC is probably the only other city I’ve been to that compares: so many people up and out really late– young, old, the combo of the two (including sugar daddies with their sugar babies). But it’s not all big city, bright lights glam. Cities also have that raw underbelly. I saw all the “salarymen” decked out in their nice suits, looking all slim and trim. On the flip side, Japan has a serious problem with people dying from overworking. Yes, there’s even a term for it: karoshi, which is basically death from exhaustion. And there are other disturbing issues with sexism, xenophobia, a population that’s over half seniors, not to mention an economy that has struggled for two plus decades… While there, I got all reflective and shit about the meaning of life and all the hustling. I know, see why positivity is so damn hard for me? I overthink shit, and my mind takes me down these depressing paths…

That said, Tokyo was a good reminder for me to cherish my time with people I love and to not take my work so damn seriously all the time. I need to lighten up. Hence, I just purchased a Razor scooter online. Haha, I plan to ride it around on campus to be at one with the youngsters. Actually, I kinda have a thing for wheeled contraptions. I do think it’ll encourage me to go on campus more. We’ll see how it all pans out. Ha![FAG id=7427]

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

It’s been awhile since J and I traveled to Asia together: I visited the fam two years ago, and J was last there four years ago. Since 2009, I’d actually made a concerted effort to go back every year, but my last trip in 2012 was so damn annoying that I decided to take a break. This time around, I was feeling my usual dread about my upcoming “vacation.” I guess old habits die hard. Then, on the day of our departure, J and I had a talk about living with more positivity. So, we decided to make this trip an experiment and to be mindful about our negativity.

Eleven days later, I’m happy to report that having a better attitude changes many things. Overall, the trip went well. No arguments, no drama. Still exhausting as hell shuttling around from place to place, but the trip was pretty much as optimized as it could be. Taiwan has a great public transportation system, with the high-speed rail running almost the entire length of the island and metro systems in its two largest cities of Taipei and Kaohsiung. Transportation by car though, is a challenge. People drive super slow: the speed limit is only about 60 mph (compared to how J and I zip around way ABOVE the speed limit in Cali). And traffic is pretty bad, so even if distances aren’t far, shit takes forever. I won’t bore you with the play-by-plays, but we pretty much stayed at a different place every night, and each day, we spent at 3-5 hrs. in transit. The good news? My family is doing well. We had a good time hanging out with my parents, seeing their new house in Kaohsiung, visiting my relatives, and stuffing our faces along the way. I got my hair highlighted at a little shop in dad’s hometown. The hair appointments in Asia ALWAYS take double the quoted time. Haha. I was getting antsy sitting in that chair, burning up under the plastic sheet. The color and cut came out fine. Nothing superb, but good enough. Either way, it’s nice to wash my hair and not have the dye still come out like when I color at home. At the end of the week, my fav cousin drove us around to little food stalls and area landmarks. Three of my cousins also recently moved to new homes, so we did a lot of property visits, which I always enjoy. It’s like being on an HGTV show or something. Haha. 🙂 Nah honestly, it was great to see the standards of living going up from generation to generation. One of my cousins has two little boys, both under 3 and her place is so crazy ass immaculate. By the looks of it, I couldn’t even tell that people lived there! No knick knacks whatsoever on the surfaces and lots of cabinets for storage! Even all the kids toys were stuffed away in the kitchen cabinets. I want to get more organized.

My parents are doing ok. I am, however, noticing some things are starting to slip with my dad. He got our arrival date mixed up, so when we arrived in TPE airport, he thought we were due to arrive the next day. There were a few other things too, but I could also see that he’s just juggling too much right now. That shit happens to me also. When I’m managing too much, shit falls through the cracks (e.g. Verizon charges). And J and I were so exhausted shuttling all across the island… I can’t imagine how tiring it is for people in their late 60s and early 70s. My dad seriously needs to slow the fuck down.

Other news: We didn’t really interact much with my brother. Just a few minutes of conversation here and there. He didn’t travel with us at all when we went south, and on our last day in Taipei, he did his own thing. Just as well. This was the first time EVER that my parents said absolutely NOTHING about me giving him advice or trying to reconnect with him. Thank goodness. I think they are finally starting to see: there’s no point in arguing over someone who just doesn’t want to change.

A part of me does feel sad though about the deterioration of that relationship. Yet at the same time, I feel it’s something that just cannot be repaired. And for all parties involved, it’s just most civil to let things be. He tries to converse and engage, but the best I can do is maintain a civility and distance. There’s just too much pain and history. I don’t think he is malicious, but how does a selfish person become more giving and generous? It just doesn’t happen. My mother goes with him to some of the religious activities. I think she gets something out of it, so good for her. Her relationship with my dad is well, like most old married couples, I suppose. They are both just so damn naggy with one another. J joked that this trip really helped him understand some of my proclivities: the constant urgency and hustle from my father; the backseat driving style from my mother; the obsession with discounts (my dad is so thrilled to get half-off train/bus tickets for being a senior)… I try to learn what I can from watching my parents’ relationship. They love each other, but shit, they spend way too much time together. And, as I’ve observed before, I really hate how my mother is unable to do anything on her own… she’s so clearly codependent and over-reliant on my dad. Ah well, a different time, a different place, and different people. But when I see them, I definitely make mental notes and start immediate course corrections to nip that shit in the bud. To my credit, J says my nagging has definitely cut down A LOT. I give props to my therapist from two years ago for that. She really made me see how some of my standards were just arbitrary and yet super damaging to our relationship. Live and learn, baby!

On that happy note, here are pics from Taiwan.[FAG id=7424]

No Complaints

A couple of my friends recently became mothers.They’re a few months in now, and I have to say, despite all the horror stories I heard from other acquaintances about parenthood, my two buds Y and G haven’t complained yet. Rather, they are so thrilled and over-the-moon for their little bundles. Not that the others weren’t happy about becoming parents, but I just distinctly remember my coworkers and acquaintances bemoaning the sleep deprivation and round-the-clock care their little babies demanded. Maybe, as a child-free person, I only heard what I wanted to hear? I dunno, but based on those stories, I was pretty certain both buds were in for a very rude awakening.

When my friend said she was planning a weekend escape to Vegas with the hubby and new baby, I was skeptical. All the logistics: packing, plane travel, dining out, breastfeeding… really?? Thankfully, a week later, I was pleasantly surprised that baby’s first trip was a huge success. Instead of schlepping all the baby equipment, they just rented swings and shit. They ate out, they hung out by the pool, and the baby was fine. No out-of-control incidents. Wow. The disparity between my expectation and her reality got me thinking: are some people just major complainers (myself possibly included)? Do they just drum up drama everywhere they go? Eek.

I dunno, but curiously, both buds are physicians. Is there maybe something about the medical schooling, training, and the profession that focuses them away from the bullshit negativity and strictly towards solving problems and getting shit done? I see a similar trait in my father. Well, more so now than before I guess.

Is the difference attributed to personality and attitude? A month ago, on my trip to Seattle, I was probably talking about my job hunt, and G said something to the effect of, “Yes, but you like a certain bit of stress.” She ended up rephrasing, but I caught her drift. In some bizarre way, it’s almost as if I am driven to some extent by stress. I think her rephrasing was more just that I always have a baseline level of urgency.

That weekend, G was waking up every two hours to feed, her husband was already off of paternity leave and back to working full time… I was there right in the middle of a very busy and transitional time, and yet being in their home, I noticed very little visible frustration. Things still got done, the dog still got walked, and everything was calm. In my mind, I contrasted that to my home where John and I are frequently irritated with work, with people, with vendors, whatever. We sigh a lot and are visibly cranky and tired. Such a stark difference.

I’m nearly always stressed about something. Lately, it’s been about Marty, my dad’s condo, my new job, J’s job/stress, whatever. I often think back to when I was growing up: my dad worked insane hours for his job, which was already an intense profession, and then he still had a gabillion other things going on, plus he was helping his family back home with their debts and money issues. He never lost his shit with his parents or his siblings. He never dreaded or complained about helping them. I’m ALWAYS complaining about the tasks I do for my parents. Shouldn’t I just be happy to help? I’m eager and willing to help my friends, so why am I so begrudging with my parents?

The thing is, everyone has her issues and problems. That said, maybe life really is about how we handle these challenges. I need to divert my negative energy from worry and anger and frustration to more positive things like solving problems, making progress, and getting shit done. J warns that personality probably plays a big role in influencing this baseline urgency, so while I should definitely try to be more positive, I should also understand that I’ll never be as even-keeled as G. So true. Gotta manage those expectations, right?

For this trip, both J and I are actively trying to be more positive and constructive. I know, we’re still on the flight over, so it’s very early, practically premature. Interestingly though, the universe has already rewarded us with a pretty painless commute from Caltrain to Bart to AirTrain to SFO. Also, after we arrived at the terminal, twice we got moved to the front of a new line– cutting down on our wait time with ticketing and security. And then, we didn’t even have to go through the x-ray scanner. Looks like positivity has it privileges! The universe is answering us. Haha.

Cougar on Campus

So for my fourth week at work, I ventured onto campus a couple of times. You see, my office is actually across the street from main campus, so sadly, we’re not in the heart of the action. Anyway, I went to the student food court last Thursday. I went around 1p thinking it would be easy to grab a meal. Boy was I wrong. That was like peak time, and the lines for all the lunch spots were super long. No matter. I waited patiently. I tried to look around and get a sense for the kids. Goddamn they are young. Not very chatty either, even among themselves. Most kids had their faces buried in their phones, so I didn’t score any insightful comments or interactions.

After I got my food, I sat at a table outside in the courtyard. I had a very solitary lunch, but I sat at a table that was next to two female students. I overheard one complaining to the other about a mutual friend who was sick. She then went off on a tirade about how stupid the sick girl was for not heeding her advice to get the flu shot. Funny thing, I had just crafted a FB post about college kids being the worst age group for people not getting their flu shots. I kinda chuckled to myself: Yup, called it! I’m totally up with the current topics of conversation on campus. Haha.

Meanwhile, my boss has advised that I spend more time on campus after I return from my trip. She says it’s a great way to get my ears close to the ground. Is that the idiom? I’m actually thinking about purchasing a razor scooter, so I can easily zip on and around campus from my office. I’ve mentioned this to a few colleagues. They don’t seem impressed. Maybe a skateboard or long board will be more legit?

All In

OMFG, I haven’t written in AGES!! My last post was written at the end of week 1 of my new job, and now I’m on week 4!! Holy shit, coming up on a month there already!

Given my long silence, you’ve probably deduced that I am knee-deep in work. Which reminds me: my friend T, who served as a reference during the interview process, told my current boss, “V really spoiled us with her responsiveness and productivity.It was a rarity for her NOT to reply to our emails after hours or even while she was home sick. If she didn’t reply, we knew she was REALLY sick.” It’s kinda true. H1N1 is no fucking joke. I was out for a long while on that one. In general though, it’s not like I’m trying to be a superstar worker. Ok, kind of. But really, I just don’t like letting things sit. I like to be all caught up, you know? So yeah, for my peeps who have endured this multi-week silence on my blog, it pretty much means I’ve been in full-on job mode.

Here’s the thing though. At my previous jobs, I never really felt uncertain. This job? The boss and my coworkers are great, but I feel an unrelenting pressure. It’s possible some of the pressure is attributed to my long sabbatical, during which my confidence took repeated hits. Plus, I was out of the office environment for a long time.I don’t really know. John thinks it’s because I have daily deadlines with the postings.

Regardless, I felt overwhelmed being at an institution so much larger than my previous workplaces. And then, coming in without any history or affiliation with the university, there are so many moving parts (i.e., schools, centers, programs, and departments). But like I said, my boss is really good. In fact, she immediately came through signing me up for a ton of professional development opportunities, which we had discussed during my interview process. Interestingly, in between signing the offer and starting the job, I actually kicked myself for not getting any of the training budget details in writing. Thankfully, all of that is a moot issue. She even has me scheduled for a conference in Miami come April. Woot, woot!! My other coworkers are also really patient about my newbie status. So the pressure is mostly coming from me. You know, I’m impatient as hell. And I just keep shooting myself with that “second arrow,” worrying myself silly about ramping up and performing.

What is the second arrow? It’s something John and I learned in our mental skills training class at Stanford. Let’s say there’s a problem. I focus on solving the problem. That’s the first arrow– dealing with the immediate issue at hand. The second arrow comes from my mind fucking with me. So in this case, not only am I dealing with a very steep learning curve, but my mind (up until this week) just kept questioning and doubting my abilities. Of course, my counter to this is to work my ass off. I’m one month in, and I rarely leave the office before 6:30p despite getting in around 8a.

At night after I get home from the office, I hop on the computer again, scouring sites and news feeds searching for content and tinkering around with web metrics. The existing post schedule is pretty aggressive: on Facebook and Twitter, two posts a day; Instagram is one a day; then Pinterest and YouTube are secondary. I also manage two student interns, and that’s been a struggle. I’m realizing that student interns differ greatly from adult interns. I’m also trying to get a better feel for the vibe on campus… it’s dramatically different from my own college experience decades ago. So yeah, lots of thinking and learning. But also, a lot of extra baggage from the self-doubt and worry.

Yeah. By now, J is really sick of hearing, “I won’t make it past probation. They won’t want me to stay.” I know, I sound so damn dramatic, and how many times have I read/heard/written about women and their goddamn imposter syndrome, right??? I really should know better. Ugh. J reassures me, by reminding me that in my many years of working, I have zero instances of failing to perform. Fine. Gotta focus on the positive thinking.

Thankfully, I am finally feeling better at the start of week 4. The last two days, I queued up a bunch of posts. Of course, that padding is going to dissolve very quickly since I’m going to Asia for 10 days, and then the office is closed over Thanksgiving. But whatevs. I came up with like 25 new FB posts plus 18 Twitter posts so yay for me! The weird thing about social is that it never stops. It’s almost like retail: you have to push out content and stay open even on the weekends and holidays, because those are the times when people look at social. So yeah, I’m going to have to line up MORE content til December 1. I’m still learning about the audiences on the different channels. Last week, I posted a bunch of duds, meaning the posts didn’t score much traffic. The stats were pretty sad, but the numbers are shooting up this week. Hopefully, that means I’m settling in and finding my “voice.”

So tonight I’m taking a mini-break, stopping the content scrounging a little early to update my blog. After all, I know that my hobbies and activities and friendships are what sustain me and keep me balanced. Bad things happen when those things fall to the wayside. Been there, seen that.

What else. Last weekend, we booked our hotel for Tokyo finally. Yup, cutting it really close. I haven’t even looked at flights to Maryland for Christmas. Ugh. A bargain hunters nightmare.

In other news, Marty is doing better. I mean, he still gets spooked and is strangely picky with his eating, but I’m awaiting results from his urine culture from Sunday to see if the bladder and kidney infections have subsided following two months of antibiotics. He has also started a very irritating habit of spitting out his pills, even when I tuck them into those flavored treats called Pill Pockets. I get so frustrated when he spits out the pills. The ultimate annoyance though is that he never spits them out when John gives him the meds. We do it the same way, using the same treats and approach right before feeding his meal, and what. the. fuck? It’s racial!! Marty is a goddamn racist. After everything I have done for him. Let’s just hope he doesn’t pull this shit with Susan. And certainly when I get back, I’m not putting up with it.

Ok, I’m going to bed early tonight. I’ll try to resume a more regular posting schedule, for my own sanity if nothing else!