No Complaints

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A couple of my friends recently became mothers.They’re a few months in now, and I have to say, despite all the horror stories I heard from other acquaintances about parenthood, my two buds Y and G haven’t complained yet. Rather, they are so thrilled and over-the-moon for their little bundles. Not that the others weren’t happy about becoming parents, but I just distinctly remember my coworkers and acquaintances bemoaning the sleep deprivation and round-the-clock care their little babies demanded. Maybe, as a child-free person, I only heard what I wanted to hear? I dunno, but based on those stories, I was pretty certain both buds were in for a very rude awakening.

When my friend said she was planning a weekend escape to Vegas with the hubby and new baby, I was skeptical. All the logistics: packing, plane travel, dining out, breastfeeding… really?? Thankfully, a week later, I was pleasantly surprised that baby’s first trip was a huge success. Instead of schlepping all the baby equipment, they just rented swings and shit. They ate out, they hung out by the pool, and the baby was fine. No out-of-control incidents. Wow. The disparity between my expectation and her reality got me thinking: are some people just major complainers (myself possibly included)? Do they just drum up drama everywhere they go? Eek.

I dunno, but curiously, both buds are physicians. Is there maybe something about the medical schooling, training, and the profession that focuses them away from the bullshit negativity and strictly towards solving problems and getting shit done? I see a similar trait in my father. Well, more so now than before I guess.

Is the difference attributed to personality and attitude? A month ago, on my trip to Seattle, I was probably talking about my job hunt, and G said something to the effect of, “Yes, but you like a certain bit of stress.” She ended up rephrasing, but I caught her drift. In some bizarre way, it’s almost as if I am driven to some extent by stress. I think her rephrasing was more just that I always have a baseline level of urgency.

That weekend, G was waking up every two hours to feed, her husband was already off of paternity leave and back to working full time… I was there right in the middle of a very busy and transitional time, and yet being in their home, I noticed very little visible frustration. Things still got done, the dog still got walked, and everything was calm. In my mind, I contrasted that to my home where John and I are frequently irritated with work, with people, with vendors, whatever. We sigh a lot and are visibly cranky and tired. Such a stark difference.

I’m nearly always stressed about something. Lately, it’s been about Marty, my dad’s condo, my new job, J’s job/stress, whatever. I often think back to when I was growing up: my dad worked insane hours for his job, which was already an intense profession, and then he still had a gabillion other things going on, plus he was helping his family back home with their debts and money issues. He never lost his shit with his parents or his siblings. He never dreaded or complained about helping them. I’m ALWAYS complaining about the tasks I do for my parents. Shouldn’t I just be happy to help? I’m eager and willing to help my friends, so why am I so begrudging with my parents?

The thing is, everyone has her issues and problems. That said, maybe life really is about how we handle these challenges. I need to divert my negative energy from worry and anger and frustration to more positive things like solving problems, making progress, and getting shit done. J warns that personality probably plays a big role in influencing this baseline urgency, so while I should definitely try to be more positive, I should also understand that I’ll never be as even-keeled as G. So true. Gotta manage those expectations, right?

For this trip, both J and I are actively trying to be more positive and constructive. I know, we’re still on the flight over, so it’s very early, practically premature. Interestingly though, the universe has already rewarded us with a pretty painless commute from Caltrain to Bart to AirTrain to SFO. Also, after we arrived at the terminal, twice we got moved to the front of a new line– cutting down on our wait time with ticketing and security. And then, we didn’t even have to go through the x-ray scanner. Looks like positivity has it privileges! The universe is answering us. Haha.

Cougar on Campus

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So for my fourth week at work, I ventured onto campus a couple of times. You see, my office is actually across the street from main campus, so sadly, we’re not in the heart of the action. Anyway, I went to the student food court last Thursday. I went around 1p thinking it would be easy to grab a meal. Boy was I wrong. That was like peak time, and the lines for all the lunch spots were super long. No matter. I waited patiently. I tried to look around and get a sense for the kids. Goddamn they are young. Not very chatty either, even among themselves. Most kids had their faces buried in their phones, so I didn’t score any insightful comments or interactions.

After I got my food, I sat at a table outside in the courtyard. I had a very solitary lunch, but I sat at a table that was next to two female students. I overheard one complaining to the other about a mutual friend who was sick. She then went off on a tirade about how stupid the sick girl was for not heeding her advice to get the flu shot. Funny thing, I had just crafted a FB post about college kids being the worst age group for people not getting their flu shots. I kinda chuckled to myself: Yup, called it! I’m totally up with the current topics of conversation on campus. Haha.

Meanwhile, my boss has advised that I spend more time on campus after I return from my trip. She says it’s a great way to get my ears close to the ground. Is that the idiom? I’m actually thinking about purchasing a razor scooter, so I can easily zip on and around campus from my office. I’ve mentioned this to a few colleagues. They don’t seem impressed. Maybe a skateboard or long board will be more legit?

All In

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OMFG, I haven’t written in AGES!! My last post was written at the end of week 1 of my new job, and now I’m on week 4!! Holy shit, coming up on a month there already!

Given my long silence, you’ve probably deduced that I am knee-deep in work. Which reminds me: my friend T, who served as a reference during the interview process, told my current boss, “V really spoiled us with her responsiveness and productivity.It was a rarity for her NOT to reply to our emails after hours or even while she was home sick. If she didn’t reply, we knew she was REALLY sick.” It’s kinda true. H1N1 is no fucking joke. I was out for a long while on that one. In general though, it’s not like I’m trying to be a superstar worker. Ok, kind of. But really, I just don’t like letting things sit. I like to be all caught up, you know? So yeah, for my peeps who have endured this multi-week silence on my blog, it pretty much means I’ve been in full-on job mode.

Here’s the thing though. At my previous jobs, I never really felt uncertain. This job? The boss and my coworkers are great, but I feel an unrelenting pressure. It’s possible some of the pressure is attributed to my long sabbatical, during which my confidence took repeated hits. Plus, I was out of the office environment for a long time.I don’t really know. John thinks it’s because I have daily deadlines with the postings.

Regardless, I felt overwhelmed being at an institution so much larger than my previous workplaces. And then, coming in without any history or affiliation with the university, there are so many moving parts (i.e., schools, centers, programs, and departments). But like I said, my boss is really good. In fact, she immediately came through signing me up for a ton of professional development opportunities, which we had discussed during my interview process. Interestingly, in between signing the offer and starting the job, I actually kicked myself for not getting any of the training budget details in writing. Thankfully, all of that is a moot issue. She even has me scheduled for a conference in Miami come April. Woot, woot!! My other coworkers are also really patient about my newbie status. So the pressure is mostly coming from me. You know, I’m impatient as hell. And I just keep shooting myself with that “second arrow,” worrying myself silly about ramping up and performing.

What is the second arrow? It’s something John and I learned in our mental skills training class at Stanford. Let’s say there’s a problem. I focus on solving the problem. That’s the first arrow– dealing with the immediate issue at hand. The second arrow comes from my mind fucking with me. So in this case, not only am I dealing with a very steep learning curve, but my mind (up until this week) just kept questioning and doubting my abilities. Of course, my counter to this is to work my ass off. I’m one month in, and I rarely leave the office before 6:30p despite getting in around 8a.

At night after I get home from the office, I hop on the computer again, scouring sites and news feeds searching for content and tinkering around with web metrics. The existing post schedule is pretty aggressive: on Facebook and Twitter, two posts a day; Instagram is one a day; then Pinterest and YouTube are secondary. I also manage two student interns, and that’s been a struggle. I’m realizing that student interns differ greatly from adult interns. I’m also trying to get a better feel for the vibe on campus… it’s dramatically different from my own college experience decades ago. So yeah, lots of thinking and learning. But also, a lot of extra baggage from the self-doubt and worry.

Yeah. By now, J is really sick of hearing, “I won’t make it past probation. They won’t want me to stay.” I know, I sound so damn dramatic, and how many times have I read/heard/written about women and their goddamn imposter syndrome, right??? I really should know better. Ugh. J reassures me, by reminding me that in my many years of working, I have zero instances of failing to perform. Fine. Gotta focus on the positive thinking.

Thankfully, I am finally feeling better at the start of week 4. The last two days, I queued up a bunch of posts. Of course, that padding is going to dissolve very quickly since I’m going to Asia for 10 days, and then the office is closed over Thanksgiving. But whatevs. I came up with like 25 new FB posts plus 18 Twitter posts so yay for me! The weird thing about social is that it never stops. It’s almost like retail: you have to push out content and stay open even on the weekends and holidays, because those are the times when people look at social. So yeah, I’m going to have to line up MORE content til December 1. I’m still learning about the audiences on the different channels. Last week, I posted a bunch of duds, meaning the posts didn’t score much traffic. The stats were pretty sad, but the numbers are shooting up this week. Hopefully, that means I’m settling in and finding my “voice.”

So tonight I’m taking a mini-break, stopping the content scrounging a little early to update my blog. After all, I know that my hobbies and activities and friendships are what sustain me and keep me balanced. Bad things happen when those things fall to the wayside. Been there, seen that.

What else. Last weekend, we booked our hotel for Tokyo finally. Yup, cutting it really close. I haven’t even looked at flights to Maryland for Christmas. Ugh. A bargain hunters nightmare.

In other news, Marty is doing better. I mean, he still gets spooked and is strangely picky with his eating, but I’m awaiting results from his urine culture from Sunday to see if the bladder and kidney infections have subsided following two months of antibiotics. He has also started a very irritating habit of spitting out his pills, even when I tuck them into those flavored treats called Pill Pockets. I get so frustrated when he spits out the pills. The ultimate annoyance though is that he never spits them out when John gives him the meds. We do it the same way, using the same treats and approach right before feeding his meal, and what. the. fuck? It’s racial!! Marty is a goddamn racist. After everything I have done for him. Let’s just hope he doesn’t pull this shit with Susan. And certainly when I get back, I’m not putting up with it.

Ok, I’m going to bed early tonight. I’ll try to resume a more regular posting schedule, for my own sanity if nothing else!

Week 1

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Whew, I wrapped up week one at my new job. Overall impressions? Pretty good, I think. It’s still too early to tell, but there’s potential for a trong fit. The pros? Well, for one thing, I scored my very own office. Fuck yeah, first time ever, so that’s kinda cool. I’m rolling with the big dogs now! I actually spent Saturday printing/framing photos for the office. Second good thing? My boss and team mates are super cool. The boss is a really feisty Indian lady: I think we’re gonna get along really well. I’m also digging the college scene. There’s just something about being at an academic institution. I mean, part of me was a little concerned I might have minor PTSD given how much I stressed in undergrad, but thankfully, nah. I’m fine. I’m not a formal student right now anyhow, so it’s all good. Beyond my immediate team, people appear very warm and welcoming. The team treated me to lunch at the fancy staff and faculty lounge on Tuesday, and then someone in another group took me out on Wednesday, and I went out with a third person on Friday. In general, there isn’t much of a lunching culture (people do their own thing), but I’m trying to just meet some people and you know, get the lowdown in whatever way I can. Hee, hee.

Job-wise, I think there’s going to be a lot of latitude to experiment and to try new strategies. I’m trying to ramp up as quickly as possible, because I’m eager to start contributing. For one thing, the university ain’t no small environmental public agency. That is for sure. I mean, coming in, I knew that the university employed more than ten times the staff of my last employer. Still, I guess I didn’t really grasp the breadth of all that goes into a university. It really is a massive ecosystem, from the administration to staff to alums to undergrad programs to grad schools to student life to athletics to facilities to sustainability, etc. The list goes on. Consequently, their social media network is super distributed, because there’s just no way to scale with one or a handful of people running the show. That’s a huge shift for me: in my previous role, I pretty much managed all web and social media– strategy, content, planning, metrics… Here, I oversee those key areas but at a higher level, plus I’ll manage two student interns. Needless to say, there’s a shit ton to learn. Exciting but a little nerve racking too. Thankfully, my boss has us signed up for a higher ed social media conference. She’s on it. Finally, the commute is a very reasonable 20 minutes. If I want, I can opt for the train, which extends the commute to 45 minutes including walking to/from the train station on both sides. Double the travel time but still an alternative for days I don’t feel like driving my hurky jerky hybrid. What else. I get my own iphone. Interestingly, when I asked one of my coworkers whether she would advise keeping two separate phones (personal and work) or consolidating, she recommended that I wait until the 6-month probation was over. Nice. Haha. I mean, she said she didn’t mean that as a bad thing against me… who knows, maybe I’ll decide that the place isn’t the right fit. Haha, kinda odd but ok.

Now for the bad. Well, pretty minor so far. First, I do get the sense there is some mild drama/politics going on. Not that surprising considering every workplace has its issues. Also, the school seems a bit on the frugal/cheap side when it comes to budgets. For example, I requested a PC computer (instead of the existing mac), and the IT department spec-ed out a bottom of the barrel system. I replied, asking for a faster processor and better screen resolution, because this unit is supposed to last me the next 3+ years… I mean, if you get components that are already outdated today, that ain’t gonna go very far, especially at the speed at which tech evolves. Thankfully, my boss is advocating for me… but damn, we’re talking maybe $500-$700 difference for something that is critical to my daily work and is also amortized over the next several years… You KNOW I’m all about the bargains, but shiiit. Come on! As an additional data point, I even asked the IT department at my previous workplace to see what models they’re currently issuing, and they recommend the 7000 series. The uni wanted to give me the 3000 series. Other than that, no big complaints just yet. The new leadership definitely has some SUPER aggressive fundraising goals (that raises eyebrows), and the institution is working on a number of major projects concurrently, so… it’s an exciting time. But also a potentially insane time. We’ll see.

Other than that, I had a pretty exhausting first week. Not so much because I had to get up early (hours are roughly 8a-5p)… I actually like starting the day off early. For me, the trouble has been insomnia again, because Martin is having issues still. We took him back to the vet on Tuesday, and to the doctor’s surprise, he still has a bladder infection. And his kidney levels are still high, though they are lower than before. So turns out, the first round of antibiotics didn’t completely clear the infection. He’s also still having occasional spooking issues and unexplained trembling. So back we go on antibiotics, and now I have to try a few different meds to troubleshoot the trembling to see if it’s caused by 1) anxiety 2) internal pain 3) or if it’s actually tremors, which is neurological.

Yesterday, we learned that John’s sister put down her dog Bodi. He was a 15-y/o black and tan coon hound. Sure, he had a cushy, long life. Still, no matter how expected and inevitable death is, the loss of a dear, old friend is extremely sad and traumatic. Bodi, Jake, Remy, and Martin were like cousins– all of the same generation. When we adopted our furbabies, John, his sis, and I were just starting off as young professionals. We were all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Now we’re all old and crusty and jaded. Haha. But man, our dogs really grew up alongside us. I keep thinking to myself: Why do I still cry when I think of Remy? Goddamn, heartbreak sure is a beotch. RIP Bodi. Thanks for all the love and cuddles. Now go find your old friend Remy.

bodi

Emotional

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It’s been an emotional last week. On Thursday, I met up with two ProMatchers– both in their 50s. They have been plugging away diligently, looking for jobs. When I got home at the end of the day, I started to cry. I thought about all the people I’d met at ProMatch, and I worried for them. What will happen if they can’t find work? Some of them have been unemployed for so damn long, and unlike me, they don’t have the security I have. One man is in his 60s… He and his wife are now moving to Oregon where he has three job prospects (but no formal offer just yet). They don’t know a soul in Oregon. But the wife is fed up with the Bay Area, and the hubby can’t seem to nail down work. Sigh. I thought about all the changes and adjustments they would have to make… he seemed apprehensive about “starting over.” I just felt so overwhelmed for them.

John tried to comfort me: he said that they would all find work. Just like I did. But ageism is real, and not just in Silicon Valley. How will these experienced, wise veterans of the workforce compete with all those young kids, who’ve already clocked in their 10,000 hours of training? This is a fate we will all face sooner or later: the fight to stay relevant, the fight to stay competitive and sharp. I went to bed early that night, feeling deflated.

The next day, one of the ProMatchers emailed me that she got a job offer!! When I’d seen her on Thursday, she had just come out of a second round interview. She said she felt good about it, but she was trying not to get ahead of herself. She seemed like someone with decent self-awareness and perception, so I was hoping her instincts were accurate. Thankfully, they were. And what a relief. She and I had started in the same batch/class last July. She is super excited about this job PLUS it’s super close to home. I was really happy and relieved. That news made Friday feel a lot better.

In the evening, Martin started exhibiting anxiety again. During the day, he looked great– peppy and energetic, so I was thinking that the infections were subsiding. We won’t know for sure until later this week, when I take him back for more blood work. But the anxiety definitely resurfaced at night…. I’m still boggled by what is going on. Sometimes I wonder if he’s playing off my own worries and anxieties, as I’ve been feeling far more tentative than usual about starting my new job. I’m not really sure why. Maybe because of the duration of my sabbatical? I dunno. Then I came to a different realization a few days ago: Monday marks the first time EVER that I will start a new job without Remy. I saw this story on Twitter earlier in the week, and her dog Chubby reminds me a lot of Remy: similar coloring, similar size, similar pointed ears that sometimes fall away from one another. I don’t know why it feels hard to embark on this new adventure without her. It’s not as if I had conversations with Remy. It’s not as if I discussed things with her. Still, I feel an odd combination of emotions these days: nervousness, uncertainty, mourning, grief, excitement, redemption… I’m hoping that once I get this first day and week under my belt, things will be better. I like to consider myself nimble and adaptable. But I suppose, I still have unexpected moments of vulnerability. What a fucking inconvenience!!

On the plus side, I had a very nice celebration last night with close friends. I’m really lucky and blessed to have their support, love, and encouragement. Come what may, I know “I’ll get by with a little help from my friends.” Onward!

Ms. Know-it-all

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On Monday, I completed my run at ProMatch. I’m still in shock that it was only three months ago when I had joined. Geez, I was so cocky too when I started. I specifically remember thinking to myself: I’ve read a lot of articles and done a lot of informational interviews. I already know most of what I need to know. But whatever, maybe I’ll pick up a thing or two. Boy was I wrong, because holy crap, I learned a shit. ton. And that is not an exaggeration.

I know, I complained a lot about ProMatch being rather inefficient (and a huge time sink). What can I say: I’m an anxious person. I always feel some baseline level of urgency in my life. I was impatient about getting a job. Still, somehow all along the way, the people there really started to grow on me. Yup, I got sucked in. Shrug. So at the business meeting, I delivered my Success Story– a three-minute tale about where I’d landed and how I had scored the job. In my typical M.O., I spent some time prepping my talk. In the end, I couldn’t trim it down to the three minutes, but whatevs. I tried to impart some wisdom and encouragement about this trying and challenging shared experience called job search.

John was certain I was going to lose my shit up there at the podium, but thankfully, I kept it together. Maybe the voice quivered a tad at the end when I talked about all those negative emotions that arise as part of the process: self doubt, frustration, disappointment, inadequacy… my point in mentioning all that drama was simply to keep shit real. Hell, this was no walk in the park, and just because I’d signed a job offer last week doesn’t mean all the issues and uncertainty go out the window. Job search or beyond, I’m going to be inconvenienced by these pesky emotions over and over again. The thing is though, I refuse to let fear paralyze me. Even if I feel doubtful, I will continue doing what I gotta do. The human spirit is incredibly resilient, and thankfully (and remarkably), I have discovered strength even in the deepest depths of my despair. Credit to my friends and myself. Haha.

What else. Man, screw this social anxiety bullshit. Any chance possible, prey and practice on innocent bystanders. Seriously. Orientations, meetups, conferences. I don’t frickin’ care. I just started randomly chatting people up, and heck, before I knew it, my palms really stopped sweating, and my face really stopped turning beet red. Shit man, desensitization works!

Anyhow, I shared a few other pieces of advice while I had my few seconds of glory. Maybe my parents are right after all: sometimes I do enjoy being a little Ms. Know-it-all. Ha!

Martin Update

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Oh, the challenges of having an old dog!! In September, I took Martin in for his annual physical exam. Based on his temperature, heartbeat, ears, eyes, joints/flexibility, and other exterior clues, he was given a clean bill of health. Yay! Of course, as luck would have it, that’s probably what jinxed us.

He first stared displaying mild anxiety in August (randomly getting spooked at night)… I had attributed it to the Sonoma earthquake and such, but then the nervousness started getting worse. I tried calming sprays, calming collars, treats, the Thunder shirt, etc. Nothing really helped. A few days later, we went back to the vet for blood work. Holy shit, high kidney values. Given Marty’s age, the doctor now suspects kidney failure. WTF??? From one extreme to the other. A urine sample was needed to confirm, so we went back a third time for blood pressure and a sterile urine sample. I won’t go into the details, but shit, the protocols for these medical procedures are super rudimentary and old school. In one night, Martin got cow-tipped onto his side to get a blood pressure reading; he got thrown onto his back into a metal, v-shaped channel, where a cold ultrasound scanner was rubbed over his belly and then the techs sucked a sterile urine sample from his abdomen; and later, he was stabbed between the shoulder blades with a huge-gauge needle for subcutaneous hydration. Yelping, crying, squirming. The whole works. So stressful.

That night, he went from taking zero meds to being prescribed antibiotics for the kidney infection, pepcid for nausea and loss of appetite, and xanax for this still unexplained anxiety. A few days later, the urinalysis showed super high E. coli infection in the bladder, so now, he has a bladder infection, a kidney infection, little to no appetite, and anxiety. See how this drama builds?

The treatment is a month of antibiotics for both infections. Meanwhile, I started trying all sorts of foods to get him to eat: baby food, chicken and rice, broth… to complicate matters, dogs with kidney issues are supposed to eat low sodium, low protein diets. Then I tried the special kidney diet kibble. He hated it. Spit that shit out all over the kitchen floor. This week, I finally found some canned kidney diet food that he eats rather happily. Because he’s lost 10% of his weight, now I’m feeding him double: two cans/day.

I had also noticed some other strange behavior. For instance, he kept going outside and moving a shit ton of mulch around with his nose. His nose was all dry and cracked and muddy. Well last weekend, J & J mentioned maybe putting some Vaseline on his nose to moisturize. I have no idea why I never thought of this myself. I slathered that shit on last night and wow!! His nose is wet and moist again. So now I’m thinking maybe he was moving mulch around because his nose was itchy? I dunno.

Update on the flea problem: I am giving him the topical treatment twice a month now (instead of once/month), and he is better. He still itches occasionally, but he’s so much better now. His skin is still flaky near the base of his tail, but I’m hoping it will get better soon. Yup, we’re in full-on recovery mode. I’m determined to bring Martin back to his former state of glory! 😉

Let’s Do This!

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So on Tuesday, I was back on campus for another interview– this time with the VP of University Relations. Yup, uber big dog. I had prepped all this shit beforehand: reviewed the strategic plan, got the 411 on his career, reviewed the uni’s budget, values, mission, fundraising breakdown, etc. We met for ten minutes. He just had me tell him about myself and answer a few other questions. Done. Afterwards, I felt good but you just never know. Sigh. Come what may.

When I got home, I resumed reading up on all the news stories surrounding the controversy. Late Tuesday night, I found a new article dated that day that said the state of California was requiring coverage. Whew! California saves the day!! It’s kinda funny, because the whole practice of getting up to speed on the issue really took me back to my Feminist Majority Foundation days when I was writing their news stories and action alerts. You gotta do your research. I was in the zone, man. It was an intense several hours.

Then, this morning, I got the call. Yippee, I scored a verbal offer. But I had also prepared an outline to broach the issue. Yeah, I know all the experts say job search is like dating: leave out all controversial issues and topics. Well, in typical VG style, I was compelled to bring it up. It was stressful, hard, and risky. But I put my shit on the table, man. That’s how I am. She was pretty taken aback, and the tone definitely changed. But she shared her perspective and practice as a communications professional. In the end, she said it was my call. Given that the law currently holds strong, the uni population is super diverse and progressive, people generally love working there, and none of these topics will be on social media, I’m good moving forward. What?? Yeah, did you hear that right? I freaking got a job offer. And I accepted it. All verbal, of course. That said, at the end of the talk, she didn’t sound entirely convinced. I mean yeah, social media stuff is all fun and fluffy. Here, I just dampened the mood talking about politics. I went over a few of the other benefits. No wiggle room at all regarding negotiations. Then, I reiterated that I wanted to proceed. She agreed to contact HR for the next steps.

The rest of the morning, I felt a little uneasy. I think mostly I was coming down from all the stress of preparing and leading a risky conversation. Plus, even beyond the job hunt, I’ve had a lot on my mind lately (Martin is still not eating enough…). In the end, I talked out the job offer with some friends, a career adviser or two, another random person, and I started to settle down. I reached out to the director again in the afternoon, reaffirming my interest and also thanking her for giving me the space to speak my mind. After all, this is what communications is about, right? I gotta exercise my judgement and handle it.

John worked really late and came home around 9p. I was just getting off a conference call for my mastermind class about Leadership and Influence (John Maxwell book). I was just so exhausted from everything. But John said the sweetest thing to me. He said he was really proud of me and of all that I had done. He said earlier in the day while he was at work, he thought about all the people we know: who among them would have done all the things I did to get here? Who would have gotten up after facing disappointment so many damn times to step outside the comfort zone again and again? Honestly, I think my friends COULD do this: people never know their full capacity. But I was really touched by his acknowledgement. I think back to those days not so long ago, when J and I almost called it quits. We had fallen out of sync and stopped understanding each other. And now, through a little bit of good fortune and a lot of perseverance, there truly is NO ONE who knows me better. He really grasped the severity of this dilemma for me. Some people reacted with some exasperation, suggesting I was being too picky or too perfectionist with my conditions. Others thought maybe it was just a simple “no” and move on kind of decision. John never questioned why it troubled me or why this was important to me. His acceptance helped me to accept myself.

And in the end, as I worked through the conundrum, I ultimately arrived at an answer that aligns with me and my values. I feel good. Bubbey tells me now to embrace the choice and move forward with happiness and joy, in celebration of this major victory. My Bubbey. I am so very lucky to have found him– in a world of 7 billion people.

Seattle Babies and Bums

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Last weekend I was in Seattle visiting G and her fam. Baby O is a pretty smushy lil’ blob. Haha. G asked me a few times if I thought he was a happy baby. Ugh, do babies even know happiness at that age? I mean, they’re so freaking little. Plus, to be honest, I took a shit ton of pictures, and he looks disturbed or disgruntled or troubled in nearly ALL of them. Btw, sorry there are no pics of Baby O. His parents are privacy freaks. Ok, not privacy freaks but well, they DID close their FB accounts if that says anything. Anyway, I’m trying to be all respectful and shit about parents and photos of their offspring. Haha. At my last job, we had to get signed releases to post any kid pics.

Anyway, Seattle was great. October is a beautiful time to be up in the Pacific Northwest. We mostly hung out and talked. G and J were subjected to my job search woes ad nauseam. Then, I went on my whole “war on women” tirade. We did stuff with the baby and pup too. I actually held O a few times. I think G was a little surprised. This ain’t my first rodeo, folks. For some reason, my baby friends are always surprised that I’m anywhere near halfway decent with infant care. When I was in high school, my grandmother babysat a family friend’s baby. I got a lot of practice then. I dunno though, maybe people expect me to like feed babies lollipops or hold them upside down or something because I’m child-free. Haha.

G and I had a very full weekend. I flew in Friday, out Sunday. We went shopping. I scored a cool new puffy vest from F21. I also got a new dress from Target. Food wise, you can’t go wrong visiting foodies. They made steak salad one night. We ordered delicious Hawaiian food the next night. The morning of departure, they made French toast. I was re-inspired to get cooking again.

On Sunday, G and I hit a Korean spa. Yup, we got butt naked and wandered from hot room to sauna to hot pool to wet sauna to cold pool… we were there for like 4 hours. Maybe a little too much relaxation for me. Haha. First time doing the nude spa thing. I was ok, but ultimately, I do think I’m too uptight for that shit.

It’s Complicated

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Oh, the irony! Of course, the day before I received this latest notice that I had advanced in the recruitment, I was on campus having an info interview with someone who works in one of the graduate schools. I was getting a better sense for the environment, the resources, the vibe, etc. Then, I asked this final question: “I see that that a new president and administration came in a few years ago. Have you noticed any big shifts in leadership and priorities?” Apparently, there was a HUGE controversy on campus a year or two back where the president directed that a change in the uni’s health care coverage: elective abortion would no longer be covered, because it is “incompatible with the Catholic identity.” OMFG. Internally, I was fur-reaking out.

I knew the Catholic history, and before I applied, I had read their mission statement. My values align with the principles of a holistic education, compassion, community, integrity, academic excellence, etc. And despite the Catholic framework, I had read very specific statements claiming that all religions and denominations were accepted: they embrace diversity, inclusion, all faiths, blah, blah, blah. I asked the lady a few more questions, because as part of my own due diligence, nothing had come up on my radar, and I had scrolled back in the uni’s press releases with recent news and social media postings. Turns out, the issue first arose in October 2013, and on their website, coverage was minimal.

I could NOT believe this. WTF. I tried to remain calm: I thanked the lady and then hurried home to research this further. Holy shit. There was huge campus backlash and protests when this decision came out. One professor even resigned over the issue, saying there was no dialog about the policy change, and it doesn’t align with the uni’s pluralist values. The changes were originally scheduled to take effect January 2014, then they got pushed back to January 2015 to take into account changes from Obamacare, regs, and the like.

So fine, many could argue: Duh, the uni is Catholic. Catholicism is anti-birth control, anti-abortion, anti-gay, etc. It’s not that surprising. On the other hand, this is California. Abortion is classified under basic health care. And interestingly, there are a host of other Catholic universities in California who do NOT have this exclusion in their health care coverage. In fact, right now there are ONLY TWO higher ed places that have moved in this direction. Plus, if the administration is going to pull the “align with the Catholic identity” line, then why will the plans continue to offer birth control and sterilization? And will gays be banned from campus? Aren’t they committing “moral sins”? Will the institution only hire and admit staff and students who are Catholic? And who’s definition of Catholic? I have met so many Catholics who are pro-choice, pro-gay, pro-contraception, pro-divorce (well, you know what I mean…). Society is changing, folks. The rules need to evolve to accommodate what we learn.

Anyway, the good news is that the policy has not yet gone into effect. Also, due to the controversy, Jerry Brown’s office is going back and reviewing whether insurance companies in the state can even offer plans with this exclusion, so it’s possible the change will be legally blocked. I’m also comforted by the fact that the general sentiment on campus is opposed to this.

Abortion rights is a huge deal. I feel so strongly that women must have ultimate say over their bodies. The ability (and right) to control this equates to the ability to shape their lives and select their opportunities. And access to birth control is just as critical as access to abortions. Women need to have know about family planning: it’s all tied together, because better health education and access to birth control reduce the number of abortions. Women who can control the size of their families can better manage and support the brood.

If the university accepts all faiths, then it shouldn’t impose its ideals on people who have never claimed to share their belief in this area. Needless to say, I have been reminded again about this ongoing war against women. More than a decade after I worked for the Feminist Majority Foundation, we are still fighting for the same rights. Argh!