Ramona Returns

The other day, Bubbey commented that I’m good at things that drain me. Ain’t that the truth! I mean,  project management for my parents, travel planning, relationship management, doggie care…

Sweet little Ramona went home on Friday afternoon. She was booked to stay with us for 18 days while her family traveled through Japan. In the end, the time together was still too short.

Sure, she has all kinds of problems: skin rashes, eye issues, ear infections, snoring problems, food sensitivities, trembling issues… but she is so damn cute!! Bubbey is right: indeed, I’m damn good at taking care of doggies. There’s just something so rewarding to me to be responsible for them, from tracking the meds, to monitoring the poop/pee, to grooming/feeding etc… Honestly, I feel like we did it for so long for Remy and Martin, and it always gave me such a strong sense of purpose. And there was so much good that came out of all my time and effort.

For example, Ramona was on new ear drop meds and when I took her to the vet, the doctor said her ears looked better than they’d been in many months. Sure, it was probably the new meds but heck, part of that was also the proper and consistent administration of the meds, you know? Man, I gotta say: that pup is one. tough. cookie. For reals. Those Lhasa Apso breeds have lots of health issues. Like the ear canal is L-shaped and super prone to infection. The vet cleaned and flushed her ears and then as part of the preventative maintenance, she and the techs plucked out all the hairs inside her ears. Basically, the doc put on a pair of rubber gloves and just started ripping out the fur inside Ramona’s ears. OMFG, it was like waxing but without the wax and without any numbing agent. Then, a tech supplemented by using scissor-grip tweezers to rip out hairs deeper in the canal, and she accidentally grabbed a nubby of Ramona’s inner ear! Poor baby flipped the fuck out. I was like, “Uh, you accidentally grabbed her ear!” Jesus people, be careful! It was a weird experience the whole thing… it reminded me of how much both people and animals hate going to the hospital. I mean, ultimately, all of the procedures and treatments are done for their own good and well-being, but fuck, there is a ton of pain involved! And Ramona was so incredibly tolerant given what was being done.

As much as I loved having Ramona, I didn’t get the best sleep. She would wake up in the middle of the night… I think she had a bit of that nighttime restlessness that I saw in Marty. In addition, between Bubbey and Kidney Bean, I had snorberts on BOTH sides of the bed. In all honesty, by the time her family came to get her, I was pretty damn exhausted. But that didn’t stop me from crying up a storm. 🙁

Her family was so kind and sweet. When they showed up at the door, they had a big bag chock full of gifts for us: all brought back from their time in Japan. From paper crafts to candies to tea and incense… it was just too much! I’m glad that they appreciated how I took the time during all the chaos to interview/hire/coordinate a substitute sitter. I was very moved by their gratitude. That said, the thing is, once you go through the experience of scrambling last minute seeking care for your senior, high-maintenance dog, you never forget the stress of it. And these transitions are also so difficult for the old doggies, you know? Anyway, I’m relieved that all the pieces fell into place, and now I have another in-home sitter to add to my arsenal. Always gathering my contacts, you know.

After Ramona went home, I was really sad, bc once again, the Houseboat felt empty. She’s also almost 14 y/o. Who knows when, if ever, I’ll see her again. But I suppose the most important thing to remember is that she’s in a wonderful, loving home. No matter what, she’s got a great family.[FAG id=7504]

Bombogenesis

Well, we’re getting hit with another week of freakish weather. I know, people elsewhere in the country might think we California softies are just crying wolf, but hell, even the weather pros are calling this a “bombogenesis.” Yes, that’s the term the weather peeps are using for this weather bomb of high winds and rain! You’d think they’d coin a better word… I mean is bombogenesis a disease or some bizarre Biblical reference? WTF. Regardless, this heavy, pouring rain is getting to be ridic.

The good news is that we haven’t (yet) suffered any downed trees or power outages on the Houseboat, though that’s not to say shit couldn’t happen. My next door neighbor had a monster eucalyptus tree crash in his yard last year, just barely hitting the house. He and the wife were so concerned about further crashes that for few days while they wanted for crews to chainsaw the remaining branches and stabilize the tree, they slept in the other bedroom. Yikes.

I’m a little concerned too that our wet roof is well, getting more and more drenched. I sure hope nothing comes through the ceiling inside. The ground cover in my front yard (which I had re-designed last year to be drought-tolerate) is filling in nicely, but the roots of our ash tree, which in the past clogged our plumbing, is coming back with a vengeance. Suddenly, home ownership is sounding rather burdensome, right?

In other news, Bubs got back last night… just before the soaking wet blew in. He’s pretty pooped and still kinda on East Coast time. But we booked our hotel for Los Cabos next week. Woohoo! Actually, I had scored an awesome deal on a smaller local resort, but in the end, we upgraded to the JW Marriott. There’s just something consistent about those MNCs (multinational corporations). The biggest tip I wanted to share though? Thank goodness for my Costco card… especially for travel bookings. For example, consider the Cabo Marriott booking:

Hotels.com/Priceline.com: $659/night
Marriott.com (AAA rate): $521
Costco Travel: $421.

Yeah, it’s higher than I would normally do, but what can I say, it’s been a shitty last month. But seriously, isn’t the price difference just insane? I’m telling you: no matter what, whether it’s shoes or home improvement or whatever, you gotta comparison shop your ass!!!

High Maintenance

I got a pretty darn slow start to the day today. Yesterday, after running around in the torrential rain and storms, going from appointment to meeting to training to meeting to whatever, I got chilled to the bone, and you know how I am with my lame constitution. So the sniffles came on and I started sneezing up a storm. Fucking A.

Then Ramona was at the groomers’ all day so by the time I got her home, she was beat, which meant that lil’ snausage snored up a goddamn storm in the bedroom last night (No, she is not sleeping in my bed.)

The good news is that I’ve finally eliminated the flea problem. Before I left for Maryland, I activated three separate flea bombs in the house AND I also released a tub full of nematodes into the backyard. J will probably say the flea bombs did the trick, but I happen to think the dual-pronged approach was the secret. Yeah I’d read online that the worms would eat the fleas and their babies. Whatever. However we arrived here, thank fucking goodness bc I do NOT need to be going around looking like a Leper.

And fortunately, my bug bites healed while I was away. I mean, my legs still look fucked up and scarred but at least the itching is gone and I haven’t scratched the wounds raw. Score one point for me!

In other body news, after I returned from Montana at the beginning of February, I used my Groupon for eyelash extensions. Apparently, this is the latest beauty rage, so I had to partake and see for myself. I just went for a partial instead of the full set, but holy crap, so damn uncomfortable! Basically, in order for her to have full access to my upper lashes (to which the extensions are glued), she had to tape down my lower lashes and that tape kept digging into my undereye area. In the end, the new lashes looked good, but shit man, bc they are fake and curl in one direction, sometimes they twist around on your normal lash and end up poking me in the eyeball. I will say, like the brow tats, it sure is nice to wake up and not spend time doing the eyeliner and mascara thing. It does look pretty natural too, just enhanced. We’re into mid Feb now and some of them are still on, but most have fallen off. As someone who wears contacts and has itchy eyes sometimes, it’s not a good fit. Fake adhesive lashes might be better. Or I’m still game for good ol’ mascara. But it was fun while it lasted.

What else. Nail polish. It looks so nice but Jesus, the chipping! We got our nails done three or four days before the funeral and after day 2, chipped. I’m almost thinking now that I’m no longer going to paint my nails bc the chipping looks so damn gauche. Today I was planning to treat myself to a pedi, but then I got into unabomber mode and decided not to leave the house. I just did them myself. The funny thing about doing my own nails… I get sloppy and shit goes all over the damn place outside of the nailbed. I don’t care. I do a scrappy job and then use a scrubber cloth after they dry to scrape away all the imperfections. That’s easier than making it perfect from the get go. A little Vix fix.

My hair is a royal mess. I was trying to grow back part of the shaved area, and those hairs are just sticking out like a grass patch. I also dyed my hair the other week using my eSalon dye… it’s something I found online and the quality of dye is definitely better in that it doesn’t bleed all over the place but after all that damn work, the color was practically the same as what I started with!! I know, I’m a fucking mess.

And then yesterday, I met with two lenders, one of whom was in a suit. We went to lunch and you know how I never use a straw bc it’s environmental extraneous? Well, twice I went to drink my iced tea, and the ice avalanched towards my mouth, causing the tea to spill all over my shirt. For fuck’s sake, am I being filmed for a bloopers show or what?! That happened TWICE before I had the wherewithal to realize I gotta use the damn straw. Ugh!!! Who can remember all these etiquette/grace school details?!?! Just let me go live in a cave.

Leading by Example

In general, I spend a lot of time thinking about how to live my life better. Professionally, I’m still working on reaching milestones and attaining success… In my personal life, I’m pretty happy with how I cultivate and manage relationships with friends, colleagues, and acquaintances. With family, um not. so. much. I definitely have room to grow.

Sure, if you compare me to my man-child brother, which my friends often do, I’m a superstar. But honestly, being back in Maryland this past week following the death of my FIL, I know I am so woefully ill-equipped to be a truly helpful and useful family member. Yes, I can get shit done, but the service withOUT a smile piece is severely lacking and practically a dealbreaker. I know, my family is very different from J’s family so maybe there’s no point in comparing: my family interacts with each other minimally and distantly; we don’t have traditions; we don’t share any religions or rituals; we don’t adopt any collective routines or schedules or cycles. What can I say: we are disconnected and fragmented.

Meanwhile, all these years, I kinda judged J’s parents for being such homebodies: they didn’t travel or explore or socialize with others. They just sat around, complained a lot, chatted, and watched tons of tv. In fact, when my FIL was in rehab last week, an activities coordinator came by to take a survey: what do you like to do? She rattled off all sorts of activities: cards, crafts, music, walking, games, etc. It was almost ridiculous that she even bothered doing the survey with my FIL, but in the end, he said plainly and unapologetically: “Family gatherings. That’s what I like.”

And it dawned on me a day later: FAMILY is their hobby, their past time. And as all his kids and grandkids descended during his final days for this last farewell, it became so abundantly clear: When you spend time– repeated, concentrated, deliberate time– with family, you really learn about one another’s personalities, habits, and preferences. Duh, right? Well, I hadn’t put two and two together until now. Seriously.

For example, when S was assembling the funeral program, she and her eldest sister knew exactly which siblings would speak and which would not. They didn’t even need to ask: they knew, they accepted, and it was NBD for her and the eldest daughter and her family to fill that portion of the program. The funeral service itself was beautifully done. The turnout was larger than expected and included a few pleasant surprises– note to self: what a powerful gesture it is to have your childhood friends show up for your father’s funeral. I talked with one of J’s brother’s friends from elementary school. That dude has never moved out of the ZIP CODE. OMFG, can you imagine???

The service was lovely. It included several readings from the Bible as well as eulogies from the two sons-in-laws, his youngest daughter S, and his eldest daughter E. I was so very moved by the poignant stories and memories. This is what unconditional love looks like.

Seeing how loving J and his siblings are to his parents, I realized that I really have very little understanding of love, compassion, and forgiveness. I used to get so pissed off when my mom would confuse me with my brother. When she said things to me that rubbed me the wrong way, I always remembered her words. When she nitpicked or made disapproving comments about my appearance or personality or behavior or choices, I remembered and I held on to those comments, almost as reasons to chastise and vilify her.

My MIL is definitely declining cognitively, but even before her recent decline, she often confused her kids and messed up the details. And like all parents, whether they acknowledge this or not, she certainly has her favorites. The crazy thing is, no one in J’s family seems to mind or feel resentful for those mistakes or preferences!?!? My entire adult life, I have never forgiven my parents for parenting my brother the way they do. I have never forgotten or forgiven my grandmother and mother for favoring my brother over me. Even as they have endured a lifetime of pain from him, I have only told them that they deserve the pain bc of their poor parenting choices. And even now, though I might still feel correct in that perspective (despite not ever being a parent myself!), I question whether that level of blame and resentment is necessary towards anyone you love. Aren’t we all flawed– albeit some more than others?

By contrast, J’s siblings hear snarky and hurtful comments, and they just let them go. The unsavory comments don’t alter how much they love their mother. They don’t alter how much they care for her and strive to do right by her. So many times in this past week, my MIL made comments that I didn’t like, that seemed short-sighted or inappropriate or testy. Her kids were never ever fazed. Not for a single second. They overlooked all of it. They reacted by rephrasing their statements or by simply turning the subject to something else. Not one iota of irritation ever crossed their lips. Sure, behind closed doors amongst themselves, they were sometimes frustrated, but NEVER towards their mother.

And even as I have this new epiphany, I still can’t find it in me to reconcile my relationship with my brother for my parents. I don’t know why. Is it a loyalty thing? I’m dedicated and faithful so long as you’re on my good side, but once you make a decision (even if those choices are your own to make) to which I disagree, I become intolerant and mean. After all, there must be consequences for your actions…

Obviously, Bubbey has been under tremendous stress, and at times over the past few days, he snapped at me or used a disparaging tone. A few times I let it go, but it took EFFORT for me to let it go. And still a few times, I countered and talked back. There is something inside me that is unyielding and confrontational. Is it bc I was bullied as a child, so it’s hard for me to back off as an adult? Recognizing this flaw in myself makes me worry for those I love. Oftentimes, these stressful moments that elicit harsh tones or snippy words aren’t even about me… How will I possibly rise to the challenging times that lie ahead?

Lessons on Love

My father-in-law passed away this morning. What a crazy and turbulent chain of events over the last two weeks. In January, he had started to fall and faint with increased frequency. Doctors diagnosed him with CMML, a kind of leukemia. The recommendation was to undergo a “mild” form of chemo and then emerge with two years of good quality of life. As the daughter of a doctor, I always entrust medical professionals with our care. J’s father had qualms about chemo given his advanced age (83 y/o) as well as his pre-existing Parkinson’s disease. I thought he was being resistant. The family discussed their concerns with the oncologist, who reassured them of the mildness and tolerance, so they proceeded. Unfortunately, from that point on, my FIL just never really recovered: there were blood transfusions, complications with his Parkinson’s, problems with his liver, this and that. After chemo, he moved to physical therapy and rehab and there the level of care was totally mismatched and inadequate. He developed a fever then pneumonia and the rehab people were like arguing with the fam about giving him Tylenol to control the fever! Understandably, his level of care was way beyond their realm, but still! After two days there, he was moved to hospice down the road from the family home. They gave him morphine and finally, he was comfortable and at peace. He passed away this morning.

The way I am, there is always someone who has to be accountable. I am upset that the primary care physician and the oncologist weren’t on the same page. I’m upset by the apparent disconnect and siloing of his medical records. WTF happened? Sure, on one hand, he was 83. He wasn’t exactly a healthy person: he ate crap, he didn’t exercise, he wasn’t active. Yes, all those things were true. But somewhere along the way over the past two weeks, there wasn’t adequate followup. The oncologist never visited him after chemo. Just yesterday, he even told the family the blood work looked good, and it was my sister-in-law who insisted that death was imminent. I also have so many feelings about my parent-in-laws. Why didn’t they live healthier? Why didn’t they have a better social support system?

And then I realized that none of this thinking and processing helps. He’s gone and however he chose to live his life was his call and his choice. These are the moments when I realize I am still someone who struggles with the basics of acceptance– acceptance for myself and of those I love. Isn’t feminism ultimately about honoring the choices women (and men) make for themselves?

Earlier yesterday, my father called me from Taiwan and he gave me a rundown of properties that are pending sale. In truth, they have been “pending” for at least two years now– commercial property and land transactions take for fucking ever. As a Realtor, I have heard this and know this. He wanted me to handle a different property that’s a residential lease. And another property, a residential rental, is up for lease renewal. He told me he was going to renew the lease, and I. went. ballistic. What have we been talking about, esp all last year with the eldercare of my grandparents and the now tenuous situation with my mom? Are you fucking downsizing or NOT? I was so livid. All he keeps saying is, don’t worry about my business. I will handle it. Well, you’re not going to handle it when your wife gets sick and you are too damn old. The decline happens fast. Jesus fucking Christ. Enough is enough.

After I got off the phone with him, I started doing my thing: why can’t my parents be fucking normal. Why are they retarded and difficult. Why is my brother a useless fucking moron? Argh!!!

Yesterday afternoon, when I spoke with Ellen and she told me the end was definitely near, she said she wished they hadn’t had so many arguments and discussions about cleaning out the family home and getting it prepped for the market. So much time and energy was spent arguing and trying to persuade the parents to let go of their stuff… in the end, the decline happens fast and the kids ultimately make the call anyway. What she said kinda stuck with me. Like her, I’m a planner. I want to know where my parents will live. Where they will obtain care. I want to know those details and plan as much ahead as possible. But maybe Ellen is right: the time together is finite; don’t fill it with frustration and contempt and blame.

John has always been an amazing son. He isn’t very vocal or sentimental, but his actions and his patience and clarity in prioritizing the relationship above all else is something to admire and appreciate. Even as his father declined and I asked all kinds of angry questions about why this happened and who failed us, he knew to focus attention and energy on moving forward, on getting his dad more comfortable. None of that other stuff mattered, bc it couldn’t be changed. This is how life is: shit happens and rather than finding the culprit or scapegoat to explain how something like this came to be, it happened. We are here now. Adapt and figure out the next critical step.

RIP, Dad E. You and your wife raised a big family and instilled in them so much of what is good and right in this world: character, integrity, responsibility, family, and love. Thank you for this enduring legacy.

Inaugural Open House

Now more than ever, I am feeling like there is just too much going on. On one hand, I am feeling invigorated… after all, I like to hustle. On the other hand, I am also feeling a lot of fear.

After returning to my bubble post-Montana, I hit the ground running. Lunch/dinner plans with former colleagues, evening networking meetups, trainings during the day, lender drop-ins, plus a whole lot of project management… Our master bath remodel is opening up a huge can of worms, involving meetings with general contractors, plumbers, roofers, and fireplace experts. Turns out, fixing the gas leak (which we discovered when we swapped out the water heater) will require new gas lines for the whole house which in turn will involve punctures through the roof, and actually, we’re kinda needing a new roof. Then the roofer guy also noticed dry rot and damaged wooden beams… so it’s all adding up. The biggest downside is that the new roof is the limiting factor and the roofers probably won’t get us scheduled until late March/April due to all the rain we’re getting this winter. Ah well, it’ll get done.

Meanwhile, I hit up some more banks and credit unions last week. Two duds and one meeting with a branch manager who wants to set up a subsequent meeting with her two loan officers. That meeting will be this Friday. Then, my colleague invited me to shadow an open house he was hosting on Saturday. I was super stoked but then on Friday, he ended up double-booking, so suddenly, I was set to host the open house solo! Say what??? Yup, all Friday night I looked at info about the house, including reports, other similar properties in the area, etc. I even created my own open house flyer. But shit, I had no open house road signs and the office was all out of them. And since it was my first one, I was reluctant about posting to social media and such, lest I be caught unprepared.

Needless to say, I stressed and prepared and the next morning, I got up early to preview area comps. By noon, I met up with my colleague who gave me some last minute info. Bc the property was a gated condo building, I had to post signs on the call box to NOT use the intercom (not hooked up to the unit) and to call my cell instead. I busted out my open house plastic bin filled with supplies, including sheet protectors, tape, scissors, etc. And my colleague and his hubby were super impressed. Haha, thanks to my open space days with all those damn events, I know about having a supplies bin!!

Inside the condo, I got settled (I was told to hide the knife block!!) and then off they went. Alone in the unit, I had about 30 minutes before the open house was set to start, and I started getting really stressed– mostly about my safety. Bc all of this happened so fast, I didn’t get to call a lender to ask them to cohost or anything. One of our real estate apps has a safety timer, where you set your location and if you don’t check in with the app after a certain period of time, the app notifies your emergency contact and sends out your location. So I called Bubs, who was still back East, to do a test. Um, test failed. Why? Bc I had super sketchy T-mobile cell signal in the goddamn apartment. WTF?? So then I set up Find my Friends with M and Bubs. I also had a lanyard with a safety whistle and pepper spray. Fuck man, my paranoid parents have pumped me up full of fear, I tell you. Even though it was cold outside, I decided to open the windows so people could hear me should I scream! And then I was fucking freezing. I’m telling you, this realtor shit is chock full of logistical puzzles.

In the end, only three parties visited in three hours. All Asians, and I even busted out my Chinese on the latter two. One guy was an investor and I didn’t have answers to most of his questions. I was so disappointed, and after he left, I realized I didn’t even get his contact info. Jesus Christ, I was so fucking nervous about the questions and then about my safety (not bc of him, just in general). Fortunately, bc he called my mobile at the callbox to let him in, I had his cell! So I found the answers to his questions (Owner occupied? Why selling? How much do similar units go for rent? How much is insurance?) and texted him. For the most part, two of the three parties liked the unit, but then they were turned off by the high HOA.

By the time 4pm rolled around, I was beat and I had a raging headache. But overall, I was proud of myself. I also got some ideas for more materials I want to have on hand next time (i.e. a map of the area with lots of pins to highlight accessibility and proximity to attractions/businesses, etc.).

Mountain Retreat

Well, I’m finally back to my Silicon Valley bubble. I’m pretty proud of myself for surviving five days and four nights in one of the most uninhabitable places on Earth. Think I’m exaggerating? Um, it was 5 degrees our first morning there. I was consistently dressed in three layers on the bottom and 5+ layers on the top, not to mention gloves, hats, multiple socks. Whew, I am glad to be home.

Other than the elements, the trip was a good time. There were seven of us total… two couples and three single gals. Except for me, all the ladies were connected to Nathalie via veterinary school at St. George’s in Grenada. Their grad class was 2005, so they’ve all been out in the real world practicing for over ten years already. I pretty much got along with everyone there… Initially, I was on the quiet side, getting acclimated to the altitude (7500 ft.) and the cold and I mean, being the odd man out. The spouses of the two gals were one quiet and one extroverted, but man, we were from all over! Nathalie is a small animal vet in North Carolina, then one couple ran a beef cattle ranch in Minnesota (the wife is a slaughterhouse inspector for the USDA), another couple lived in Florida (the vet is a surgeon), and then the other lady was an ER vet in South Carolina. It’s pretty funny, bc as with any group, there’s a quieter one, a feisty and opinionated one, and then more accommodating personalities. According to them, vets tend to be Type A personalities, and from the get go, I knew I was running in a different crowd bc I didn’t have to plan a damn thing! All the logistics were worked out, and anytime there was a question or point of confusion, the other people jumped without a second’s hesitation to ask the resort staff and get answers immediately. So different from traveling with Bubs, you know? Haha.

At one point, one of them asked me how I felt being thrown into their group. Was it awkward or weird? I was like, “Um, I have a very long history of social awkwardness so it is not a big deal being the odd person out. That’s practically my life story.” Truth.

Some other interesting observations. This was my first time doing an all-inclusive resort package kind of thing. We had the biggest lodge on campus, the Ridgetop at the top of the hill. That place was MONSTER, and everything worked out such that we all had our own rooms with even a full suite to spare. The Discovery package included lodging, meals, ski/snowshoe rentals, the sleigh ride, shuttles to the airport one hour away… it was pretty sweet and given the amount of amenities we used and the food we consumed, I think it was well worth what we paid. It is esp nice not having to figure out the bill at the end of each meal and tip and what not.

On the other hand, bc everything was included, the bargain side of me kicked in, and I’m sure we easily consumed 6000+ calories a day. The food was delicious but it was cowboy fare, so lots of (gourmet) meat and starches. Four days straight of that diet, and it’s enough to kill you. Seriously, my clothes were getting tighter and tighter day by day. When I complained to Bubbey, he replied, “Well, I don’t see anybody shoveling all that food down your piehole.” Touche, Mr. Tough Love. No sympathy there.

Sure, we participated in a lot of intense activities: a morning sleigh ride, three hours of snowshoeing, x-country skiing, hot tubbing, plus all the trudging up and down the hill from our lodge… Nevertheless, I know we weren’t even close to breaking even on the calories. Oh well. Detox begins today.

My biggest conclusion from the adventure? I really do hate the snow and cold. Like in the past, I thought maybe I could live in Chicago or Vancouver or something. Nope, I am no longer deluded. Yeah sure, the landscape is majestic and beautiful, but shit, I cannot be inconvenienced with having to spend ten extra minutes putting the layers on and off. It’s a good thing N and I go way back (7th grade!), bc I really don’t think I’m doing that ever again. Just saying. I like the mountains, but I’m never going in the winter. Note to self. Mark my words.

My fav part of the trip was def the dog sledding, despite my propensity for near-death experiences. On day 1, when we went down to the dining lodge for breakfast, we all dressed light(er), bc we said we would eat and go back to the lodge to layer up. As it turned out, we were accosted by the Montana Tourism Bureau in the breakfast hall: they were shooting video of a sleigh ride and needed riders. Oh yeah, sure, we’re game.

Um, it turned into 90 minutes in the freezing cold, on a shaded path through the forest. I must have looked super frozen, bc the Bureau dude who sat next to me asked if I was ok and then he gave me the handwarmer packets from inside his gloves to put into mine. I mean, I must have looked totally blue. I thought I was going to get frostbite and have to amputate my toes. It was so fucking cold. I was like, Here you go Nathalie. I chopped off my toes. Happy bday! Yes, I was being dramatic, but shit, my body was shutting down.

Day 2, N hit the slopes with a few people, and then the remaining three of us went snowshoeing. I tried my best to manage expectations: I’m good for 90 minutes in the snow, I told them. Well, our adventure took 3 hours. Yup, you can’t ever trust the whiteys. SMH. And snowshoeing is so much work going uphill. A few times, I mis-stepped off the trail and my whole leg got engulfed in snow. Who lives in these conditions??? I mean, here’s the thing. If you live in a place where– should your car break down and you are unable to reach help– you will DIE in an hour, it’s not a place for humans. Am I right? Whether it’s the cold or the desert… think about it. You pretty much HAVE to have special equipment or electricity or you die.

Anyway, I liked the two ladies I went snowshoeing with. We had fun, and I liked hearing about different vet cases and patients and such. One lady her mom is a travel agent, so I was asking all sorts of scoop on that. For the beef rancher, she pretty much confirmed that ranch life is not glamorous at. all. I had a hunch before, but I’m now wholeheartedly convinced that farm life is never gonna be Bub’s and my thing. We’re just a tad too soft and too deluxe and too city. I gotta be honest with myself, you know? Waking up at the butt crack of dawn to clean stalls and shovel shit… not my thing. I can’t even get up and go to the gym and that place has a heated pool and sauna!!!

Day 3 we decided to use more amenities and sign up for x-country skiing. I thought maybe it would be something in between alpine skiing and snow shoeing. OMFG, those damn skis. Who can keep from stepping on them?!? And that sliding motion is so goddamn unnatural. I hated x-country, and again, we were out on those trails for like 3 hours. I started to get SUPER cranky and I was at the end of the pack. Fucking two days of death marching in the damn snow.

Day 4 was dog sledding. When we turned up, one of the staffers was this huge burly guy. His face was so red– like bluish-frostbitten red. I ain’t about that life. They had like 90 doggies– all dirty and rugged, pooping and peeing everywhere. I mean, it was good exposure for me bc too often I’m like living in the Disneyfied version of the world, apparently. But I mean, that dude and those dogs– that was true ruggedness.

The sledding was really unique and cool. We split off into groups and I started as a rider in the sled, then later we switched and I was the driver. I had TWO incidents where I fell off the fucking sled. The second time, I still grabbed on for dear life and the dogs dragged me along. It reminded me of those times I tried to get up the wall at the Ninja Warrior gym. I just dangled there for fucking ever. Yup, the sledding incidents were embarrassing, but whatev. Yet another awkward moment for the books! Like I said earlier: I’m not rated for this godforsaken place. It just continued the theme.

The other eyeopening thing about this trip? I re-affirmed that I am a big time curmudgeon. The whole time, everyone in the group was so chipper and happy and excited about being there. From the get go, they were like, we should have booked this place for a WEEK or TWO! And they were like, we gotta do this every year…. Say what, Willis? It was just funny the contrast. I mean, I was happy to be there bc I mean, it’s N’s big 4-0. And the place was beautiful, but more days? And a return trip in the winter? Hell no. And I am def not nearly as expressive as her other friends. I realized that I’m kinda like my parents that way… stoical and just not that happy or positive about anything. Am I going down that path? Perhaps. Or maybe I’ll just hold steady where I am. See? Too much fucking self-reflection.

Anyway, here are the pics. Big Sky, Montana. Cross it off the list. :)[FAG id=7501]

Eldercare Round 3

Holy crap, it has been one hell of a week! On Tuesday night, after my father-in-law was admitted to the hospital following multiple incidents of falling and fainting, doctors ran a bunch of tests and concluded that the culprit was leukemia, specifically CMML. The physician suggested a series of chemo treatments (to start the very next day: Wednesday, January 25), with the goal of providing two years of “good quality of life.” Say, what? Just. like. that. Life changes in a flash.

On Tuesday evening, J used his United MileagePlus points (once again… the only airline that offers non-gouging award flights on zero notice) to fly out first thing Wednesday morning. He already had a trip planned back East for February 1, but given the complexity and severity of the situation, sooner seemed better. The family delayed the chemo start one more day so they could discuss the approach further amongst themselves and seek additional clarification from the doctor. My FIL was very apprehensive about undergoing such a plan with his advanced age, but after further consultation, chemo emerged as the only true option forward.

J’s presence has been instrumental in handling meals for his mom, shuttling her to the hospital to visit dad, and keeping track of all the medical info. Similar to my experience in May 2015 when my grandfather underwent brain surgery and was laid up in the ICU, J is exhausted doing all these things that fall under the generic yet inadequate umbrella term of “caretaking.” Jesus, that term totally does not do the role justice.

Anyway, so far the chemo has gone well. J says Dad goes in and out of lucidity (supposedly very common among old folks) and he is increasingly weak, but the doctor says the post scans and blood results show the treatment is performing as expected. Good news! 

Full Day of Research

As soon as I woke up this morning, I called my parents. I’m actually surprised I didn’t get the usual call from them on Friday or Saturday night… anyway, they are gearing up for another trip back to Asia, and honestly, my dad did not sound or look well. He is stressed.

He keeps saying there’s too much to do and he’s trying to simplify, but I dunno: I feel like it’s a year later and he still hasn’t offloaded multiple properties that were already pending last year… it’s complicated. And then when I asked him about the primary residence, again, he said the house behind them is for sale so there’s too much competition.

I repeated to him that we have limited time, and we lived and enjoyed the family home for many decades. It doesn’t have to have a high return on investment, bc it’s not an investment property. Ugh. He always agrees, but then when push comes to shove, he basically sticks with his original thinking. In other words, he verbally agrees, but then his actions don’t. It’s frustrating.

I also reiterated that he and mom need to decide where they want to live: Taiwan or the US, bc we are going to need to start researching places, esp given mom’s declining mental state. I asked if mom even likes living in Taiwan, and he said he didn’t know. See? That’s how damn detached my family is from their emotions. Everything is a pragmatic decision to the point that they don’t even recognize having preferences or wants. Argh!!

I then said I wanted to speak to mom, and as he walked the phone (Facetime) upstairs, he started to cry, saying yes, take the opportunity now to talk to her while she still knows who we are… And then my heart just kind of broke.

After all these years, I have only seen my father cry a handful of times. He didn’t even cry when his mother died. I tried to stay strong and focus on next actions. Last week, Johnny had emailed dad all this stuff about the benefits of meditation in combating dementia. I didn’t read the email, but I had seen the subject line since my dad has me monitor his email. I asked dad, and he just said he couldn’t ever rely on my brother and he didn’t read any of that. He didn’t print it out for mom either, bc she won’t be able to read and understand it. It’s true: Johnny linked to like medical abstracts and shit… I mean, I guess he’s trying to appeal to my dad’s medical background to convince/persuade him, but Jesus Christ, my father is no longer in that state. He is clearly overwhelmed.

Still, I’m glad Johnny brought up the topic, bc it is indeed true. So I told my dad that I would research meditation and yoga exercises and send them forward. I pretty much researched shit all day long: I combed through YouTube to find decent guided exercises— one in meditation and then several for chair yoga. My parents need to fucking get moving! Seriously, their isolation and sedentary lifestyle is only worsening their decline! And this is certainly a reminder that I need to get my own activity levels going…

After that research, I started looking into assisted living options. There are A LOT in this area, and I even found a Chinese community, but it’s kinda gross inside. And my dad likes shit new, clean, and fancy. I cross-referenced a bunch of sources: Yelp, Caring.com, US News & World Reports… I have a list now but shit, maybe I’ll just drop in and tour a few. Price-wise, holy shit that crap is expensive. We’re talking $7k-$9k/month and I don’t even know if that includes having to buy the property or what. Argh!! J also suggested looking a bit father out, like maybe Walnut Creek or Morgan Hill…

And then I suddenly felt so deflated. I mean, how scary to not know where to live and then to enter into a community where you don’t know anybody… My parents aren’t exactly social people, and… I dunno. Thinking about the whole thing just made me so sad. I mean, fortunately, my parents have resources, but shit, while they are rich in resources, they are certainly poor in friendships and in community. I was glad to find many of the places offering programs for dementia and Alzheimer’s, but then I was thinking: how uncomfortable will it be for dad if he has to hang out with all dementia people? Is it better then to have them buy a condo/residence and then we hire in-home care? I just don’t know, and I doubt that they even know. Then, it’s like: should they live with us? Seems unlikely and yet I worry about them finding a suitable place. And now I see the dilemmas they’ve been facing all along with my grandparents… This life shit really does come full circle, right? I’m feeling so overwhelmed.

Meanwhile, my father in-law fell multiple times last week. Then his feet started swelling and now he’s in the hospital until Tuesday. His bloodwork shows a serious infection: he received multiple blood transfusions and is now on oxygen. Before, doctors thought he had Parkinson’s bc he seemed to respond to those meds, but now they are suspecting leukemia or MDS. My mind is racing in a gabillion directions right now. I’m gonna have to start up on that meditation shit myself.

Today I Marched

With networking events every single night this week, by Friday evening, I was just pooped. I had originally planned to march in San Jose on Saturday, but with the torrential rains and whatever, my resolve was quickly waning.

This morning, I woke up still feeling sluggish and slow to get going. But I went. And I’m so glad I did. I coordinated going with my friend W. Then, during the march, I met up with T and an old crew from my govvie job. It was good to see everyone, and thankfully, it didn’t rain! Most importantly, it felt comforting gathering with so many people in solidarity for women’s rights.

Unfortunately though, by the time we reached the march destination for the speakers, I was distracted. I couldn’t hear the speakers very well, and then W and I got into our own conversation about real estate…

We left the march in the early afternoon and went back to her house. There, we got into a different conversation with her husband about democracy and progress and the future. He was hopeful and encouraging, but he also stressed that today is only the beginning.

Tonight, while catching up on my blog, I realized something I neglected to mention earlier. On Tuesday, when I randomly went into credit unions and banks to meet with their loan agents, one of the people I met was the mother of Audrie Pott. I only pieced together what that truly meant later after I’d gone home to research all my new contacts via LinkedIn. I noticed in her profile, the Audrie Pott Foundation. The name sounded familiar but I couldn’t quite place it. Then, after a quick Google, to my horror, I was reminded of the tragic story.

I have yet to watch the documentary about Audrie’s story, and already, I am overcome with anger and sadness and disbelief. THIS is why I marched today. Women in the US have come a long way, but my god, there is still so much farther to go. When boys and men think it’s ok to disrespect us, to abuse us, to assault us… there is something still so very wrong. Rape culture is fucking real. These boys– childhood friends whom she trusted– they did this to her!! And there was no remorse. No regret. This is fucking bullshit, and we have to ask, how/where are these kids learning this????

This is why it matters when Trump says shit like “go grab the pussy” and when he gropes and assaults women without consequence. Learn about consent, you fucking asshole!

I am so sickened by people who say they voted for Trump. They defend their vote, insisting that they are NOT bigots or sexists or assholes, but that they want lower taxes or they want factories and jobs to stay domestic. The ONE good doesn’t justify all the bad, you know? Jesus Christ! Would you invite your accused pedophile uncle to live in your house with your family just bc he promised to give you free childcare? You can’t be a cafeteria Catholic and pick out the good but ignore the bad! Trump is a goddamn disaster: shrewd businessman or not, he lacks integrity and honesty. And now you’ve given him the most powerful position in the country. I am disgusted.