Keeping the Momentum

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Whew, I am so glad my class is done. That said, I am only giving myself a brief respite, bc I am totally paranoid about losing the momentum. I keep telling myself that success never comes easy; don’t lose steam!

In terms of moving ahead, I already knew this but somehow doing the various lead generation activities really opened my eyes to just how much quality trumps quantity. Looking at the stats, all those efforts reaching out to strangers (“un-mets” as we call them in the biz) show super low conversion. Cold calls, door knocking, flyering… To get one warm lead, you gotta hit hundreds of people. So I’m going to zone back in on a more targeted approach.

So I’m brainstorming a few ideas:

  1. Tabling with the banks for loan days. These people at least already have an account at the bank and they are physically present for a possible pre-approval session with my partner lender.
  2. Tabling at workplaces during lunch for an “Ask the Realtor” or “The Realtor is in” session. Another version of this might be a lunch and learn session.
  3. A regular schedule for homebuying classes.
  4. Calls to For Sale by Owners and Expired Listings.
  5. Calls to more lenders and experienced agents who have open houses I can host.

I also need to fill all of my lunches and dinner with meetings. Yeah, as the coach reminded: 100 contacts/week is NOT something to be celebrated. That is the bare minimum. Yikes. There’s a new baseline now.

Fortunately, I am FINALLY starting to see some traction. I know, I can’t believe it! One of the lenders with whom I did the loan days in April called while I was in Nashville. She has two clients who were getting pre-approved with her and they are NOT working with an agent. One dude already set up an appointment with the other agent she recommended. The second guy, I’m hoping to hear from. It’s one of those things though where the buyers want my info but they don’t want the lender to pass their info to me… Yup, people are hypersensitive these days about their privacy. So I’m waiting.

From my homebuying class, as I mentioned, none of the attendees were people I reached from canvassing; that said, turnout was solid. Two parties were former colleagues at the university, and two other parties were notified via my neighbors. I’m so grateful for the support of others. It makes such a big difference. I have 3-4 warm leads from my class… people who are considering buying in the next 12 months.

There is also an agent up in Burlingame whom I met many months ago through my volunteer group, Linkages. He’s been so generous with his time and advice. His aunt is selling her house next month in Milpitas (closer to me), so I’ve been checking in with him weekly, following up on the schedule, and I’m planning to help him with canvassing and flyering for the upcoming open house. He’s been so so good to me, and I have to say, with him being Chinese-American, there’s so much commonality that I would not have anticipated. Like even talking about the condition– the upkeep and maintenance of the aunt’s house. The way Chinese people live in their spaces… it is so different. And all the activities in BOLD. His mom, who is also a Realtor, was so uncomfortable with the prospecting, not to mention the Money Magnet exercise. Anyway, it was so helpful to hear his perspective and be reminded that these are all tools we need to assess for ourselves and then select the ones that work for us.

I will say that I struggle with parts of life that require selectivity. On one hand, I’m pretty curious and I like to learn, so I attend all kinds of classes and events and trainings. There is some part of me that wants to believe if I just follow the prescription of the experts, I will make it. The concept of a blueprint for success appeals to the side of my brain that likes things to be black and white and just very clear. And my idolization of specialists also drives me to believe in their secrets and in their tactics. Like that show, Married at First Sight. Despite the craziness of the premise, there is some part of me that believes or wants to believe the experts with all their knowledge, wisdom, and tests will be able to run their matchmaking algorithm and come up with the right fit! Never mind that in four seasons with three couples each, only 1/12 have worked out! Still, when the Bold trainer says not to take the class a la carte, I like that bc it’s less mental strain: I can focus on the techniques and not think about the details of what to apply when and where.

The problem with this mentality is that despite my affinity for simple and straightforward, I also have a very independent, judging, and defiant mind. So in my head, both sides are constantly at war with one another. Even as I had resolved from the beginning to “not do this a la carte,” I was thinking and evaluating at every single stage! I mean, while I consider myself more of a generalist than a specialist, this ain’t my first rodeo in life, you know? I have some amount of life experience and wisdom to bring to the table, and why should my opinions or thoughts be dismissed? Like the language, the word choice, the delivery, etc. I’ve worked in communications for a very long time. 

So here’s my dilemma: In my DISC personality profile, my D (dominance) is super high, meaning I’m driven towards execution and getting things done. But there is a detail part of my brain that likes to know how things work and to check the numbers. For example, when I held that swanky open house for the top producing agent, I was the one who noticed her flyers in her display box were inaccurate: The address was correct, but the pictures in the flyer were wrong, as was the website URL. Also, when my lender prepped his slides for my homebuying class last week, I found an error in his financing scenario. When my coach sent out market data stats to his students, I caught errors in his calculations and graphic (I was maintaining my own separate spreadsheet to track the market changes). I mean, mistakes happen. I’m not saying that I’m infallible, but I’m just saying that I do look at the details. So as I went through the training, I gave thought to what we were instructed to say… and I didn’t always agree with the technique. But you see my issue: my mind has internal conflict and flip flops.

The one thing that I really liked about Bold– My team captain really proved to me that you can deliver the scripts in a natural and compelling manner. I mean, he didn’t follow them verbatim, but he understood their intention and used them as talking points. Honestly, he modeled the conversations even better than the coaches. So my conclusion is that it can be done. I don’t believe in winging anything, so I’m going to study/practice/internalize the main points of the scripts and then aim to deliver them convincingly. With practice will come confidence and effectiveness. That’s right: time to Elizabeth Dole this shit.

Shortcuts

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I gotta admit: anxiety is a strange beast. I mean, I always have some chronic level of anxiety: honestly, I feel it’s just a part of life when you’re an over thinker and/or a perfectionist. There is always something to worry about and obsess over bc shit’s just not quite right.

It’s funny though bc even though I identify as an over thinker, I don’t really consider myself a perfectionist. That’s a totally separate thing, and given my nonchalance about the details of our home reno, I do feel I have a certain freedom that perfectionists don’t necessarily have. Like the old shower tile work wasn’t completely straight but heck, I never even noticed until now… like seven years later. We ran out of floor tile and another box of it was on backorder for months, so we just substituted a similar but DIFFERENT tile for underneath the vanity. It’s covered up anyway.

And I kinda do hacks/shortcuts like this all the time. Just yesterday, I had my first homebuying class right? I wore my new CAbi jumpsuit with my Vince Camuto peep toe booties. My feet are looking rough these days. I just haven’t been doing my usual home pedis. So my toes were looking bad. And my event was set to start in one hour. My solution? I put on my shoes and just painted the exposed toes. Yeah, I couldn’t even be bothered to polish the ring and pinky toes on my feet. Oh well, that’s just going to have to do. And I do nutty shit like that all the time. I had this bedazzled necklace on a fabric backing that just would NOT lay flat. I kept re-tying it to get it right, but it just kept folding over itself, so fuck it: I pulled a Donald Trump tie trick. That’s right: I got a piece of packing tape, doubled it into a loop, and voila, that mofo stayed flat against my shirt. Of course, as the day wore on and the tie/sash loosened, that middle medallion sat nonsensically perfectly positioned. What can I say: I gotta pick and choose my battles, man.

So the thing I’ve noticed in the last several weeks is that anxiety compounds itself. I got so wound up over everything that 24 hrs later, I am still trying to fully decompress. It’s like my body got used to the elevated stress and then almost forgot how to come back down from it.

Right now I’m en route to Nashville, and it’s funny but my college bud’s girlfriend is an uber planner, so I am just showing up. I mean, overall, I enjoy travel planning, esp bc I have my process down, but every now and then, I certainly appreciate the luxury of just showing up. Seriously, after we settled on the dates MONTHS ago, she researched and booked lodging, car, and created a Google docs filled with things to do. I didn’t have to coordinate with the AirBnb lady. No searching things to do on TripAdvisor or any of the travel guides. Bam, it’s already done. Thank goodness, bc I have been maxed out and would not have made time for it on my plate.

In other news, my bathroom reno is still happening. It’s SO frustrating but essentially, after we selected our GC, we thought the only piece he was going to outsource was plumbing. However, after the project got underway, he ended up outsourcing electrical, tile work, painting… I ended up using our gardener’s brother bc he was available sooner and I wanted to try him out, but that has turned out disappointing too. He works full time and then does our stuff after hours, and things have just dragged on bc he can’t come every day. The interplay def has not been optimal and I’m super frustrated by it but I am learning for the future. Construction project management is only good when you have a well-oiled army of good, reliable, punctual contractors. That’s what it all boils down to. I had to ride my painter already and it was not comfortable, and now I know for next time that I want a very specific schedule breakdown and calendar of availability. Sure, it’s not the end of the world, but a month plus was just way longer than I had allotted in my mind. Right now, we should be done by the end of next week. Ugh. I just want to put crap away into the new vanity and remove all that junk lying around my bedroom floor.

Meanwhile, our friends recently got their master bath majorly re-done. The project dragged on for months and months. Finally, it was done and they enjoyed their new monster bathtub several times, only to discover water leaks three floors down in the garage. And no one knows why that is happening but clearly, the new bathroom is the culprit and all that beautiful new chevron porcelain tile is gonna have to come out. Major shit. Plumbing problems are THE worst. For a split second, I entertained the idea of being a female plumber. I figured solid waste engineering already prepped me for the conditions, but nope. Too many problems with water damage. I’m out.

What else. Oh, I attended a CAbi networking event on Monday. My friend T had suggested at the host party that I should become a CAbi stylist. It’s basically a Pampered Chef but with clothes. Frankly, I’m already knee-deep in the throes of a sales job and I’m already overwhelmed. But, I got invited to the event and I figured it would be another opportunity to meet new people. It was ok, and I always like learning about organizations where women are entrepreneurial and you know, flourishing in business. Still, those multilevel marketing programs are just hard for me to accept. I like the clothes. I do think they are much nicer worn than hanging on display, but I mean, I’m almost exclusively a second-hand clothing woman now. I just don’t value clothes enough to pay $80-$100 for a blouse and $130+ for jeans or pants. Since the hosted party event I attended last month, I found CAbi stuff on Schoola and Thredup, so I’ve been acquiring more pieces– just not at full price. Regardless, it was an ok event and I made some new connections. But shit, I am tired.

Money Magnet

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Like I have been saying all along, the end of my sales program can NOT come soon enough. My final class is next week! Woo hoo. From the get go, there were pieces of the program that just rubbed me the wrong way. Day 1, I got put into a group of 9 with only ONE other woman. In picking a team name, the captain– a super suave prep charmer dude– insisted on something with “money” in it. Ugh, really? Well, I was outnumbered. Our team name became Team Money: Keep it 100. WTF does that mean, I wondered. Apparently, the Keep it 100 is from some rap song. Somehow I was designated the team scribe for our posters and tally scoreboard. I thought the Keep it 100 was like Keep the $100… you know, like I’m flush with cash so you just keep that extra bit. Nope. Got that wrong. The 100 is like 100 percent, not $100, so the saying means to keep things 100% or keep it real. Honestly, thank goodness I have had an entire lifetime of being a social and cultural misfit… this was YET another one of those occasions. And the only other woman on my team is a 20-something whose mom and sister are both Realtors. Fine, whatever. Team Money it is. Then, we had to come up with a team chant/cheer. I mean, usually, I’m not that creative with that team spirit stuff, so I had nothing to offer… Naturally, the chant was, “If it doesn’t make dollars, it doesn’t make cents. Ching, ching, ching” (with the motion of like sliding bills off a fat stack). Ugh. I mean, how money obsessed are we? I was so disgusted, but whatever. I didn’t have any ideas and whatever, be a team player and all. So fast forward several weeks and the coach is trying to get us to up our “financial thermostat”… like identify what our level is– below or above which, we get uncomfortable. So the thing is, I have a weird relationship with money. I like to save it, but I am not obsessed with acquiring things. Sure, I like a comfortable life but it’s not like I wish I had a yacht or Ferrari or personal jet or whatever. As it is, I already feel super blessed and spoiled. So we do this exercise where every day we receive a deposit of money and we have to spend it ALL by the end of the day. The next day, we get another infusion and it’s double the previous amount. We’re not allowed to save or gift the money. The idea is that people with high money goals know how they plan to spend it and that helps them push to hit that goal. So people are like doing fancy $100k+ cars and luxury bags and private jets and personal chefs… I dunno. I bought my parents a house and just invested in real estate mostly. But it just felt like a really materialistic exercise and after my day with the homeless lady, I just was not in the mood.

But the shit just kept flowing. We were instructed to each bring 20 $1 bills to class. The coach claimed that people have a weird relationship with money which often forces them to push it away, so this exercise is supposed to have us welcome and want money. Huh? So no joke: each person lies down on the floor. The teammates throw the dollar bills over him/her (like it’s raining money) while s/he exclaims, “I’m a money magnet,” over and over again and grabs at the money. I was so disgusted by this and yet… people on my team thought it was funny. They like took pictures and videos. WTF. Where the fuck am I???? There was something about it that felt so cheap and sleazy and after I came home and described it to John, we realized what it was. It was as if I were a prostitute being thrown dollar bills. And some people on my team even released the bills in that Ching, Ching, Ching fashion like you would see in rap videos. It was so fucking ridiculous.

And the thing is, my partner is that 23 y/o chick. She was totally into it. Like she totally knew the Keep it 100 line, the rap song, everything. I mean, I suppose there’s two decades of life between us. She’s sweet enough but I dunno. Clearly she didn’t read things the way I did. Just for some background: she’s also a pro golfer who has hung out with Shaquille O’Neil and shit, so obviously, we run in different circles.

Another example of the huge disconnect? The other day, she asked me: do you ever have meetings with potential clients where they just set an appointment with you so they can ask you out?

Um, no. I can’t say that has EVER happened to me. In real estate. In my other jobs. In anything. SMH. I mean, am I an alien to the nth degree or what?!?!?

Fortunately, after talking to John and my friend G and a few other peers, I am starting to see that I’m not alone in sensing all these red flags. Yesterday at the office, I talked with a lady who’s around my age and she revealed that every fucking week, during the class, she is counting down the hours and minutes AND wanting to run the fuck out of there every chance she gets. She also found the money magnet exercise super cheap and degrading. And she didn’t like the hyper focus on money in general. Not everyone is in real estate for the money! Anyway, I had a great conversation with her and it was just a relief to find someone who was on the same page. She also hates the scripts and referred me to a book that uses better language.

Then she also gave me a warning. She used to be a mortgage lender and she said the sales culture can be very destructive. She knows a lot of people who have gotten divorced, broke up their families, etc. bc they get caught up in the lifestyle. You work late hours, you work weekends, you have to meet lots of new people so there’s a lot of happy hours and partying and whatever. Be careful. I mean, honestly, I don’t think it’s a problem for a dowdy, awkward, alien like me, but it was interesting just hearing her perspective bc subconsciously, I had already noticed how many people in real estate are divorced…

I remember at the environmental agency, a colleague of mine divorced his wife a few years ago. The reason in their case was that she got all caught up in the “startup” lifestyle. And oddly, I’ve been saying to Bubs that my job is very much like working at a startup. I meant it more in the way of long hours and high stress plus the pressure of sales like when Bubs was in the game and ALWAYS thinking about work. But I guess there’s also some truth to the sales culture involving a lot of schmoozing. Anyway, something to keep in mind. I hope I keep my head on straight.

Breaking Point

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OMFG, my body has been all kinds of fucked up the last week. First, I had been fureaking out about my homebuying class, which was tonight. Usually, I am not THAT bad about public speaking, but I suppose the combo of having to deal with the lagging home reno plus my prospecting class plus delivering a real estate preso for the first time ever, plus worrying about all sorts of other “adulting” familial matters just put my stress levels through the roof. I was having constant tummy aches; my fingers were numb; I was having diarrhea for like days on end… it was seriously getting out of control.

On top of that, I had to prep the preso slides– most were existing content from my coach, but they were not in any kind of consistent template and the ordering was all non sequitor. When I spoke to my coach, he kept telling me that typical turnout is 25% or less for such events. And then my lender did not prep his slides. We were supposed to do a dry run rehearsal last week and now it was the day before, and he didn’t have any slides done. In fact, I got his slides two hours before go time tonight.

Long story short, my body was revolting. I’d started prepping my talk a few days ago and I did a few dry runs. Bubs is always more critical than not: Confusing here. Not enough emphasis there. Too many slides. blah, blah. That commentary was yesterday, so I was already feeling up to the wire. More tweaks. Bubs is just so sharp on that shit… all that business acumen from his startup days I think. Ugh, I was feeling underprepared and not good enough!

Somehow though, I woke up today feeling calmer than the previous two days. I kicked off my day with many tracks of Meditation Oasis… thanks, G! That shit is specific too, with stuff on like emergency anxiety relief. Thankfully, the day started off ok. I attended a volunteer event at the office and felt moderately calm. Then, in the afternoon, I did one more dry run with Bubs two hours before show time. More feedback. More tweaks. Fuck!!!

The good news is that 19 people registered and 12 people attended. I was disappointed that NONE of the attendees were people from my door knocking and flyering/canvassing efforts. Two came from my contacts who passed along my info. Four were people from my last job. The rest found out about my event on EventBrite. Of course, as 6pm came around, I was starting to worry bc only 3 people were on time. And my coach was telling me to start on time out of respect for those who were punctual.

My talk went ok. Bc of the stragglers who came in after I got started and I made last minute tweaks, it wasn’t perfect… there was a part where my voice lost confidence bc I expected a different slide than what was next. But whatever: Bubbey said he was really proud of me. And my own coach said he could tell I’d done public speaking before. After my part was done, my coach came in for a few slides and then the lender came on. He went so slowly, I was really getting antsy. But it was weird bc even though he got way down into the weeds, people asked questions and that indicates at least some interest and engagement.

Many people also stayed afterwards to talk to me and well, I’m going to follow up and hope this converts into something. I’m just so relieved it’s done. Several areas to change, but I’m happy with the outcome given that it was my inaugural talk as a Realtor. Shoutout to Bubs for prepping all the food and snacks. I’m grateful also to my former colleagues who attended, as well as my neighbors who helped me spread the word.

Tomorrow, we’re headed to Nashville for a long weekend. I honestly did feel like I was breaking this week, but thankfully, I am ok and I will enjoy our time with my college bud J and his gal. Next Wednesday, I graduate from my sales class. I will say, that shit has been a struggle every damn week… with the activities and some bizarre brainwashing/quasi-cult things. I spoke with a colleague today who is also participating and she said every class, she wants to leave and not come back. It was interesting that she had similar doubts and repulsions bc I felt like I was the only one not drinking the KoolAid. More on that stuff later. I def grew a lot and so many things would not have happened if it weren’t for the class: cold calling, door knocking, canvassing, my homebuyer class… still, it’ll be nice to exercise my own adult judgement on what is appropriate in terms of how to proceed.

Ok. I am beat but still mentally wired. Going to try to sleep now.

Seeking Shelter

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In my sales/prospecting program, many of the students are feeling maxed out and on the verge of a meltdown. The coach keeps explaining though that when life transformation occurs, people have the meltdown(s) and then they let off the gas pedal. He insists that the correct response is to depress the pedal even further, bc you are right at the cusp of a breakthrough. I mean, I absolutely believe that people can surprise themselves with the depth of their strength but shit man, I’m not gonna lie: I am counting the days til this thing is over bc I am tired, boss. In addition, I am feeling so much anxiety! The culprit for the anxiety shifts around among different things but still, there’s just a high baseline of stress that’s causing my skin to get itchy and inflamed plus I am having all kinds of bad dreams.

In the beginning, I was super freaked out about the cold calling. Then, I got desensitized to that but I got tired of the inefficiency, so I switched to door knocking. I liked that better but again, it was hard to get people to come to their doors. So then I hit up the public spots. I started to really prefer the latter, as people seemed generally pleasant. But then, as I started doing that more, I suppose my sample size got larger and well, I started to encounter the jerkies. By then, I had fortunately developed a thicker skin but still, the annoyance is never going to be a zero.

Since my Whole Foods experience last Wednesday, I’ve hit up the Sunnyvale public park, the library, and then shopping/park areas in Santa Clara. I’ve already reached my 100 people for week 5. Of course now the coach has asked us to aim for a Bold 100 (100 people all in one day) + 60 additional people. WTF with the changing goal posts. I mean, I’m going to just say, I believe in metered and steady, so that 100 in one day ain’t happening. I agree that more numbers is always a good thing but… I have my limits. Some people in the class reach all 100 people via calling. That equates to about 9 hours of calling in one day. I think that’s pretty insane, and I’m skeptical as to how many leads they get from it. Then again, I still don’t have clients, so who am I to say.

Incidentally, when I hit up the park on Friday afternoon, the third person I approached with my homebuying class flyer turned out to be an older woman walking with her small dog… As we conversed, she told me she was homeless and living in her car. I mean, you have to remark on the irony of it all, right? Here I am, scouring public places in search of buyers for homes that average near $1M, and now in front of me, another human needs a place to stay and a place to shower. She went into her whole sob story: her hubby supported them; he got very ill; she was his caretaker; he died in December and his family never liked or supported her so now she’s living in her car. Honestly, it was heartbreaking and I just kept thinking about those asshole Republicans in the House who just voted to strip healthcare from regular people. Luckily, she had a phone. I promised her I would look around for resources in the area and get back to her. She left.

Afterwards, I felt so ridiculous with what I was doing, so I walked a few blocks to the public library and asked the info desk for stuff on homeless resources. I also got a bicycle map with all the Sunnyvale streets. I went back to the park, called her, and then I circled/plotted a few key places. But when I dialed a bunch of numbers, the places were closed or the numbers no longer worked. And I was running out of juice on my damn phone. I told her I would research more and call her later. Had she eaten today? Yes. I gave her $20 for gas or food, and she was so touched and thankful, she started to cry as she walked away. Over $20, folks. It made me so sad seeing how such a small gesture and small amount of money moved her so much. It only goes to show that she has not seen much kindness. Poor lady.

I walked to my car parked on the other side of the park and then I just started to bawl. I mean, what kind of world is this where $20 represents some generous act of kindness that brings someone in apparent need to tears?!? The world is a fucked up place. I have always known and understood that life is unfair, but sometimes the disparity is just so jarring and disturbing. There really can be no god.

That night, I could not sleep. I got home and called a gabillion numbers. Wrong numbers. Closed. Fax numbers. It was a royal clusterfuck of an experience. I went to bed feeling completely frustrated and spoiled, what with my heated mattress topper. Fuck, what is she going to do?

At 7am the next morning, Evangelina called. She asked if I’d found anywhere for her to stay. No, but let me try again this morning. More internet research, more wrong numbers. I must have dialed 25+ places. When I did speak to people, their facilities were either full or there was a 2-4 month waitlist for housing, or they only helped victims of domestic violence or teens or pregnant women… Finally, around 9am, I found a 250-bed shelter in San Jose. The place guarantees the first night for anyone who is new. After that, they run a daily lottery for beds. I also spoke with two case workers who asked me to have Evangelina call them. I called Evangelina and was so relieved to finally give her some options.

J kept telling me that I’m such a good person for helping her. But strangely, I feel ridiculous: How easy is it for me to be able to pass her off to someone else so that the “system” can help her. I mean, it’s still a cop out no matter how you dice it. At the same time though, society makes you afraid and cautious…

I’m so grateful for the kind souls who do this kind of difficult social services work. And I am glad, esp in California that we have programs for people. I know in my heart of hearts, there isn’t much difference between Evangelina and me. The distinction is privilege– not even anything of my own doing. I live a fucking charmed life, and I want to remember that every. damn. day.

Pounding the Pavement

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Aw man, I just wrote a huge long post and then I started to fall asleep… As I went to save, I actually did NOT save and now it’s all gone. Fucking A. Argh!

Anyway, one of my revelations of late is that door knocking and canvassing are now my lead gen activities of choice. Why? Bc I can reach more people in less time. Yeah, that cold calling stuff was bullshit. I mean, people just don’t answer their phones anymore. And when they do, their radar for anything salesy is on super high alert. Five words in and I’m shut down. It sucked.

With door knocking, at least I am really practicing body language, speaking, and you know, building rapport. So after our weekend in Temecula, I was all worried of course about hitting my numbers. As soon as we landed in SJC, I went home, changed, printed out more flyers, and I hit up three parks in Santa Clara. In 2-3 hours, I also passed by some open houses, went in, and then continued on. The factors that worked in my favor? It was Sunday and the weather was beautiful. Families were out together enjoying the sunshine. For the most part, people weren’t in a huge hurry and maybe being in the presence of their kids also made them behave more politely. I mean, don’t get me wrong, on the path between the parks, I still ran into some jerks. They cut me off and glared like I was majorly inconveniencing them, what with my 10 seconds of talking… On the plus side, I also ran into one family where the dude stopped, listened, and responded, “Right on, yeah, we’ll see you there!” Say what? His reply made me laugh, even if he still probably won’t attend. It’s pretty interesting just the spectrum of reactions… In those two hours, I reached about 45 people, which is a good use of time I think. I def felt better about my numbers.

The next day, I hit up the library and then my office park. I really thought my office park would be a slam dunk, esp since people work in the adjacent buildings but eh… after walking the public spaces at lunch for a few days, it was generally the same people. Some very pleasant and nice. Others not so much.

But today we had the fifth of seven classes in my prospecting program. Afterwards, I was feeling motivated to up the attendance for my homebuying class next week, so I tried the Whole Foods. I spoke with the manager and got approval to hand out my flyers. Holy. Crap. People were super rude. They wouldn’t even take my flyer. And it was hotter than hell outside too. I dunno if maybe they were on a schedule or what but people were extremely snobbish and unfriendly. Still, I decided to give it an hour… things did get better and I actually had two real conversations… including someone who asked me about strategies to win in a multi-offer situation. I came clean and said I was new but I had spoken with a lot of lenders who shared what they did to help close the deals. He seemed happy with my reply and said he would consider going to my class! Woo hoo.

There was a moment today though standing outside of the Whole Foods the first 20 minutes when I felt very vulnerable and defeated. But then something inside me resolved that I’m not going to be shamed into leaving sooner than I originally planned just bc some people think they are better or think I offer zero value. I’m not there for them and I won’t be intimidated by their busyness or urgency or impatience. I reached probably 30 people. I can’t say I’ll return but never say never. 🙂 I’m sometimes a glutton for punishment after all.

Temecula Wine Country

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Last Thursday, J and I celebrated 14 years of marriage. We flew out late that morning to Ontario, CA and drove out to Temecula. No one has really heard of Temecula, but I got wind that it was a smaller wine country in southern California, so I figured it would be a nice spot to scout out for a weekend.

Flying out of SJC, we are def getting our process down, and with TSA Pre, we are through security and to the gate in about 15 minutes. Yippee! On the other end, we did the over-optimization thing where J waited for our bags while I went to get the rental car. I know, we are ridic. But man, Lorraine over at Budget Rental hooked us up! What a pleasant lady. She had a warm smile and when she told me they were all out of sedans and only had the mini van available, I mentioned that J had a thing for mini-vans. She then proceeded to upgrade us to the Chrysler Pacifica, which ended up being an uber van. She was so sweet. As part of my new perspective on customer service/sales jobs, I’m going to write her a thank you note.

Anyway, J and I had a nice weekend even though internally, I was stressing out about hitting my 100 contacts… I know, I’m a total nerd. And when I talked with my friend N the day before, she basically said that my homework numbers were a false problem. I mean, true esp compared to her health woes (she now needs a knee replacement!!), but still. If I consider my homework numbers as an indicator of actual real estate leads that will come my way, it’s still important.. It’s fine: N and I go way back, so I understand her bluntness and her intention.

Anyway, I got us a room at Marriott’s Springhill Suites. Spacious but a bit dank and well, there was peeling wallpaper and cracked caulking… nonetheless, I didn’t feel like complaining after a long day. We had a lovely early dinner reservation at the local golf club. Yep, big time oldies in da house! I think we were done with dinner and headed home for bed like before 8pm. Haha.

Boy oh boy though, I sleep so much better when I am on travel. I dunno whether it’s all the things I need to do at home or the bathroom reno that’s cluttering my mind or what… I slept pretty damn well though.

The next day, we met up with my Duke Nonprofit classmate S (She’s also a camp counselor at Camp Wonder). Man, if you think I’m a research maven, this chick knows EVERYthing. Sure, Temecula is her hometown, but shit, I would not have that level of 411 on any place I’ve lived. She’s super succinct too, providing just the highlights without bogging us down with analysis paralysis. Yay!

Btw, I will say I got a warm lead for work! I’ve been posting some real estate stuff to Instagram and sending emails to my network… Turns out, a childhood friend is moving from PA to CA! She’s headed for big time snow country, but I was able to find a top producer agent and hook her up. We chatted via phone for the first time since probably college, and it was really nice to catch up! Kinda cool to reconnect.

By Saturday, J and I were ready to get out of Temecula. We hit up a couple of wineries with S on Friday, but J characterized wine country there as “very L.A.” In other words, beautiful and nice on the surface, but very little substance. For example, we did a couple of wine tastings, and the guy behind the counter just poured all the tastings out at once and then turned around. He didn’t even tell us what was what. Seriously, no description or background or tasting notes or anything. It was odd.

So on Saturday afternoon, we drove out to Carlsbad to meet up with my Chinese school friend, K. She and the fam have been in San Diego for many years, and we congregated at the Flower Fields. It was funny, bc there was a lot of back and forth beforehand on what to do and where to meet. She and the hubby have two small kids, and with the limited exposure that we’ve had, it’s stressful to figure out the right environment. She kept pushing back for us to just pick what we wanted to do and they would do it… J and I were so skeptical, but wow, what a pleasant experience.! Her kids are crazy well-behaved and the parents don’t hover. at. all. We had fun! But I will say, I felt a tad bit sad. For all these years, I’ve always considered their family to be a strong role model for J and me. They work hard but still manage to stay in shape and do all kinds of side activities… Things seemed different this time. They had let go of many of those past hobbies and I dunno: I just sensed some fatigue. I mean, their parents are both in Maryland and the fathers are having health issues, so I know the stress… I hope things get better for them. Sigh. Adulting is hard!

Small Things Matter

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In the last few years as I’ve encountered death and grieving with increasing frequency, I have learned a few things about acknowledgement and simple gestures. Coming from a family who’s atheist and on top of that, completely stoical and non celebratory, I used to think that flowers and cards and small gifts were extraneous and overly ritualistic.

But my friend N grew up in a very different household. They celebrated Christmas AND Hanukkah. They always sent cards and postcards and magnets during the holidays and whenever they traveled. At first, it all seemed rather silly and frivolous. Over time though, as I grew into an adult, I really came to appreciate such gentle reminders: Hey, someone is thinking of you.

When my SIL’s boyfriend M died almost two years ago, my friend K sent flowers. That was the first time I ever received flowers in sympathy. J and I were so stunned, we had no idea who would do such a thing. But by god, they were lovely to receive. And now, I have decided to adopt that practice, bc I remember how strongly the gift and note touched me.

In recent weeks, I have been reaching out to more people for my real estate business. I’ve contacted old friends, former acquaintances, colleagues, etc. I spent FORever drafting my message(s), but in the end, I pushed through and reached out. I’m not gonna lie: the response has been pretty subdued, and it hurts. Sure, for many of the relationships, we lost touch, and now, I’m technically asking for help, so why should anyone give two shits? You know, maybe it’s me but just bc I’m asking for help, I’m not trying to con people or rip anyone off. I’m asking for help, bc I’ve never done anything to harm you, I liked you, and I have a desire to help people build stability and wealth through homeownership. Why wouldn’t you offer support or encouragement or a simple acknowledgement/reply?

I guess it’s my own fault for having expectations, esp from people I know. Maybe it’s too much to hope that people will genuinely wish each other happiness and success. Some days, it gets me down. Out of hundreds of emails, I hear back from maybe 20 people max. Sigh.

The other day, at my sales/prospecting class, we did this exercise for a few minutes where we went around the room saying “no” to everyone we encountered. The point was to thicken our skins, bc in this business we get a LOT of rejection. I am def getting better about it with strangers through all these prospecting activities we’re doing, but with people I know, it’s hard to move on and not dwell. J tells me it’s not about me. But it’s something that still trips me up. I know I have to just keep my eye on the prize, bc ultimately the only one who’s going to stop me is myself.

Trying to Hack Guy Code

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Recently, I’ve realized that in the last six years, while Bubbey has worked so much, there have been multiple phases where I felt really touched/grateful/connected to certain guys. I should state up front that all of these relationships were/are purely platonic… but they were very special connections nonetheless.

Back in 2006, when I was at the fuel cell startup working a lot and Bubs was working a lot, I’d lost 10 lbs from the stress and I was so exhausted everyday working 12+ hrs. I was at the office really late one night, and I had to lift this super heavy dumpster lid and then slide a full 55-gal drum underneath. I was straining up on my tiptoes to get the lid high enough and my waist was hurting, and I reached for the drum and suddenly, the lid got light. J appeared out of nowhere and was there holding up the lid. Literally, he was like an angel who appeared to help me. Afterwards, walking back to the office he said all this stuff about how hard I worked at such a tough job and and how I was so undervalued. I remember that oftentimes, I would tell John how I felt like a glorified secretary– like the CEO’s bitch. He would agree. But J– J said I was like a VP of client relations: my job wasn’t admin bullshit– I was the first impression (through cold calls) and I was also the contact person throughout each project. He said I was executive level. It was amazing to have someone value me that way. I mean, for 8 months, I had worked like a dog and no one ever seemed to notice/help and suddenly, I realized that someone WAS noticing and he had actually been watching all along, acknowledging that I was really great at my job. That ONE moment bonded me to J forever.

And then with D, there was this period where I felt like all I ever got from John was “no” or resistance or lack of enthusiasm about activities. D signed up for Goldstar when I sent him the link; he signed up for Dropbox when I sent him that link. It’s like the silliest, smallest things and yet they were gestures that I appreciated because wow, someone actually bothered to join or subscribe just because that $1 Goldstar referral credit or 5 GB of free Dropbox space made me happy. And D, even if he was flaky at times, he always seemed to appreciate my researching of new things to do. He seemed to genuinely consider every offer while John only seemed to hope/pray for someone else to step forward as an activity buddy so he didn’t have to do things with me.

And now with J at work… I had been so upset about our friend being in the hospital. And I was so stressed with John trying to weasel out of every visit to the hospital because he was tired and the situation was socially uncomfortable. Then for someone to see visibly that I was preoccupied– and for him to ask me what was wrong. I didn’t even know J that well, but he remembered that I liked Adam Levine. After I had that meltdown in his office, later that day, he emailed me that he was listening to an Adam Levine interview on the radio…

What does John do to cheer me up? Does he even see anymore when I am upset? Does he see that HE upsets me? Clearly, it doesn’t take much for me to feel appreciated/noticed, and yet he has to be prodded and reminded. I have to be on the verge of a flipout before he stops to think.

I had a very public meltdown on Sunday evening. Yeah, we went to a new park for picnicking Sunday afternoon and well, I know our anniversary isn’t until the day after tomorrow, but it became very apparent to me that he had forgotten. Like last week, I got us tickets to War Horse and made dinner reservations at a new place to try… ON THE EXACT DATE. He didn’t say anything except that maybe 5:30 p.m. for dinner in SF was too early to leave work– maybe 6 or 6:30 p.m. would be better. So I said, I wanted to have a nice dinner without rushing around before the show. Then on Saturday, he asked me if I was free any other night this week— my heart lifted thinking maybe he remembered and wanted to plan something, but it was just to go out for his sister’s birthday. So anyway, at the park, I said that he doesn’t even remember important dates anymore. And then I just started sobbing uncontrollably. In the fucking park for like 15 minutes. I wanted to cancel the stupid dinner reservations, cancel the theater tickets. He had the goddamn nerve to give me some bullshit like it doesn’t count and it’s not fair because it’s not even the day yet and that he would have remembered. Um, when? When the calendar appointment that I put in gcal pops up at midnight on August 23? Fuck you.

That’s when I went shopping at Target afterwards. Who fucking cares. I’ll buy out the goddamn store. Red pants, pink pants, another sweater, whatever. Later, when I got home, he just said he was sorry he made me cry and he wanted to try to be a better hubby. Yeah, same old bullshit. Don’t try, just do.

Meanwhile, I mention karaoke party for the day before Labor Day to J at work, and he says he can’t make it: it’s his son’s bday. Wow, weeks in advance and he remembers an important date. Imagine that. The weird thing is, I told my manager about the picnic incident the next day, and he was like trying to tell me it doesn’t mean anything that John forgot. That it doesn’t mean he loves me less. I made some comment like well, I guess I do care a lot about these details, like dates, and he said, “well, it’s not really about forgetting the date. It’s not really about that.” And a light went off… exactly!!! Months ago, just like it wasn’t about him tying on the stupid bracelet, it’s not about the date. I mean, all morning Saturday, John’s harassing me about getting more clothes from Lululemon, because they look great on me. And I keep telling him that I don’t want to spend crazy dough on workout clothes!!! That I like buying clothes for work/everyday. He’s so fucking dense. Seriously, we’re like debating the whole thing back and forth… as if spending $100 on something I wouldn’t buy myself is his way of valuing me??? Uh hello, the whole week before, I’ve been obsessed with the uke. Did he ever think to just buy me a fucking $50 uke? Nope, I had to order it myself. That’s what I’m talking about. He just doesn’t get me. Whatever.

Yeah, I dunno what the thing is about the guy attention. It’s not even like I flirt with them or I want them… I just feel really chummy with them. I’ve been thinking about it more, and my conclusion is that the whole time, John tries to argue that my expectations are too high, that I’m too needy, that the Notebook is just a fluffy unrealistic Hollywood film. But to me, these guys demonstrate how the Notebook is real. Now obviously, I’m not in a relationship with any of them, and maybe they are different when they are in a romance, but still, they show how guys can listen and be emotionally available and they can still just pay attention.

Maybe with women, it’s more expected: I get a lot of support from all my girlfriends (thankfully); but in the end, who wants to listen to me complain about my shitty marriage when everyone else has great relationships? With guys, they just get snippets that John works a lot but they don’t dwell on it. They kinda do this thing where they pick up on things that make me happy and ask about that stuff– hobbies, interests, biking, whatever. I dunno. Like J from the startup always compliments what I wear— I mean sometimes he shares too much about my whole makeup thing but really, it’s about paying attention and really observing. You know? And in a way, I’ve also lost attentive Joe. He and I used to talk a lot at Oorja. Then he met the wife and they got married and I mean, we don’t have long overly analytic talks anymore. Now, he emails John instead and wants to do BBC stuff. It’s ok, but it’s just another example of something special that is lost. I guess my former coworker was right. I don’t like breaking up with people, bc I always remember “that time when…” My memory is what gives me hope for the future, but it’s also what reminds me of pain– often. I don’t forget how emotionally dead John responds to my needs. I don’t forget how sometimes I cry about us and instead of holding me, he just gets up and leaves the room.

Breaking Through

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What can I say, this past week has been another grind. But holy crap, on the plus side, I am feeling the growth. I promised a recap of last Saturday, so first things first. Yeah, last Saturday was Easter weekend, and I started the day by tabling with a veteran (20+ years of experience) loan officer at BOA. I was awful at tabling. People would just kinda walk by as they headed to the teller line. Thankfully, my lender had a table full of swag and that brought some people over. I watched her engage them, asking questions about their current loan and rates and seeing if they were interested in refinancing. She was so great about introducing me as the branch realtor. I know, it’s strange to hear. Anyway, who the hell knew that bank branches could be so damn busy? I talked to the branch manager, and he gave me the lowdown: many of their clients are blue collar workers who don’t have direct deposit, so they come in with a pile of checks and then leave with cash, bc they are still cash-based in most of their transactions. The other interesting tidbit was that nearly everyone at the branch spoke Spanish, and it was cool to see a place providing customer service tailored to its clientele.

The branch manager was super friendly AND actually, he’s a warm lead: he’s moving to Texas in two months. It became super apparent that he was a researcher (he spent the last two years researching various cities throughout the country for his next stop), so we bonded over that. After I got home, I did all this research on good agents in San Antonio, reached out to one of them, and then made the intro. We’ll see if that pans out as a referral.

Later, my lender started working with a couple, and she brought me over and introduced me. The couple told stated that they are already working with an agent, but the lender continued to push me as a backup or in case if anything changes. I was super nervous though, bc I recently had a training at the realtors’ association and they always say it’s a huge no-no to engage with clients who are already taken. I mean, obviously, from the client’s perspective, if an agent can answer questions now, I suppose it’s helpful but you can’t be stealing clients. As a newb, I was especially uncomfortable about it and I think the awkwardness came across. Interestingly, I recently discovered that all lenders also have a real estate license, which is required as part of their lending license, so the lender helped me navigate some of the topics they were discussing. I was sooo nervous. Still, it was very helpful to see how the pros do things… you really can learn a ton just by watching.

In the afternoon, I had the open house at the swanky flip house in Almaden Valley. I got about 13 people through. I’m still nervous and uneasy when people ask me questions, so I need to work on that confidence… it’s ok if I don’t know the answer, but I just have to make sure I’m more assertive about finding the answer and getting back. J saw me interact with some of the people and said I’m getting more comfortable about it. For the most part, people are super cagey, but thank goodness for the ones who are open and friendly. It makes a world of difference. Shit man, sales is so fricking hard. This makes me re-think the next time I enter a retail store: I really should be nicer. Everyone’s trying to do a good job and earn a living, you know?