Today was such a long day. I was at ProMatch for the mandatory meeting, plus I was volunteering as an usher. In the afternoon, I attended a class on tailoring your resume. I got really frustrated this afternoon, because I’m getting conflicting advice. I mean, I know a lot of this strategy is still subjective, but goddamn! Last week, I went to the NOVA career adviser, who said my resume was awesome. Then today, after I listened to the guest speaker in the morning meeting and sat in on the ProMatch class, I started feeling like my resume was too dense, with too much generic fluff.

I suppose the message from the guest speaker was this: nobody cares what you did before, all the laundry list of tasks. All that matters now is your value proposition. How are you going to help the hiring manager with her/his pain points? What specific stories can you tell that illustrate your experience? How will your knowledge and current skills serve the hiring manager NOW? Already, I had tweaked my resume earlier this month based on basic resume classes, but I think the ProMatch classes are more specifically geared towards professionals, so the style/execution is even tighter. That’s my only conclusion: my tweaked resume may have sufficed compared to other NOVA job seekers, but compared to other ProMatch job seekers, it needed yet another revamp.

So all afternoon, I cut the crap. The workshop coach was an old Indian guy, and he said I could trim the fat in my resume about 40-50%. Shit, really? Then they (the experts) said I have to incorporate more white space… highlight specific scenarios where I kicked butt. I have to say, I love writing, but holy fuck, the editing process can kill ya! I got home about 4:30p, took Martin to the park, and then proceeded to work on my one resume for one specific posting until 7:30p and then again after dinner. I mean, I know I can’t be spending so much time on one application, but I just want to figure out the secret sauce so that if I get traction, then I know the changes are working. Sigh.

So now I am all paranoid that the version of my resume that I sent in to a foundation last week is not good. I know, that ship has sailed. Incidentally, I reached out to my contact at the foundation, and he suggested that HR consider me for the comm position. We’ll see if that scores me an initial round. I have to practice talking about my accomplishments more.

So another week of ProMatch has wrapped. I am really liking some of the people there. It’s kinda weird actually, because a bunch of them remind me of Hollywood characters. Like there’s a very nice EE. He looks like the warden in Shawshank. Another dude reminds me of Hugh Jackman, and a third dude has all the mannerisms and tone of Milton from Office Space. It’s insane. Today in the resume workshop, the Hugh Jackman guy was getting really snippy with the group leader. Like he was challenging the advice and then just cutting him off. I started feeling really uncomfortable, because prior to witnessing that exchange, I really liked Wolverine. And then I was kinda annoyed with myself for not intervening. I mean, I dunno. They are both grown, adult men (one in his 40s and the other in his 60s), but shit, the tension bothered me. If I were to have spoken up, how could I have handled the situation? Fuck man. Overthinking brain.

So I also wanted to follow up today about my recent parenthood comments. I was thinking that maybe I might be coming across as a kid hater. Not true. I actually like my friend’s kids. I mean, I get that there is something about seeing the world through the unadulterated eyes of children. And they are kinda cute with their miniature size and wide-eyed innocence. I suppose my gripe is really about parenting. For us, it’s a risk we just aren’t interested in taking. I almost have a perpetual worry that the parental sacrifice is just too great. I dunno why it’s such a bleak attitude: I guess I’ve just seen a lot of drama and dysfunction. Most parents really try their best, but the outcomes still really run the gamut. I know, my brother (and my extended family) have really fucked me up. It’s hard for me to really see the good. Whatever. The point is, my friends are smart people. They know what they are jumping into, and even if things turn out to be more challenging than anticipated, they’ll figure it out. Just like I am with my career path.

I went to the career center today: in the morning, I attended a lab on targeting my resume; in the afternoon, I had a one-on-one meeting with a career advisor. I am so grateful for the NOVA job center: I am learning so much about the art and science of job hunting, but today, I felt a little sad. Sad about this new reality where everything has to be super short and concise, because people “no longer have time.”

I admit. I love the written word. I love using language to describe situations, to paint a picture, to tell a story. I love using words to convey emotions and feelings. I love using cuss words to relieve my stress. 😉 In my cover letters, I try to express my genuine enthusiasm for philanthropy– why I am drawn to it and how I want to be a part of that movement for social change. But so many times now, I’m told to cut things out, to write with more brevity. I understand the advice… writing and editing are never-ending processes, really. You can fine tune shit til the cows come home. That said, sometimes I just want to speak freely without having every single word scrutinized over the value and purpose that it serves. So yes, this afternoon, I was told to strike more sections of my cover letter: Get to the point faster, sooner. People are chomping at the bit.

I’m a very diligent student, so I will make the changes. That said, the defiant, creative writing side of me is fucking frustrated as hell. I think about how as a child, I used to write all my friends weekly. Long-winded tales of teenage woes, familial drama (what’s new) , nerdy, first-world problems. I loved every bit of that experience from picking out the stationery to decorating the envelope… and I loved receiving colorful pieces back in the mail. The last time I was home in Maryland, I found a stash of letters from my high school pen pals. I try to avoid nostalgia as much as possible, but there is just something about these correspondences that I miss terribly.

Nowadays, everyone is in a fucking hurry. I mean sure, I am guilty of impatience as well. But with my blog and with my emails to friends, I try to honor this old tradition. Usually, my friends don’t indulge me in their replies: they schedule a call or meet up instead. But I miss the back and forth. There’s just something about the reading and writing that resonates with me.

But ah, those days are gone now. I actually lamented about it to the career adviser this afternoon. He says that he communicates with his kids via text now. I mean, who the fuck is calling these shots? Who is dictating this? It reminds me of my friend J. We used to work together, and we would email and hang out and shoot the shit after work all the time. Then he went elsewhere, got married, and now he doesn’t even read email anymore. If I want to communicate with him, I can send an email, but I have to follow up with a text to ask him to check his email, and then he’ll respond. Usually though, we just catch up when we meet in person (not as often as I would like). I understand that communication methods are changing, but how am I supposed to cultivate friendships this way without phone and email? Am I supposed to just have conversations via text or in person only? It’s a problem! Am I being too old school about this shit?

Similar deal with my other friend J. After he left our last employer, we kept in touch via email and it was pretty cool pen paling, but then he had a third kid and the emails got shorter and more infrequent. Just makes me sad. Speaking of J, I had lunch with him yesterday– first time in over a year. I was in SF for a training, and we met up afterwards in Berkeley. It was really great to see him. We actually had a frank discussion about how his kids are limiting his life, but I’m hopeful that he will take some steps towards self-preservation. I know, no matter what, I’ll never truly understand the parenthood choice but whatever. I just want to solve problems. I mean, of course you are allowed to complain (that’s just being human), but the real issue is, what are you doing about the problems, you know? So he says he wants to attend Outside Lands. He wants to do lots of things, but “he can’t” because of childcare. Meanwhile, dude and his wife are making beaucoup bucks! Huh?? I know, money isn’t the answer to all things, but shit, it certainly carries a lot of problem-solving weight. Needless to say, I’m convinced that childcare is a solvable problem for them. So I gave him some ideas: we’ll see what happens. Hunkering down for another few years just doesn’t seem like a viable option. Am I being too judgey?

Interestingly, I had an epiphany yesterday. Here I have been wondering who in their right mind would opt for kids (especially the unplanned ones), and I kinda realized that we all make sacrifices for what’s important. For example, my whole job hunting experience. This process has been so damn challenging and exhausting for me, and yet, I am trudging through because there is no other path to getting what I want. Similarly, at the core, people want to be parents. They really celebrate the unique experience, so despite all the hardships and day-to-day difficulties, in the end, most of them would really have it no other way. So maybe I ought to be a bit more respectful and understanding about the challenges of the experience. Eye opener #1 for the week.

Back to my meeting with the adviser: it went well… I just have to do better: tighten up my materials and really, seriously work on selling myself. I have this weird feeling that even though I am getting more and more comfortable with meeting strangers and building rapport quickly, there’s something I could be doing better, more strategically to leverage my networking.

Another revelation I had today was regarding my pitch. You see, prior to all these classes, I really used the cover letter and resume as the way to convince employers to hire me. Now, I’m learning that you just want to hook them enough to bring you in for an interview. Then, the in person session is where you REALLY sell yourself. For me though, all of that assumes that my oral communications skills are stronger than my written right? I still have social anxiety about the in person… I still prefer written communications over oral, but what can I do? Argh!! This is how the game works. Fucking A. So this week, I am trying all sorts of new tweaks and approaches to see if I can improve my chances of getting into round 1. I feel like I’m learning the rules of the new game and trying to unlock the secret. I hope I figure it all out soon though, because I’m getting super antsy.

Tomorrow is mandatory meeting day for ProMatch. Mondays and Thursdays. I’m clocking my service hours as an usher. And then in the afternoon, I’m doing another resume class. Friday and Saturday, I’m going to the BlogHer conference. Yeah, some day, I’ll be a pro blogger/writer. Maybe when I’m 50. Sigh. For now, eye on the prize in philanthropy.

I received news yesterday that the “match made in heaven” just was not meant to be. I had cautioned myself against putting all my eggs into one basket, but I didn’t actually listen to my own wisdom. Consequently, yesterday was a bad day, complete with devastation and meltdown.

As you know, I recently joined that professional networking group… In one of several mandatory meetings I attended last week, I was feeling like there were a lot of socially awkward people in the group, myself included of course. I mean, I’ve definitely come a really long way, and there are degrees of awkwardness, but I’ll just say: my encounters are really hit or miss… In some cases, I am so humbled by the courage of my mates.  There are older folks, plus people from other countries who have poor English… Some of the older folks have been in tech or engineering or whatever for decades. They have tons of letters and degrees and certifications behind their names, yet today they are struggling to remain legitimate and relevant in this new world order. Those grappling with language must additionally deal with the discomfort of interacting heavily with strangers and in large numbers… To my amazement, all of them still have the courage to join this networking group– to go in front of 50+ people to introduce themselves and to tell us what they seek.

There’s a lady from China amongst the group. For some reason, she reminds me a bit of my mother– something about her face shape, her plain attire, and her broken English. She comes across soft-spoken, and every time I see her go up to the front of the room and speak, I feel an inside pain, like I’m on the verge of tears. I think of the journey she has made— from China where she was in her own element doing her thing, to here, now unemployed, trying to learn a new language and new skills to survive in this foreign market… Who will invite her to be on their team?

I’m a strong, motivated woman, but I sometimes wonder whether I have that kind of fortitude and visceral depth. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately: I feel so humbled by people like this lady. The Valley is a tough place. It’s an ageist place. I admire her tenacity, but I worry about what will happen to people like her.

The experts say groups like this networking one are helpful, because they provide support for people who are sharing in a common experience. But I find no comfort in knowing that others are working just as hard, trying to keep their heads up. I frequently feel demoralized and disheartened… I only hope that they are more immune than I.

You see, after yesterday’s disappointing news, I started doubting myself all over again. What is wrong with me? What am I doing wrong such that people see my qualifications on paper, are interested enough to speak or meet with me, and then the relationship dead ends shortly thereafter? What is the issue? Is there a flaw in my social intelligence and EQ? Am I coming across inarticulate and unpolished? With each rejection, I reach out afterwards grasping for clues and feedback. And every time, I get the same response: “You had a very strong application…” BUT WHAT THEN?? All yesterday evening I cried about my woes.

But this morning, I awoke ready to hit the pavement again. I have two classes today:  Should I Start a Biz? (I would love to, but what biz??) and Basic Interviewing Practice. I’m still trucking away… it’s been a long week, and I’m going biking in a few to blow off the steam. I suppose now is as good a time as any to bring exercise back into this equation.