I received news yesterday that the “match made in heaven” just was not meant to be. I had cautioned myself against putting all my eggs into one basket, but I didn’t actually listen to my own wisdom. Consequently, yesterday was a bad day, complete with devastation and meltdown.

As you know, I recently joined that professional networking group… In one of several mandatory meetings I attended last week, I was feeling like there were a lot of socially awkward people in the group, myself included of course. I mean, I’ve definitely come a really long way, and there are degrees of awkwardness, but I’ll just say: my encounters are really hit or miss… In some cases, I am so humbled by the courage of my mates.  There are older folks, plus people from other countries who have poor English… Some of the older folks have been in tech or engineering or whatever for decades. They have tons of letters and degrees and certifications behind their names, yet today they are struggling to remain legitimate and relevant in this new world order. Those grappling with language must additionally deal with the discomfort of interacting heavily with strangers and in large numbers… To my amazement, all of them still have the courage to join this networking group– to go in front of 50+ people to introduce themselves and to tell us what they seek.

There’s a lady from China amongst the group. For some reason, she reminds me a bit of my mother– something about her face shape, her plain attire, and her broken English. She comes across soft-spoken, and every time I see her go up to the front of the room and speak, I feel an inside pain, like I’m on the verge of tears. I think of the journey she has made— from China where she was in her own element doing her thing, to here, now unemployed, trying to learn a new language and new skills to survive in this foreign market… Who will invite her to be on their team?

I’m a strong, motivated woman, but I sometimes wonder whether I have that kind of fortitude and visceral depth. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately: I feel so humbled by people like this lady. The Valley is a tough place. It’s an ageist place. I admire her tenacity, but I worry about what will happen to people like her.

The experts say groups like this networking one are helpful, because they provide support for people who are sharing in a common experience. But I find no comfort in knowing that others are working just as hard, trying to keep their heads up. I frequently feel demoralized and disheartened… I only hope that they are more immune than I.

You see, after yesterday’s disappointing news, I started doubting myself all over again. What is wrong with me? What am I doing wrong such that people see my qualifications on paper, are interested enough to speak or meet with me, and then the relationship dead ends shortly thereafter? What is the issue? Is there a flaw in my social intelligence and EQ? Am I coming across inarticulate and unpolished? With each rejection, I reach out afterwards grasping for clues and feedback. And every time, I get the same response: “You had a very strong application…” BUT WHAT THEN?? All yesterday evening I cried about my woes.

But this morning, I awoke ready to hit the pavement again. I have two classes today:  Should I Start a Biz? (I would love to, but what biz??) and Basic Interviewing Practice. I’m still trucking away… it’s been a long week, and I’m going biking in a few to blow off the steam. I suppose now is as good a time as any to bring exercise back into this equation.

So following my disaster of a phone call earlier this week, my confidence was noticeably shaken. But I was trying really hard to keep my head up and to focus on moving forward. My networking group (ProMatch) duties ramped up this week… we had the second orientation meeting on Wednesday, and well, you know how that goes: more discomfort desensitization training for me. Haha. I also took a class called Generating Job Leads, and I tell ya, I am learning some se-crets!! There are just so many resources out there… I am amazed every damn day.

But the big news is that I got called for a phone screen on Thursday. Going by the job description and everything I have read about the organization online, this place is made for me. I know, I’m not putting all my eggs in one basket just yet, but I’m just saying, the vibe, the culture, the content… it’s practically a match made in heaven. In preparation for the call, I poured through my notes from my “Ace the Interview” class. The instructor had said last week that phone interviews are the best, because you can just post all your talking points on the wall, you can have access to the computer during, and you have all your information right there. Wow, I’d never thought about it that way, but shit, she’s right. I mean, I really should just pin everything up on the wall and take the call standing up, you know? So I went into big time preparation mode, and my goodness, the closet doors in my office got plastered with my notes and papers. It’s now my very own Situation Room. Move over Wolf Blitzer!! And what do you know, the call went really well!! I mean, not PERFECT, but I’m still pleased. The ED was so charismatic and nice. We really had a great conversation, so now I’m even farther invested into this gig… But you know, I’m not going to be stupid about it. I just need to apply everything I’m learning, and we’ll see where this all leads.

Thank goodness the call went well though: it’s a great way to kick off the holiday weekend!

Oh, the drama continues… I know, right after I’ve been telling you that I need to pipe my shit down. Well, new developments. So you know how I’ve been busting ass with these job center workshops and such, right? So last week, I sent off a few new job applications (where I applied my new “tricks”), and I also circled back with some past contacts. One role was a digital communications position with a national environmental advocacy group in SF. Another was a communications manager job with a grantmaking organization across the street from my former workplace. A third was a remote technical project management gig for a consulting firm that works with nonprofit clients. The good news? I got two bites out of three. Kind of. I have a phone interview for the grantmaking org this week. Then, my contact at the consulting firm got back to me, saying I’d be great for their PM role, but they weren’t currently recruiting. Needless to say, I was feeling awesome, especially because I got a bite soon after optimizing my resume and cover letter, you know? Like the response really affirmed that my changes were moving in the right direction.

Then today, I had an info interview call. The lady is a super star big wig, recommended by my friend L. In the last several months, we had tried a number of times to meet up, but in the end, I was lucky enough to score a phone call. By now, I’ve done a shit ton of info interviews, and I seriously researched her background and read her articles and prepped for the conversation. But I dunno whether I was super intimidated or what… it did not go well. I tried really hard to have an agenda for our allotted 30 minutes (I didn’t want to waste her time), but I dunno what happened. The conversation did not flow at all, and in the end, I felt like my questions just came across totally random and stupid. All those social intelligence classes, all those books on how to talk with anyone, all those info interview articles… my gut felt awful, and I think it’s safe to say, I have a pretty good read of situations these days. Those two job interviews where I didn’t close the deal? I had a sense even before the news was formalized.

So wtf happened? It reminds me of that time when my friend D was dating that girl L. On paper, everything about her was fabulous. I was so ready for her to be my next BFF. And then, there just was no chemistry. Maybe my questions were lame or too open-ended? Sigh. I mean, I still walked away with some helpful info and practices, so I’m trying not to get totally down about it, but damn, a part of me really feels like I came across unprepared and just plain dumb!!! And now what will she say to L? How does that change what he thinks of me? How does this change the mentorship role for which I have already designated him? Ugh, ugh, ugh. I have a sinking feeling right now…  how/why did I fuck that up???? Inhale, exhale.

Surprisingly, my optimistic side keeps saying to me, “resiliency.” That’s the difficulty of dealing with people, right? You win some, you lose some. You connect immediately with some, but you scramble awkwardly with others. Chalk it up and move on.

So this brings to mind something else I’ve been thinking about lately. I have many friends with whom I am extremely close. We get along super well; yet they have friends with whom I don’t connect at all. Similarly, I have other friends with whom they don’t connect. There’s something weird about association: just because two people jive really well together, there’s no guarantee that their connections will share that same level of stickiness. For example, my friend J. After he went to another job, our communications waned over time, and I remember complaining about it to my friend T. She would just say that he was a boy– typically lazy and prone to giving minimal effort. She also said that through her interactions with him, he was always a bit on the cagey side, that he was really difficult to know because he was so guarded. And she’s said that about another new friend of mine, A, with whom I’ve felt pretty easily connected. Same deal: difficult to read. I agree, there are definitely times when A doesn’t seem exactly the same page, but I have never really felt uncertain, you know? I mean, even with my close friends (except maybe N), there are times when there’s a disconnect or disjoint in terms of understanding intention and meaning and such but… Anyway, it’s an interesting observation, and maybe it just reinforces what happened today. I was so convinced that because this woman was a friend of L’s, we would hit it off instantly. Sigh. Man, human interactions are frickin’ complicated!! I need to go rest my brain now.

I had an interesting day today. I got up early and headed out to Livermore, where my friend S is a camp counselor for Camp Wonder, a summer camp sponsored by the Children’s Skin Disease Foundation. I was a little nervous, because I haven’t really spent much time with kids (like ever), but I made sure to ask S what gifts or snacks I could take… Gotta start things off on the right foot, you know’? Thankfully, she provided sufficient instructions: stickers, bubbles, coloring books, temporary tattoos…

I’d never been to this site before, Camp Arroyo (part of East Bay Regional Parks District), but wow, what a beautiful location with well-designed green cabins and facilities. There were kids everywhere, and they were so… joyful. I mean, I don’t think I was really prepared to see the severity of their medical conditions… it was definitely an eye-opener. And I was so amazed and inspired by their ability to stay positive and to have fun in spite of their situation. The girls were so sweet and spirited. I am grateful for this new perspective today.

After Livermore, I was back at the job center for an interviewing workshop. The caliber of classes there are so good… the only issue I have really is with the students. Sometimes they just really irk my nerves. Like today, everyone was really quiet in the beginning, so the instructor just told us to break up into small groups and do these ice breaker conversations: explain what kind of work you are seeking and share with us your favorite ice cream flavor. So neither of the two people in my group followed directions. The woman took the initiative to start, and then proceeded to share her entire life story… I mean, really? Do you think that’s appropriate when there are three of us, and class is supposed to start in five minutes?? I started giving her a look like, hurry it up lady and then she said, she wasn’t finished but she wanted to give us a chance to talk. Oh, like five minutes later… thanks for letting me do the fucking assignment. Seriously. And I thought I had bad self awareness and social intelligence…

Aside from that annoyance, the class was really informative and helpful. I am supposed to start up the networking group next week… I’m apprehensive but also eager to see where all this goes.

Meanwhile, J and I are off tomorrow for a quick desert getaway. First time to Palm Springs and beyond… Temps are supposed to be over 110, so I’m not sure how this is going to work out for Bubbey, with his heat sensitivity, but hey, I gave him an out and he insisted that the trip must go on.

After returning from North Carolina, I fell into a funk. Of course, that didn’t stop me from forcing myself to stop in at the government job center in Sunnyvale. I had actually researched Nova (northern valley) before and noticed the superb Yelp reviews, but for some reason, I had just never gone. Then, while I was in NC, one of my contacts suggested I check out the services. So I did.

Admittedly, I went in thinking my resume was already the best it could be (after all, it’s already gone through a gazillion edits), but what do you know? I picked up some new tips, and now my resume and cover letters are even BETTER. Wha?? Was that even possible? 🙂 I know, I fluctuate between feeling rockstar confident and feeling completely and utterly broken. Story of my life. Anyway, I attended a few workshops and orientations and also met with a couple of career advisers. Both felt that my materials were pretty strong and that for me, I needed to boost my numbers: network more and submit more apps. So now I’m back on that wagon.

One of the advisers also recommended that I attend an orientation this morning for a job networking group. As with nearly all of these activities, we started off going around the room with individual 30-sec introductions. Ugh. I still dread those things, but I did notice that I’m less anxious about them now, so that’s promising. On the down side, I still kinda felt like I was in an AA meeting or a support group of sorts– we’re all a little defeated and a little uncertain. The trainer this morning talked about the emotional roller coaster during this whole job transition process. Sometimes I do feel a little sheepish–like we are some lame group of misfits or social outcasts– but today I found some comfort in knowing that my emotional ups and downs weren’t just about me. In fact, there’s nothing wrong with me: these highs and lows are just a natural and expected part of the process… and oddly, I felt a little validated from just learning that. So this networking group, should I decide to join, requires that people split out into groups/teams and then each member has to volunteer 4 hrs/week minimum helping to run the operations and group exercises. There are a ton of activities and role playing exercises to practice networking, interviewing , etc. Yeah, it’s super uncomfortable, to be honest. But I try to convince myself to consider this all as a game, except that shit, there’s so much frickin’ interaction!! One part of me wants to step back– it’s just too much people time and too much awkwardness and discomfort. And yet, if I give it deeper thought, I know that this is the new world order, you know? I left my comfortable, stable job to seek change, challenge, and adventure… Yes, I have grown tremendously in the last several months, but that’s not necessarily enough. This is how things are moving for everyone…

As I’ve met so many new people and listened to their personal stories, I’ve always felt like my own life had a lame, boring path. I’ve alluded to this before: I mean, I know people who have battled cancer, lived through war, suffered from disease, poverty, abuse… they have these incredible stories of fortitude and survival. So maybe in some weird way, this process is MY story of resilience and strength. In giving up my job, I didn’t anticipate losing my identity and self-worth, but  I feel now like I am fighting to earn those things back. Not that I will only regain them through employment, but that every day, I’m struggling to keep disappointment and failure from degrading my soul and spirit. I shouldn’t give up just because I’m tired, or because this new paradigm makes me cringe. If I indeed value learning and adaptability, then this is where the rubber truly meets the road. The world is changing; the markets are evolving… there’s no time or reason to be defeatist. The world won’t stop just because I want a breather.

This morning after the orientation, I was really leaning towards finding an excuse or easy way out. “I’ll just continue to network on my own; I know what I have to do.” But deep inside I know that I have to face this head on. It’s go time, and I have to pull out all the stops, goddamnit. Bring. it.