Category Archives: Work

Being Useful

As an ESTJ, one of my top values is usefulness. That applies to things and to people. While J and S were back East visiting with the parentals, I tried to get myself back on track (with my life). I cleaned and went through my stockpile of old elecronics. Originally, the plan was to just trade in the items via some device buyback program, but then I reviewed the numbers and holy crap: selling on Ebay yielded significantly more money. So yes, I found myself jumping thorough all the pain-in-the-ass hoops, taking various pictures and figuring out shipping and cleaning shit up to be as pristine as possible. I like earning those Bubbey bucks, but fuck man, Ebay is not a very streamlined process. After selling three devices, I might need a break. Haha. I mean, I’m thrilled to find new homes for my old things, but dealing with shipping is a royal pain. When the hell did postage rates get so damn pricey??

My friend J recently retired and bought herself a new laptop and printer. She’s an older lady, about the age of my father, and she spent hours with Geek Squad setting up the new printer. They got it working, and then weeks later, the printer started giving her an offline error. She was all ready to go through the Geek Squad fiasco all over again until I offered to help her. I have done a lot of IT/tech support in my day. Back when I worked for the feminist org, I was always canabalizing our old computers so we could stretch that shitty hardware just a little bit farther. Then with my dad… well, you know the drill there. So I went over to her house thinking I would just crank out the solution in a matter of minutes. Well, I got stumped, and two hours later, I was still trying to get that shit sorted. Finally, I got it working. Basically, I kept trying to connect the printer to her old wifi network. Once I realized she was actually using a new network, we got her back in business. She was so cute though: so thrilled to have the tech help. I always thought her son-in-law who lives in Los Altos was a tech guy. Why hadn’t he helped her with this? That made me sad: that she would have someone who could help her but she either didn’t want to bother him with a request, or he didn’t make time to help her. J is such a fun and sassy lady though. While I was over, she showed me her latest gardening and home projects. It’s so nice to find an older person with hobbies and a social life! She also admired my new purse, and guess what: She ended up ordering the same one in a different color. Haha!

After my hangout with J, I headed north to spend the afternoon with M. I gave M my old Kindle, and she was thrilled. One of the cool things about M is that she is a hardcore researcher. She researches everything and anything under the sun: high end toaster ovens, car care, tax laws, everything. And we commiserate over stories about our unresourceful siblings. Goddamn, some people just really don’t give two fucks about understanding how things work. After we talked all that smack, we had lunch and hit the mall. Can’t go wrong with H&M! We had a great time! On the drive home, I had this realization about how I’d let my depression about the job really overtake so many other aspects of my life. Like I had stopped having people over for dinner, stopped biking/skating/walking, stopped hosting Craft Club… I enjoy doing things with others, and yet somehow I’d forgotten. Damn job: I let it change me and def not for the better. Fucking buzzkill of the century.

Retail Therapy

I’ve always had a slightly twisted relationship with money. Being the child of immigrants, with both of my parents supporting their families back home, I really witnessed first-hand an extreme emphasis and focus on money throughout my life. My father in particular, had such a hunger and survivalist drive. Then again, I suppose when you have a brother with a gambling/high risk business/debt problem and a sister contemplating prostitution to pay back family debts, I suppose earning money isn’t just some silly game about buying fancy cars or nice clothes.

My strongest money habits center around being frugal (sales, coupons, negotiations, etc.) and saving. I remember though, that I’ve never wanted to be beholden to money. Like at times, I felt my mother got overly conservative and paranoid about money. She seemed to me rather stingy and unable to let loose and enjoy small things that money could afford her. For example, whenever she and my father went on cruises to far destinations across the world, she never wanted to spend money on excursions or extra tours. It was almost as if she wanted to arrive and then do absolutely nothing that would cost money.

As I near 40, I see hints of both parents in my spending habits. Like my father, I splurge on things I use daily or things that are tied to professional development or health: technology, classes/conferences, a nice elliptical machine for my parents. I also like to spend on travel and experiences. I spend but I also try not to be extravagant or wasteful or overly indulgent. I remember once I got so upset at J, bc he was buying all kinds of items that felt excessive: a nice fancy leather-bound notebook or laptop case or yet another device or yet another fancy, handcrafted stationery item… For me, I think the environmental engineering side stresses about unused, older, replaced items suddenly being rendered obsolete and going into the landfill. But J once explained to me that for him, every new item represents his hope to live life differently, to reignite his curiosity/creativity, to try and feel more inspired or more motivated. If it costs $200 to have him feel joy or energy again, that’s a small price to pay. I mean, on one hand, from a cynic’s perspective, isn’t this the ultimate indoctrination of advertising/marketing? And yet, I felt sorry that in some way my warnings or criticisms came across as attempts to squelch or stem his opportunities for joy. Ugh. He works really hard, and if these purchases don’t force us to sacrifice security or our lifestyle, I need to chill the fuck out. You see, I inherited this kind of unease/irrational austerity from my mother. For the most part, Bubbey buys what he wants when he wants. On the back end, I then “rebalance” the expenses by purging unused items in the house, either posting things on Freecycle or selling shit on Ebay. Bubbey calls my modest earnings from these resales “Bubbey Bucks.” It’s a mild form of regaining control I think. I’m always playing mental games on myself.

So a couple weeks ago, I was sitting on the couch in an almost catatonic state, home alone, pissed about work and flipping through the channels. I came across QVC. I’d never really been a fan of shopping channels, but on occasion, I sometimes got sucked in by the makeup/skincare demos. On this particular night, I just started wondering about the sellers’ personalities. How are they getting people to tune in, you know? I mean, some audiences tune in to watch specific hosts. What a weird but intriguing thing. So the segment for the hour was Dooney & Bourke purses. I didn’t like any of the selections, but I was curious enough to go online and browse the rest of the collection. Long story short, I came across Oryany purses, and their company spokeswoman. She’s this beautiful petite (and pregnant) brunette, and somehow she made all the bags look good. I thought it was interesting too how she and the host played off of each other– they managed to squeeze in all the product descriptions and details plus answer audience calls in the allotted time. This rep had apparently been with the company for 14 years and Oryany even designed a bag named after her! I started thinking: wow, what a fun job it must be to design purses: learning about fabrics, materials, features, accessories. Sigh. I wish I had a fun job.

For the next couple of hours, I researched Oryany bags, watching all the YouTube videos for each model. By the end, I finally whittled things down to two bags. I put them into the shopping cart and then left. I do that sometimes: I put shit into online carts and sometimes I never return. It’s like that Amazon Wish list maybe? I don’t really know the psychology behind it all. A few days later, I told John I was thinking about a new purse, but it was pricier than my usual range. It took another several days before I finally pressed Buy. Sometimes buying things for myself just feels weird: unjustified and ridiculously self-indulgent. The new bag arrived last week. It’s nicely designed with the construction and compartments. I don’t absolutely love the color, but it’s a practical neutral tone. One day soon maybe I will cut off the tags and keep the damn thing. Haha.

A couple days after my purse splurge, J was flipping through the channels and once again, we found ourselves on QVC. Fuck, really? Well, the segment was on the NuWave Pro Plus oven! Of course, I was instantly sucked in to the demos of all the different things you could cook with the NuWave. I was reminded of all the successful meals I had had with that thing. Then the host announced that NuWave was the day’s special value. Fuck man. $90 for the Pro Plus with an extender ring and a bunch of extras! J said we should get it, but the pragmatic side of me reasoned: it’s a redundant appliance; it takes up so much counter space; I need to just learn to make things in the new range! Then Bubbey said: do you remember how much joy the NuWave brought you? You loved that thing! You’ve tried to make all your dishes in the new range, but stuff never comes out as good. I think mostly he was talking about my Beijing duck. He said, it’s only $90. If that helps you get out of your funk and regain your confidence with cooking again, isn’t that money well spent? I thought back to what Bubbey had explained to me long ago. Consumerism is an opportunity to change a life trajectory: it’s a shot at joy. Fine, the marketers win this time.

My NuWave arrived earlier this week. And the very next night, my inaugural dish was the Morton’s tri-tip roast. I had never actually made this dish in the NuWave before (we usually use the oven): I was concerned about fucking it up with tweaked settings, but I took a stab: I cut up potatoes and carrots, placed the roast on top fat side up, and pressed Cook Time –> 55 –> Start. Fuck man, the meat came out perfect. Then I made rice in my pressure cooker. Seriously, between the pressure cooker and NuWave, I am back in business! My bud T came over for dinner, and for the first time in a very long while, I felt accomplished and successful. Finally, I kicked ass at something.

Dreamforce

So I used 4 days of vacation earlier this month to attend Dreamforce. I was glad that I soaked up that cultural phenomenon: the largest tech conference in the world with over 150,000 people descending onto San Francisco. The conference itself was a shit ton of hustle. I studied the agenda and breakout sessions closely and pretty much prepared for full days from 8-6. Of course, to get to the sessions on time, that required getting up super early at the ass crack of dawn. The very first day, I think I was up at like 5:30 to catch a 6-something train. I walked briskly, and then the session was booked. Because the conference is so fucking huge, there are like a gabillion venues for the sessions: all the Moscones plus Century Theaters plus the Hilton, the Marriott, Yerba Buena, the Metreon. Seriously, swarms of people everywhere. Thank goodness for my years in China: they really trained me well for insane crowds. So anyway, one of the days, I had sessions in one hotel and then another session in a second hotel. I busted my ass walking to the second spot, only to be turned away yet again due to capacity. After that, I decided it was necessary to arrive 20-30 min early to each session AND to just stay at a single venue.

Overall, I’m glad I went. It was pretty cool to see case after case of nonprofits and highered institutions were really empowered to do more with an organized CRM system. I mean, to have data centralized in one place is a magical and powerful thing. In my year off when I had done like 50 informational interviews, I’d met/called several Salesforce consultants. I saw their booths at the conference. The first few days, I felt a lot of reluctance approaching them. I don’t think it was necessarily shame that was holding me back: I guess I just wanted to NOT talk about my current job that I hate at a place that doesn’t even use Salesforce. I mean, I think I want to do what they do, and yet 1-2 years after talking with them, I am nowhere near them. Ok, maybe there was some shame or disappointment with my personal progress. In typical fashion, every night after I got home, I chided myself for dragging ass. How would I ever get another job if I let all my networking skills die? How did I expect to work in consulting if I had no initiative in the critical moments? Yeah, I’m kind of emotionally abusive to myself. But fuck man, it did the trick bc by the third day, I made it happen. And then another interesting thing happened. In this sea of 150k attendees, I bumped into a classmate from my Duke Nonprofit Management class in June 2014. I don’t really know if he remembered my name, but I actually chatted with him for 45 min or so. Frankly, in our class, I didn’t particularly like him bc he was kinda the class clown (and you know I’m all serious with my academics), but he was fine this time around. Interestingly, he claims that he recognized me bc of my red jacket. Haha. That $45 F21 jacket has brought me more attention than any other item I own. File that tidbit away.

Dreamforce also had a concert on Thursday night. I was super stoked bc the Killers were on the list (along with Gary Clark, Jr. and the Foo Fighters). When I discovered that my conference pass included access to the concert, I was all over that shit. J expressed all this concern about Thursday being a really long day and how was I gonna be up at 6a and then last through for the concert at like 8:30-11. Blah, blah. Little does Bubbey know, I will pull out all the stops for free shit. If I paid for something (even if I’m just out $5) or if an amenity is included, I HAVE to use it. Long story short, we worked out a plan. After the conference wrapped around 5:30, I rode Muni to the west side of the city to have dinner with Bubbey and his sister S. I then rode the Muni back east to get to Pier 70, the site of the concert. I was kinda bummed about going to the big event solo, but c’est la vie, right? I can’t be stopped. Then, the most unexpected thing happened. Google directions was wrong, and the Muni stopped earlier than expected. A bunch of other conference attendees all got off. I kinda just merged myself into a group of Brits. We ended up catching a separate Muni and then getting to the site. It was probably a group of 6, and they all knew each other. I had no expectation that they would keep me in their fold, but I was pleasantly surprised. Even as we weaved through the crowds, one of the guys just really kept his eye on me. And then after we got in, they grabbed me a beer, and it was kinda nice to suddenly belong to a group. Eventually, we lost some members, but yeah the remaining three of us hung out together for the duration of the concert. Sadly, I got there too late to gain access to the stage where the Killers were performing. Also, I was disappointed to see on the Jumbotron that hottie Brandon Flowers let his hair grow way too long. Damn that dude’s look changes with the wind. He has a lot of different styles. Nonetheless, I enjoyed the music and then by the time the Foo Fighters came on, we were strategically positioned with the musicians in full view. In fact, later in the night, one of the maintenance crew was adding a new porta-potty to the bathroom area just left of the stage. My new friends had the smart idea to follow closely behind the dude as he split through the crowd, creating a path for us closer to the stage. Genius. The Brits LOVE the FF. They’re a bit cacophonous and screechy and fuck man, David Grohle is a goddamn maniac, but the show was entertaining and well, it was kinda cool to just be swept up in the concert energy. Around 11, I said my goodbyes and then Bubbey picked me up to ride home. I felt really proud of myself that night. I didn’t let my social anxiety prevent me from making new friends.

Of course the next day is where my naive stance on relationships revealed itself. One of the guys, Stephen, had explained the night before that they had a booth and their chotkes arrived late due to customs, blah, blah. You know me with my follow up. So I went to their booth the last day of the conference, and I guess I thought maybe we would exchange info and connect via LinkedIn. I chatted with Stephen and he was very nice, but he kinda didn’t want to swap info, so I just left it at that. Like yeah, last night was fun. Safe travels back, and maybe you’ll be back next year. To be honest, it felt a little weird like maybe I was coming on too strong or something. I wasn’t flirting or hitting on him or anything. I guess I was just so thrilled the night before to have shared this big impersonal experience with some new people, maybe I felt somewhat indebted or connected. But it just made me realize that for consultants/sales/business people, interactions really are a dime a dozen. There is nothing really special about spending an evening hanging out with a stranger. I wasn’t hurt by this realization or anything. Maybe he read something romantic or clingy about my behavior the next day? The thing is, it didn’t really matter what he thought. I was pleasantly surprised to have met them, and I wanted to follow up the next day. I kinda got shut down or he distanced, but you know what? That’s ok. I treat relationships differently than other people. I’m not going to change what I do for fear of being read as desperate or whatever. I know what my intentions were and that’s all that matters. I was proud of myself for being unafraid and unconcerned. That’s a palpable shift from my past when I worried too much about how strangers, esp “cool” people perceived me.

Work wise, my boss returned from personal vacation the days I was at the conference. Due to the new interim AVP and all her fresh demands, my boss had to interrupt me A LOT at the conference for data and reports and files. I was pretty annoyed, but when I thought about my boss’ stresses and fears, I tried to just get what she needed quickly. There was a session at Dreamforce that talked about kindness and compassion. Everyone is going through their own fucked up shit. Try to be kind. For some reason, that stuck with me.

So the conclusion from Dreamforce? I want to gain some experience working with Salesforce. I feel like this idea of using tech to help an org operate more efficiently suits me better than social media management. It just feels like a stronger fit. My friend L, who now lives in DC, says he has a good friend who works for SF. We’ll see how that connection pans out. I’m happy that L and I are still in touch now and then. He’s going to be in Santa Clara in October for a couple days, so hopefully, we’ll get to catch up in person. It’s probably been a year since we last met up.[FAG id=7445]

What’s Next?

I was thankful to have the long holiday weekend to spend some time re-calibrating. Of course, I’m still a fucking mental mess, but baby steps, right?

We visited with S on Saturday, and then in the evening, J and I went to our first ever pro soccer game. In July, I had won Earthquakes tickets (club level, row 2!!) from a raffle at work. We were so psyched to have this new experience and to check out Avaya Stadium. Unfortunately, we were super drained by the time the game rolled around Saturday night, and even though we tried really hard to get out and distract ourselves, it only partially did the trick. We were kinda underwhelmed: the stadium itself was much smaller than I had expected, and then the game was low scoring (2-1). We surveyed the world’s longest bar at the stadium, but eh. Then again, if we’re honest, we’re viewing the world through some shit-colored lenses these days.

As soon as I returned to the office on Tuesday, there was some serious drama. The head of our department announced his departure… for the very next day. WTF??? I mean sure, an organizational consultant was brought in last July to evaluate our ecosystem and produce a report with recommendations… Most of us suspected big changes were afoot, but still. One day of notice for the department was super abrupt. Consequently, it threw the entire office into a tizzy. Meanwhile, my direct supervisor was out on vacation all week… the news only exacerbated her already neurotic and anxious state.

On Thursday morning, we were introduced to the new interim AVP– none other than the consultant who was brought in to evaluate us!! That part definitely raises red flags for me, but at the same time, she also put together a pretty solid presentation pointing out our current status and weaknesses with a phased plan to move us to a better place. So while I’m skeptical, I’m also curious to see what improvements can be done.

Still, the ongoing problem for me remains multi-fold: 1) I don’t enjoy my current role 2) I don’t know what role I would want next or how I would want to contribute in the existing setting 3) I feel rather unmoved by the content, the institution, and the culture. With a few tweaks, is it possible that my attitude could change? I just don’t know, and certainly the recent life events make me feel more strongly than ever that I don’t want to waste anymore time with my life. I mean, I was already impatient as fuck, and now my tolerance is a gabillion times lower!

My poor friend K. She’s like my onsite therapist. I’m really trying not to be a fucking broken record. Thankfully, the interim AVP got a really good, strong read from her initial interview with K, and I think she has big plans for my bud, which of course, would be awesome. Even if I’m a misfit for this place and sometimes for this world, I always want to see people thrive and flourish. This big shakeup has the potential to offer some really promising opportunities… Do I want to be around to witness all those big changes firsthand? I can’t say. I just feel so burned out and run down.

Meanwhile, J has been talking to various startup CEOs. Looks like October is going to be his back-to-work month. The primary opp he’s negotiating is in SF. I have a lot of qualms about him resuming work at yet another startup and so far away in SF, but J is confident about his choice and decision, so what can I do but acquiesce and hope for the best.

On the family side of things, my parents and grandparents flew out to Taiwan this week. I’m hoping in the next few months that my grandparents will come around and embrace living in Asia. Maybe I’m being selfish, but Jesus Christ, that would seriously be the easiest and most sensible decision for all involved. As for my in-laws, J and S are heading back East at the end of this month to visit. Many decisions still need to be made regarding their home, their vehicles, health care directives, etc.

What else. Oh, Bubs partially tore his calf today. All week his calf had been sensitive and bothering him, then this afternoon, he got up from his desk at home to answer the doorbell and SNAP! He tore his muscle. WTF? I left work early to take him to the doctor. Yup, crutches, ibuprofen, and up to six weeks for recovery. Ugh!!! The RV Fair in Sacramento is thwarted.

Not Seeing Eye to Eye

It’s really hard to find people who have the same take as I do on relationships. For example, while P was visiting, she was telling me about some classmate in her circle of nursing friends who, on hearing about her breakup, started coming on really strong. He was texting her all the time and asking her about bday plans and asking her out to dinner. The impression was that he was pursuing her. I mean, given that this happens to P all the time, it’s a pretty safe assumption. So, her take is that she’s not interested; however rather than just telling him in a straight-up, direct way, she instead responds to his texts and invites in generic terms. Like if he asks her to dinner, she’ll say, “Yeah, let’s all go out.” Her argument is that bc she will have to see him at group activities and gatherings, there’s no need to tell him directly that she’s not interested. Rather, by replying obliquely and just not really allowing for any alone time together, he will get the hint and also save face.

Obviously, as a proponent of radical honesty, this approach feels unnecessarily complicated and confusing to me. Personally, I feel there is a nice way to decline and reject. And even if the rejection weren’t super soft, hello, this is life. Toughen up. Also, yes, they are all adults now. If a lady says she’s not interested and you share the same set of friends, are you really going to make it awkward? Respect her decision and move on! It’s not that they are super close friends and her disinterest in a romantic thing would be particularly hurtful, right? Frankly, he can’t be all that invested. I dunno. I really don’t see what the big deal is, and further, his texts are getting to be a bit much! That said, I value efficiency and honesty, so her actions feel like a disservice to him. Ultimately though, not my call and probably, NO ONE agrees with me. Whatever.

In other news, I’ve been coming up on some more bullshit at work. That lady T? OMFG. She is one of THE biggest slackers ever. She’ll make personal calls at work and leave her fucking door wide open. Look lady, everyone has to take care of some personal business during work hours, but you don’t need to be so goddamn blatant about it. I don’t need to hear you calling about piano lessons for your daughter or negotiating discounts on your cable bill. Not only that, after she’s done her loud, obnoxious calls, she pretty much goes office to office, plopping herself down in people’s rooms to complain about 1) how little work she has 2) how unmotivated she feels 3) how she wants to go home early. Jesus Christ. Unlike you, I actually have work to do, so um, scurry along and bitch to someone else. It’s kind of weird, bc during her interview process, I was not that impressed. Then, she started and was pretty chatty and nice. I thought maybe there was potential. The next thing I know, she’s wanting to organize parties and get togethers and spousal meetings and … coming on way strong. But even those things didn’t drive me over the edge. It was really the shitty work ethic and the constant barging in on my meetings and conversations. Now, add the constant need for validation and support from others. Last week? She had issue with what my intern wore to work. We don’t have a dress code, and it’s the middle of summer. My intern dresses the way I see college girls dress, i.e. butt shorts. I agree that I wouldn’t personally wear them, but you know what? I’m middle-aged and kinda a prude. So whatever. T goes to my manager to comment about the shorts; she then goes to the office manager and finally, she hits up a third person in the office. After all that gossip, she gchats me that “several people in the office have an issue with my intern’s attire.” Back and forth, she won’t say who has issue with it other than her. She is “offended.” She was planning to take this matter up with the Assistant VP (my boss’ boss), but she wanted to discuss with me first since it’s my intern. I give push back. There is no dress code. She is a college student coming in for a couple hours in the middle of the day. This is not a REAL job, and her role is NOT public facing. A few minutes later, my boss comes in to discuss with me. I give pushback again. My boss makes some confusing statements saying that she doesn’t care, but then she suggests that I consider this a “professional dev” opportunity to talk with my intern. I’m like, “It’s not an issue for me. If you are bothered by it, YOU are welcome to talk to her…” Back and forth and then she backs down. “She’s your intern. If you don’t have issue with it, then that’s fine with me. We have bigger fish to fry.” I relay the decision to T.  Later that day, it turns out T had gone back to the office manager and commented in a testy tone, “Well Vicky said it’s not an issue, so I guess that’s that.” Then, she proceeded to criticize the office manager for not having her back and for “complaining about things without taking action.” 

Jesus fucking Christ. Who is this person? Is she a child, bc she sure as hell does not handle situations like a mature adult. In the end, after consulting with several people, I decided that I didn’t want blabbermouth talking shit about my intern every time she came in wearing something T found offensive. So I talked with my intern, who received the feedback without issue. Done. I mean, seriously though. Why are you trying to discredit a really good, hardworking intern? Fuck off. My intern probably works harder than you do!

And of course, being the defiant person that I am, on Friday I made sure to wear a super body-hugging, short dress to work. Well, tight by my standards anyway. K pretty much found the entire outfit plus the strappy sandals work-inappropriate. But fuck man, I just wanted to see if T had the gall to say something to me. The combative side of me dared her to even try… Ah well, as the universe would have it, Friday was a peaceful day. She probably didn’t even notice bc holy shit, she was actually busy with work getting media coverage for an activity on campus. One of these days though: she’s gonna complain to my face, and I will fucking unleash the Kracken!

Skating towards Salvation

I have been so damn cranky these last few weeks. Of course, I’m thankful to have Bubbey home again, but at the same time, even he would agree that his re-assimilation back to suburban living has been challenging. I mean, who can blame him? Road-tripping across country, exploring new places, eating new foods vs. chores and tedious matters in an uninsulated house that is hotter than hell. To his credit, he’s working on getting back into the groove, so I’m hopeful things will get better.

Meanwhile, some days my job just feels utterly intolerable. Not only is the content just not floating my boat, but goddamn, some of the people at the office just irk the living shit out of me. I know, as is, I am impatient as fuck, but come on, why can’t these people just stop annoying me?? 😛 Haha. Yeah, I’m feeling kinda harsh today. You’ll just have to deal.

I was thinking about it more tonight, and you know what? I have never worked at a place where I jived with so few people. I know it’s only been 9 months, but at the fuel cell startup, I practically had 3-4 BFFs in that same amount of time! And I am still in touch with three of them today– like eight years later! I have yet to put a finger on the exact reason for disconnect: lifestyle, personality, hobbies… I don’t know. And I don’t think I’m overly demanding: I mean, I’m friends with a pretty broad set of people– oldies, youngin’s, people with kids. Whatever. Yes, clearly, I’m overthinking again. And to be fair, it’s also very likely that I’m just a different person than who I was in 2006. I mean, values/attitudes/perspectives can change dramatically over time, especially since I’m now entering my geriatric years.

The point of all of this rambling is that I’m starting to experience anger and rage again. So, in an attempt to keep that explosive shit under control, I was doing the gym-at-lunch thing twice a week with my friend K (who btw works out hard the entire hour while I clock in exactly 20 minutes on the treadmill + 7 minutes for my workout app and the rest of the hour, I sit my lazy ass down on whatever equipment is not being used) and then rollerblading some days after work. Yeah, the FMD didn’t last after Bubbey came home. Still though, I like to be on some kind of program. Skating towards salvation maybe.

In other news, I took another couple of years off my life feuding with a mobile phone company. Yup, earlier this month, I got a bill charging me $410 for an unreturned signal booster. Look fuckers: I merged phones in April, so I closed my line and shipped the signal booster back to you. I followed the tracking number, saw that the item delivered to the warehouse, and then deleted the tracking info bc the transaction loop was closed. Wrong! They insist that the equipment never delivered. So back and forth: I filed search requests, blah, blah. Weeks later, their “investigation” yielded the same goddamn result: no device. Fuck man, I am not paying $410 for some equipment that I needed only bc T-mobile lied to us at the store and on their coverage map. I was livid talking to a gabillion damn reps. Finally, I found my old picture of the shipping label. Thank freaking goodness. Bam: package delivered to warehouse. Fuck you, scammers!! I mean, wtf? So many experiences with no accountability. I sent in all the info via mail AND email. Two days later and still no reply. T-Mobile, don’t make me call your sorry ass again…

Sleepless

So it’s the night before Bubbey flies home, and although I tried really hard to get to bed early, my mind just will not. shut. off. After I was practically in a fit of rage yesterday about work, I wrote a blog post at night, hoping for some kind of therapeutic, calming effect. This morning, I went to work and felt ok about everything. I emailed my boss about some followup content for the post (that was requested by the other department). Done. Next.

At lunch, our department had a nice summer luncheon with London broil and a solid spread. After the outing, I sat down to review the work of my interns. Once or twice my boss came by to chitty chat, but things are a little different now I suppose. I don’t know that the effects will be long lasting, but considering how pissed I was just the day before, I’ll give myself a few more days.

Regardless, I know the answer. This evening, I went through every single contact in my LinkedIn connections. I noticed some interesting changes too: some people changed jobs; others are still unemployed; wow, some people I know are serial jumpers and you know what? Despite people’s judgements against “short-timers,” the jumpers are probably making way more bank. So it got me thinking: what’s even the point of one year? I mean, there isn’t any real hurry other than my intrinsic impatience, but one year is just as arbitrary as any timepoint. Whatever. One of the most interesting findings? My airplane bud L is no longer with that healthcare software startup in the city. I should have suspected something when he revealed he was like spending all this QT with the fam back East. I hope we can connect again this summer: he says he’ll be back in California at the end of July. In terms of what is next: I’ve got a few things on my list. I’m not opposed to private sector, but I do think I’d like to examine serving nonprofit clients working as a consultant at a software product company. We’ll see.

Bump in the Road

So I got super pissed off at work today. Despite kicking off my series of new programs last week, I had an exchange with my boss last night and this afternoon that just really made me want to hit eject on this goddamn place. (Yes, I know, I AM impatient just as many of you have said.) So my new programs (all started around the same time) include: K and I hitting the campus gym twice a week instead of once, the FMD diet (though not strictly enforced), and rollerblading several times a week with Marty (he’s slow and therefore off-leash). After wasting the two weeks prior, I was finally feeling this week like, “Yeah, let’s get back on the wagon!”

Usually, I take great pride in my ability to spend time solo. I know, God forbid I ever admit to any kind of reliance or dependency on Bubbey, right? Well, the truth is, I really was handling everything just fine. I mean, the Marty maintenance was kind of intense, but I was getting all the details organized: the right combo of ingredients for his meals, the right mix of supplements, a cooking/meal prep schedule, the daily fluids intake… He visited the vet Sunday night, and the doctor suggested that I increase the fluids volume so I could decrease the frequency of pokes. I tried it earlier this week, but he just didn’t seem as good as he looked on the daily schedule. Right now, he is pooping and peeing regularly, drinking water on his own, and even having enough appetite to consume two hearty meals every day. Fingers crossed that this shit keeps up– forever.

On my parents’ end of things, I ordered my dad a new laptop, it delivered this week, and Bubbey dropped in town to help with set up. Yesterday evening, dad called about a missing “forward” button with his email, and immediately, I noticed he was still using the OLD laptop. Fucking A!! He complained that the old one didn’t have sound and was super slow with startup, blah, blah, so I get him a brand new one and he doesn’t use it!! I was so annoyed, but whatever, I’ll give him a few days. In general though, things finally seemed to be on the upswing (I spoke with my grandparents on the phone, and they sounded great!), and with two days left until Bubbey’s return, positivity was creeping back into my life! Imagine that.

Well, last night and this afternoon, my boss ticked me off with her office drama bullshit. Long story short, since I started here eight months ago, she’s always felt a need to meet with me before we’ve had meetings scheduled with other departments/teams across campus. In the beginning, I assumed that she was just being protective of my time, which is a good thing: You know, don’t agree to take on too many tasks/assignments from other people, and that way, we can maintain a manageable workload. I viewed this as her way of throttling work in my pipeline. Over time, however, I came to see that these “pre-meetings” were actually way more political. I understand that I work under her, and that I serve the central marcom office. I get that there are other forces at the institution that perhaps might have thoughts and ideas about how our social media efforts can serve them. The thing is, I have decent social skills. I’m not a world-class social intelligence expert like Bubbey is, but I’ve read a LOT and I’ve subjected myself to a lot of social scenarios to build my real-life experience. I know how to collaborate and get along with all kinds of people, at all levels, and from different backgrounds. Being a female engineer in college and beyond, and having worked with solid waste engineers and landfill operators (predominantly old, white men) in the South, plus having my other work experiences in different industries and countries and whatever… I can fucking hold my own!

Long story short, what I had previously read as protective, I now view as territorial, competitive, and distrustful. As I have been trying to build connections and reach out to other departments across campus, she keeps reiterating our priorities and our own work. Not very collaborative. And worse than that, maybe she thinks she’s letting me in on the history/background of relationships, but it’s coming across like a ton of extraneous bullshit. And you know what? This paranoid and neurotic mentality reminds me an awful lot of my parents, with their constant warnings of danger and sabotage. I don’t live with those shit-colored lenses. I like to trust people and believe people, and you know what? I’m almost 40-fucking-years-old, and it has YET to burn me. That’s not to say, I’m a fucking oblivious dumbass, refusing to recognize potential risk and danger. I have awareness, but I’m not going to look for devious intentions unless I have reason to. So our conversation today surrounded one particular person in our office. He’s not popular, and multiple people have warned that he has self-serving intentions. Seriously, I could care less if other people are super ambitious in this workplace. Go for it. I have no movement up, and I could care less for me, but if you have the drive and interest, have at it! Anyway, I really felt like she was telling me who to like and who to dislike. I have my own interactions with people, and I make my own goddamn decisions. That’s not to dismiss what she has experienced and what she has witnessed for her… she can think whatever the fuck she wants, but don’t dictate how I ought to judge and characterize people. First of all, I have realized that other people and I frequently have different perceptions/attitudes/reactions. For example, while my parents would argue that so-and-so’s actions were done out of spite or jealousy or ill-will, I might not have read the scenario the same way. And I can say, so many times when I was growing up, my mother interpreted my actions to stem from x or y emotion. Maybe she was right in her assessment early on, when I was a child. But later, after I became an adult, my mother constantly applied those same filters to my behavior even when my intentions and motivations were completely different. It’s kind of like, once you decide you dislike someone, everything they do is then viewed with a negative lens. I feel like my boss has decided that she dislikes a bunch of people/departments/units at work. And no matter what, it’s as if I have to adopt her same read on those people. Sure, she might have legit reasons for feeling x about certain people. But don’t fucking insist that  I adopt your filters. And if it’s a loyalty issue, screw that. Loyalty, especially in the workplace, is dead. The only thing that I carry with me from one place to another is the quality of my work, my work ethic, my integrity, and my relationships. And I decide all of those things for me. Yeah, can you tell I’ve been bullied in my past? This shit is a deal. breaker.

But whatever. Like an adult, I am trying to calm the fuck down bc yes, my boss is supportive, and yes, she has championed me in the past. Her style just is NOT my style. But heck, she’d better tone it the hell down, bc I’ve been listening to all this poison for eight months, and it’s really testing my patience.

Destination Reached

Bubbey finally reached his destination (Maryland) on Friday. Yup, exactly two weeks on the road: 4500 miles and 14 states. So while he’s been out frolicking, I’ve pretty much been a boring homebody. My original plan was actually to try and catch up on my sleep. Sadly, my sleep quality still sucks. I feel like I just squandered two weeks of time that I should have used to get back on a program. Goddamnit. Oh well, no point crying over what’s done and over.

On the plus side, Marty made it two weeks and I was able to catch up with some of my long lost buds. At work, things have slowed down over the summer… finally. I am liking my new summer interns, and I’m taking some time now to review metrics and vendor products. The division and school have also held a number of appreciation/newbie welcoming lunches, which have been nice. We certainly never got this much food/drink at the government agency.

On Thursday, we had a division offsite retreat, which I helped to organize. Yes, can you believe, I (of all people) was invited to be on the “fun” committee? I think people just automatically assume social media = fun. Little do they know… This time around, the duties pretty much just entailed me going on a Costco and Target run and then arriving early and staying late the day of. The venue was nestled up in the woods– a place I’d never been. Very cool spot, except for the damn kids running rampant for summer camp.

On Friday, the day after, the office was pretty dead. And the people who did go into work weren’t motivated at all. I mean, I’m kinda tight ass about my work, so I was still trying to get SOME shit done. Meanwhile, T was like calling the cable company negotiating discounts with her fucking office door open. Seriously. I mean, I have no issue about having to take care of some personal business during office hours, but at least try to be discreet. Do you have to have everyone in on what you’re doing? And then afterwards, don’t come into my office complaining about how you have no work to do. The thing about some of these office newbies: they make it seem like the reason they have no work is because they are super efficient, and the veteran workers just take forever with their tasks. Ok, people. Maybe you are super speedy and efficient and productive. Good for you. But it COULD also be that you aren’t being given enough fucking work. If you’re working less than 40 hours/week, then you’re not full-time. Period. Stop making it seem like you’re some superstar worker. Granted, their managers need to adjust their responsibilities or whatever but still, all this fluff talk just irks my nerves. I mean, my interns probably work more hours. Anyway… that’s the thing about this workplace. It’s not that the people there aren’t nice. They’re very warm and friendly: I just don’t jive with them (except my bud K)– chalk it up to different work styles, lifestyles, interest areas, communication styles, or whatever. Like on Friday afternoon, a bunch of people were gathered in the office common area listening to music from the 80s or 90s and dancing. I mean, I was still trying to get work done! Yeah, I know. It’s Friday: chill the fuck out. I just ended up leaving the office. I wasn’t about to throw myself into a dance off. I’m down with hanging with my coworkers, but I’m NOT down with hanging with them in that manner. Yes, I’m selective and again, unapologetic about it. Sorry folks, you don’t make the inner circle cut. And I probably don’t make your cut either. Whatever though. Social exclusion doesn’t bother me.

Holding Down the Fort

So Bubbey’s been on the road now for about ten days. I’m doing well: getting the hang of things. I’ve had Marty on a special homemade diet of chicken, sweet potatoes, cheerios, and cottage cheese (thank goodness for the pressure cooker!), and along with the daily fluids and supplements, he seems to be doing well. His coat is back to a shine, and he is pretty energetic at the park. What a relief, bc that has really been my biggest stressor. Fortunately, his current state gives me some breathing room, so I’m trying to get my own anxiety back in check: I’m going to the gym once a week with my office bud K, and slowly but surely, I’m just trying to move more. Exercise always helps stem the neuroses.

In other news, the chatterbox colleague at work got pissed at me. A few weeks ago, I was meeting with my boss in my boss’ office, and we were talking about work (not that it really matters). In her usual m.o., T just walked right into the room and asked what we were talking about. I mean, who interrupts two people who are clearly having a private conversation in a private office? The thing is, she knows exactly what she’s doing too, bc she made a comment that she “barged” in on us. I then promptly agreed, saying “Yeah, you did.” She essentially took over the conversation, so then I left. A few minutes later, she came into my office and said she was mad at me. I was like, “What are you talking about?” She was mad that I had agreed with her comment!! Ugh, are you fucking kidding me? I mean, SHE made the observation; SHE committed the act; I just agreed and what, I wasn’t supposed to? Fucking annoying bullshit drama. Whatever though. I wasn’t about to apologize for that shit. The nerve.

A few days after that, two people were in my office with the door closed. We were having a conversation, shooting the shit, whatever. T comes by and tries to open the door. I look up and don’t do anything, bc there are two people in my office and the door is closed. Like, hello, I’m busy: come back later. So then she makes eye contact with H, points to him and then points to herself, which I read as “come see me when you’re done.” She left, and we resumed. Well, as soon as H got out of my office, she went to him and was all like, “Why don’t people like me?” And she was pissed that I was mean to her. Meanwhile, did she approach me about any of this? Nope. Didn’t even have the nerve to tell me to my face. Seriously, I don’t have time for middle school drama like that. Be a fucking adult. Behave like you have professional awareness and courtesy. Don’t just insert yourself with every instance. After that, she was out of the office for a week. Thankfully, since returning, she’s mostly left me alone. I mean, had she come to complain to me, I would have told her: please don’t barge in every time I’m in a conversation with someone: it’s rude and immature. But I suppose now she doesn’t like me, so same end but different means. Whatever. I’m not trying to be snobby, but most people who reach their 40s have dealt with being unpopular at some point in their lives. I would hope that by now, working adults like T could handle NOT being included in every single conversation or social activity. Hello, life skills.

Speaking of friends, I received an email recently from my former coworker J. Yes, the dude who pissed me off at the end of March (I’m good with dates) when he bailed last minute on lunch plans. Interestingly, his email asked 1) if we were still friends and 2) was it something he said? the lack of response with email? the bailing on lunch? Clearly, the dude has legit social awareness. The thing is, my last workplace was a really important time and place in my life. Even though I left by choice, I felt a lot of grief leaving the place and the people. And already, I’d been feeling disappointed about all the friendships there that pretty much died due to lack of effort. Yes, like father, like daughter: I had expectations that people were going to stay in touch. I’m still in touch with my closest friends there, but even for the friends one circle out, I expected SOMEthing. Instead, I got nada. My thing about relationships and effort: I do feel like some things aren’t supposed to be demanded: some things should just be given by the other person out of their love for you. I believe this to be true in marriage and in friendship. Maybe that’s unfair. My therapist used to tell me that people aren’t mind readers. Still, I feel like if there is ever any one quality/characteristic that draws me to another person, fundamentally, it is SOME base level of awareness and consideration.

As a child, my grandmother and mother always favored my brother, and so many times, I pointed out the imbalance of attention, but ultimately, being petulant never changed their behavior. Eventually, I just learned to not rely or even care about their attention. In retrospect, that’s one thing that’s made me fiercely independent. And extrapolating that a bit into adulthood, I think with adult relationships, there’s more clarity on what’s at stake. I’m not comfortable clamoring for someone to “spend time with me.” We’re married or we’re friends, and I have my limits. I’m not the goddamned Giving Tree. You gotta pay to play. But I digress… So anyway, J reached out. His email showed that he already had a sense for what was up. I confirmed his suspicions replying, “all of the above.” Yeah, I had stopped investing, bc I wasn’t getting anything in return and that hurt my feelings. I get it: life is busy and complicated with lots of responsibilities and schedule demands. I try really hard to give people the benefit of the doubt, but in this case, the repeated rejection and lack of reciprocity just finally got to me. And the disappointment compounded with all the other disappointment made me very sad. That said, this is life. Relationships evolve, and it is what it is. By now, I’ve processed the loss. He replied with an apology and said he was trying… I’m not holding my breath. Friends for a reason; friends for a season; friends for a lifetime. Or as Bubbey likes to put it: active vs. dormant. I’m glad J reached out, bc I value the radical honesty, but… we’ll see what’s next.

Meanwhile, my bud M is a fitness nut. She’s obsessed with that show, American Ninja Warrior. Homegirl researched a legit ninja gym and discovered that the closest one with the obstacles is in Concord. On Sunday, I’d gotten up early. I was in power pill mode, so by 11 am, I had done laundry, made a fresh batch of food for Marty, swept, vacuumed, and mopped. M emailed me at noon, saying the gym ran classes and open gym on Sunday. We decided to just go spur of the moment. Yup, I scooped her up in San Mateo and off we went. The class wasn’t too bad: we just did some warm up drills and then the teacher (owner/ANW competitor) showed us a few stations. In all, we were there for THREE hours. Yup, like serious meatheads. Indeed, I saw a lot of buff bods there. Holy fuck, these parkour/ninja people are intense. I sweated my brains out, but it was fun. If anything, we captured some awesome pics and videos that are great for laughs. M is a beast. She made it to the top of the wall like 4 times. I got stuck, squirming and dangling for an eternity until a helpful gent gave me a boost. Holy fuck, the ninjas have crazy finger/arm strength. We had a great time, but at the end, we concluded that we needed to train up on our own and achieve a base level of fitness before hitting up more of those obstacles. I’m sure M will get there soon. On the other hand, I’m happy just to clock in a few thousand steps a day. Manage those expectations, goddamnit.[FAG id=7441]