Category Archives: Work

Destination Reached

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Bubbey finally reached his destination (Maryland) on Friday. Yup, exactly two weeks on the road: 4500 miles and 14 states. So while he’s been out frolicking, I’ve pretty much been a boring homebody. My original plan was actually to try and catch up on my sleep. Sadly, my sleep quality still sucks. I feel like I just squandered two weeks of time that I should have used to get back on a program. Goddamnit. Oh well, no point crying over what’s done and over.

On the plus side, Marty made it two weeks and I was able to catch up with some of my long lost buds. At work, things have slowed down over the summer… finally. I am liking my new summer interns, and I’m taking some time now to review metrics and vendor products. The division and school have also held a number of appreciation/newbie welcoming lunches, which have been nice. We certainly never got this much food/drink at the government agency.

On Thursday, we had a division offsite retreat, which I helped to organize. Yes, can you believe, I (of all people) was invited to be on the “fun” committee? I think people just automatically assume social media = fun. Little do they know… This time around, the duties pretty much just entailed me going on a Costco and Target run and then arriving early and staying late the day of. The venue was nestled up in the woods– a place I’d never been. Very cool spot, except for the damn kids running rampant for summer camp.

On Friday, the day after, the office was pretty dead. And the people who did go into work weren’t motivated at all. I mean, I’m kinda tight ass about my work, so I was still trying to get SOME shit done. Meanwhile, T was like calling the cable company negotiating discounts with her fucking office door open. Seriously. I mean, I have no issue about having to take care of some personal business during office hours, but at least try to be discreet. Do you have to have everyone in on what you’re doing? And then afterwards, don’t come into my office complaining about how you have no work to do. The thing about some of these office newbies: they make it seem like the reason they have no work is because they are super efficient, and the veteran workers just take forever with their tasks. Ok, people. Maybe you are super speedy and efficient and productive. Good for you. But it COULD also be that you aren’t being given enough fucking work. If you’re working less than 40 hours/week, then you’re not full-time. Period. Stop making it seem like you’re some superstar worker. Granted, their managers need to adjust their responsibilities or whatever but still, all this fluff talk just irks my nerves. I mean, my interns probably work more hours. Anyway… that’s the thing about this workplace. It’s not that the people there aren’t nice. They’re very warm and friendly: I just don’t jive with them (except my bud K)– chalk it up to different work styles, lifestyles, interest areas, communication styles, or whatever. Like on Friday afternoon, a bunch of people were gathered in the office common area listening to music from the 80s or 90s and dancing. I mean, I was still trying to get work done! Yeah, I know. It’s Friday: chill the fuck out. I just ended up leaving the office. I wasn’t about to throw myself into a dance off. I’m down with hanging with my coworkers, but I’m NOT down with hanging with them in that manner. Yes, I’m selective and again, unapologetic about it. Sorry folks, you don’t make the inner circle cut. And I probably don’t make your cut either. Whatever though. Social exclusion doesn’t bother me.

Holding Down the Fort

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So Bubbey’s been on the road now for about ten days. I’m doing well: getting the hang of things. I’ve had Marty on a special homemade diet of chicken, sweet potatoes, cheerios, and cottage cheese (thank goodness for the pressure cooker!), and along with the daily fluids and supplements, he seems to be doing well. His coat is back to a shine, and he is pretty energetic at the park. What a relief, bc that has really been my biggest stressor. Fortunately, his current state gives me some breathing room, so I’m trying to get my own anxiety back in check: I’m going to the gym once a week with my office bud K, and slowly but surely, I’m just trying to move more. Exercise always helps stem the neuroses.

In other news, the chatterbox colleague at work got pissed at me. A few weeks ago, I was meeting with my boss in my boss’ office, and we were talking about work (not that it really matters). In her usual m.o., T just walked right into the room and asked what we were talking about. I mean, who interrupts two people who are clearly having a private conversation in a private office? The thing is, she knows exactly what she’s doing too, bc she made a comment that she “barged” in on us. I then promptly agreed, saying “Yeah, you did.” She essentially took over the conversation, so then I left. A few minutes later, she came into my office and said she was mad at me. I was like, “What are you talking about?” She was mad that I had agreed with her comment!! Ugh, are you fucking kidding me? I mean, SHE made the observation; SHE committed the act; I just agreed and what, I wasn’t supposed to? Fucking annoying bullshit drama. Whatever though. I wasn’t about to apologize for that shit. The nerve.

A few days after that, two people were in my office with the door closed. We were having a conversation, shooting the shit, whatever. T comes by and tries to open the door. I look up and don’t do anything, bc there are two people in my office and the door is closed. Like, hello, I’m busy: come back later. So then she makes eye contact with H, points to him and then points to herself, which I read as “come see me when you’re done.” She left, and we resumed. Well, as soon as H got out of my office, she went to him and was all like, “Why don’t people like me?” And she was pissed that I was mean to her. Meanwhile, did she approach me about any of this? Nope. Didn’t even have the nerve to tell me to my face. Seriously, I don’t have time for middle school drama like that. Be a fucking adult. Behave like you have professional awareness and courtesy. Don’t just insert yourself with every instance. After that, she was out of the office for a week. Thankfully, since returning, she’s mostly left me alone. I mean, had she come to complain to me, I would have told her: please don’t barge in every time I’m in a conversation with someone: it’s rude and immature. But I suppose now she doesn’t like me, so same end but different means. Whatever. I’m not trying to be snobby, but most people who reach their 40s have dealt with being unpopular at some point in their lives. I would hope that by now, working adults like T could handle NOT being included in every single conversation or social activity. Hello, life skills.

Speaking of friends, I received an email recently from my former coworker J. Yes, the dude who pissed me off at the end of March (I’m good with dates) when he bailed last minute on lunch plans. Interestingly, his email asked 1) if we were still friends and 2) was it something he said? the lack of response with email? the bailing on lunch? Clearly, the dude has legit social awareness. The thing is, my last workplace was a really important time and place in my life. Even though I left by choice, I felt a lot of grief leaving the place and the people. And already, I’d been feeling disappointed about all the friendships there that pretty much died due to lack of effort. Yes, like father, like daughter: I had expectations that people were going to stay in touch. I’m still in touch with my closest friends there, but even for the friends one circle out, I expected SOMEthing. Instead, I got nada. My thing about relationships and effort: I do feel like some things aren’t supposed to be demanded: some things should just be given by the other person out of their love for you. I believe this to be true in marriage and in friendship. Maybe that’s unfair. My therapist used to tell me that people aren’t mind readers. Still, I feel like if there is ever any one quality/characteristic that draws me to another person, fundamentally, it is SOME base level of awareness and consideration.

As a child, my grandmother and mother always favored my brother, and so many times, I pointed out the imbalance of attention, but ultimately, being petulant never changed their behavior. Eventually, I just learned to not rely or even care about their attention. In retrospect, that’s one thing that’s made me fiercely independent. And extrapolating that a bit into adulthood, I think with adult relationships, there’s more clarity on what’s at stake. I’m not comfortable clamoring for someone to “spend time with me.” We’re married or we’re friends, and I have my limits. I’m not the goddamned Giving Tree. You gotta pay to play. But I digress… So anyway, J reached out. His email showed that he already had a sense for what was up. I confirmed his suspicions replying, “all of the above.” Yeah, I had stopped investing, bc I wasn’t getting anything in return and that hurt my feelings. I get it: life is busy and complicated with lots of responsibilities and schedule demands. I try really hard to give people the benefit of the doubt, but in this case, the repeated rejection and lack of reciprocity just finally got to me. And the disappointment compounded with all the other disappointment made me very sad. That said, this is life. Relationships evolve, and it is what it is. By now, I’ve processed the loss. He replied with an apology and said he was trying… I’m not holding my breath. Friends for a reason; friends for a season; friends for a lifetime. Or as Bubbey likes to put it: active vs. dormant. I’m glad J reached out, bc I value the radical honesty, but… we’ll see what’s next.

Meanwhile, my bud M is a fitness nut. She’s obsessed with that show, American Ninja Warrior. Homegirl researched a legit ninja gym and discovered that the closest one with the obstacles is in Concord. On Sunday, I’d gotten up early. I was in power pill mode, so by 11 am, I had done laundry, made a fresh batch of food for Marty, swept, vacuumed, and mopped. M emailed me at noon, saying the gym ran classes and open gym on Sunday. We decided to just go spur of the moment. Yup, I scooped her up in San Mateo and off we went. The class wasn’t too bad: we just did some warm up drills and then the teacher (owner/ANW competitor) showed us a few stations. In all, we were there for THREE hours. Yup, like serious meatheads. Indeed, I saw a lot of buff bods there. Holy fuck, these parkour/ninja people are intense. I sweated my brains out, but it was fun. If anything, we captured some awesome pics and videos that are great for laughs. M is a beast. She made it to the top of the wall like 4 times. I got stuck, squirming and dangling for an eternity until a helpful gent gave me a boost. Holy fuck, the ninjas have crazy finger/arm strength. We had a great time, but at the end, we concluded that we needed to train up on our own and achieve a base level of fitness before hitting up more of those obstacles. I’m sure M will get there soon. On the other hand, I’m happy just to clock in a few thousand steps a day. Manage those expectations, goddamnit.

Holding Down Pics

Livin’ La Vida Loca in Miami

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Oh shit, my blogging is all out of whack. I never wrote a recap of Miami…

My college bud J and I had a great time catching up in Miami. He flew in for less than 48 hours, but we did and saw a ton. And that’s kinda how he likes to roll. Several years ago, John and I met up with him in Austin for a 3-day weekend. We travel very well together: a lot of hanging out over meals, walking around, checking out parks, and then finding local food joints and music spots. Incidentally, J was telling me how this trip was oddly meant to be: in March, he had entered and won the NCAA bball office pool, and Duke won this year, so this last minute splurge was our little toast to Duke! Haha, who knew the alma mater would pay us back this way?

So Thursday night, he got in pretty late. We hit up a local bar and scarffed down uber greasy mac and cheese and other unhealthy bar food. Then we chatted all the way home. Eventually, he crashed but I was still wired, up til 4a!! The next morning, I was sooo tired but I was up at the crack of dawn doing work remotely. Some huge donor announcement where everyone at the school was freaking out for no damn reason. Seriously, I did my parts and then all morning long, while I was trying to pay attention in the sessions, the boss kept sending me text messages and this and that. I was getting so annoyed, again, with this feigned importance.

The sessions wrapped around noon; I went back up to the room and then J was stressing about not working Friday afternoon. See? I told you we’re both fucking workaholics. I ended up taking a nap, bc I was so damn tired. And he was glad to squeeze in a few more hours of work. Finally, at like 5p, we were ready to hit up South Beach. Except that the front desk told us rush hour traffic across the bridge was no joke. Ugh! So instead, we decided to walk from the Financial District north towards the bridge (7 miles). We stopped at a park or two and then grabbed happy hour bites along the waterfront. The funny thing about J is that he works for a tech/software company, but he’s super low tech. Never once when we were hanging out did he ever bust out his Blackberry. It was initially a little weird considering phones are so damn ubiquitous in Silicon Valley, but after awhile, it was refreshing to actually have someone’s undivided attention. Wow, imagine that.

We talked a lot about work and life. He hates his work, and yet many years in, he’s still there doing patent law. He’s terribly unhappy, and the high stress and long hours have taken a toll: he appears thinner than the last time I saw him, and he looks tired. It really made me wonder: why is life such a goddamn conundrum for so many people? I feel like we’re all smart, driven, and resourceful individuals, and yet we just can’t seem to get this shit right. And while we procrastinate and flounder grinding through day to day, we only prolong the damage and self destruction. I know money is necessary for survival: it affords us security and flexibilty and freedom, plus so many material comforts. It’s critical, but how much and at what cost? Meanwhile time just keeps ticking…

I worry about my friend. At times, I listen to him and I see this miserable picture. He’s single: paid off his school loans, doesn’t have debt, no spouse/sig other, no kids. If ANYone could up and leave and try something entirely new, it seems he would be that person. But as he explains, being an attorney has exacerbated his already worrisome and neurotic nature. Working in law, he’s constantly planning against things going wrong, protecting for worst-case scenarios. Consequently, risk is now something that is scarier than ever to him, bc he has to zone in on it and obsess over it in his daily work. J has always had an enormously high threshold for pain, but somehow I feel like he’s nearing a tipping point. I am hopeful that he will break the cycle soon.

Other incidents in South Beach: we arrived around 7:30p. I threw off my shoes and walked on the beach, headed for the water. Aahh, so much warmer than back West. There were lots of hard bodies in SB. I think there was a CrossFit class going on also. Take it easy, meatheads. For dinner, we hit up a local Cuban chain restaurant, where I ordered a super tasty chicken special. The meat had been slow cooked for like 30 hrs.

Interestingly, my entire time in Florida, I wanted to try Lyft, the Uber competitor. My buddy D recently used the service and loved it. He sent me a referral link with a $20 credit. I’ve never actually used Uber myself. I don’t like their vibe: the CEO is an asshole. I read something recently where he gave some inappropriate/lame response to an incident where a female passenger was driven somewhere remote and raped by the driver. So yeah, I was stoked to try Lyft and I figured having a buddy would be the perfect opportunity to give the service a try. Nope, J flat out refused on grounds that it was not legit and too risky. Yup, a total glimpse into what he had revealed earlier. No Lyft for me this time.

On Saturday, we got up early to hit up Vizcaya House and Gardens, some part-time home for a wealthy agriculture industrialist from a long time ago. I really like historic mansions with gardens. The architecture of this one felt a little on the creepy, decrepit side, but the property location was stellar: right there on the water. As I prepared to leave for the hotel then airport, I received a message that my flight was delayed 2 hours. Fine, we walked around a bit more and then instead of cabbing back to the hotel, we took the free Miami trolley. Yeah, we figured out the route and schedule NOT by looking shit up with our phones but by reading the posted schedules and guidelines at the busstop!! Kicking it old school.

The rest of the day was pretty long. The delayed flight was even MORE delayed (no explanations from AA and we sat on the tarmac forEVER), causing me to arrive in SFO too late to get Marty. Yup, another night with the sitter.

Overall though, Miami was a productive and fun trip. I learned a lot at the conference; I made some contacts; I got shit done; and we squeezed in a ton of fun activities. Oh, I almost forgot to give a shoutout to my bud E, who met up for dinner and drinks my very first night there. E and I met two years ago at the BlogHer conference. She runs the genius MommyMafia blog, which btw has taken off crazy in two very short years. E is originally from southern California, but she’s been in Miami for a decade plus (??) now. We’ve been in touch on and off since we first met (we met up for BlogHer last year in San Jose), so when I was on her turf, she was sweet enough to meet up for dinner at a Peruvian spot (where she was sweatin’ our waiter Ramses), and then she showed me around the famous Delano Hotel in South Beach. That’s where we sipped champagne sitting at a table IN the pool. I also admired the beautiful flowy white curtains in the hotel lobby and imagined that I was in the Ricky Martin video that was shot there years ago. 🙂 It was so fun seeing E again. I can honestly say that the Vicky from a few years back would never have reached out to someone I’d met at an event and asked her to hang out. But I’m glad that I adopted some new game-changing practices from my yearlong sabbatical. We had a great time, and I hope the next time she’s in the Bay Area, she’ll hit me up!

As for my buddy J, we’ll see how things go for him at work over the next several months… Who knows, maybe he’ll surprise me like he did by agreeing to meet up last minute in Florida!

Day 2 of the Conference

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OMG, I got zero sleep last night. Yes, I practically had a slumber party all by myself. You see, yesterday morning, I just had to try the in-room espresso machine, bc well fuck, that shit is free. Nevermind that I am super duper HYPERsensitive to caffeine. I figured, heck, I had all damn day to let that shit process through my body. Well, the conference ran 1 – 7p, and then since the pool was closed (major banker hours), I ended up hanging in my room doing work. Then I blogged. Then, whatever, whatever, the next thing I know, it’s fucking 4:30a and I have to get up before 8 to hop in the shower and continue my free-a-thon with the continental breakfast. I know, it’s my own damn fault. I kill myself.

Day 2 of the conference was good except that I kept getting bullshit work email, so that was distracting. And then the conference did this experimental live streaming session with panelists in the UK. The audio sucked, and then on top of that, it like required too much brain power for me to decipher their accents. I know, the Brit accent isn’t that severe, but I’m a tard. Too much brain power. Even though I zoned out on some of the sessions, I did much better today making connections, i.e. spamming people with my business cards.

I have to say, the higher ed scene is an interesting space. It actually feels very high school. The development people are all the cheerleader/cool kids with their school spirit and leadership and involvement (both as students and as alums). The communications people are a lot of ex-journos, so extroverted and curious. The data/techie people are more in the weeds. So the morning keynote yesterday was this Ken-doll-esque sports captain dude with two Ivy League degrees. He’s the CEO of a data aggregation platform that we actually use at my school. For my own professional dev challenge, I knew I had to make the connection. Well all day yesterday, people swarmed around him. I felt intimidated, not only by his academic pedigree but you know, big dog CEO plus he’s all JFK and shit. I dunno. So today, I finally caught him in a solo moment, engrossed on his phone and laptop, and then I went in for the kill. I said that I really enjoyed his talk yesterday, and he replied, “Why?” Yeah, I had to do a double take! What an unexpected reply. It was fine: I explained my connection to his company, that I used his tool last night, blah, blah. I think I played it cool, but I was def a little thrown off. And of course, he later introduced me to another client. In a very high school fashion, she barely gave me two seconds to exchange cards. That’s what I mean. More so than any other industry conference I have attended, this conference really has a strange way of transporting me back to high school with all its awkward and insecure moments.

And let me just say… those development people? Always so beautiful and polished and confident. I mean, it makes sense. They’re the schmoozers, right? I remember a few years back, I toyed with this idea of working in sales. I was convinced that a sales gig would give me super powers, and I would finally be able to stop being inconvenienced by my discomfort and social awkwardness. When I mentioned this to J and all my friends, they all just shook their heads, without a second of hesitation. I mean, radical honesty is radical honesty. They didn’t see it. I actually think I could do it. I might not be super good at it, and it might drain me, but I think I could definitely learn and improve enough to be decent. I mean I did cold calls at the fuel cell startup, and I was ok. Then again, I admit, it would probably never come naturally. Still, how cool to have that charisma and instant magnetism. Haha, listen to me. What it must be like to be cool and popular. Sigh, sigh! See??? Back in high school again.

Anyway, like I said, I met a lot of people today. I happened to sit next to a UC Santa Cruz person, and then she introduced me to a Mills College lady and a guy from UCLA. Interestingly, all of them were former journalists. Isn’t that sad? Fucking news, man. No one cares anymore about the cold hard facts. People just want to see fluffed, sensationalized crap. And social totally aids and abets that shift. We went to a ceviche spot together for lunch. I also met the ED of Marketing and Comm for Texas A&M. Wow, the way he described Galveston there on the ocean. Sounded beautiful PLUS their mascot is a mini horse. I mean, I’m sold!! Texas anyone?

So my bud Josh flies in tonight. Kinda late, so I’m going to research some food options for a late dinner. I managed to squeeze in some pool and hot tub time earlier as soon as the sessions let out. Still cloudy outside but the pool was nice. I dunno why more people don’t go in the pool. They just lay around, and there’s no f-ing sun!! Doesn’t make sense. I went in the hot tub too. It was super hot (yay!) and cloudy as hell. So kinda gross, but I made the best of it. Incidentally, I just discovered a foosball table in the next building. Love foosball. We’ll see if J is up for a game later.

Hello from Miami

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So I took a long break from blogging… yeah, after I bruised my nose from the iPad crashing down on my face, I decided I couldn’t be writing posts half asleep. To be honest, I started writing a long post about friendships (surprise, surprise) and then I just kept wasting time on it, bc I couldn’t seem to get the gist right. For now, I have abandoned the draft, bc I don’t have time to keep reworking it. After all, time’s a tickin’, and as it is, I’m freaking all the way across the country now in Miami.

Quick recap: John’s mom is still in the acute rehab facility. She is doing well. She has her hospital posse going on. For one thing, she shares a room with another lady, and they’re so chatty, they don’t even use the room divider curtain thing for personal privacy! J is still back East. He and his siblings finally convinced the parents to move into a 2 BR apartment within an assisted living community. I know it’s a huge change, and I try to be understanding about it, but I guess I also feel really protective of J. He’s been there now for three weeks, handling everything from cooking meals for his dad, to decluttering, to driving them back/forth to the hospital, to organizing, to now packing and moving. If we thought him working at a startup was exhausting and 24/7, this eldercare shit is no. fucking. joke. And incidentally, J comes from a family of chatterboxes, so for an introvert who needs his recharge quiet time, all the human interaction is draining even if his threshold for family is high. He’s been amazing, and they are so lucky to have him willing and able to help.

I really hate to be one of THOSE people crying over spilled milk (or is it spoiled milk), but Jesus Christ. So much of this chaos could have been minimized. For YEARS, J and his siblings broached these difficult topics of aging with the parents. From asking them to consider cleaning services and food delivery, to setting up health directives and wills, to using a cane/walker, to thinking about moving out of their split level home… And yet every single time, their good intentions were met with anger and frustration and resistance. I’m a stubborn person. I understand that when I think I’m right, I don’t want to be bullied into changing my mind. But I dunno. There’s just something about the lack of awareness/self-perception and consequently, the denial and refusal that tries my patience, and I’m not even involved in any of the conversations. Fuck, man. It sounds so frickin’ hard. No wonder Bubbey’s EQ and people skills are “world-class.” I would have lost my shit a million times over.

The good news is that things are finally in motion, regardless of how the cascade of events was triggered. They move on Friday, and Bubbey returns one week after that. Yes, he is going to need a major vacation after all this. Interestingly, as all of this has gone down, I have been telling my parents: figure your shit out bc otherwise, I am going to just come in and bulldoze. I mean, I’m giving them fair warning. And hell, they KNOW I have zero patience, so that’s that. If you don’t figure it out ahead of time, I’m calling all the shots. If you want slow-moving indecisive bullshit, go call on my brother. Doh!!

As for my grandfather, he has graduated from in-home (visiting) physical therapy sessions. The therapists now say he has to go to a local facility with more equipment, bc the daily household exercises are just too easy for him. Yup, my Yebbie is crazy athletic. Did I even tell you? On like the second day after he moved in with my parents, my father found gramps downstairs in the basement, trying out the brand new elliptical machine I had bought my parents in February. Homeboy like made his own way down the stairs and climbed on the equipment. My dad was like, “Hold on, here. You can’t be getting on this thing just yet. You just got home from rehab!!” Yeah man. Yebbie is on the move and cannot be stopped. Thank goodness my parents confiscated his car keys, bc gramps was looking for his keys as soon as he got out of the hospital. Fucking fugitive.

What else. Oh, I had lunch with the boss to celebrate my six months on the job. My actual anniversary date was 4/20, so while I was prepping my bullet points for the conversation (outlining my accomplishments and list of requests/demands), I imagine much of the rest of CA was busy smoking pot. Haha. Yeah, I got all decked out in my power dress too. We had a good conversation. I talked about my challenges, the work load, what I like/dislike… and then I launched into it. But before I was even able to rattle off my items, she stopped me and said she already put in for an increase. It’s not going to be a boost like they do in the corporate world, but it will be within what the institution can do. So now we wait to see if her boss gives the green light. At the time, I was pretty pleased to hear this, but in retrospect, I feel like I should have pressed for details, like how much and what’s the timeline and can it be retroactive. Fucking A. This shit always comes to me AFTER the situation is over. Ah well. Guess I’ll just wait and see.

Meanwhile, the latest newbie is like stressing out every damn day. I mean for sure, she is hypersensitive and perfectionist. She admits this. As a former neurotic stressball myself, I get it: I used to be super reactive about EVERYTHING. Thankfully, in my old age and with the help of Bubbey, I have really chilled the fuck out. And I suppose my last job also gave me lots of practice with the constant disruptions and crisis mode bullshit. The thing with my coworker is that she’s having trouble adjusting and rather than internalize like I do (or I blab to my friends), she has to talk it out like then and there, so she just barges in and dumps it all… which is fine (this ain’t my first rodeo), but don’t expect me to join in escalating that shit, you know? I mean, I know some people are just all about the drama: I have been friends with people like that; I have worked with people like that. It’s ridiculous: every single thing is some kind of personal affront. The truth is, people are NOT that aware. Seriously, people are clueless dumb fucks. I know bc I’m sometimes one of those people wandering about the world, unintentionally cutting people off on the highway, saying nothing at all or something abrupt to a coworker walking down the hall bc I’m preoccupied with something else. But really, contrary to what my mother insisted while I was growing up, not every person is like deliberately trying to thwart you/me. And then beyond that, some people are just chronically frenzied. Like my current boss is perpetually frantic. You have to just understand that SHE is kinda all over the place. That said, not everything she brings to your attention is urgent and immediate. She’s just sharing to put the ball in your court, but you can determine the priority and handle it on your schedule. Anyway, I was trying to express this to my coworker. I felt like past coworkers had also shared this observation with me. But she doesn’t seem convinced. She wants to read it like a personal attack. So fine. Whatever. Go get yourself bent out of shape about it.

Fast forward: Now I’m in Miami for a social media conference. I flew in yesterday, and originally, I had all these grand plans to have people join me and share the swanky hotel room. My bud N was interested, but she had just recovered from back surgery and needed to head back to work. My friend M had some mandatory training at work. Bubs was stuck in MD. And then my other friends are now mothers. But hell, I am a determined beotch, so my hopes weren’t to be foiled. I called up my college buddy J and made the offer. Like with one week’s notice. Granted, J is a planner. He’s not an impulsive or frivolous person, so I fully expected a rejection. But whatdya fucking know? It’s a short, quick trip, but heck, he’s doing it and I couldn’t be more thrilled. Thursday night to Saturday lunch. I’m telling you, even friends you think you have completely figured out: they can still surprise you. I think Bubbey thought we were gonna have separate rooms, but I mean, that defeats the purpose of the free hotel stay!! Duh. Bubs is ok but not super thrilled. Whatever, man. J and I went to college together. He dates back pre-Bubbey even. Actually, I met J my sophomore year (same dorm) and John that summer. So it’s close, but these are silly irrational fears. John knows him, we’ve traveled together, and fuck man, I’m going to be wearing my organic cotton PJs– yes, the ones that look like a concentration camp uniform. In my defense, many years ago, J went solo to a friend’s wedding, and he shared a room with his ex. The thing is, we all have irrational fears. I refuse to let them paralyze me. Bottom line: if Bubs gives me his word, I choose to believe him. And the same goes for him. Heck, my word is even stronger than his, so trust, baby!

Typos and Other Boggles

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Tonight I went back to reread some of my posts, and holy fuck, there were a gabillion typos!!!! Embarrass, occasion, steals, and many more… And I call myself a writer! Tsk, tsk. I mean, yeah, I’m cranking these babies out half asleep (hence the nose bruise STILL) but shit, where’s the damn spell check on this WordPress iPad app? I look like a fucking dumbass. Not cool, man.

So the weekend was fun, productive, but also stressful. I had a great time chilling with T and M for Craft Club. That was fun, and my horsey wool buddy is looking kinda cute. I still want to turn him into a zebra, but those stripes are gonna require some major hours… When I went to leave, I could NOT find my car keys. Twenty minutes of digging through my bags and purse and checking throughout the house. WTF? Finally, M found them in my black craft bag, which I had checked multiple times, feeling around the inside compartments and pockets even! How did they get missed? No fucking idea.

After that stress, I went to see M’s house for the first time ever. So fricking nice: new construction, lovely sunlight, a huge patio, really nice decorations and art inside… Seriously. None of my Ikea, Mickey Mouse, freecycle, put cheap prints into Michael’s frames bullshit. The thing is, she takes care of her shit, whereas we abuse our stuff. “That’s why we can’t have nice things.” After seeing the ridic level of cleanliness at both places, I got home and started a scrub down. Yup, the bag of rags (old socks and clothes) came out. I did the baseboards, the window sills, the windows, dusting, vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, etc. In other words, I was exhausted. The next day, I pretty much just chilled. In the evening, as I was getting ready for bed, I could NOT find my work phone. Holy fuck. Not again. I searched the usual places. Did the Find my Friends app, which suggested it was across the street on a grassy median. Fucking A. 12:30 at night, and I am out there in shorts carrying a flashlight. I kept going around the spot where the marker was blinking on my screen. No luck. I re-searched inside. Then I saw cockroaches by the front door. Seriously?? I have never had problems with roaches. Later, in the middle of the night, I got up again and I saw a roach scurry away in the bedroom. WTF?  So then I researched roaches at about 3a. Baking soda. Like a maniac, I scattered baking soda all over the damn house, yes the same spots where I had earlier mopped and vacuumed to perfection!!

This morning, I woke up at 6a to go search for my phone again. Again, nothing. Argh!! Why am I misplacing things? Then began an entire cascade of self-abuse. What is wrong with my brain? I am losing my mind. This is the Universe’s way of punishing me for criticizing my mother, blah, blah. I tried to recenter. It’s just a stupid work phone. I’d been wanting to upgrade anyway. Just figure out what’s involved for an upgrade. Calm the hell down, crazy woman!!

The roofing estimator came by at 10. I had found his company on Yelp, where they had a shit ton of high marks. I also checked Google Reviews and BBB, etc. He was a super nice guy, and wow, having had two other companies provide quotes, he was the only contractor who said a spot repair was all that was needed to give us another 3-5 years. Hallelujah, mother fuckers! That was the sole good news of the morning.

Ok, I’m tired, so time to wrap this up. After work, I came home and searched again for the damn phone. For some reason, I decided to look in my car AGAIN. I looked under the seat. Then I looked super closely. There it was, fucking wedged in THE tightest of spaces between the driver seat and the middle console. I had to squish my hand in a very strange contorted fashion, but what a frickin’ relief!! I found the goddamn phone!!! Now, time to sleep.

College Night

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My boss frequently touts the events and activities on campus. She says being with the students gives her renewed energy and enthusiasm. Spoken like a true parent, right? Supposedly, kids keep you young and in touch. I’m skeptical but whatever I’m all about extracurricular activities. To date, I have attended a half dozen or so events, and fuck man, afterwards I always leave there depressed as hell. This past week, I attended “College Night” at the museum on campus. The concept was a museum open house with artsy crafty activities like henna tats and block prints (lithograph-style) plus live music, dance performances, a Capella, etc. I bumped into three of my interns while there. One intern practically showed up in her PJs. I know, it’s college living where everything blends together. I also saw someone else wearing a dress I own from Target. It’s a romper I bought a few years back. Perhaps it’s no longer age inappropriate for me. Overall, the evening was just a really weird experience of feeling out of place and disconnected. Not that these feelings are at all foreign to me. Certainly, I am very conditioned to uncomfortable and awkward moments. I don’t let them deter me. Still, I left feeling a tinge of regret. Why didn’t I have more fun when I was in school? Also, how the hell was college fucking 20+ years ago??? I know I’m not an old crusty just yet, but I feel sad for the lost time… the time that was squandered and is gone forever. Usually, I try not to focus too much on regret and things in my past. It really is pointless, wasted energy bc nothing there can be changed. But when I do occasionally indulge in this kind of destructive reflection, fuck man, I lost so many years to bad skin and freaking neuroses from hell. Thankfully, I have a new life now, an active and vibrant one, but the years ahead feel so numbered. I dunno why I feel so pessimistic. I mean, whatever happened to gratitude and embracing the present, right?

I guess having this whole past month focused on the oldies and eldercare just makes me overthink more than usual (imagine that!). I really need to proactively fight against turning into a depressed, isolated, inactive, and hermetic old person. Note to self, goddamnit.

So anyway, I left the bash and arrived home about 10p. I called Bubbey to lament further. It was 1a back East, so naturally, he fell asleep on me mid-conversation. However, he did manage to leave me with one thought. He assured me that there are more good times ahead for us. Just look at Marty. He is having the time of his life, and he is an uber oldie. So true. I need to chill the fuck out and stop wallowing in this ridic pool of self pity. 

On a positive note, I started up my 7 min workout this week. After 35 cumulative minutes on this program, I am already feeling the difference in my arms. Haha. Yuppers, Hercules is making a comeback!

Interaction Overload

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Last weekend, after a very long hiatus, J and I headed back to our fav spot, the SJ Improv. I guess I was in need of some laughs, right?? My bud K and her beau D joined us at the club: they met Unabomber Bubs for the first time ever. We had a fun night, even if D and I were a little tired/off. He because of ice hockey. Me bc of I dunno what. Household chores or something totally lame. Seriously. I’ve been draggin’ ass for the last month. Allergies, mental clutter, who the fuck knows. Anyway, after the show (we saw the very funny Pete Correale, who is currently taping a tv comedy special), we headed to a a swanky spot downtown for some bites. Apparently, there was a Nerium (facial serum) conference going on, so we saw lots of guests wearing head to toe white. Very odd. K, being the maven that she is, had gotten the Nerium scoop after striking a convo with our waiter (who does that??) His take on the whole thing? A total scam. Just another Amway-like pyramid model. I dunno though. Just bc that shit is a pyramid structure, does that mean it’s not legit? I used to love Mary Kay, and my career coach was a MK rep for almost two decades!! Sure, I agree that for most participants, the income usually serves as supplemental at best (rarely sufficient to be primary or standalone income). But heck, there’s a lot to be said for the work flexibility, no? Not gonna lie: I have definitely considered being a MK rep a few times in my life. Anyway, it was interesting to get the 411 from our waiter. Bubs and I never have real conversations with the wait staff.

What else. Oh, I rocked my brand new bedazzled H&M pants that night. Earlier in the week, I had Instagrammed about my $7 steal, and people were clearly skeptical. But shit man, I pulled those babies off. Of course, at the end of the night, after peeling those skinnies off, I had seam imprints up and down the inner and outer sides of my legs. I know, it’s a fucking miracle I didn’t give myself permanent nerve damage from that shit. Ah well, it was worth it. Hee, hee. What is my longer-term goal with these pants? First, fuck yeah, I’m gonna get many more wears out of those things! Especially while Bubs is back East, I’m on a new program to curb the overflowing muffin top. Operation Old Pants Fit! 

In other news, at work, I have been doing way too much social interaction lately. I dunno what the hell changed, but I’m suddenly in more meetings and talking to people all the time!! And yes, the new chick T is super talkative. Holy crap. If I ever considered myself extroverted, next to her? I’m like a Unabomber Bubbey needing his recharge couch time. Seriously. So many interruptions!!! 

The thing is, I was really hoping after the big campaign last month that shit would settle down at work, but nope. Among other shit, we’re losing all of our interns in the next month. Now I’m trying to recruit/interview/hire newbies while still managing the existing lot. It’s all a bit much, to be honest. And then weird shit keeps happening where the institution freaks out over the lamest things. Stuff that I don’t even consider news is like all hush hush top secret. I don’t get it. Sure, in some cases where I don’t necessarily have the entire back story, I don’t mind just following instructions and getting shit done. Definitely, I have to prioritize and get on to the next item in my list. Still though. I do have a mind of my own, you know? I’m not just a fucking robot doing things without thought, right? So fricking draining.

April Distractions

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So Bubbey returned from his East Coast trip on Monday night. Every time I go to get anyone from the airport, I always head up too early. Yes, I use the flight tracker, but I still arrive about 20 min too early. Happens every damn time, and I end up circling around the terminals really slowly, trying to avoid the parking nazis.

While hubs was away, I really enjoyed my me time, but I was also very happy to have Bubbey home again. The remainer of the week was ho hum The new academic quarter started up again with the kids returning from spring break, and of course, on social, we had to state the obvious:  welcome back from spring break, Happy April Fool’s, Good Friday, Passover, Easter, blah, blah.

Thankfully, we had Friday off. I lived it up with a bike ride and hike at Deer Hollow Farm with T. Always great to hang with a person who has a nice laid-back approach to things. He is really enjoying retirement, and dayum, I need to start exercising my lazy ass, bc T is in super duper shape with an intense regimen of TRX, raquetball, kayaking, biking… Yeah, I was pretty much huffing and puffing the whole damn time. Ridic.

In the evening, I met up with K. We scoped out an acapella concert put on by a touring men’s group from Oxford University. I had gone to a college acapella competition a few years back at Berkeley, so I was expecting something very similar. Nope, totally different. I could have sworn my friend was jonesing to get the hell out of that high school auditorium, jam packed with swooning high school girls getting all up in the grill of these college (gay) heartthrobs. The weird thing is, in my head, I had a totally different expectation for how/what these guys would look like: goddamn, these boys were soooo young looking. Surely when I was in college, the boys looked more mature than this!?!?! Overall, the music didn’t really captivate me. While I knew most of the songs, nothing really compelled me to get up and groove. On the contrary, I did leave there feeling inspired to work on my karaoke singing!

Actually yeah, one kid did really win me over with some amazing beat boxing at the end. Shiiit, if only I had rhythm, I would be all over that, adding it to the bucket list and all. But at this point in my life, I know my limits. Karaoke is the best I can hope for in the music category. Beatboxing ain’t gonna happen. Like ever.

I finally got ahold of my grandfather today. My parents have been really bad about calling me during the day, and whenever I call the room, no one ever answers the darn phone. Anyhow, he’s doing well. He still sounded a little confused about where he was and what had happened to him, but physically he is gaining strength and eating by mouth. Unfortunately, Dad said there was some discharge coming out of his G-tube, so doctors are worried there might be an infection in that area. Even though he is eating by mouth and not using the g-tube, you can’t remove it until 6-8 weeks after insertion. Something about the tract internally needing to seal so there isn’t leakage…

My dad sounds insanely tired, and for some reason, my mom is staying at the rehab hospital overnight. My grandfather has been unruly, ripping tubes out and such, but still. What can they do for him overnight, while they themselves are exhausted and resting? My father says both grandparents are going to move back home with them after the rehab, but I’m skeptical. I mean, seems like the house would have to have some retrofitting, and my parents would need to hire someone with physical strength to help my grandparents get around. I dunno. Every time I bring it up with my dad, he says they have to first see how things progress. Personally, I think there needs to be a better plan with contingency options, but maybe my parents will also have to gauge their own capacity with providing eldercare. Just in case, I think I will have to do some research about transportation and physical assistance.

I have to say, my mind feels so cluttered these days. I am really sruggling with trying to stay motivated at work. Thank goodness for my peeps at the office. Good people definitely play into the overall equation.

Belly Full of Bile

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Ever since my blowup with mom on Saturday, I’ve been carrying around a belly full of bile. I was just feeling so damn angry. Angry with my mother’s co-dependency. Angry with her helplessness. Angry with her inaction. Angry with how my parents’ parenting has enabled Johnny to be flakey and unreliable. The night I flew into SFO at 2a, my dad left a voicemail and email, stressing out that he had booked my brother’s second flight and misspelled the name on the itinerary. Could I fix it? Jesus Christ. I was just in the air for five hours. Get Johnny to call in about HIS own fucking flight!!

Thankfully, when I called my father back, he said he did get Johnny to call, and it was all handled. The next day, my boss told me to work from home to prep the social media debrief/stats from the campaign last week. I worked on it, but all day, I was still feeling so much rage towards my mother. By evening, John could tell I was shutting down. We talked about what was bothering me. I was just so frustrated and mad about her lack of self-sufficiency. I went off on an entire tirade about her foibles. And then John observed that I was applying my own personality traits and strengths onto my mother. He emphasized that just bc these things are within my capacity doesn’t mean they are within hers. Do you think she does this out of malice? Would you be angry with someone who is handicapped? I argued that this isn’t a handicap. She used to be a very smart and accomplished woman. Now she has no survival skills. But she is surviving, he said. Just not the way you think she should.

And then I felt awful. I always say that rhythm is the bane of my existence, but actually I have two banes. Rhythm is definitely one of them. Expectations is the other. Growing up, I constantly struggled with the expectations of my parents, of my extended family (Chinese culture), and of myself. Throughout my life, I have frequently felt not good enough. And in areas where I actually did feel confident, my mother always judged my choices. The irony is that today I realized I have been judging my mother for her choices. And I call myself a feminist. I felt such a strong repulsion, bc I would never select her choices for myself, and I was totally imposing all my values of self-reliance and getting shit done onto her. This was an interesting epiphany, and all last night, I thought about how I’d been so harsh and unforgiving and yes, impatient as she had claimed.

This morning after I settled back in at work, my boss came by to see how I was doing. I said I was doing fine, but that I had had a meltdown with my mother during my trip. And then the tears just started coming. Fucking A. My poor boss. Goddamn, she has had me break down on her now like three times in the last ten days. Who knows what I rambled: mother daughter issues and a lot to do. Blah, blah.

Later this morning, my father called. Grandpa is doing really well. Last night, he ripped out the NG tube, but other than that, in the morning he was able to prop himself up. He also was able to get up with help and use the toilet. I spoke with him on the phone even, and he is responding. I felt so much relief. Then I told my dad that I was glad he delegated the ticket change to my brother. My brother may not execute tasks with the same urgency and approach we do, but it’s still better to delegate where ever possible. Dad can’t do it all. Not now, at 70 years old. I then spoke with my mother and apologized for losing my shit with her. She said she had already forgotten the incident, and that she knows I always do things with good intention. For now, I am letting go of the anger, and I’m trying to practice acceptance… at least until the next blowup!! Haha.