Have you seen this story in the news? People need to mind their own fucking business. The bride loved the dress on her mom and her mom looked lovely. Nothing pisses me off like people who have nothing better to do than troll and hate on others, especially people they don’t even know. Step the fuck off! Ugh. I am disgusted.
Category Archives: Misc
Making Sense of it All
I stumbled across this article today, and it’s a reminder of how little any of us really understand about depression and mental illness. The way this guy speaks of his wife who committed suicide 8 months ago… even in a relationship as old as theirs where there are also kids involved, the confusion and grief and surprise is heartbreaking.
As Van Gundy explained it:
“She took her own life, Dan. I’ll never — I don’t care how long it goes, I can’t imagine that I’ll ever get over that… It was devastating. We’d been married for 35 years and had been together for close to 40 years, since I was 24 years old … my entire adult life, I trace everything, job changes, kids, everything, I was with her and she was by my side.
“I never, ever, envisioned that I was gonna live another day in my life without Kim. Never envisioned that. I knew she was going through a tough time, but I still never envisioned that happening. Even now, it’s been eight months and I struggle to come to grips with the fact that I’m never gonna see her again and I’m trying hard, you can relate to this I’m sure, to stay connected. I don’t want to — my house is full of pictures of Kim. There’s a montage of pictures above my bed that my kids did for me of Kim. I’m trying hard to remember her voice, to remember her smile, all of those things, but more than anything, to live her values, because her values were better than mine.
“She taught me a lot and I want to live her values and a life that she would be proud of. And my kids at times over the last eight months, at times, not often, but I think genuinely from their point I’ll do something and they’ll say, ‘Mom would have really been proud of you for that one.’ That above anything else really makes me feel good, because my wife was an incredible person and the loss is huge.”
Van Gundy said he has been “doing as much therapy as I possibly can” and that he knows he will get better, but when it came to regret, he said “I just don’t think I’ll ever get over it.”
A larger topic was how death has become an unavoidable part of Van Gundy’s life, revealing that his brother Jeff’s best friend had died a week ago due to cancer. He said one thing he’s working on in therapy is how to process what clearly comes across as depression:
“I’ve had very little tragedy in my life until my wife died. Very little, I’ve just been blessed. But as you get older, man, it’s just all around you and it becomes part of you life. It’s one of the things I’m trying to deal with in therapy, besides the loss of my wife, how do I deal with this? Where’s the joy in life? How do you go on day to day? How do you find stuff to do. I can function. I don’t know about you but I can get up and function every day. I do what needs to be done. But I don’t have much that I want to do right now and how do you have that when you’re just seeing tragedy and death and sickness all around you? I know that’s going to be a huge part of my life now.”
My Neighbors
In my business, a lot of colleagues and coaches advise that I get on all the social media neighborhood platforms so that I can become more active, i.e. entrenched in my community.
Unfortunately, I find that participation on the sites/list only serves to piss me off beyond belief. Remember that time I wrote a post about a neighbor complaining on the listserv that someone had trashed their front lawn and dug up all the plants and sod overnight? The person went on an entire tirade, complaining about the cowardice of someone living amongst us having an issue with him, his wife or his dogs and not talking to him about it first. He also threatened to move out of the neighborhood after living here for 20+ years. It was a ridiculous post. Well, here’s another. I mean, these are the people living amongst us. And the writer btw had no qualms tying her name to this post. Um, hello! Newsflash: Street parking is PUBLIC. You don’t own the parking space that is next to your driveway. If you want to park close to our front door, use your own fucking driveway. SMH. I mean, I am a judgey MF. I am ESTJ after all. But even I am appalled by the insane level of presumption.
An Open Letter To The Owner of the Silver BMW i135 Squatting on XYZ Avenue,
Congratulations! You have located the perfect long term parking spot for your car! This spot is free from tree coverage (those pesky trees drop sap and leaves that can potentially damage a paint job! Yikes this should to be avoided at all possible costs) . I can only assume that this location must be convenient to wherever you are going because after your last 3-day extended parking gig ended just a couple days ago – you’ve moved right back into the spot! Ok, now this is a public street and I recognize that individuals can park for 72 hours without moving their car. But you are squatting to avoid parking costs elsewhere while you travel out of town.
Am I psychic? Nope. It’s easy to recognize someone who is using a spot for long term purposes because why else would you use a dashboard sun protector on to protect your dashboard from the damaging impact of the rays of the sun during the rainiest days of the year? Because you are not physically in town. But here you are again – dashboard sun protector and all! (actually I didn’t even notice that you have a BMW branded dashboard sun protector until I posted the pictures of your car! That’s a super special touch).
So here’s the thing, you are parking right in front of my house. I get it, it’s a nice spot… but I have three children with disabilities and their therapists come with to the house nearly every day after school and have to haul their supplies from down the street when you have claimed this prime spot as your designated long-term travel parking spot. Here’s an idea…. park between houses so as not to inconvenience the homeowner who may have need to park or have someone park in front of their home. Come on Pal, I know there are trees, and trees drop leaves and sap but isn’t doing the right thing better than being an inconsiderate (insert your favorite adjective here)? Or maybe you are visiting someone in our neighborhood? We LOVE visitors here in Monta Loma! I wish we had more! Frankly, I believe I can speak for all of my neighbors when I say that I am quite sure that anyone hosting a three night guest would be more than comfortable having you park in front of their home. Or even in their driveway!
But that’s not what is really happening here is it? You are dumping your car for short periods of time so that you don’t have to pay for parking elsewhere. Your continual use of a sun protector in the pouring down rain is the dead give away! I’m guessing you are either from Arizona or have used every single penny you’ve made to save up and lease your bottom of the line BMW and are protecting your investment. And the best part? You are too vain to put a license plate on the front of your car. California Vehicle Code 5200 includes two sections, which state: (a) When two license plates are issued by the department for use upon a vehicle, they shall be attached to the vehicle for which they were issued, one in the front and the other in the rear. Why you may ask when it sullies the appearance of the grill of my not-exactly- a-Tesla vehicle? Well friend, the reason is because having a front license plate allows law enforcement officials to easily identify a car in a hit and run situation. It also identifies cars who illegally go through bridge crossings without paying a toll. (not that you would ever evade paying a charge for a service) Oh and in the Bay Area it can come with a $110 FIx-It ticket and up to $1000 in increase of insurance costs. But whatevs…. someone who is too cheap to pay for parking is unlikely to care about such silly bureaucratic matters.
In the meantime, I’ll make sure than my partner and I move OUR new car out of the driveway so that so that my children’s therapists and helpers can park in the driveway with ease. I know what you are thinking! But there are trees everywhere – why would you risk getting tree sap on YOUR new car’s paint job? I was thinking the exact same thing, but doing the right thing and potentially paying for a car wash trumps being a (again insert your favorite adjective here) any day of the week. Or in this case, any three days of the week.
I realize that you are likely away for an extended period of time like earlier this week and won’t be available to move your car for another three days, but next time park somewhere else so that my children’s therapists can get in and out of the house with their supplies easily.
PS – I would be remiss not to mention that my children are the WORST drivers of bicycles and scooters ever known to live in the neighborhood. We aren’t letting them get a drivers license until they’re 40! Those zany boys tear out of the backyard on their bikes and scooters like wild Irish banshees set on fire and are not accustomed to having a car blocking their getaway route. Personally I wouldn’t want to park here… but not to worry, the kids are all on high alert that the squatter is back in front of the house and have been advised to take extraordinary care when leaving the home!
Back from Hiatus
Geez, I have not posted to the blog in more than two months!?!? This is one of the longest stretches of silence ever! Why? I dunno. In part, I’ve shifted my energies (more) to work. Also, I’ve been using other platforms, e.g. Instagram and Marco Polo. The other truth is, once I go for a long while without blogging, I kind of fall out of sync and like any habit that loses steam, it takes more energy to get back into the groove. I can’t tell you how many times in the last month I’ve been meaning to update, but just knowing my writing/storytelling is rusty after the respite makes me even more hesitant. It’s that perfectionism streak in me I guess. Sometimes I’d rather not do something if it’s not going to be good, you know?
Ultimately though, I do catch myself. And certainly, witnessing my father’s perfectionism always lights a fire under my ass to avoid a similar approach to life. And after reflecting some about my blog, and I’ve decided to redirect some of my energies away from general social media (FB and Insta are such time sinks) and back to writing on Asian American Hustle. I would like this to be a higher priority than just scouring generic feeds and such. I want to keep this outlet going (since 2003!) for as long as I can…
So what’s been occupying my time? Well, August was a great month, namely bc I completed two deals. Yes, I can’t lie: my happiness is directly tied to my work. One set of clients continued to reach out well after the transaction closed (and honestly, I like functioning as a problem solver/resource for my clients), so there was a lot of time-consuming research/negotiation in that arena…. A lot of random things, including ventless dryers, electrical outlets, sprinkler malfunctions, appliance repair, etc. While some agents thought I was going way too far above and beyond my duties, in some sense, I saw this as 1) a way to distinguish myself from other agents who may not be as thorough and as resourceful and 2) an opportunity to continue building rapport bc in a business like this, the ultimate goal is to create what agents call a “raging fan”– someone who is so happy with you and your service that s/he will remain loyal AND recommend you wholeheartedly to others. These clients wrote me my first review on Zillow, and they’ve always expressed gratitude for my work and help.
My other set of clients have been pretty quiet– they’re happy too but pretty busy at work and they have yet to get going full blast on home renovations, much less moving into their new home. It’s not a point of stress though: I worked with the hubby for many years at my govvie job, and we’re friends. They’re excited, and I’m told their review is coming…
I also started testing out some new marketing initiatives. I revisited an old realtor site I’d discovered last year, and they’ve really bulked up their content with a nice selection of marketing materials. I created some door hangers (and got a bite!) and then also created a brochure. Yep, I FINALLY got around to a brochure introducing myself and laying out my “unique value proposition.” We’ll see if it helps me drum up more business.
Meanwhile, I’m still doing open houses and still trying to gain insights from my colleagues at this new office. In September, I was feeling a little frustrated with my open house conversion stats, so I attended an open house training to see what I might be doing wrong. Interestingly, it was helpful talking to the other attendees to get their feedback. You see, a lot of the traditional training says that the goal of open houses is to set appointments. It’s not to gather names and numbers. It’s to set meetings to build rapport and convince buyers to work together. So I asked how many attendees had actually scored appointments. Zero! Why does this matter? Bc I’ve been beating myself up about not setting meetings but no one is. I think it’s still a worthy goal, but it’s not the ONLY goal. And in the end, following up and showing homes is still a method that can yield success. Anyway, it was helpful getting some feedback from other heavy hitters. I feel freshly energized and re-motivated. Gotta wrap the year up strong!
Fine Writing
Wow, this is some seriously good shit.
Charity Wrapped in Dignity
I always found it strange that people would skimp on leaving tip for the hotel room housekeeper; yet whenever they went to a coffee/sandwich shop or even a bar, they’d leave a generous tip for minimum service. To me, it was a gender and race thing: of course the immigrant woman tasked with scrubbing the toilet, changing your sheets, and making your bed would get stiffed while the young hipster barista (oftentimes male) could easily score a handful of dollars just for grabbing a ready-made pastry or pouring a hot drink from a pot. The disconnect always bothered me and I never could articulate why it was so disturbing. Tonight I came across this video, and it captures the essence, I don’t like to use the word “unfair”, bc hello, this is life: it’s never been and will never be fair. That said, I like the concept of charity wrapped in dignity and I hope I can do more of it.
It’s Not About You
From a super young age, I’ve always been judgey. It’s gotten a shit ton better in my older years, but it’s still there. I think it cultivated early on, bc my parents are hypercritical people. They used to always have comments about shit– you know, boatloads and boatloads of (unsolicited) feedback. I think part of it is being Chinese: To succeed in their school system, you have to be competitive and to be competitive, you have to constantly know where you stand among the others. On top of that, my father is also a very straight arrow and he has a very strong compass calibrated to his own sense of right and wrong. People and their life choices (and the consequences) are then judged against that compass. It’s probably not anything that is unique to my father… everyone does this to some extent but he is just more pronounced about it.
So from childhood, I was very attuned to observing others and comparing/contrasting behaviors, qualities, achievements, etc. And more specifically, I was hyperaware of any inconsistencies or hypocrisies. It’s kinda strange bc now as a weathered adult, I feel like hypocrisy is just part of being human.
I may have mentioned this already but over Christmas, when I was home in Maryland, I met up with T, a friend from the second grade through post college. She’s the one with her parents in failing health and she’s the one left having to figure it out (lame brothers unite!)– like where they can get care and how to fucking pay for everything. It’s a nightmare lesson in poor parental planning, to be honest. Anyway, among all her family drama and burdens, she talked a lot about alignment– having her actions align with her beliefs. And a few years ago, I was all up in that shit. In fact, that’s largely what drove me to leave nearly all of my jobs. I just couldn’t stand the misalignment I felt with management and/or the mission. I had this notion that being true to yourself was of utmost importance.
But now I feel differently about things. I mean, sure, I still have a proclivity for the black and white. I want things simple, cut and dry, spelled out down to the t. BUT I dunno. With all the recent news and just grime that I’ve gathered from life, I really wonder now whether alignment (like fairness) is a realistic expectation. Take, for example, the animals. I know about the horrors of the meat/dairy/food industry at large. Yet, I continue to eat meat, drink milk, consume cheese, buy leather… I know about animal testing. And I still buy Covergirl cosmetics bc that’s the only shit that covers my blemishes without giving me breakouts. My younger self would NEVER have forgiven myself for these selfish and insular choices. But my older self? I dunno. I’m beaten down and tired of fighting. I feel like the best I can do is eat less meat or try to eat “organic” meat (even if I know the labeling system is bogus). Is it bc I am in survival mode? Or has life turned me into a nihilist? Maybe a bit of both?
Beyond my self-judgement, my judgeyness of others has also evolved. I used to notice and be annoyed by all the contradictions in people I knew. Like with my dad: how could he be a non-religious, pro-choice OB/GYN who repeatedly voted Republican? Or, even now, how can educated, “smart” people still support Trump? I suppose what I’m coming to learn now is that life just doesn’t make any fucking sense. Why did we ever have the expectation for it to make sense to begin with?
I mean, did you hear about MLK? Such an impassioned orator and advocate– the leader of a fucking important movement. Well, turns out he was a total sex fiend, philanderer, womanizer. His poor wife. That’s what I mean: People we admire, trust, love, and follow. They make choices that are so non sequitor. What about Elon Musk. Innovative, articulate, intelligent. Why is he always dating women just past pubescence? Ok fine, older than that but STILL in their freaking 20s. I mean, am I supposed to believe that the kindred spirit thing transcends so many decades of age for SO many powerful and successful men? Puhleeze. Look, no matter how precocious, I highly doubt that humans are mentally/emotionally mature and developed in their 20s. Just saying. So where am I going with all this?
I notice the discrepancies. But in general, they no longer faze me. If you were to tell me my mailman were a pedophile, I would not even be surprised. So if reality is just laden with treachery and deceit, maybe I just want a break from the incessant surveillance. I mean, I am exhausted by the constant watching. And ultimately, what’s the frickin’ point?
On a more personal note, the inconsistencies used to bug the hell out of me. For example, I had a friend tell me multiple times that I was like a sister to her. Every time my bday would roll around, she’d forget to acknowledge it. Not a huge deal considering my own parents oftentimes forgot. But she would call weeks later and say, “Oh, I don’t celebrate bdays or holidays so I never keep track.” Ok, that’s fine. Then, her sister had a kid. And all of the sudden, every milestone was remembered, and she even hosted a crazy bday bash for the kid when she turned 5. The lesson? Family is always different than friends. No matter what people claim.
Another example? John and I adopted Bentley in January. I have some good friends who have yet to meet him. I get that he’s not a human. He’s not a newborn baby. But if I, as a child-free person, acknowledge the importance of your child… shouldn’t you demonstrate a similar level of respect for my milestone? I’m not all up in a rage about it. I know that life happens. People get busy. I’m not infallible. But these are things I notice. And they bug me. My younger self would be far less forgiving. My older self feels it, is annoyed by it, but what more can I do? People choose their priorities. Life goes on and disappointment abounds.
Hmm, turns out I might actually be onto something with this “sweeping it under the rug” approach. Apparently, when people are chronically late, you shouldn’t take it personally, bc it’s not about you.
Yup, all happy thoughts today. It’s been one of those days. I spent the afternoon checking in on people (potential leads) and not hearing one darn word back. Jesus Christ. Why don’t people have the decency to reply? It can be as simple as, “Thanks but no thanks.” or “Not interested now, but please check back in two months.” Ugh. Time for a break– taking the pups for a walk.
My Hood
Veteran agents keep telling me I need to become more “embedded” in my neighborhood. But shit, I have been jonesing to detach and at a minimum unsubscribe from NextDoor. That platform makes me HATE being a part of this “community.” In other words, my neighbors are batshit cray. And there are multiple batshit crazy ones out there. See below for this stellar example– a message posted ON Thanksgiving, of all fucking days. So someone put bagged shit in your trash bin. Really? You put it on the sidewalk so they can return to claim it? Smh. That is some first rate level of pettiness.
A Sunday Off
My mind is all over the damn place these days. John’s been commenting that I am spending way too many hours of screen time. I agree: it’s just that there is always SOMETHING to research– be it for work, for family, for play, for future, whatever.
As it were, I took this weekend off from doing open houses. Originally, I’d tried to get something scheduled for Sunday but that didn’t happen. Then for Saturday, I had signed up for a house tour up in Orinda to scout out a project done by Connect-Homes, a modular home company based in LA. A year or two ago, John and I had checked out Blu Homes up in Vallejo and found that we loved the design but the price tag seemed very high. So we wanted to gather a different data point from one of the competitors. Interestingly though, looking at the Blu Homes site again now, it seems they have expanded their design options and also come down a bit in price.
Anyway, the reason we’re investigating this is, bc eventually we want to buy land and build a modular home on it. Not sure if it’s for retirement or just investment/vacay, but we’re looking into it. In fact, the idea to have additional property has been on my list for a long while, but now with big strides in faster, greener, more sustainable construction, I’m growing more interested. Then again, you know us: we are research fanatics, and we could very well get into analysis paralysis mode with this (e.g. the dog situation).
As a side note about the dog search: I really do have a growing fear that the next dog just won’t be as good. Like I dunno: what if s/he has anxiety or isn’t sociable or whatever… for some reason, I have a fear of investing energy in this path and then the juice not being worth the squeeze. I mean, I know I have a good track record but you know, just as with Rover: Some dogs I really fall in love with. Others are just there, super aloof, not that engaging… I dunno. I’m sure I’m overthinking all of this as usual…
In other activities, I’m still keeping my eyes peeled for new products and/or ideas to change my life, right? Sadly, the magnetic lashes didn’t pan out for me. My friend M, however, got the accent pair, and they are working out great. What else.
That Realtor life, man. My stuff takes up SO much space. As it were, our garage that was renovated about two years ago was descending into major chaos. John set up his leather shop there and then we were just dumping piles of crap. Last month, I spent some time clearing all the boxes. We also rearranged the wire racks to create aisles with shelves for his leather supplies and my real estate crap. It’s much better but still a constant struggle.
Likewise, my home office space is getting way disorganized, so I’ve been scouring all the furniture sites for ideas on additional storage. I finally settled on Ikea drawers, a small striped colorful rug, and an accent cabinet from Wayfair. The space is coming together but an Ikea run is pending… Yeah, I spent last night measuring for those and today, I drove over there thinking I would get this shit cranked out since I wasn’t working today. Plus, maybe it would be a good way to practice my tolerance/patience. You know, try to be a calm person. Well, before all of that, I had to return a damaged cabinet to Walmart. Not a good start. Then I mentally prepared and got as far as the Ikea parking lot. Shit man. That place was mobbed, so I aborted. Yep, drove there only to abort. So much for tolerance. My rational mind says Monday will be a much smarter time to go.
Fashion-wise: I finally completed my shoe search. That quest succeeded. Earth Shoes, Dr. Scholl’s, Rockport, and Aerosoles for the win. I mean, I add sticky cushions, but good enough.
Foodwise, we are trying to do portion control, so we are trying out Sunbasket. At first, we resisted bc the setup seemed too dumbed down for someone as advanced in the kitchen as Bubbey. But the first week was a good experience: with new flavor pairings and I mean, we went to bed hungry, so I guess it was working. We’ll see what this week brings.
Other things I’ve been researching: doggies. Yeah, even though we concluded that the new year is our new timeline (too much travel until then), I still look at the rescue sites. I am all over the place: puppies to old dogs. Puppies are so stinking cute, but the oldies remind me so much of Remy and Martin. Aged but still so sweet and deserving of a stable home. Pepsi is the latest apple of my eye. I can’t quite bring myself to see any of these dogs in person. I think it would be too tempting. I know, I need to prioritize my time better. Oh well, so far, this has been an enjoyable Sunday!
Double Duty
So one of my big epiphanies while I was in NC helping out my friend N had to do with level of cleanliness. Seriously, I dunno how on Earth I made it to 41 y/o without knowing this, but I’m coming clean now. Good, you caught the pun!
I always thought clothing after some period of time, would eventually just become stained and a bit dingy. Not so much outside clothes, but def like undergarments… you know, like those tank tops I wear under my shirts/blouses or like undershirts (John’s Hanes tees). I figured, after a while, the sweat and periods, not to mention food stains, would just eventually win. And I was totally fine with that. Sometimes John would comment on my undergarments, like, are they supposed to be THAT stained? And I would respond all annoyed, like, You have no fucking idea what it’s like to be a woman. Bleeding outta my body is a messy thing and it’s a pain in the ass so fuck off.
So when I was staying with N and her mom for a week last month, I did glamorous chores like folding laundry, and truthfully, I was shocked and amazed by how clean all their stuff was. WTF, have I been living under a rock this whole time? When I went to do a load of her laundry, N instructed me to put in TWO pods of detergent, not one. I think she told me, bc she knows I come from a family of immigrants where you ration shit to death and use every last drop (e.g. add water to the dish soap bottle and use diluted soap until forever). I mean, yes, we use detergent sparingly, bc we have some fear that the soap will not wash clean and there’s no way I’m wasting water by doing an extra rinse. But anyway, while I was doing N’s biddings, I did as she said and I have to say, the whites were brighter and the other clothes were definitely cleaner. This was a game changer for me.
After I got home, I decided to test this new method out. Two pods. At the same time, John’s sister E turned him on to some new laundry product called Laundress. I also added that supplemental color-free bleach to the load. And holy. crap. This is what clean is!! I know, for my scientific method friends out there (you know who you are), I changed two variables at one time: both the detergent AND the bleach, so to accurately attribute the new level of clean properly, I need to wash with only two pods and then wash another load with one pod + the Laundress. But at the moment, I know the shit gets to a new level of clean with the double whammy. Thankfully, the extra detergent still washes out without a soapy residue. So life is good. Who knew John’s t-shirts could ever get so damn white? And stained undergarments are no longer the norm. Haha, I am always learning new secrets.