Category Archives: Marriage

Breaking Point

Last night was a disaster. The day itself went relatively well. In the morning, I was at ProMatch. We had a guest speaker who provided a ton of metrics about the job search. His strategy? Contact people and withhold the resume. Instead, argue your value, say why you’re a fit, and then end with, “contact me if you think there is potential. I’d be happy to send you my resume then.” The approach is similar to what I’ve read with The Human Workplace column. I’m a huge fan, but sometimes going against convention is easier said than done.

The overarching idea is to be confident about what you can offer and also, to NOT appear desperate. I mean, he’s right: so much of this process has this lame, underlying power dynamic. I’ve discussed it before: this constant wishing and hoping to be cool enough for school. Anyway, I’m glad to be reminded of this alternate approach, and I think I’ll give it a try.

Also, you would not believe: remember the recent interview where I felt like the interviewer was questioning my work ethic because I said I valued work-life balance? Well shit, a few days later, the hiring manager started calling my references, and I am invited to meet next week with the head of university relations, the boss’ boss’ boss. I’m pleased.

In the evening, I was in SF attending a Tech and Philanthropy event. The event was hosted by a tech startup, so of course, the location was some super swanky rooftop terrace with catered appetizers. I chatted with a bunch of people, and I really felt inspired being surrounded by people working to solve society’s ills. I was feeling re-energized and re-affirmed about spending so much of my efforts targeting this area. I collected several cards, and I’ll be following up with those peeps.

After I got home though, things went downhill fast. Earlier in the day, I had received an email out of the blue from Verizon Wireless, stating that my account had been charged $80 this month. As I haven’t been a customer with Verizon since January 2014, I thought the email was spam, but I called to verify just in case. What I thought would be a simple 5-minute call led to a 90-minute debacle. Turns out, we have been charged for iPad data service this whole time. I didn’t receive any email notifications nor paper bills. Yes, I had seen the charge on my credit card for many months: for whatever reason, my brain just chocked it up as mobile service. I dunno. I should have caught it but I didn’t. Expensive mistake. So then I was on the phone for 90 minutes escalating the issue, talking to three reps arguing my case to get a refund for services that I never used. In the end, the most they agreed to do was credit us back half. I remember at the time, as soon as we had switched from Verizon, I lost online access to my account. Then because I was on e-bills, I never got the paper statement… which we needed for T-Mobile to pay the early termination fee. Whatever happened with that? Fell through the cracks also. T-mobile requires paperwork within 60 days of switching. Fuck. It was all too much.

When I think back to that switch, the whole process had so many bad signs. The day we switched to T-mobile, the store people were incompetent. They told us we’d get switched in 20 minutes. It turned into over two hours. They assured us that everything switched over. Now, we realize that just the two phones switched over, NOT the tablet. Then, even though they said our house had good signal, when we got home, it sucked. I had to call and argue with them to ship a signal booster. That worked and then the unit went kaput. I had to get another signal booster. Then Remy started her rapid decline, blah, blah, blah.

So when I finally got into bed last night, I just started crying hysterically. It wasn’t about the lost money. Ok, partly it was. But more than that, it was about all these details and moving parts. I’m supposed to be a great project manager. I’m supposed to be organized. When I was on the phone with T-mobile, the rep said, “All these months, your card was charged $80/month. Why are you discovering this now?” I felt so stupid and incompetent. There was no other explanation other than that I had dropped the ball. I need to own that.

Then I thought about all these things that are not getting done. I don’t cook regular meals. I discovered Marty’s infections about a month or two later than I should have. The garage is still a fucking disaster zone. I haven’t exercised in ages. I have spent zero time monitoring our investment portfolio. Sure, I stepped up at ProMatch, and I started volunteering for the environmental NGO. I’m also wanting to volunteer for the Asian Women’s Shelter. But I have so many new skills I have to learn, so many social impact talks I want to watch, so many books I have to read. I have so many follow-ups I have to do, more networking, more job applications. I suddenly felt overwhelmed. Where is my capacity? No job. No kids. No dependents, and I still can’t get my shit together. Goddamn, I sobbed like a dumbass last night. I just couldn’t stop crying.

Poor Bubbey. It was like 1:30 in the morning, and he was just trying to rest. He was slated to take me to the airport early in the morning for my trip to see G in Seattle. He suggested I take a break. Immediately. Mistakes happen. There’s a lot going on. I’m just doing too much. So I am taking this as an indication to step back and re-evaluate. Yeah, ya think?

Good Food Takes Time

One of my favorite pizza joints in San Mateo has this sign next to the register. It’s worded in a rather impolite, unapologetic kinda tone, basically saying that good food takes time. If you want fast, go elsewhere for that shit.

This weekend, J and I were in Atlanta for my college roommate’s wedding. In undergrad, we were really close. We roomed together for three years, and during the summers away from campus, we wrote each other regularly. She’s the one who showed me how to make my own stationery envelopes out of magazine pages. After college, things changed. She went to med school, then entered residency. She was in the AirForce too, so she moved around every two or thee years. Life was especially hectic and busy for her. Whenever we got a chance to catch up, there were tons of new names, new stories, new travels to keep straight. Her personality seemed to evolve over time too. In college, she was often very last minute and up to the wire. Now, she was an uber planner: shit was plotted meticulously. Perhaps being a physician demanded this.

Throughout the years, she had numerous relationships. She fell in love easily, and this tempestuous and exciting lifestyle seemed quite glamorous to me. But by our early to mid-30s, I could sense that the routine was wearing on her. The dating, the mismatches, the creeps, the jerks, the nice guys who bored her… I felt her frustration, and I myself couldn’t understand the unfairness in all of this. I mean, how was this gem continually being overlooked? She was smart, assertive, self sufficient, funny, warm, fun… why was her love life such a series of misses? The experience exhausted her and sometimes she would take a break, but invariably, she would get back on the wagon and try again with renewed conviction. Maybe these are the moments when you understand that there is no real choice except to move forward. And voila! Two years ago, she met her match. And what a match S is. When you see the two of them together, the chemistry is palpable. They really complement each other well.

When I received the wedding invitation a year or so ago and discovered it was a destination wedding in Atlanta, a part of me hesitated. I wondered whether it would really matter if J and I attended. After all, Y and I had mostly lost touch. With some friends, you lose touch and as soon as you meet again, things are just like old times. With Y, I saw her a few years ago, and while we were certainly comfortable, we never quite recaptured that same level of magic and intimacy that we shared in college. Thinking about why, maybe there were things in the past that were said, things that were done, maybe there were aspects of being roommates for three years that just kind of weakened the relationship. I don’t really know. People change and evolve. Friendships ebb and flow. Regardless, I eventually decided that this event was the culmination of a very long and arduous journey for her. She had finally found love, and I really wanted to celebrate this special day with her.

The party was a huge bash. She’s Puerto Rican. He’s Egyptian. Enough said, right? Friday night, there was a mix and mingle-style dinner at a rooftop restaurant. Saturday night was the ceremony, reception, and dance party. The setting was a swanky hotel downtown, with a terrace nestled among skyscrapers. Awesome. Sunday was brunch. An entire weekend affair. We met her baby boy too, whom she had just birthed four months ago. Monster baby. I mean, I don’t know that much about child development, but last week, I’d just visited my friend, whose baby is 14 months, and Y’s kid is about that size. He looked so heavy hanging in her skinny arms and against her tiny body. But he was very cutely dressed in a tuxedo onesie, and he was impressively well-behaved. There were about 350 guests. We spent most of the evening with our fellow dorm mate, M. Good times.

Now, I’m on the flight home. And I’m thinking about the journey of finding the right person/job/place/anything. I don’t necessarily think work is at the same level of importance as a partner, but it’s still up there. I met a lot of power players at the wedding: ER surgeons. Dentists. Lawyers. Corporates. The comparison game happens like clockwork. Even though I anticipate the reaction and the pitfall, the response is automatic, practically innate. I’m broken, ordinary, lost, unwanted, unskilled, utterly uncompelling. I know these thoughts do not serve me. I know they are self-destructive. But I am overwhelmed, feeling like I am the only person who has not figured out her life, who has not gotten her shit together. I try my best to pick myself up from feeling broken and insufficient. John always kisses me and tells me not to worry. He claims I’m a late bloomer. One day I will shine. I want to believe, but most days, I don’t. Or most days, I do only briefly… and then I don’t.

I think about Y and her decade plus-long journey searching for love. At times, she was exasperated. She had her self-doubts, she questioned what was wrong with her. But in the end, she forged ahead and continued to push for what she wanted. Persistence, faith, and conviction. The pot of gold was there at the end of the rainbow.

Maybe Windy City Pizza is right: good food takes time. If you can’t embrace the process and demonstrate some fucking patience, go eat that frozen Mama Celeste shit. I know, my mind works in bizarro ways. Pizza, marriage, job hunting. It’s all related!

[FAG id=7421]

The Desert Experience

John and I had some SWA credits to burn (thanks Yapta), so we decided to hit Palm Springs in southern California for the weekend. We flew into Ontario airport for the first time ever… I wasn’t really sure what to expect, but as soon as we landed, I knew this was no swanky John Wayne Airport. Ontario is in the middle of “badlands” as John calls it: the surrounding area is very industrial, with lots of distribution warehouses, trucking stations, fuel storage facilities, etc.

We arrived a bit before noon, and the sky was cloudy and overcast. The heat wasn’t too bad really– in the 80s maybe? We climbed into our rental (we got upgraded to the Nissan Maximia– woot, woot!) and started heading east.

The drive to PSP was relatively easy. We started off on 60E, which was just a state route, but damn, it was still 4 lanes wide. Then, we switched over to Interstate 10, a serious highway with lots of slow-bos (old people) and speed demons (young people). Interesting mix of drivers on the road.

Once in town, we hit up Sherman’s Deli and grabbed a table outside next to the misters. We had seen misters before in Arizona… so very deluxe!! Lunch was delicious (John had a Ruben sandwich the size of a volleyball), and then we just walked around some of the shops. The heat was pretty fucking intense, and I could tell looking at John that this was going to be a problem.

After burning up from our walk, we sought refuge at the downtown Hyatt. That’s my MO… I take advantage of fancy hotel lobbies to just chill out, freshen up, use the restroom, etc. Even if I’m not staying there. The Hyatt had a super cool gallery of celeb portraits taken during the Palm Springs Film Festival. The photos were so detailed and well done. I didn’t know PSP had such a big Hollywood connection, but apparently it’s the destination for entertainers.

After we cooled down, we hopped back in the car and drove to our hotel. Yeah, I’d spent several days on and off researching lodging… in the end, I settled on the Holiday Inn Express, and I’m happy with it. You see, boutique spots are the thing in PSP, but I dunno. We just aren’t always fans of the smaller, mom and pop hotels. Plus, some had a nude pool policy that made me nervous. 😛 Oh well, we kinda prefer the consistency of the bigger multinationals.

For dinner, we headed out to Pacifica Seafood in some swanky shopping district alongisde El Paseo. The bar was hopping, and there was even a wait, which we didn’t expect at all. When something finally opened up, it was a table for four. We took our seats, but then we felt a little guilty about the two empty seats, so we did something that we have NEVER done before. And the most significant thing about this is that it was John’s idea. Yeah, I thought it, but I just assumed little unabomber would not be keen. Well, whatyda know? He suggested it, and I moved fast. We invited the couple  behind us in line to join. They agreed. We did brief introductions and handshakes, and then just kind of carried on our own separate conversations, but slowly, we started crossing over, talking to them as well. Long story short, we had a great conversation with the couple from Alberta, Canada. Turns out, the lady used to run her own sales and marketing training/coaching business, and she knows about that leadership guy I follow, John Maxwell!! She and her hubby are both entrepreneurs, so they were also really interested to learn about John and his startup. At the end of everything, they treated us to our dinner!!! I mean, as someone who has NEVER had a stranger buy me a drink or anything, this was huge!! I was thrilled, and really, on top of that, they were just so nice. It was like another “flight with L” moment, you know? Complete strangers meeting in some chance encounter and totally hitting it off! And to have John be in on part of that experience was even better. We swapped contact info, and now I’m connected via LinkedIn too. And I told them to buzz us anytime they were in the Bay Area, and of course, Alberta is on my travel list, so I plan on buzzing them once I finally make it to Calgary and Banff. 🙂 Afterwards, on our drive home, John commented that I got such a high from the evening. He could see I was beaming, as if somehow my faith in humanity was restored. How right he is. I really do love when shit like that happens.

The rest of the trip was short and fast but good. We got up early on Saturday morning to hit up Joshua Tree National Park. Holy crap, that desert heat is something else. We did a short little 1.5-mile hike on the Hidden Valley Trail, and afterwards, we were so beat. We did a little bit of exploring, spent a morning at the hotel pool, and also started our couple’s “visionquest.” Yeah, I had some worksheets to help prompt us to think about our values and our future. It was a touchy exercise– John really doesn’t like to think about such things, but we made a little bit of progress, and he was a good sport. It’s just an ongoing process… First thing’s first though: we need to definitely start re-introducing activities that bring us joy into our daily lives. Bottom line.

We flew out Sunday evening after an entire day in the heat. Seriously, the temp hit 90 by 10 a.m. By lunch time, I’d been downing bucketloads of water, but I started getting all lightheaded over lunch, like I had trouble holding a conversation with Bubbey (mild heat stroke maybe??). We had to hit the mall so I could cool off. It’s pretty funny though, because we started off the day thinking, yeah, we could definitely live here: it’s so clean and manicured, and everyone has a frickin’ pool. But shit, by the end of Sunday, we were ready to eject and be back in the Silicon Valley bubble. Wow man, 108 deg is just too damn hot. For realz. Maybe next time we ought to try PSP in the winter.

[FAG id=7415]

Bad Vibes

I am feeling so frustrated today. Last night, I was feeling negative vibes coming on, and I thought maybe today would just be a rest day. But then I got up this morning thinking that I should stop feeling so damn sorry for myself.

Honestly, I dunno what the hell happened. I was just in NC for two weeks, where I had a great time hanging with N, learning tons at Duke, and making new friends. I was feeling energized like I had a path forward. And then, I guess I didn’t hear back regarding a few info interview requests; I didn’t get bites (yet) for a few job apps; and I can’t seem to connect with anyone here again. Busy, busy and next thing I know, Marty is really my only companion these days.

My birthday came and went… and while I got lots of notes and messages, I didn’t get any cards… well, namely from Bubbey. Before I had left, he asked if I wanted to do a party or whatever. I just felt like it was too much work. Then, he’s been working crazy hours on a programming project. Really major hours. But still, I was really disappointed not to find a card in my suitcase or on the nightstand after I got home… it just made me feel really sad. I try not to be a demanding spouse, and I’m trying to be understanding with his job, but I’m bummed about it! And since I’ve been back, I have mentioned it a few times. Three days later, and still no card. Again, I chastise myself for having the expectations– even if I feel they are small ones. Remember how Bubbey said it was a totally bad idea to bring up “lack of attention or effort” to my friend? Well, maybe this is a similar case: I’m doing my best. So fine, I have to try not to care about the silly card.

Meanwhile, I’m trying to seek companionship and consistency and reliability elsewhere. Maybe from some of my newer friends, like S from the Duke class. She’s flying up from San Diego to be a camp counselor for the Children’s Skin Disease Foundation in Livermore next week, so I’m going to go visit. On Sunday, my friend B made a deal with the hubby to watch the kids, so we’re gonna go all out crazy. Cougar crazy. Haha, just kidding.

Interestingly, my friend J, whose long silence really upset me, texted a message asking if we were on emailing/speaking terms. Weird, right? That’s why I feel like he is actually a super sensitive person… not meaning thoughtful of me but just that he DOES have an awareness of situations, that things are different from before, you know what I mean? On the advice of others, I had just let that one go… I was getting busier and busier, and I guess I made a conscious decision not to prioritize there. It sounds like he is still super overwhelmed with fatherhood and work. I always feel such a strong pull to solve my friends’ problems. But I dunno. I’m feeling a little at the end of the string myself these days, so maybe I just have to conserve energy and refocus.

While I was out in NC, I received a text from my plane friend, L. He said he hadn’t heard from me in a while, and he just wanted to make sure everything was ok. Such a sweet gesture. I don’t mean to gush, but this guy is just my kinda person. During my layover in Dallas, I sent him a quick email telling him about the Duke program and that I was finally scheduled to meet with his friend, a high-powered female executive whom he thought I should contact, and the dude replied in like two hours. And he always replies that promptly. I know, I’m so damn particular, aren’t I? In my defense, I’ll bet other people are just as particular but about other things, and they just don’t write about it on a public blog. Haha. Oh well. This makes me think of a term one of the teachers used in the class last week: Homophily. We are drawn to people who are like ourselves.

I busted out my rollerblades for the first time in two years today. I was trying to work off my frustration. It didn’t really help since I’m writing my little tell-all right now. 🙂

Yesterday, I went to the job training center in Sunnyvale. A friend had recommended the place saying that I was doing all the right things on my job hunt, but maybe the advisors could help me tweak my resume a bit more for the area market. So fine. Sat in on an orientation and a resume class. Apparently, employers spend LESS THAN 30 secs per resume, so it’s not really an opportunity to be creative. It’s just 1, 2, 3, done. So that’s annoying. And same with the cover letters. I read the samples from the class and honestly, I thought they were lame. Sterile even, but whatever. Guess I should listen to the experts. So today, I reworked my resume, and I have an appointment tomorrow with the advisor.

Meanwhile, I’m still handling contracts and scheduling for the ranch. It’s fine, but now I’m really using it as experience. So far, because of my new contracts,I’ve brought in 100 new kids to the ranch. Ironically, I myself haven’t been riding since March. Maybe the cowgirl is no longer in me.

Trade Secrets

So John and I have been talking lately about doing something different. We’ve been in the Bay Area now for nearly eight years… the longest we’ve ever been in any given area in our adult lives. I think Silicon Valley is wearing on us a bit: the hype, the pace, the constant hustle. So we’re brainstorming some other options… I mean, I’ve been spending a lot of these last several months thinking about how to live life, what to spend my time doing, etc. I feel like I am “on to something” again, with this path that combines communications, web, project management, relationship/partnership-building, problem-solving, and social good, but I’ll have to see how all of this materializes.

I’m trying not to overthink everything as I typically do; instead, I’m trying to savor the moment and really take pleasure in the journey… that’s hard for me to do, but I’m trying. Today, we took a day trip up to Sonoma. It was really a spur-of-the-moment thing, so I didn’t get to plan to the extent that I normally would have, but we had a nice day. We walked around the square, had lunch at the Girl and the Fig, got some cheese and crackers later and sat outside. The traffic going north on our way home was insane, and it just reminded me again about all these people, subjecting themselves to some ridiculous commute. I mean, for us, we were blazing through in the carpool lane, but on the other side of the median, traffic was not moving at. all. Why do people live like this? Is it the story of sacrifice? of building character and strength through hardship? or is it really just about acceptance because that’s what society so often teaches us… this is what and how life is supposed to be: this is what everyone else does.

In the drive up to Sonoma this morning, I was very quiet in the car. My mind was just going 100 mph thinking about more ways to hustle, more ways to chase leads, how I was going to work to live a different life for ourselves. I was kinda stressing internally, and I was drafting “hustle” letters in the car, starting to get carsick. I could feel a headache coming on. And then, I received a Yapta alert. Yapta is a website that tracks airfare changes. Whenever I buy airfare, I then input the details of my flight purchase, and Yapta tracks changes in the price. For some airlines, you are eligible for flight credits when the airfare dips below what you paid; other airlines charge a min $75 or $150 change fee (so the price has to dip more than that to make the change worthwhile). Long story short, we’re flying to Atlanta in September for my college roommate’s wedding. The fares dropped about 20% today, so I received the alert and then subsequently (meaning in the car), I went to the Southwest site to “modify” my flight (re-book the same itinerary) at the lower rates. Now I have over $200 in credits that I can apply to air travel somewhere else!! Pretty sweet, right? Sorry to ramble about all of this, but the point is, I was in an intense zone in the car, and then this Yapta alert really made my day. And I was super proud too, because Yapta actually doesn’t track Southwest flights, but I figured out a way to “game” the system. You see, Yapta does track AirTran and since Airtran and Southwest are now merged, I set up an “indicator” itinerary using codeshared or similar AirTran flights for the same travel dates as my Atlanta itinerary on Southwest. My assumption was: if AirTrain fares go down, so will Southwest fares because they are now under the same company. Needless to say, my hypothesis tested positive, and I scored my credits. Yippee!! And btw, Yapta has saved me several hundred dollars. I’ve already cashed in on fare drops at least four times!! I find it works best for JetBlue, Alaska Air, and AirTran/Southwest. For the other airlines, the change fees mean that the fare has to drop pretty damn substantially… Interestingly, there is now a similar site (Tingo) for hotel rates, but I have yet to use it. Tingo requires that you book through them directly in order for them to start tracking the reservation. Anyway, that’s secret #1 that I’m sharing oh so generously with you today. 😉

Secret #2? So we were in Sonoma driving around, and suddenly John had to use the bathroom. We were trying to find a place to stop, buy a drink, and use the restroom, but we were in that part of town where all the shops were really small and kind of junky. Then I suggested we drop by our old fav: the Fairmont Sonoma Mission Inn. Love that place. So we parked, strolled on up into the lobby like we owned the damn place, used the restrooms, washed our hands with the fancy apricot soap, dried our hands with the cloth towels, slathered on the hand lotion, and then chilled out on the couches. I actually would have eagerly gotten a glass of wine, but no one was running the bar. Oh well. It was the perfect little pitstop: so roomy and posh and clean. I probably would have enjoyed spending some minutes cozying up in the Adirondack chairs on the manicured lawn, but off we went. John commented that my idea was a great scam, but wtf, am I really “scamming” them? I mean I have patroned the place three times before, plus I talk that shit up to all my peeps… whatever. I just don’t like being called a scammer. I’m just sharing a secret, if you will. That’s my story anyhow, and I’m sticking to it. Incidentally, this is a good reminder for me to book another pool day there using their good neighbor promo (kudos to G for turning me on to that secret!).

Mountain Escape

For our anniversary, I took Bubbey and Martin to the mountains of Yosemite. I’d found a Living Social dealio of course, so we got two nights at the Yosemite View Lodge, right outside the park. My friend T had recommended the place before for its location right on the Merced River, so when I saw the deal, I figured I could get it without conducting my usual thorough due diligence. The great thing also, was that Martin was able to come along. He hasn’t really been left alone overnight since Remy passed, so…

Anyway, the Lodge was a huge complex with multiple buildings and an entire campus, but the size was nice enough that we were tucked away in the corner and you know, pretty much just left alone. We drove up after work on Friday and stopped in at a local restaurant/diner in Merced. Bubbey got one of his favs: chicken fried steak. I don’t remember what I got: the food was greasy and tasty. The weather was pretty chilly though. When we checked in, the front desk apologized for the rain and snow (say what??). I guess the end of April is still kinda winter season or whatever, but we didn’t mind. There was some dusting on the ground Saturday morning, but we appreciated the park being less crowded. We drove through the park, checked out the swanky Ahwahnee Hotel for the first time. So nice, although lunch was just so-so. For our special anniversary dinner that night, we ordered take out pizza from the hotel pizza shop and cracked open a bottle of wine. Haha, we’re easy.

On Sunday, we got up early and did a nice, long hike to Mirror Lake. Yeah, like 5 miles round trip. We have a lot of hiker friends, so we knew we couldn’t hit Yosemite without clocking in a legit hike. Yup, check it off the list, baby. Oh and the day before, we saw a bobcat on the trail to Lower Yosemite Falls. He kept walking on the wooden path, so we had no choice but to follow (like real dumbasses). It was pretty cool to encounter wildlife up close. Check out our pics. Full set on Flickr. Yosemite is gorgeous!!

[FAG id=7405]

Off the Wagon

Yeah, this has been a trying week. I haven’t been sleeping well again: Bubbey’s snoring has hit an all-time high these days, so I sleep on my CB2 daybed now in my office. Even when he wears the nose strips, it doesn’t help. When I reflect back to this past month, I feel so discouraged about the lost time… like already, almost another month has come and gone. In March, I was feeling so awesome: I had been doing that 7-minute workout, I was getting my energy back, I was ramping up with my coaching sessions and professional developments and networking, I was doing stuff with friends… Then, Remy started having issues again, John went home for a week, came back, and bam, she was gone.

Sure, I had visitors and whatever to distract me and keep me from crying in bed all day, but shit, no matter how you slice it, I’m officially off the wagon… off ALL wagons. I haven’t been to the ranch since god knows when. No 7-minute workout. No spinach smoothie diet. No ukulele. No committed meditation practice. No yoga. No nothing. I even stopped my weekly coaching sessions. I mean, all facets are just stopped.

I try to rationalize all this loss of momentum. Sure, the loss of Remy is massive. Three weeks later, and I’m still crying at the drop of a fucking dime. I had a job interview this afternoon with an area city. It was an interesting experience– pretty sterile and hyper-procedural to be honest, but whatever. I went to the mall after that, and had myself a bit of retail therapy, and then in the car on the drive home? Tears. Later this evening, I go soak in the hot tub. More tears.

I dunno what I expected in terms of where I would be by now… I mean, I’d always dreaded her passing, anticipating with fair certainty that I was going to be a disaster afterwards. And then I thought I handled it relatively well when the time finally came, but now I find myself wondering when will I truly get back to normalcy? Am I demanding too much of myself? But I mean, what happens to people who have to still show up at a job and shit? I dunno. Sometimes, my mind is just unrelenting, you know? If I’m not obsessing over what’s wrong with me, I’m obsessing over external factors, other things in the world that I cannot control.

Recently whenever I’ve looked at myself in the mirror, I see such a tired and aged face. My skin texture is better (thanks to the acne brush on my Clarisonic), but damn, my eyes or something just look frickin’ haggard. What the hell???? And my arms are flabby again. When I tried on a bunch of sleeveless tops today at the mall, shit was squishing out the sides. WTF. I know, I’m doing it again: the goddamn nitpicking. Argh, have I learned nothing from all those positive psychology classes and readings? Don’t expend the energy on the self criticism and blame: get back on the damn wagon! Yeah, that 7-minute workout. Such a minimal time commitment, and it really got so much easier after I started doing it consistently. Well that’s all down the drain. I have not picked it up again since Pamela left the day after Remy died.

Argh. Maybe tomorrow. Mind over body. Mind over body. I’m so tired and unmotivated, like I need a boost from somewhere, something, I dunno what exactly. I just don’t know. I suppose that’s what signals a funk, right? Some nebulous malaise and lethargy with no real answers. I feel myself slipping in a fits and spurts kind of way: two steps forward, three steps back kind of thing.

This weekend, John and I are celebrating our 11th wedding anniversary in Yosemite. We’re taking Martin along. Remy was with us for all the other anniversaries. Sometimes, John would even have the pups “sign” my card. But she’s gone now. She really is gone.

Running on Empty

I know. These last several posts, I’ve only obsessed about how exhausted I’ve been from hustling so hard. Today’s post isn’t about me. Refreshingly. It’s about my friends who are parents to young children. Yes, multiple ones all under 5 years of age. You see, I had lunch the other day with a friend who popped her second kid four months ago. Prior to our meet up, she dropped me a line out of the blue, and I could just tell that she was maxed out. The sense I get is that parenthood, at least in the beginning, isolates people. Their entire social life shuts down, and life boils down to basic survival. I know, it sounds like hyperbole, but this is a theme that just keeps coming up. Massive sleep deprivation and back to basics level of functionality. Friends, fun, entertainment, a night out, a rock concert? Gone. Done. Sure, it’s a trade off– for just a “season” but dayum, these people are running on empty.

When I went over to my friend’s house earlier this week, she looked fine, but when I sat down and talked with her, I could see her absolute frustration. Baby no. 2 was not a good sleeper. He had acid reflux, and she was getting up every two hours. She said every night, at the end of the day, she just longed to sit there alone to not think of anything. She says it’s just a short period where she doesn’t have to think of the next thing to do… it’s almost like a time of pause to mentally rest. And then the night begins (with the wakeups), and everything repeats the next day. I’ve heard a few people now describe this…

She was telling me how hard all of this is. Last weekend, the family went to visit a relative. When they arrived at the apartment complex, the older kid suddenly decided to throw an earth-shattering tantrum right outside in the parking lot. She described 20 minutes of complete chaos, of uncontrolled screaming, and she was simply beside herself on why he was doing this. The neighbors all came outside to see what was going on… there were no words to even explain.

Today, a FB friend posted this piece about parenting: I suppose the answer is to cut yourself a break or two, try to preserve a sense of self, maintain a program of self care and marriage care. Sounds so complicated, especially if you’re just surviving day to day. And what if you don’t have access to childcare that you trust? I don’t know what the real solution is here. I just feel like my parent friends need to get out more often. They sound pretty beaten down.

Btw, this was an interesting read on relationships/marriage, also discovered via FB. I dunno about Tip #12… sounds a bit animalistic to me, but the other advice sound pretty solid.

Busted (Again)

I’ve had my wedding ring for a very long time. And because of my poor track record (one time, I actually found my wedding ring in the garbage can!!), I try as much as possible to just keep the thing on my finger. That includes when I play sports, when I go rollerblading, when I go horseback riding, when I go swimming/hot tubbing, when I’m cooking or cleaning…

So today, while I was having lunch at my friend’s house, I looked down, twirled my ring around my finger, and bam! I noticed one of the small pave diamonds was gone. Shit. The last time I busted stones out of this thing, it was after I had spent 12 hours assembling a monster office desk from Staples. In the final step of assembly, John and I lifted the table top + hutch combo (SUPER HEAVY) to set it onto the leg supports. Because the damn thing was so f-ing heavy, I set it down misaligned and in a split second, all the weight crushed onto my fingers (and ring). My perfectly round ring got totally bent out of shape (it looked like the state of Ohio after that), and I lost 3 or so of the accent diamonds. Ugh.

So now, about 11 years after first receiving this precious bauble and 7 years after that first accident, now I have to get it fixed again. And sadly, my ring is all dirty from neglect. All those soaps and lotions sure add up. Yes, I will have to clean it before I hand it over to the experts. Kinda like how my friends pre-clean their houses before the cleaning lady comes…

I do love my ring. I remember how I was totally drawn to all those super simple, blocky, modern designs in the beginning…  oddly though, when I tried those on in the stores, they looked awful– totally mismatched for my hand.  This ring was uber sparkly and kinda princessy. I really didn’t want to like it. But when I put it on, it just made my hand look so long and slender and beautiful… like the hand of a hand model (Sigh! The profession that got away!) .

I really should take better care of my ring. This is a good reminder. Maybe I’ll add monthly cleanings/brushings to my Google cal. 😉

Losing My Shit

So I reached my “30 days of meditation” milestone this week, and no sooner than creating this new habit do I nearly lose my shit today. For reals. All day, John was just in a weird mood. Wishy washy, I couldn’t hear him, he was going to get his haircut then he was going to go to the gym. None of it happened. I guess neither one of us wanted to make decisions today.

To his credit, he did pick a place for lunch. Interestingly, while we were there, service was super slow and then suddenly, we heard all this glass crashing in the kitchen and a waitress started yelling at this guy. “Fuck you , fuck you, fuck you!” As she headed for the door, she threw something else on the ground, threw the menus all over… it was quite the scene. I know, foreshadowing right? This was a new place for us too: the eggs bennies were great, but the famed blueberry banana pancakes were disappointing.

Afterwards, we walked around and then when we got home, John crashed on the couch. For like 3 hours. I know he had a long week, so fine, whatever. I don’t care: I did some work (read an RFP) and watched a movie (Ex-Girlfriends, which was lame). When he woke up, he wanted to go for a walk and then just as we were nearly out the door, I discovered the pineapple had rotted through onto my tablecloth. So I grabbed a wet rag and detergent and started wiping. Yes, a little OCD but an added 2 minutes tops. We went to the park with the dogs and then when I got home again, I started thinking about cooking dinner. And everything I asked him, the answer was “I don’t know.” Then he went out for a walk. Wtf is his problem??? I was pissed. So I just started madly making shit: Looked up “lentil pressure cooker” and then just executed on the butternut squash black bean enchilada recipe in front of me. Maybe we were just mismatched with our activities that we wanted to do today. I dunno, but his going for a walk got me fuming. And then as I prepped and threw shit into the pressure cooker, I managed to knock the lid off which in turn crashed a full glass of water onto the floor. Just my luck, the glass shattered into a gabillion fucking pieces. And with the dogs, I had to get that shit cleaned up immediately. Ugh. A ton of paper towels later and then lugging that damn Dyson into every little crevice… I just was not in the mood.

The thing is, when I ask a question, please give me a clear, audible response. If a decision cannot be made at that time, then TELL ME that AND tell me to make all the decisions for the next 2 hours or whatever. I can’t hear over the goddamn muttering.

That’s fine. I can make decisions but next time, you had better fucking take over. I don’t live alone, I don’t have the luxury of thinking ONLY of myself, so fucking participate in the partnership and share the decision-making responsibilities, you know?

I’m super frustrated today. Another recent example: the Harvest Festival is this weekend. I was going to go this weekend. He was ok to go, but didn’t seem excited or anything. This morning, a friend texted to do something, so I asked if he wanted to go to the Festival with me or if I should go with my friend. He replied that he could go with me, but if I want to go with my friend, that’s ok too. Um, I just want to know if you WANT to go. If yes, then I will go with you. If no, then I will go with my friend. I know you COULD go. Jesus Christ. Don’t give me this indecisive, I could go either way bullshit. I hate that. And this is a frustration I have with friends too. When deciding what to do with them, I almost always give three choices. I fucking narrowed it down to three, now just decide from that shortlist, you know? Argh!! But no, people will just dilly dally around, pushing the decision back and forth, back and forth. Fucking drives me insane. It’s like, if you want me to decide, then YOU give me three options. It’s called balanced engagement and participation.

Yeah, clearly I am in a bad mood today. And oddly, this is the first time in probably a month even that I am cranky as hell. Stay away if you know what’s good for you.