Category Archives: Marriage

Recent Epiphanies

I admit: every time I see J’s sister S, I admire so many of her qualities. She makes me wish I were mentally tougher, more extroverted, more professionally accomplished, more high powered, more fashionable and stylish. I aspire to be better, but at the same time, I realize that I still need to work within my own constraints. Like I can try to be more outgoing and I can work on dressing better, etc., but it’s highly unlikely I’ll start shopping at super deluxe Hermes or Prada or wherever. Sometimes I get frustrated when I feel like Bubs is pressuring me to move more in the direction of his sisters. It’s just too far beyond the boundaries of who I am… It would be like me expecting them to get excited about recycling/reuse/waste reduction or to consider living in a tiny home/shipping container home and aim for the 100 Items Challenge… Anyway, I’ve just been thinking a lot lately about judgement, acceptance, and shame. In the past, I’ve let other people’s success make me feel happy for them but also simultaneously feel worthless about myself. Hearing about S’s high stakes/high rewards career, hitting big corporate numbers, earning hefty bonuses, and flying on corporate jets… I very quickly feel lame: working/leaving my low-wage jobs and now studying real estate. I think of all that my parents invested in me to be successful and I swear I fight this feeling of disappointment and failure every fucking day. Still, I’m trying to stay focused on swimming in my own lane and keeping my head above water. I have become more aware now of shame and how it impedes me.

In a similar vein, I remember how before, even for simple interactions, if I was curious or wanted to know more about a product or process, I would just keep quiet, for fear of appearing dumb or coming across like I was bothering or inconveniencing others. But recently, I’ve realized there’s a way to ask about something with interest and curiosity and without coming across like an entitled ass. So now I’m trying this new thing where if I have unsettled thoughts or unanswered questions, I’m trying to verbalize my concerns rather than internalize them. Like with Martin and the new dog sitter: I hemmed and hawed about asking her for a reference with whom I could speak on the phone. The sitter already had multiple written/posted reviews, but after reading about how reviews for some services like AirBnb can’t really be trusted I really wanted to hear a client’s voice and just listen for other hesitations that wouldn’t necessarily come across in a written review. Also, she had received one scathing negative review. Normally, I wouldn’t have brought it up bc maybe it was too confrontational. But I did. The sitter was super fine and accommodating with both my requests, and honestly, I felt even better about her after seeing how she handled them. Long story short: I recently vowed not to let shame or fear of embarrassment/judgement keep me from asking questions and from learning more. The next time a contractor comes to the house to talk HVAC, no holds barred. Another shift for me now that I’m older and wiser at 40 (close enough anyway). 🙂

Keeping the Household Humming

Some days, I get the sense that Bubs thinks I’m just sitting around twiddling my thumbs and shopping all day online. Admittedly, I am a superstar “researcher” but shit, there’s more to keeping the household humming than just clicking around online. Admittedly, we’ve been on a bit of a spending spree these last several months… What’s that saying, “Happy wife, happy life.” For me, I just want Bubs to be happy. Sounds simple enough, but it’s no small feat for someone prone to depression and negative thinking (actually, both of us!). Bubs works really hard, so whenever he makes a comment or complaint or whatever, I try to be attentive. I’m not trying to be the subservient wife or anything, but he’s my companion and I want to do whatever I can to help create our “best life” together. Ugh, I know. Enough with those fucking Tony Robbins terms. Sorry, not sorry.

Certainly, after I left my job, the first orders of business involved multiple home projects related to the garage and re-organization. But then, Bubbey was frustrated with our disorganized, limited closets, so we got TCS elfa installed. Bubbey said eating out wasn’t good for our diets, so I started cooking more at home, really hustling to have dinner ready when he stepped in the door. Then Bubbey hated our old sofa, so I researched and found a deep-seated sectional. Then, he lamented that we kept postponing our Europe trip and the years were flying by, so I booked that trip (award miles, baby!). Then, he wanted to install ductless heating/cooling to the house, so I’ve scheduled free estimates with two contractors. Then, he said looking at the dead grass (I killed our lawn bc of the drought, and Bubbey loves a green lawn!!) annoyed him, so I took on Operation Front Yard, laying out a plan, researching plants, and directing the gardeners. Yes, I know. I am oozing privilege here bc 1) I have the funds for all these projects and 2) I actually have gardeners instead of having to till the soil and plant the plants myself… Of course, in all these cases, I benefit too bc we have built a life together. And I get satisfaction from being useful and productive. Still, sometimes I get tired of trying to meet every need with minimal acknowledgement. And ultimately, I wonder. Will he ever be happy? Will WE ever be happy? Are we just a couple of malcontents who will never look up despite how much we have and how lucky we are? The theme of “not good enough” surfaces again, and I think of how throughout my life, I have nearly killed myself over this idea of not meeting the standards/expectations, whether they are set by my parents, my family, Bubbey, or myself.

Last week, I started obsessing over my physical imperfections. Honestly, I think the nitpicking was part of a bigger problem of just feeling out of control, esp with the uncertainty of my father’s health. But I’ve always hated my smile. I never show teeth, and even after I got braces taken off in college and I had a straight smile, I hated showing teeth. Now, I noticed that my two front teeth are crooked again. I was so good about wearing that damn retainer for years after brace, but I stopped by the time I was 30. And it shows. I leaned in closer to the mirror and noticed so many pock marks on my nose. That damn nose. It’s been the bane of my existence since forever. After decades of cystic acne, it’s scarred and misshapen. I know these are superficial things, but they are starting to bug me more now than ever. Am I getting greedy? I always think back to my days of youth when I truly believed only two things were required for happiness: 1) a dog 2) no more acne. Remember how I told the universe I would stop complaining if those wishes were answered? Well, look at me now. SMH.

Being the researcher that I am, I figured there’s no harm in gathering information. So I Yelped a few places, and yesterday I went to see an orthodontist. Turns out, J’s dental insurance doesn’t cover ortho at all. Again, it’s just my two front teeth! I’m good with everything else. Well, what could I expect: Orthos are perfectionists too. Long story short, the proposed treatment isn’t just working on those two teeth: no, it’s an entire 18-month long plan with both top and bottom realignments bc my entire line of teeth have to be pushed out to a wider semicircle to create more space for the two front teeth! Fucking A. 18 months of wearing Invisalign for 20-22 hrs/day. And the real kicker? Fucking $8,000!!! Oh, hell no. So I got home all disheartened. I mean, I’m no dentist but can’t they just shave down the front teeth and cap them with veneers? So now I’m going to see a cosmetic dentist next week to ask about some combo of shaving/bonding/veneers to see if we can arrive at a better solution.

Meanwhile, I went to the derm last week for my nose and wtf, the dude hardly had anything to say. He suspects what happened was that the cystic acne deformed my oil glands and pores hence the bumpiness on my nose. Usually, I thought derms could talk laser treatments and resurfacing. Nope, homeboy just wanted me to see a cosmetic surgeon. He said maybe Fraxel could resolve this, but he didn’t even know. Well, shit. Now I blew my one free doctor visit per year on a useless visit. The place he recommended didn’t get good reviews, so now I’m going to check out a skin spa. Ugh, fucking no progress. Maybe if I tackle at least one of the two deformities, I’ll feel better. Then again, maybe I’ll just find a third imperfection to obsess over… Sigh. Some days I exhaust myself.

 

Kobayashi

Word on the street is The House of Prime Rib typically books out months in advance. Thankfully, I somehow managed to score reservations for the day AFTER Bubbey’s bday. We’d only gone once before and that was years ago… We went with our friends, and goddamn, it felt so fricking pricey. Now that we’re old folks though, I was looking at the menu (Of course, I researched the shit out of that too: did you know there’s a secret menu?!?), and the prices didn’t seem shocking at all. Chock it up to living in the Bay Area! All told, including drinks, about $60 pp. Not bad for super high end all-you-can-eat beef plus all the sides, right? Granted, earlier I was researching Michelin-starred places like Chez TJ in Mountain View and Manresa in Los Gatos. Fuck man, we’re talking several Benjamins per person!! Thankfully, Bubbey told me he’s not as into the uber swanky restaurants like he used to be. Haha, I say it’s bc his current company is a bunch of fresh PhD grads, so being surrounded by all those former students (with this being their first jobs out) brings down the standards. I was reminded of my grad school days when I was making furniture out of giveaway plastic milk crates and cardboard boxes (a medicine cabinet, an end table, and Remy’s perched doggie bed) from the Publix supermarket. Anyway, HOPR did not disappoint, and man, that place was packed!!! Bubbey was making fun of me bc all the Asian diners there were leaving with bags and bags of leftovers, so he said I was feeling pressured to “play my game.” I def ordered seconds and ate it. The waitress was impressed. Oh yeah lady, I can be a real Kobayashi when I want to be… I ate nearly every round, from the starting sourdough bread, to the dressing-drenched salad and the juice-soaked Yorkshire pudding (more bread), plus all my mashed potatoes and creamed spinach, and my whole plate of meat. And then I got another plate of the “end piece,” which I had learned from the secret menu. Tasty but surprisingly a little too dry for me (Next time I’d stick to the original English cut!). In the end, we only left with ONE bag of food– Bubbey’s baked potato. Yeah, I was kinda bummed not to maximize for some additional meals at home, but Bubbey gets his way on his bday. All in all, we had a great celebration week.

Big Bday

Bubs turned 40 this week. We always say that we’re so old and have been together so long, that we’ve run out of gifts to buy, so let’s just focus on experiences… and then last minute, we think of things to buy! This year, with the completion of the garage cabinets and general household organization, Bubs mentioned getting a tool chest. I enlisted the expertise of K’s beau D (a certified builder of many things) and whatdya know, he pointed me to a very affordable heavy-duty system. After a couple of hours of price checking, reading reviews, and conducting my usual overkill on product research, I was ready to buy and deliver. Goddamn, Amazon Prime’s got me spoiled! I gotta wait until mid March? Nope, not gonna work. So then, I decided to pick that shit up in store. Well, not sure if you’ve noticed, but Sears stores are few and far between. Next, check stock. The only store with stock for immediate pickup? 30 minutes away in SJ. Not terribly far but still some distance. My mistake? I foolishly thought that I could fit a set of rolling drawers + a top tool chest in a 4-door sedan. Mind you, I showed up and the guy looked at me like I was totally insane. But you know me: VG is a persistent beotch. “Maybe if I move the passenger seat or we take it out of the box…” After a few minutes of my shenanigans, we got the top chest into the front of my car. No luck with the rolling drawers.

Thank goodness for friends with trucks, man! After lamenting my issue, K immediately enlisted the help of D, who promptly agreed to pick up the drawers and deliver them to my house that night!! Damn, these people move fast! By 9p, we had the whole system set up in the garage! Thanks K+D!! Granted, I specifically bought the system that only required assembling the cart handle and the wheels (The Seville brand systems require like 3 hrs. of assembly!). And of course Bubs and I don’t read instructions, so we installed the wheels without first putting on the flanges. Duh. One of these days, we’ll learn. I think Bubs is pretty happy, and I’m pleased too: went through Upromise AND got both items on major sale. Hee, hee.

So his bday has quietly been a multi-day celebration. The day before, he got his tool chest. The day of, his Timberland chukkas arrived just in time (thank goodness for Amazon free shipping/returns!). I’ve been trying to get him to like Timberland shoes for years, and he finally warmed up to them. For dinner, I bought a pricey hunk of USDA prime steak (Thanks M for treating us to Schaub’s!!) and paired that with scallops for my home version of “Surf and Turf.” The sear on the scallops wasn’t very good bc I used a nonstick instead of cast iron, but the NuWave did a pretty awesome job on the ribeye. I swear, I need to go into sales and marketing for that damn appliance. Truth be told, the flavor via NuWave is more similar to how Bubs and I both grew up eating steaks– cooked in the oven broiler or via toaster oven. Tasty, but the flavor when cooked on the open flames of a grill are better. My family freaks out about consuming any amount of char (contains cancer-causing compounds), but damn, there is nothing better than those crispy, black, flavor crystals. Now I know for next time. Grill best, NuWave second best.

In the last week, I’ve definitely been feeling a roller-coaster of emotions, triggered by our own aging and just having a lot of solo time to overthink life, work, friendships, everything. But one thing that made me feel better about myself was just this thought that I can actually cook now. I’m not a master chef like Bubs, but fuck man, I can consistently make several tasty dishes. And sure, sometimes I use shortcuts like ready-to-eat Costco salads and straight-pour pesto sauces, but heck, my shit is not just edible, it’s tasty. And it’s decent enough that I feel fine about feeding it to other people!! I’ve come a pretty long way, so I gave myself a pat on the back for my progress… and thank fucking goodness for the NuWave and pressure cooker. Life-changing, I tell ya.

Seeing Us in Them

I dunno about you, but I often see myself in other people. Sure, the other people might be celebrities on tv or characters in a fictional movie/play, but that’s beside the point. While John was in NYC last week, I indulged in a ton of Fixer Upper. Like most shows, FU follows a formula and the project design aesthetic (modern farmhouse) is pretty the same from episode to episode… Still, I love the show: every house still turns out amaze-balls, and despite J and I’s obvious differences from the Gaines (CA vs. TX; no kids vs. 4 kids; tech vs. creative/handy), I see so much of us in them. First, let’s just put it out there: You gotta love the “peaches and cream” element. Hurray for mixed-race couples! But it also cracks me up when Joanna is trying to be all business and serious, and then Chip stands next to her and goofs off. Even the way he behaves kinda reminds me of Bubs. I was thinking today about the person I was 20 years ago: holy shit, super straight arrow and tight. ass. Very rigid, unforgiving, self-righteous, and hyper judgmental. I mean, I had good qualities in there, but there was a lot of attitude. But Bubbey, man. He always had a way of making me chill the fuck out and crack a smile. On so many occasions, he de-escalated a hysterical, raging mad, pissed off VG (triggered by family, of course). The power of his magic, I tell ya.

So yeah, in one of the last episodes, Joanna was talking to the camera and Chip was standing next to her doing this bumping and grinding motion. Even when she sometimes get annoyed with him, he’ll just do something to make her laugh. So in this episode, he got up next to her and started pumping his hands in the air. No joke, Bubbey has pulled shit like that! I also love how Chip and Joanna are a team. I mean, J and I have never worked together professionally (He says he’s an asshole at the office, but I don’t believe him), but I feel like we complement each other pretty well, similar to Chip and Joanna. It’s this idea that we all have our strengths and weaknesses… and sometimes two people mesh and things click. Ok sorry, not trying to ooze with sap here.

On the flip side, I can also really get into relationship movies. I remember how much I loved The Breakup and The Story of Us. I once told a couple friend that The Breakup was one of my favorite movies, and the dude totally disagreed, saying how much he hated it. He hated how they treated each other and hated the ending, but I felt like the relationship was so real and the ending was even more realistic, without the typical Hollywood fluff ending. When Bubs and I weren’t jiving years ago, we entered such a bad zone. The blame, the resentment, the frustration and miscommunication, the unspoken words, the expectations, the misinterpretations… it is a royal fucking mess. But I learned so much about love and respect and ultimately about not having to be right all the damn time. That last bit is still hard for me, but sometimes Bubbey just gets to have the last word.

I don’t know that there is a point to all this rambling. I guess I’ve just been thinking about relationships lately, maybe with all the celeb breakups and that irksome show The Bachelor. One thing is for sure: if you’re a celeb couple, don’t be hiring any young, hot nannies. As qualified and competent as they may be, the dudes just cannot seem to keep their junk in the goddamn trunk. Seriously. Jude Law, David Beckham, Gavin Rossdale, Ben Affleck, the list goes on. Theoretically, I don’t think any of that should matter: kinda like rape. No matter what the hell a woman is wearing, if she doesn’t consent, it’s rape. By a similar token, no matter who is around you, you’re married. Back the fuck off. Sigh. If only people kept things that black and white.

Vegas to the Homestretch

Overall, my dad’s visit went much better than expected. I think he had a good time, and I’m pleased with the level of travel and activities we did outside of the house. We parted ways the day after MLK, with dad flying straight home from Vegas and John and me back to the Bay Area. Of course, the day before, John commented that he wanted to touch down before noon rather than after noon, so we switched our itinerary to fly out earlier. As it turned out, SFO was getting another dousing of rain, so our flight got delayed. Thankfully, I moved fast and asked the gate agent about flying into SJC instead. It was 6:50a, and she switched us for free to a 7:15a flight. So yeah, we headed out of Sin City early, in time to be back behind our desks by 9a. Workaholics, man. They CANNOT be helped.

Most people say their final week on the job is super lax. Unfortunately, not my experience. Last time I ditched The Man, the last week was crammed up to the wire with me training my interim replacement. Same deal this time. The interim was a previous staffer from a different department. She crashed my office, and we spent my last week practically attached at the hip. Ok, not that bad but there was a TON of info transfer, and my final days were intense. She’s a cool lady, and interestingly, we are both ESTJ. She was all surprised to learn I am an E. I’m full of surprises, woman. Don’t try to put me into a box! Haha.

I feel good about the systems I implemented and how I organized my files. The overlap period was helpful, and I have full confidence that everything will be fine. On Thursday, I had lunch with the Cool Club at the office. Who doesn’t enjoy a love fest? Then on Friday morning, my boss organized an office-wide goodbye breakfast. That was really thoughtful and nice too. I said a few words, cried a few tears, etc. Of course, the interim AVP was in the office but didn’t join, which I’m actually glad about bc my words of gratitude didn’t apply to her anyway! I definitely didn’t make the same strong connections here like I did at the previous workplace (in part, bc I was only here 15 months instead of 6 years), but there are still a lot of good people, and it pisses me off when they are mistreated and disrespected.

In the afternoon, I had my exit interview with HR. In typical Vix fashion, I had a lot to say. I tried my best to come across thoughtful (rather than spiteful), intelligent, and compelling. I only met with the HR analyst for 30 min, but she acknowledged that I had put a lot of time into my feedback. I gave her a verbal summary, and she said up until now, she hadn’t heard a thing about our department. She said my charges sounded quite serious, and she would read my file more closely and escalate to the head of HR.  But she also said that right now, it was still just one person’s viewpoint against another’s. I assured her that my sentiments went beyond just me, but I understood her position. Unless people go forward, I’m just one person who perhaps has a beef with another. I suggested a 360 review to ask the staff about their thoughts on the recent leadership changes, and she seemed receptive. I hoped that she would understand the gravity of the situation, as I was departing NOW without another job and without obtaining my retirement benefit at the 2-yr mark. She said that spoke volumes, and she promised me she would spend the time to look into this.

As I drove home, I was overcome by emotion. Despite my defiance in taking such a strong stance, there is a part of me that understands there may be consequences to my radical honesty. My file will be read by my immediate boss and by the interim AVP, since she is my boss’ boss. Maybe she will contact me or approach me or blackball me among her very wide circle of influence. There was an incident in the office this last week where she physically approached my colleague who was asking questions and not backing down. This was during a department meeting, so witnessed by multiple people. I wasn’t there, but the act of her getting into my colleague’s face definitely touched off a storm in the office. To me, her move sounded like physical intimidation, so maybe it’s not completely outlandish that she would approach me somewhere and get in my face… 

And what if HR did in fact send out a 360 review? Would my coworkers actually take the time to be honest with their feedback? Or would I just end up looking like an unruly child, making unwarranted claims, coming across like someone with authority issues? After I got home, I climbed into bed. Why do assholes get away with this kind of behavior? Why do people not speak up and defend themselves? Why had I not even approached the AVP in person to give her a piece of my mind? Goddamn, maybe I hadn’t done enough or maybe what I had done was all out of order??

When John called, I said all these things, and he just kept telling me to let it go. I wrote what I had wanted to say and now the rest is out of my control. He said there was zero chance the AVP would contact me upon seeing my criticism. He also said he doubted anything would happen for the department. Institutions like that are systemically flawed. They don’t have the right people or mechanisms in place to enact real change and make things better.  His comments reminded me of a coworker who was so surprised that I had bothered to write any real feedback in my exit form. He too said he had zero faith that any of the effort would result in anything.

This is what I mean when I say that I’m just dumb, naive, and unfit for this life. Why do these people understand so easily that this is sometimes how the world works: You have asshole bosses and they get away with shit, and you either accept that or you leave. If you leave, you save yourself and you remove yourself from the bad situation. 

People who stay have their reasons. Clearly, the situation is tolerable for them. It’s not anyone’s job to try and change the environment for people who are ok with it. That same coworker wrote me an email after I got home that said I cared too much and I worked too hard. And then I just felt sad, disappointed, defeated, unsophisticated, and flawed. I went to bed.

The next day, I felt better knowing that no matter what, I didn’t have to return to that place come Monday. I wouldn’t have to be pushed and angered on a daily basis anymore. And I realized that my naïveté was probably what gave me the determination to walk away from this toxic place, to resume a search in the face of uncertainty. So just as my college roommate spent 20+ years finding her spouse, I am spending more time and energy towards finding my workplace “match.” And ultimately, I know I am blessed to exercise choice.

Eternal Misfit

I was thinking the other day about how my whole life can be summed up in one term: misfit. I mean, how many times do I use “my parents are immigrants” as a way to explain my eccentricities? If you think about it though, being American-born Chinese really has put me in this odd space. For example, growing up in Frederick, there were less than 10 Asians in my high school (close to 1000 students?). I was always harassed for being Asian, small, and scrawny. People made fun of my parents. People bullied me. Then whenever I went back to Taiwan as a child, I never fit in there either: my skin was too tanned; I was too big-boned compared to my cousins; I didn’t speak the Taiwanese dialect; my Mandarin was too basic or whatever; I was too unruly and defiant. When I went to Duke, there were more Asians but I was the underachieving one with my mediocre grades. In Shanghai, my “yellow face” prevented me from getting teaching jobs despite my training and experience. My relatives there described my Mandarin as elementary or awkward. When they heard me speak English, they insisted that my American accent wasn’t the same as John’s. Meanwhile J would say a few words in Mandarin and suddenly, he was super advanced. 

Now, in Silicon Valley, I’m either the “soft” engineer (civil) with the social skills at a tech startup, or I’m the comm person with the engineer’s social awkwardness at the non-tech workplace. Everywhere I turn, there is some part of me that isn’t quite right. I think of my friend J who grew up moving to a different state every two years. She has incredible awareness and social/emotional intelligence. She credits her ability to read people and adapt quickly to this upbringing. I suppose I can credit my resiliency to my history of being an eternal misfit. On good days, I think I’m pretty adaptable: I have a high tolerance for discomfort, and I’m not afraid to push myself despite the natural fears of rejection or exclusion. But on my bad days, I feel tired. Tired of trying. Tired of pushing. Tired of not having the ease of being immediately accepted and welcomed. In these moments of self pity, I remind myself that these struggles are minor compared to “real” troubles people without privilege face. I try not to complain. So instead, I have days and maybe weeks where I feel overwhelmed by the constancy of being a lifelong misfit. I wonder what is wrong with me. Why are certain conditions so absolutely unbearable for me while for others, it’s simply no big deal.

Yesterday morning, I received an email from my Duke roommate. She is a successful, high ranking OB/GYN in the military. In the last two years, she met the love of her life, got married, bought a house, got a dog, had a kid… anyway, she was in town for a friend’s wedding and wanted to know if I was free for lunch. It had been a long time since we’d hung out one-on-one, and I was kind of looking forward to catching up. As we hit all the key topics, she asked about my job and I admitted that I hated it. She agreed that she thought social media was a weird fit for me, and then she made this comment like, “What job number is this for you?” I shrugged my shoulders and replied, “Everyone’s got a puzzle they’re trying to solve. Not everything lines up at the same time.” We went onto other topics and then her friend joined us. Then it was all about child-rearing and that person’s soap opera drama (seriously, she was dating her best friend’s soon-to-be-ex). On my drive home, I just kept replaying my friend’s comment. I get so disappointed when people say the most insensitive things. I’m a sarcastic person, so sure, I get that not everything is so goddamn literal, but fuck man, words also matter.

I mean, she was unlucky at love for almost 20 years: failed relationship after failed relationship. Did I EVER say to her, “what relationship number is this now?” When I was at Duke, I had nervous breakdowns bc of my grades. To make matters worse, I had my parents calling every damn week harassing me about my test scores, giving me advice on how to study harder or better… The transition from high school valedictorian with all my awards and extra-curriculars and Chinese school accomplishments to sub-par undergrad was a difficult period for me– a paralyzing culmination of expectation, pressure, privilege, and disappointment. I remember once when I didn’t agree with her strategy for taking classes just for the “easy A” as she described it, she said, “well, unlike you, I’m not trying to get the lowest GPA possible.” It’s weird bc I’ve always had so much loyalty for that friendship, and now reflecting on the last few encounters, I really don’t know why. To be honest, things have never really been the same since graduation, and maybe that’s my own damn naive fault. Through the years, she was awful at keeping in touch. I wasn’t even sure about going to her wedding in September 2014. Ultimately, I was glad I went bc I really wanted to celebrate her milestones, but maybe now I can just let things go. After my visit with her, I drove home, stepped in the door, and just started to cry.

J keeps saying that 2015 has been a shitty year for me. Aside from the work dissatisfaction, he always points to the shifts in my friendships as playing a key factor: the openspace people moving away, changing jobs, or retiring, G& J being in Seattle, J&J having a kid… I always rejected his theory. Then, over Thanksgiving, I felt like I couldn’t really have a conversation with J&J without them being distracted by the baby. And we’ve certainly seen less of them now that weekends get filled with playdates and kiddie camping trips. I don’t begrude them of cute lil’ H, but for some reason, I had an epiphany. 

A long time ago, I read an interesting essay about friendships: the article likened them to catalysts and enzymatic reactions. You need proximity, attraction (through common interests), and frequency. In the past, when I had lost touch with S from grad school, I chalked it up to just us not having things in common anymore, bc she was a housewife living in the South. She had had two kids and that life was exhausting, and we had fewer and fewer things in common. Maybe that’s what’s happening now. Slowly and esp bc the kids are in their needy years. I dunno.

J has suggested that we focus on getting more child-free friends AND maybe we need to move to the city where there is a higher concentration of like-minded people and things to do. The thing is, I rather like my Houseboat. But I also agree, life in suburbia is rather boring and everything is really centered around kids. This makes me think about my single friends. God, it must be so frustrating for them to hang around homebody couples!

Sigh, these are the things that keep me up late. Turns out, I don’t just need a job overhaul, I need to overhaul so many other areas: family, location, friends…  Now I’m suddenly tired and ready for bed!

Mom vs. Work: I Choose Work

misunderstanding

Surprise, surprise, it’s Day 4 in the middle of the fucking night here, and I am full-on livid. My mother drives me goddamn insane. Let’s start from the beginning, bc I know you care. First order of the day was to set up a new bank account for my maternal grandfather. The other night, when J and I took mom walking in the vicinity, we came across a bank. It was on the north side of the park. Yesterday evening, when my mother told my dad we were going to the bank, he probably spent 30 minutes trying to give her directions on where the bank was. Finally, I told him to stop micromanaging everything and that we would get her to the bank.

So this morning, my mother is insistent that she knows where the bank is. My 90+ year-old grandfather comes along. We get outside, and I tell her I’m pretty sure it’s on the north end. No, no, no, she knows where it is. So we walk all along the south end of the park– a pretty good distance in the humid, muggy heat. Guess what. The bank is in the northeast corner. I mean, sure, we’re allowed to make mistakes bc that’s part of the growth mindset. Just uh, if you are so goddamn insistent and my grandfather is hobbling along, can you please be sure you’re right? Fine. At the bank, everything takes for fricking ever. Flashback to my days in China…

We finally are done and head back. We stop by the 7/11 downstairs to get lunch bento boxes. I’m already exhausted. While everyone sleeps, I go out and explore around: buy some stamps for mom and some soft serve ice cream she’s been talking about. In the afternoon, I take my mother to Costco, which is down the road. Again, she tries to be the backseat driver even though I tell her I read the map and know how to go. Pretty much every other turn, she advises the opposite direction of what I’m supposed to do. I just ignore her.

Costco appears pretty similar to the US version. Everything is at least $10 USD. We get home, and the oldies are famished. I can’t get food on the table fast enough for them. God, is this the hustle involved with feeding a family? By 7p, I am fucking exhausted again. Throughout the day and night, calls come in: from my dad, from two aunts, from my cousin… back and forth. Logistical shit about groceries and the required paperwork for my grandfather’s health insurance here. Blah, blah, blah. It’s kinda like my dad is the CEO and then all the relatives are his employees getting shit done. It’s too damn much. Again, this is why people like my mother and brother are unable to do shit on their own, bc they are constantly babied. My father argues that there’s an efficient way to do things. Well, I don’t want to be involved in every fucking detail, so let people get things wrong so they can learn it themselves. This dichotomy in philosophy has been a point of contention between myself and my family since the very beginning. I’m all about efficiency, but fuck man, I’m also about self-sufficiency, empowerment, and independence.

Other logistical debates center around money and currency exchange and depositing money. Old people: sometimes they are distrustful of banks. Long story short, 8p rolls around and I am beaten down. I go to bed. Then, at 2a, I awake. Do some work: guidance to a student intern who’s creating a video. Then my mother wakes and tells me my fav cousin, Hong is dating a new lady. My family is hyper gossipy and is always obsessing about the single folks getting married… I don’t want to get involved and say just that. Then, my mother asks me if I like my cousin!!! And she isn’t meaning as a friend. I about lose my shit. “What are you talking about? We’re close cousins. Yes, I like him.” WTF???? Then she says, I seem unhappy that he has found someone. I tell her that I haven’t even spoken to him at length about anything, so I don’t know what his situation is. “Oh well, you should ask him.” It’s like look: people can be single. You don’t have to harass them about their status all the fucking time. Maybe they are ok with it. If not, your added pressure does NOT help. And second, I’m not going to fall into your bullshit gossip circle. If I talk to him and he mentions it, then I’ll listen. What, bc I don’t immediately jump for joy about him possibly having an interest (whom we’re not even sure he likes), then I’m interested in him? Then she says all this shit about my marriage and that I need to support it. OMFG, are you kidding me? You, who practically has a parent-child relationship with your spouse, are giving me marriage advice? LI-VID.

Here’s the thing: I know some people are not on board about me having guy friends whom I’ll stay with overnight. I know that’s sometimes a difficult or counterintuitive concept, and people are doubtful or suspicious or whatever. It’s an old question of whether platonic opposite-sex relationships are legit. Whatever. The thing is, though, at the end of the day, it’s MY BUSINESS. And then for her to suggest something inappropriate with my COUSIN??? I’m completely enraged. It just adds to her overall cluelessness about everything! Part of me wanted to be sarcastic and say, “Yes mom. I’m having an affair with my cousin.” But she gets confused easily, so I just said, “Yes, we are close friends. Just bc we’re close doesn’t mean we are having a sexual relationship.” I am sickened that I even have to spell this out. Do you see what I mean? Does she even KNOW her own daughter?

I tried to calm myself down by thinking about my friends who have made comments before about my friendships with guy friends. They ask and want to know. Why do I have the patience to explain to them, and yet when my mother asks, it’s an absolute outrage? I don’t know. I feel like I explain to my friends, and then it’s done. With my mom, she responds by saying all this extra crap like, “I just want you to treasure your marriage. I say all these things bc I care about you.” Fucking bullshit. You just worry about what other people think. And you yourself have watched way too many soap operas.

Whatever, then the conversation evolves into trying to pressure me re: the amount of money I’m gifting. She says that I need to save money for myself, bc I don’t have kids and none of my nieces and nephews will care for me when I’m old. I really don’t give two fucks about getting old. I don’t want my nieces and nephews to take care of me. I really feel like once I get to that point, I’ll be ok with assisted suicide or whatever. Anyway, round and round. Like I said, she’s paranoid and neurotic. I told her our finances are fine, and I’m going to leave my job soon. I don’t want her calling me every damn day harassing me about my job status. Yup, in my fit of rage, I forgot my plan to just leave my job decision secret. I was going to pretend like I was still working… Oh well. Gone down the drain.

Clearly, I cannot stand how fucking polar opposite we are. I told her that I don’t live my life with all that distrust of people and debilitating fear, so I am not going to take any of her advice bc it does NOT apply to me. I swear to god, she misreads EVERYTHING. I didn’t show curiosity/interest in my cousin’s dating life so automatically that means I’m jealous bc I want him for myself???? ARGH!! She is CRAZY!

After she finally left me the fuck alone, I just sat in the dark trying to pipe down. I wanted to call Bubbey but he’s at work bc it’s midday in California now. I keep thinking to myself: she’s mental. Can you fault people who are sick or ill? They can’t help it. But holy fuck, sometimes I HATE HER! I know I sound like a freaking high schooler slamming doors and stomping my feet, but why is she is so frustrating? What is the right way to cope with her? Like the cousin scenario. Was I supposed to just calmly reply. No, Mom. I do not have the hots for my cousin. I’m thrilled that the aunts set him up (matchmaking is big here) with a suitable person. Maybe he can finally settle down and have a family. More grandkids for my uncle and aunt. Yay!! SMH.

Then all day she’s been bitching about her mobile phone. It’s not the most user-friendly, that’s for sure, but all she needs to know is how to answer, hang up, check missed calls, and dial. Well in Taiwan, there are a shit ton of spam text messages. The messages are purportedly from Taiwan Mobile, saying you haven’t paid your bill. So she’s freaking out. I told her to call and ask the company. Of course, in my family’s typical fashion of over complicating EVERYTHING, it’s registered under my aunt’s name (hand holding central!) so she can’t get into the account. Blah, blah. Last time this happened, my aunt called, and the rep said the messages are spam. Well, clearly mom doesn’t accept that answer, and she insists something is wrong. I tell her that tomorrow we’ll go visit my paternal grandfather and then she can go to the store who set it up for my aunt and show them the messages. She wants ME to go. Meanwhile, I can’t read and I only know conversational level Chinese. WTF. I’m not going to solve your problem for you. I will drive you there and go with you, but I’m not going to be your messenger. She says she doesn’t know the terminology and the technology. Well, neither do I.

I can’t fucking do this. Why can’t she just be a normal fucking person?

Life Choices

I’ve been thinking a TON lately about choices. Last week, I lamented to my friend G about how throughout my life, I’ve been so adamant and insistent about “choosing my own path” and about doing things my way (rather than the way my parents wanted): from not studying biology/premed to not becoming a doctor to changing careers to not having kids… I made all these decisions with confidence, declaring that “I know myself best.” Yet decades later, am I any happier than say, Mr. Joe Schmoe who followed a straightforward path, didn’t overthink or ask questions, took a job/career (maybe a mindnumbing one), and just stayed locked in? I guess I’ve been feeling sorry for myself: after all this constant hustle, making atypical choices regarding my career and beyond, in the end, I’m still dissatisfied with life. WTF?!?

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not regretting the kid thing, but shit, if I’m going to be an eternal malcontent, why even bother putting so much thought into everything? In some way, I acknowledge that my parents are paying a price for my choices. I’m well aware that my decision to be child-free has contributed to their unhappiness. So on top of having that on my conscience, I can’t even say that I’m living a happy, fulfilled life. I dunno. Maybe I’m just feeling fatigued, and life is beating me down. The good news? I still have some perspective. I know I live a blessed life, and no matter what, I have a lot to be thankful for. 

John and I are celebrating 19 years together. Not to sound all Nicholas Sparks or whatever, but hands down, he’s THE best decision of my life– worth every bit of the defiance and fam drama and even our own ups and downs. That said, fuck man, I made my best call when I was 20 years old???? I sure as hell hope there are plenty more “best decisions” coming outta me in my elderly years.

Canada

J and I were in Canada this past week. The last time we were this far north, we were in Vancouver for my bday in 2008. That was a great trip. We left there thinking: “If it weren’t for the cold, we could really live here!”

It seems that every trip somehow gets rated against that question, and seeing as I have just passed my ninth year in the Bay Area, what can I say, I’m getting antsy again. So this time around, we flew into Calgary, spent a couple of nights in the city, and then drove west to the mountains of Banff for another five nights. This was my first real vacation since starting my gig ten months ago. Yes, I was in Taiwan last November, but come on, family time never counts as vacay. The interesting thing about Canada? It’s kinda confusing, bc people speak English and they mostly dress/look/act very similarly to people from the States, so my brain assumes we’re in the States… but then some things are just a tad bit off. Mentally, it’s a little disorienting. Unlike when you’re in Asia or Europe where the differences are blatant, in Canada the distinctions are harder to tease out. For example, we hit up a shopping center in Calgary, and while everything about the strip mall felt very familiar and recognizable, we only knew the names of two stores (Best Buy and Costco) out of ten. Yeah, the other shops were probably Canadian. I know, duh, but it still causes a double-take. Then, at the Costco where we loaded up on wine, cheese, and trail mix, the cashier asked if we wanted our “buggy” back. John was totally confused. Thankfully, when he doesn’t hear or understand someone, I actually do. And vice versa. “Yes, we’d like the shopping cart back.”

Other observations? DYK the population of California is more than the population of all of Canada? WTF’ right? And if you think about it further: the population of Shanghai is almost the population of Canada and California combined! Mindblowing! The pace in Alberta is also considerably slower: that goes for airport processes, driving speeds, and restaurant service. It definitely takes some getting used to. Kinda like Hawaii’s “Island time” but thankfully, not THAT slow. People are super friendly, almost suspiciously friendly. Everywhere we went, we got free upgrades: rental car, hotel 1, hotel 2, restaurant seating, airplane seating, etc. And people are very conversational, and not in the usual auto-piloty kind of way we’re used to. There’s all this eye contact, and the people really keep the conversation going, which made us unabombers super uncomfortable.

What else. Holy crap, who knew there was so much diversity up here: I mean, I guess since Banff is a pretty international destination, it’s not that surprising to hear lots of European and Asian languages, but in Calgary? Same thing, and I also noticed many interracial couples at the public parks and around town.

Beyond those observations, the landscape in this part of Canada is pretty stunning. We saw lots of natural beauty with distinctive highlights from glaciers in the Columbia Icefield to grassy meadows to alpine lakes to fir forests in the Rockies. For some reason, all of this reminded me of our incredible trip two years ago in Wyoming. That was one of my top five trips, and of course, I was trying to pinpoint the reasons why it was so memorable. Banff had some similar features with the beautiful ski mountains and clear lakes, but in Wyoming, 1) I saw horses everyday 2) we did some really unique activities like my Intro to Rodeo class and mountain biking down the ski slopes 3) The Grand Teton Lodge was super deluxe/nice 4) we saw tons of wildlife: moose, elk, buffalo, bears, deer…

We still got lucky on this trip: we did see one bear and two elk, but other than that, on our three days on the trails, nothing! In conclusion, both places are definitely worth visiting. Grand Teton NP and Yellowstone are slightly less accessible, with Jackson Hole being the closest airport (often requiring a connecting flight) whereas Calgary is a short, direct flight from SFO followed by a 90-min drive. I highly recommend both, in case you’re asking!

Probably the most challenging part of this trip was us doing two moderate-to-strenuous hikes two days in a row and well, us realizing we’re not in as good of shape as we were two years ago. Plus, don’t discount the elevation. Haha. Those hikes really knocked the wind out of us, so for a couple of days, we lost a lot of steam and had to sleep a lot. Whatever though: that’s what vacation is for– resting. In terms of getting offline for a bit, I did pretty well. Partly, I had no choice, bc AT&T and T-Mobile had shit service in the mountains. Then another night, the wifi at the hotel knocked out due to a storm. I did squeeze in a tad bit of work and even sent off a couple of job apps. But seriously, I toned my online time WAY down. I give myself a gold star, for realz. I’m feeling decently rested now, but I’m eager to reunite with my Martin. Susan says he really hates the sub-q fluids. I have definitely noticed that he is getting more and more sensitive to the needles. I may have to try some new locations on his body due to the scar tissue. He has also become finicky again with his appetite, but otherwise, he is doing well considering the circumstances. Whew, Marty lasted another week! 😉

Wow, how is it fucking mid August  now? Shit man, back to work Monday. Gotta figure out how I’m going to get back into the groove. [FAG id=7443]