Category Archives: Marriage

Banner Year for Work

It’s been another long stretch… As much as I love and miss blogging, it’s been a challenge sitting down to get my thoughts down. The biggest hurdle these days? I’m rusty with my writing. When I used to blog regularly, I would go through my days, jotting down notes and ideas for later blog posts. It’s as if my brain at that time was super nimble: it gathered experiences and held on to details with the intention of revisiting them for a story or processing them very quickly soon after. What can I say, I’m totally out of the flow these days. And well, I’m now a “woman of a certain age,” as my friend P likes to say.

The good news is, I’m having a banner year at work. And don’t get your hopes up or anything. I am still very much the same person. No monster revelations or breakthroughs, i.e. nothing has changed all this time while the blog has been silent regarding my value system: I remain and forever am a workaholic. You probably are NOT surprised. I probably would have wanted some improvements/changes given the years of therapy, all the self-help reading I do, plus just ageing over time. But nope. I continue to define my value and my worth through achievement/work. Work is my purpose and my identity. And now that business is FINALLY strong, I can’t deny the feeling of pride and sense of accomplishment. Indeed, the success fuels my tank like nothing else. It really sparks an old flame inside me. In my glory days, I was the best, and goddamn, I missed that feeling… as far back and as deeply buried as it was.

Tbh, there were two eras that I considered “glory days.” First was high school when I juggled a gazillion extracurricular activities and I was “on track” for achievement and success in life. My second “glory days” era was probably when I worked at the government environmental agency. After a series of shit jobs, this place was paradise. Great compensation, low stress, camaraderie, strong mission, short commute… I was in my heydey “work hard, play hard” mode. I was fit, athletic, relatively stylish, my skin was under control, J and I bought a house, we had our pups, we traveled. Of course, things later changed, and then I was disgruntled, our marriage was on the rocks… Goddamn the shift happened fast.

Anyway, back to present day. Yes, this is a record year for me. That said, we are in Silicon Valley, and I remain a very small potato. Like half of a fingerling. Just a nub of a small potato. Seriously. But if I compare me with only myself (apparently, that’s what I’m supposed to do), I am still pleased. I’ve worked really hard in real estate these past nine years, and it’s nice to feel the confidence that comes with competency, skills development, and quite simply, seasoned time in the saddle.

The other positive shift about this year has been my clientele. All of my deals this year have been either past clients or new biz referred by past clients/good friends. It has definitely been a game changer over my usual client mix, which used to include a lot of randos– people who responded to an online ad or came through an open house. While I’ve handled those deals fine, the level of trust upfront totally creates a different relationship and dynamic. It’s no longer people trusting their friends/colleagues/internet advice over that of me, their agent. When I’m introduced by referral, there is an immediate acknowledgement that I am an expert and that I have experience/guidance that matters.

This dynamic has been instrumental in reducing stress/frustration. Don’t get me wrong: there are still very challenging and stressful days, but the intensity is a step or two lower, thank goodness. And somehow this year, the clients are also more my type and my speed. Like they are my tribe in terms of how they process information, how they communicate, and how they get shit done. OMG, it’s an amazing feeling when there’s a synchronization. I cannot appreciate it enough!

Outside of my work obsession, next is of course Benny. Well, it’s been a lot of ups and downs with Benny. But right now, he is on the upswing and looking good. I still brush him daily (and vacuum daily). I joke to everyone that I spend all my money on Benny and my skin. Yup, he’s our boat and I’m just thrilled to have landed on a relatively simple program now that works for him.

As for my face, I completed a course of Accutane in August 2024 and despite lingering side effects with my vision/dry eyes, it was worth it and I am grateful to finally have clear skin again (Only a few short stints of clear skin in the past THREE DECADES of battling bullshit cystic acne!). For now, all is good. I’m in the process of tweaking my skincare routine with topicals/at home products to target crows feet and crepey eyelids, but I consider the skin stuff a “hobby” that falls under my “internet research” umbrella. Dog care, skin care, house hacks. Shrug.

In other news, Bubbey is continuing with his “semi-retirement” status. His cooking has ratcheted up to a super high caliber. I mean, the breadth of cuisines plus how fast he can whip shit together. It is nothing short of amazing. Many of my friends do not have spouses as skilled in the kitchen, so I try not to brag. But shit, his meals taste way better than eating out.

Skills mastery, I tell you! He like goes to the library and comes back with a stack of books and new recipes to try for the week. My home life feels incredibly indulgent in that sense.

And it’s been a real blessing being able to go for walks together, eat lunch, spend time. Bubs is also continuing with his leather work and laser etcher and 3D printing. Sometimes he creates key chains, placards, bags that I can use for work. I feel like we’re in a good phase where he’s got several hobbies and we’re overall both in a good headspace– able to focus on our individual things but also have the overlap in schedules to do activities together. Yes, everything in the outside world continues to be in turmoil, but I feel very lucky to have a safe and comfortable home with my Bubs and Benny.

Airport Pickups

Last year, J and I watched a movie called Chloe— it was a psychological thriller starring Liam Neeson and Julianne Moore as a couple/family who becomes entangled with a prostitute, in part bc the husband and wife fell into a routine and lost their connection. Somewhere in the film, the husband (who traveled for work) asks the wife, “When did we stop picking each other up from the airport?”

Having gone to couples therapy many years ago, I remember being in that period of disconnection. During that time, J was entrenched in the work of a startup, while I was at a government job that gave me the best work-life balance ever. But we were like two ships passing in the night. I think about how now, with him being retired and me being an agent, our roles have reversed. As my own workaholic tendencies have resurfaced, I catch myself in moments where the day-to-day suddenly feels very routine and automatic.

That line in the movie resonates with me, though bc it’s a reminder that gestures are important. That’s not to say I’ll take J to the airport at 4am or in the middle of rush hour, but if it’s relatively feasible, I do try my best to take him or pick him up. After many days apart, I like to think he’ll appreciate seeing me again soon after he lands.

It’s not an explicit bid for attention, but I think gestures/instances where one partner anticipates the needs of another are important. I try to notice and appreciate when someone shows some forethought and exercises consideration. For us, these actions really have been foundational to our longevity. Speaking of which, we are coming up on 28 years together. It hasn’t all been smooth sailing, but I feel very lucky and fortunate.

The Kid Debate Rages On

Parents kill me with their demands and expectations on how their children should conduct and live their lives. I am no longer harassed about this in part due to the passing of my paternal grandfather, but it’s disappointing to see this issue featured on a recent advice column. What’s that saying, “Live and let live”?

Carolyn Hax: Would-be grandpa scoffs at couple’s choice to forgo kids – The Washington Post

Build a Fire

Excerpted from a LinkedIn post that resonates with me today:

As a young lawyer, when work was slow, I got nervous, anxious, and fixated on working harder to get busy again. Now, I take a different approach. I tell myself, “Build a fire”.

In law school, Professor, Chief Judge, and former Marine James Baker told a story: It was freezing during a winter live-fire exercise in Infantry Officer school. He and his fellow trainees were shivering and sullen.

During a lull, a Major walked up and barked, what are you doing?

Judge Baker yelled out, waiting for the enemy so we could attack.

The Major said, No, what are you doing freezing?? Build a fire!

Judge Baker built the fire. Soon the soldiers warmed up, rejuvenated, and returned to their ferocious selves more ready to charge ahead.

As a young, ambitious lawyer, work getting slow was worrying. Where would the next deal come from? Would I be slow forever? Would I hit my target hours? I focused on all the things I could to generate business. I would wrote articles, built my skills, networked, scheduled coffee meetings, and made myself busy. This was deeply hurtful to my wife. She had unconditionally supported me when I was busy, but how could I not focus on my relationship with her during work slow times? Regardless of my efforts and anxiety, the next deal always came and I exceeded my billable-hour targets each year. As the economy slows and private equity and venture capital activity decrease, a lot of younger corporate lawyers are biting their nails. Some have reached out to me asking, what should I do when I’m slow?

My response: build a fire.

Invest in the parts of you that you neglected during the busy times. Engage with people who love you. Do the hobbies that make you feel free and happy, and allow your mind to wander.

I deepen my connection to my wife and children. I go on hikes with them and breathe fresh air. I exercise more. I walk my goats to greener pastures and fix the chicken coop. I call my parents, my brothers, and friends that I long since neglected.

I stay up late laughing and sleep a bit later in the morning. Work will get busy again and when it does I will be a more energized, mentally healthy, and productive M&A lawyer.

Even though I love being an M&A lawyer, an M&A lawyer is not all I am. I have other parts of me that must be nurtured and cultivated.

When work is slow, let’s resist sprinting to the next goal post. Instead, stop and build a fire. You will be better for it.

Reminder

I’ve never had a great relationship with my mother and now that she has Alzheimer’s, some days it’s even harder to think of her in her best light. Saw this on LinkedIn this morning and it gave me some insight, especially on my father’s perspective.

Learning Moments

When I was a kid, my parents realized rather quickly that I was a strong-willed, opinionated, obstinate child. I was not easy. And as I grew through the stages from child to adolescent to adult, my notoriety only got worse.

Remember that time in college when John and I first started dating, and my dad basically threw me under the bus, telling John I was a very bossy kind of person? Well, as we feminists like to say, “I’m assertive, not bossy.” But in addition to being assertive, I’ll admit I developed a reputation for being defiant, judgmental, and downright bellicose.

The other day, I was lamenting to my childhood friend that J and I were getting snippy with one another recently. I mean, it’s been a challenging year– running high on emotions between grief and loss, fear and worry, disappointment and frustration. While I do believe J and I have a very solid, supportive, and loving relationship, there are times when we face challenges. As with any couple, we encounter shared experiences but also have individual experiences that shape our separate attitudes, outlook, and mood.

Plus, with me being in real estate, I have particular sensitivities about being valued and respected for my work. This business is a weird one: unlike most salaried roles, I have a lot of upfront work and research where I provide information and services for free, and then I don’t get compensated until the very end. Sometimes, if the client doesn’t work with me, it’s just free labor. I don’t get jack.

When J was tasked with handling his parents’ estate, he fell on the client-end of things as it pertained to real estate matters for the family. I won’t go into the details, but there were instances where he interacted with agents on the East Coast in a manner that echoed the disappointments I had personally experienced in my business. And I found myself struggling to separate his actions with what that insinuated in terms of how he viewed my career. To be honest, it reminded me about that time many years ago when Michael and Juanita Jordan got divorced. She got half of everything, and J made some comment about the unfairness of it all– the money wasn’t her money. Say what? You see, our entire relationship, J has earned more than I have. Partly, this is bc he is in an industry that society values and compensates highly. The disparity of income always bothered me, but J would always tell me, it’s “our” money. And then, when the Jordan story broke, I felt a dissonance between what J had always verbalized to me and how he was interpreting the divorce. The same thing happened with his recent dealings with the Realtors.

While I was dealing with disappointment after disappointment, feeling used and discarded by potential clients, J had been giving me words of encouragement. He too agreed people were being disrespectful assholes in the way that they ghosted me or pumped me for information/resources only to go with someone else or never submit a legitimate offer.

This disconnect caused a big rift, and I was disturbed by the contradictions. We argued and discussed a few times, and then we moved on. Not bc I wanted to drop the issue, but bc belaboring the disagreement/misunderstanding about the scenarios didn’t serve us. And that’s where my friend N, who has known me since the 7th grade, commented that she has witnessed the maturity and growth and compromise. I’m an adult now, so I don’t have the time nor energy to debate something as an academic exercise. But goddamn, it’s hard to let shit go. My instinct is to rehash and to persist. I am a bulldog after all.

But I also remember that years ago, when we went to couples therapy: In the midst of some story where I was insisting that I was right and he was wrong, the counselor interrupted me and said, “Both of your perspectives–however divergent– are correct. You are on the same team.” And so… the bulldog has to let go.

In talking with my friend, I was reminded too that it’s really hard to know another person, to interpret their feelings/actions/intentions with full accuracy. Sure, J and I have been together for over 20 years, but there are still things we don’t fully understand about one another. So rather than react with insult and offense, we should consider the other perspective, and we should always assume good intent.

In addition, this recent tiff has exposed a weakness of mine: I have learned that I have to be confident and comfortable about what I do and the value I bring to my work. No one else is going to give that confidence and security to me. So, I must be more self reliant, and believing in my own value will invariably translate to how I ask for business and how I handle clients who choose another route. That part is on me.

And frankly, I’m getting there. In all my transactions, I know I go above and beyond. I am careful, organized, and prepared. And whether other people acknowledge that or not, I have to feel proud knowing from my own interactions and observations with other agents that I am more thorough and more persistent about advocating for my clients. Maybe I can do a better job of demonstrating and pointing out to clients how I go above and beyond, but fundamentally, it starts with self-love. I gotta do me: believe it, feel it, claim it.

Nature of the Biz

I’m rounding out the first quarter of my third year in the real estate biz, and the ride has certainly been an eventful one. More than any other career I have undertaken (and I’ve done multiple), this one has been a serious rollercoaster.

You see, in the other roles, sure I often had that initial crisis of confidence. Honestly, I think it’s a woman thing. We tend to expect a higher level of knowledge, competency, and preparedness before we’ll feel confident about our expertise. So whenever I started something new, there was that initiation phase of building familiarity, skills, relationships and understanding the people and processes. After about a year in, I started getting the hang of it and it was smoother sailing from there. With real estate, it’s really a constantly-evolving process and the additional responsibility of building my own business entails added challenges.

As I tell many people, from a very young age, my mother always said I was bossy. After I became an adult, graduated from school, and entered the work force, I think she and my father were always rather incredulous that I could work for anyone. I mean, what can I say, growing up, they saw a lot of independence, resistance, and defiance. You know, immigrant parents, yada, yada. I didn’t like being told what to do, especially from my parents. In that sense, the autonomy of my current business is a great fit, bc I like weighing options and selecting the path forward. I like making the decisions.

That said, I’m not gonna lie: The lead generation part of building a business has been a struggle. I’ve grown a ton and definitely conditioned myself to enduring many more uncomfortable situations… but the task of persuading or convincing people to work with me has been difficult. First, I don’t think I come across immediately as a particularly extroverted or immediately likable individual. I’m kinda one of those people with RBF. I’ve had good friends from college admit this to me about our first encounter…

I’m working on the first impression piece, bc I know how important it is to the business. My biggest approach for summoning the energy needed for this continued self-development is to turn things into a game or challenge. That Stanford class on sports performance and mental fortitude still stays with me today so many years later. I want to be mentally strong, and I believe in continual learning and improvement. Ultimately, I want to become that person who has a presence, who exudes confidence, and who is compelling.

Of course, the downside of all this is that there is fatigue. I derive a lot of energy from pursuing this path toward mastery, but it’s also a never ending 24/7 kind of thing. You never know where and when the deal might come. This has caused some tension in my relationships. Interestingly, Bubbey and I find ourselves with roles reversed from several years ago when he was in the startup biz and I was working in government. Startup work is a 24/7 kind of business and at the time, I was frustrated by his complete obsession and utter lack of free time. His schedule was constantly changing and it was hard to make plans. Well, here we are again. There’s a line in the real estate business that says, “Anytime you need a deal, just go on vacation.” We had this happen several times already– when we were in Italy for our anniversary, when we were in Leavenworth for a group vacation, when we were home for Christmas… It’s hard for people outside the business to understand and I’m often frustrated having to explain it to people. It’s not like I get a stable, constant paycheck. In real estate, it’s feast or famine. I only get paid when I get a deal, and since I’m just getting my business started, it’s not like I have a consistent pipeline of business. The work comes in fits and starts and when the deal comes my way, I HAVE to take it. And I don’t want to apologize for having to take it, just like people don’t apologize for their life choices– be it going to school overseas (and being far away from family) or having kids (and seeing less of their friends) or working at their demanding jobs.

Ultimately, when Bubbey and I faced this scenario years back, he tried to spend more time with me. But he was so consumed with work that there just wasn’t a way to really balance it. I didn’t understand it at the time, bc I wasn’t working in such a demanding environment. I myself had also previously worked at a start up, and it was also crazy intense but I was in a lower role. I didn’t have the pressure or responsibility of running a team and of meeting the engineering deadlines for investors and customers.

In the end, J was never really able to attain work-life balance until he left the job.

I don’t know what lies ahead for my real estate business. My hope is that after the first several years of building the business, I will get enough consistent business to a point where I can hire help and delegate the duties… But we’ll have to see. I am trying to get there as fast as I can bc for some reason, I always feel a time pressure. Like it has to happen sooner than later. I dunno. For now, I’m continuing to plug away and I’m enjoying the journey.

Reflections on Parenting

This one’s a long one… written on my flight back, so brace yourself.

I have to say, for someone who is childfree, I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about parenting and child-rearing. Oddly enough, there is some explanation for this. You see, from a very young age, I’ve struggled with lots of familial strife. Not the usual tiff or disagreement here and there. Rather, full-on, war time, volcanic eruption familial fighting. The constant sparring can probably be attributed to a number of things: my parents being immigrants (I know, I’m a broken record, but this factor cannot be overstated!), my father having a strong, dominant personality, and me having a strong, dominant, judgey, defiant personality.

In my childhood, I observed favoritism from a very young age. This is probably nothing unusual… in fact, I would expect it to be a common thing for families with multiple kids. In my case, my mother and grandmother always coddled my brother. After all, the Chinese phrase “Little Emperor” didn’t just come out of thin air. Their obsession with him extended into adolescence and adulthood with them cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry pretty much on demand at any and all hours of the day. When he moved to Taiwan in his 30s, my aunts continued this ridiculous babying– staying up late, waiting for him to come home so they could cook him hot meals.

Admittedly, I also benefited from this lifestyle as a kid: I never really had chores. My dad always explained that my job was to do well in school, and my family would handle all other things– cooking, cleaning, laundry, expenses, etc. But even at six years of age, I was already annoyed with the level of their involvement. I didn’t like having other people do things ALL THE DAMN TIME. If they helped me get dressed or cut up my food or did other things I was perfectly capable of doing, I would say, in a cocky, know-it-all kind of way, “I can do it myself!” By the time I was a preteen, I already felt suffocated by the Asian tiger parenting: I would say in Chinese, “Stop managing me. Leave me alone.” By the time I was 16 and definitely by the time I was 18, going away to live just could not come soon enough.

It wasn’t just the incessant coddling though. It was everything. The preachiness, the lessons, the constant comparisons to other kids and their achievements. I was fighting with my parents CONSTANTLY for years before finally fleeing the roost. Despite the security and stability they provided, I just couldn’t stand being told what to do all the damn time. Looking back, I suspect that more than anything, these tensions were cultural than generational in nature. Chinese parents, I tell you. They can be really insufferable.

I mean, all the fucking nagging from my parents PLUS my grandmother and then shitty parenting with my brother…. I probably didn’t know enough to put two and two together back then, but their parenting style towards me and my brother definitely irked the crap out of me.

My mother always thought my rage and frustration stemmed from me being jealous of the apparent favoritism of her and grandmother towards my brother but honestly, that shit only bugged me in the very beginning. Once I started feeling more independent, I didn’t want to deal with the constant coddling. And in retrospect, having a favorite child actually seems quite natural to me. As my friend M has said, “The heart wants what the heart wants.” I think this is true in romantic love as well as parental love. I mean, the concept of fairness is really just bullshit anyway. And not just with parenting but with anything in life. And I’ll even go a step further in saying that trying to instill a sense of fairness only serves to misguide people later on in life. Life isn’t fair so why should we insist that it be that way? I mean, I was born in the USA. Immediately, I have a different kind of freedom and privilege than my cousins born in Taiwan, right? Is that fair? Or, say one child has abusive parents/alcoholic parents. Where’s the fairness in that? It’s just a bullshit construct, really.

I understand that parents want to be equally good to their kids. They want to give them opportunities to grow and thrive and flourish, but does that mean they have to connect and love them equally? I don’t think so, and children should develop the fortitude to deal with the reality that people will treat you differently and you will treat others differently due to whatever subtle factors/preferences..

I came across an article recently, labeling various parenting approaches: helicopter, tiger, lawn mower, free-range… Sometimes it’s an interesting academic exercise to give these things some thought. Ultimately, I always come to the same conclusion: I’m so glad I’m not a parent, bc even though I am strongly opinionated about the subject, I can see how challenging it can be. There are just so many damn moving parts. I mean, cultural influences, societal influences, peer pressure, trends and norms… Then on top of that, what is your child’s personality? gender? birth order? etc. See? Too many damn factors.

Obviously, I have a shit ton of feedback on how my parents raised my brother and me. I’ve already written about it numerous times over the years. You’d think I’d be totally talked out about it after four long decades. Yet every time the topic of my family comes up, my friends and relatives make comments like, “I just can’t believe how different you and your brother are, coming from the same parents.” It’s true: Johnny and I ARE dramatically different in many ways. For example: I move fast; he moves slow. I like to take action; he likes to think deeply and proceed cautiously. I hate anything abstract or philosophical. He can spend days debating things for the sake of mental exercise… But really what complicates things is that he’s not someone who you can immediately accuse of being off his rocker. In fact, every time I hear him speak in person, I’m always struck by his intelligence and articulation of various topics. He’s always been extremely well-read and scholarly. When he talks about teaching at the university, the passion for his work and for his students is apparent. And most things he says related to these topics makes sense, so how can you not get on board with that?

And yet, he’s also so far-fetched in other regards. It’s a bit of a conundrum, to be honest. He sounds so normal and yet, he is so freaking off the wall. Like the whole religious cult thing… he continues to be a part of that bullshit scam. I mean, any program where there’s one dominant force (aka “the master”), I am immediately distrustful and turned off… Think David Koresh or Bagwan or whatever that new LA cult was where people at the top raped young girls. Any kind of funnel/pyramid setup like that is super sketch… Yet, he’s a part of that cult where he talks trustingly about his master like the dude is infallible and omniscient. It’s super annoying. And the hypocrisy just drives me up the wall. All this bogus talk about loving one another “bc we are all human”. Meanwhile, my brother is a total disrespectful ass to my parents.

This time in Taiwan, my dad took eight of us on a private shuttle tour in northern Taiwan. My mother was supposed to go but she caught a cold and had to bail the the day before. Anyway, my brother was of course invited to join. My aunts tried to contact and coordinate with him many days in advance. No one could get a hold of him bc he doesn’t answer calls and messages. So he shows up and every time there’s a meeting time for the group, he’s the last one to show. If we met for breakfast or a group walk to the beach, he slept in instead. Also. he’s currently on some ketogenic diet or whatever: all he can eat is eggs and cheese. No carbs. I mean, WTF is wrong with you? And his whole argument is that on this diet, he has way more energy and no more lethargy. He claims that giving in to cravings and immediate pleasures is not worth the toll on his health. Wow, how disciplined of you. Um, ok. Kudos to you for demonstrating such self control. I mean, I was vegetarian for 7-8 years. If you have some reason to change your diet, fine. Go ahead. But if you now supposedly have all this energy, why are you sleeping in and not participating with the rest of the group?

And then, the weather was super shitty– pouring rain and windy. We went to a bunch of landmarks and tourist spots up in the mountains where there were a lot of steps and we had to use umbrellas to shield us from the wind and rain. While my cousin was holding his father’s hand to help him up the incline, my aunt asked my brother to do the same and help my dad. My brother’s reply? “Everyone should walk their own path.” Is that the kind of compassion the Master teaches you? You do nothing except show up for the trip and then you don’t even engage or participate. Well, fuck you. We could all do without your hypocritical proclamations. And for the record, you aren’t doing us any favors by showering us with your presence. Ugh.

At the start of this trip, I vowed to be civil to my brother. I’m sure no one is surprised that I CANNOT STAND my brother. Even though I can acknowledge his special kind of intelligence, everything about his person irks the living shit out of me– the fact that he’s so easily swayed by con men, the insistence that what he believes/claims is legit or real, the selfishness, the lack of responsiveness, punctuality, responsibility… but my family always gives me crap about not being nicer to him, not being sisterly. They have some stupid idea or wish that somehow I will be able to serve as a positive influence who will help him change his ways. I know, their wishful thinking is so damn unrealistic..

“You only have one brother,” they always say. Yeah, well I wish I had none. I know this sounds heartless and crass, but it is what it is. Let’s stop playing charades. Sure, we had some good times as kids. But pretty much from college and onward, he’s been a self-centered, unhelpful, immature shithead. It might not be kosher for parents to admit regret for having kids, but I sure as hell feel regret for myself AND my family about my brother. He’s really quite useless, and I have argued with my family for an entire lifetime about him. Seriously, it should be no fucking surprise that I am childfree precisely bc of what I have witnessed regarding my brother. So many arguments and fights with my parents.

And in true Chinese fashion, there is always someone and something to blame. Yes, my parents put a lot of pressure on him. He is the eldest son of the eldest son. That comes with a lot of baggage. My dad also worked a lot and wasn’t around much. His job was super stressful and he had anger issues that at times, he displaced onto us. My parents enabled my brother by coddling him to the point that he never needed to be responsible for anything. It’s a gigantic mess and at some point, even if we identify all the culprits, what then? I dunno really. But that is the Chinese way. And that is my family’s way. In my later adult years, I’ve tried to let it go: sourcing the blame doesn’t change the end result.

Before this trip to Taiwan, I told John that every time I see my brother, I can’t help but feel anger towards my parents for this predicament. I mean, yes, he’s a working, white-collar, 40-something professional. He’s great at teaching. But he’s still a total moron. He cannot be relied on for anything. He just lives for himself and his cult cronies. And whenever my family complains about him not getting married or not having kids, I just get so fucking irritated. Hello, open your goddamn eyes! Just bc you want a legacy doesn’t mean some woman should suffer by marrying a man-child or a child should suffer by having a lame, unreliable, irresponsible father. You know? Why are you hoping for the demise of two other people just so you can claim an heir to the family line? Whatever, I’m getting heated about all this shit all over again.

The point is, ahead of this trip, I was lamenting to John about how I still feel so much rage towards my parents about what my brother has become. And now, mom has Alzhimer’s. So what’s the point in feeling anger about this? Zippy. I dunno. I’ve said this before: I’m a flawed person. My propensity for accountability means that I blame people and things, and then I just don’t let go.

I admitted to this: I just keep punishing my parents for their parenting mistakes. And John replied, “But you’re not just punishing them: you’re punishing everyone, including yourself. And for how long?” So I vowed this trip to be civil towards my brother. Just bite my tongue and don’t start any fights. For whom? I don’t even know. Maybe just for my parents to save face. So other people don’t have to see our family drama. I dunno. As John explains, as adults we do all sorts of things we don’t want to do. You behave bc that is what your parents want– for their two kids to get along. Fine.

I don’t think anyone had any high hopes for my intent to stay calm. As you know, I’m a radical honesty kind of person. It’s not my natural way to keep quiet and to be non-confrontational, esp over things that really get under my skin. But I am also a person of control. And I am an adult in my 40s now. So I got it done. With the help of Bubbey the buffer, of course. Thankfully, my brother didn’t get into his pro-Trump MAGA bullshit that he so often posts on social media. And in the end, even if my interactions with him were forced and insincere, I suppose my family appreciated that the road trip was free of blowups. That was the best I could do… that’s right: Service withOUT a smile… VG style.

Moving forward, I don’t have any expectations for my brother. He will continue to be a brain-washed, self-absorbed person. For example, I went to see my grandmother. I fly back to Taiwan every year to see my grandparents. About two sentences in, she asks if I have seen my brother. He lives in Taipei– a few hours away by train. She hasn’t seen him in a long while. Then, my mother caught a cold and wasn’t able to go no the road trip. Did he call to see how she was doing? Nope. Didn’t care one iota that she couldn’t make the trip. She was the whole reason he was even invited!

She was also recently diagnosed with a heart problem. She was slated for a procedure at the hospital this week. It required her to stay in the hospital for two days. Where was my brother? No where. Just doing his own damn thing: no call, nothing. Meanwhile, my cousins, aunts, extended family, all went to the hospital to see her. That’s what I’m talking about.

I admit, the Chinese def go overboard with their whole Confucian concept of filial piety. It’s a term you hear a ton in Chinese families– I’ve been hearing this since I was a very young child. In essence, it translates as love/respect for your parents and elders. And in the pratical sense, it means not talking back, not raising your voice, not losing your temper, being thoughtful and considerate and in service, including bringing your dad slippers after a long day of work (my cousin used to do this for her father and my aunt advised me to do the same— I never did). I mean, Confucius is a bit cray. He takes it to an extreme where the hierarchy is also very sexist, but it’s a very very strong cultural force. It explains too why there is so much pressure in my family to have my brother marry. By not continuing the family line, this is seen as a failure on my father’s part to his own father (my grandfather), so the pressure and disappointment is definitely Level 10.

Anyway, I don’t want to drone on and on, but I do feel like expectations is the bane to all Chinese families. By many measures, I am a failure to my parents. I never became a physician despite the privilege and opportunity provided by my family. I didn’t have kids. I talk back. I cuss. I lose my temper. I raise my voice. I don’t connect with my parents that often. The irony is that John, despite being white, so much more effectively embodies this Confucian concept of filial piety– not in the outdated sexist sense but certainly in the modern sense. He keeps his cool. He is patient, caring, and kind. He does what is right– not out of obligation, but out of genuine respect and love. What can I say: I am limited and I have my weaknesses. Thankfully, Bubbey shows me the way, guiding by example and love.

Crash Boom Bang

There’s a first time for everything. After a long and busy day at my open house in Santa Clara, I came home to a lovely meal of lamb chops. The dinner was just what I needed– flavorful and cooked to perfection.

In the middle of the night, I awoke with a gurgling belly. I went to the bathroom thinking something must not be sitting right in my stomach. I felt severe stomach cramping and then I was lightheaded and kinda sweaty. I decided a glass of water would help. The last thing I remember is stepping out of the bathroom. The very next memory is waking up with my face on the floor and my right hand hurting very badly. Yup, crash, boom, bang and just like that I had fainted and collapsed in the hallway. John, who typically sleeps through EVERYTHING, thankfully heard the commotion and found me face down in a pool of blood in the hallway. Meanwhile, Bentley? Totally clueless. Thanks for saving the day, Lassie.

John got me up, I went to the bathroom, and then I immediately felt better. My chin got busted open and it looked like what you would imagine the ground to do after an earthquake. Just a huge crack. We applied some pressure to my face. Meanwhile, my right hand was throbbing, my right shoulder was sore, and my right eye was feeling bruised. I have no earthly clue how the heck I fell in the hall. There are no chairs or stools or anything and somehow I managed to bust up the most random parts of my body. John determined we would need stitches for my face– I mean, it was like an inch-long crack. He called the advice nurse and they recommended we go to the ER bc I had been unconscious.

So about 3am, we’re off to the ER. I tell the story to the staff: had dinner, woke up in the middle of the night with a tummy ache, went to get a glass of water, and collapsed. Uh huh. The doc decided to run a shit ton of tests: xray for my hand, blood work, EKG, CT scan… we were getting worried. I mean, seriously. What kind of 40-something gets a tummy ache and loses consciousness? Makes no sense.

Thankfully, the docs at Kaiser are amazing. I mean, I know people like to knock HMOs, but I have always had a great experiences with KP. Efficient, competent, good bedside manner. Tests all came back normal. The doc stitched up my face. I was being a total vain beotch, asking if she should use superglue instead of stitches… she assured me stitches were the way to go. I walked out of the ER around 6 AM. And I still wanted to host my Sunday afternoon open house. I know, I’m fricking crazy. But with all the bruising setting in, J made me call it off. It was ridiculous too explaining to the list agent and loan officer what had happened. What a bizarre story.

A few days later, I hit up my primary care physician. This lady is a kindred spirit. Every illness i have had, she has ALSO had. I think we’re about the same age too. So many times, I was convinced something was wrong with me or my immune system and every single time, she looked at my test results and reassured me that I was just tired or rundown and got exposed to the germs. I mean, if you don’t believe me: I have had shingles, H1N1, walking pneumonia, the cold/flu for 2 months, and now this. WTF, right? Well she reviewed all the tests. Her answer? This has happened to her. It’s called vasovagal syncope. Basically, when the organs start cramping, the body thinks something is going down. Either it responds with the flight/fight adrenaline rush or it shuts down by immediately lowering the blood pressure. Apparently, when I felt dizzy and lightheaded, I should have just gotten down. Instead, I tried to be a busy-ass body and go to the kitchen to get some water. Blood pressure dropped and I knocked out. And on the way down, I got busted up. So the good news is that everything is normal. The stitches came out a week later and now I’m putting pricey scar cream on this shit twice a day. I’m so vain. Thankfully, it’s right at my jawline and not super visible. As for my black eye, I gotta give a shout out to the power of makeup. People had no idea about my yellow/blue bruising and soreness. They only saw the stitches– the hairs on my chin as I called them. Now things are back to normal and I’m back in the grind. The final lesson? Feeling sick/nauseous/crampy? Get the f down!!