Category Archives: Getting Shit Done

Moving Fast

Things have felt super accelerated lately. Somehow, something has lit a new fire under my ass, and I dunno: I’m just really hitting the pavement hard these days. Like even harder than normal. Earlier this week, I cleaned the house: vacuumed, floor mopped, dusted, wiped down the surfaces, did laundry… I’m pretty sure my inability to sit still is what saves me from spilling too far beyond that +/- 5 lb. zone. Yeah, the flabby arms are still an issue, but shit, that’s a story for another day.

Anyway, two days ago, I read an article on Mashable about virtual companies, and whadya know? The piece turned me on to a new nonprofit tech consulting firm… one I didn’t know about previously (and my list is pretty long!). So immediately, I looked that company up on LinkedIn (my favorite online job tool EVER), and holy crap, they are hiring project managers, AND one of their staff lives in the Bay Area.!! So, I browsed around the company site, read up on some of her background and professional materials and introduced myself via email. Voila, we’re meeting for coffee next Tuesday. Yup, I’m taking this shit on fast. track.

Sure, part of me likes to take all the credit: my intro message is pretty damn kickass and compelling. That said, I also kinda know better. People who work in the social good sector (doing mission-based work) are just a different breed I think. They are so genuinely nice and gracious. They’re out there to save the world, and when someone (even a stranger) reaches out, they more often than not, respond nicely. And thank goodness for me, right?? I also noticed that this lady’s master’s degree is in women and gender studies, so that’s even doubly cool– a fellow feminist! I’m really excited to meet her. Fingers crossed!! Incidentally, the omniscience of LinkedIn also revealed that she has a co-worker in Durham, NC. Yup, that’s my next step: I’ll be contacting THAT lady for a meetup when I’m at Duke next month. Two birds, one stone, baby!

What else. This week I applied to a corporate citizenship gig up in San Mateo. I’ve got a call with someone who works in that department tomorrow morning. It’s a quasi-info interview plus I’m going to ask him about the gig. In preparation for the call, I watched a webinar he delivered in April about constituent relationship management platforms and got up to speed on his professional background. Gotta do my homework and all… Goodness, with all this “cold calling” and meetups with strangers, I might as well go into sales, don’t you think??

I attribute some of this recent motivation to those tv ads about Tony Robbins. Have you seen? He’s coming to San Jose next month for his Unleash the Power Within weekend workshop. Truth be told, I never wanted to like this leadership guru. I mean, what the fuck? So much hype, and really? Unleash the Power Within??? Come on!! But, a friend of mine attended his workshops, and now I’ve watched several of his videos… The guy is pretty. damn. convincing. If I weren’t so fucking cheap, I’d probably even go to his workshop!! He just has this palpable, contagious charisma, and I can really see how people get sucked in. I remember, two years ago I attended a conference where I met people who had attended his workshop. They were noticeably different from the other attendees… there was just a kind of vitality inside. Sometimes people say those programs are cult-like, but to me, who really cares what it is, so long as the people feel alive and energized to be better and to live better. Wouldn’t all of us benefit more from people getting out of autopilot to live with greater passion and intention?

I know, I need to start pacing myself with all these activities and events. I’m gonna skip out on Tony Robbins this time: instead, I’ve downloaded his free e-book. 🙂 I can’t be stopped!!! Muhahaha.

Do what you have to do
to be the person you want to be
who’s living the life you want to live

Do you like that? I wrote it myself. Well, I guess I paraphrased from lots of sources, actually. Whatever. The bottom line? Tony Robbins reminds me to dream big and to keep pluggin’.

Worn Out

I have a feeling I’m going to be a bit moody this week. This morning, I received notice that I didn’t proceed to the next round for a county job, for which I interviewed last week. I am realizing that my intuition is surprisingly accurate: I didn’t have a great gut feeling about the panel interview: I didn’t sell myself as well as I had in the past. It’s all good. I’s already been feeling a little bit like government culture isn’t the best match for me… Still, my competitive streak wishes I would have advanced in the game… you know, kept all the options on the table with only me to take them off. Ah well, cut my losses I suppose.

I was in SF this morning for another informational interview. I continue to meet really cool people, and goddamn, whoever invented this info interview concept is genius. I mean, really. It is so much more informative regarding culture and fit– which matters more to me than nearly all else. Today was my first time visiting a co-working space: my sense is actually that the environment is potentially distracting. I dunno.

Interestingly, when I registered at the reception, the dude complimented my red F21 pleather jacket. Haha. He said it channeled Michael Jackson. Not a fan of the MJ, but I am a fan of compliments. Made me happy. That little jacket… best $45 ever spent in terms of attracting attention. The guys love it for some reason.

So after my meeting, I schlepped all over the city: I ran some errands at the mall and then figured I would clock in some steps by skipping BART and hopping directly onto Caltrain. Road construction and several pedestrian detours later, I found that I had missed the train and goddamn, it was a windy day. I made a pitstop at Panera because by then, I was windblown, starving, tired (my bag had started digging into my shoulders), and sweaty as hell. I plunked all my shit down at a table, and my entire back was wet from sweat. Ugh, disgusting. And I suddenly felt so deflated. When am I going to find my place– not just job-wise but world-wise? I try to keep my spirits up, but lately, I’ve really wondered whether I am made for this world. I mean, don’t freak out: I’m not talking death or anything but geez, why is this process taking so long? And even though my life is relatively easy, why do so many things feel so hard? Like all this hustling. And then to maintain all the outward appearances too? Like looking professional and polished and shit. So much work!!

I mean, I didn’t even wear my fancy shoes today. When I finally do bust those babies out, how the hell am I going to shuttle in and out of the city while also carrying my load of crap? Someone really needs to invent beautiful TRULY COMFORTABLE, WALKABLE shoes that look swanky. For real. I mean, is the answer that I’m supposed to lug around my sneakers or flip flops and change?? Wtf??

Speaking of primping, I’m on another Pinterest kick, trying to get some new style inspiration and such. I recently came across contouring, and I am super fascinated. Admittedly, I have mild image issues, so this idea of “plastic surgery with makeup” is piquing my curiosity. Mostly, I’m drawn to the luminance: these women just have a glow… I think it’s pretty amazing, so I’m going to give it a try. Just got some bronzer today at Nordie Rack. Of course, John is skeptical. He thinks contouring may have great results for the camera, but maybe it’ll be too strong for real life. Well, beggars can’t be choosers: I would love to look fab in one realm or the other: real life OR on camera. Haha. The online tutorials make it look so ridiculously easy. I know. My self-projects are endless. Can’t help it. Sigh.

Sales, Sales, Sales!

I know I probably overuse the term “hustle” these day, but frankly, I can’t think of  a better verb. Really. I mean, I guess my coach says I’m “in action,” but I dunno, that doesn’t have enough punch and street cred to it, you know? Semantics. Anyway, I’ve been getting back into the bargain/deals transactions mode again… I know, as if I ever really went out of that mode. Whatever.

For our 11th wedding anniversary last month, John got me an iPad mini. I hate when he spends so money on things that I don’t really need, but in his defense, he had his reasons and he was very thoughtful: he was thinking that the light, small device would be handy, especially since I’m riding the train into SF so frequently to attend all these professional development events and trainings. So fine. I actually opened the box and broke the seal. I proceeded to set it up, and then well, when I went to the T-mobile site to register for the data plan, holy shit, T-mobile was running a promo, selling the device with wifi + cellular for the price of the device with wifi only!! Maybe that doesn’t sound like a big deal, but the difference is $130!! For reals.

So then, I went to the Apple store: I mean, who knew prices would vary so much from store to store, right?? I thought Apple was all about the uniform pricing!! So I talked to the reps, their higher ups: back and forth, back and forth (practicing my negotiation skills). They couldn’t accommodate me AT ALL. Not even store credit for the difference. Ugh. I was so annoyed.

Finally, one of the reps just said: If I were you, I’d just return the device to Apple and buy it again from T-mobile, because that’s a huge price difference. Ugh. Fine, so I did that; thankfully, the T-mobile store was the next block over. Except that they didn’t have the 32 GB version in stock: so they had to ship it out to me. Long story short, I got the same spec device… but a week later. Incidentally, T-mobile is running a promo for the remainder of 2014 where the tablet data plan is free. So John insists that I had to go through a gabillion steps with returning and then waiting…  but I still think it’s worth the price difference. Guess my time is a lot cheaper than his.

In other news, I just sold our old iPad on Ebay. Amazon was offering about $200 via trade-in, but the same device sold on Ebay for between $300-400! So of course, I got back on the Ebay wagon. Our item sold for $345, so better than Amazon, but not stellar. And again, it definitely involved more steps. Now I’m thinking: I’ve already re-entered the Ebay world of selling, so maybe setting up future bids won’t take as long since I’m now re-familiarized with everything. Who knows. Next possible contenders: my old iPod nano and my old laptop.

In related transactions news, I finally scored a pair of black wedges today, after searching for low-heel black shoes for weeks. I had scoured everywhere online and even ordered two pairs from Amazon. Goddamn, those shoes were butt ugly in real life. Today, I went into a DSW-type store after my training in the city, and voila, these patent black wedges are going to work beautifully. And unlike my leopard-print pumps, these babies should get pretty regular use, especially for all my city events.  I’m breaking them in this weekend, and then I’ll have an official verdict come Monday!

Professional Dev Update

OMFG. Thursday night already. Crazy talk. This week kicked off really well. I was in the city for an Intro to Salesforce training. I took the opportunity to contact one of the speakers for an info interview. He’s a rather higher upper too, and we’re going to meet for lunch  in June. Score!

I also reached out to some women from the Women’s Leadership Summit last week, including an Assistant City Manager and Deputy County Manager. Yup, I’m hitting the big dogs now. The Assistant City Manager was so kind and friendly in her reply too. I’m aiming high these days, and it feels really nice to get some response from busy people!

I caught up with my coach on Wednesday after a one-month hiatus. Last week, I had sent her a monster list of items I’d been working on… she says I’m in action even if I feel like April was a lost month. Yup, I guess that means I’m officially back on the wagon. I do feel like I’m hustling every damn day… even if there isn’t a job offer pot of gold there at the end of the rainbow yet. Maybe the rainbow is a lot bigger than I anticipated.

I had my County interview this morning. It went ok, but I was definitely a little disappointed. I dunno whether it was all the guidelines I got beforehand or what, but I was just a little off: not as sharp, specific, and on point with my responses. I guess we’ll see. I’m trying not to let my perfectionist/OCD side get the better of me after the fact. Ugh.

Oh, get this: while John and I were in Utah last Friday, I got a call from Duke. I made it off their wait list (just as I was ready to write the class off), and now I’m enrolled in their Nonprofit Management certificate program: it’s an 8-day intensive. Yippee!! I figure that at some point, I will work closely with nonprofits– whether that’s from the inside or consultant side, it doesn’t much matter: I’ll benefit a lot from understanding nonprofit operations better. I’m going to fly into Wilmington the weekend prior to visit my bud N, and then I’ll be studying full blast at my alma mater. I’m pretty excited. Already, I have spoken with several past students, and they all give rave reviews. I worry a bit about being away from home for that long, but I guess the boys will be ok.

Tomorrow I’m headed to the city again for another Foundation Center training. I tried to tie in some fun activities afterwards, but no one’s around really. Hmm, maybe I’ll finally touch base with my friend F again? I haven’t been in touch with her since her hubby C passed last year. Maybe I’ll shop for those elusive black flats/low wedges. I was so annoyed this evening, because two different shoes arrived via Amazon, and they are both shipping back tomorrow. Why are uber comfy, low-heel shoes (that are NOT boots)so damn ugly?? Also, when the hell am I going to bust out my awesome leopard-print heels? Yup, I got my priorities straight.

Nothing too excited planned for the upcoming weekend. Bubs and I are a bit pooped out, so maybe just some R&R.

Getting Back in the Game

Since we started this new month of May, I’ve been trying my darnedest to get my shit back together. For several weeks after Remy died, I had managed to appear outwardly fine and productive, but internally, I felt so sad and lost and unmotivated. But man, I had had enough of this downtrodden bullshit, and so I started telling my brain to get going again. Yes, I know, easier said than done– even if my mantra is “Mind over body.”

I resumed webinars and networking and social activities. I met up with my new BFF L last week. I was attending a tech meetup in SF, so we arranged to catch up beforehand for a quick dinner and a uke/harmonica jam. Turns out, he plays piano AND harmonica (which I actually have!). That’s the coolest thing about L: he’s pretty much game for anything. Random singing in a busy lunch spot? Fine. Bust out the uke and harmonica and cop a squat in Yerba Buena Gardens? Fine. Well, as it turned out, that day was hotter than hell, and I clocked a shitload of steps from Caltrain to our meeting spot across from the Gardens. And then the Gardens were totally blocked off to the public for some private MOMA event. Seriously? Then, he ran late due to work. I was thirsty as hell and really out of breath from all the walking (obviously, I’m totally out of shape now too). So we ended up grabbing drinks and appetizers at a local bar. But our conversation was great. He’s just one of those folks: we are just on the same wavelength. I’m getting to know him better, and I’m feeling good– like I’ve found another kindred spirit, and I’m optimistic that he’s a potential mentor. I remember in Sheryl Sandberg’s book, she talked a lot about how you don’t ever “ask” someone to become your mentor: it just happens. So I kinda have a feeling, but I guess I won’t be asking. We’ll have to see. But he talked about personality types (I didn’t even bring that up!) and leadership and nonprofit boards and communications… I felt really glad to have met him, especially given all the bullshit drama I’ve been feeling lately with some of my other friends. I mean, don’t misconstrue here: things are purely platonic, but damn, what a great feeling to make a new, easy, instant friend! I’m going to be in SF again next week, so we’re going to attempt another jam session. Haha.

In other news, my job hunt is going slowly but surely… The oral/written exam for the city at the end of April went fine. Pretty procedural. Thankfully, my round 2 interview was a lot more personable. I’m supposed to hear in a few weeks they say. And I’m also waiting to hear this week from an area county for a social media gig. Yeah, gov gigs but I’m still pushing the contract/unconventional job angle too…

Last weekend, I attended an anniversary celebration in Napa for Heifer International. A former coworker’s wife is an area manager for the org, and she introduced me to the executive VP of marketing. I was so stressed about my intro/elevator pitch in meeting the lady, but our conversation went great (not perfect, but better than expected), and I followed up this week with an email and LinkedIn connection. Tomorrow, I’m attending a Women’s Leadership Summit (I know, I am obsessed!!). I’m setting some new intentions to get my name out, pass around my biz cards, and hustle for contract communications/web gigs. We’ll see. I haven’t even figured out what I’m going to wear yet. Maybe my new dress with tights. Gotta be a power playa and all. I’m also considering busting out my new leopard print pumps!

Later this week, John and I are flying out to Vegas to hit a few national parks in Utah. Yeah, I’ve kinda been on a national parks kick lately. You know what they say: nature helps re-energize and rejuvenate, so that’s the plan. We’ve never been to Utah before. I got sucked in to their big marketing campaign on the Mighty 5 Parks. Love that website. We’re just hitting Zion and Bryce and then returning on Sunday. Weekend warriors. That’s the way we roll.

Comfortable with Feeling Uncomfortable

In a lot of my professional development and coaching work, there’s a phrase that comes up frequently: Learn to be comfortable with feeling uncomfortable. This concept has probably been THE theme of the last several months of my life. In the past, I had always prided myself for doing all kinds of self-help/self-improvement but honestly, these last several months have tested me at a totally different level.

At the end of April, I attended a training in SF on storytelling for nonprofits. The speaker was a very impressive woman with commanding presence. She was a former broadcast journalist who had started her own video production company, crafting video stories to help nonprofits promote their work. I had just busted my ass speed walking from the Caltrain station to arrive at the classroom on time, and within the first two minutes of starting the talk, she gave the audience an assignment. Think of a story you want to tell. Now split up into partners, and tell your story in two minutes.

Hold up!!! Are you fucking serious? Already, I’m being subjected to this socially awkward activity? Shit!! I mean, what story am I gonna tell? She gave us a whiteboard list of suggestions like, a pet story or a travel story or a relationship story or a funny story. Goddamnit, really? I thought of my blog: surely, I’d be able to draw from my recent posts…

Nope. Nada, because ALL of my posts from the last two months have been about Remy, and shit, there is no way I’m going to bring that up to a stranger and lose my marbles in the process. I started panicking. WTF??? Thankfully, the rational, calmer part of my brain started convincing myself: you say you’re interested in communications work. This is what that shit is all about. (In other words, serves you right, dumbass!!) Now, think fast and go!

Luckily, my partner was some old startup exec, who apparently had his startup story all ready to go at the tip of his tongue. So he volunteered to speak first. That bought me some time. He talked about attending a bunch of hackathons, cobbling together an unexpected/unlikely team of developers, and then forming a startup to solve some medical patient education issue. Done. I had wanted to use his talk time to plan my story, but I actually had to pay attention, so that plan totally fell through. Then it was my turn, and the only story I could think of that was NOT about Remy, was my airplane story with L. Ugh. I wasn’t really confident in that story, but I had zero time so I rolled with it. I got through the story and then sat back utterly relieved. Then, the speaker asks, “Who wants to share their story with the class?”

Whaaa?? Jesus Christ. Enough already!! Thankfully, a few extroverts piped up. Then, my partner volunteered to tell his story, which basically came across like a company plug. Then the speaker asked, “Who has a personal story to share? …Does anyone recommend their partner’s story?” OMFG, she’s a freaking insatiable badger!!! So I sit there thinking, whatever. I’m in the front row, but I’m not gonna volunteer, and my partner’s not gonna recommend me. Let’s just get through this and on to the meat of this talk. Well, whatdya fucking know? He recommends my story. Yeah. Are you kidding? So then, she urges me: “Come tell your story.” She senses my hesitation and then says, we won’t force you if you wish to decline. Well great. Give me an out that makes me look like a wuss!!! So fine. I agree to do it. She makes me stand up and turn around to face the room full of like 50 people. I power through. And all during, I get dead stares and bored faces. Shit, shit, shit!!! She rings the silly little bell at the two-minute mark, and I’m not even done! I finally wrap it up in 30 seconds. Fuck. I mean, I’m someone who “Elizabeth Doles” every speaking opportunity possible, so this on-the-fly crap was a complete nightmare. It was awful. I don’t even know if people liked my story, but whatever, I got ‘er done. And as perfectionist as I am (I still think about how I could have told the story better), in retrospect, I’m glad that I stood up and spoke. It didn’t kill me, and surely, as I do more of these uncomfortable exercises, I’m desensitizing myself to the annoying anxiety and awkwardness, right? I’m going to overcome that shit, because I cannot be inconvenienced, you know what I’m saying? 🙂

Pushing Through

Wow, really? Two weeks since my last post? Hmm. Well, a few days after I last wrote, I spoke with my dad again. I know, sometimes I’m a glutton for punishment, right? No, actually he had called to update me on the broken water heater for his DC condo. He had been gathering quotes for a new unit, and two of three came back around $1200. Then, he called a third plumber (recommended by a real estate friend), and that guy quoted $600. Yup, mondo difference. What’s the lesson? Ugh, I dunno: I mean, is there really a “range” for home improvement and construction projects? Seriously, my friends in Seattle are gathering quotes for a kitchen remodel. The range on that shit is like $10k to infinity. I mean, I get that appliances and materials can vary greatly with quality, brands, consumer/professional grade, etc. But STILL. An unbounded upper end?? Totally crazy and yet completely true. So yeah, dad called to brag about his cheapie bargain.

Afterwards, he kept asking how I was doing. “No really, how are you doing mentally and physically?” Ugh, why do you keep asking me? I’m fine: I’m doing my job hunting still! And every time I talk with you or mom, you stress me the fuck out! I’ve been reading all about the process: clarifying my values, my skills, my targets; I’m working with a coach; I’m networking, doing info interviews, putting myself out there: this is a full-court press… But you keep making me feel like I shouldn’t be so selective, that I should never have left my job in the first place, that I’m desperate for money, and I should therefore take ANYTHING! I have explained to you my situation: John and I are on the same page, and yet every time I speak to you, you just don’t get it.”

And I feel so much worse after I talk to my parents. So then, dad explained that he and mom have different life experiences that cause them to have a different perspective. But they trust that I know my situation best, and I will make the best decision for me. In the future, if they say something that doesn’t jive with me, I should just ignore it. Riight. I suppose that’s been the advice everyone else has given me: can’t I just listen and then let it go? Apparently, I can’t. I feel judged and doubted, and it throws me into a tizzy. I don’t know why I can’t just let it roll off my back. Maybe I have my own doubts, so when they question everything, all that internal strife just stirs the muck again. I dunno. John said he was glad that I talked to my dad about it. He said I even spoke in a calm way (ha!!). Of course, I haven’t talked to them since. I’m not angry at them. I just have nothing more to say. Shrug.

Meanwhile, I’m still working with A, my coach. Last week, I was supposed to write a Pain Letter, in the style of Liz Ryan, my latest idol. She’s this super sassy HR professional who started a company and column called The Human Workplace. I’m obsessed with her approach. That said, I just couldn’t get myself to draft the Pain Letter last week. I suppose partly, I was feeling like I needed some additional credentials under my belt before I pitched myself to my target (a tech consulting firm)… so this week, I’ve been taking a ton of webinars on philanthropy, grantseeking, grant writing, proposal budgeting, and the like. My goal is to draft the pain letter this week. We’ll see what happens. I’ve been feeling a little stuck these last few days.

On a positive note, I sent out three more info interview requests. So far, I heard back from one: she’s a grant writer for water.org, one of my fav long-time charities. We’re going to chat in April. I also circled back with my bud L (from the plane) and my contact at the Salesforce Foundation. I need to reach out to her contacts to learn more about the new marketing department at the Foundation. Interestingly, I got an email last week from C, the guy who works at the personality testing company in Mountain View. His timing was pretty crazy, because I had just jotted a note last week to check in with him!! We were last in touch before the new year! Now his company has two new job openings, and he thought of me!! I’m pretty excited. I’m going to apply– it’s a corpo branding job, but I’m keen on the opportunity. It could potentially be a dangerous concoction: unlimited access to personality/leadership assessments. Muhhaha!

What else. I went to a networking event on Tuesday, and the people I met convinced me to make a business card. This, after John and J had an entire conversation disparaging the antiquated use of biz cards. Oh well. If my target area is marketing and communications, that kind collateral matters, you know? So I just blew two days trying to create a card that would best “represent” me. Ugh. Yup, talk about OCDing on words. Even down to the job title and other slogans on the card… Seriously, how do I capitalize on all these messaging tools to convey my coolness, er desirability?? See why I’m stumped? Fuck man. I swear, everything in life goes back to trying to make a great impression and trying to be well liked. Pick me!! Be my friend!! It’s exhausting. I mean, on good days, I enjoy the challenge/gamification element of all this, but still. It’s a lot of frickin’ work. My brain is tired.

And on my down time I’ve been giving some thought lately to just how pervasive pain and struggles are to people everywhere. This L’Wren Scott suicide. The Paltrow-Martin divorce. Sorry to use examples from the cultural elite… I guess I’m just using them for simplicity’s sake. But yeah, people always say “You are not alone…” as if that’s supposed to offer some kind of consolation. I actually hate it when I discover how widespread and indiscriminate misery can be. I want more people to be happy; fewer people to be miserable! For example, one of my favorite bloggers… God, I love the way she writes. And from her Instagram and photos, she seems to have such a glamorous and fabulous badass life (especially well-deserved after such a shitty past). Every time I read her posts, I think to myself: “Goddamn: this girl’s got a super smart, good kid; a wonderfully supportive and understanding hubby; a stable/posh life; superb fashion sense; plus her killer writing… Life is good!!” And then, she reveals that 2013 was an especially difficult year for her, because her depression resurfaced. Say, what?? Part of me can’t help but feel sad: why can’t life be just as it appears? Is that naive of me?

Today I was thinking that I might write her. She lives in LA. Shit, thanks to all these info interviews, I apparently have zero qualms now about contacting strangers.

Self Doubt and Shame

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly things can change in less than 24 hours. I was feeling ok about the city job that didn’t pan out, and then last night, my parents called. And my dad wasn’t trying to make me feel bad, but he said something like, “It’s ok you didn’t get the job, but maybe next time you shouldn’t have so many conditions. Maybe next time you negotiate later.” When I told him about my info interviews and how I was meeting amazing people, he just asked, “Do they have job openings?”

John did have a similar comment about my timing with the city: maybe get the formal offer first and then once they have convinced themselves they want you, you’ll have better leverage. Because, even if they like you, if you are not the path of least resistance and on top of that, maybe you are overqualified for the job (They wanted 3-4 yrs of experience; I have closer to 8 yrs.), they just will pick the lower hanging fruit. After that, I really felt like I fucked it up. I mean, I had been reading all these things about having a “human-voiced resume” and just communicating with people honestly and reasonably… The interview process really is about you interviewing them as much as they are interviewing you. So I felt like voicing my concerns– asking about wiggle room on the rate and asking for a training/education budget and asking for time-off while my cousins would be in town from Taiwan– was fair. I wasn’t making demands, but I was asking for them to discuss it. But maybe they thought it was too much trouble. And so my parents’ comment just triggered an entire cascade of fears: that the longer I’m unemployed, the less marketable/worthy I will become…

John’s been working really hard lately, so he tried to comfort me after the call, but then he fell asleep. I started really beating myself up about the opportunity that I fucked up. So what if it was doing social media/government content, maybe it really could have evolved into something amazing…  Who do I think I am that I deserve to be so selective? Who do I think I am, like people should fight to hire me? I was suddenly so overwhelmed by these negative thoughts, and John was totally conked out.

I started grasping for all the coping techniques my coach told me about: I played the uke. I went for a walk. I kept telling myself that if I just wanted a job just to keep busy, what was the point of my entire process? The whole night, I just kept battling these negative thoughts back and forth. And then I reminded myself. I’ve been learning so much these past several months. I have pushed myself beyond my comfort zone so many times to learn and to grow. There are unconventional workplaces out there. Like Good.co… I just got an eblast from them this week about how to relight the flame at work, or if that doesn’t work, how to tell you need to leave. I was reminded of why I had left and what I’m now seeking. Sure, maybe no where is perfect but surely, there is something better. And so somehow, after a rather restless night, I have returned to recommitting to this process again. I have a fresh list of new people I want to contact, and I’m feeling more drawn now to the tech consulting path… I will still apply to a wide variety of opportunities, because to me, there is value in the exercise and you never really know what might crop up, but yeah, I won’t settle into stodgy, conservative ways of living and working just because I feel moments of shame and self doubt. When it comes down to survival, I will do what needs to be done, but for now, I still have choice and I choose to get back on the wagon and stay the course.

Sticking with the Program

I’ve been feeling pretty good these days– mostly. And yes, I still credit the 7-Minute Workout. Job-wise, I’ve had a couple of setbacks. One of the family foundations turned me down last week. I was pretty bummed about it, because the content felt totally up my alley, plus I had a contact there. But it was a no-go. I kinda had some doubts after the phone interview, to be honest. Then this morning, I received a rejection email for a city social media job. It was kinda an underdog, because I wasn’t really intending to return to government work, but then I met the people and really liked them. I actually thought the interviews went phenomenally, but I dunno: it didn’t pan out. The good news is that my competitive side isn’t so hardcore that I’m completely crushed. I mean, I’m definitely an “in it to win it” kind of person, and so a part of me wonders what I could have done differently to change the outcome. Maybe it really was something small– an error with my timing, wording, language, etc. With the foundation gig, I emailed the director asking for feedback. Nothing. I did the same with the city. Probably nothing. It’s really too bad– kinda again shows the lack of humanity in the whole recruitment process, if you ask me. Anyway, moving on.

I am finding that dealing with rejection does build resiliency, so I guess that’s the silver lining in all of this. John likens job hunting to sales: so much of it is about the numbers. You really have to knock on a shitload of doors, have them slammed in your face, and then eventually, you score a win. My coach asks if I can trust the process and understand that this only means there is something bigger and better out there for me… I waver back and forth really, but even if I have my doubts, I have no choice but to carry on.

So, I’m still doing info interviews like crazy. I’ve done about 25 of them now. Super helpful. I’m meeting tons of incredible women. I think I’ve fine-tuned my ask now to the point of being pretty damn compelling. People hardly say no to me now. Muhahah. Seriously, I sought out five strangers recently, and they all agreed to meet!! In fact, today, the lady invited me to her fancy campus to have lunch. She said she gets tons of requests, and she just recently did six info interviews. From my email request to my face-to-face meeting, she said her experience with me really stood out above and beyond the rest. From the way I crafted my letter to the research that I did ahead of time to the type of questions I asked… she’s a Ph.D. in writing and rhetoric too, so her compliments definitely made me feel better given the earlier crap news.

What else. I finished my Coursera class on How to Change the World. The prof was so charismatic and inspiring, I think I developed a mild crush even. Haha. I’m still doing a lot of learning, reading, and research. I pretty much get inspired every damn day now that I’m living with intention and you know, doing all that hippy dippy “ask the universe” shit.

Setting Intentions

The last few weeks have really illustrated to me the power of setting intentions. As you know, in early February, I started working with a coach, specifically for my job hunt. Honestly, I was very skeptical and reluctant in the beginning, but holy shit, I can truthfully say, big things have happened since. First, I can’t even express how debilitating my catastrophic thinking had become. It was still in fits and spurts, but man, when it came on, it was paralyzing. I still believe so strongly that my year-end sickness/depression/funk were all attributed to my poor mental state. Learning to re-train my brain a bit in how it reacts and responds to negative thoughts has been a total game-changer. Second, there is really something powerful about accountability. I mean, I consider myself a fairly disciplined person. There are some exceptions, but generally, when I say I’m going to do something, I follow through. With coaching, we establish a list of intentions (action items) every week, and I have to say, even with my discipline, there have been weeks where I came close to NOT completing my action items. Were I on my own, those items would’ve just moved to the following week. But with my coach, a few days before my next call, I go through my list and really force myself to get it done– almost like a homework assignment or something. The pressure of calling her and saying that I didn’t finish my homework from the previous week is so great that I will work on those info interview requests late into the night. No matter what, I meet that deadline. Third, the power of intention. Really. Who the fuck knew? In the last several months, I’ve been going to networking events, trainings, and conferences pretty regularly. As someone who used to have extreme social anxiety, I felt like I had pretty much conquered that limitation years ago. So my mere attendance at these events was already many small victories in and of themselves. But my coach asked me, “Do you want to set an intention for this upcoming tech meetup? or this conference?” Say what? Wasn’t it enough that I was going? Nope. By her question, I realized that I had gotten complacent with these events. I thought just showing up was sufficient for getting what I needed out of these things, but that wasn’t true. There was so much more there. So for the first tech meetup, I set an intention to 1) ask questions publicly during the talk and 2) make a real acquaintance. I talked to a lady who did communications work for Sierra Club. Super cool chick– someone I hope to see again at the next meeting. Not immediately useful per se, but she was a learner with really good political savvy, which I found insightful. Second, I managed to ask TWO questions during the talk. It was weird, but by going in with the intention of asking questions, it really kinda forced me to listen better and to concentrate, and it was really kind of liberating to get over that intimidation and just get involved in the discussion. So different!

So then yesterday, I went to a women’s leadership conference. I hadn’t really set an intention for it other than to go, learn, and be inspired. But over lunch, my friend L asked what I was wanting to get out of the event. And it just reminded me that really, I should have set an intention beforehand. So after lunch, I thought yes, I really should make some contacts. When I got back, I happened to sit next to one of the morning session panelists– a former journalism professor and current communications head at LinkedIn. She was a sharp lady who had a lot of really good points in the discussion. Just as she got up to leave, we made eye contact and then, I talked with her (again, not my usual MO). We only exchanged a few lines, but I thanked her for the session and said I really admired her courage in transitioning from tenured journalism prof to comms work at a startup. It must have been scary but also exhilarating. And then I gushed a bit about LinkedIn and how much I use it… Late last night, I sent her a connection request and bam! Now we’re connected, and I even think I would feel comfortable and confident enough to contact her again to do lunch. See? Isn’t that just crazy? For me, this is so in line with what I’ve been reading about with networking and connections… And yet I see now how I really had been holding myself back for so long without even realizing. I mean, I talk so much about how much relationships matter to me, how much communications matter and yet, I had already erected so many walls thinking that these humans wouldn’t want to interact with me because of xyz. But isn’t communications all about transcending those barriers? In my interviews, I talk so much about using tech to give sterile agencies and organizations an authentic, human voice to connect people both online AND offline because at the end of it all, progress and collaboration need real human connection.

I will always have a preference for written communication, and I will continue to feel reluctance and doubt and nervousness with strangers, but at least now I feel confident enough to move forward face-to-face anyway. And that’s been surprisingly liberating.