Author Archives: Vicky

Longevity Trumps All

When I went back to Taiwan this year, my father demonstrated a renewed sense of interest in self care. After his two bouts of sickness/sepsis last year, he now has kidney disease and is obsessed with doing what he can to avoid dialysis.

It’s nice to see a focus now on diet and exercise also with the intention of keeping his diabetes in check, but I realized that this bizarre obsession is more about on longevity than anything even remotely related to enjoyment or quality of life. My paternal grandfather was rather similar in his sort of militaristic routine regarding his diet and exercise: he did his calisthenics, it was more about the number of reps than about being outside to enjoy the sunshine and fresh air. Maybe it’s all moot anyway… so long as the activities are done, there will be benefits one way or the other.

My father insists that due to his kidney disease, he can no longer get vaccines and boosters, so he feels especially vulnerable. For most people, I find they take precautions to minimize risk but the intention isn’t to live in a damn bubble so you never catch anything at all… Apparently, my father is in the latter category now, paranoid to the point of not really even leaving the house. Even for his exercises, he does them inside or upstairs on the rooftop terrace where he just walks in small 40ft loops. So unnecessarily cloistered, considering one of the city’s largest parks is just a stone’s throw away.

Whatever. From last year, dad has also made many dietary changes to combat the diabetes and high blood pressure. My brother of course considers himself a health expert/savant, so he is always emailing and feeding dad his unsolicited advice and propaganda. The household no longer cooks with olive oil, and my parents don’t consume flour either. I was turned off my the extremity of these changes… but my dad says his diabetes is better. He doesn’t notice any difference from cutting out flour, but he will continue with the regimen, bc he’s is ascetic that way. Needless to say, everyone in the household is now on this special diet targeting diabetes and kidney disease. I guess it was not a bad thing to change up my diet for a few days and consume more veggies, fish, soup, and lighter fare.

Overall, I will say the trip was a success. I got annoyed a few times with my dad bc he’s a control freak but other than that, there was a decent balance of forced rest aka covid quarantine, tech support, time with mom, self exploration, and visits with my cousins.

I was really proud of myself too for finding massage spots and spas and doing a lot of waking. My face was a total inflamed mess, but I did find a nice acne facialist and I am going to give her products a try.

There’s a lot about my family that feels too traditional and outdated. My aunt is still obsessing about the cousins who are unmarried. Remnant dreams of my grandfather kept being brought up even though he passed away years ago. I often wish my family would just get with the times and be more modern in their attitude and approach, but goddamn, they really are traditional and stubborn as hell. I mean, wasn’t there some recent census/stat saying half of all couples don’t have kids. It’s not like that’s a new concept. Get the fuck over it already.

This is partly why I won’t ever live in Taiwan. I can’t deal with all the conservative attitudes in my family plus the collective mentality. Oh hell no, folks. Stay in your frickin lane.

Pre-Travel Anxiety

Every year, in the weeks leading up to my annual trip to Taiwan, the dread starts to set in. It’s almost part of the entire routine and ritual now… a foreboding precursor before I meet my parents again. For some reason, the anxiety felt a little heavier this time. I suspect the weight of it had something to do with me feeling more accepting of my personal limitations and shortcomings. Is it self-acceptance, or is it more an acquiescence or resignation even? I’m not sure, but this time I felt a real fear of losing my temper with them.

In the past, my rage would unfurl at the drop of a pin, with an intensity that took no prisoners. But now that I’m older and their fragility is so much more apparent, I really want to keep my cool and composure. I know the triggers run deep, but I have to do better.

So in my typical fashion, ahead of the visit, I spent time planning logistics: what items needed to be brought back (printer cartridges, new phones, gifts), what gifts to take, what activities to schedule, tasks in advance and during, who to see, where to go, yada, yada. Due to J’s work schedule and Bentley care (always an issue), I was going solo this time, and the 11 days was going to be an eternity.

For most people, that doesn’t sound like an exorbitant amount of time, but keep in mind, I do not even vacation for longer than 5-7 days. Yes, I am that fucking uptight. I think I’ve gone on maybe only two or three trips with J that went longer than 8 days. Needless to say, I was concerned (as were many of my friends) about this duration with my family. In preparation, I scheduled two therapy sessions plus a pedicure and a massage… all to get my bucket topped up. Sure, there were stressors and the usual bullshit that arose at work, but I really tried my damnedest to be in optimal form.

Then, mistake 1: I decided to get my relatives some last-minute gifts necessitating a trip to the mall DURING HOLIDAY SEASON. High risk behavior. Fucking A. Mistake 2: J started exhibiting symptoms but we didn’t give it too much thought, bc he’d been having asthma issues for a bit. Mistake 3: I booked a Thanksgiving week flight– bursting at the damn seams.

And so my journey began… 22-freaking-hrs door-to-door. The flight itself, as I mentioned being the week of Thanksgiving, was of course crazy. Maxed out. The airline kept dangling promos asking passengers to volunteer getting bumped. Despite my propensity for dealios, I resisted. I tried to make the best of a long haul.

Immediately on touchdown, J informed me he tested positive for Covid. Great. Nothing to do about it now, so I hopped the metro, train, and car ride to my parents’ home in Kaohsiung, I didn’t feel so hot on arrival– sniffly nose, burning eyes, headache… then again, I had just traveled for 22 hrs. I took the test. Negative.

In true task master fashion, I very quickly unveiled to Dad my newest strategy for giving him autonomy and control over his matters (Google Fi phone). He gave it a few test runs and after I got his printer back online and working again (you have NO idea how damn buggy all his tech is), he was back in business printing out statements and paperwork– happy as a clam.

A few hours later, I was in bed though, and the fever started ramping up. Yup, an awful start to the dreaded trip. To be candid, I def didn’t do my body any favors with all the pre-trip anxiety and worry. The day after arrival, I knew I was sick… for the first time since 2019 if you can imagine! The test came back a solid positive. Coughing, fever, congestion.

I will say, thankfully, it’s not the sickest I’ve ever been and for that, I am thankful to have received the recent boosters in late October. I’m now in Day 4 of a 5-day quarantine, aka a “forced rest.” Clearly, I’m not good at letting my body take a break. I need to learn some new healthy habits pronto.

The Drama Triangle

I have a friend from my childhood who’s always been flakey. There were long stretches where she would float in and out of engagement. This behavior has always irked me. Not just from her, but from anybody. My brother pulled this shit when he headed off to college. I saw him behave like this with myself (we were actually close then) and his friends who always seemed to be the ones initiating, reaching out, checking in, making any effort. As J and I got older, we drifted away for many reasons but pretty much, we have been estranged since 2003 when he was living in our townhouse as a roommate, took a trip to Taiwan, and then never came back (leaving all his shit in my house).

I’m sure every person has some explanation for their behavior… I realized though that I don’t want to make space and time and energy for someone who is unreliable, undependable, and frankly unhelpful. All these years later, J is not only UNHELPFUL, he is an active saboteur. But back to my friend.

She has other reasons for the flakiness, and actually, I learned a long time ago that this was going to be an unbalanced relationship… one in which, I would be ignored and ghosted for long periods of time until there was a sudden and urgent need for help. In the past, I subscribed to this idea that “with privilege comes responsibility.” She had her struggles, and I always seemed to be in a position where I could help. So I did. But after multiple iterations of this stressful cycle over several decades, I’ve grown tired.

Now she’s supposedly back in the “re-engaging” phase, and I’m being brought in again to hear all the health and relationship dramas and issues. I’m done with this bullshit.

In my last call with my therapist, she introduced me to the idea of the Drama Triangle, where there are three players: the victim, the perpetrator, and the hero/rescuer. The interesting thing is that the roles can change and swap. But what I’ve realized now is that I no longer have empathy and compassion for the victim scenarios. I am not interested in being pulled into the Drama Triangle. I’m done serving as the rescuer who is “on call” whenever help is needed. And at the end of the day, people must be responsible for themselves.

If I’m spending more time, energy, and resources trying to revolve your problems than you are, something is not right. I’ve learned this hard lesson through my clients as well (I can’t want to buy/win them a home more than they do), and now I see it more clearly with my friend.

In the past, I helped bc I tried to honor our history together. But now, I’m done. I’m tapped out and frankly, I don’t have the patience to listen anymore to grown adults who avoid taking ownership of their actions and who gloss over the consequences of their behavior. Excuses will only go so far.

Back from Bend

John and I recently returned from a seven-day trip to Bend, Oregon. His sister S is possibly contemplating a different lifestyle/environment, so she rented a month-long Airbnb in Bend, where a good friend of hers also lives.

I have to say, Bend has a LOT going for it. We were there in early September, so the weather was perfect, especially along the very scenic backdrop of a lake/mountain town. The population I’m told is around 120,000 which is decent, and as the city has grown markedly through the years, there is a lot of new construction– new retail, new facilities, shops, restaurants… it feels like a community where there is some mindfulness around its growth and development. And it’s small enough geographically that you don’t really have to contend with traffic congestion and any real urban sprawl.

I actually caught up a lot on sleep that week. All of us still worked and the Airbnb in many ways served as a coworking space with zoom meetings occurring in every bedroom, BUT it was a welcome and palpable change being able to step away from work midday and immediately hop on a bike trail riding along the Deschutes River. There was no leaving the house an hour ahead to account for travel time to the appointment.

I felt like the trip gave me a much-needed reminder that I do enjoy activities and being outdoors and doing things BESIDES sitting on my ass in front of the computer. I spent one afternoon at the roller-skating rink (new and gorgeous). Another afternoon riding our bikes. A third trying out an aerial silks (acrobatics) class (never again!). And yet another afternoon getting a foot massage and going kayaking. All this sprinkled in around several walks to/from downtown for dinners. It was a great experience re-imagining a different day-to-day routine and lifestyle.

On the downside, I will say, Bend is super white. A lot of Aryan nation-looking people. Not that they’re Nazis but just dayum, it was THAT homogenous. The stats say Asians comprise less than TWO PERCENT in Bend. It’s not that I’m uncomfortable around a mostly white population– I grew up in Frederick after all. But TWO percent is way small. And I still like to have my opportunities where I’m interacting with other Asians, speaking in Chinese.

In conclusion, the trip was a great vacation spot and respite. But after getting back home, I have to admit: I still love being in the Bay Area. Shrug. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. We’ll see what the verdict ends up being for my SIL.

Living Alone

Back in the day when I was in my younger years (my 30s), I remember that I had many friends who were single. I thought the world of all of them, and it just didn’t make sense to me that they hadn’t found a partner. Granted, I know not everyone yearns for a relationship… in these cases, my friends DID. They just hadn’t found the right match.

I remembered thinking to myself though: gosh, what gives? They’re smart, funny, accomplished, active… WTF? For some of them, in the years that followed, things eventually turned, and they got hitched!

For the others though, they’re still solo. And I wouldn’t say they’re fine with that status, but they also are not taking any action to change the situation. I guess here’s where my judgey personality starts to creep in. I mean, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: we only have one life. If you’re miserable, do SOMETHING about it. You might get fatigued, tired, and sick of trying. So take a damn break. But after that, seriously, what is the alternative? There is NO choice other than to plug along. So take a respite, focus on something else, and then come back to it. Goddamn, I feel like I’m talking to my parents, who perpetually wallow in misery.

The other thing is… If you’re an introvert, shit needs to be nipped in the bud. More alone time is not good bc it only exacerbates future social anxiety. And all along the way, you just become more and more rigid and inflexible and uncompromising.

I share this bc a decade ago, I was wondering how the hell are these friends still single? Now, I KNOW why they’re single. They’ve become hypersensitive to the point that they cannot interact with other people without getting all bent out of shape when something is expressed the “wrong” way. Look, nobody is perfect. Nobody is a mind reader. You can’t expect perfect execution on word choice and tone and delivery every. fricking. time you communicate with someone. If you do, then expect to be alone. It is what it is.

Dipping the Toes

I took a bit of a hiatus from the blog… work got busy and I dunno, I just got out the cadence of writing/blogging. I’m told too that no one blogs anymore. Turns out it’s too long of a medium (TLDR) or whatever. People don’t have time for your wordy bullshit. Whatevs. I’ve never been one to follow what’s trending anyway. For example, I got into SATC like ten years after the series started. Same with rollerblading. And I still wear my low-rise skinny jeans even though high-rise mom jeans are the thing. So sue me.

Anyway, the thing about my blog is that it’s more for me than for others anyhow. I happen to like having a collection or history of my life stories and experiences… and I enjoy the catharsis that comes from writing. It helps my brain process and declutter. So that’s why I’m jumping back in. I’ve missed it.

So let’s see: what’s happened since I last left. I’m still in real estate. My parents moved back to Taiwan full time around 2021. The last several months, business for me has been tough. Interest rates jumped from the low 3s to now 7s, and that’s certainly done a number on the slowbo buyers (my specialty) who took too much damn time trying to find THE perfect house or wanting to score THE perfect deal.

I dunno how I get stuck with these people. I’ve always been a very strong driver, where getting things done trumps all other things for me… so even though I relate very well to the careful and cautious, strong-attention-to-detail type of clients (trained up with my dad after all), they also drive me craaaazy. I try to be very blunt with them: I tell them this market isn’t for everyone. You’re not going to check off all the items on your wishlist. If you can’t move fast and accept a higher-than-normal level of risk, please have the sense to drop out and wait for a different market. Know yourself. Maybe that’s the problem though. People don’t really know themselves, I guess.

Needless to say, after many months of activity but limited wins, I was feeling incredibly tired and frustrated. A few weeks ago, I made a change. A new opportunity cropped up where my Chinese friend/agent partner split from her biz partner, and she needed someone to join her, especially on listings. Up until now, I was primarily working with buyers. In a competitive market though, where each home receives multiple offers, it’s tough to pull out the W. If you work the seller/listing side, you have a higher chance of closing the deal, bc the seller is the fixed side of the transaction. So, I made the move. It wasn’t easy bc I have a lot of loyalty to my former team and brokerage, but like I said, getting things done trumps all else in my book. So, despite the awkward and difficult conversations, I couldn’t be stopped.

Since the move, things have been swinging up. Part of it is that buyers are getting motivated again now that summer is coming to an end. The other part is that my new partner is very savvy and entrepreneurial. In the last ten days, I’ve had a lot of activity: listing appointments, new buyer consultations, offer submissions, a closing, etc. I’m back to feeling optimistic, if you can imagine that.

In other news, I am continuing with therapy. It’s cut back now to once a month, and I feel like my issues are pretty ingrained but the awareness helps and certainly, I appreciate having a sounding board. I am going back to brainspotting to see if that can help dislodge some of my deep-set thoughts/attitudes.

I am trying to be a little more balanced with my life too. It’s very hard for me to get out of my work mode/zone, but I am going on more trips/getaways. Nothing excessive– a weekend here, a few days for a trip to Bend over July Fourth holiday, etc. but it’s a bigger deal for me than you think. I am my father’s daughter after all.

The Kid Debate Rages On

Parents kill me with their demands and expectations on how their children should conduct and live their lives. I am no longer harassed about this in part due to the passing of my paternal grandfather, but it’s disappointing to see this issue featured on a recent advice column. What’s that saying, “Live and let live”?

Carolyn Hax: Would-be grandpa scoffs at couple’s choice to forgo kids – The Washington Post

Build a Fire

Excerpted from a LinkedIn post that resonates with me today:

As a young lawyer, when work was slow, I got nervous, anxious, and fixated on working harder to get busy again. Now, I take a different approach. I tell myself, “Build a fire”.

In law school, Professor, Chief Judge, and former Marine James Baker told a story: It was freezing during a winter live-fire exercise in Infantry Officer school. He and his fellow trainees were shivering and sullen.

During a lull, a Major walked up and barked, what are you doing?

Judge Baker yelled out, waiting for the enemy so we could attack.

The Major said, No, what are you doing freezing?? Build a fire!

Judge Baker built the fire. Soon the soldiers warmed up, rejuvenated, and returned to their ferocious selves more ready to charge ahead.

As a young, ambitious lawyer, work getting slow was worrying. Where would the next deal come from? Would I be slow forever? Would I hit my target hours? I focused on all the things I could to generate business. I would wrote articles, built my skills, networked, scheduled coffee meetings, and made myself busy. This was deeply hurtful to my wife. She had unconditionally supported me when I was busy, but how could I not focus on my relationship with her during work slow times? Regardless of my efforts and anxiety, the next deal always came and I exceeded my billable-hour targets each year. As the economy slows and private equity and venture capital activity decrease, a lot of younger corporate lawyers are biting their nails. Some have reached out to me asking, what should I do when I’m slow?

My response: build a fire.

Invest in the parts of you that you neglected during the busy times. Engage with people who love you. Do the hobbies that make you feel free and happy, and allow your mind to wander.

I deepen my connection to my wife and children. I go on hikes with them and breathe fresh air. I exercise more. I walk my goats to greener pastures and fix the chicken coop. I call my parents, my brothers, and friends that I long since neglected.

I stay up late laughing and sleep a bit later in the morning. Work will get busy again and when it does I will be a more energized, mentally healthy, and productive M&A lawyer.

Even though I love being an M&A lawyer, an M&A lawyer is not all I am. I have other parts of me that must be nurtured and cultivated.

When work is slow, let’s resist sprinting to the next goal post. Instead, stop and build a fire. You will be better for it.