My brother is back to living with my parents again. The cycle of dysfunction continues. And I’ve been struggling again with feelings of anger, resentment, and frustration dealing with and just thinking about my family. I was in Taiwan in mid September on a sudden trip for my father’s surgery. Basically, dad had no one to accompany him to his procedure in the capital (3 hrs from where he lives), so he had my brother go along and as you know, my brother is mentally ill AND opposed to all forms of western medicine/pharmaceuticals. Why on earth would you take someone who is essentially a Luigi Mangione to a hospital? So I booked a flight and went with him to keep my brother from meddling/sabotaging the medical care. I don’t have a permanent Taiwan phone number, so when filling out medical forms, dad kept insisting on putting my brother on as emergency contact. Why??? Do you understand that he doesn’t have a phone or a computer (he insists bluetooth waves are damaging) right now? Also, even when Johnny does have a fucking phone, he is always MIA. Do you know what “emergency contact” even means? It means the person is accessible and reachable. Got into a fight with him about it. WTF. Completely asinine.

Here’s the thing I have realized esp in the last decade about my dad. Book smart but street-retarded. Surely, some of the cognitive dullness is from aging but also, there is an entire family history of choosing the MOST COMPLICATED way of getting anything done.

So whatever, I was in Taiwan for a week for his surgery and at the time, my brother was back to living in his condo in Taiwan. Mind you, brother has multiple options on where to live. The condo. My aunt has a vacant home in Tainan. There is NO REASON for him to live with my parents again in Kaohsiung. But whatever, earlier this week, turns out he is living with them. So dad calls me to update his computer. Turns out, Johnny doesn’t have a computer, so dad let him use his and my brother is always installing shit. Now dad wants me to clean up his computer. WHY are you fucking letting him use your goddamn computer? What happened to his opposition to bluetooth and wifi waves? Like I said, mentally fucking ill.

Also, remember last time when we talked about setting conditions for Johnny to be back in your life? Like going to therapy? All of it out the window, and I just get called in to fix shit. Oh and update my phone and remove my financial docs. So now I’m pissed. Bc once again, dad doesn’t do anything I suggest, and now I’m here troubleshooting bs issues. Thanks for continuing to just create more busy work for me!

So then, I ask dad to connect his iphone and once again, doesn’t know how to input the iphone authorization code, can’t respond to texting. Utterly retarded. I then texted “I can’t update the phone. Good night.”

Next day: another call from dad. This time I send it to vm. I’m done with this shit. Buy Johnny a separate phone and computer. He has a history of porn addiction and those sites are notorious for viruses. Stop giving me more work.

So all this week, I can’t sleep thinking about how fucked up my family is. I want to be estranged. I’m not going back to Taiwan anytime soon, bc I just want yo be left the fuck alone!

Then, last night on Instagram, I watch these two videos and I am now a sobbing mess. Did my parents ever put me in a situation like this? Nope. Ten years old, putting lighter fluid in his mouth to turn tricks and help his family. Also, two kids on the side of the street with dad selling paper windmills. This is survival.

I’m literally disgusted with myself. I’m here bitching about providing tech support from the comfort of my own home… privilege is a crazy thing, and yes, everything is relative. But holy hell, I need to just STFU.