It never ceases to amaze me how quickly things can change in less than 24 hours. I was feeling ok about the city job that didn’t pan out, and then last night, my parents called. And my dad wasn’t trying to make me feel bad, but he said something like, “It’s ok you didn’t get the job, but maybe next time you shouldn’t have so many conditions. Maybe next time you negotiate later.” When I told him about my info interviews and how I was meeting amazing people, he just asked, “Do they have job openings?”

John did have a similar comment about my timing with the city: maybe get the formal offer first and then once they have convinced themselves they want you, you’ll have better leverage. Because, even if they like you, if you are not the path of least resistance and on top of that, maybe you are overqualified for the job (They wanted 3-4 yrs of experience; I have closer to 8 yrs.), they just will pick the lower hanging fruit. After that, I really felt like I fucked it up. I mean, I had been reading all these things about having a “human-voiced resume” and just communicating with people honestly and reasonably… The interview process really is about you interviewing them as much as they are interviewing you. So I felt like voicing my concerns– asking about wiggle room on the rate and asking for a training/education budget and asking for time-off while my cousins would be in town from Taiwan– was fair. I wasn’t making demands, but I was asking for them to discuss it. But maybe they thought it was too much trouble. And so my parents’ comment just triggered an entire cascade of fears: that the longer I’m unemployed, the less marketable/worthy I will become…

John’s been working really hard lately, so he tried to comfort me after the call, but then he fell asleep. I started really beating myself up about the opportunity that I fucked up. So what if it was doing social media/government content, maybe it really could have evolved into something amazing…  Who do I think I am that I deserve to be so selective? Who do I think I am, like people should fight to hire me? I was suddenly so overwhelmed by these negative thoughts, and John was totally conked out.

I started grasping for all the coping techniques my coach told me about: I played the uke. I went for a walk. I kept telling myself that if I just wanted a job just to keep busy, what was the point of my entire process? The whole night, I just kept battling these negative thoughts back and forth. And then I reminded myself. I’ve been learning so much these past several months. I have pushed myself beyond my comfort zone so many times to learn and to grow. There are unconventional workplaces out there. Like Good.co… I just got an eblast from them this week about how to relight the flame at work, or if that doesn’t work, how to tell you need to leave. I was reminded of why I had left and what I’m now seeking. Sure, maybe no where is perfect but surely, there is something better. And so somehow, after a rather restless night, I have returned to recommitting to this process again. I have a fresh list of new people I want to contact, and I’m feeling more drawn now to the tech consulting path… I will still apply to a wide variety of opportunities, because to me, there is value in the exercise and you never really know what might crop up, but yeah, I won’t settle into stodgy, conservative ways of living and working just because I feel moments of shame and self doubt. When it comes down to survival, I will do what needs to be done, but for now, I still have choice and I choose to get back on the wagon and stay the course.