Why do I always have skin issues? Last Saturday, at the work event, I managed to do something to my upper left arm and today (three days later), it still had a huge red rash. Paranoid that a deer tick might have biten me, I went to HR who referred me immediately to the medical clinic. Btw, what kind of doctor is totally stylin’ in pinstripe slacks, elaborate dangly earrings, and sunglasses on the head? She was gorgeous! And no white coat or gloves?! Anyway, she didn’t think the rash was caused by an insect bite but rather she suspected some kind of puncture wound that just got infected. Her answer? A large syringe with about 3 cc of antibiotics shot into my right ass check. That’s right. Ass shot and it frickin hurt. Plus oral antibiotics plus antibiotic cream. Sounds like overkill to me, but what do I know? I just hope it goes away soon.

OMG, are you serious? Labor Day is right around the fucking corner? Well, it’s been another busy month– yeah, my main problem? I’m work-obsessed. Of course, I could be much worse, but I dunno, for some reason that part of the brain just never truly shuts off. My coworker who has seen web updates and work emails from me at all hours of the night, insists that I have a row of different colored light bulbs above my bed. Anytime I receive an email reporting some issue from a specific department, its corresponding light flashes and I immediately awake to handle the issue. Yup, my work is uber important. Like I said, saving lives over here.

The good news is I enjoy my work (still), so I guess that means I don’t mind processing emails as I get them (rather than wait until office hours). Good thing, right? Anyway, August is a busy month at work. We just released our Annual Report newsletter, and I launched our 2nd annual photo contest. Also, we have some projects on fast track with the Goog as well as some upcoming video projects. Ugh, just so much to do. And because it’s the web and people see cool web stuff all the damn time, I feel this extra pressure to keep having a wow factor. I know, not sustainable with a one-person web team but still.

I’m also continuing to make good contacts at work, which helps with moving projects along. I feel like all that social anxiety crap I worked through in Shanghai really paid off. I’ve developed some really helpful connections with contractors for work projects, so that makes things so much easier. Once I find the superstars, things aren’t so bad. Although, I will say, my developers never seem to want to get paid. They cannot provide detailed invoices to save their lives. I have yet to figure out what that is about. Meanwhile, I continue doing what I do naturally– I ride ass every few days. Eventually, they have to give in.

In other work-related news, we had our annual recognition event last Saturday. Every year our department organizes a huge party with pre-event activities, an awards program, gift baskets, catered food, booze… it’s huge and very stressful and quite laborious. Anyway, it went really well, so big sigh of relief. On to the next gabillion events put on by my department (public affairs). Yes, putting on the ritz is actually exhausting.

Outside of work, John and I recently discovered that he should be able to qualify for unemployment, so that’s wonderful news for us. We’re doing really well with budgeting, but the extra money will give us a bit more breathing room. Seriously though, we’re educated folks. Why didn’t we know about unemployment before? Damn system. It’s just like the taxes. When you don’t know about stuff, you can really lose out. That’s probably the reason my parents are always “suggesting” that I go to law school. Then, at least I’ll be in the know.

John is doing well. He’s been focusing the bulk of his energies on exercising (he’s at his lowest weight since moving over here in 2006!), gardening, and cooking. He’s intermittently programming, but it seems his true interests lie with food sourcing and cooking… we’ll see what happens.

Btw, I realized the other day that I haven’t cooked in like three months. Uh oh, becoming too dependent. Time to break out the Rachel Ray and Cooking Light. Can’t get too soft you know.

On my day off, we headed north to Point Reyes. Lots of open lands. John’s camera even made a rare appearance outdoors. The main highlight? We saw lots of elk, including ones with massive antlers, but I was too obsessed watching John get closer and closer to the herd. I think he made all of us nervous. Anyway, Point Reyes is a nice and quiet place, but I’d recommend saving the trip for a hot summer day.

My parents were in town this past week… to be honest, I was kinda dreading the visit: we’re not really known for getting along and under those circumstances, six days is a really long time. In the days before their arrival, I was innundated planning where to go, what to do, what to eat… John and I live in a 2 BR townhouse/rental where one room is the office. So, when the parents come over, that means we sleep on the foam mattress wedged between our two desks. I actually think sleeping on the floor is better for my back and I seem to sleep quite well, but John does not, especially without his usual mountain of pillows.

Anyway, the visit turned out much better than expected. For a few nights, John and I made dinner– not fresh seafood like my parents typically eat, but whatever, I (and they) was just thankful my stuff was edible. Mind you, we still hit two Asian markets in six days, and they loaded up on stuff as if our fridge were totally barren but it all worked out.

We took them to various attractions in the area: Monterey Aquarium, Filoli House and Garden, Pulgas Water Temple, College of San Mateo Farmer’s Market, SF Botanical Gardens, Conservatory of Flowers, SF Chinatown, Fisherman’s Wharf… Thankfully, they are still in great shape, so we did a lot of walking without too much trouble. Also, the weather was beautiful and for every outing, I was uber prepared: I made sure to pack a lunch box full of water, fruit, and snacks. Plus, because of the drastic temperature differences in the area, I also packed extra jackets, umbrellas (for the sun), etc.

Before you know it, the visit was over. Not too shabby. In fact, I even think we could do it again! 🙂

I quit ushering for the local community theater down the street from here. I had seen productions there in the past that I enjoyed, but for the most part, the caliber was really hit or miss. In the past few months, I had ushered 2-3 events, and my god, the volunteer experience was boring as hell, the other ushers were weird and not that social, and ultimately, the white top/black bottoms catering uniform drove me insane!! So I quit and instead decided to volunteer with the more upscale theater near my work.

They had some crazy 2-hour orientation even. And when I attended and saw so many blue-hairs, I grew skeptical that this would be a repeat crap experience. Last night, I dared to give it a try. Hey, at least the uniform was just all black (yes, much more doable). And turns out, there were a couple young people in my group. And the production? Fantastic. All I had to do was operate the bar code scanner gun (yup, really hard work) to zap the tickets before people entered the theater and then at the end, we just walked through the aisles picking up programs. Not hard at all and then I get to watch the show, whose tickets run about $45-50 pp! Not a bad deal.

Next month, they’re having a new works festival. I’m going to usher a staged reading that’s a psychological thriller… should be interesting to watch without the costumes, props, and stage dec. I just hope I don’t get too creeped out!

Last weekend, I drove down to San Luis Obispo to meet up with my friend’s mother. I honestly cannot remember the last time I drove alone in a vehicle for more than 3 hours. The last time I did that was probably grad school. I know, I really need to get out more, right?

So anyway, my friend’s mom had flown out to Los Angeles a few days earlier to visit friends. She drove up to meet me halfway. We stayed at a delightful B&B on the main drag, and the next day we went to Hearst Castle. San Luis Obispo itself was a very cute little college town, but so many of those small towns heading south start to blend into one another. Still, regardless, you gotta love the California weather. It’s so beautiful out here. The dryness plus the sunshine makes traveling/driving/outdoor activities so much better! It really is amazing what a difference the sun makes.

The next day, we woke up, had a terrific breakfast at the B&B, and then headed out early. Hearst Castle in San Simeon was awesome. I guess for the last 50 years, HC has been managed and operated by California State Parks. We grabbed a tour, and boy, docent was excellent– well versed, engaging, and knowledgeable. The tour was pricey at $24 pp but totally worth it, even if the house interiors are grossly extravagant. Interestingly, William R. Hearst was an uber micro-manager. Dunno how he juggled publishing, movie producing, and construction/design but he did. Gotta give props. Seriously, who are these people?

Haha, well looks like I’ve graduated from therapy again. Yup, only took four sessions, not that I was averse to continuing, but she just ran out of stuff for me. Partly, I was finally just calm, meaning I wasn’t flipping out about my expectation hangups or whatever, and I had settled on the status quo for the whole boss fiasco. Whatever. I just need to chill, so that’s what I did. And then suddenly, it seemed there wasn’t much more to discuss. So the door is always open she says, but oddly, I feel ok for now… which reminds me: I’m supposed to fill out some feedback card and mail it in.

In other news, this month has been extremely busy at work. We’re having our huge annual event at the end of August, so I’ve been gathering quotes for catering and such. Negotiated an awesome deal with last year’s vendors. I think I’m getting the hang of the negotiations game… they only increased the price by $1pp plus I got them to throw in a bunch of other free stuff. Cool deal, because honestly, without the concessions, we would have had to go elsewhere I’m sure. Budgets are tight this year for sure!

The weekends this month have been packed as well. Two weekends ago, my friend had a puppy bday party, which was totally fun. My friend is a super star decorator, so of course her backyard was an absolute doggie paradise with a mini pool and jumping hoop. Nine dogs total and it was a blast, except that it seems wherever Martin goes, there’s always one male dog that loves to lick his area. Yup, poor Marty never gets rest.

Ugh, I just got home from session 3, and goddamnit, I’m starting to hate this bullshit. Seriously, this is the third time I’ve left that place feeling worse than when I entered. I mean, who the hell thought up 50-minute sessions? Cannot accomplish shit in that amount of time. I’m so frustrated, I think I’m going to drop the whole thing.

I mean, I just feel like we’re moving at a snail’s pace. Granted, how much can you really know a person after three meetings but jesus, how to scoot this thing along? I mean, shouldn’t she get homework or something? Like maybe I should just send her my blog, and she can read up and get a better sense of what I’m thinking. Because honestly, is this arrangement really fair to me or to her? We need “office hours” in addition to class time.

So today the discussion deviated from the previous ones, because frankly, I haven’t been focusing on my issues recently. For one, I haven’t been going to open mics or theater performances so in a way, I’ve saved myself from the usual inadequacy triggers. But whatever, I’ve just started to get back into my activities and not worry so much about achieving for now.

So today I wanted to talk about this whole recent theme of disturbing news… and what does she say? First off, it would be highly unwise and inappropriate of me to broach these allegations with my manager. Her argument is that I don’t really know what happened. And either way, the damage has already been done to his reputation and to my level of respect for him. My argument is that if indeed the stories are true, his reckless, harmful behavior continues to wreak havoc on unsuspecting women and overlooking it is again just another way of letting people get away with shit… where is the accountability for their actions?

So then what does she suggest? She says to investigate deeper to see WHY I’m getting so worked up about these stories of sexual misdeeds (because I brought up the Duke story and Michael Jackson too). What the hell does she want me to say? I feel like she’s digging for some hidden secret, like I was molested as a child or raped as a teen. She asks why I’m not outraged about global warming or suicide bombers. Wtf? Believe me sister, I get worked up about a lot of things. Does she want me to put ALL of it on the table? Is it not enough to say that I am feminist, and violence against women (much of which is sexual) is closely linked to sexual discrimination and inequality? So annoyed.

And just because I’m childless, does that mean I should NOT be outraged by sex abuse of children? Fuck it, man. Who makes ANY progress with therapy? Jesus, I go into it believing/wanting it to work but in the end, it’s just like going around in circles. John says the only experts I actually have luck with are doctors. The others? I always think they’ll guide me to the light but more often than not, they just don’t seem to “get” me.

Conclusion? Status quo: proceed as usual and hope to god, women using online dating site are doing their due diligence researching their potential dates. Come on, people. GOOOGLE!!

The themes of duplicity and reprehensible sexual behavior continue this week… all this recent news of deception is causing me to doubt people with whom I interact even on a regular basis. Call it paranoia, street smart, skepticism, cynicism, misanthropy… however you want to term it, it’s causing me distress.

Last week, I dreamed that someone tried to rape me. To save myself some such an unfortunate incident, I busted myself out of a vehicle (moving at highway speeds) and rolled off to the side of the road. Then there was another dream about child abuse… thankfully, I can’t even remember the details. I don’t know what caused me to Google my manager’s name again, but I did last night.

My friend Pamela says I was “nosing” around for dirt. If you recall, I had innocently Googled him before, like a day or two after starting the new kickass job, and then I was unpleasantly surprised. What prompted me to search again last night? I don’t really know. Perhaps I had hoped to find the comments thread silent, and that would suggest his earlier reckless behavior had stopped. The original post had referred to incidents in 2004. A couple of people in the years following corroborated the claims, citing similar experiences. Then a post in 2008. Last night, unfortunately, there was a new comment, posted just last month with a link to a new site, Don’t Date Him Girl. The new site contained tons more information: detailed biographical information, place of employment, place of residence, current partner, etc. But mostly what bothered me– even more than the breach of trust with his relationship– was the careless, dangerous behavior. Seriously, multiple partners, no protection. And what I started to see was selfish and misogynistic conduct.

So today, we had our bi-weekly one-on-one, and again, I could not focus. In the back of my mind, I felt distrustful, suspicious. Now to be clear, he has never acted inappropriately towards me. I have noticed random absences during the work day, zippo details about the weekends (he never seems to do anything), various past travel stories with “an ex.” Nothing blatant. And his demeanor really comes across so harmless, and yet I can’t drop this other set of knowledge.

Today I called my girlfriend to discuss. Like John, she wondered why I searched out this information. In my defense, I felt like my action was motivated by a desire to squelch the uneasiness, to hope for the end of a hedonistic era. Or maybe my search was an act of self-sabotage. Nearly two years later, I still love my job and now I look for ways to torment myself with this hypocrisy. Am I too gullible? Is this just a matter of a few scorned lovers? Again, I don’t like to doubt women’s stories. Society dismisses them all too easily as is.

At the end of the conversation, my friend and I agreed that his actions seem to depict an illness, like alcoholism or addiction. So here’s my dilemma. He’s a great boss, the best I’ve ever had. Not perfect (in terms of professional leadership and development) but still, the best of the lot. I have had no issues with him professionally or through our own interactions. However, if the postings are to be believed, I would say his actions are misogynistic. So how do I, as a feminist, reconcile that he is fine to me personally, but awful to so many other women? I mean, this is an extreme example, but isn’t it like the Germans and other Europeans who disagreed with the Nazis but didn’t actively resist/rebel? Is this really just a case of compartmentalizing the professional and personal personas? It drives me nuts that these two personas are so contradictory. Ugh. I know, I am such a black/white kind of person. That’s why I’m not made for the complexities of this world!

So, what can be done? If indeed this is a kind of illness, perhaps I need to offer help or intervene? And how would this be done exactly? Do I risk losing my job? Do I quit? I am well aware that people think I’m getting worked up for nothing. But I am serious. Option 1 is to act like I don’t know and proceed as usual. After all, the job is kickass. But honestly, a part of me feels like I’m condoning the mistreatment of women by feigning ignorance.

And then where do I stand on rehabilitation? If he is sick, who has offered to help? Goddamnit, the naive side of me wants to believe that everyone is good, that people are bad because they are sick. And then I read stories like those about abusive priests and that fucking Duke official, and I want them all to die– screw second chances and reform. And really, why do I torture myself so? Why can’t I just focus on learning my fucking bboy moves and just get on with shit. I mean, I’m already in goddamn therapy for my own issues and now I have to climb into everyone else’s shit.

So what’s the conclusion for tonight? This is one for the big guns. Thank goodness therapy session 3 is tomorrow. I shall ask the expert, and perhaps she will have a brilliant strategy. Fingers crossed.

So here’s the deal I have with all the hoopla surrounding Michael Jackson’s death. Everyone is freaking out about the passing of a legend, a pioneer, an innovator, blah, blah, blah. Sure, no one is denying his impact on music. Me? I was never much of a fan… Thriller didn’t like change my insular pre-teen/teenie-bopper world. In fact, the video creeped me out, but whatever. My issue is: do all these people think he’s innocent of child molestation? I mean, yeah, he was acquitted on all charges, but is his verdict the same as the OJ case? You know, where the jury said he was innocent but everyone really thought he was guilty? Because I just cannot get my hands around the idea of celebrating his contribution… I can’t help but feel that all this ruckus only downplays his crime. I mean, if these people think he’s innocent, fine. Mourn away. Obviously, I think he’s guilty, so to me, his death makes one less child molester. Look, Neverland Ranch had way too many secret rooms and secret doors and secret locks– is all that “privacy” really necessary? And what of the child who described MJ’s birthmark in a very private area? Admittedly, I didn’t follow all the details of the case, so maybe I’m just ignorant, but from the limited details I did read, my gut is very unsettled.

I’m not saying we should be revisionists and deny his talent and professional contribution but please, don’t dismiss the very serious consequences of child abuse.

Speaking of child abuse, have you seen the story about the Duke University associate director of the center for health policy? Busted for pimping out his 5-year old adopted black son. This story has thrown me in an absolute tizzy the last week. I am just so disgusted and angry on so many levels. First, the deception. I mean, the dude is a licensed social worker who studied health disparities!! He’s supposed to be one of the good guys, doing work to end inequalities and injustice. He and his partner adopted two black babies and oh god, the details are just too much. He himself abused the child on numerous occasions, and he was sharing details on whatever deviant online community… meanwhile, during the day, he’s like teaching a course on disparities in healthcare or whatever.

And where was this story in the mainstream media? I first saw it on AP, but there were like zippo details. I had to go to the fucking News and Observer for crissakes. So the other crinkle is that he’s gay. And of course the mainstream media doesn’t want to give ammo to the psycho conservatives who will then insist that gay partnerships foster this kind of behavior… but I mean, this is a big story! And I am still so freaked out about it, because you just never REALLY know people. It’s a shame. Seriously, how can you have children in a world like this? Who is watching your kids? And have you met people who have been abused? They get all fucked up. Big time. This is no games.

I mean, my friend pointed out there’s all this outrage over Bernie Madoff. Where’s the fucking outrage against perpetrators of violent crimes and sexual crimes? Honestly, Madoff gets 150 years in prison. Yeah, it was a LOT of money but it’s money, and come on, 10-12 percent returns every fucking year for the entire history? Hello??!! Meanwhile, a rapist gets like max 7 years. This Duke dude, if convicted, will get like 25 years. Ugh. This world is crazy!!

Sometimes I just want it to be over. Global warming, nuclear war, whatever. We’re too fucked up. Just blast ourselves away already.

My parents have always struck me as being a little on the paranoid side, but when I read/hear about stories like this, I feel angry and scared and hopeless and depressed as hell. What is this world we have created.