So as the universe would have it, no sooner did I complete my last Debbie downer blog posting, did my father give me a call. Goddamn, he always sounds so depressed and pathetic. He feels bored, useless, and lonely; Mom doesn’t like to exercise or leave the house (granted, the Mid-Atlantic is freezing outside this time of year); the two are ridiculously co-dependent, and so life trudges along with these two unabombers.
When I talk with them on the phone (weekly), I feel instantly MORE depressed afterwards. You see, here are two people who had worked really, really hard for decades. At the end of it all, yeah they are financially secure, but they are also incredibly joyless. They worked for so long to the exclusion of doing all other things, and now they have no friends and no hobbies. My father’s only interest is real estate and stocks. At times, I find myself being hypercritical, as if all he cares about is money. But at the same time, I criticize myself. After all, aren’t I (and the entire extended family) beneficiaries of his diligence and obsession? Whether it’s optimizing for retirement through IRAs or tracking individual stocks, or watching finance shows… these earnings are all fruits of his labor. And I, of all people, should show a little more understanding and appreciation for his curiosity, his drive to learn, and his own way of “playing the game.” After all, when I am honest with myself, I see that we are driven by similar motivations. Why not maximize? Why not learn how the “system” works? Why not figure out what persuades people? Why not learn about how to be more sociable, more well-liked? Aren’t we both just trying to optimize in this game of life? Why don’t I consider these interests equivalent to hobbies? Particularly in the absence of nearby kin, kids, and grand kids, what more am I asking him to do?
I suppose the answer is this. If these hobbies were to bring him joy, great. But he sounds unhappy on the phone. He needs to get out of the house. He needs to exercise. If mom is too lazy, he should still go out himself. I want them both to socialize, to do things with other people. I want them to stop hanging around just with each other, obsessing over how life has disappointed them.
They don’t verbalize these things to me, but I know that’s how they feel. They are not connected to their two kids. They can’t relate to their peers (who are all grandparents). The focus is always on what didn’t turn out right, what is lacking in their lives. I know this mode of thinking, because more often than not, that is my own outlook. All my life, my deficiencies have been what drive me to try harder and to work harder. But what motivates also debilitates. If I identify my inadequacies and use them to focus on what’s next, there is a propulsion. But if, after a certain period of time, I look back and don’t feel the progress has been sufficient, the frustration with mediocrity crashes down with a paralyzing force. Therapists call this an “all or nothing” outlook. I’ve read so many articles about successful people: forward movement is all about the baby steps. Over time, the improvement happens. But some days, my progress doesn’t feel considerable, and then I panic. I panic that my whole life will be like this– that I will keep searching, and keep trying, but in the end, I will be in the same place— like I’ve been swimming in one of those continuous current pools. I know I have to shift my focus to finding enjoyment in the baby steps, but see?? It’s a constant mind game with moving targets!!
When I hear the sadness in my father’s voice, I don’t know what to do. I feel overwhelmed: At 37 years old, I’m still trying to figure out my own life!! Why is my father unhappy? He knows what he needs to do to feel physically stronger and better (exercise). He knows that science points to socialization and activities as a way to boost your spirits and improve quality of life. But he doesn’t do any of those things. Week after week, it’s the same story. So I lose patience, and I feel anger. I mean, honestly, this is a common theme with everyone around me who suffers from malaise: we already know the answer, but for whatever reason, it’s so difficult to move in that direction. I know that I too am guilty of this. The last two days, I’ve been feeling discouraged: I know that I have to exercise, socialize and get back on the wagon to keep my spirits up…
With my father, I try to empathize. I tell him what I’ve learned in my mental skills classes. Just because you aren’t active now doesn’t mean you can’t be tomorrow. If mom doesn’t want to join you, go by yourself. Do things you enjoy. Learn something new. Volunteer. Do something that involves other people and puts some routine back into your life. Like my professor said, it takes the same amount of energy to think positively as it does to think negatively. What are you going to choose? Sit and complain and be miserable, or try to do something differently to achieve a different outcome?
After I ended our call, I set up accounts for them on Coursera and Udemy. And I sent my mother information on iPad workshops and community college classes. Maybe they’ll come across something new and interesting to learn and that’ll help jump start them for the new year. Sheesh! What a drag to hang around Debbie Downers!!
