The Phoenix Rises

I made considerable progress this week staying in and sleeping a shitload. The infection is gone now (at least it feels gone), and I’m just battling remnant congestion. Whew! Today I am finally feeling near normal… three weeks later, of course!

Now I gotta get back to normalcy, because shit, I was forced to wipe my calendar clean for three weeks!! I missed out on all kinds of fun (I know, it was killing me!). This weekend I’m doing an all-day “dare to reinvent yourself” workshop tomorrow, and then I’ll probably just lay low the rest of the weekend. My strength is still sub-par. I’m considering climbing back into the saddle on Sunday while the rest of the town watches football, but I don’t know. We’ll see. All I know is, next week all my social activities are coming back online. Enough is enough, I tell ya!

In other news, I’ve got my next Coursera class lined up. Also, I’m getting back on the job application wagon. Yup, I sent out two apps this week, including one for an area family foundation seeking a digital communications officer. I spent all week crafting my letters and fine-tuning my CV and portfolio. I shipped the second app out this afternoon, so I could stop obsessing over the holiday weekend. Fingers crossed!!

Ok, well I had a pretty packed day. My buds T and M came over for lunch today, and I made pork chops with mushroom sauce. They turned out ok; then again, those two are easy to please when it comes to food. I’m just about hitting a wall now, which works out since I’ll need to be up early tomorrow for my workshop. I’m going in with an open mind!

Fix Me!

Today was my last day on the Z-Pak, the super duper antibiotic treatment. Oddly, after the drugs had me feeling AMAZING on Sunday, I felt a downturn starting on Monday and Tuesday. I was just getting wiped out every three hours, and my throat started getting scratchy. Also, the nasal congestion started up… When I awoke this morning, I felt like shit, so I went back to the doctor.

I saw a different doctor this time. He was super peppy for 9 a.m., but I liked his vibe. And he sorta used language that I like to hear. Like he said, “Ok, let’s take a look to see how we’re gonna fix you!” Yes! I have been completely broken for two weeks, and goddamnit, this shit is getting old. Get me back up and running!! The good news is that he thinks my infection is gone, and all of this crap is just remnant sinus congestion. So, he recommended Allegra D + Flonase for five days. At night, Benadry if I need to sleep. Then, switch over to Allegra normal for five days after that. Bam, I ought to be back in action in 3-5 days. Freaking awesome.

So today I popped the Allegra D. I felt better quickly after; although he warned that I might be bouncing off the walls from the caffeine. I was really looking forward to a brief return of “power mode,” but that didn’t happen. Instead, I watched yet another relationship movie on Amazon Prime and then took a nap. When I got up, I took the dogs to the park. Incidentally, I ran into the dog sitter, and she was shocked by how awful I looked. Really, it was actually kind of amusing to see the disbelief in her face. She just kept saying, “Oh my goodness, I have never seen you look so terrible EVER!!” Gotta love the radical honesty. Well, two plus weeks lying around in bed wearing yoga pants will zap the glam right out. Sigh. When will I wear my pretty clothes again? Haha, so vain.

Well, I did maybe three things today, so my energy is just about depleted. Back to bed! Hoping for some magic tomorrow.

Doctor’s Orders

Well, the doctor squeezed me in for an appointment on Saturday morning. Here I had been telling everyone (namely, my father) that I just had a scratchy throat and head congestion. No fever, no fever. He was like, you need to see a doctor. So I did, and as it turned out, I DID have a fever! A substantial 102 degrees even! Which means, if a 102-degree fever doesn’t even register with me, when I DID feel I had a fever, it must have been much higher. I’m a dumbass, and you know, looking back, even as a child, I ran crazy high fevers: 104-105 every time I got sick. Maybe that explains my brain damage.

Anyway, the doctor was concerned. She said, normally, a fever isn’t a big deal except that I was already two weeks into this sickness. I said I had a lot of head congestion so maybe it was just a sinus infection, but she said usually sinus infections don’t really cause fevers that high. I was really kinda taken aback, because seriously, I didn’t think I was running a temperature. And you know what? During the whole two weeks, I never once busted out the thermometer. Why? I dunno, because I’m stupid! I’m embarrassed to say that I’m the daughter of a physician. So fucking oblivious with my health, right?

Long story short, the doctor kinda wanted to do a chest x-ray, because she was suspecting walking pneumonia. Yup. I mean, I really should have expected something bad. After all, this is the same damn body that had shingles (a few times) and H1N1. I was a little reluctant about the x-ray though, because well, that shit is pricey. She said the treatment would be the same (antibiotics), but in case if I didn’t get better, the x-ray would give more information on what was going on. Something like that. I didn’t grasp it completely. I was a little zoned out.

She said something about me being sick for a long time (since December 29), and I think she was silently asking why the hell I had waited so damn long to see her. I didn’t really know what to say. I mean, when the symptoms got really bad, I took DayQuil and NyQuil, and then that made me feel good enough to leave the house and run errands, cook, do laundry. I guess I have the foolish thinking of a teenager: I’m invincible. I explained that I don’t really pay attention to my body. When it doesn’t feel well, I get impatient with it, and then I just power through because I don’t want to be inconvenienced. Even as I was telling her all this, I was still planning on going out that night on a double date dinner and concert in Santa Cruz. See? I’m incorrigible! Fortunately, I had enough brain cells left to ask if I was contagious, and she said, well yes, technically you are contagious until 24 hours after being fever free. And you have a fever now. Fuck. That was the only thing that made me cancel my plans.

Anyway, I’m now on that Zithromax, super antibiotics 4-day plan. On Sunday, I felt the best I’d felt in over two weeks. It had been so long ago, I had almost forgotten what that felt like. Naturally, I then wanted to get out and do all kinds of things. But I was trying to learn my lesson. I mean seriously. Walking pneumonia. Calm the fuck down. So I stayed home and in bed ALL WEEKEND LONG: watched some movies, did some meditation, sat around in yoga pants. It nearly drove me crazy, but this is what I have to do. In the new year, I really need to focus on getting rest.

For example, why do I wake up as soon as Remy walks to my side of the bed: 2 a.m., 4 a.m., 6 a.m. It doesn’t matter what hour of the night or morning. She doesn’t even whimper or paw at the bed or anything (like she used to). She just walks over quietly, and I wake up. Seems like I should be slumbering much more deeply… like she should have to DO something to wake me, right? So this is my new challenge for the new year. I have to start sleeping deeply, and I’m pretty sure deep rest is going to change my life! 😉

Pattern of Sickness

So it’s now been almost TWO WEEKS, and I am still sick. Sure, in the span of twelve days, I’ve gotten better then not, better then not a few times. For now, I believe the sweat-my-brains out fevers are behind me, but I just can’t seem to shake this head congestion and scratchy throat. I have been drinking TONS of water too. What the hell is wrong with me? John suggested I see the doctor this morning, and of course, all the family practice and internal med docs are completely booked. Is this flu epidemic for real?

The thing is, I even got the flu shot! Yes, I was late to the game and got it in early December, but still. Wth? I suppose my main problem is rest. I have a hard time getting good rest. Even when I’m well, I can’t sleep. John says I’m on the same up and down pattern as Remy. You see, Rems was doing amazing after her bout with lameness over Thanksgiving. Pop a few pills and bam, she was up walking to the park again. She was even starting to use the doggie door again, and so John and I thought we’d try to boost her quality of life a bit more by trying out the chiropractor. So on Tuesday, I took Remy to the chiro. The lady was so nice, and she had this portable laser machine that she described like a miracle device. Seriously. She said it had all these different settings including wound healing, which she uses on her hubby whenever he has any scrapes/lesions from bicycling. To be honest, as she described how it decreased inflammation for arthritis and joint pain and facilitated cell regeneration for skin damage, I was about ready to go research this device to buy for my own personal use. It was like an “As Seen on TV” moment for me. And Remy was so calm while the lady applied the cold laser to her hips and shoulder blades. Remy is hardly ever that calm at the vet’s office. When we got home, even John commented that Remy was moving around more sprightly. This was going to be her fountain of youth!!

Then, the next day, she regressed substantially. Her back end kept tucking under. What the heck? Then… she had a seizure aura. I think that’s the term for the pre-seizure moment where Remy just suddenly falls to her side and starts wailing continuously. Holy crap. Her whole body goes completely limp, super heavy, and she just gets in this weird zone. Something similar had happened back in September, but the wailing was followed by a grand mal seizure where the body just started thrusting uncontrollably.  That shit was so fucking scary. I had talked to my vet friend about it, and she said if it just happened one time, I shouldn’t worry too much, but I should just pay attention to everything that changes: new food, new treats, different cleaning solvents, anything. Since then, I have kept things super consistent. She rarely gets scraps, and I stick with the same kibble and treats. She doesn’t really go anywhere beyond home and the park. And yeah, she was doing so amazing since her lameness bout. What the heck happened? So with this aura, the next day, it happened again! She was eating breakfast; she abruptly went to the living room and lied down. She started breathing kinda heavy, and then suddenly, she threw onto her side and the wailing began again. This episode was shorter and again, no convulsions. So then I was super freaked out. Two days in a row. I emailed the chiro like, this happened after her appointment. Maybe you pinched a nerve or something? Is it a coincidence? Poor chiro. She said it’s unlikely she pinched anything thing… as I saw, the adjustments were super gentle.

The weird thing is, after the episode, Remy was wiped. But by the afternoon, she was better again and walking around. The chiro: she was so kind and sweet. She offered another cold laser treatment to see if it would make Remy more comfortable. Remy is so amazingly calm with the chiro. I then called the vet to inquire about the pain and anti-inflammatory meds. Could seizures be some kind of side effect from those? She’d been taking them for over a month. The vet assistant kinda dismissed what I said, saying she’d never heard of the meds doing that, so then I googled it. Weird thing: Meloxicam and Tramadol both list seizures as side effects (seizures in humans taking Tramadol; may raise pet’s risk of seizure) . Gabapentin is listed as a anti-seizure med and pain killer. So then I called the vet. The vet says she has never seen those meds cause seizures and in her books, seizures are not listed as a side effect. Are we not looking at the same information?? That’s not to say, Remy isn’t responding to the meds differently than most other dogs… She said usually, seizures in older dogs are caused by brain disorders or tumors. So is this where experience vs. books are supposed to come into play? She said she really didn’t think the meds were causing these episodes, so she suggested I continue with treatment, or if I wanted, I could take something out. I explained that I ran out of Tramadol, so she said ok, try the meds without Tramadol. Then I looked online, and it said not to suddenly discontinue taking Tramadol or you could get vomiting, diarrhea, chills. Ugghhh, so much conflicting infomration!! I’m going to the vet now to pick up the Tramadol and talk to the pharmacist.

Guitarist

With the chilly winter nights, John and I decided to look into getting a fireplace insert. So the other day, I emailed a local vendor asking about options. I didn’t hear back, so that afternoon I headed into the showroom. It was just down the street. When I met the lady, she said, “Oh yes, I got your email. You’re the guitarist.”

Um, what? “Yes, you play the guitar or something. Are you a musician?” Um… I think you have the wrong person. After a few more seconds of back and forth, she said, “You have a picture on your Gmail where you’re playing a guitar.” Oooohhhh. that!!! Haha. Mystery solved. Um, you mean my picture from last Halloween where I’m trying to be all bad-ass rockstar?? Interesting. Maybe I ought to update my photo, so job inquiries and such aren’t pulling up that picture. It kinda suggests character though, right? And, at this point, I have the gothy, pitch black hair (the deep purple dye didn’t quite take) to go with…

By the way, in case you’re curious, a gas fireplace insert is crazy expensive!! In my head, I had a number of about $3k. Turns out, we’re talking close to $6k! Because I’m so goddamned cheap, I think we’re going to just continue status quo. Uggghh.

New Year, New Life

How arbitrary to use the new calendar year as a marker for making changes. Oh well, whatever works, right? So, to celebrate the new year (belatedly due to illness), I re-arranged the living room. John’s been wanting some kind of nice leather reading chair for the living room, so we tried a couple of configurations to imagine a monster chair. I finally settled on this layout: the couch is in front of the tv, my orange patterned chair is against the window,  and the leather placeholder chair is next to that, separated by end tables. I also moved the floor lamps around. Anyway, I’m happy with it. Now, we just have a find a small form factor chair. I also added a “headboard” to my bed. It’s kinda funny, because I spent an afternoon surfing online for a tufted, taupe headboard. During the winter, John and I have been noticing that our heads get cold overnight. Our bed is placed along an exterior wall, and since the house has zero insulation, we can really feel the temperature gradient along the wall. So I researched headboards to death, and then, in the most random moment, a genius idea came to me! I had removed the back pillows to our living room sofa, because John complained that the seat wasn’t deep enough. Well, my sofa is taupe and tufted. Voila. So the width is a bit longer than the mattress, but what the heck? I’m pretty frickin’ pleased! Totally passable!

Other changes. I’m getting an office chair for my home office. Previously, I was sitting on an inflatable ball– great for the ball but awful for decor. I’m getting a rolling masseuse’s saddle stool. It’ll tuck conveniently under the desk when my daybed has to roll out, and it kinda goes with the cowgirl theme in there… being kinda saddle-shaped and all. 🙂

I had dyed my hair out of the box when I visited P in Long Beach last November. The deep red turned out beautifully, but I figured this time I’d go deep purple. This morning, I did it myself and let the dye set in really good– a full 35 minutes. Rinse, condition, blow-dry… and it’s fucking jet black. Now I look all goth and shit. Ugh. My friend insists that in the sun, you can see the violet, but what the hell? I can’t be walking around with a lamp on my head. I guess the changes can’t all be winners. I’ll let it sit a few days and revisit the issue.

Ok, now I’m off to do a home mani/pedi. My buddy G got me Birchbox for Xmas, so I’m dying to try out this new shimmery charcoal gray.

Death Bed

Holy crap, I have been deathly ill since Sunday. Yes, I have been in hell for five full days. Here’s the thing. Every year around the holidays, I get sick. And no, not just some coughing, sniffles, and headaches. I get really sick: watering eyes, major congestion, body aches, and crazy-ass fever. I just sweated my brains out for days. Yup, awoke every few hours in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. It was disgusting. All of this started Sunday, after well, we had been back East for a week, and I was exposed to a gabillion sick people, but who’s pointing a finger, right?

By Wednesday, I was feeling slightly better so I cleaned the house, did a ton of laundry, and changed all the sheets. Well, turns out I over did it on Wednesday, because Thursday returned to bite me in the ass, and here we are on Friday afternoon, and I am still in bed. Wth??

But this is what I have now concluded. I get sick every year around the holidays, because they just stress me the fuck out. Whether I visit family (as in this year’s case) or not, the end of the year is a time of massive reflection and overthinking. Yes, I do those things year-round, but in December, they kick up a notch. You know, all that fun crap like what did I get done in the last year, am I a better/improved person, do I have more of my life figured out, is Bubbey happy, are my parents happier, how much longer will Remy last, etc.? This year the family time was actually pretty painless. My parents aren’t quite as critical of me now that I am older, so they don’t really say things that trigger my usual angry, belligerent responses. That said, I still feel the disappointment and sadness. They don’t say anything anymore, but that doesn’t mean they don’t think/feel sadness. They just don’t express it to me anymore. And yeah, nothing can be done. My brother is not going to suddenly become the concerned, responsible, caring person we all want him to be. I’m not going to have the children they want me to have. These facts of life are immutable. So I can easily say, well serves them right for having expectations, for hinging their happiness on these uncontrollable factors. And yet, I do this all the time myself. I deprive myself of happiness, because the people I love are not happy. I look at everyone else around me and I focus on what I am lacking, how I am deficient. I understand this behavior all too well. I know I can’t change these things for my parents, so I try to live my own life another way. I try to find positive energies in activities, in friends, in learning, in meditation, in new habits. But these demons invariably find me again. And so I end each year feeling overwhelmed by all my inadequacies, by all my faults. And I make myself sick. I haven’t slept well for probably the last month. I stopped exercising. The downward spiral begins, and wham, what do you know, I’m sick.

But the good thing about me, is that I’m tough. Maybe not physically, as evidenced by my year-end downfall, but mentally, I am resilient. It’s a new year, and I have new goals. Yes, I fell off the wagon, but you know what, I’m getting back on. What else is there to do? Unlike with other years, I don’t have a whole list of resolutions. But I know I want to keep taking those baby steps and keep doing things I love and enjoy. But definitely, I need to start sleeping again. I am convinced good sleep is the secret of successful people. 😉

Tonight, I start anew. Happy New Year everybody. I wish you all good things!

I’m a Mean Girl

Every time I’m back East, I end up spending a ton of time reflecting and overthinking. John and I often split up to spend time with our respective families, so with all that alone travel, I just climb around inside my own head.

The latest realization I had occurred on Christmas Day. In the morning, the subject of my brother came up. He had emailed my parents with some investment advice. Since he teaches college students, he reads a lot of newspapers to tie current events into his lessons. He seems to have a better grasp of world news these days, but the thing is, he is also very susceptible to cult thinking. I don’t want to go into all of it now, but in the past he had me attend some “investment club” program. John and I attended the seminar and to us, it reeked of pyramid scheme scam. Full-on propaganda about “deserving the good life” with lots of images of ridiculous wealth. Long story short, his latest email encouraged my father to consider some kind of investment in silver. Dad was not interested and drafted a whole lengthy explanation that I then was asked to edit and type. I started getting so angry about it: of course, this came on the heels of multiple annoying emails I received from J in the past several months, urging me to join his Buddhist cult and meet with his “master” who would solve all my woes. Really? How’s he gonna solve my problem of YOU?? Anyway, my mom said something about how her relationship with my brother is like my relationship with Remy. Uh, no. So I shot back that Remy is nothing like J. Nothing. I could feel my blood boiling, because immediately I thought of all his bullshit and selfish actions and the decades of pain. Who does he think he is? He’s the biggest money pit, and he has investment suggestions??? Um maybe if my parents stopped supporting his sorry ass, they would save more money than what they’d supposedly earn on his recommended investment. Anyway, just as my mind raced off ready to shoot off a cascade of arguments, my dad said “Don’t say mean things to your mother. Your words are hurtful.” So I paused. What the hell? I was only saying the truth. Why should that be censored? Plus, why is it ok for her to make her statements, but I’m supposed to stay silent when I disagree? Bullshit. I didn’t see anything wrong with how I was about to respond and what I was about to say… But I stopped.

You see, the day before, my parents had bickered in the car about their financial success and where credit was due. My mother said she was tired of everyone crediting my dad for everything, and all that she was credited with was her failure in parenting. That car ride I had a separate realization about a woman’s worth, but I’ll discuss that later. For whatever reason, I just kept quiet as they argued back and forth. The thing is, I do think my mother (and father) failed in how she parents my brother. I do think she lacks independence, resourcefulness, and gumption. I do think she’s not as ambitious… to me, these are facts. So why can this not be stated? Are we now in that era where no kids are losers and everyone’s a winner? Where no one has “failed” a class and everyone is passing with flying colors? Come on.

Whatever. Later that night, we went to John’s sister’s house. My mom-in-law received a box of chocolates and proceeded to keep asking people if they wanted some. Had my parents nagged at all about something similar, I would have told them to stop in a very angry and impatient manner. Like Jesus, stop nagging. You asked once, and everyone said no. Leave it alone. But John’s brother just said, “Mom, everyone is very full now from dinner. Maybe when we are ready for dessert, you can set the chocolates out with the cakes and pies.” Done. And handled with so much more grace and tact. When we got home that night, I felt so sad for my parents. To have to deal with a daughter who gets so frustrated and impatient and angry with them so often. Why do I unleash such attitude with them? I felt so ashamed and disappointed. I am a mean person. What is wrong with me? So you see? I have these internal conflicts where sometimes I stand by my behavior and my thoughts. Other times, I see how they are so very flawed.

Yes, I blame my parents for my brother’s behavior. He is to blame also, but they exacerbate what he gets away with. Maybe the focus shouldn’t even be on who’s to blame. I guess, I just like to know WHY things are the way they are. The bottom line is that I disagree with the way they parent. But it’s their choice, so why do I need to yell or criticize? I don’t know. It’s a compulsion. It’s like watching someone doing something super self destructive. How do you calmly stand by and let them continue?? And the words I have for my brother… I am just waiting for him to talk to me in person, and then I seriously have an entire arsenal of acid.

I dunno. I feel like I have been coining arguments and crafting debates my entire life. It’s part of my overthinking mind. Stuff has to make sense and has to be consistent. Why is it mean or wrong to point these observations out, especially when someone is manipulating my parents? And yet I think of John’s brother. He kept his cool, made a statement, and got the job done without belittling. Sure, different situations, different intensities, but maybe I should work on this softer style for my parents. Maybe.

As for my brother. I don’t trust him. I may never let my guard down there.

The Old Me

There is something about being home in Frederick that makes me sad. I think, partly it’s nostalgia, a yearning for the promise and potential I felt in my youth. Also, it’s tough seeing people get older: my parents, my grandparents, his parents… even our nieces and nephews are no longer children. It’s the natural progression of life, and yet, I struggle with it. I am now closer to 40 than 30, and I still don’t quite feel mature enough for the responsibilities and realities of adulthood. Am I in denial?

And then, there is just something about Frederick: the roads are different, there are new housing developments, new schools, new shopping centers… I just feel so out of place. And the race thing really makes me awkward. I mean, in Santa Clara County, Asians comprise 33% of the population. In Frederick, Asians are 4%. My parents say they don’t have to live in a place with a sizable Asian population (we’re talking a few years down the road), and yet nearly all the media they consume is Chinese: news, tv programs, newspapers, groceries, restaurants… When we go out and about in Frederick, I feel super uneasy and hypersensitive about how people interact with my parents.  I have an anxiety that people aren’t treating them fairly. I dunno. I guess I feel overprotective.

And then beyond all of that, the area just feels stagnant to me. I can’t put my finger on it, but people just don’t seem as worldly, well-traveled, or curious. Is that fair to say? I don’t know. I mean, seems like the proximity to Washington should make the population more culturally literate and educated and international… maybe I’m just projecting my own bias on all of this. I was really bullied and harassed in school, so I’ll probably always see this place through a negative lens.

So the past two days, I’ve been cleaning out my old bedroom. I do this every time I come to town. Last time, I emptied out all my college notes and books. This time, I cleaned out all my high school shit. I really studied a lot as a kid. I mean, I found my fucking SAT vocab flashcards… handmade. And then all of THAT bummed me out, because again, I had such high hopes for my life. I was supposed to do well. I was supposed to excel. I know, it’s this self-destructive vicious cycle I sometimes get myself into– that whole unfulfilled potential dilemma once again. It’s a demon that follows me everywhere. Sometimes I find myself free from it, but inevitably, he comes back to remind me of all the things I am not. And so, what can be done?

I only know to focus on the baby steps. I’m trying to better myself. I finished my Coursera marketing class two nights ago. Scored a 90% on the final and am trying not be obsess over my disappointment with the A-. I have been hustling for work the last several days. I know it’s right before the holidays when people slow up, but the contracts aren’t signed, so I’m feeling nervous/paranoid. I listen to amazing ukulele music online, and while I get a lot of enjoyment from listening, I also feel lame afterwards. Why can’t I get the damn strumming pattern? Why can’t I do anything right that I want to do? Argh, stop it!!!

Then I try to focus on things I am grateful for: my family, Bubbey, my puppies, my friends, my education, my security, my childfree lifestyle. Sometimes, I don’t feel worthy. Why? Why do I have so many good things? I should be better to deserve these things. I don’t know: my mind is just in a funk today.

Tomorrow, I’m spending another day with my parents. I plan to take them to an Asian market that just opened up in Frederick. Then maybe we’ll check out some exercise equipment, because my parents are such homebodies and they really need to get moving. And then maybe we’ll play majhong for a bit. Christmas day we’ll head over to John’s sis’ house, and then Thursday I’ll reunite with my puppies. I need to return to home base, so I can get back into the groove: hot tub, meditation, exercise, puppies.

Cray Cray December

So December has been super cray busy. I’m busting my ass, trying to close some deals for the ranch. Three community rec orgs are game for booking four weeks of summer horse camps (waiting on the MOUs), and then a couple of cities are in the hopper. I had a meeting this week with one of the rec agencies. It went pretty well. But dayum, the whole experience has been super eye-opening: Shit, there is a lot of hustle involved in running a ranch business. The money just ain’t that good after you consider the upkeep, staff (albeit low paid), food, supplies, and veterinary expenses. I guess John’s right: no one does ranch living for the money. And shit, I gots a high standard of living: I can’t be relying solely on this ranch work long term. What a sad realization. Horses do make me so very happy. Sigh.

We jetted out to the east coast yesterday and head home the day after Christmas. Then I meet with a board member of my former agency for an info interview the next morning. That’s right: always on the move! My beloved Remy is walking again btw. Seriously: add a few miracle meds to a steely strong will, and my Remy is gonna live for fucking ever!! Yahoo!