Sales, Sales, Sales!

I know I probably overuse the term “hustle” these day, but frankly, I can’t think of  a better verb. Really. I mean, I guess my coach says I’m “in action,” but I dunno, that doesn’t have enough punch and street cred to it, you know? Semantics. Anyway, I’ve been getting back into the bargain/deals transactions mode again… I know, as if I ever really went out of that mode. Whatever.

For our 11th wedding anniversary last month, John got me an iPad mini. I hate when he spends so money on things that I don’t really need, but in his defense, he had his reasons and he was very thoughtful: he was thinking that the light, small device would be handy, especially since I’m riding the train into SF so frequently to attend all these professional development events and trainings. So fine. I actually opened the box and broke the seal. I proceeded to set it up, and then well, when I went to the T-mobile site to register for the data plan, holy shit, T-mobile was running a promo, selling the device with wifi + cellular for the price of the device with wifi only!! Maybe that doesn’t sound like a big deal, but the difference is $130!! For reals.

So then, I went to the Apple store: I mean, who knew prices would vary so much from store to store, right?? I thought Apple was all about the uniform pricing!! So I talked to the reps, their higher ups: back and forth, back and forth (practicing my negotiation skills). They couldn’t accommodate me AT ALL. Not even store credit for the difference. Ugh. I was so annoyed.

Finally, one of the reps just said: If I were you, I’d just return the device to Apple and buy it again from T-mobile, because that’s a huge price difference. Ugh. Fine, so I did that; thankfully, the T-mobile store was the next block over. Except that they didn’t have the 32 GB version in stock: so they had to ship it out to me. Long story short, I got the same spec device… but a week later. Incidentally, T-mobile is running a promo for the remainder of 2014 where the tablet data plan is free. So John insists that I had to go through a gabillion steps with returning and then waiting…  but I still think it’s worth the price difference. Guess my time is a lot cheaper than his.

In other news, I just sold our old iPad on Ebay. Amazon was offering about $200 via trade-in, but the same device sold on Ebay for between $300-400! So of course, I got back on the Ebay wagon. Our item sold for $345, so better than Amazon, but not stellar. And again, it definitely involved more steps. Now I’m thinking: I’ve already re-entered the Ebay world of selling, so maybe setting up future bids won’t take as long since I’m now re-familiarized with everything. Who knows. Next possible contenders: my old iPod nano and my old laptop.

In related transactions news, I finally scored a pair of black wedges today, after searching for low-heel black shoes for weeks. I had scoured everywhere online and even ordered two pairs from Amazon. Goddamn, those shoes were butt ugly in real life. Today, I went into a DSW-type store after my training in the city, and voila, these patent black wedges are going to work beautifully. And unlike my leopard-print pumps, these babies should get pretty regular use, especially for all my city events.  I’m breaking them in this weekend, and then I’ll have an official verdict come Monday!

Professional Dev Update

OMFG. Thursday night already. Crazy talk. This week kicked off really well. I was in the city for an Intro to Salesforce training. I took the opportunity to contact one of the speakers for an info interview. He’s a rather higher upper too, and we’re going to meet for lunch  in June. Score!

I also reached out to some women from the Women’s Leadership Summit last week, including an Assistant City Manager and Deputy County Manager. Yup, I’m hitting the big dogs now. The Assistant City Manager was so kind and friendly in her reply too. I’m aiming high these days, and it feels really nice to get some response from busy people!

I caught up with my coach on Wednesday after a one-month hiatus. Last week, I had sent her a monster list of items I’d been working on… she says I’m in action even if I feel like April was a lost month. Yup, I guess that means I’m officially back on the wagon. I do feel like I’m hustling every damn day… even if there isn’t a job offer pot of gold there at the end of the rainbow yet. Maybe the rainbow is a lot bigger than I anticipated.

I had my County interview this morning. It went ok, but I was definitely a little disappointed. I dunno whether it was all the guidelines I got beforehand or what, but I was just a little off: not as sharp, specific, and on point with my responses. I guess we’ll see. I’m trying not to let my perfectionist/OCD side get the better of me after the fact. Ugh.

Oh, get this: while John and I were in Utah last Friday, I got a call from Duke. I made it off their wait list (just as I was ready to write the class off), and now I’m enrolled in their Nonprofit Management certificate program: it’s an 8-day intensive. Yippee!! I figure that at some point, I will work closely with nonprofits– whether that’s from the inside or consultant side, it doesn’t much matter: I’ll benefit a lot from understanding nonprofit operations better. I’m going to fly into Wilmington the weekend prior to visit my bud N, and then I’ll be studying full blast at my alma mater. I’m pretty excited. Already, I have spoken with several past students, and they all give rave reviews. I worry a bit about being away from home for that long, but I guess the boys will be ok.

Tomorrow I’m headed to the city again for another Foundation Center training. I tried to tie in some fun activities afterwards, but no one’s around really. Hmm, maybe I’ll finally touch base with my friend F again? I haven’t been in touch with her since her hubby C passed last year. Maybe I’ll shop for those elusive black flats/low wedges. I was so annoyed this evening, because two different shoes arrived via Amazon, and they are both shipping back tomorrow. Why are uber comfy, low-heel shoes (that are NOT boots)so damn ugly?? Also, when the hell am I going to bust out my awesome leopard-print heels? Yup, I got my priorities straight.

Nothing too excited planned for the upcoming weekend. Bubs and I are a bit pooped out, so maybe just some R&R.

Vegas + Zion + Bryce

We had a great time on our long weekend in the southwest: we flew in and out of Vegas and then spend a few days in Zion and Bryce. We rented a grampy car (Buick), but it did the job transporting us from Nevada to Utah via Arizona. The parks were beautiful, but otherwise, Utah is um… something else. We describe it as a place where “kids run amuck.” Seriously, everywhere and anywhere, LOTS of kids, all of them like under five. In downtown St. George, we were grabbing some pizza and two blond-hair, blue-eyed broods were outside. The kids were alongside the building, climbing on railings trying to peer into the restaurant. So bizarre. SUVs and minivans everywhere, and the parents look young too!! I know, we’re over it, and we’ll definitely go back to Utah to catch the other parks in the Mighty Five.

In Vegas, I scored a cheapie hotel off the strip: Downtown Grand. It turned out to be a great find, actually. Super affordable, upstairs outdoor pool, clean, etc. And I am ahead of the game: a few days later, USAToday gave their thumbs up as well… Our first night, we got tickets for the Jabbawockeez. My mom-in-law called and when we told her, she made some comments about C.S. Lewis. Nah, not that Jabberwocky. Funny. It’s like that time I mentioned “Napoleon” to describe a tyrannical colleague to my 20-something coworker, and he kept thinking Napoleon Dynamite.

As for the parks, definitely pretty interesting geology there. Too bad Bubs and I are super out of shape, especially at that elevation. Ah well, we did our best: clocked in a respectable number of steps, so that our outdoorsy, active friends wouldn’t judge us TOO harshly once we got home. Haha. Managing expectations and all.

Trip was good but exhausting. We’re happy to be back home, reunited with Martin.

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Love Withholder

This is going to sound awful, but every year, Mother’s Day really irks me. I go through all the damn cards at the store, and there’s so much touchy-feely bullshit: you’re my world; you’re my best friend; everything I learned, I learned from you. Ugh. To be honest, that stuff just doesn’t really apply. Sure, my mother tried hard. She did what she thought was best for us, and I dunno whether culture, generation, or personalities are to blame, but we clashed a lot– then and even now, I don’t feel like we have that much in common regarding experiences, wisdom, and judgement. And on top of that, who are these people who are best friends with their mothers?? I really just don’t get it. So fine, I should just chalk it up like, not applicable, you know? Whatever.

Like I said, I appreciated the effort. So anyhow, I called my mother for the holiday, which she happened to be spending with my relatives in Taiwan. My cousins had just been over visiting me and John in April, and I guess they were commenting to my mother about how beautiful our house and garden was, blah, blah. So I would expect a normal person to just pass along that message. My mother? Instead, she says, “They kept saying how great everything looked… I don’t remember your house and garden being that great. Did you change something from what I saw?” Um, no. I mean, you saw our garden after it was professionally landscaped too. “Oh, well you know the young people in Taiwan, they don’t really own much and they don’t have yards, so maybe they were just impressed because you had green space.” Um, ok.

Ok… I mean, sure, there’s a language barrier in that her English is not that great, but still: the comment is pretty rude, right? And she has a history of making comments in a similar manner– like she’s a love withholder or something. For example, she used to ask to see my wrists. I would hold them out, and she would say, “Your wrists and arms are so thick: when I was your age, I could touch my thumb to pinky around my wrists.” Um yeah mom, I can do that too, see?  “Oh well, your arms look a lot thicker and rougher than mine when I was your age.” Then, she’ll ask me how much I weigh. I’ll tell her, and she’s say: “When I was your age, I weighed 105.” Ok mom, are you trying to tell me I’m overweight??

More recently, I was telling her about how I was finally learning to wear clothes with the proper fit, and she replied, “Yeah, when you first got together with John (20 y/o), you didn’t dress very well.” Um gee mom, do you think it was because you were always 1) either buying me size XL clothes (so I was “comfortable”) or 2) trying to hand me down your own clothes that no longer fit you (and you were a 50 y/o at the time)???

I dunno whether she just lacks manners and polish, or if there’s some weird competitive tiger mom thing going on, but she just really gets under my skin when she talks like this… There are other things. I guess I’m just saying, I can’t really relate to people who click really well with their mothers. I never have, and I don’t really see us connecting well in the future. It’s one of those sad realities of life, I suppose. So yeah, thanks for chatting, Mom. Happy Mother’s Day.

Getting Back in the Game

Since we started this new month of May, I’ve been trying my darnedest to get my shit back together. For several weeks after Remy died, I had managed to appear outwardly fine and productive, but internally, I felt so sad and lost and unmotivated. But man, I had had enough of this downtrodden bullshit, and so I started telling my brain to get going again. Yes, I know, easier said than done– even if my mantra is “Mind over body.”

I resumed webinars and networking and social activities. I met up with my new BFF L last week. I was attending a tech meetup in SF, so we arranged to catch up beforehand for a quick dinner and a uke/harmonica jam. Turns out, he plays piano AND harmonica (which I actually have!). That’s the coolest thing about L: he’s pretty much game for anything. Random singing in a busy lunch spot? Fine. Bust out the uke and harmonica and cop a squat in Yerba Buena Gardens? Fine. Well, as it turned out, that day was hotter than hell, and I clocked a shitload of steps from Caltrain to our meeting spot across from the Gardens. And then the Gardens were totally blocked off to the public for some private MOMA event. Seriously? Then, he ran late due to work. I was thirsty as hell and really out of breath from all the walking (obviously, I’m totally out of shape now too). So we ended up grabbing drinks and appetizers at a local bar. But our conversation was great. He’s just one of those folks: we are just on the same wavelength. I’m getting to know him better, and I’m feeling good– like I’ve found another kindred spirit, and I’m optimistic that he’s a potential mentor. I remember in Sheryl Sandberg’s book, she talked a lot about how you don’t ever “ask” someone to become your mentor: it just happens. So I kinda have a feeling, but I guess I won’t be asking. We’ll have to see. But he talked about personality types (I didn’t even bring that up!) and leadership and nonprofit boards and communications… I felt really glad to have met him, especially given all the bullshit drama I’ve been feeling lately with some of my other friends. I mean, don’t misconstrue here: things are purely platonic, but damn, what a great feeling to make a new, easy, instant friend! I’m going to be in SF again next week, so we’re going to attempt another jam session. Haha.

In other news, my job hunt is going slowly but surely… The oral/written exam for the city at the end of April went fine. Pretty procedural. Thankfully, my round 2 interview was a lot more personable. I’m supposed to hear in a few weeks they say. And I’m also waiting to hear this week from an area county for a social media gig. Yeah, gov gigs but I’m still pushing the contract/unconventional job angle too…

Last weekend, I attended an anniversary celebration in Napa for Heifer International. A former coworker’s wife is an area manager for the org, and she introduced me to the executive VP of marketing. I was so stressed about my intro/elevator pitch in meeting the lady, but our conversation went great (not perfect, but better than expected), and I followed up this week with an email and LinkedIn connection. Tomorrow, I’m attending a Women’s Leadership Summit (I know, I am obsessed!!). I’m setting some new intentions to get my name out, pass around my biz cards, and hustle for contract communications/web gigs. We’ll see. I haven’t even figured out what I’m going to wear yet. Maybe my new dress with tights. Gotta be a power playa and all. I’m also considering busting out my new leopard print pumps!

Later this week, John and I are flying out to Vegas to hit a few national parks in Utah. Yeah, I’ve kinda been on a national parks kick lately. You know what they say: nature helps re-energize and rejuvenate, so that’s the plan. We’ve never been to Utah before. I got sucked in to their big marketing campaign on the Mighty 5 Parks. Love that website. We’re just hitting Zion and Bryce and then returning on Sunday. Weekend warriors. That’s the way we roll.

Mountain Escape

For our anniversary, I took Bubbey and Martin to the mountains of Yosemite. I’d found a Living Social dealio of course, so we got two nights at the Yosemite View Lodge, right outside the park. My friend T had recommended the place before for its location right on the Merced River, so when I saw the deal, I figured I could get it without conducting my usual thorough due diligence. The great thing also, was that Martin was able to come along. He hasn’t really been left alone overnight since Remy passed, so…

Anyway, the Lodge was a huge complex with multiple buildings and an entire campus, but the size was nice enough that we were tucked away in the corner and you know, pretty much just left alone. We drove up after work on Friday and stopped in at a local restaurant/diner in Merced. Bubbey got one of his favs: chicken fried steak. I don’t remember what I got: the food was greasy and tasty. The weather was pretty chilly though. When we checked in, the front desk apologized for the rain and snow (say what??). I guess the end of April is still kinda winter season or whatever, but we didn’t mind. There was some dusting on the ground Saturday morning, but we appreciated the park being less crowded. We drove through the park, checked out the swanky Ahwahnee Hotel for the first time. So nice, although lunch was just so-so. For our special anniversary dinner that night, we ordered take out pizza from the hotel pizza shop and cracked open a bottle of wine. Haha, we’re easy.

On Sunday, we got up early and did a nice, long hike to Mirror Lake. Yeah, like 5 miles round trip. We have a lot of hiker friends, so we knew we couldn’t hit Yosemite without clocking in a legit hike. Yup, check it off the list, baby. Oh and the day before, we saw a bobcat on the trail to Lower Yosemite Falls. He kept walking on the wooden path, so we had no choice but to follow (like real dumbasses). It was pretty cool to encounter wildlife up close. Check out our pics. Full set on Flickr. Yosemite is gorgeous!!

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Comfortable with Feeling Uncomfortable

In a lot of my professional development and coaching work, there’s a phrase that comes up frequently: Learn to be comfortable with feeling uncomfortable. This concept has probably been THE theme of the last several months of my life. In the past, I had always prided myself for doing all kinds of self-help/self-improvement but honestly, these last several months have tested me at a totally different level.

At the end of April, I attended a training in SF on storytelling for nonprofits. The speaker was a very impressive woman with commanding presence. She was a former broadcast journalist who had started her own video production company, crafting video stories to help nonprofits promote their work. I had just busted my ass speed walking from the Caltrain station to arrive at the classroom on time, and within the first two minutes of starting the talk, she gave the audience an assignment. Think of a story you want to tell. Now split up into partners, and tell your story in two minutes.

Hold up!!! Are you fucking serious? Already, I’m being subjected to this socially awkward activity? Shit!! I mean, what story am I gonna tell? She gave us a whiteboard list of suggestions like, a pet story or a travel story or a relationship story or a funny story. Goddamnit, really? I thought of my blog: surely, I’d be able to draw from my recent posts…

Nope. Nada, because ALL of my posts from the last two months have been about Remy, and shit, there is no way I’m going to bring that up to a stranger and lose my marbles in the process. I started panicking. WTF??? Thankfully, the rational, calmer part of my brain started convincing myself: you say you’re interested in communications work. This is what that shit is all about. (In other words, serves you right, dumbass!!) Now, think fast and go!

Luckily, my partner was some old startup exec, who apparently had his startup story all ready to go at the tip of his tongue. So he volunteered to speak first. That bought me some time. He talked about attending a bunch of hackathons, cobbling together an unexpected/unlikely team of developers, and then forming a startup to solve some medical patient education issue. Done. I had wanted to use his talk time to plan my story, but I actually had to pay attention, so that plan totally fell through. Then it was my turn, and the only story I could think of that was NOT about Remy, was my airplane story with L. Ugh. I wasn’t really confident in that story, but I had zero time so I rolled with it. I got through the story and then sat back utterly relieved. Then, the speaker asks, “Who wants to share their story with the class?”

Whaaa?? Jesus Christ. Enough already!! Thankfully, a few extroverts piped up. Then, my partner volunteered to tell his story, which basically came across like a company plug. Then the speaker asked, “Who has a personal story to share? …Does anyone recommend their partner’s story?” OMFG, she’s a freaking insatiable badger!!! So I sit there thinking, whatever. I’m in the front row, but I’m not gonna volunteer, and my partner’s not gonna recommend me. Let’s just get through this and on to the meat of this talk. Well, whatdya fucking know? He recommends my story. Yeah. Are you kidding? So then, she urges me: “Come tell your story.” She senses my hesitation and then says, we won’t force you if you wish to decline. Well great. Give me an out that makes me look like a wuss!!! So fine. I agree to do it. She makes me stand up and turn around to face the room full of like 50 people. I power through. And all during, I get dead stares and bored faces. Shit, shit, shit!!! She rings the silly little bell at the two-minute mark, and I’m not even done! I finally wrap it up in 30 seconds. Fuck. I mean, I’m someone who “Elizabeth Doles” every speaking opportunity possible, so this on-the-fly crap was a complete nightmare. It was awful. I don’t even know if people liked my story, but whatever, I got ‘er done. And as perfectionist as I am (I still think about how I could have told the story better), in retrospect, I’m glad that I stood up and spoke. It didn’t kill me, and surely, as I do more of these uncomfortable exercises, I’m desensitizing myself to the annoying anxiety and awkwardness, right? I’m going to overcome that shit, because I cannot be inconvenienced, you know what I’m saying? 🙂

Off the Wagon

Yeah, this has been a trying week. I haven’t been sleeping well again: Bubbey’s snoring has hit an all-time high these days, so I sleep on my CB2 daybed now in my office. Even when he wears the nose strips, it doesn’t help. When I reflect back to this past month, I feel so discouraged about the lost time… like already, almost another month has come and gone. In March, I was feeling so awesome: I had been doing that 7-minute workout, I was getting my energy back, I was ramping up with my coaching sessions and professional developments and networking, I was doing stuff with friends… Then, Remy started having issues again, John went home for a week, came back, and bam, she was gone.

Sure, I had visitors and whatever to distract me and keep me from crying in bed all day, but shit, no matter how you slice it, I’m officially off the wagon… off ALL wagons. I haven’t been to the ranch since god knows when. No 7-minute workout. No spinach smoothie diet. No ukulele. No committed meditation practice. No yoga. No nothing. I even stopped my weekly coaching sessions. I mean, all facets are just stopped.

I try to rationalize all this loss of momentum. Sure, the loss of Remy is massive. Three weeks later, and I’m still crying at the drop of a fucking dime. I had a job interview this afternoon with an area city. It was an interesting experience– pretty sterile and hyper-procedural to be honest, but whatever. I went to the mall after that, and had myself a bit of retail therapy, and then in the car on the drive home? Tears. Later this evening, I go soak in the hot tub. More tears.

I dunno what I expected in terms of where I would be by now… I mean, I’d always dreaded her passing, anticipating with fair certainty that I was going to be a disaster afterwards. And then I thought I handled it relatively well when the time finally came, but now I find myself wondering when will I truly get back to normalcy? Am I demanding too much of myself? But I mean, what happens to people who have to still show up at a job and shit? I dunno. Sometimes, my mind is just unrelenting, you know? If I’m not obsessing over what’s wrong with me, I’m obsessing over external factors, other things in the world that I cannot control.

Recently whenever I’ve looked at myself in the mirror, I see such a tired and aged face. My skin texture is better (thanks to the acne brush on my Clarisonic), but damn, my eyes or something just look frickin’ haggard. What the hell???? And my arms are flabby again. When I tried on a bunch of sleeveless tops today at the mall, shit was squishing out the sides. WTF. I know, I’m doing it again: the goddamn nitpicking. Argh, have I learned nothing from all those positive psychology classes and readings? Don’t expend the energy on the self criticism and blame: get back on the damn wagon! Yeah, that 7-minute workout. Such a minimal time commitment, and it really got so much easier after I started doing it consistently. Well that’s all down the drain. I have not picked it up again since Pamela left the day after Remy died.

Argh. Maybe tomorrow. Mind over body. Mind over body. I’m so tired and unmotivated, like I need a boost from somewhere, something, I dunno what exactly. I just don’t know. I suppose that’s what signals a funk, right? Some nebulous malaise and lethargy with no real answers. I feel myself slipping in a fits and spurts kind of way: two steps forward, three steps back kind of thing.

This weekend, John and I are celebrating our 11th wedding anniversary in Yosemite. We’re taking Martin along. Remy was with us for all the other anniversaries. Sometimes, John would even have the pups “sign” my card. But she’s gone now. She really is gone.

Different Realities

So after I wallowed in self pity earlier this week, crying about how certain friends were lame and didn’t care, I had a conversation with Bubs last night. I had drafted a note in response to my friend’s text, and basically, I tried to explain how hurt I was by his lack of follow-through and investment in our friendship. For some reason, I felt this obligation to be honest, to say something, rather than to just drop him suddenly. Initially, it seemed more adult and mature to share what I was feeling. And yet, when I discussed this with John, he said there was really no point in verbalizing my hurt and disappointment. What kind of reaction did I expect from this person after saying these things? He would only feel guilt, anger, annoyance… he would likely think, “I have a lot going on, so I’m sorry if you’ve felt neglected. Fuck you, then!”

Wow, really? John proceeded to say that people don’t have bad intention… they just get caught up with other parts of their lives. Why do I feel the need to apply such a scorched earth policy? Yeah, Bubs tells it to me straight. Maybe it is more for me… for my own closure, but he suggested that this could be an area for personal development, where I step away from such a binary view of friendship. Maybe re-classify relationships as dormant or active: people fall in and out of the active phase, but who knows, maybe later down the road we will reconnect and I might even call on them for something specific. Is it really necessary to burn all the bridges?

Then I REALLY had a meltdown. I mean, what the fuck is wrong with me? I don’t know why I do this. I feel so compelled to speak what’s in my heart, and the consequence is that I’m unkind and just plain stupid. Later that night, I thought about the other times in my life when voicing/complaining about lack of attention yielded really harsh, negative reactions. Years ago, when John and I first started dating, I was so obsessed with our relationship. It was all about John all the time. My good friend N called to complain that I had dropped all my friends, and that I had changed. I grew so angry and irritated with her. Who are you to demand my attention? I’m not married to you. I’ll give you whatever attention I want when I want. There was something about her clamoring that really rubbed me the wrong way, and I refused to apologize for anything. I didn’t even agree with her accusations. The conversation went bad really fast. I was ready to just drop her ass. Years later, I guess she experienced something similar from a few of her friends, and so she called to say that she understood my reaction… But the point is, neither party was really right or wrong, it was a mismatch of timing– of where we were in our lives, of where we derived joy and energy, and things had shifted from the earlier status quo. I realize now that she wasn’t trying to accuse me of anything. She was simply trying to say that she felt hurt.

A few years ago, when John and I were in couples counseling, I remember that my biggest issue was that he was working too hard– at the sacrifice of our relationship. I didn’t feel he was engaged and paying enough attention. When I tried to verbalize this to him, he reacted exactly as I had done with N and as he suspects my friend would react were I to send my note: defensive, angry, dismissive. He disagreed with my accusations and insisted that he was doing his best. I remembered crying and feeling like he was asking me to back up my statements, to provide proof. It turned into a debate, and finally, the therapist jumped in and said: “She is telling you that she feels hurt. She doesn’t feel valued or treasured. Whether the ‘facts’ uphold the claim or not, this is how she is feeling. She’s telling you that she feels sad and unloved. Those feelings are valid no matter what you or she thinks is the truth.” And there it was: we (both engineers) had gotten so damn hung up on the “facts” and the truth. The therapist finally said, there isn’t just one truth or one reality. Both people for any given situation may have completely different reads on the circumstance, and yet both interpretations are TRUE. Whoa, what???? I was feeling undervalued. He was feeling exhausted and unacknowledged and criticized. We both loved each other very much, but somehow we’d divided ourselves onto opposing camps and more importantly, we had started to question and doubt each others’ intentions. In other words, amidst this heated debate, we’d really started to imagine malice and ill-intention in the other person.

And so last night, I argued that my intention for the letter was to share how I was feeling. But John said there was really minimal chance that the reaction and outcome would be positive. And thinking about these past scenarios, I can see what he’s saying. I remember that the therapist did say it was important for me to have some way to express my needs in our marriage before things got to a breaking point… a lot of that work involves saying, “I feel” rather than “I think.” And bringing my concerns up lightly without anger and criticism, to include suggestion in what I’d like to see… And then she suggested catching things early before they built up… I know, all these parameters come into play. Sounds frickin’ impossible to navigate, right??? I mean honestly, I still don’t have a clear sense for how to do this, and perhaps this level of frankness is still only reserved for marriage…

So I dunno. That’s that. I suppose the approach with friends is to build my tolerance and patience for those who are less responsive than I’d like, and to NOT question intention. Perhaps even make up a story that yeah, there’s just lots of unimaginable, crazy life things happening. And then to be grateful for what people can give and trust that they are giving as much as they can. Yeah, part of the ESTJ in me thinks I’m just making excuses for them. Just sayin’. But like John said, consider this an exercise in personal growth: don’t hate, be open, be gracious. Shit man, this “different realities” concept blows my mind. every. damn. time.

The Meaning of Friendship

Sometimes, I REALLY want to take the “radical honesty” approach.

I’ve always considered myself to be a good friend. I take a lot of initiative; I invest a lot of time. I think a lot about people I love, and how I can help them. I don’t always have answers, but I nearly always try really hard to find them. When I have parties, a lot of people I invite come, and my friend T says it’s a testament to people really valuing my friendship.

Lately though, I’ve been feeling pretty alone. Maybe all of this is exacerbated by Remy’s passing, but I dunno: she passed away, and while most people responded immediately, some people are still out of the loop completely. And so I feel frustrated and disappointed. I haven’t had the energy to tell everyone and anyone, and yet it’s just another example where if I don’t do the initiating, no one else does. No one fucking cares.

Sure, there are different levels of friendship, but god, what I hate most are people who say they want to spend time, they want to grab lunch, they want to stay in touch, blah, blah, blah. And then, unless I coordinate, nothing ever happens. Fucking follow through with what you say!! There were friends too who were mostly email buddies/penpals due to distance. If I didn’t keep up with regular emails, months would go by in silence. I heard from one of those friends today… seriously, nearly two months later. “Hope you’re well.” Really? Do you even give a fuck? I’m not well. at all. I lost one of my oldest and best friends this month, and did you even give a shit to check in, and see what was new? I know all of this sounds so petty and immature, but shit. Friendship is a two-way street. It’s not about me doing 80%, and you just showing up for the good laughs.

Yeah I know, life gets in the way and in their defense, how the hell are people supposed to know we put Remy down? True but for one thing, if they’d been listening, they’d know that Remy’s health has been up and down for the last year and some. They’d know that Remy was getting up there in age. They’d know that for the longest time, I’ve had a fear and dread of losing her. Am I being too harsh? I dunno, but I’m so upset by this that I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face.

How much energy have I expended on people, hoping good things for them, wishing them happiness in life, trying to brainstorm ways for them to feel better about their circumstances? And how many have done the same for me. People from college. People from my last job. People who know I left my job last August. Do they give one iota about how hard I’ve worked on this whole journey of self discovery? Not even a line asking how I’m doing, what I’m learning… Sure, life happened for these people: they got married; got preggers; they had kids; they maybe had a death in the family… I know life is complicated, but I made space for these people in my heart and in my mind. And now I realize that it’s wasted space. Why have I bothered to care about these people?

And yet I hate people who aren’t gracious. And my reaction right now kinda falls into that category. But I’m still upset! Is the answer to 1) voice my displeasure 2) not respond 3) cool off and then continue with the 80/20 MO? I don’t want to behave by ignoring them and being half-ass in my communications, and yet the other options involve more investment and energy. I dunno. I feel tired now. T is coming over for dinner, and she herself had some pretty disappointing job news recently. I’m going to go to the store now to pick up some ingredients for two new dishes for dinner.

I hate feeling sorry for myself. And a part of me is embarrassed and ashamed that I am feeling all this negativity. But I’m angry, hurt, and disappointed. It reminds me of people who suddenly get rich, they say you really know who your friends are. I’m not asking people to wallow with me in misery. I’m just asking that for once, they initiate a timely, sincere, and genuine check in.