Shared Experiences

After returning from North Carolina, I fell into a funk. Of course, that didn’t stop me from forcing myself to stop in at the government job center in Sunnyvale. I had actually researched Nova (northern valley) before and noticed the superb Yelp reviews, but for some reason, I had just never gone. Then, while I was in NC, one of my contacts suggested I check out the services. So I did.

Admittedly, I went in thinking my resume was already the best it could be (after all, it’s already gone through a gazillion edits), but what do you know? I picked up some new tips, and now my resume and cover letters are even BETTER. Wha?? Was that even possible? 🙂 I know, I fluctuate between feeling rockstar confident and feeling completely and utterly broken. Story of my life. Anyway, I attended a few workshops and orientations and also met with a couple of career advisers. Both felt that my materials were pretty strong and that for me, I needed to boost my numbers: network more and submit more apps. So now I’m back on that wagon.

One of the advisers also recommended that I attend an orientation this morning for a job networking group. As with nearly all of these activities, we started off going around the room with individual 30-sec introductions. Ugh. I still dread those things, but I did notice that I’m less anxious about them now, so that’s promising. On the down side, I still kinda felt like I was in an AA meeting or a support group of sorts– we’re all a little defeated and a little uncertain. The trainer this morning talked about the emotional roller coaster during this whole job transition process. Sometimes I do feel a little sheepish–like we are some lame group of misfits or social outcasts– but today I found some comfort in knowing that my emotional ups and downs weren’t just about me. In fact, there’s nothing wrong with me: these highs and lows are just a natural and expected part of the process… and oddly, I felt a little validated from just learning that. So this networking group, should I decide to join, requires that people split out into groups/teams and then each member has to volunteer 4 hrs/week minimum helping to run the operations and group exercises. There are a ton of activities and role playing exercises to practice networking, interviewing , etc. Yeah, it’s super uncomfortable, to be honest. But I try to convince myself to consider this all as a game, except that shit, there’s so much frickin’ interaction!! One part of me wants to step back– it’s just too much people time and too much awkwardness and discomfort. And yet, if I give it deeper thought, I know that this is the new world order, you know? I left my comfortable, stable job to seek change, challenge, and adventure… Yes, I have grown tremendously in the last several months, but that’s not necessarily enough. This is how things are moving for everyone…

As I’ve met so many new people and listened to their personal stories, I’ve always felt like my own life had a lame, boring path. I’ve alluded to this before: I mean, I know people who have battled cancer, lived through war, suffered from disease, poverty, abuse… they have these incredible stories of fortitude and survival. So maybe in some weird way, this process is MY story of resilience and strength. In giving up my job, I didn’t anticipate losing my identity and self-worth, but  I feel now like I am fighting to earn those things back. Not that I will only regain them through employment, but that every day, I’m struggling to keep disappointment and failure from degrading my soul and spirit. I shouldn’t give up just because I’m tired, or because this new paradigm makes me cringe. If I indeed value learning and adaptability, then this is where the rubber truly meets the road. The world is changing; the markets are evolving… there’s no time or reason to be defeatist. The world won’t stop just because I want a breather.

This morning after the orientation, I was really leaning towards finding an excuse or easy way out. “I’ll just continue to network on my own; I know what I have to do.” But deep inside I know that I have to face this head on. It’s go time, and I have to pull out all the stops, goddamnit. Bring. it.

Bad Vibes

I am feeling so frustrated today. Last night, I was feeling negative vibes coming on, and I thought maybe today would just be a rest day. But then I got up this morning thinking that I should stop feeling so damn sorry for myself.

Honestly, I dunno what the hell happened. I was just in NC for two weeks, where I had a great time hanging with N, learning tons at Duke, and making new friends. I was feeling energized like I had a path forward. And then, I guess I didn’t hear back regarding a few info interview requests; I didn’t get bites (yet) for a few job apps; and I can’t seem to connect with anyone here again. Busy, busy and next thing I know, Marty is really my only companion these days.

My birthday came and went… and while I got lots of notes and messages, I didn’t get any cards… well, namely from Bubbey. Before I had left, he asked if I wanted to do a party or whatever. I just felt like it was too much work. Then, he’s been working crazy hours on a programming project. Really major hours. But still, I was really disappointed not to find a card in my suitcase or on the nightstand after I got home… it just made me feel really sad. I try not to be a demanding spouse, and I’m trying to be understanding with his job, but I’m bummed about it! And since I’ve been back, I have mentioned it a few times. Three days later, and still no card. Again, I chastise myself for having the expectations– even if I feel they are small ones. Remember how Bubbey said it was a totally bad idea to bring up “lack of attention or effort” to my friend? Well, maybe this is a similar case: I’m doing my best. So fine, I have to try not to care about the silly card.

Meanwhile, I’m trying to seek companionship and consistency and reliability elsewhere. Maybe from some of my newer friends, like S from the Duke class. She’s flying up from San Diego to be a camp counselor for the Children’s Skin Disease Foundation in Livermore next week, so I’m going to go visit. On Sunday, my friend B made a deal with the hubby to watch the kids, so we’re gonna go all out crazy. Cougar crazy. Haha, just kidding.

Interestingly, my friend J, whose long silence really upset me, texted a message asking if we were on emailing/speaking terms. Weird, right? That’s why I feel like he is actually a super sensitive person… not meaning thoughtful of me but just that he DOES have an awareness of situations, that things are different from before, you know what I mean? On the advice of others, I had just let that one go… I was getting busier and busier, and I guess I made a conscious decision not to prioritize there. It sounds like he is still super overwhelmed with fatherhood and work. I always feel such a strong pull to solve my friends’ problems. But I dunno. I’m feeling a little at the end of the string myself these days, so maybe I just have to conserve energy and refocus.

While I was out in NC, I received a text from my plane friend, L. He said he hadn’t heard from me in a while, and he just wanted to make sure everything was ok. Such a sweet gesture. I don’t mean to gush, but this guy is just my kinda person. During my layover in Dallas, I sent him a quick email telling him about the Duke program and that I was finally scheduled to meet with his friend, a high-powered female executive whom he thought I should contact, and the dude replied in like two hours. And he always replies that promptly. I know, I’m so damn particular, aren’t I? In my defense, I’ll bet other people are just as particular but about other things, and they just don’t write about it on a public blog. Haha. Oh well. This makes me think of a term one of the teachers used in the class last week: Homophily. We are drawn to people who are like ourselves.

I busted out my rollerblades for the first time in two years today. I was trying to work off my frustration. It didn’t really help since I’m writing my little tell-all right now. 🙂

Yesterday, I went to the job training center in Sunnyvale. A friend had recommended the place saying that I was doing all the right things on my job hunt, but maybe the advisors could help me tweak my resume a bit more for the area market. So fine. Sat in on an orientation and a resume class. Apparently, employers spend LESS THAN 30 secs per resume, so it’s not really an opportunity to be creative. It’s just 1, 2, 3, done. So that’s annoying. And same with the cover letters. I read the samples from the class and honestly, I thought they were lame. Sterile even, but whatever. Guess I should listen to the experts. So today, I reworked my resume, and I have an appointment tomorrow with the advisor.

Meanwhile, I’m still handling contracts and scheduling for the ranch. It’s fine, but now I’m really using it as experience. So far, because of my new contracts,I’ve brought in 100 new kids to the ranch. Ironically, I myself haven’t been riding since March. Maybe the cowgirl is no longer in me.

My New Clique

Wow, it finally happened today. I formed my very own clique in the class. Earlier in the week, I had invited some of the ladies to join me for a walk in Duke Gardens after class… I ended up going solo, because I gave like 15 minutes’ notice, but this time, I gave a few ladies some decent heads up as soon as I’d heard about an outdoor concert tonight in downtown Durham. One lady, from San Diego, I could tell was game for anything. We’d had lunch yesterday, and I had also overheard several of her conversations with other classmates: homegirl got OUT. Then I also recruited the lady who lives in my hometown of Frederick (She’s also Peruvian) and a lady with whom I had walked during lunch on Tuesday. A lady from DC also joined, so at the end, we had a good little group!

Btw, the San Diego chick is a superstar researcher. She enrolled in some hotel program and earned double points plus gym access plus free breakfast, plus appetizers/drinks plus blah, blah… Yup, my kinda gal. And the Peruvian? She just learned salsa a few years ago: after she decided to learn, she started going to salsa clubs, and in the end, she met her husband there!! This evening, after the concert, she hit a local salsa club solo. Again, my kinda gal. Grab the bull by the horns!!

So for tomorrow’s class on board governance, the teacher already sent out an email telling us to arrive early. Something like, if you arrive on time, you’re already late. Really?? What am I, a teenager?? Tomorrow night, he wants to have dinner with the class. That means I only have Saturday and Sunday nights left to plan activities with my latest clique. Hmm, what to organize??

Btw, today we had a field trip to a recovery center for people with substance abuse. We met people in the program and listened to so many moving, personal stories. I’m shocked by what alcohol and drugs can do to people… but the trip really reminded me again of human resiliency and fortitude. I am so amazed by how far people can come no matter their depths of despair. I was also reminded today of how far I’ve gotten away from volunteering. Goddamn, as a kid, I volunteered at the hospital and at the animal shelter. In college, I also volunteered regularly at the animal shelter and at an after school center for inner city kids. In Florida, Remy and I did that Dr. Dog program at Shands Hospital. In Virginia, I was a literacy tutor for adult immigrants… what the hell happened to all of that?? What happened to that idealism, that hunger for real impact, that commitment to implementing change? I’d like to get back to that sooner than later. Time to strategize once again.

Carolina on my Mind

Is that the title of a song? It sounds kinda familiar, like a James Taylor song or something. I don’t know. My brain is pretty tired right now. This last week in NC has gone very well. I had a wonderful weekend with N in Wilmington, and then everything has so far gone off without a hitch in Durham. My one-way rental car was fine. The hotel checked out fine: the room is clean, and wifi is solid. The building exterior and breakfast are a bit sketchy, but whatever, it is seriously right next door to the class hotel at half the price. Cost above quality, baby!! Haha.

So as you know, on Sunday, the day I turned 38, I ventured back on campus for the first time in probably 13 years or so. The campus itself is beautiful, but god, it has changed so much! Even the Levine Science Center, which was brand spanking new my sophomore year, looked totally old and decrepit. I went to the student center, my old dormitory, the engineering buildings, etc. Most of my old spots on West Campus and on Science Drive. It really brought up a flurry of feelings: nostalgia, regret, sadness… I couldn’t help but wish that I had spent my college years differently. I was in such a beautiful and magical place, and yet, I was so blinded by anxiety and worry, not to mention two years of frustration and anger from having to babysit my asinine brother. And my mother wonders why I don’t have kids.

Anyway, the Duke nonprofit management program started on Monday and so far, it has been freaking awesome. The teachers are really excellent: they are organized, methodical, and the material is super practical and relevant. I am learning so damn much.

On the other hand, the networking with classmates hasn’t quite panned out for me; I’m not exactly sure why. Maybe the group is TOO diverse, but oh well, I am just so pleased with the content. And the crazy thing is, once all my costs are tallied, this program will actually come in only a few hundred bucks more than the SFSU program that spans several months doing a Friday night + all day Saturday schedule.

While in town, I’ve also managed to meet with a few people whom I had contacted through my info interviewing process back west. Those in-person meetings have gone great: the people have been remarkably nice, not to mention, beyond helpful. For the remaining nights, I don’t have activities planned, but I will likely ask around and see if some of the classmates want to hit the town for dinner or something. Classes will run through the weekend.

So when I had spoken with my mother last week, she had somehow forgotten that I was doing this program. Then when I told her again, she asked if it was part of an MBA program. No mom, it’s freaking 8 days. No one is going to earn an MBA in just over a week. I know, it was probably just an innocent question, but well, what can I say: the nemesis ruffles my feathers. Then she made some comment about how it’ll be hard to absorb all the info for a full day now that I’m older. She has realized that she has trouble staying awake during lectures and talks. Fair enough, except that I am 30 years her junior… And, little does she know, I am on a learning binge, so that is not a problem!! After class yesterday, I even came home and reviewed all the notes and then tried to read the financials. Sadly, the teacher kinda rushed through it towards the end, so now I don’t quite have that one down. This morning, I tried to ask some classmates about it, but no one had really looked at the materials after class, and no one seemed concerned. I guess I’m kinda intense about my learning. I will ask different people tomorrow.

And now it’s almost 1 a.m., and I am still up. I guess I was feeling some anxiety tonight, because I did some more job searching. Truthfully, I feel like I wasted the last six years of my life at the District. Nonprofits don’t consider government work nonprofit experience, and then because I did this combo of tech and communications, people don’t seem to want that either: the demands are either hardcore tech (i.e. Salesforce, coding, or database) or hardcore communications. So I’m just frustrated. I sent out some more info requests tonight, and maybe my next step will be the environmental focus, as one of my info interviewees suggested since that’s what the District mission was and that was also my academic background. That or I might just work to get that Salesforce certification. Sigh.

I keep running all these different permutations in my head… I am really antsy to work again in these new areas. I suppose I should just finish this class first and then see what simmers and rises to the top afterwards. Time for bed.

[[FAG id=7412]

Full of Hatred

Wow, first week of June is over already. Shit, who the hell can keep up???

Well I had a coaching call this week; I submitted for three new jobs; I had another info interview, and then on Wednesday night, I flew out to NC. It’s been so great seeing my buddy N again. I was just in Wilmington, NC last September, and when I left, I really didn’t know when I would see N again, much less be back in NC. Thankfully, we have reunited sooner than later. The big news? N reached her target weight. Holy crap, she is a skinny mini. I mean, even from September, the transformation is huge. I am so proud of her. It really has been a long and arduous journey fighting her way back from rock bottom, and I know that each day is still a struggle. That’s what is so inspiring about her story: this is a constant struggle and an ongoing work in progress. I’m motivated by her courage and diligence.

Just like last time, as soon as I got off the plane, we were back in sync. My first day here went great. We had dinner with her mom and several college buds at a very nice spot by the riverwalk downtown. Then we came home, and she nearly whooped my ass with ping pong. I know, whitey’s suddenly got game!! Shit. Thankfully, I managed to rally by the end of the night and tie up the games at 3-3. I’m gonna have to pull out all the stops for the match game. For reals.

By evening, I was pooped, so I went to bed around 1 a.m. Yup, this good streak was not to last long. Why?

Because at 4 a.m., my mobile phone started buzzing nonstop. WTF? At first, I was really worried that maybe it was some emergency in the middle of the night. Nope, it was just my brother writing me on FB messenger, and by default, that shit is NOT muted on my phone. So every single line of text resulted in a buzz. What was so fucking important? Nothing. Nothing at all: just more of his religious indoctrination bullshit: Come meet my master, and change your life for the better. After an entire paragraph of this nonsense, I let it rip. I started replying in real time: I don’t believe in your newfound cleansing and purity, and I sure as hell am not going to listen to this proselytizing. I mean, seriously, does your master endorse bullying and harassment and blackmail? I won’t go into the details to support my choice of terms, but I’m only telling it like it is: when people say no, they mean no, so back the hell up.

In reply, he asked how any of this was considered bullying. Either you’re playing dumb, or you really are clueless. Why don’t you ask every family member in Taiwan who has attended your intro religious meeting and refused to join how they feel? Do you and your cronies even know what choice means? Do you know the difference between yes, no, and maybe? Stupid fuck. Then he went into an entire tirade calling me self-righteous, and who am I to judge and condemn him. Um, I’m sorry, but do you live in the real world or what? We make decisions every damn day based on people’s actions. I don’t give a goddamn iota whether or not you think I have “the right.” I certainly don’t wait for your sorry ass to tell me what is or is not acceptable. It is my choice to disagree and reject your annoying “suggestions” on how to live my life.

Oh, I had a lot to say, and he asked with such incredulity, “How can you say things like that to me? You are so hateful.” Wow, really? You are going to turn this onto me? After all the past and present pain you put my family through, you’re going to criticize me for calling you on your bullshit?? Boy, you are barking up the wrong tree. I can rattle off example after example of your selfishness, your entitlement, your misogyny, and your manipulation… an entire lifetime full of toxic sludge. No, I am not perfect. I’ve done immature, hurtful, spiteful, and mean things in my life. In many ways, I was a mean girl. But I can live with how I conduct myself and how I live my life.

Don’t mention your scammer of a shifu (master) to me anymore, because I will blow this situation completely out of the water. Go back to your den of denial and lies. You don’t seek the truth at all.

[FAG id=7410]

Trade Secrets

So John and I have been talking lately about doing something different. We’ve been in the Bay Area now for nearly eight years… the longest we’ve ever been in any given area in our adult lives. I think Silicon Valley is wearing on us a bit: the hype, the pace, the constant hustle. So we’re brainstorming some other options… I mean, I’ve been spending a lot of these last several months thinking about how to live life, what to spend my time doing, etc. I feel like I am “on to something” again, with this path that combines communications, web, project management, relationship/partnership-building, problem-solving, and social good, but I’ll have to see how all of this materializes.

I’m trying not to overthink everything as I typically do; instead, I’m trying to savor the moment and really take pleasure in the journey… that’s hard for me to do, but I’m trying. Today, we took a day trip up to Sonoma. It was really a spur-of-the-moment thing, so I didn’t get to plan to the extent that I normally would have, but we had a nice day. We walked around the square, had lunch at the Girl and the Fig, got some cheese and crackers later and sat outside. The traffic going north on our way home was insane, and it just reminded me again about all these people, subjecting themselves to some ridiculous commute. I mean, for us, we were blazing through in the carpool lane, but on the other side of the median, traffic was not moving at. all. Why do people live like this? Is it the story of sacrifice? of building character and strength through hardship? or is it really just about acceptance because that’s what society so often teaches us… this is what and how life is supposed to be: this is what everyone else does.

In the drive up to Sonoma this morning, I was very quiet in the car. My mind was just going 100 mph thinking about more ways to hustle, more ways to chase leads, how I was going to work to live a different life for ourselves. I was kinda stressing internally, and I was drafting “hustle” letters in the car, starting to get carsick. I could feel a headache coming on. And then, I received a Yapta alert. Yapta is a website that tracks airfare changes. Whenever I buy airfare, I then input the details of my flight purchase, and Yapta tracks changes in the price. For some airlines, you are eligible for flight credits when the airfare dips below what you paid; other airlines charge a min $75 or $150 change fee (so the price has to dip more than that to make the change worthwhile). Long story short, we’re flying to Atlanta in September for my college roommate’s wedding. The fares dropped about 20% today, so I received the alert and then subsequently (meaning in the car), I went to the Southwest site to “modify” my flight (re-book the same itinerary) at the lower rates. Now I have over $200 in credits that I can apply to air travel somewhere else!! Pretty sweet, right? Sorry to ramble about all of this, but the point is, I was in an intense zone in the car, and then this Yapta alert really made my day. And I was super proud too, because Yapta actually doesn’t track Southwest flights, but I figured out a way to “game” the system. You see, Yapta does track AirTran and since Airtran and Southwest are now merged, I set up an “indicator” itinerary using codeshared or similar AirTran flights for the same travel dates as my Atlanta itinerary on Southwest. My assumption was: if AirTrain fares go down, so will Southwest fares because they are now under the same company. Needless to say, my hypothesis tested positive, and I scored my credits. Yippee!! And btw, Yapta has saved me several hundred dollars. I’ve already cashed in on fare drops at least four times!! I find it works best for JetBlue, Alaska Air, and AirTran/Southwest. For the other airlines, the change fees mean that the fare has to drop pretty damn substantially… Interestingly, there is now a similar site (Tingo) for hotel rates, but I have yet to use it. Tingo requires that you book through them directly in order for them to start tracking the reservation. Anyway, that’s secret #1 that I’m sharing oh so generously with you today. 😉

Secret #2? So we were in Sonoma driving around, and suddenly John had to use the bathroom. We were trying to find a place to stop, buy a drink, and use the restroom, but we were in that part of town where all the shops were really small and kind of junky. Then I suggested we drop by our old fav: the Fairmont Sonoma Mission Inn. Love that place. So we parked, strolled on up into the lobby like we owned the damn place, used the restrooms, washed our hands with the fancy apricot soap, dried our hands with the cloth towels, slathered on the hand lotion, and then chilled out on the couches. I actually would have eagerly gotten a glass of wine, but no one was running the bar. Oh well. It was the perfect little pitstop: so roomy and posh and clean. I probably would have enjoyed spending some minutes cozying up in the Adirondack chairs on the manicured lawn, but off we went. John commented that my idea was a great scam, but wtf, am I really “scamming” them? I mean I have patroned the place three times before, plus I talk that shit up to all my peeps… whatever. I just don’t like being called a scammer. I’m just sharing a secret, if you will. That’s my story anyhow, and I’m sticking to it. Incidentally, this is a good reminder for me to book another pool day there using their good neighbor promo (kudos to G for turning me on to that secret!).

Race Against Time

I’ve been feeling super fatigued lately. Over the Memorial Day holiday weekend, I slept a shitload. My body just felt so damn tired. I know, when most people hear about me sleeping a ton, they suspect depression, which I suppose is possible but dayum, I hope it’s unlikely. I was feeling so physically tired, like my body just could not move, like my body couldn’t even climb out of bed. Maybe some of this makes sense, because I’ve had trouble sleeping again lately: I’ve been staying up really late working or reading or just thinking… John’s snoring is not getting any better, and on top of that, he’s been having some pretty serious back pain.

Why are we broken? Are we so fragile that a few years shy of 40, we’re already riddled with such ailments? It just doesn’t seem right. Have we gotten soft, or were we were always this feeble? WTF is going on??

At times, I feel so full of determination and resolve, you know? Like I’m going to figure this shit out, and I’m going to hustle like nobody’s business to find clarity, strive for success, and attain fulfillment. And then, I suffer a few setbacks, and I lose momentum. After a few days, the cycle starts again. Up and down, up and down. Jesus, and I consider myself to be a pretty reliable and steady person. But lately, I’ve been thinking again about this feeling of squandered privilege.  I’m trying so hard to get this right, to live my life with purpose and intention, to not have any regrets, but where am I headed and on what schedule??? I’m moving in a direction; yet, every damn day my patience and faith (in the process) is tested. What is the problem here? Not enough confidence? Poor self perception? No self awareness? Lack of resiliency? And as I write this, it becomes clear that self-doubt is the common theme with all of this. Surely, the problem is me, right? Not smart enough; not competent enough; not polished enough; not talented enough; not hungry enough… I know, are you sick of the broken record yet? I recognize the pattern; I am aware of the onslaught that so often follows the setbacks. And goddamnit, I really should know better. After all, I’ve read all those books on personal growth and development. Confidence and courage are so damn critical; yet, I find these qualities to be as fleeting as they are important. Is this some insane, torturous mind game I just keep playing with myself?

Last week, I vowed to “sell the house” a la Carolyn in American Beauty. I stepped up my game. I reached out to new people, to old people, to more people, with better strategy and more gumption. Some replied (yay!); others didn’t. I know, it was a holiday weekend: maybe people are still getting caught up, but tomorrow will be a week later. It’s a numbers game, I remind myself.  I comb through my contacts spreadsheet; I research more; I study more; I keep plugging. But I still falter, why?

Last week, I was reminded of death again. An acquaintance who had acquired a horse less than one year ago, lost him suddenly, after a freak accident forced her to put him down. It’s a tragedy that tells me to count my blessings and be grateful for each day. That UCSB incident? Again, life is so damn precious. I don’t really fear death, but I fear untapped potential. Every day, I feel a pressure to be true to myself, to live authentically, to “make things count.” I feel rushed, and I don’t know how to balance that with the mindfulness and meditation. That’s the irony in all this, right? I seek peace and yet, time is so finite and there is no time to lose. So what’s the strategy? Appreciation and enjoyment in the now; satisfaction in the ongoing journey; faith that the path will lead where it needs to go. Baby steps, patience, and perseverance. Sounds simple. Ugh, I really gotta Andy Dufrense that shit. (Holy crap, I just realized that YouTube has EVERYTHING!!) And btw, I don’t really watch that much tv: clearly, all the films I reference are from the late 1990s. Shrug. Nose back to the grindstone.

Moving Fast

Things have felt super accelerated lately. Somehow, something has lit a new fire under my ass, and I dunno: I’m just really hitting the pavement hard these days. Like even harder than normal. Earlier this week, I cleaned the house: vacuumed, floor mopped, dusted, wiped down the surfaces, did laundry… I’m pretty sure my inability to sit still is what saves me from spilling too far beyond that +/- 5 lb. zone. Yeah, the flabby arms are still an issue, but shit, that’s a story for another day.

Anyway, two days ago, I read an article on Mashable about virtual companies, and whadya know? The piece turned me on to a new nonprofit tech consulting firm… one I didn’t know about previously (and my list is pretty long!). So immediately, I looked that company up on LinkedIn (my favorite online job tool EVER), and holy crap, they are hiring project managers, AND one of their staff lives in the Bay Area.!! So, I browsed around the company site, read up on some of her background and professional materials and introduced myself via email. Voila, we’re meeting for coffee next Tuesday. Yup, I’m taking this shit on fast. track.

Sure, part of me likes to take all the credit: my intro message is pretty damn kickass and compelling. That said, I also kinda know better. People who work in the social good sector (doing mission-based work) are just a different breed I think. They are so genuinely nice and gracious. They’re out there to save the world, and when someone (even a stranger) reaches out, they more often than not, respond nicely. And thank goodness for me, right?? I also noticed that this lady’s master’s degree is in women and gender studies, so that’s even doubly cool– a fellow feminist! I’m really excited to meet her. Fingers crossed!! Incidentally, the omniscience of LinkedIn also revealed that she has a co-worker in Durham, NC. Yup, that’s my next step: I’ll be contacting THAT lady for a meetup when I’m at Duke next month. Two birds, one stone, baby!

What else. This week I applied to a corporate citizenship gig up in San Mateo. I’ve got a call with someone who works in that department tomorrow morning. It’s a quasi-info interview plus I’m going to ask him about the gig. In preparation for the call, I watched a webinar he delivered in April about constituent relationship management platforms and got up to speed on his professional background. Gotta do my homework and all… Goodness, with all this “cold calling” and meetups with strangers, I might as well go into sales, don’t you think??

I attribute some of this recent motivation to those tv ads about Tony Robbins. Have you seen? He’s coming to San Jose next month for his Unleash the Power Within weekend workshop. Truth be told, I never wanted to like this leadership guru. I mean, what the fuck? So much hype, and really? Unleash the Power Within??? Come on!! But, a friend of mine attended his workshops, and now I’ve watched several of his videos… The guy is pretty. damn. convincing. If I weren’t so fucking cheap, I’d probably even go to his workshop!! He just has this palpable, contagious charisma, and I can really see how people get sucked in. I remember, two years ago I attended a conference where I met people who had attended his workshop. They were noticeably different from the other attendees… there was just a kind of vitality inside. Sometimes people say those programs are cult-like, but to me, who really cares what it is, so long as the people feel alive and energized to be better and to live better. Wouldn’t all of us benefit more from people getting out of autopilot to live with greater passion and intention?

I know, I need to start pacing myself with all these activities and events. I’m gonna skip out on Tony Robbins this time: instead, I’ve downloaded his free e-book. 🙂 I can’t be stopped!!! Muhahaha.

Do what you have to do
to be the person you want to be
who’s living the life you want to live

Do you like that? I wrote it myself. Well, I guess I paraphrased from lots of sources, actually. Whatever. The bottom line? Tony Robbins reminds me to dream big and to keep pluggin’.

Comparison Game

I read this line recently: “American parents just want their kids to be happy. Chinese parents just want their kids to be successful.” How true is that. Along similar lines, check out this article, I thought that being miserable was just part of being Chinese American. Ah, how central the “eat bitter” concept is in all Chinese storytelling…

Anyway, I was thinking about parenting this week, because well, my parents called me yesterday from Taiwan. I was handling some more real estate transactions for them, and so dad called to thank me. Then, Mom (shall I just start calling her my nemesis already?) got on the phone. She asked, “So, how much longer are you planning to try out this ‘different lifestyle’?” Yeah, as if I were living in a tree or sitting at home all day eating bon bons and watching soap operas. WTF??? To simplify, maybe I should just tell her I’m now a full-time student, because no matter how many times I explain, she just doesn’t. get. it. So annoying. Can the mother-daughter disconnect possibly grow any wider? Ugh. I can’t even believe that I am now nearly 38 years old, and this shit just keeps happening… I know. I need to pipe the hell down. She really does irk me though.

So anyway, I was thinking the other day about the comparison game, and how deeply ingrained that behavior is in my life. Why is it ingrained? Did my parents shove the concept into my being, or is this just how society works? For example, I was walking Marty at the park yesterday, and the leash got under his legs again. He NEVER readjusts to let the leash back out. I know, a minor thing really, but with Remy (and Helix even), she always stopped and lifted her leg to untangle. I started feeling really frustrated with Martin. Like come on, fix the leash!! Sometimes I would just tug on the leash, but he would ignore my signal, and the leash would just dig into his armpits. Other times, I would stop abruptly and again, he would just continue bumbling along. I distinctly remember thinking, goddamnit Martin, why can’t you be like Remy? And so there it is. Favoritism at its worst. I’m comparing him to a fucking dead dog.

The thing is, I think parents always try to be all PC about loving their kids: “No, I love them equally,” they insist. Really? I call bullshit. At least my parents never tried to throw out that malarky. And yet, I felt bad that I was comparing Martin with Remy. I explained my frustration to John, and in Martin’s defense, he said that’s just who Martin is: he’s easy-going, not particular, just happy-go-lucky. Then I felt like a real ass. I mean, I try to appreciate his good-natured, patient temperament, but he’s just so simple!! So yeah, the comparison habit crops up. A lot. Is it a form of grieving? Is it my perfectionism/lack of gratitude/hypercritical obsession rearing its ugly head?

Should I feel guilty for feeling closer to Remy? I don’t know. But the universe is definitely fucking with me: In the last week, I’ve seen three shiba inus in my neighborhood . Never saw any prior to this.

I miss Remy so much. My emotions are under better control these days, but sigh. She really was such a great dog. I have a birthday coming up, and I’d love to have a party with games and karaoke and all the usual festivities, but things feel really different this year. Yet another milestone that Remy never missed before.

I’m noticing differences too with Martin now. He doesn’t seem to hear as well. He’s starting to shuffle a little funny when he gets up or lies down. I really need him to go the distance right now… maybe he will if I’m more supportive and less critical. Fuck, parenting is hard!!!

Incidentally, I was just thinking of all the activities where I compare things: clothing, recipes, shoe sizes, emails, draft posts, photographs, the eye exam, parking spots, dining table locations, driving position on the highway, produce… am I the only one obsessed with this? One option is ALWAYS better than the other, right?? It’s a constant assessment and evaluation. No wonder I’m feeling exhausted!

This morning I woke up vowing to re-energize. For some reason, I’ve been thinking lately of Annette Benning’s character  in that movie American Beauty. She plays a realtor who goes through a dryspell of not selling any houses. One day, she wakes up and is completely determined to make a sale that day. She spends all day scrubbing the property, re-arranging the furniture, getting the place all ready, showing prospects, etc. and then it’s the end of the day and she has no bids/sales. Fatigued and overwhelmed with disappointment, she collapses into a meltdown. The weird thing is, I sometimes derive some strength and resolve thinking about her determination at the beginning of that day… but then, yeah I have to hope for an alternate ending.

Worn Out

I have a feeling I’m going to be a bit moody this week. This morning, I received notice that I didn’t proceed to the next round for a county job, for which I interviewed last week. I am realizing that my intuition is surprisingly accurate: I didn’t have a great gut feeling about the panel interview: I didn’t sell myself as well as I had in the past. It’s all good. I’s already been feeling a little bit like government culture isn’t the best match for me… Still, my competitive streak wishes I would have advanced in the game… you know, kept all the options on the table with only me to take them off. Ah well, cut my losses I suppose.

I was in SF this morning for another informational interview. I continue to meet really cool people, and goddamn, whoever invented this info interview concept is genius. I mean, really. It is so much more informative regarding culture and fit– which matters more to me than nearly all else. Today was my first time visiting a co-working space: my sense is actually that the environment is potentially distracting. I dunno.

Interestingly, when I registered at the reception, the dude complimented my red F21 pleather jacket. Haha. He said it channeled Michael Jackson. Not a fan of the MJ, but I am a fan of compliments. Made me happy. That little jacket… best $45 ever spent in terms of attracting attention. The guys love it for some reason.

So after my meeting, I schlepped all over the city: I ran some errands at the mall and then figured I would clock in some steps by skipping BART and hopping directly onto Caltrain. Road construction and several pedestrian detours later, I found that I had missed the train and goddamn, it was a windy day. I made a pitstop at Panera because by then, I was windblown, starving, tired (my bag had started digging into my shoulders), and sweaty as hell. I plunked all my shit down at a table, and my entire back was wet from sweat. Ugh, disgusting. And I suddenly felt so deflated. When am I going to find my place– not just job-wise but world-wise? I try to keep my spirits up, but lately, I’ve really wondered whether I am made for this world. I mean, don’t freak out: I’m not talking death or anything but geez, why is this process taking so long? And even though my life is relatively easy, why do so many things feel so hard? Like all this hustling. And then to maintain all the outward appearances too? Like looking professional and polished and shit. So much work!!

I mean, I didn’t even wear my fancy shoes today. When I finally do bust those babies out, how the hell am I going to shuttle in and out of the city while also carrying my load of crap? Someone really needs to invent beautiful TRULY COMFORTABLE, WALKABLE shoes that look swanky. For real. I mean, is the answer that I’m supposed to lug around my sneakers or flip flops and change?? Wtf??

Speaking of primping, I’m on another Pinterest kick, trying to get some new style inspiration and such. I recently came across contouring, and I am super fascinated. Admittedly, I have mild image issues, so this idea of “plastic surgery with makeup” is piquing my curiosity. Mostly, I’m drawn to the luminance: these women just have a glow… I think it’s pretty amazing, so I’m going to give it a try. Just got some bronzer today at Nordie Rack. Of course, John is skeptical. He thinks contouring may have great results for the camera, but maybe it’ll be too strong for real life. Well, beggars can’t be choosers: I would love to look fab in one realm or the other: real life OR on camera. Haha. The online tutorials make it look so ridiculously easy. I know. My self-projects are endless. Can’t help it. Sigh.