Head of Household

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It’s a new year, and I am checking off a whole shit ton of items on the to do. Actually, many of the things were back burner level of priority but I will say, it feels damn good to come outta the gates swinging and get shit done. It’s got me thinking though about other households throughout the country. There’s a LOT of logistics to handle… Who is taking care of these tedious things?!?!? J and I are just a household of TWO people. How is this being juggled with two jobs, kids, school, etc.?

First item I tackled was medical insurance. Since I’m an independent contractor, we have to get our own health insurance. After my monster medical bill at the start of COVID in 2020 (ERCP + gall bladder removal), I got firsthand experience seeing how much medical expenses can add up. I mean, even if we account for exaggerated pricing due to the continual battle between insurers and providers, I was in the hospital for a day and a half, and the bill was $110k. Yeah, let that sink in. Thank goodness, we were only responsible for $500 bc of insurance.

The point is, J and I are now squarely at that age where medical issues are popping up on the regular (hello frozen shoulder), so we def need coverage. For the last several years, we just got the Obamacare/Realtor group plan that ran about $1000/month (at least when we started a few years ago). I typically didn’t change plans year after year during open enrollment, bc I’m happy with Kaiser and I figured the annual increase would be marginal. Wrong. This year, our monthly premium increased from $1200/month to $1550. WTF? When I found out, the enrollment period had already closed. So I thought we were stuck for the next year paying an extra $250/month.

Of course, I immediately started panicking feeling like we were trapped. And then I did a little bit of digging and learned that various realtor associations offer group plans. So mine is through the state association of realtors but the local association also has packages. Long story short, since I changed from one local association to another, that was considered a “qualifying event” that re-opened the enrollment window. I mean, I won’t belabor it further, but lesson 1: pay attention to any notices about annual increases in insurance premiums and lesson 2: read the fine print.

With the local association, I’m able to downgrade our Kaiser plan and get that premium back down to $1200. Meanwhile, I get to keep my medical record number and continue seeing my current doctors. Yay!

The other low-priority task we did this month was bundle fiber and wireless service. We’d been on Verizon forever and the signal at home was shit. We just put up with it bc we knew switching was a pain. Well, this time we just ripped the band aid off. I met a super helpful store manager, talked to him a few times, and we got everything moved over, saving at least $100/month. The big lesson I learned from there? AARP recently got rid of their min age requirement!! And an existing membership can cover TWO people. So now not only do I get reading material that speaks to me (I AM Benjamin Button after all), but by piggybacking on my dad’s membership, I gain access to a whole other world of discounts (kinda like AAA) PLUS it saved me the $50 AT&T activation fee and granted me another 10% discount on the monthly bill. Yup, stack ’em up, baby. It’s been a while since I scored some good dealios, and I’d forgotten the highs I get from a sweet bargain. I know it sounds tedious, but once you get the hang of it, the savings add up.

Speaking of… I’m still using Rakuten/Ebates. Just a tiny extra step and over time, it accumulates to $1200 in savings just going through their shopping portal. And our upcoming midweek trip to St. Helena? One night is free. Hehe. I know, not the most exciting post for 2024. Just saying, you can save some dough if you pay attention. That’s all for now. More exciting stories to come. Hurrah!

Two Bosses

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John always jokes that my father and I are very similar. I mean, like they say: the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree… And the reason we clash is bc we both like to be the boss. John always describes us as the two bosses: one boss bossing the other boss. I won’t disagree. Each meeting essentially becomes a monster to-do session, with my dad ranting off a laundry list and I’m the executor. The thing is, he likes to give me entire brain dumps of tasks… like even while I’m in the middle of working on one item, he’ll start going into details about the next thing. These are the moments when I come damn close to reliving my notorious “I’m not your fucking secretary” moment. I mean, he also hovers while I’m doing the tasks. Like a total maniacal micro manager!

So this time I went back, and his internet had shitty signal again. This has been an ongoing issue for the last several years tbh. I kept telling him to call the cable guy and get the shit upgraded and for whatever reason, he just couldn’t get it done. As a result, year after year, we put up with his devices jumping from one network to the other, causing all kinds of spotty issues with the printer, his phone, laptop, security cameras, etc. It drove me insane every damn time I had to remote tunnel into his computer.

So then this trip, I got sick on arrival and quarantined in none other than the bedroom with NO goddamn cell or internet signal. Yup, five days in the slammer with shoddy to nil service.

As soon as I got out, I hit up the Costco, bought a new $60 router, called the cable guy, and the next day, voila, we have freaking fire. Strong, reliable internet in every goddamn room. Was that so hard that I had to fly half way around the globe to get this issue fixed?!?! Apparently, yes.

Btw an example of dad the micromanager: so obviously, he has no clue about tech. Yet when the service guy came, dad asked me to explain the situation to him and then he wanted to explain it to the tech. I’m like dad: I got it. Why would I communicate thru you? This isn’t the freaking telephone game. I know the issue and I can speak in Chinese to communicate with the tech. Jesus Christ. I mean, my non native Chinese plus knowledge of tech is way better than your native language skills and zero understanding of tech.

I told you. In any given situation, whatever the answer is, my dad will select THE most complicated and circuitous route to arrive at the solution. For realz. Time and time again. FML.

So then the guy is there in the living room setting up the device that I bought. I’m already there giving the tech details like what to name the network, what password I want, changing the router log in, updating the firmware and then dad is there hovering trying to re-explain shit I already went over. I’m telling you: It was a goddamn shit show. I was like Dad, stay in your fricking lane!!! Can you see why it’s so damn challenging and exhausting spending time with my parents???

Unrecognizable

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Omg the Taiwanese are so obsessed with weight. Every time I go back, everyone’s all up in each other’s bidness about who got fat and who got skinny. And no, they don’t use any euphemisms. Everything is straight up radical honesty.

In recent zooms before the trip, my dad keep asking me if I had put on some pounds. I said I didn’t think so, and he was like are you sure?? Fucking Chinese. So uncouth about their topics of conversation.

Yeah, so during this trip, my family asked me how much I weigh. It was so foreign to them that I don’t weigh myself and do not know my number. As soon as I said that, my aunt busted out the scale. Yes, like they have a scale in every room of the house. I’m telling you. East meets west and then things crash and burn. I’ve gained maybe five pounds. To me, that is nbd.

Last year when my grandma died, my cousin AH went to stay overnight at another cousin’s (WQ) house. He and his parents told me later: OMG she got so fat. Her butt and legs… they exclaimed: she used to be one of our skinniest cousins!!! I’m thinking, yeah, of course she was, like when we were in our fucking 20s. The standards for women here are so ridiculous.

AH proceeds to say WQ’s face got so pudgy that it completely altered her face shape. She was practically unrecognizable. Yup, those were the exact words. In Chinese of course. Still. So damn dramatic.

I see her year after year. And she looked the damn same. John agreed. I called them out on it, and then they doubled down, saying she even admitted her clothes stopped fitting her!! As if that immediately meant she gained so much weight so as to become unrecognizable. Ridic.

I mean, depending on how tight a person wears her clothes, you can literally gain a measly 3-5 pounds and your clothes won’t fit. Calm the hell down people. Seriously.

Longevity Trumps All

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When I went back to Taiwan this year, my father demonstrated a renewed sense of interest in self care. After his two bouts of sickness/sepsis last year, he now has kidney disease and is obsessed with doing what he can to avoid dialysis.

It’s nice to see a focus now on diet and exercise also with the intention of keeping his diabetes in check, but I realized that this bizarre obsession is more about on longevity than anything even remotely related to enjoyment or quality of life. My paternal grandfather was rather similar in his sort of militaristic routine regarding his diet and exercise: he did his calisthenics, it was more about the number of reps than about being outside to enjoy the sunshine and fresh air. Maybe it’s all moot anyway… so long as the activities are done, there will be benefits one way or the other.

My father insists that due to his kidney disease, he can no longer get vaccines and boosters, so he feels especially vulnerable. For most people, I find they take precautions to minimize risk but the intention isn’t to live in a damn bubble so you never catch anything at all… Apparently, my father is in the latter category now, paranoid to the point of not really even leaving the house. Even for his exercises, he does them inside or upstairs on the rooftop terrace where he just walks in small 40ft loops. So unnecessarily cloistered, considering one of the city’s largest parks is just a stone’s throw away.

Whatever. From last year, dad has also made many dietary changes to combat the diabetes and high blood pressure. My brother of course considers himself a health expert/savant, so he is always emailing and feeding dad his unsolicited advice and propaganda. The household no longer cooks with olive oil, and my parents don’t consume flour either. I was turned off my the extremity of these changes… but my dad says his diabetes is better. He doesn’t notice any difference from cutting out flour, but he will continue with the regimen, bc he’s is ascetic that way. Needless to say, everyone in the household is now on this special diet targeting diabetes and kidney disease. I guess it was not a bad thing to change up my diet for a few days and consume more veggies, fish, soup, and lighter fare.

Overall, I will say the trip was a success. I got annoyed a few times with my dad bc he’s a control freak but other than that, there was a decent balance of forced rest aka covid quarantine, tech support, time with mom, self exploration, and visits with my cousins.

I was really proud of myself too for finding massage spots and spas and doing a lot of waking. My face was a total inflamed mess, but I did find a nice acne facialist and I am going to give her products a try.

There’s a lot about my family that feels too traditional and outdated. My aunt is still obsessing about the cousins who are unmarried. Remnant dreams of my grandfather kept being brought up even though he passed away years ago. I often wish my family would just get with the times and be more modern in their attitude and approach, but goddamn, they really are traditional and stubborn as hell. I mean, wasn’t there some recent census/stat saying half of all couples don’t have kids. It’s not like that’s a new concept. Get the fuck over it already.

This is partly why I won’t ever live in Taiwan. I can’t deal with all the conservative attitudes in my family plus the collective mentality. Oh hell no, folks. Stay in your frickin lane.

Pre-Travel Anxiety

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Every year, in the weeks leading up to my annual trip to Taiwan, the dread starts to set in. It’s almost part of the entire routine and ritual now… a foreboding precursor before I meet my parents again. For some reason, the anxiety felt a little heavier this time. I suspect the weight of it had something to do with me feeling more accepting of my personal limitations and shortcomings. Is it self-acceptance, or is it more an acquiescence or resignation even? I’m not sure, but this time I felt a real fear of losing my temper with them.

In the past, my rage would unfurl at the drop of a pin, with an intensity that took no prisoners. But now that I’m older and their fragility is so much more apparent, I really want to keep my cool and composure. I know the triggers run deep, but I have to do better.

So in my typical fashion, ahead of the visit, I spent time planning logistics: what items needed to be brought back (printer cartridges, new phones, gifts), what gifts to take, what activities to schedule, tasks in advance and during, who to see, where to go, yada, yada. Due to J’s work schedule and Bentley care (always an issue), I was going solo this time, and the 11 days was going to be an eternity.

For most people, that doesn’t sound like an exorbitant amount of time, but keep in mind, I do not even vacation for longer than 5-7 days. Yes, I am that fucking uptight. I think I’ve gone on maybe only two or three trips with J that went longer than 8 days. Needless to say, I was concerned (as were many of my friends) about this duration with my family. In preparation, I scheduled two therapy sessions plus a pedicure and a massage… all to get my bucket topped up. Sure, there were stressors and the usual bullshit that arose at work, but I really tried my damnedest to be in optimal form.

Then, mistake 1: I decided to get my relatives some last-minute gifts necessitating a trip to the mall DURING HOLIDAY SEASON. High risk behavior. Fucking A. Mistake 2: J started exhibiting symptoms but we didn’t give it too much thought, bc he’d been having asthma issues for a bit. Mistake 3: I booked a Thanksgiving week flight– bursting at the damn seams.

And so my journey began… 22-freaking-hrs door-to-door. The flight itself, as I mentioned being the week of Thanksgiving, was of course crazy. Maxed out. The airline kept dangling promos asking passengers to volunteer getting bumped. Despite my propensity for dealios, I resisted. I tried to make the best of a long haul.

Immediately on touchdown, J informed me he tested positive for Covid. Great. Nothing to do about it now, so I hopped the metro, train, and car ride to my parents’ home in Kaohsiung, I didn’t feel so hot on arrival– sniffly nose, burning eyes, headache… then again, I had just traveled for 22 hrs. I took the test. Negative.

In true task master fashion, I very quickly unveiled to Dad my newest strategy for giving him autonomy and control over his matters (Google Fi phone). He gave it a few test runs and after I got his printer back online and working again (you have NO idea how damn buggy all his tech is), he was back in business printing out statements and paperwork– happy as a clam.

A few hours later, I was in bed though, and the fever started ramping up. Yup, an awful start to the dreaded trip. To be candid, I def didn’t do my body any favors with all the pre-trip anxiety and worry. The day after arrival, I knew I was sick… for the first time since 2019 if you can imagine! The test came back a solid positive. Coughing, fever, congestion.

I will say, thankfully, it’s not the sickest I’ve ever been and for that, I am thankful to have received the recent boosters in late October. I’m now in Day 4 of a 5-day quarantine, aka a “forced rest.” Clearly, I’m not good at letting my body take a break. I need to learn some new healthy habits pronto.

The Drama Triangle

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I have a friend from my childhood who’s always been flakey. There were long stretches where she would float in and out of engagement. This behavior has always irked me. Not just from her, but from anybody. My brother pulled this shit when he headed off to college. I saw him behave like this with myself (we were actually close then) and his friends who always seemed to be the ones initiating, reaching out, checking in, making any effort. As J and I got older, we drifted away for many reasons but pretty much, we have been estranged since 2003 when he was living in our townhouse as a roommate, took a trip to Taiwan, and then never came back (leaving all his shit in my house).

I’m sure every person has some explanation for their behavior… I realized though that I don’t want to make space and time and energy for someone who is unreliable, undependable, and frankly unhelpful. All these years later, J is not only UNHELPFUL, he is an active saboteur. But back to my friend.

She has other reasons for the flakiness, and actually, I learned a long time ago that this was going to be an unbalanced relationship… one in which, I would be ignored and ghosted for long periods of time until there was a sudden and urgent need for help. In the past, I subscribed to this idea that “with privilege comes responsibility.” She had her struggles, and I always seemed to be in a position where I could help. So I did. But after multiple iterations of this stressful cycle over several decades, I’ve grown tired.

Now she’s supposedly back in the “re-engaging” phase, and I’m being brought in again to hear all the health and relationship dramas and issues. I’m done with this bullshit.

In my last call with my therapist, she introduced me to the idea of the Drama Triangle, where there are three players: the victim, the perpetrator, and the hero/rescuer. The interesting thing is that the roles can change and swap. But what I’ve realized now is that I no longer have empathy and compassion for the victim scenarios. I am not interested in being pulled into the Drama Triangle. I’m done serving as the rescuer who is “on call” whenever help is needed. And at the end of the day, people must be responsible for themselves.

If I’m spending more time, energy, and resources trying to revolve your problems than you are, something is not right. I’ve learned this hard lesson through my clients as well (I can’t want to buy/win them a home more than they do), and now I see it more clearly with my friend.

In the past, I helped bc I tried to honor our history together. But now, I’m done. I’m tapped out and frankly, I don’t have the patience to listen anymore to grown adults who avoid taking ownership of their actions and who gloss over the consequences of their behavior. Excuses will only go so far.

Back from Bend

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John and I recently returned from a seven-day trip to Bend, Oregon. His sister S is possibly contemplating a different lifestyle/environment, so she rented a month-long Airbnb in Bend, where a good friend of hers also lives.

I have to say, Bend has a LOT going for it. We were there in early September, so the weather was perfect, especially along the very scenic backdrop of a lake/mountain town. The population I’m told is around 120,000 which is decent, and as the city has grown markedly through the years, there is a lot of new construction– new retail, new facilities, shops, restaurants… it feels like a community where there is some mindfulness around its growth and development. And it’s small enough geographically that you don’t really have to contend with traffic congestion and any real urban sprawl.

I actually caught up a lot on sleep that week. All of us still worked and the Airbnb in many ways served as a coworking space with zoom meetings occurring in every bedroom, BUT it was a welcome and palpable change being able to step away from work midday and immediately hop on a bike trail riding along the Deschutes River. There was no leaving the house an hour ahead to account for travel time to the appointment.

I felt like the trip gave me a much-needed reminder that I do enjoy activities and being outdoors and doing things BESIDES sitting on my ass in front of the computer. I spent one afternoon at the roller-skating rink (new and gorgeous). Another afternoon riding our bikes. A third trying out an aerial silks (acrobatics) class (never again!). And yet another afternoon getting a foot massage and going kayaking. All this sprinkled in around several walks to/from downtown for dinners. It was a great experience re-imagining a different day-to-day routine and lifestyle.

On the downside, I will say, Bend is super white. A lot of Aryan nation-looking people. Not that they’re Nazis but just dayum, it was THAT homogenous. The stats say Asians comprise less than TWO PERCENT in Bend. It’s not that I’m uncomfortable around a mostly white population– I grew up in Frederick after all. But TWO percent is way small. And I still like to have my opportunities where I’m interacting with other Asians, speaking in Chinese.

In conclusion, the trip was a great vacation spot and respite. But after getting back home, I have to admit: I still love being in the Bay Area. Shrug. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. We’ll see what the verdict ends up being for my SIL.

Living Alone

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Back in the day when I was in my younger years (my 30s), I remember that I had many friends who were single. I thought the world of all of them, and it just didn’t make sense to me that they hadn’t found a partner. Granted, I know not everyone yearns for a relationship… in these cases, my friends DID. They just hadn’t found the right match.

I remembered thinking to myself though: gosh, what gives? They’re smart, funny, accomplished, active… WTF? For some of them, in the years that followed, things eventually turned, and they got hitched!

For the others though, they’re still solo. And I wouldn’t say they’re fine with that status, but they also are not taking any action to change the situation. I guess here’s where my judgey personality starts to creep in. I mean, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: we only have one life. If you’re miserable, do SOMETHING about it. You might get fatigued, tired, and sick of trying. So take a damn break. But after that, seriously, what is the alternative? There is NO choice other than to plug along. So take a respite, focus on something else, and then come back to it. Goddamn, I feel like I’m talking to my parents, who perpetually wallow in misery.

The other thing is… If you’re an introvert, shit needs to be nipped in the bud. More alone time is not good bc it only exacerbates future social anxiety. And all along the way, you just become more and more rigid and inflexible and uncompromising.

I share this bc a decade ago, I was wondering how the hell are these friends still single? Now, I KNOW why they’re single. They’ve become hypersensitive to the point that they cannot interact with other people without getting all bent out of shape when something is expressed the “wrong” way. Look, nobody is perfect. Nobody is a mind reader. You can’t expect perfect execution on word choice and tone and delivery every. fricking. time you communicate with someone. If you do, then expect to be alone. It is what it is.

Dipping the Toes

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I took a bit of a hiatus from the blog… work got busy and I dunno, I just got out the cadence of writing/blogging. I’m told too that no one blogs anymore. Turns out it’s too long of a medium (TLDR) or whatever. People don’t have time for your wordy bullshit. Whatevs. I’ve never been one to follow what’s trending anyway. For example, I got into SATC like ten years after the series started. Same with rollerblading. And I still wear my low-rise skinny jeans even though high-rise mom jeans are the thing. So sue me.

Anyway, the thing about my blog is that it’s more for me than for others anyhow. I happen to like having a collection or history of my life stories and experiences… and I enjoy the catharsis that comes from writing. It helps my brain process and declutter. So that’s why I’m jumping back in. I’ve missed it.

So let’s see: what’s happened since I last left. I’m still in real estate. My parents moved back to Taiwan full time around 2021. The last several months, business for me has been tough. Interest rates jumped from the low 3s to now 7s, and that’s certainly done a number on the slowbo buyers (my specialty) who took too much damn time trying to find THE perfect house or wanting to score THE perfect deal.

I dunno how I get stuck with these people. I’ve always been a very strong driver, where getting things done trumps all other things for me… so even though I relate very well to the careful and cautious, strong-attention-to-detail type of clients (trained up with my dad after all), they also drive me craaaazy. I try to be very blunt with them: I tell them this market isn’t for everyone. You’re not going to check off all the items on your wishlist. If you can’t move fast and accept a higher-than-normal level of risk, please have the sense to drop out and wait for a different market. Know yourself. Maybe that’s the problem though. People don’t really know themselves, I guess.

Needless to say, after many months of activity but limited wins, I was feeling incredibly tired and frustrated. A few weeks ago, I made a change. A new opportunity cropped up where my Chinese friend/agent partner split from her biz partner, and she needed someone to join her, especially on listings. Up until now, I was primarily working with buyers. In a competitive market though, where each home receives multiple offers, it’s tough to pull out the W. If you work the seller/listing side, you have a higher chance of closing the deal, bc the seller is the fixed side of the transaction. So, I made the move. It wasn’t easy bc I have a lot of loyalty to my former team and brokerage, but like I said, getting things done trumps all else in my book. So, despite the awkward and difficult conversations, I couldn’t be stopped.

Since the move, things have been swinging up. Part of it is that buyers are getting motivated again now that summer is coming to an end. The other part is that my new partner is very savvy and entrepreneurial. In the last ten days, I’ve had a lot of activity: listing appointments, new buyer consultations, offer submissions, a closing, etc. I’m back to feeling optimistic, if you can imagine that.

In other news, I am continuing with therapy. It’s cut back now to once a month, and I feel like my issues are pretty ingrained but the awareness helps and certainly, I appreciate having a sounding board. I am going back to brainspotting to see if that can help dislodge some of my deep-set thoughts/attitudes.

I am trying to be a little more balanced with my life too. It’s very hard for me to get out of my work mode/zone, but I am going on more trips/getaways. Nothing excessive– a weekend here, a few days for a trip to Bend over July Fourth holiday, etc. but it’s a bigger deal for me than you think. I am my father’s daughter after all.

The Kid Debate Rages On

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Parents kill me with their demands and expectations on how their children should conduct and live their lives. I am no longer harassed about this in part due to the passing of my paternal grandfather, but it’s disappointing to see this issue featured on a recent advice column. What’s that saying, “Live and let live”?

Carolyn Hax: Would-be grandpa scoffs at couple’s choice to forgo kids – The Washington Post