Crisis of Confidence

All the books on personal development and growth stress over and over again that confidence is everything. I have lived and understood this concept firsthand, and yet, some days my mindset is a real clusterfuck.

Since returning from Austin, I’ve been feeling especially tenuous, mentally. On one hand, I look around at a lot of the other agents, and I feel like my dedication is stronger and my method is more meticulous, more thorough, more careful, more intense. I know I’ll do a good job in facilitating any of the transactions. Other days, I get frustrated that so many months in, my leads still are not converting. I beat myself up for not being good enough, for being socially awkward/unpolished/inexperienced/etc. Why else don’t people want to work with me, right?

Then, John and I go socialize with other people, and I sometimes feel so self-conscious: I don’t watch their shows, I don’t drink their drinks, I’m unfamiliar with their hobbies, I don’t sync with their humor… and I dunno, what the hell can I contribute to the conversation?!?! By the end of it all, my self esteem is in the dumps. Like, why am I so boring? And when the hell am I going to fit in? When is this going to ever feel natural?

People close to me tell me I’m way too hard on myself. Maybe it is simply an issue of finding my tribe. For example, John’s tribe doesn’t have to be my tribe. But then that takes me back to my sphere of influence, whom I generally ping every month. Hundreds of people. Only a handful of replies much less leads. I feel exasperated, and my emotional state plummets further. Who does this? I mean, after an entire lifetime of being a social outcast/misfit, you’d think I’d be impervious to this crap. Apparently. not. Is it the influence of social media, creating this incessant craving for validation? It seems so ridiculously needy. SMH.

I’m trying to re-train my mindset to be more resilient, bc honestly, in this profession, I can’t afford the time nor the energy to keep getting down about this shit. That said, allow me to share my latest annoyance.

I reached out to my college roommate the other day. She’s the one who’s pretty much been a flakey friend ever since we were out of sight, out of mind and left school. Never kept in touch. I would send her gifts or notes or whatever. No reply. I found out on Facebook recently that she moved back to DC and had a second child. I suppose, that should have been an automatic drop. Erased from my life. But no. after the hurricanes, I emailed her to ask about her extended family in Puerto Rico. Partly bc I really wondered and hoped they were safe. And also bc my new profession tells me this is a relationship business as well as a numbers game. You have to reach a LOT of people. Maybe the lesson here is also that you have to qualify your leads. There’s no point beating a dead horse. Hmm. Mental note.

So anyway, now it is October 1. And I have to climb out from my stupid pity party and keep plugging. I need to dust myself off and rise again like the Phoenix. Haha.

Interestingly, I had a conversation last Thursday with another new agent. This dude is really inspiring. He is diligent about script practice, and he has all the different scenarios/scripts down. And beyond that, he has that confidence, that swagger. It’s helpful to see, bc when I watch/hear him deliver the scripts, that energy and momentum and charisma is undeniable. He is living proof that confidence is everything. So that is my hurdle I’m working to overcome. I need to build confidence, and I need more grit.

That agent, he actually shared a story from his childhood. He grew up dirt poor: he and his brother used to scavenge public areas for loose coins so they could pool the money and buy a McDonald’s hamburger to split. They were perpetually hungry. I know, it moves me to tears just thinking about people not having enough to eat… But the point of his share wasn’t to make me feel pity. His point was that everyone has his/her struggles and challenges. Bc he lived through that hardship and survived, this putting-himself-out-on-the-limb to be liked and to build rapport with strangers… it’s nothing. It’s just a game. If someone slams the door or hangs up the phone, who the fuck cares. He has lived through some real shit and that rejection is not going to break him.

It’s a good reminder for me. I mean, obviously, my life obstacles have been very different. But I see his point. I am strong. I have resolve. I know I will work hard and do a great job advocating for my clients. Rejection along the way will not break me.

New week kicks off tomorrow. Time to get my mindset straight again.

Geek Squad

So I’ve basically spent the last two days trying to get a Trojan virus off my dad’s computer. Yup, I’m pretty much the 24-hour hotline for product research, computer updates, vendor communications, medical records requests, appointment setting, contract work, you name it.

In follow up to my last post, dad DID actually take swift action and order the new iPhone 8 after I researched and presented the options. The phone is supposed to arrive tomorrow and then he needs to take it to the AT&T store to get everything moved over. Sadly, the solution is not so simple regarding his pc virus attack. This virus is actually a serious one, and all day yesterday, I was logged into his computer remotely (while attending a real estate training) trying various removal tools and scanners. Windows Defender said it removed the virus, but then a minute later, it would return. Given the number of accounts my father accesses here and abroad, it is a big deal.

Meanwhile, my training all day was on tapping into the luxury real estate market (Here it would be > $5M properties). It was fascinating learning about how servicing high-end clients differs from the moderate market. Like, bc these people tend to be entrepreneurial and used to stellar service, you gotta know more stats, be more business savvy, know about current events, use different terminology… It was intriguing and yet also frustrating. I dunno, I basically had an identity crisis after the class: like who am I? Who will want to work with me (vs. someone else)? It threw me into an entire tizzy. After I got home. I told John I wanted to take the DISC personality test again, and he was like, What’s the point? You are who you are. And don’t worry about the luxury market… that’s for later. Right now, you’re new so you just focus on the middle range.

I see what he’s saying, but at the same time, I feel like you have to have a target, a plan, and an angle for who I ought to be marketing to… Lately, I’ve been researching “farming” a ton. It’s basically this idea of distributing materials to a geographic area consistently. It can take as long as 18-24 months of mailers/door hangers/knocking every other week before the seeds begin to sprout. It’s a major grind but the concept is that through repeated exposure, you become the agent who is top-of-mind in that community. But it’s not just randomly picking the farm. There’s a lot of considerations: How many sales are there per year? Condos or SFH? What’s the turnover rates? Are big agents currently farming the area already? What kind of residents are they? Renters? Owners? Investors… it’s overwhelming. And then what content to send? I’ve gathered postcard ideas and researched printing/mailing costs… So anyway, my mind was in overdrive and then dad called.

He wants to get a new Dyson cordless vacuum for Taiwan. See what I mean? Always over-complicates everything. Last time he was in Taiwan, he was researching it, but the price is cheaper in the US. So this 73-y/o man is going to schlep at 12-lb vacuum in his airline luggage to save $2. Ok, it’s probably way more than $2 but you get my drift. And I realize the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, but when I do my deals, I don’t inconvenience others. I do my own research and carry my own baggage, so to speak. So whatever. Last night, he saw that Kohl’s has some deal where you get 30% off when using your credit card on a purchase. Can I (meaning me) research it and see how to get the deal? Jesus. Fucking. Christ.

But I do it, bc that’ll make dad happy. And frankly, who else is going to help him with this? Fucking A. Thankfully, I was able to determine pretty quickly that 1) those promos don’t apply to Dyson 2) you can get it cheaper on Amazon. Done. Purchased and arriving at his doorstep on Saturday. I’m telling you, it’s like managing TWO households.

I then did more troubleshooting with dad’s computer. I finally gave up and decided this is a job for the pros. Only option for his situation? Best Buy Geek Squad. That lead down another rabbit hole: what is their service, how much, how long, etc. Nothing is ever a simple 1, 2, 3 answer, right? Seriously, Geek Squad has a gabillion support packages and with varying terms and coverages. Ugh.

So the current status is: I summarized the situation with his laptop and emailed it so he can print it out and give the info to the Geeks. There is no way he can explain to them what steps I did to try and resolve the issue. He’s taking the laptop into the store today, and he’ll likely have to leave it for a couple days. Meanwhile, this morning using MY computer and with dad on the phone, I had to log into most of his accounts and change the passwords. Yes, he was reading his passwords to me on the phone, I was logging in, then he was reading to me his new passwords. And he’s not great with creating different, distinct passwords (who is).

I told him the best method is to think of a line in your favorite song or poem. Then, use the first letter of every word in that line. Add some numbers. That way, it’s not like Vicky2017 or something retarded/obvious. So I explain all this and what does he do? Takes his old password and just swaps the front and back end. So for example, Vicky2017 becomes 2017Vicky. Wonderful, glad you are listening. I’m going through all this muck trying to fix your computer and change your passwords, and you basically re-use the same passwords. Annoying as fuck.

But whatever, by that point, I’d already spent like 20 hours on this bullshit. Let’s hope GeekSquad is competent enough to get the virus off. The saga continues… Time to head into the office. Entire morning busted.

Friday Night Call

Well, it never fails that dad calls me either on a Friday or Saturday night. Yep, prime times for going out and having a life… I mean, who is surprised. Since my college days, dad has always used these time slots to call and make sure I was in my dorm room studying. Now, he still expects me to subscribe to his fear-based “don’t go out at night” philosophy.

So today was kind of a shitty day. You see, last night, really late I got a Rover request for a doggie boarder starting TODAY. The lady mentioned that her dog should get along well with Marty, and then I had to tell her that Marty died. It’s in my Rover profile that he passed last December, but I still have him listed as a pet in my profile bc well, I just haven’t been able to bring myself to “delete” his profile. Long story short, that sent me down a rabbit hole looking at pictures of him and Remy and reading my old blog posts about the days we said goodbye. Goddamn, they were high maintenance in their golden years. Then I started crying. Went to bed and left my contact lenses in by accident.

Woke up in the middle of the night with my eyes super puffy bc of the damn contacts. Met with the new Rover client in the morning and then went doorknocking for my open house. Met some nice neighbors in that community. Also met some not so nice people who cut me off and shut the door on me. Fine, whatever. Then prepped all my materials and got a call in the afternoon from the list agent: They just got a super strong offer on the house I’m supposed to host. Granted, the list agent was kind enough to give me the option of whether or not I wanted to continue hosting the property. I decided to proceed. Maybe they can use a backup offer. I dunno.

So I finally get home, eat dinner, then dad calls. He can’t access his iphone, bc the text is monstrous and there is no accessible way to unlock his phone. This has happened before and I had no idea what he did to get it into zoom mode. Last time, he had to go to the AT&T store and have them fix it (double tap with 3 fingers at once). This time, I told him to do the same thing and he said it didn’t help. Then 30 secs later, it worked. Who the fuck knows. I mean, it’s so frustrating, bc I have gotten dad a decent laptop (upgraded every few years) for well over a decade and still, all he can do is basic plane tickets, stock trading, bank transactions, and scanning. He still can’t really email, doesn’t know to forward or reply or attach. He still reads too many junk/forwards and just gets hung up on something every other day. And I have showed him a bunch of times!! Same shit with the iphone. Can’t text. Doesn’t read email on the phone. Just looks at stock apps and uses the basic phone function (but not even voicemail). So freaking annoying. He’s a smart guy. If he can figure out stock/investment shit, he should be able to do more functions on the phone and PC.

So today he tells me he wants to upgrade to iPhone 8. How much, what are the specs, when is it available. I don’t fucking know! I’m not even looking to upgrade. Maybe he asks bc he knows John will upgrade but John almost always gets top of the line (different use case than my dad) and he buys direct from Apple. So Dad says, “oh you know, if you have time, maybe you can research it for me.” Fucking A. Yeah, I’m just sleeping and lounging around all damn day. Sure, I can research it.

So I go to AT&T chat and of course, I cannot get any info from the rep without logging into Dad’s account. What is your account and pw. Don’t know. On chat for about 45 fucking minutes, going through various iterations to finally get a working userid and login. After that, I have to learn the differences between upgrading via AT&T vs. Apple. And all the installment plan options. Basically, 90 minutes later, I have sufficient information to proceed. You know, just a simple thing to research on a Friday night. SMH. And more than half the time, I waste tons of time researching shit for dad and in the end, no action. We’ll see if this is the case regarding the iPhone.

A Sunday Off

My mind is all over the damn place these days. John’s been commenting that I am spending way too many hours of screen time. I agree: it’s just that there is always SOMETHING to research– be it for work, for family, for play, for future, whatever.

As it were, I took this weekend off from doing open houses. Originally, I’d tried to get something scheduled for Sunday but that didn’t happen. Then for Saturday, I had signed up for a house tour up in Orinda to scout out a project done by Connect-Homes, a modular home company based in LA. A year or two ago, John and I had checked out Blu Homes up in Vallejo and found that we loved the design but the price tag seemed very high. So we wanted to gather a different data point from one of the competitors. Interestingly though, looking at the Blu Homes site again now, it seems they have expanded their design options and also come down a bit in price.

Anyway, the reason we’re investigating this is, bc eventually we want to buy land and build a modular home on it. Not sure if it’s for retirement or just investment/vacay, but we’re looking into it. In fact, the idea to have additional property has been on my list for a long while, but now with big strides in faster, greener, more sustainable construction, I’m growing more interested. Then again, you know us: we are research fanatics, and we could very well get into analysis paralysis mode with this (e.g. the dog situation).

As a side note about the dog search: I really do have a growing fear that the next dog just won’t be as good. Like I dunno: what if s/he has anxiety or isn’t sociable or whatever… for some reason, I have a fear of investing energy in this path and then the juice not being worth the squeeze. I mean, I know I have a good track record but you know, just as with Rover: Some dogs I really fall in love with. Others are just there, super aloof, not that engaging… I dunno. I’m sure I’m overthinking all of this as usual…

In other activities, I’m still keeping my eyes peeled for new products and/or ideas to change my life, right? Sadly, the magnetic lashes didn’t pan out for me. My friend M, however, got the accent pair, and they are working out great. What else.

That Realtor life, man. My stuff takes up SO much space. As it were, our garage that was renovated about two years ago was descending into major chaos. John set up his leather shop there and then we were just dumping piles of crap. Last month, I spent some time clearing all the boxes. We also rearranged the wire racks to create aisles with shelves for his leather supplies and my real estate crap. It’s much better but still a constant struggle.

Likewise, my home office space is getting way disorganized, so I’ve been scouring all the furniture sites for ideas on additional storage. I finally settled on Ikea drawers, a small striped colorful rug, and an accent cabinet from Wayfair. The space is coming together but an Ikea run is pending… Yeah, I spent last night measuring for those and today, I drove over there thinking I would get this shit cranked out since I wasn’t working today. Plus, maybe it would be a good way to practice my tolerance/patience. You know, try to be a calm person. Well, before all of that, I had to return a damaged cabinet to Walmart. Not a good start. Then I mentally prepared and got as far as the Ikea parking lot. Shit man. That place was mobbed, so I aborted. Yep, drove there only to abort. So much for tolerance. My rational mind says Monday will be a much smarter time to go.

Fashion-wise: I finally completed my shoe search. That quest succeeded. Earth Shoes, Dr. Scholl’s, Rockport, and Aerosoles for the win. I mean, I add sticky cushions, but good enough.

Foodwise, we are trying to do portion control, so we are trying out Sunbasket. At first, we resisted bc the setup seemed too dumbed down for someone as advanced in the kitchen as Bubbey. But the first week was a good experience: with new flavor pairings and I mean, we went to bed hungry, so I guess it was working. We’ll see what this week brings.

Other things I’ve been researching: doggies. Yeah, even though we concluded that the new year is our new timeline (too much travel until then), I still look at the rescue sites. I am all over the place: puppies to old dogs. Puppies are so stinking cute, but the oldies remind me so much of Remy and Martin. Aged but still so sweet and deserving of a stable home. Pepsi is the latest apple of my eye. I can’t quite bring myself to see any of these dogs in person. I think it would be too tempting. I know, I need to prioritize my time better. Oh well, so far, this has been an enjoyable Sunday!

Thick Skin

I’ve been feeling a little frustrated lately with work, esp after reviewing my stats and seeing that I have hosted open houses for like 20+ different properties, and I currently have zero active buyers. Over Labor Day weekend, I had hosted a $1.2M condo in hoyty-toyty Menlo Park. MP is a different area than my usual: it’s about 15 min north of Mountain View, in the even more expensive county of San Mateo. Anyway, as usual, I doorknocked the area beforehand. I hit up maybe 40 properties, including a townhouse neighborhood. It wasn’t gated or anything. Just open rows. So here’s my typical drill: I always ring the doorbell. When people answer, I introduce myself, say I’m hosting an open house in their neighborhood, and I invite them to come see the renovations and stop by for popsicles and cold drinks. Then I hand them a door hanger that has my business card and a postcard-sized flyer of my open house. Easy, right?

About five people opened their doors. They ranged from very friendly to curt. Whatever. NBD seeing as I have faced rejection a billion times by now. For the remaining houses, I just left the door hanger on the doorknob.

So I had my open house, the listing agent– an old pro in the KW Palo Alto office– LOVED me, btw. She said she’s been in the business 30+ years, and she can tell a good agent when she sees one. I mean, when I met her the day before, I was prepared and I asked a lot of questions… I suppose from my intro email too she got the sense I was organized and responsible. I dunno. Anyway, it’s always a boost to get positive feedback from seasoned realtors…

The open house was pretty low traffic though. Maybe bc there was a heat wave (temps of 105F) and the unit didn’t have AC. Still, I met maybe 15 people. Unfortunately, I didn’t convert any. By conversion, I mean, no appointments were set to discuss collaboration. Long story short, at the end of the day, I was exhausted. Then I got a voicemail on my phone:

Hi, my name is ______. I am a resident and key holder at the _____ Villas where you had dropped off some open house invitations. I would ask, on behalf of myself and the other residences, that you refrain from dropping off any unsolicited notices of open houses from now on. Thank you in advance for your agreement.

I mean, sure. I get it. People don’t like extra papers, but WHO ON EARTH would call???? It really takes a certain person, am I right? Whatever. He was polite enough, but still. If you’re not interested, just chuck the paper! Sheesh!

After I returned from Seattle, I emailed a bunch of people in my database– people who came through my open houses. Basically, I just said we met when they stopped by my open house. How is the home search going? Then I invite them to meet at my office so we can discuss developing a homebuying strategy. One person replies: “I am not interested to work with you.”

In a way, I appreciate 1) a response 2) radical honesty. The reply actually made me laugh, bc of course, I’m not going to click with every person I meet, right? Oh well. That’s a glimpse into my new life. You really do meet all kinds of people and get all kinds of reactions.

Sadly, 3-4 people replied saying they had purchased a home already. It’s a powerful reminder for me that serious buyers are hitting those open houses. I just need to work on getting them as clients. Onward, yo!

Emerald City

J and I are back from a few days in Seattle. We headed up after the Labor Day holiday for a mini escape and to chill with our friends G and J. We had a great time. G&J recently had a baby girl and they also recently finished a major basement remodel… I say all this bc clearly their tolerance for “projects” and disruptions is very high. G insists that her kids are very good, and from my limited exposure, it does seem like the toddler and baby are both obedient, even-tempered, and champion sleepers. Still, the parents deserve plenty of credit. There is just a way about both G&J that is so distinctly different from J and me. And I keep coming back to this theme over and over again: Bubs and I are highly susceptible to annoyance and irritation bc I dunno: we (but I especially) are just impatient as fuck.

For example, this happens a lot when we travel, and it happens ESPECIALLY frequently when we are in Seattle: we decide to go somewhere and then on the way there, we get frustrated with the traffic and once we arrive in the vicinity, parking is a beotch. Then there was a crazy line. Be it food, the museum, a city attraction, the boba shop….

Like one morning, we selected a place to go for breakfast, then we sat through shitty traffic to get there, we eventually found parking, and bam, the place was CLOSED due to some random gas line problem! Last year when we were in Seattle, we hit up this highly rated boba place. We got there when it was posted to open at 10:30 and it still wasn’t open. Waited ten minutes. Nothing. Then we went to a park and same shit. The Nature Center posted a sign that staff would be back at x time and then it was x + 30 min and they were still gone. This trip, it happened again for the SAME boba place, then a second boba place (they just changed their fall hours), then I needed to use the bathroom at a third tea shop and no bathroom. Yeah, some weird stacking of bad juju. Story of our traveling life!

Needless to say, every time these glitches happen, I get irritable bc I’m hungry or my bladder is about to explode or I’ve been driving longer than I had anticipated and Bubbey is pissing me off as a navigator… I get really irked. But then I ask that question: “What would G do?” And I know that she wouldn’t waste her energy getting upset. She would just go to the next option and move on to Plan B. Shrug. I’m trying to work on my tolerance. To a small extent, I do try to keep it inside in hopes that the negative energy will dissipate. That said, I suppose there will always be some element of histrionics. I am my parents’ daughter after all, and if anything, I suppose it makes for decent blogging fodder. 🙂

Beyond that minor stuff, we had a lovely time hanging with our buds and also going around the city solo. It was a good mix of friend time and self exploration. J and I found a very cool Japanese store, chock full of stationery, kitchen wares, makeup, food… It was a very clean and tidy all-in-one shop adjacent to a Japanese supermarket. So much spiffier than Chinese markets, but J said the prices are also triple, so obviously, I just browsed and didn’t buy. Regardless, that place occupied us for a couple hours. We also did a lot of walking around the various districts: Ballard, West Seattle, downtown… On the home front, we had full use of their new basement palace, which is deluxe: living room, tv, bedroom, bathroom— a whole renovated floor with +/- 1000sf of living space.

Weather-wise, Seattle was unseasonably hot and muggy– I’ve never been in Seattle with hazy and ashy air (wildfires). That kept us from doing too much outdoor activity– that plus we are out-of-shape and lazy. Our last night there, my friend D and his Japanese wife came over and we all ordered takeout. She was a really nice lady: very kind (she volunteers at the animal shelter) and adventurous (they’v done a good bit of traveling, including staying at castles in Portugal!). And they are preggers! It really is something else to see people transition into different phases of life… I mean, sure, we’re all essentially the same people we were decades ago but dang, so many new responsibilities and perspectives! Makes me think of my college roommate. She just had her second kid. Honestly, I didn’t even know she was preggers and then one day on FB, there’s a posting about mommy and baby girl doing fine. Huh, when did THAT happen? I still have to adjust a little, bc my strongest impressions/memories of her are from three years of living together as college kids. Now she is a mom of two. SMH. It’s weird. Then again, I’m pretty sure she still sees me as that uber serious, very strict/square, stressed out, nervous Nelly. Little does she know, this Vix is the toned down version!! How’d THAT happen, right? Life, man.

Double Duty

So one of my big epiphanies while I was in NC helping out my friend N had to do with level of cleanliness. Seriously, I dunno how on Earth I made it to 41 y/o without knowing this, but I’m coming clean now. Good, you caught the pun!

I always thought clothing after some period of time, would eventually just become stained and a bit dingy. Not so much outside clothes, but def like undergarments… you know, like those tank tops I wear under my shirts/blouses or like undershirts (John’s Hanes tees). I figured, after a while, the sweat and periods, not to mention food stains, would just eventually win. And I was totally fine with that. Sometimes John would comment on my undergarments, like, are they supposed to be THAT stained? And I would respond all annoyed, like, You have no fucking idea what it’s like to be a woman. Bleeding outta my body is a messy thing and it’s a pain in the ass so fuck off.

So when I was staying with N and her mom for a week last month, I did glamorous chores like folding laundry, and truthfully, I was shocked and amazed by how clean all their stuff was. WTF, have I been living under a rock this whole time? When I went to do a load of her laundry, N instructed me to put in TWO pods of detergent, not one. I think she told me, bc she knows I come from a family of immigrants where you ration shit to death and use every last drop (e.g. add water to the dish soap bottle and use diluted soap until forever). I mean, yes, we use detergent sparingly, bc we have some fear that the soap will not wash clean and there’s no way I’m wasting water by doing an extra rinse. But anyway, while I was doing N’s biddings, I did as she said and I have to say, the whites were brighter and the other clothes were definitely cleaner. This was a game changer for me.

After I got home, I decided to test this new method out. Two pods. At the same time, John’s sister E turned him on to some new laundry product called Laundress. I also added that supplemental color-free bleach to the load. And holy. crap. This is what clean is!! I know, for my scientific method friends out there (you know who you are), I changed two variables at one time: both the detergent AND the bleach, so to accurately attribute the new level of clean properly, I need to wash with only two pods and then wash another load with one pod + the Laundress. But at the moment, I know the shit gets to a new level of clean with the double whammy. Thankfully, the extra detergent still washes out without a soapy residue. So life is good. Who knew John’s t-shirts could ever get so damn white? And stained undergarments are no longer the norm. Haha, I am always learning new secrets.

Are You Sleeping?

Seriously, my father says the craziest shit. The other day, I woke up before 9am (like every day) and planned to call Johns Hopkins University Medical to make an appointment for mom to see the neurologist at their research center. Mind you, getting to this point has taken FORever, bc JHU wants to review her records before advising whom she should see. Now my mother’s records, bc they span various physicians in various states and countries, are in multiple forms: several photocopied pages of lab reports, doctor’s notes, plus CDs for which my father has originals only (and I can’t burn copies bc no one has a CD reader anymore), plus these latest notes from the doctor she saw while visiting in July. Bc of medical privacy issues, I am not able to request her docs and then when I tried to set up her online account, I ran in to issues that basically thwarted that access.

Long story short, it’s been over a month and the best I could get (unless she herself calls from Taiwan, which is NOT happening) was for the doctor to mail a copy of his notes to her home address in MD. Dad received those last week; he scanned them to me, and now I have most of her docs, minus the CDs. So I’m ready to call JHU.

So what happens that morning? Instead, my father calls me about 10:30 am, and he always asks me this when he calls anytime before noon. “Are you sleeping?” I mean, I get that he doesn’t think I work very hard, but dad, it’s 10:30. No, I’m not sleeping. WTF?!?!?!? I mean, some days I really wonder what it is he thinks we do. I’m, maybe I might be sleeping if I weren’t getting parental calls at all hours of the day, from my mom who can’t get the time zones right and from my father asking me to do logistics and research and travel planning and vendor calls and business emails and whatever the fuck else. Not to mention the mental stress of trying to figure out what the hell my parents are doing between here and Taiwan. Ugh. Anyway, I didn’t go into it with him, bc on this particular morning I was getting another fucking assignment.

The day prior, dad received some email from United announcing their latest round of fare sales. He did some research and found the exact flight/route for him to go back to Taiwan in October and return in November. Now, like I’ve said a gabillion times before: NOTHING for my family is ever straightforward or easy. Here he thought I would just do a couple of clicks here and there and bam, travel arrangements would be done and I could go back to my nice little nap.

Well, I won’t bore you with the minutiae, but basically, he insisted on a very specific flight leg out via Tokyo (not SFO) and his return needed to match up with a return flight for my mother. Oh, and btw, he has a flight voucher he wants to use and for mom, he wants to do one-way with awards. Blah, blah, blah, Almost TWO HOURS later after having multiple windows open to view both of their accounts separately and after researching various flight dates and one-way/round trip/award flights from November through February to get his price point, PLUS two phone calls to customer service discussing terms and conditions for using the voucher, I FINALLY get the itineraries set. Jesus Fucking Christ. Not that I had ANYTHING to do that morning before my lunch with a prospect.

John heard me on the phone back and forth with dad and customer service and he was like, what the heck is going on? Dude. You have no fucking idea. And then he just said, well, that’s how you’re gonna be when you’re that age, esp with the price hunting and coupons. Ouch.

I mean, fine. I’ll give you that there is an OUNCE of truth to that: I am hardcore about my deals and that’s why I’m good at executing these insanely tedious tasks. But shit. I ain’t ever delegating that level of complexity. Once I’m unable to get ‘er done, it ain’t getting done. I’m not subjecting other people to 90+ minutes of back and forth bullshit.

I suppose on the bright side, I learned a lot about United travel credits and award miles. The credits do NOT apply to codeshare flights, and the award points rarely apply to the route through Tokyo. Honestly though, is it so damn difficult and inconvenient for my parents to just tie the Taiwan trip in with a stop over in SFO for a few days??? Parents. I swear they make NO sense. SMH.

Deciphering Family

Well I got ahold of my mother finally, using the LINE account of my aunt. Yep, nothing is ever straightforward with my family. Whether it’s an email account or cell phone account, shit is shared and chaperoned to death. Anyway, after speaking with dad and hearing that my aunt is like bathing mom and shampooing her hair, I was prepared for like some super confused, jumbled conversation. Not the case. Mom is sharper, more lucid, and more engaged than ever. WTF is going on? On one hand, dad is telling me he and auntie observe mom getting worse. On the other hand, she sounds happier, spirited, and actually fine.

She stopped taking the western meds, but not bc my brother kept telling her so. Rather, she was having incontinence issues plus random hot flashes/sweating fits. She stopped the meds, and those symptoms immediately went away. The doctors say those symptoms are not side effects of those meds, but I dunno: she put 2 and 2 together and there appears to be some connection for her.

So now my conclusion is that dad and auntie are just overprotective over-coddlers. When I asked mom about the bathing, I was like, what is going on? I saw you in July and you were fine washing yourself. You need to still do your own activities. She says she just feels much cleaner and better when auntie bathes her. Ok, fine have her do it maybe once a week but everyday? You’re not an invalid. Yeah, I’m all about the tough love.

I wonder if my father, in his current state of paralysis, is just overwhelmed by too many thoughts. I know it’s important for him to feel useful and needed; otherwise, he doesn’t feel purpose. I can relate to that. But mom is clearly happy in Taiwan and enjoying the increased socialization and interactions– something she simply does not get when she’s home in Maryland with dad, who is a homebody. I’m sure there’s some bit of FOMO, like she is getting on just fine without him. Second, I do think my brother has made Taiwan somewhat toxic for dad (and me). It’s just too close proximity and as it is, J is still emailing dad all this hyperbaric oxygen chamber shit that he himself is doing on the regular… Jesus Christ. As if we need J to be preserved forever, Tom Cruise style. SMH.

Finally, I think my dad feels most successful in the US. Even though it has never felt like home, he is ultimately a workaholic by nature. He is most comfortable when he is doing something productive or efficient… and here he has his fingers into a million things: stocks, real estate, etc. So I’m not sure when the two parents in one place thing is going to take hold. It’s frustrating for me, bc I don’t like my dad being alone. He is quite self-sufficient, but I still worry if healthwise something happens and I mean, he can probably go for too many days without leaving the house. To his credit, he has started walking again– morning and night and he actually made Labor Day plans to visit his BFF in Ohio. I’m just a worry wart, I guess.

Meanwhile, I have booked my own trip for end of October to Taiwan. I really can’t believe we are already nearly into September. I’m kinda disappointed by all the time I lost from being sick, but spilled milk, right? I’m still not 100% but good enough to be back at the office hustling for open houses. 🙂

Tears of Pain

I’ve been really sick the last 48 hours. What I thought to be a simple sore throat on Tuesday turned into a full blown throat infection that fucked up my face, not to mention my breathing, eating, drinking, and speech. Fucking A. I was so excited to work this weekend, bc I got a killer open house two miles from home. Friday night, I hosted it open and I was already feeling uncomfortable but man, on Saturday, I woke up and my throat was like partially blocked from all the swelling. Everytime I swallowed, my face winced in pain. Oh god, it was awful. I called the advice nurse and she suggested I go in to see the doctor. I mean, seriously. The pain was so bad, I was crying and nothing gave me relief. I tried icing, all that honey/lemon, ACV, hot water, cold water… everything. I was so pissed I had to cancel the open house. But shit man, it was a good thing I did bc the following 24 hrs before the penicillin kicked in was even worse.

The doctor didn’t see white spots on my throat but he definitely noticed the swelling and said antibiotics would be his method of treatment regardless of whether it swabbed positive for strep. I’ve never had a sore throat on just ONE SIDE. So weird. My self-diagnosis seemed to suggest some form of tonsillitis but I dunno, the doc didn’t say anything. He didn’t seem that worried, but shit man, my speech was slurred and everything. He said if I didn’t see improvement by Monday, I’d have to go to the emergency room. Great.

So Saturday all day I was in bed, crying from the pain. It hurt so damn bad to swallow. I was all jacked up on Advil plus the antibiotics. I had planned a short getaway for us to Lodi wine country to celebrate our 21st anniversary of togetherness. All canceled. I swear I get sick at the most inconvenient times. So yeah, slept all through Saturday and most of today. But just like clockwork, I felt noticeably better at the 24-hr mark. Thank fucking goodness for western meds. The face swelling went down and I was able to eat Bubbey’s homemade chicken soup. Whew. It was really  bad.

Then dad called and he had some weird heart palpitations on Friday, so he went to the doctor. He did the heart monitoring and will get results on Tuesday or Wednesday. Doctor said it was some idiopathic benign erithmea or something. Meanwhile, dad is dragging ass still on updating the living will and establishing the advance directives. I got all frustrated with him: it’s clearly paralysis from overwhelm, but it’s like he can’t even communicate to me what needs to be done so I can help. It’s super frustrating. He says mom’s condition is worse and now his sister (my aunt) is bathing her and washing her hair. WTF? I mean, I just saw mom in July. Are they over-coddling? This makes no sense. And if she indeed needs that much care, why aren’t they applying for the professional help? He is unable to explain clearly to me why these decisions are playing out this way. So I contact the American consulate to inquire about advanced directives… and whether there is something equivalent there. No answer except for a list of English-speaking doctors. Fine, so no number and I email one of the docs. Everything takes so long to find the goddamn answer.

I call my mom and no one answers the fucking phone. Call my aunt. Text her on Line (mobile app). No reply. This is what I’m saying; how the fuck are we living in 2017 and it takes like 24 hrs to reach someone??? Ridiculous. Meanwhile, stupid brother keeps emailing dad all this hyperbaric oxygen chamber shit. Ugh. I just can’t take his bullshit anymore. Seriously. Get the hell out of our lives already, you useless POS.

Tomorrow is Monday again. Another weekend lost and an endless list of shit to do. Oh well. Grateful to be better today. I’ll just have to get to the other shit one by one. Anniversary weekend in Lodi moved to next weekend. Maybe I need to ease up on the work just a little. Work smarter not harder and all that. Sigh. Tired again. Time for bed.