Can I tell you? I feel so goddamn alive!! When people ask if I miss working at the agency, I just have to chuckle: not one frickin’ iota. Granted, it has been over two months. Sure, in the beginning, when the wounds were still kinda fresh, I did miss work. But not really the content of the work or even the workplace. No. I missed seeing my coworkers and friends on a daily basis. I’m somewhat a creature of habit, so I struggled a bit with not having a set schedule where I could go somewhere and be useful to others. Of course, I got over all of that pretty quickly, especially once the traveling started in September, and I began to spend time on things I wanted to do (rather than things I had to do).
Now we’re in mid-November, I am digging this autonomy. Shiit. I learn what I want to learn. I write, I play, I soak up some sun. I don’t have to fit my tasks into the standard 9-5 office workday. And man, I cannot even express how nice it is to not have to deal with office bullshit. You know what I mean. That alone has probably added years to my life. Seriously.
The most unexpected thing now is that I am really starting to believe. I know it sounds cheesy, but just as I kinda suspected early on, there is SOMETHING to this whole positive thinking, dream big philosophy. I think it was about a year ago when I first started entertaining the idea. John and I took a Mental Skills Training Class at Stanford. The professor talked about his work with pro/collegiate athletes, pro musicians, high-level executives: sure, these people had to spend time practicing and developing their core technical skills or areas of expertise, but almost just as importantly, they had to mentally prepare via visualizations, meditation, and calming exercises. That was all part of their development and training, and the research showed that those practices aided in their success. Eh fine, but whatever, I didn’t see how that applied directly to my life. Then, a few months later, I took that Uncover Your Calling class, and we did a shitload of exercises on building self-awareness and on finding outlets for working through negative thoughts. Again, at the end of that 8-week program, I didn’t feel any closer to clarity in terms of realizing what I was “meant” to do or how I was going to flourish as an individual. But I kept going anyway. I enrolled in another class that then talked about Leaning In and identifying priorities to live a fulfilled life where values align with work and activities. After that 6-week course ended, I still felt unclear and somewhat lost. But I just kept going through the motions that my instructors/coaches recommended: meditation, journaling, visualizing, thinking differently (positively), info interviews, stepping beyond the comfort zone. Sure enough, nearly a year after all of this exploration first began, I now have a vision and dream for the future. It still doesn’t feel entirely doable, but I don’t care. I still keep it in my head and in my heart. And I don’t have the steps on getting there carved out either, but every day, I just try to move in that direction.
I have done over ten info interviews in the last few months, and I am still contacting people, still trying to learn more about possible jobs, sectors, and industries. Anything and everything is fair game, so long as it piques my curiosity.
When we returned from Italy, I started meditating every morning. Tomorrow marks my 30th day of doing that. I still don’t necessarily feel like I’m doing it “right” (the facilitators claim there is no right or wrong), but there is SOMETHING about practicing every morning. I cannot calm or energize my mind on demand like I think the gurus can, but that I can achieve even some mental calm is a relief. I still don’t sleep uninterrupted through the night, but at least I’m only getting up 1-2 times instead of 3-4 times before. One day, I hope I will get to that point where I will sleep as if I’m on an airplane (or other moving vehicle).
My participation in NaBloPoMo, National Blog Posting Month, is continuing. I never feel like my blog posts are that great, but I try not to obsess (like I usually do) over the negative. Again, I just aim to spend a little time every day blogging (because I enjoy it) and hopefully, after NaBloPoMo, I’ll notice some improvement. Even small improvement will be acceptable. I’m hoping. I know, don’t I sound like a totally different person? Haha.
Outside of all this, you’ll be thrilled to know that I have my second business meeting at the ranch tomorrow. I am learning so much, taking that marketing class and thinking about how to grow a business and how to make it succeed. My brain is churning in overdrive these days, but rather than feeling fatigued, I feel so alive! My favorite Chinese idiom comes to mind often these days (spoken in my father’s voice, of course): “Move the brain.” I am happy learning and growing. I get into a zone nearly every day now when I’m planning and plotting and getting shit done. The financial details of this arrangement aren’t fleshed out now, but I’ll learn them as I continue down this path not fully knowing where it will lead. Admittedly, my old self would have stopped this shenanigan way early– without giving it any real considerationl. An unconventional employment opportunity where I work from home and it’s commission-based and I might not get benefits or a guaranteed salary?? Say what? Too risky, too shady, I’m out.
But now, I just focus on my interest, my curiosity, and my desire to learn more. I don’t have all the business development experience and knowledge, but I will figure it out. I am allowing myself to dream about living that unconventional life, and in doing so, I am asking the universe. And as corny as this sounds, in a bizarre way, I think the universe is answering.
