Category Archives: Work

Mental Shifts

I am feeling so much better these days. Goodness, what a difference a week makes!! Remy is back to walking again (she had gone lame the week prior but she’s doing good now with adjusted meds), and I made several deliberate changes this past week to get my groove back.

For one thing, I started exercising this week after a 1 1/2-month hiatus. I had read about this phone app (of course) called the 7 Minute Workout, and so I started with that. It sorta aligns with my “impatiently efficient” pace to life. Yes, it is JUST 7 minutes but holy crap, I am super sore, and right now 7 minutes is just about my tolerance for exercising discomfort. Haha. It’s a nice way to kick off my mornings, and I’m convinced it’s helped bring back my energy. We’ll see. I’m hoping for visible results soon. Like yesterday. Or tomorrow. John was making fun of me a few days ago asking “You are wanting to see results after just 35 cumulative minutes of exercise???” I know, I really need to work on my patience!!

My work with my personal coach is going really well. I have been consciously diverting myself as soon as I notice my mind going south… my uke offers an instant shot of joy. Or I’ll take the dogs for a walk in the park. The weather has been warm and sunny again so that helps.

Along similar lines, I had an epiphany last week regrading Remy. Her health has been really up and down this last year, and it’s taken a real toll. Whenever she was having problems, I would overwhelm myself with sad/depressing thoughts about putting her down… and I would have trouble sleeping. I realized that all those times, she never actually died, and yet I was already crossing that bridge before I really needed to!!! So for her, I’m shifting my focus from the doom of death to just appreciating the present moment. What a blessing it is that I have the time off now to spend with her, to care for her, and I want to celebrate each additional day she gives me. I’ll deal with her passing when it comes. So just these few mental shifts have made a huge difference. I’m still so amazed: mind over body is real!!

Last Friday, we saw Jake Shimabukuro in Santa Cruz. He was so amazing. I mean, so vibrant and energetic and happy and of course, ridiculously skilled. We scored 3rd row center seats, so he was just 20′ away. Eeekk! What a magical experience. He was so humble and down-to-earth too: I felt like he could be my real-life buddy!

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My Mood According to Remy

John was telling me the other day that my mood is totally dependent on Remy’s situation. When she struggles, I don’t sleep well and the worry makes me tired. When Remy has a good day, I suddenly feel happier and more energetic. I guess it’s a fairly accurate observation. This morning, I had my phone interview for one of the foundations, and afterwards, I was kinda bummed. I just felt like I’d  left out one of my talking points, and then I didn’t sound particularly articulate. Ugh. I was starting to feel like I had messed up my ONE chance at success (I told you I can be a drama queen). Argh! Despair. But then I thought back to what my coach and I had discussed last week: don’t let the mind spiral downwards. Change the subject.

So I decided to take the pups outside.  And Remy gave me a pleasant surprise. For the last week, her back end has been caving in so severely that she can only manage to pee and eat. All other times, she has to lie down. It’s been a long while since we’ve made it to the park even. But today, she wanted to try. In the front yard, she started moseying towards the park. When we got there, she needed to rest a bit, but then she made it back!! I had a scarf to give her a boost every now and then, but wow, she looks good today! And immediately, I DID feel better. I just have to tell myself that if I don’t make it to the next round for the job, there is still something else out there for me. Someone will see what I have to offer…

I’m feeling tired again. I’ve been feeling a bit too lazy to make myself lunch or to go out and get something. I slept on my neck wrong two nights ago, so my head-neck motion is really stilted.

On a happier note, I found some new songs to play on the uke. The Red Hot Chili Peppers’ Scar Tissue involves too much finger picking, and I found some tabs for Just like Heaven and Linger that just require strumming. They actually sound like the song when I play!! Tonight, I’m going to downtown MV for a uke jam at one of the coffee houses. I’ve only been one other time, and it was really folksy and cheesy, but who cares. It’s something fun that’ll get me out of the house.

What else is on tap this week? My Coursera class; a storytelling networking event in SF tomorrow night; my coaching call; yoga on Wednesday night; lunch with a friend on Thursday; then Jake S. concert on Friday!! Yay.

Btw, I decided to take a break from riding for a bit. I’ve just been feeling so tired still. And the dreary weather just isn’t helping. So now I will have more time on Sunday for other things.

 

Feeling Better

Well, since my last “woe is me” post, a lot has happened to help me climb out of my new year’s pit. First, we got some rain in the Bay Area, which is much needed. Second, Bubbey recovered from his sickness, and third, I had my Dumpling Happy Hour (CNY Do-Over) on Tuesday night. The group was much smaller than what was anticipated for the original bash, but the party was still a success! My bud even took this artsy pic of my dumplings, hand crafted with love!

I had my first call with my career coach. She helped me realize that I was doing a lot of catastrophic thinking these days, particularly with regard to my job hunt. I was feeling all lame like no one saw anything I had to offer, and at the end of her questioning, I came to see that yes, I’ve only seriously started applying for jobs that I want (communications officer spots in the social good sector) since the start of January. And I WAS sick for 3+ weeks, so… All in all, I had only submitted FIVE applications. Yet all along, as I was conducting all these info interviews, somehow I had convinced myself that those people should have been so impressed by me that they should have wanted to work with me… I know, even though the info interview was always really couched as an opportunity for me to just learn more about their work and their jobs. Confidence issues. I had turned it into this entire thing about me not being compelling enough…

So thankfully, my coach set me straight by pointing out the ridiculousness of my logic. In fact, I even felt a little embarrassed afterwards. Just goes to show you how even a generally level-headed, logical person can get herself twisted into these spiraling predicaments. John is especially thankful that I am working with A, because in many ways, she reiterates what he’s been telling me the whole time, but you know, sometimes you just have to hear it from the outside. He’s feeling redeemed. 🙂

I had a really good info interview on Monday with a woman who had done over 70 info interviews over a period of five years. Yes, five years ago, she started a new job and within a few months of starting, she knew it was the wrong fit. So for the next five years, she did all this self work and exploration and finally, she landed somewhere good. Now she works for a social good/philanthropy consulting firm. I was encouraged to hear her story– to see her perseverance. Later that day, I also received an email from a guy who used to work at my former place. He was a super duper rockstar, and he emailed me that his new place of employment (up in Sonoma) was hiring a communications person, and he thought I’d be great for the job. His message just really made my day. I don’t have my horse just yet, so we don’t have plans to move up to Sonoma until then, but goddamn, I felt really touched that he liked this idea of us working together again. 🙂

So my assignments for the week are to continue info interviews and job apps (maybe even consider writing “pain letters” instead of cover letters) and then to work on some coping strategies: daily meditation, a bit of cognitive behavioral therapy to combat negative thoughts, and more uke.

Yesterday, I got some great news also. I got a call for a phone interview with one of the foundations next Monday!! Yeehaw!! So I have a few days to prep and obsess. I know, don’t put all my eggs in one basket, but hey, I’m thrilled to get a bite.

In other news, Remy’s still not doing so great. This morning she had another episode. They are so strange: always in the morning, always right after she starts eating. She’ll suddenly stop eating, stumble down the hall into the bedroom, lie down, start panting, and then the wailing begins. Just 10 seconds and then it’s over. I don’t know what the hell is going on. I’ve described it to the vet a bunch of times, and it’s still just not clear whether it’s a seizure or what. Could be cancer, could be pain from arthritis, could be neurological degeneration. Today, her body was actually tense rather than limp like usual. Her front paw was totally extended and stressed, and in the process, she squeezed out a few dumplings. My poor baby. But then after she sleeps a bit, she’s back to walking around every now and then searching for snacks.

I spoke with the vet two days ago, and this guy is just a total realist. He was like that two years ago when he first saw Remy for her doggie vertigo (which now they actually call a stroke). He just uses blunt language that you know, reminds me that the end is near. He told me she’s basically in palliative care now, so we can tweak the meds to try and make her more comfortable, but she’ll never be back to where she was… the body is degenerating. The thing is, I’ve known this for a long time, and yet, I don’t know: it’s like I fool myself into thinking otherwise. I just don’t know how I’m going to let her go. I know she’s lived a good, long life, but she’s still so soft and her eyes still watch me when I move about the room… Ugh. The doctor said when his dog got really old, the same thing happened: the back end just couldn’t move. The front end was still lucid, but she was a dog that loved to run and go outside. Then she started peeing and pooping on herself, and he could just see that she was no longer happy. I have to remember that, and everyday I have to ask myself if she’s still happy.

Dragon Ass

Dayum, I started this week off with big dreams. On Sunday, I was back in the saddle  for the first time in a month. I had a decent ride, but John accompanied and afterwards he made some kind of comment to the effect of: After 2 1/2 years of lessons, I dunno where I expected your skill level to be, but it was supposed to be higher than what I’m seeing.

Ugh… I know, it sounds worse than he had intended. But he’s also kinda right. Maybe I had even envisioned myself roping cattle by now. I don’t honestly remember what 2.5-year milestone I had set when I started. I probably did expect myself to feel more confident and comfortable when riding out in the fields and on the trails. But these days I spend most of my time in the arena, because I like to work on the technical aspect of riding. I’m a bit perfectionist that way. I feel like being out in the fields is too distracting, and I can’t focus/obsess on the horse’s feet and steps and cadence. I’m such a lune.

Anyway, whatever. Riding was a nice way to kick off the week, but then that evening, Bubbey got sick, as I mentioned yesterday. Sunday night I slept like crap again. Remy was restless at night. I’m telling you, this sleep problem is going to be the death of me! On Monday, John stayed home sick. I was on nurse patrol, checking his temp every few hours, going to the grocery for nourishment, cooking up meats that had been out of the freezer a tad too long. I upped the dosage for Remy but then I ran out of meds, so it was only upped for like a random day. Back to the vet. You get the story: tedium, tedium. Suddenly, the day’s over.

Today, I was to start anew. Bubbey was sick in the morning but decided to go in later. I was going to do job apps, proceed with the coaching, do my virtual storytelling conference, and do my class, etc. Then my dad’s email account (which he has me check, esp while he’s away) gets an email that the heat is out in the rental condo, and the tenant is freezing. Well believe it or not, that shot my whole day, because it’s fucking 10 degrees in Washington these days. So I was on the phone nearly all day back and forth with like six people trying to coordinate a repair appointment and trying to get this issue resolved. Repair man said one thing. Building manager said another. Then for some reason, everyone had a middle man, so rather than speak directly to the repair tech, I had to go through his dispatcher. Rather than talk to the tenant, I had to speak with her boss who actually signed the lease on behalf of the company. And seriously, the tech and building manager had totally opposite takes on what was wrong. Tech said it’s a building issue. Building manager insisted it’s specific to the heater inside the unit. Round and round and round. Now the tech has turned on the emergency heat so the tenant is happy, but there are still questions on what the culprit is. I had to call my dad overseas twice to see whether any parts had been replaced, blah, blah. To be continued tomorrow. The webinar I was trying to take today as part of the Virtual Storytelling Conference this week? Shot to hell.

Ah well, the good news today is that I randomly contacted someone for an informational interview, and she said yes! Now I have two interviews for Friday. Interestingly, late last night I watched/read a bunch of postings by the Human Workplace. I love the lady Liz’s spunk and sass. But as much as I agree with everything she says, I have a hard time believing there are actually companies out there really, truly ok with deviating from the established recruitment process. Seriously. Just this week, I called Yahoo to inquire the hiring manager’s name for their division, Yahoo for Good. I had spent all this time scouring for the contact online but to no avail. When I called to ask, they said they don’t give out that info. Really? You can’t tell me the director of one of your divisions? Then I also asked about reaching out directly to the hiring manager for another position I applied for. I was advised from an internal source to let the normal process play out a bit. I mean, maybe to Liz’s point, some rules are just meant to be broken. I dunno. Job hunting really is a weird ball game.

In other news, John and I switched from Verizon to T-Mobile two Sundays ago. Unfortunately, reception at home is now worse than ever. John was stressing about his mistake to switch over, so I called T-mobile and spoke with a bunch of reps to get a signal booster sent out to us. Blah, blah, the unit was supposed to be expedited, but someone fucked up and the UPS Ground was irreversible and no more units could get shipped to me. Yeah, unbelievably complicated. Well tomorrow is finally the day of delivery. I sure hope this signal booster works, because I am not about to take on yet another logistical task to suck all my fucking time.

Cray Cray December

So December has been super cray busy. I’m busting my ass, trying to close some deals for the ranch. Three community rec orgs are game for booking four weeks of summer horse camps (waiting on the MOUs), and then a couple of cities are in the hopper. I had a meeting this week with one of the rec agencies. It went pretty well. But dayum, the whole experience has been super eye-opening: Shit, there is a lot of hustle involved in running a ranch business. The money just ain’t that good after you consider the upkeep, staff (albeit low paid), food, supplies, and veterinary expenses. I guess John’s right: no one does ranch living for the money. And shit, I gots a high standard of living: I can’t be relying solely on this ranch work long term. What a sad realization. Horses do make me so very happy. Sigh.

We jetted out to the east coast yesterday and head home the day after Christmas. Then I meet with a board member of my former agency for an info interview the next morning. That’s right: always on the move! My beloved Remy is walking again btw. Seriously: add a few miracle meds to a steely strong will, and my Remy is gonna live for fucking ever!! Yahoo!

Damn Good Day!

Well, today was a pretty damn good day. After my posting on Wednesday reporting that Remy was doing stellar, Thursday turned around and bit me in the ass. Remy was getting her groove back, and then bam! She regressed and had stability issues again. I couldn’t sleep Thursday night, thinking that I was going to have to put her down before Christmas. Today, she slept in really late, but when I got the leash out, she wanted to go out, so we walked around the front yard in the grass. She didn’t make it to the park, but she walked and sniffed around the lawn, and back inside we played our hide and seek treat game. (Basically, I toss crumbs all over the living room, and she forces herself up to search them out.) In the afternoon, she came into my home office a few times to check in and sleep.

Goddamn, I love Remy so much. I really wish she could live forever. She’s such a good girl. I left a message for the vet this afternoon to see why she might have regressed and to ask if there was anything more I could do to make her more comfortable. They said that she’s on quite a bit of medication now, so she shouldn’t be regressing… My only hope is that we simply overdid it on the exercise on Wednesday, and she was sore Thursday. I dunno. Wishfully hoping, I suppose.

In other news, I found out that I almost missed the deadline for quiz #3 of my marketing class. You see, normally, the quizzes happen every three weeks, but with this last one, it was only two weeks. Whatever. I did it this afternoon and scored an A. I’m a nerd that way. This is our last week of lectures, and then the final exam is next week!

I got the best news ever  this afternoon (regarding the ranch). I followed up with the YMCA program director, whom I had met earlier this week. He got the green light from his boss, and now they’re thinking to book FOUR weeks instead of the original TWO!! I am so thrilled. Gotta finish the year off strong, you know?

I’m also making strides this week with info interviews. I have one lined up on Monday with a very prestigious foundation just down the street. Then, I’m scheduling another one after Christmas with a different foundation, also not far from home. Time to get this whip crackin’, you know?

Tonight, I’m going to my friend’s retirement party for work. 33 years. I’m taking lentil soup and butternut squash/spinach lasagna. I hope people eat it all up! Party time.

Jugglin’

Geez, I was so good about blogging daily for a month, and then once NaBloPoMo ended, I really slacked off quickly, eh? Well, in my defense, shit’s been cray!

It’s now been just over a week since Remy’s latest brush with death. She is continuing on the anti-inflammatory med meloxicam + the pain reliever tramadol, but yesterday, after we called the doctor to say that Remy was still not steady enough to be left alone, the doctor added a second pain reliever, gabipentin. Today Remy is doing so much better! She even came to my bedside to wake me up. Her hind left leg is still weaker than the others, but we made it to the park and back without me having to carry her part way. She is also back to her old curious self. This morning, when I didn’t see her in the living room or in the bedroom, I started to panic, but she was in the kitchen scrounging around for crumbs. Silly dog.

Yeah, after the vet told me last week to continue exercising her to prevent muscle atrophy, I’ve had Remy on a program. I find her to be quite driven by treats, so even when she was still really weak , I just threw mini-treats all over the living room and kitchen to force her to get up and exercise to go after the tasties. Haha, I’m always making the pups work for food! Remy is kinda “special needs” right now, but I hope we’ll have a decent plan in place by the time we head back east. Fingers crossed.

Work-wise, I did a ton of follow-up calls last week for the ranch. I think I’m getting some bites even! Tomorrow, the program director for the YMCA is visiting the ranch to meet with us: he’s interested in booking two weeks of summer camps for kids. I’ve been preparing some materials and such. Gotta bring out the big guns, you know? I’m hoping to get a couple of city clients and the YMCA under my belt before year end. We’ll see.

The weekend was pretty good. On Saturday, John finished sanding my Adirondack chair for the backyard. Now I can paint it and have both painted chairs reunited. Saturday night, J & J came down with their friend M, and all of us when to the SJ Improv– always a sure bet for hearty laughs. On Sunday, I got back in the saddle. I am having issues again with my torso being too stiff. Fucking A. I had so many weeks of good riding, and now I’m back to being a robot sitting on a horse. Ugh. The horses are looking great though. I think they are brushing them more, and now that it’s winter, the coats are thicker and softer. Chip was so velvety and beautiful. The staff are also cleaning up the ranch a bit– they do small steps every day, and sure enough, after a couple weeks, you can see substantial differences! After riding, I met up with my bud B, and we hit the mall. Super, super packed. She circled around for 20 minutes before finding parking!! It was a successful trip: I scored a black/white striped top and black skinny jeans, which I’d been seeking for months.

John and I also found a couple of new food joints in our area. We tried a new Asian shaved snow place by the train station. Pretty tasty but too cold for winter. Then last night we found a Neapolitan pizza place. Super yummy with delicious spaghetti carbonara and cannoli too!

This week is looking pretty busy. My Coursera marketing class wraps. Also, I have that meeting tomorrow. Then, I need to re-visit corpo targets for the ranch. I also want to start getting my apps out for jobs. Need to just start churning stuff out. Remy patrol continues. Yup, all hands on deck now for the 2013 homestretch.

NaBloPoMo Ends Today!

Well, I did it! Thirty days of blogging. Yippee! I’m not sure if I’ll continue, beyond this one-month mark but hey, it was kinda fun. I mean, I like writing, so I guess it wasn’t really that hard to just do something I enjoy every day…

So Remy update. The temps last night dipped below freezing, and even though I put her next to a heater, she seemed really achy again. We didn’t make it to the park at all. In the afternoon,  I called the vet to inquire about the meds. For example, at what point should I start to see the max positive effect of the drugs? After 3 days? After one week? I had to ask the tech the question a couple times, but it seems like a pretty straight-forward inquiry to me. You know, like you have an ailment. You take meds. There’s some improvement. Is the improvement supposed to keep ramping up over time as you take the meds longer, or does it plateau at a certain point. So she called me back, and the vet said one week on the  Meloxicam + Tramadol combo. By Sunday, it will be five days, and I hope that’ll be a good enough read. In the meantime, the vet said to keep exercising her so the muscles don’t atrophy and to add glucosamine. The pet stores are already closed, so I ordered on Amazon and they arrive tomorrow. Gotta love Amazon. I guess I could have gotten it in the morning, but eh, I’m a unabomber these days.

Today I had an info interview with someone who now works at Duke. She was super, super helpful. She’s been going through her own exploratory process, so she suggested a few personal dev/growth books and just shared some really helpful insights and observations about foundation work. I’m so thankful. We talked for TWO hours. Tomorrow I hope to go forth implementing some of her suggestions.

Progress

When Remy got up this morning, she really had a tough time. Her left hind leg just kept giving out, such that every time she would walk, the whole lower half of her body would just start to curl and tuck to the left. It was not good. After showing progress the day before, this seemed like a bad sign. But I proceeded as discussed with the vet: Remy had taken Meloxicam for three days, and now it was time to introduce the Tramadol. I fed her and then gave her the meds. By late morning, she was still hobbling, but shit, she got herself up, and somehow we managed to walk to the park!! Woohoo. When we got there, she was super tuckered, so we copped a squat and just enjoyed the sunshine for 20 minutes. Then we headed home. She still sniffs the park grasses– she seemed to enjoy herself. By evening, she looked better– still weak but moving, which is such a relief. We’re not out of the woods yet, but I’m hopeful. My little Bembo is so fucking tough!

In the afternoon, I left the house to drop off Adamo at the UPS store. The store happened to be across the street from Target, so of course, that necessitated a pit stop. I just scored some basics. Shit there can be so cheap when on sale!!

A few of my friends got sick over Thanksgiving, and that was enough to get me to the clinic for a flu shot. Omg, sitting in that waiting room surrounded by screaming kids, my throat suddenly felt scratchy. Ugh. Afterwards, I made another stop at the office. I know, I was just there yesterday, but it’s right next door to my doctor’s office. Plus, I had to drop off some mail for M. Well, an hour later, I was still stuck there catching up with people… I really like the people there, but sometimes I just feel kinda like I’m disrupting their work zone… plus, it feels a little weird to have left but then to be there regularly for fun, right??

For dinner, I tried a new Skinnytaste recipe: curry chicken. After having tried a number of their more savory, sauce-like dishes, John and I have concluded that we need to go elsewhere for those heartier dishes. These last few ones I have cooked are just too damn soupy and bland. Note to self.

I’m still following up with ranch contacts. Goddamn, I hope people start registering for shit. Come on, peeps!! Get those kids in horse camps and lessons already!!

Ok well I have my twelfth info interview tomorrow with a lady who now works at Duke, of all places. Small world, right? I also tidied the house up a bit tonight. We decided to host a party next Saturday, so I gotta start clearing my clutter. I swear to god, the work just never ends. I’m pooped. That said, I’m looking forward to tomorrow when Remy will be back to her old self. Maybe. 🙂

Turkey Day Prep

Since I’m all domestic and shit now, I appointed myself in charge of the Thanksgiving meal. Usually, we always host a big party, but things are kinda different this year, so I was just going to cook for the two of us. Turns out, John’s sister will be in town also, so she and her beau will be joining. I have now made three trips to the grocery store. Every time, the places have been mobbed. Goddamn, I’d forgotten how big a holiday this is!! Two days beforehand, I received Sam Sifton’s Thanksgiving book in the mail– John’s not-so-subtle hint/reminder to not fuck up the biggest meal of the year. No pressure, right? Actually, since I was planning for a small group and I was the head honcho in charge, I set the expectations low from the get go. I’m still cooking up a lot, but whatever, some stuff I got started on today, like the cranberry sauce, a banana Nutella bread, and roasted butternut squash. It doesn’t ALL have to be made the day of, you know? So on the menu: butterflied roast turkey, gravy, bread stuffing, butternut/spinach salad, green beans (his sister to provide), and sweet potato marshmallow casserole. I’m feeling very full just listing all of this out! Well at least I’m feeling a bit more comfortable in the kitchen these days. My sense of taste is improving as well: pretty much, I just add double or triple my instinctive amount of salt. Haha.

In other news, my new laptop arrived yesterday, and today I finished setting everything up. The old Adamo is getting shipped to SquareTrade for repair and then I plan to sell it. Always hustlin’.

I had dinner last night with my buds T and M. Same old bullshit drama going on at work. Blows my mind the level and longevity of that bullshit. Drives me bonkers. Otherwise it was good to catch up, although clearly, I haven’t been in the best of moods lately. In fact, after I got home, I couldn’t sleep later and then I had a meltdown with John. All the old worries about work and figuring out my life resurfaced. I know I just have to keep doing what I’ve been doing. Something will come up. Just get back on that damn wagon!

Speaking of which, I need to finish this week’s marketing classes and then figure out my ranch pitches next week for the city parks and recs. And I need to get back to that barre studio to finish out my Groupon. Ugh, but maybe sweating it out will do me some good.