Category Archives: Work

Redeemed

So following my disaster of a phone call earlier this week, my confidence was noticeably shaken. But I was trying really hard to keep my head up and to focus on moving forward. My networking group (ProMatch) duties ramped up this week… we had the second orientation meeting on Wednesday, and well, you know how that goes: more discomfort desensitization training for me. Haha. I also took a class called Generating Job Leads, and I tell ya, I am learning some se-crets!! There are just so many resources out there… I am amazed every damn day.

But the big news is that I got called for a phone screen on Thursday. Going by the job description and everything I have read about the organization online, this place is made for me. I know, I’m not putting all my eggs in one basket just yet, but I’m just saying, the vibe, the culture, the content… it’s practically a match made in heaven. In preparation for the call, I poured through my notes from my “Ace the Interview” class. The instructor had said last week that phone interviews are the best, because you can just post all your talking points on the wall, you can have access to the computer during, and you have all your information right there. Wow, I’d never thought about it that way, but shit, she’s right. I mean, I really should just pin everything up on the wall and take the call standing up, you know? So I went into big time preparation mode, and my goodness, the closet doors in my office got plastered with my notes and papers. It’s now my very own Situation Room. Move over Wolf Blitzer!! And what do you know, the call went really well!! I mean, not PERFECT, but I’m still pleased. The ED was so charismatic and nice. We really had a great conversation, so now I’m even farther invested into this gig… But you know, I’m not going to be stupid about it. I just need to apply everything I’m learning, and we’ll see where this all leads.

Thank goodness the call went well though: it’s a great way to kick off the holiday weekend!

Good News, Bad News

Oh, the drama continues… I know, right after I’ve been telling you that I need to pipe my shit down. Well, new developments. So you know how I’ve been busting ass with these job center workshops and such, right? So last week, I sent off a few new job applications (where I applied my new “tricks”), and I also circled back with some past contacts. One role was a digital communications position with a national environmental advocacy group in SF. Another was a communications manager job with a grantmaking organization across the street from my former workplace. A third was a remote technical project management gig for a consulting firm that works with nonprofit clients. The good news? I got two bites out of three. Kind of. I have a phone interview for the grantmaking org this week. Then, my contact at the consulting firm got back to me, saying I’d be great for their PM role, but they weren’t currently recruiting. Needless to say, I was feeling awesome, especially because I got a bite soon after optimizing my resume and cover letter, you know? Like the response really affirmed that my changes were moving in the right direction.

Then today, I had an info interview call. The lady is a super star big wig, recommended by my friend L. In the last several months, we had tried a number of times to meet up, but in the end, I was lucky enough to score a phone call. By now, I’ve done a shit ton of info interviews, and I seriously researched her background and read her articles and prepped for the conversation. But I dunno whether I was super intimidated or what… it did not go well. I tried really hard to have an agenda for our allotted 30 minutes (I didn’t want to waste her time), but I dunno what happened. The conversation did not flow at all, and in the end, I felt like my questions just came across totally random and stupid. All those social intelligence classes, all those books on how to talk with anyone, all those info interview articles… my gut felt awful, and I think it’s safe to say, I have a pretty good read of situations these days. Those two job interviews where I didn’t close the deal? I had a sense even before the news was formalized.

So wtf happened? It reminds me of that time when my friend D was dating that girl L. On paper, everything about her was fabulous. I was so ready for her to be my next BFF. And then, there just was no chemistry. Maybe my questions were lame or too open-ended? Sigh. I mean, I still walked away with some helpful info and practices, so I’m trying not to get totally down about it, but damn, a part of me really feels like I came across unprepared and just plain dumb!!! And now what will she say to L? How does that change what he thinks of me? How does this change the mentorship role for which I have already designated him? Ugh, ugh, ugh. I have a sinking feeling right now…  how/why did I fuck that up???? Inhale, exhale.

Surprisingly, my optimistic side keeps saying to me, “resiliency.” That’s the difficulty of dealing with people, right? You win some, you lose some. You connect immediately with some, but you scramble awkwardly with others. Chalk it up and move on.

So this brings to mind something else I’ve been thinking about lately. I have many friends with whom I am extremely close. We get along super well; yet they have friends with whom I don’t connect at all. Similarly, I have other friends with whom they don’t connect. There’s something weird about association: just because two people jive really well together, there’s no guarantee that their connections will share that same level of stickiness. For example, my friend J. After he went to another job, our communications waned over time, and I remember complaining about it to my friend T. She would just say that he was a boy– typically lazy and prone to giving minimal effort. She also said that through her interactions with him, he was always a bit on the cagey side, that he was really difficult to know because he was so guarded. And she’s said that about another new friend of mine, A, with whom I’ve felt pretty easily connected. Same deal: difficult to read. I agree, there are definitely times when A doesn’t seem exactly the same page, but I have never really felt uncertain, you know? I mean, even with my close friends (except maybe N), there are times when there’s a disconnect or disjoint in terms of understanding intention and meaning and such but… Anyway, it’s an interesting observation, and maybe it just reinforces what happened today. I was so convinced that because this woman was a friend of L’s, we would hit it off instantly. Sigh. Man, human interactions are frickin’ complicated!! I need to go rest my brain now.

People and Perspective

I had an interesting day today. I got up early and headed out to Livermore, where my friend S is a camp counselor for Camp Wonder, a summer camp sponsored by the Children’s Skin Disease Foundation. I was a little nervous, because I haven’t really spent much time with kids (like ever), but I made sure to ask S what gifts or snacks I could take… Gotta start things off on the right foot, you know’? Thankfully, she provided sufficient instructions: stickers, bubbles, coloring books, temporary tattoos…

I’d never been to this site before, Camp Arroyo (part of East Bay Regional Parks District), but wow, what a beautiful location with well-designed green cabins and facilities. There were kids everywhere, and they were so… joyful. I mean, I don’t think I was really prepared to see the severity of their medical conditions… it was definitely an eye-opener. And I was so amazed and inspired by their ability to stay positive and to have fun in spite of their situation. The girls were so sweet and spirited. I am grateful for this new perspective today.

After Livermore, I was back at the job center for an interviewing workshop. The caliber of classes there are so good… the only issue I have really is with the students. Sometimes they just really irk my nerves. Like today, everyone was really quiet in the beginning, so the instructor just told us to break up into small groups and do these ice breaker conversations: explain what kind of work you are seeking and share with us your favorite ice cream flavor. So neither of the two people in my group followed directions. The woman took the initiative to start, and then proceeded to share her entire life story… I mean, really? Do you think that’s appropriate when there are three of us, and class is supposed to start in five minutes?? I started giving her a look like, hurry it up lady and then she said, she wasn’t finished but she wanted to give us a chance to talk. Oh, like five minutes later… thanks for letting me do the fucking assignment. Seriously. And I thought I had bad self awareness and social intelligence…

Aside from that annoyance, the class was really informative and helpful. I am supposed to start up the networking group next week… I’m apprehensive but also eager to see where all this goes.

Meanwhile, J and I are off tomorrow for a quick desert getaway. First time to Palm Springs and beyond… Temps are supposed to be over 110, so I’m not sure how this is going to work out for Bubbey, with his heat sensitivity, but hey, I gave him an out and he insisted that the trip must go on.

Shared Experiences

After returning from North Carolina, I fell into a funk. Of course, that didn’t stop me from forcing myself to stop in at the government job center in Sunnyvale. I had actually researched Nova (northern valley) before and noticed the superb Yelp reviews, but for some reason, I had just never gone. Then, while I was in NC, one of my contacts suggested I check out the services. So I did.

Admittedly, I went in thinking my resume was already the best it could be (after all, it’s already gone through a gazillion edits), but what do you know? I picked up some new tips, and now my resume and cover letters are even BETTER. Wha?? Was that even possible? 🙂 I know, I fluctuate between feeling rockstar confident and feeling completely and utterly broken. Story of my life. Anyway, I attended a few workshops and orientations and also met with a couple of career advisers. Both felt that my materials were pretty strong and that for me, I needed to boost my numbers: network more and submit more apps. So now I’m back on that wagon.

One of the advisers also recommended that I attend an orientation this morning for a job networking group. As with nearly all of these activities, we started off going around the room with individual 30-sec introductions. Ugh. I still dread those things, but I did notice that I’m less anxious about them now, so that’s promising. On the down side, I still kinda felt like I was in an AA meeting or a support group of sorts– we’re all a little defeated and a little uncertain. The trainer this morning talked about the emotional roller coaster during this whole job transition process. Sometimes I do feel a little sheepish–like we are some lame group of misfits or social outcasts– but today I found some comfort in knowing that my emotional ups and downs weren’t just about me. In fact, there’s nothing wrong with me: these highs and lows are just a natural and expected part of the process… and oddly, I felt a little validated from just learning that. So this networking group, should I decide to join, requires that people split out into groups/teams and then each member has to volunteer 4 hrs/week minimum helping to run the operations and group exercises. There are a ton of activities and role playing exercises to practice networking, interviewing , etc. Yeah, it’s super uncomfortable, to be honest. But I try to convince myself to consider this all as a game, except that shit, there’s so much frickin’ interaction!! One part of me wants to step back– it’s just too much people time and too much awkwardness and discomfort. And yet, if I give it deeper thought, I know that this is the new world order, you know? I left my comfortable, stable job to seek change, challenge, and adventure… Yes, I have grown tremendously in the last several months, but that’s not necessarily enough. This is how things are moving for everyone…

As I’ve met so many new people and listened to their personal stories, I’ve always felt like my own life had a lame, boring path. I’ve alluded to this before: I mean, I know people who have battled cancer, lived through war, suffered from disease, poverty, abuse… they have these incredible stories of fortitude and survival. So maybe in some weird way, this process is MY story of resilience and strength. In giving up my job, I didn’t anticipate losing my identity and self-worth, but  I feel now like I am fighting to earn those things back. Not that I will only regain them through employment, but that every day, I’m struggling to keep disappointment and failure from degrading my soul and spirit. I shouldn’t give up just because I’m tired, or because this new paradigm makes me cringe. If I indeed value learning and adaptability, then this is where the rubber truly meets the road. The world is changing; the markets are evolving… there’s no time or reason to be defeatist. The world won’t stop just because I want a breather.

This morning after the orientation, I was really leaning towards finding an excuse or easy way out. “I’ll just continue to network on my own; I know what I have to do.” But deep inside I know that I have to face this head on. It’s go time, and I have to pull out all the stops, goddamnit. Bring. it.

Bad Vibes

I am feeling so frustrated today. Last night, I was feeling negative vibes coming on, and I thought maybe today would just be a rest day. But then I got up this morning thinking that I should stop feeling so damn sorry for myself.

Honestly, I dunno what the hell happened. I was just in NC for two weeks, where I had a great time hanging with N, learning tons at Duke, and making new friends. I was feeling energized like I had a path forward. And then, I guess I didn’t hear back regarding a few info interview requests; I didn’t get bites (yet) for a few job apps; and I can’t seem to connect with anyone here again. Busy, busy and next thing I know, Marty is really my only companion these days.

My birthday came and went… and while I got lots of notes and messages, I didn’t get any cards… well, namely from Bubbey. Before I had left, he asked if I wanted to do a party or whatever. I just felt like it was too much work. Then, he’s been working crazy hours on a programming project. Really major hours. But still, I was really disappointed not to find a card in my suitcase or on the nightstand after I got home… it just made me feel really sad. I try not to be a demanding spouse, and I’m trying to be understanding with his job, but I’m bummed about it! And since I’ve been back, I have mentioned it a few times. Three days later, and still no card. Again, I chastise myself for having the expectations– even if I feel they are small ones. Remember how Bubbey said it was a totally bad idea to bring up “lack of attention or effort” to my friend? Well, maybe this is a similar case: I’m doing my best. So fine, I have to try not to care about the silly card.

Meanwhile, I’m trying to seek companionship and consistency and reliability elsewhere. Maybe from some of my newer friends, like S from the Duke class. She’s flying up from San Diego to be a camp counselor for the Children’s Skin Disease Foundation in Livermore next week, so I’m going to go visit. On Sunday, my friend B made a deal with the hubby to watch the kids, so we’re gonna go all out crazy. Cougar crazy. Haha, just kidding.

Interestingly, my friend J, whose long silence really upset me, texted a message asking if we were on emailing/speaking terms. Weird, right? That’s why I feel like he is actually a super sensitive person… not meaning thoughtful of me but just that he DOES have an awareness of situations, that things are different from before, you know what I mean? On the advice of others, I had just let that one go… I was getting busier and busier, and I guess I made a conscious decision not to prioritize there. It sounds like he is still super overwhelmed with fatherhood and work. I always feel such a strong pull to solve my friends’ problems. But I dunno. I’m feeling a little at the end of the string myself these days, so maybe I just have to conserve energy and refocus.

While I was out in NC, I received a text from my plane friend, L. He said he hadn’t heard from me in a while, and he just wanted to make sure everything was ok. Such a sweet gesture. I don’t mean to gush, but this guy is just my kinda person. During my layover in Dallas, I sent him a quick email telling him about the Duke program and that I was finally scheduled to meet with his friend, a high-powered female executive whom he thought I should contact, and the dude replied in like two hours. And he always replies that promptly. I know, I’m so damn particular, aren’t I? In my defense, I’ll bet other people are just as particular but about other things, and they just don’t write about it on a public blog. Haha. Oh well. This makes me think of a term one of the teachers used in the class last week: Homophily. We are drawn to people who are like ourselves.

I busted out my rollerblades for the first time in two years today. I was trying to work off my frustration. It didn’t really help since I’m writing my little tell-all right now. 🙂

Yesterday, I went to the job training center in Sunnyvale. A friend had recommended the place saying that I was doing all the right things on my job hunt, but maybe the advisors could help me tweak my resume a bit more for the area market. So fine. Sat in on an orientation and a resume class. Apparently, employers spend LESS THAN 30 secs per resume, so it’s not really an opportunity to be creative. It’s just 1, 2, 3, done. So that’s annoying. And same with the cover letters. I read the samples from the class and honestly, I thought they were lame. Sterile even, but whatever. Guess I should listen to the experts. So today, I reworked my resume, and I have an appointment tomorrow with the advisor.

Meanwhile, I’m still handling contracts and scheduling for the ranch. It’s fine, but now I’m really using it as experience. So far, because of my new contracts,I’ve brought in 100 new kids to the ranch. Ironically, I myself haven’t been riding since March. Maybe the cowgirl is no longer in me.

My New Clique

Wow, it finally happened today. I formed my very own clique in the class. Earlier in the week, I had invited some of the ladies to join me for a walk in Duke Gardens after class… I ended up going solo, because I gave like 15 minutes’ notice, but this time, I gave a few ladies some decent heads up as soon as I’d heard about an outdoor concert tonight in downtown Durham. One lady, from San Diego, I could tell was game for anything. We’d had lunch yesterday, and I had also overheard several of her conversations with other classmates: homegirl got OUT. Then I also recruited the lady who lives in my hometown of Frederick (She’s also Peruvian) and a lady with whom I had walked during lunch on Tuesday. A lady from DC also joined, so at the end, we had a good little group!

Btw, the San Diego chick is a superstar researcher. She enrolled in some hotel program and earned double points plus gym access plus free breakfast, plus appetizers/drinks plus blah, blah… Yup, my kinda gal. And the Peruvian? She just learned salsa a few years ago: after she decided to learn, she started going to salsa clubs, and in the end, she met her husband there!! This evening, after the concert, she hit a local salsa club solo. Again, my kinda gal. Grab the bull by the horns!!

So for tomorrow’s class on board governance, the teacher already sent out an email telling us to arrive early. Something like, if you arrive on time, you’re already late. Really?? What am I, a teenager?? Tomorrow night, he wants to have dinner with the class. That means I only have Saturday and Sunday nights left to plan activities with my latest clique. Hmm, what to organize??

Btw, today we had a field trip to a recovery center for people with substance abuse. We met people in the program and listened to so many moving, personal stories. I’m shocked by what alcohol and drugs can do to people… but the trip really reminded me again of human resiliency and fortitude. I am so amazed by how far people can come no matter their depths of despair. I was also reminded today of how far I’ve gotten away from volunteering. Goddamn, as a kid, I volunteered at the hospital and at the animal shelter. In college, I also volunteered regularly at the animal shelter and at an after school center for inner city kids. In Florida, Remy and I did that Dr. Dog program at Shands Hospital. In Virginia, I was a literacy tutor for adult immigrants… what the hell happened to all of that?? What happened to that idealism, that hunger for real impact, that commitment to implementing change? I’d like to get back to that sooner than later. Time to strategize once again.

Carolina on my Mind

Is that the title of a song? It sounds kinda familiar, like a James Taylor song or something. I don’t know. My brain is pretty tired right now. This last week in NC has gone very well. I had a wonderful weekend with N in Wilmington, and then everything has so far gone off without a hitch in Durham. My one-way rental car was fine. The hotel checked out fine: the room is clean, and wifi is solid. The building exterior and breakfast are a bit sketchy, but whatever, it is seriously right next door to the class hotel at half the price. Cost above quality, baby!! Haha.

So as you know, on Sunday, the day I turned 38, I ventured back on campus for the first time in probably 13 years or so. The campus itself is beautiful, but god, it has changed so much! Even the Levine Science Center, which was brand spanking new my sophomore year, looked totally old and decrepit. I went to the student center, my old dormitory, the engineering buildings, etc. Most of my old spots on West Campus and on Science Drive. It really brought up a flurry of feelings: nostalgia, regret, sadness… I couldn’t help but wish that I had spent my college years differently. I was in such a beautiful and magical place, and yet, I was so blinded by anxiety and worry, not to mention two years of frustration and anger from having to babysit my asinine brother. And my mother wonders why I don’t have kids.

Anyway, the Duke nonprofit management program started on Monday and so far, it has been freaking awesome. The teachers are really excellent: they are organized, methodical, and the material is super practical and relevant. I am learning so damn much.

On the other hand, the networking with classmates hasn’t quite panned out for me; I’m not exactly sure why. Maybe the group is TOO diverse, but oh well, I am just so pleased with the content. And the crazy thing is, once all my costs are tallied, this program will actually come in only a few hundred bucks more than the SFSU program that spans several months doing a Friday night + all day Saturday schedule.

While in town, I’ve also managed to meet with a few people whom I had contacted through my info interviewing process back west. Those in-person meetings have gone great: the people have been remarkably nice, not to mention, beyond helpful. For the remaining nights, I don’t have activities planned, but I will likely ask around and see if some of the classmates want to hit the town for dinner or something. Classes will run through the weekend.

So when I had spoken with my mother last week, she had somehow forgotten that I was doing this program. Then when I told her again, she asked if it was part of an MBA program. No mom, it’s freaking 8 days. No one is going to earn an MBA in just over a week. I know, it was probably just an innocent question, but well, what can I say: the nemesis ruffles my feathers. Then she made some comment about how it’ll be hard to absorb all the info for a full day now that I’m older. She has realized that she has trouble staying awake during lectures and talks. Fair enough, except that I am 30 years her junior… And, little does she know, I am on a learning binge, so that is not a problem!! After class yesterday, I even came home and reviewed all the notes and then tried to read the financials. Sadly, the teacher kinda rushed through it towards the end, so now I don’t quite have that one down. This morning, I tried to ask some classmates about it, but no one had really looked at the materials after class, and no one seemed concerned. I guess I’m kinda intense about my learning. I will ask different people tomorrow.

And now it’s almost 1 a.m., and I am still up. I guess I was feeling some anxiety tonight, because I did some more job searching. Truthfully, I feel like I wasted the last six years of my life at the District. Nonprofits don’t consider government work nonprofit experience, and then because I did this combo of tech and communications, people don’t seem to want that either: the demands are either hardcore tech (i.e. Salesforce, coding, or database) or hardcore communications. So I’m just frustrated. I sent out some more info requests tonight, and maybe my next step will be the environmental focus, as one of my info interviewees suggested since that’s what the District mission was and that was also my academic background. That or I might just work to get that Salesforce certification. Sigh.

I keep running all these different permutations in my head… I am really antsy to work again in these new areas. I suppose I should just finish this class first and then see what simmers and rises to the top afterwards. Time for bed.

[[FAG id=7412]

Race Against Time

I’ve been feeling super fatigued lately. Over the Memorial Day holiday weekend, I slept a shitload. My body just felt so damn tired. I know, when most people hear about me sleeping a ton, they suspect depression, which I suppose is possible but dayum, I hope it’s unlikely. I was feeling so physically tired, like my body just could not move, like my body couldn’t even climb out of bed. Maybe some of this makes sense, because I’ve had trouble sleeping again lately: I’ve been staying up really late working or reading or just thinking… John’s snoring is not getting any better, and on top of that, he’s been having some pretty serious back pain.

Why are we broken? Are we so fragile that a few years shy of 40, we’re already riddled with such ailments? It just doesn’t seem right. Have we gotten soft, or were we were always this feeble? WTF is going on??

At times, I feel so full of determination and resolve, you know? Like I’m going to figure this shit out, and I’m going to hustle like nobody’s business to find clarity, strive for success, and attain fulfillment. And then, I suffer a few setbacks, and I lose momentum. After a few days, the cycle starts again. Up and down, up and down. Jesus, and I consider myself to be a pretty reliable and steady person. But lately, I’ve been thinking again about this feeling of squandered privilege.  I’m trying so hard to get this right, to live my life with purpose and intention, to not have any regrets, but where am I headed and on what schedule??? I’m moving in a direction; yet, every damn day my patience and faith (in the process) is tested. What is the problem here? Not enough confidence? Poor self perception? No self awareness? Lack of resiliency? And as I write this, it becomes clear that self-doubt is the common theme with all of this. Surely, the problem is me, right? Not smart enough; not competent enough; not polished enough; not talented enough; not hungry enough… I know, are you sick of the broken record yet? I recognize the pattern; I am aware of the onslaught that so often follows the setbacks. And goddamnit, I really should know better. After all, I’ve read all those books on personal growth and development. Confidence and courage are so damn critical; yet, I find these qualities to be as fleeting as they are important. Is this some insane, torturous mind game I just keep playing with myself?

Last week, I vowed to “sell the house” a la Carolyn in American Beauty. I stepped up my game. I reached out to new people, to old people, to more people, with better strategy and more gumption. Some replied (yay!); others didn’t. I know, it was a holiday weekend: maybe people are still getting caught up, but tomorrow will be a week later. It’s a numbers game, I remind myself.  I comb through my contacts spreadsheet; I research more; I study more; I keep plugging. But I still falter, why?

Last week, I was reminded of death again. An acquaintance who had acquired a horse less than one year ago, lost him suddenly, after a freak accident forced her to put him down. It’s a tragedy that tells me to count my blessings and be grateful for each day. That UCSB incident? Again, life is so damn precious. I don’t really fear death, but I fear untapped potential. Every day, I feel a pressure to be true to myself, to live authentically, to “make things count.” I feel rushed, and I don’t know how to balance that with the mindfulness and meditation. That’s the irony in all this, right? I seek peace and yet, time is so finite and there is no time to lose. So what’s the strategy? Appreciation and enjoyment in the now; satisfaction in the ongoing journey; faith that the path will lead where it needs to go. Baby steps, patience, and perseverance. Sounds simple. Ugh, I really gotta Andy Dufrense that shit. (Holy crap, I just realized that YouTube has EVERYTHING!!) And btw, I don’t really watch that much tv: clearly, all the films I reference are from the late 1990s. Shrug. Nose back to the grindstone.

Moving Fast

Things have felt super accelerated lately. Somehow, something has lit a new fire under my ass, and I dunno: I’m just really hitting the pavement hard these days. Like even harder than normal. Earlier this week, I cleaned the house: vacuumed, floor mopped, dusted, wiped down the surfaces, did laundry… I’m pretty sure my inability to sit still is what saves me from spilling too far beyond that +/- 5 lb. zone. Yeah, the flabby arms are still an issue, but shit, that’s a story for another day.

Anyway, two days ago, I read an article on Mashable about virtual companies, and whadya know? The piece turned me on to a new nonprofit tech consulting firm… one I didn’t know about previously (and my list is pretty long!). So immediately, I looked that company up on LinkedIn (my favorite online job tool EVER), and holy crap, they are hiring project managers, AND one of their staff lives in the Bay Area.!! So, I browsed around the company site, read up on some of her background and professional materials and introduced myself via email. Voila, we’re meeting for coffee next Tuesday. Yup, I’m taking this shit on fast. track.

Sure, part of me likes to take all the credit: my intro message is pretty damn kickass and compelling. That said, I also kinda know better. People who work in the social good sector (doing mission-based work) are just a different breed I think. They are so genuinely nice and gracious. They’re out there to save the world, and when someone (even a stranger) reaches out, they more often than not, respond nicely. And thank goodness for me, right?? I also noticed that this lady’s master’s degree is in women and gender studies, so that’s even doubly cool– a fellow feminist! I’m really excited to meet her. Fingers crossed!! Incidentally, the omniscience of LinkedIn also revealed that she has a co-worker in Durham, NC. Yup, that’s my next step: I’ll be contacting THAT lady for a meetup when I’m at Duke next month. Two birds, one stone, baby!

What else. This week I applied to a corporate citizenship gig up in San Mateo. I’ve got a call with someone who works in that department tomorrow morning. It’s a quasi-info interview plus I’m going to ask him about the gig. In preparation for the call, I watched a webinar he delivered in April about constituent relationship management platforms and got up to speed on his professional background. Gotta do my homework and all… Goodness, with all this “cold calling” and meetups with strangers, I might as well go into sales, don’t you think??

I attribute some of this recent motivation to those tv ads about Tony Robbins. Have you seen? He’s coming to San Jose next month for his Unleash the Power Within weekend workshop. Truth be told, I never wanted to like this leadership guru. I mean, what the fuck? So much hype, and really? Unleash the Power Within??? Come on!! But, a friend of mine attended his workshops, and now I’ve watched several of his videos… The guy is pretty. damn. convincing. If I weren’t so fucking cheap, I’d probably even go to his workshop!! He just has this palpable, contagious charisma, and I can really see how people get sucked in. I remember, two years ago I attended a conference where I met people who had attended his workshop. They were noticeably different from the other attendees… there was just a kind of vitality inside. Sometimes people say those programs are cult-like, but to me, who really cares what it is, so long as the people feel alive and energized to be better and to live better. Wouldn’t all of us benefit more from people getting out of autopilot to live with greater passion and intention?

I know, I need to start pacing myself with all these activities and events. I’m gonna skip out on Tony Robbins this time: instead, I’ve downloaded his free e-book. 🙂 I can’t be stopped!!! Muhahaha.

Do what you have to do
to be the person you want to be
who’s living the life you want to live

Do you like that? I wrote it myself. Well, I guess I paraphrased from lots of sources, actually. Whatever. The bottom line? Tony Robbins reminds me to dream big and to keep pluggin’.

Worn Out

I have a feeling I’m going to be a bit moody this week. This morning, I received notice that I didn’t proceed to the next round for a county job, for which I interviewed last week. I am realizing that my intuition is surprisingly accurate: I didn’t have a great gut feeling about the panel interview: I didn’t sell myself as well as I had in the past. It’s all good. I’s already been feeling a little bit like government culture isn’t the best match for me… Still, my competitive streak wishes I would have advanced in the game… you know, kept all the options on the table with only me to take them off. Ah well, cut my losses I suppose.

I was in SF this morning for another informational interview. I continue to meet really cool people, and goddamn, whoever invented this info interview concept is genius. I mean, really. It is so much more informative regarding culture and fit– which matters more to me than nearly all else. Today was my first time visiting a co-working space: my sense is actually that the environment is potentially distracting. I dunno.

Interestingly, when I registered at the reception, the dude complimented my red F21 pleather jacket. Haha. He said it channeled Michael Jackson. Not a fan of the MJ, but I am a fan of compliments. Made me happy. That little jacket… best $45 ever spent in terms of attracting attention. The guys love it for some reason.

So after my meeting, I schlepped all over the city: I ran some errands at the mall and then figured I would clock in some steps by skipping BART and hopping directly onto Caltrain. Road construction and several pedestrian detours later, I found that I had missed the train and goddamn, it was a windy day. I made a pitstop at Panera because by then, I was windblown, starving, tired (my bag had started digging into my shoulders), and sweaty as hell. I plunked all my shit down at a table, and my entire back was wet from sweat. Ugh, disgusting. And I suddenly felt so deflated. When am I going to find my place– not just job-wise but world-wise? I try to keep my spirits up, but lately, I’ve really wondered whether I am made for this world. I mean, don’t freak out: I’m not talking death or anything but geez, why is this process taking so long? And even though my life is relatively easy, why do so many things feel so hard? Like all this hustling. And then to maintain all the outward appearances too? Like looking professional and polished and shit. So much work!!

I mean, I didn’t even wear my fancy shoes today. When I finally do bust those babies out, how the hell am I going to shuttle in and out of the city while also carrying my load of crap? Someone really needs to invent beautiful TRULY COMFORTABLE, WALKABLE shoes that look swanky. For real. I mean, is the answer that I’m supposed to lug around my sneakers or flip flops and change?? Wtf??

Speaking of primping, I’m on another Pinterest kick, trying to get some new style inspiration and such. I recently came across contouring, and I am super fascinated. Admittedly, I have mild image issues, so this idea of “plastic surgery with makeup” is piquing my curiosity. Mostly, I’m drawn to the luminance: these women just have a glow… I think it’s pretty amazing, so I’m going to give it a try. Just got some bronzer today at Nordie Rack. Of course, John is skeptical. He thinks contouring may have great results for the camera, but maybe it’ll be too strong for real life. Well, beggars can’t be choosers: I would love to look fab in one realm or the other: real life OR on camera. Haha. The online tutorials make it look so ridiculously easy. I know. My self-projects are endless. Can’t help it. Sigh.