Category Archives: Work

Worry Wart

Since when did I become such a goddamn worry wart? Seriously. Ok fine, don’t answer that, because yes, I know I have always suffered from some bit of neuroses. I am my mother’s daughter after all…

To come clean, these last few weeks have been an ongoing struggle. I suppose when I go into quiet mode, it’s usually fair indication that shit is going down. Ok, maybe that’s sounding a bit too dramatic. But I’ve definitely been feeling very troubled by the world. Now more than ever, I need to follow news as part of my job– you know, being all up on stuff, but shit. Some days the weight almost prevents me from getting out of bed. I know, red flag right? Ugh. I need to give EAP a call. First, it’s just news all over, riddled with violence, manipulation, annoying self-righteous people who inflict harm on others. Then I just can’t seem to get myself into a groove. Work-life balance has totally gone to shit. The other day, I was so thrilled to take my scooter for a spin onto campus. I was meeting someone in the arts and sciences building, and seriously, I arrived all huffing and puffing. For like less than a mile’s distance. Maybe 1 1/2 miles max. I’m not sleeping well, I’m not exercising, I’m not blogging, I’m not doing friend stuff… I’ve seriously fallen off the wagon. And then Martin is having issues again. WTF. Fussy eating again plus nighttime anxiety. PLUS, I am having trouble securing doggie care for the winter break. Fuck me. I have asked SIX people. He’s muddying his nose all the damn time. He hops on and off the bed and cannot seem to get comfortable. Sometimes I think to myself, “When am I going to catch a fucking break?” And then I feel absolutely ridiculous for thinking such a thing… in my secure life of privilege.

Job-wise, I think my boss is happy with me so far, but I worry daily about performing, about accomplishing and achieving to the level I’m used to. Some part of me feels like my cultural illiteracy is a huge detriment to curating content that jives with college kids. I don’t watch much tv, and I’m not a fan of memes. WTF? The other part of me doesn’t even give a fuck about meshing with millennials. Dealing with seasoned, experienced adults seems so much more worthwhile. And I struggle with the larger theme about society’s evolution towards binge info consumption… people are processing and filtering info without even consciously registering much if it. The young brains work in different ways these days. Maybe I’m just feeling old and stubborn and resistant. On top of all this, one of the cool coworkers on my team announced Friday that she is leaving. I’m really happy for her, and maybe none of it is really that surprising. Still, I’m pretty damn bummed.

Of course, all of that said, I am still trying. I’m putting in after hours to try and understand more. And my boss is really supportive.

Well, no choice but to keep it together.

Back in Action Post-Asia

The last several weeks, I had every intention of resuming a regular schedule of blogging. For some reason though, my days have felt rather endless, and my mind is too muddled to come up with any content that is cohesive or articulate.

We returned from Asia, and this first week back went ok. I’m back to scouring for content 24/7, and I’ve also started taking a closer look at metrics. My boss and I hosted a web-based social media conference where we invited social media counterparts from all over campus. The conference speakers were really good… they showcased a lot of innovative campaigns and such that other universities have implemented with great success. I learned a lot from the case studies, and I also enjoyed meeting some of my peers elsewhere on campus. That said, I’m feeling the pressure to come up with new ideas and creative ways of harnessing social media. Honestly, I dunno what tricks I’m going to pull out of my hat, but hopefully, ideas will come to me somehow.

I recently purchased a Razor scooter– an adult-sized one. I figured that it would be a great way to get me on campus more often. Interestingly, the senior VP came by my office the other day, and he said, “You know, I have a lot of kids (he has SIX actually), so I’m usually up on all the trends. I have to say though, I haven’t seen Razor scooters in a really long time.” Ugh, is that your way of telling me I’m out of date, because hell, I will be the first one to tell you I am always ten years behind on fads. Haha! Whatever though. I took that scooter out for a spin, and the thing runs fast. It’s definitely not as stable as I had expected, plus the thing is a little heavier than I had hoped, but dang, it sure is fun to ride! I was zipping around at the park, and Marty had to run just to keep up with me. I think this is going to work out well.

Speaking of getting on campus, The Blind Cafe was at the university yesterday. Basically, it’s an organization that puts on dinner in the dark activities with the goal of bridging the gap between the sighted and the blind. I was so curious about the concept, that I got tickets immediately. When I told John, he was not interested. Dinner in the dark with strangers? Nope, an introvert’s nightmare. So, I ended up going alone, but shit, while waiting for the event to start, I struck up a conversation with a really cool lady who is the spouse of a university staffer. Super fun lady, and as it turns out, we have a ton in common. She’s a deal hunter AND she and her hubby are also huge fans of the San Jose Improv. She also turned me on to an open mic spot with killer Cajun food. I hope we’ll meet up to catch a show together. What a random but pleasant encounter! Then, the dinner itself was such a mind-blowing experience. Blind wait staff led us, single file, hands on the shoulder of the person in front of you, into a pitch black room. We were lead to our seats at a table, and then we were off to feel and converse our way through the six tapas dishes and dessert.

Holy shit. First, I don’t even sleep in that level of darkness. The only other place even close to being that pitch black was the Grand Canyon but even then, there was some light from the stars. What a crazy thing to imagine and experience this glimpse of what it’s like to be blind and living in darkness. The food was just gourmet tapas, but it was interesting eating with our hands and tasting without seeing. Later, there was a Q&A session where diners asked the blind waitstaff questions. There are programs to train blind people about independent living but shit, that sounds so incredibly hard! For example, how do blind people remember people they’ve met without having the visual data? Lots of questions that I had never pondered before. After Q&A, there was live music. Yes, one of the key organizers also plays in a band!! The Blind Cafe was a really great experience. Admittedly, after being in complete darkness for 2.5 hours, I was so thankful to get back into the light…

Cougar on Campus

So for my fourth week at work, I ventured onto campus a couple of times. You see, my office is actually across the street from main campus, so sadly, we’re not in the heart of the action. Anyway, I went to the student food court last Thursday. I went around 1p thinking it would be easy to grab a meal. Boy was I wrong. That was like peak time, and the lines for all the lunch spots were super long. No matter. I waited patiently. I tried to look around and get a sense for the kids. Goddamn they are young. Not very chatty either, even among themselves. Most kids had their faces buried in their phones, so I didn’t score any insightful comments or interactions.

After I got my food, I sat at a table outside in the courtyard. I had a very solitary lunch, but I sat at a table that was next to two female students. I overheard one complaining to the other about a mutual friend who was sick. She then went off on a tirade about how stupid the sick girl was for not heeding her advice to get the flu shot. Funny thing, I had just crafted a FB post about college kids being the worst age group for people not getting their flu shots. I kinda chuckled to myself: Yup, called it! I’m totally up with the current topics of conversation on campus. Haha.

Meanwhile, my boss has advised that I spend more time on campus after I return from my trip. She says it’s a great way to get my ears close to the ground. Is that the idiom? I’m actually thinking about purchasing a razor scooter, so I can easily zip on and around campus from my office. I’ve mentioned this to a few colleagues. They don’t seem impressed. Maybe a skateboard or long board will be more legit?

All In

OMFG, I haven’t written in AGES!! My last post was written at the end of week 1 of my new job, and now I’m on week 4!! Holy shit, coming up on a month there already!

Given my long silence, you’ve probably deduced that I am knee-deep in work. Which reminds me: my friend T, who served as a reference during the interview process, told my current boss, “V really spoiled us with her responsiveness and productivity.It was a rarity for her NOT to reply to our emails after hours or even while she was home sick. If she didn’t reply, we knew she was REALLY sick.” It’s kinda true. H1N1 is no fucking joke. I was out for a long while on that one. In general though, it’s not like I’m trying to be a superstar worker. Ok, kind of. But really, I just don’t like letting things sit. I like to be all caught up, you know? So yeah, for my peeps who have endured this multi-week silence on my blog, it pretty much means I’ve been in full-on job mode.

Here’s the thing though. At my previous jobs, I never really felt uncertain. This job? The boss and my coworkers are great, but I feel an unrelenting pressure. It’s possible some of the pressure is attributed to my long sabbatical, during which my confidence took repeated hits. Plus, I was out of the office environment for a long time.I don’t really know. John thinks it’s because I have daily deadlines with the postings.

Regardless, I felt overwhelmed being at an institution so much larger than my previous workplaces. And then, coming in without any history or affiliation with the university, there are so many moving parts (i.e., schools, centers, programs, and departments). But like I said, my boss is really good. In fact, she immediately came through signing me up for a ton of professional development opportunities, which we had discussed during my interview process. Interestingly, in between signing the offer and starting the job, I actually kicked myself for not getting any of the training budget details in writing. Thankfully, all of that is a moot issue. She even has me scheduled for a conference in Miami come April. Woot, woot!! My other coworkers are also really patient about my newbie status. So the pressure is mostly coming from me. You know, I’m impatient as hell. And I just keep shooting myself with that “second arrow,” worrying myself silly about ramping up and performing.

What is the second arrow? It’s something John and I learned in our mental skills training class at Stanford. Let’s say there’s a problem. I focus on solving the problem. That’s the first arrow– dealing with the immediate issue at hand. The second arrow comes from my mind fucking with me. So in this case, not only am I dealing with a very steep learning curve, but my mind (up until this week) just kept questioning and doubting my abilities. Of course, my counter to this is to work my ass off. I’m one month in, and I rarely leave the office before 6:30p despite getting in around 8a.

At night after I get home from the office, I hop on the computer again, scouring sites and news feeds searching for content and tinkering around with web metrics. The existing post schedule is pretty aggressive: on Facebook and Twitter, two posts a day; Instagram is one a day; then Pinterest and YouTube are secondary. I also manage two student interns, and that’s been a struggle. I’m realizing that student interns differ greatly from adult interns. I’m also trying to get a better feel for the vibe on campus… it’s dramatically different from my own college experience decades ago. So yeah, lots of thinking and learning. But also, a lot of extra baggage from the self-doubt and worry.

Yeah. By now, J is really sick of hearing, “I won’t make it past probation. They won’t want me to stay.” I know, I sound so damn dramatic, and how many times have I read/heard/written about women and their goddamn imposter syndrome, right??? I really should know better. Ugh. J reassures me, by reminding me that in my many years of working, I have zero instances of failing to perform. Fine. Gotta focus on the positive thinking.

Thankfully, I am finally feeling better at the start of week 4. The last two days, I queued up a bunch of posts. Of course, that padding is going to dissolve very quickly since I’m going to Asia for 10 days, and then the office is closed over Thanksgiving. But whatevs. I came up with like 25 new FB posts plus 18 Twitter posts so yay for me! The weird thing about social is that it never stops. It’s almost like retail: you have to push out content and stay open even on the weekends and holidays, because those are the times when people look at social. So yeah, I’m going to have to line up MORE content til December 1. I’m still learning about the audiences on the different channels. Last week, I posted a bunch of duds, meaning the posts didn’t score much traffic. The stats were pretty sad, but the numbers are shooting up this week. Hopefully, that means I’m settling in and finding my “voice.”

So tonight I’m taking a mini-break, stopping the content scrounging a little early to update my blog. After all, I know that my hobbies and activities and friendships are what sustain me and keep me balanced. Bad things happen when those things fall to the wayside. Been there, seen that.

What else. Last weekend, we booked our hotel for Tokyo finally. Yup, cutting it really close. I haven’t even looked at flights to Maryland for Christmas. Ugh. A bargain hunters nightmare.

In other news, Marty is doing better. I mean, he still gets spooked and is strangely picky with his eating, but I’m awaiting results from his urine culture from Sunday to see if the bladder and kidney infections have subsided following two months of antibiotics. He has also started a very irritating habit of spitting out his pills, even when I tuck them into those flavored treats called Pill Pockets. I get so frustrated when he spits out the pills. The ultimate annoyance though is that he never spits them out when John gives him the meds. We do it the same way, using the same treats and approach right before feeding his meal, and what. the. fuck? It’s racial!! Marty is a goddamn racist. After everything I have done for him. Let’s just hope he doesn’t pull this shit with Susan. And certainly when I get back, I’m not putting up with it.

Ok, I’m going to bed early tonight. I’ll try to resume a more regular posting schedule, for my own sanity if nothing else!

Week 1

Whew, I wrapped up week one at my new job. Overall impressions? Pretty good, I think. It’s still too early to tell, but there’s potential for a trong fit. The pros? Well, for one thing, I scored my very own office. Fuck yeah, first time ever, so that’s kinda cool. I’m rolling with the big dogs now! I actually spent Saturday printing/framing photos for the office. Second good thing? My boss and team mates are super cool. The boss is a really feisty Indian lady: I think we’re gonna get along really well. I’m also digging the college scene. There’s just something about being at an academic institution. I mean, part of me was a little concerned I might have minor PTSD given how much I stressed in undergrad, but thankfully, nah. I’m fine. I’m not a formal student right now anyhow, so it’s all good. Beyond my immediate team, people appear very warm and welcoming. The team treated me to lunch at the fancy staff and faculty lounge on Tuesday, and then someone in another group took me out on Wednesday, and I went out with a third person on Friday. In general, there isn’t much of a lunching culture (people do their own thing), but I’m trying to just meet some people and you know, get the lowdown in whatever way I can. Hee, hee.

Job-wise, I think there’s going to be a lot of latitude to experiment and to try new strategies. I’m trying to ramp up as quickly as possible, because I’m eager to start contributing. For one thing, the university ain’t no small environmental public agency. That is for sure. I mean, coming in, I knew that the university employed more than ten times the staff of my last employer. Still, I guess I didn’t really grasp the breadth of all that goes into a university. It really is a massive ecosystem, from the administration to staff to alums to undergrad programs to grad schools to student life to athletics to facilities to sustainability, etc. The list goes on. Consequently, their social media network is super distributed, because there’s just no way to scale with one or a handful of people running the show. That’s a huge shift for me: in my previous role, I pretty much managed all web and social media– strategy, content, planning, metrics… Here, I oversee those key areas but at a higher level, plus I’ll manage two student interns. Needless to say, there’s a shit ton to learn. Exciting but a little nerve racking too. Thankfully, my boss has us signed up for a higher ed social media conference. She’s on it. Finally, the commute is a very reasonable 20 minutes. If I want, I can opt for the train, which extends the commute to 45 minutes including walking to/from the train station on both sides. Double the travel time but still an alternative for days I don’t feel like driving my hurky jerky hybrid. What else. I get my own iphone. Interestingly, when I asked one of my coworkers whether she would advise keeping two separate phones (personal and work) or consolidating, she recommended that I wait until the 6-month probation was over. Nice. Haha. I mean, she said she didn’t mean that as a bad thing against me… who knows, maybe I’ll decide that the place isn’t the right fit. Haha, kinda odd but ok.

Now for the bad. Well, pretty minor so far. First, I do get the sense there is some mild drama/politics going on. Not that surprising considering every workplace has its issues. Also, the school seems a bit on the frugal/cheap side when it comes to budgets. For example, I requested a PC computer (instead of the existing mac), and the IT department spec-ed out a bottom of the barrel system. I replied, asking for a faster processor and better screen resolution, because this unit is supposed to last me the next 3+ years… I mean, if you get components that are already outdated today, that ain’t gonna go very far, especially at the speed at which tech evolves. Thankfully, my boss is advocating for me… but damn, we’re talking maybe $500-$700 difference for something that is critical to my daily work and is also amortized over the next several years… You KNOW I’m all about the bargains, but shiiit. Come on! As an additional data point, I even asked the IT department at my previous workplace to see what models they’re currently issuing, and they recommend the 7000 series. The uni wanted to give me the 3000 series. Other than that, no big complaints just yet. The new leadership definitely has some SUPER aggressive fundraising goals (that raises eyebrows), and the institution is working on a number of major projects concurrently, so… it’s an exciting time. But also a potentially insane time. We’ll see.

Other than that, I had a pretty exhausting first week. Not so much because I had to get up early (hours are roughly 8a-5p)… I actually like starting the day off early. For me, the trouble has been insomnia again, because Martin is having issues still. We took him back to the vet on Tuesday, and to the doctor’s surprise, he still has a bladder infection. And his kidney levels are still high, though they are lower than before. So turns out, the first round of antibiotics didn’t completely clear the infection. He’s also still having occasional spooking issues and unexplained trembling. So back we go on antibiotics, and now I have to try a few different meds to troubleshoot the trembling to see if it’s caused by 1) anxiety 2) internal pain 3) or if it’s actually tremors, which is neurological.

Yesterday, we learned that John’s sister put down her dog Bodi. He was a 15-y/o black and tan coon hound. Sure, he had a cushy, long life. Still, no matter how expected and inevitable death is, the loss of a dear, old friend is extremely sad and traumatic. Bodi, Jake, Remy, and Martin were like cousins– all of the same generation. When we adopted our furbabies, John, his sis, and I were just starting off as young professionals. We were all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Now we’re all old and crusty and jaded. Haha. But man, our dogs really grew up alongside us. I keep thinking to myself: Why do I still cry when I think of Remy? Goddamn, heartbreak sure is a beotch. RIP Bodi. Thanks for all the love and cuddles. Now go find your old friend Remy.

bodi

Emotional

It’s been an emotional last week. On Thursday, I met up with two ProMatchers– both in their 50s. They have been plugging away diligently, looking for jobs. When I got home at the end of the day, I started to cry. I thought about all the people I’d met at ProMatch, and I worried for them. What will happen if they can’t find work? Some of them have been unemployed for so damn long, and unlike me, they don’t have the security I have. One man is in his 60s… He and his wife are now moving to Oregon where he has three job prospects (but no formal offer just yet). They don’t know a soul in Oregon. But the wife is fed up with the Bay Area, and the hubby can’t seem to nail down work. Sigh. I thought about all the changes and adjustments they would have to make… he seemed apprehensive about “starting over.” I just felt so overwhelmed for them.

John tried to comfort me: he said that they would all find work. Just like I did. But ageism is real, and not just in Silicon Valley. How will these experienced, wise veterans of the workforce compete with all those young kids, who’ve already clocked in their 10,000 hours of training? This is a fate we will all face sooner or later: the fight to stay relevant, the fight to stay competitive and sharp. I went to bed early that night, feeling deflated.

The next day, one of the ProMatchers emailed me that she got a job offer!! When I’d seen her on Thursday, she had just come out of a second round interview. She said she felt good about it, but she was trying not to get ahead of herself. She seemed like someone with decent self-awareness and perception, so I was hoping her instincts were accurate. Thankfully, they were. And what a relief. She and I had started in the same batch/class last July. She is super excited about this job PLUS it’s super close to home. I was really happy and relieved. That news made Friday feel a lot better.

In the evening, Martin started exhibiting anxiety again. During the day, he looked great– peppy and energetic, so I was thinking that the infections were subsiding. We won’t know for sure until later this week, when I take him back for more blood work. But the anxiety definitely resurfaced at night…. I’m still boggled by what is going on. Sometimes I wonder if he’s playing off my own worries and anxieties, as I’ve been feeling far more tentative than usual about starting my new job. I’m not really sure why. Maybe because of the duration of my sabbatical? I dunno. Then I came to a different realization a few days ago: Monday marks the first time EVER that I will start a new job without Remy. I saw this story on Twitter earlier in the week, and her dog Chubby reminds me a lot of Remy: similar coloring, similar size, similar pointed ears that sometimes fall away from one another. I don’t know why it feels hard to embark on this new adventure without her. It’s not as if I had conversations with Remy. It’s not as if I discussed things with her. Still, I feel an odd combination of emotions these days: nervousness, uncertainty, mourning, grief, excitement, redemption… I’m hoping that once I get this first day and week under my belt, things will be better. I like to consider myself nimble and adaptable. But I suppose, I still have unexpected moments of vulnerability. What a fucking inconvenience!!

On the plus side, I had a very nice celebration last night with close friends. I’m really lucky and blessed to have their support, love, and encouragement. Come what may, I know “I’ll get by with a little help from my friends.” Onward!

Ms. Know-it-all

On Monday, I completed my run at ProMatch. I’m still in shock that it was only three months ago when I had joined. Geez, I was so cocky too when I started. I specifically remember thinking to myself: I’ve read a lot of articles and done a lot of informational interviews. I already know most of what I need to know. But whatever, maybe I’ll pick up a thing or two. Boy was I wrong, because holy crap, I learned a shit. ton. And that is not an exaggeration.

I know, I complained a lot about ProMatch being rather inefficient (and a huge time sink). What can I say: I’m an anxious person. I always feel some baseline level of urgency in my life. I was impatient about getting a job. Still, somehow all along the way, the people there really started to grow on me. Yup, I got sucked in. Shrug. So at the business meeting, I delivered my Success Story– a three-minute tale about where I’d landed and how I had scored the job. In my typical M.O., I spent some time prepping my talk. In the end, I couldn’t trim it down to the three minutes, but whatevs. I tried to impart some wisdom and encouragement about this trying and challenging shared experience called job search.

John was certain I was going to lose my shit up there at the podium, but thankfully, I kept it together. Maybe the voice quivered a tad at the end when I talked about all those negative emotions that arise as part of the process: self doubt, frustration, disappointment, inadequacy… my point in mentioning all that drama was simply to keep shit real. Hell, this was no walk in the park, and just because I’d signed a job offer last week doesn’t mean all the issues and uncertainty go out the window. Job search or beyond, I’m going to be inconvenienced by these pesky emotions over and over again. The thing is though, I refuse to let fear paralyze me. Even if I feel doubtful, I will continue doing what I gotta do. The human spirit is incredibly resilient, and thankfully (and remarkably), I have discovered strength even in the deepest depths of my despair. Credit to my friends and myself. Haha.

What else. Man, screw this social anxiety bullshit. Any chance possible, prey and practice on innocent bystanders. Seriously. Orientations, meetups, conferences. I don’t frickin’ care. I just started randomly chatting people up, and heck, before I knew it, my palms really stopped sweating, and my face really stopped turning beet red. Shit man, desensitization works!

Anyhow, I shared a few other pieces of advice while I had my few seconds of glory. Maybe my parents are right after all: sometimes I do enjoy being a little Ms. Know-it-all. Ha!

Let’s Do This!

So on Tuesday, I was back on campus for another interview– this time with the VP of University Relations. Yup, uber big dog. I had prepped all this shit beforehand: reviewed the strategic plan, got the 411 on his career, reviewed the uni’s budget, values, mission, fundraising breakdown, etc. We met for ten minutes. He just had me tell him about myself and answer a few other questions. Done. Afterwards, I felt good but you just never know. Sigh. Come what may.

When I got home, I resumed reading up on all the news stories surrounding the controversy. Late Tuesday night, I found a new article dated that day that said the state of California was requiring coverage. Whew! California saves the day!! It’s kinda funny, because the whole practice of getting up to speed on the issue really took me back to my Feminist Majority Foundation days when I was writing their news stories and action alerts. You gotta do your research. I was in the zone, man. It was an intense several hours.

Then, this morning, I got the call. Yippee, I scored a verbal offer. But I had also prepared an outline to broach the issue. Yeah, I know all the experts say job search is like dating: leave out all controversial issues and topics. Well, in typical VG style, I was compelled to bring it up. It was stressful, hard, and risky. But I put my shit on the table, man. That’s how I am. She was pretty taken aback, and the tone definitely changed. But she shared her perspective and practice as a communications professional. In the end, she said it was my call. Given that the law currently holds strong, the uni population is super diverse and progressive, people generally love working there, and none of these topics will be on social media, I’m good moving forward. What?? Yeah, did you hear that right? I freaking got a job offer. And I accepted it. All verbal, of course. That said, at the end of the talk, she didn’t sound entirely convinced. I mean yeah, social media stuff is all fun and fluffy. Here, I just dampened the mood talking about politics. I went over a few of the other benefits. No wiggle room at all regarding negotiations. Then, I reiterated that I wanted to proceed. She agreed to contact HR for the next steps.

The rest of the morning, I felt a little uneasy. I think mostly I was coming down from all the stress of preparing and leading a risky conversation. Plus, even beyond the job hunt, I’ve had a lot on my mind lately (Martin is still not eating enough…). In the end, I talked out the job offer with some friends, a career adviser or two, another random person, and I started to settle down. I reached out to the director again in the afternoon, reaffirming my interest and also thanking her for giving me the space to speak my mind. After all, this is what communications is about, right? I gotta exercise my judgement and handle it.

John worked really late and came home around 9p. I was just getting off a conference call for my mastermind class about Leadership and Influence (John Maxwell book). I was just so exhausted from everything. But John said the sweetest thing to me. He said he was really proud of me and of all that I had done. He said earlier in the day while he was at work, he thought about all the people we know: who among them would have done all the things I did to get here? Who would have gotten up after facing disappointment so many damn times to step outside the comfort zone again and again? Honestly, I think my friends COULD do this: people never know their full capacity. But I was really touched by his acknowledgement. I think back to those days not so long ago, when J and I almost called it quits. We had fallen out of sync and stopped understanding each other. And now, through a little bit of good fortune and a lot of perseverance, there truly is NO ONE who knows me better. He really grasped the severity of this dilemma for me. Some people reacted with some exasperation, suggesting I was being too picky or too perfectionist with my conditions. Others thought maybe it was just a simple “no” and move on kind of decision. John never questioned why it troubled me or why this was important to me. His acceptance helped me to accept myself.

And in the end, as I worked through the conundrum, I ultimately arrived at an answer that aligns with me and my values. I feel good. Bubbey tells me now to embrace the choice and move forward with happiness and joy, in celebration of this major victory. My Bubbey. I am so very lucky to have found him– in a world of 7 billion people.

It’s Complicated

Oh, the irony! Of course, the day before I received this latest notice that I had advanced in the recruitment, I was on campus having an info interview with someone who works in one of the graduate schools. I was getting a better sense for the environment, the resources, the vibe, etc. Then, I asked this final question: “I see that that a new president and administration came in a few years ago. Have you noticed any big shifts in leadership and priorities?” Apparently, there was a HUGE controversy on campus a year or two back where the president directed that a change in the uni’s health care coverage: elective abortion would no longer be covered, because it is “incompatible with the Catholic identity.” OMFG. Internally, I was fur-reaking out.

I knew the Catholic history, and before I applied, I had read their mission statement. My values align with the principles of a holistic education, compassion, community, integrity, academic excellence, etc. And despite the Catholic framework, I had read very specific statements claiming that all religions and denominations were accepted: they embrace diversity, inclusion, all faiths, blah, blah, blah. I asked the lady a few more questions, because as part of my own due diligence, nothing had come up on my radar, and I had scrolled back in the uni’s press releases with recent news and social media postings. Turns out, the issue first arose in October 2013, and on their website, coverage was minimal.

I could NOT believe this. WTF. I tried to remain calm: I thanked the lady and then hurried home to research this further. Holy shit. There was huge campus backlash and protests when this decision came out. One professor even resigned over the issue, saying there was no dialog about the policy change, and it doesn’t align with the uni’s pluralist values. The changes were originally scheduled to take effect January 2014, then they got pushed back to January 2015 to take into account changes from Obamacare, regs, and the like.

So fine, many could argue: Duh, the uni is Catholic. Catholicism is anti-birth control, anti-abortion, anti-gay, etc. It’s not that surprising. On the other hand, this is California. Abortion is classified under basic health care. And interestingly, there are a host of other Catholic universities in California who do NOT have this exclusion in their health care coverage. In fact, right now there are ONLY TWO higher ed places that have moved in this direction. Plus, if the administration is going to pull the “align with the Catholic identity” line, then why will the plans continue to offer birth control and sterilization? And will gays be banned from campus? Aren’t they committing “moral sins”? Will the institution only hire and admit staff and students who are Catholic? And who’s definition of Catholic? I have met so many Catholics who are pro-choice, pro-gay, pro-contraception, pro-divorce (well, you know what I mean…). Society is changing, folks. The rules need to evolve to accommodate what we learn.

Anyway, the good news is that the policy has not yet gone into effect. Also, due to the controversy, Jerry Brown’s office is going back and reviewing whether insurance companies in the state can even offer plans with this exclusion, so it’s possible the change will be legally blocked. I’m also comforted by the fact that the general sentiment on campus is opposed to this.

Abortion rights is a huge deal. I feel so strongly that women must have ultimate say over their bodies. The ability (and right) to control this equates to the ability to shape their lives and select their opportunities. And access to birth control is just as critical as access to abortions. Women need to have know about family planning: it’s all tied together, because better health education and access to birth control reduce the number of abortions. Women who can control the size of their families can better manage and support the brood.

If the university accepts all faiths, then it shouldn’t impose its ideals on people who have never claimed to share their belief in this area. Needless to say, I have been reminded again about this ongoing war against women. More than a decade after I worked for the Feminist Majority Foundation, we are still fighting for the same rights. Argh!

Breaking Point

Last night was a disaster. The day itself went relatively well. In the morning, I was at ProMatch. We had a guest speaker who provided a ton of metrics about the job search. His strategy? Contact people and withhold the resume. Instead, argue your value, say why you’re a fit, and then end with, “contact me if you think there is potential. I’d be happy to send you my resume then.” The approach is similar to what I’ve read with The Human Workplace column. I’m a huge fan, but sometimes going against convention is easier said than done.

The overarching idea is to be confident about what you can offer and also, to NOT appear desperate. I mean, he’s right: so much of this process has this lame, underlying power dynamic. I’ve discussed it before: this constant wishing and hoping to be cool enough for school. Anyway, I’m glad to be reminded of this alternate approach, and I think I’ll give it a try.

Also, you would not believe: remember the recent interview where I felt like the interviewer was questioning my work ethic because I said I valued work-life balance? Well shit, a few days later, the hiring manager started calling my references, and I am invited to meet next week with the head of university relations, the boss’ boss’ boss. I’m pleased.

In the evening, I was in SF attending a Tech and Philanthropy event. The event was hosted by a tech startup, so of course, the location was some super swanky rooftop terrace with catered appetizers. I chatted with a bunch of people, and I really felt inspired being surrounded by people working to solve society’s ills. I was feeling re-energized and re-affirmed about spending so much of my efforts targeting this area. I collected several cards, and I’ll be following up with those peeps.

After I got home though, things went downhill fast. Earlier in the day, I had received an email out of the blue from Verizon Wireless, stating that my account had been charged $80 this month. As I haven’t been a customer with Verizon since January 2014, I thought the email was spam, but I called to verify just in case. What I thought would be a simple 5-minute call led to a 90-minute debacle. Turns out, we have been charged for iPad data service this whole time. I didn’t receive any email notifications nor paper bills. Yes, I had seen the charge on my credit card for many months: for whatever reason, my brain just chocked it up as mobile service. I dunno. I should have caught it but I didn’t. Expensive mistake. So then I was on the phone for 90 minutes escalating the issue, talking to three reps arguing my case to get a refund for services that I never used. In the end, the most they agreed to do was credit us back half. I remember at the time, as soon as we had switched from Verizon, I lost online access to my account. Then because I was on e-bills, I never got the paper statement… which we needed for T-Mobile to pay the early termination fee. Whatever happened with that? Fell through the cracks also. T-mobile requires paperwork within 60 days of switching. Fuck. It was all too much.

When I think back to that switch, the whole process had so many bad signs. The day we switched to T-mobile, the store people were incompetent. They told us we’d get switched in 20 minutes. It turned into over two hours. They assured us that everything switched over. Now, we realize that just the two phones switched over, NOT the tablet. Then, even though they said our house had good signal, when we got home, it sucked. I had to call and argue with them to ship a signal booster. That worked and then the unit went kaput. I had to get another signal booster. Then Remy started her rapid decline, blah, blah, blah.

So when I finally got into bed last night, I just started crying hysterically. It wasn’t about the lost money. Ok, partly it was. But more than that, it was about all these details and moving parts. I’m supposed to be a great project manager. I’m supposed to be organized. When I was on the phone with T-mobile, the rep said, “All these months, your card was charged $80/month. Why are you discovering this now?” I felt so stupid and incompetent. There was no other explanation other than that I had dropped the ball. I need to own that.

Then I thought about all these things that are not getting done. I don’t cook regular meals. I discovered Marty’s infections about a month or two later than I should have. The garage is still a fucking disaster zone. I haven’t exercised in ages. I have spent zero time monitoring our investment portfolio. Sure, I stepped up at ProMatch, and I started volunteering for the environmental NGO. I’m also wanting to volunteer for the Asian Women’s Shelter. But I have so many new skills I have to learn, so many social impact talks I want to watch, so many books I have to read. I have so many follow-ups I have to do, more networking, more job applications. I suddenly felt overwhelmed. Where is my capacity? No job. No kids. No dependents, and I still can’t get my shit together. Goddamn, I sobbed like a dumbass last night. I just couldn’t stop crying.

Poor Bubbey. It was like 1:30 in the morning, and he was just trying to rest. He was slated to take me to the airport early in the morning for my trip to see G in Seattle. He suggested I take a break. Immediately. Mistakes happen. There’s a lot going on. I’m just doing too much. So I am taking this as an indication to step back and re-evaluate. Yeah, ya think?