Category Archives: Work

Undecided

The final week of my job, I had lunch with a former intern. J is a junior journalism student, and she is everything that youth embodies: optimism, promise, energy, enthusiasm. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t begrudge her any of those good things: she’s a smart, cognizant lady who has a great future ahead.

She was curious about my next plans after this social media stint in higher ed. Sometimes as a supervisor and/or an older adult, I feel like I should be wiser or more responsible and serve as a guide or a mentor. But this particular day, I didn’t know how to couch my response tactfully. I lamented that I worry how social media is changing the way people communicate; for example, I often feel overwhelmed following a gabillion feeds stuffed with content that’s insignificant and unimportant. I currently feel directionless and uncertain. I admire her decisiveness: knowing what she wants and unabashedly exploring journalism in all its various facets. J was incredibly supportive and understanding, even though deep down, I felt somewhat ashamed that as a near 40-y/o I still hadn’t figured out my life. The lunch ended well: I have every confidence that J will continue to do amazing things. She just has that zest and indomitable spirit– something that after wrapping up, I wondered if I ever had.

The next day, a book was left for me at the front desk. J had dropped off Undecided, with a note saying that our conversation over lunch made her think of this book written by her mentor, a journo prof at the university. I skimmed the early pages and back cover, and I was simultaneously moved and intrigued by my intern’s thoughtfulness. She was really listening when we talked over lunch, and this book seemed pleasantly appropriate.

This week, I started making some serious progress with the book, and I have to say, it is hitting on so many key themes. In some ways, it generalizes this tendency towards indecision among women Gen Yers, talking a lot about growing up over scheduled and overparented surrounded by an abundance of choice. It talks about a generation of girls being groomed from a very young age, to really believe that every step and every decision they make is of utmost importance. These girls start prepping for the right schools, taking test prep courses, being super involved in extracurriculars. Parents drill into their heads that they can do anything. My parents were certainly very involved with my academics: expectations were definitely high, and I felt tremendous pressure even as a middle schooler to not only excel but also make the right decisions for my future and equally as importantly, to NOT FAIL. Decades later, I can look back and smh at how serious and ridiculous and unrealistic I was. But damn, that habit/obsession/mentality developed over so many years, and clearly, I was/am not the only one. And to this day, my father insists that I made a mistake in taking organic chem my freshman year.

The book talks also about tying identity to accomplishments under the false or misleading premise that we women can “have it all.” Unfortunately though, the abundance of choice coupled with overstimulation/bombardment of information results in decision fatigue, paralysis, and in turn, an even stronger regret/fear of failure.

The path forward I think lies somewhere between conserving and prioritizing energies, understanding true opportunity cost, and acknowledging that sometimes you just don’t know until you try. The other tidbit is that everyone’s got their beef. You look at others, and it’s easy to adopt the “grass is greener” mentality, but the cold hard truth is that everyone is dealing with some kind of baggage or bullshit or issue. Life is a constant fucking jumbled mess. Edit and simply where possible to conserve energy for what’s most important, but no matter what, know that life is imperfect and a fucking pain-in-the-ass work in progress.

So concretely, how does this translate for me?

* Continue learning to dance or play ukulele or _____, but don’t expect that skill level to be anything close to legit or pro. These activities are just for fun; learn to really embrace that concept.
* Trim down the media consumption. It takes up too much space and clutters the psyche.
* Focus and learn new skills in series, not in parallel. Put a stake in the ground and go with it for some time. If that path doesn’t pan out, create a post-mortem to understand why and then put a new stake in the ground and move towards a new path.
* Know when to apply “good enough.” Maybe the job doesn’t have to be your passion. Maybe the job is meant to just provide routine and structure so your creative brain can thrive during the off-hours. Maybe satisfy your passion through some other means.

So yeah, obviously, none of these are new concepts: I have certainly held them at some point or another. Or Bubs has given me advice along these lines… Still, the takeaway here is to edit/simplify to narrow focus and minimize decision fatigue, remove the self-imposed timeline/pressure to make the “right” decision, and adopt a growth mindset. Sounds easy enough, right? Ok. Ready, set, go!

Vegas to the Homestretch

Overall, my dad’s visit went much better than expected. I think he had a good time, and I’m pleased with the level of travel and activities we did outside of the house. We parted ways the day after MLK, with dad flying straight home from Vegas and John and me back to the Bay Area. Of course, the day before, John commented that he wanted to touch down before noon rather than after noon, so we switched our itinerary to fly out earlier. As it turned out, SFO was getting another dousing of rain, so our flight got delayed. Thankfully, I moved fast and asked the gate agent about flying into SJC instead. It was 6:50a, and she switched us for free to a 7:15a flight. So yeah, we headed out of Sin City early, in time to be back behind our desks by 9a. Workaholics, man. They CANNOT be helped.

Most people say their final week on the job is super lax. Unfortunately, not my experience. Last time I ditched The Man, the last week was crammed up to the wire with me training my interim replacement. Same deal this time. The interim was a previous staffer from a different department. She crashed my office, and we spent my last week practically attached at the hip. Ok, not that bad but there was a TON of info transfer, and my final days were intense. She’s a cool lady, and interestingly, we are both ESTJ. She was all surprised to learn I am an E. I’m full of surprises, woman. Don’t try to put me into a box! Haha.

I feel good about the systems I implemented and how I organized my files. The overlap period was helpful, and I have full confidence that everything will be fine. On Thursday, I had lunch with the Cool Club at the office. Who doesn’t enjoy a love fest? Then on Friday morning, my boss organized an office-wide goodbye breakfast. That was really thoughtful and nice too. I said a few words, cried a few tears, etc. Of course, the interim AVP was in the office but didn’t join, which I’m actually glad about bc my words of gratitude didn’t apply to her anyway! I definitely didn’t make the same strong connections here like I did at the previous workplace (in part, bc I was only here 15 months instead of 6 years), but there are still a lot of good people, and it pisses me off when they are mistreated and disrespected.

In the afternoon, I had my exit interview with HR. In typical Vix fashion, I had a lot to say. I tried my best to come across thoughtful (rather than spiteful), intelligent, and compelling. I only met with the HR analyst for 30 min, but she acknowledged that I had put a lot of time into my feedback. I gave her a verbal summary, and she said up until now, she hadn’t heard a thing about our department. She said my charges sounded quite serious, and she would read my file more closely and escalate to the head of HR.  But she also said that right now, it was still just one person’s viewpoint against another’s. I assured her that my sentiments went beyond just me, but I understood her position. Unless people go forward, I’m just one person who perhaps has a beef with another. I suggested a 360 review to ask the staff about their thoughts on the recent leadership changes, and she seemed receptive. I hoped that she would understand the gravity of the situation, as I was departing NOW without another job and without obtaining my retirement benefit at the 2-yr mark. She said that spoke volumes, and she promised me she would spend the time to look into this.

As I drove home, I was overcome by emotion. Despite my defiance in taking such a strong stance, there is a part of me that understands there may be consequences to my radical honesty. My file will be read by my immediate boss and by the interim AVP, since she is my boss’ boss. Maybe she will contact me or approach me or blackball me among her very wide circle of influence. There was an incident in the office this last week where she physically approached my colleague who was asking questions and not backing down. This was during a department meeting, so witnessed by multiple people. I wasn’t there, but the act of her getting into my colleague’s face definitely touched off a storm in the office. To me, her move sounded like physical intimidation, so maybe it’s not completely outlandish that she would approach me somewhere and get in my face… 

And what if HR did in fact send out a 360 review? Would my coworkers actually take the time to be honest with their feedback? Or would I just end up looking like an unruly child, making unwarranted claims, coming across like someone with authority issues? After I got home, I climbed into bed. Why do assholes get away with this kind of behavior? Why do people not speak up and defend themselves? Why had I not even approached the AVP in person to give her a piece of my mind? Goddamn, maybe I hadn’t done enough or maybe what I had done was all out of order??

When John called, I said all these things, and he just kept telling me to let it go. I wrote what I had wanted to say and now the rest is out of my control. He said there was zero chance the AVP would contact me upon seeing my criticism. He also said he doubted anything would happen for the department. Institutions like that are systemically flawed. They don’t have the right people or mechanisms in place to enact real change and make things better.  His comments reminded me of a coworker who was so surprised that I had bothered to write any real feedback in my exit form. He too said he had zero faith that any of the effort would result in anything.

This is what I mean when I say that I’m just dumb, naive, and unfit for this life. Why do these people understand so easily that this is sometimes how the world works: You have asshole bosses and they get away with shit, and you either accept that or you leave. If you leave, you save yourself and you remove yourself from the bad situation. 

People who stay have their reasons. Clearly, the situation is tolerable for them. It’s not anyone’s job to try and change the environment for people who are ok with it. That same coworker wrote me an email after I got home that said I cared too much and I worked too hard. And then I just felt sad, disappointed, defeated, unsophisticated, and flawed. I went to bed.

The next day, I felt better knowing that no matter what, I didn’t have to return to that place come Monday. I wouldn’t have to be pushed and angered on a daily basis anymore. And I realized that my naïveté was probably what gave me the determination to walk away from this toxic place, to resume a search in the face of uncertainty. So just as my college roommate spent 20+ years finding her spouse, I am spending more time and energy towards finding my workplace “match.” And ultimately, I know I am blessed to exercise choice.

Winding it Down

Even though my resignation was a LOOOONG time coming and I stayed on quite a bit longer than I had wanted (partly at the request of my manager), I’m sure that from the AVP’s perspective, I pulled a dick move by announcing and then giving just two weeks’ notice. The new website launches in mid-Jan, and even though I’m not a part of the web team, the project is a big deal for the department. Yeah, I know, that is still not that compelling of an argument… Except that the AVP had the bright idea to do a big marketing push for the site launch. I have a few thoughts on the matter: given that the project is already up to the wire, it makes more sense I think to do a soft launch and then insert all the fanfare after the kinks and oddities are worked out. In other words, who the fuck REALLY cares about a new uni site? Do people really want to hear about it repeatedly in some kind of blasted campaign? Doubt it. But whatever, I’m not empowered to make those calls, so the AVP gets what the AVP wants. And she wants to toot this horn. Fine. 

Bc dad is in town, I took off this week, Tue-Friday. The AVP was told this bc my resignation date factored in those days. So what happens? I work from home this morning; I meet with my temp/replacement this afternoon offsite; and then the AVP emails me asking for the social media plan for this stupid website launch. Like I said before, take, take, take. And shame on me for doing work on my “day off.” This is how loyalty (to my immediate supervisor) screws me. Whatever, I’ll be outta that shithole soon enough, thank goodness.

Damn It Feels Good

I know it’s the new year and I need to look forward more than look backward, but heck, I need substance for my blog posts! No seriously, reflecting back reminds me of my latest progress!

So, let’s take it back to “Doomsday December” and/or “Disappointing December.” The week before Christmas, the interim AVP finally cleared the “high ambiguity” office air regarding working over the holiday break. For the whole month prior, she had been threatening to make us work during the break. Finally, she said she was NOT going to require non-website staff to work. Oh my, how generous and gracious of you!! Instead, she asked us to consider volunteering to help copyedit various sections of the new website, set to launch in mid January.

First off, the inter-holiday break is an annual thing. People actually travel far away and book flights in advance for that shit; you can’t just wait until the very last-minute to tell us yes or no the week before. Way to be a planner AND way to be considerate. As for the volunteering, yes, I’m a dumb ass sucker so I offered to help copyedit. Nevermind that I repeatedly give the institution extra hours from being a stupid workaholic. For some reason, at the time, I empathized with the web staff: I remembered how stressed I used to be near launch deadlines for new web features/tools… The very next day, we volunteers received an email containing the assignments. Only a handful of people were dumb enough to volunteer, and most people got 1-3 sections. Granted, some sections were massive units, like the School of Engineering or School of Business, with TONS of pages. Me? I got assigned 10 sections, the most sections out of anyone. Maybe the same number of pages? Still. WTF? The lesson here? You give an inch; they take a yard. Whatever. I considered it escape from my family (a la Taiwan).

The next day, my manager came into my office with “feedback” from the interim AVP’s recent Trustees’ meeting. Earlier in December, a bunch of teams in the department scrambled like crazy assembling data and metrics for fancy charts she wanted. She purported that these data compilations were aimed to demonstrate just how much work the department cranks out with very limited resources. She said this would strengthen her case for more staff and more resources. But here’s the thing: Our department produces a shit ton of deliverables. By quantifying all of it, aren’t you just showing the execs how much juice they can squeeze out of these lemons? If the institution is paying, say $2 for a shit ton of productivity, showing the higher-ups all that they are getting for that value is NOT going to make them want to pay $10, unless they get 5x the amount of work. You’re better off arguing for more staff and resources by pointing to HR records, showing them that 10 people out of a department of 25 have left in the last 15 months. Hello, maybe we need to better compensate our staff, or reduce the demands and expectations. Hmm, maybe that’s a compelling argument!

Whatever, she insisted on her pet project, so we busted ass to generate all the damn charts. The next day, she emailed a big thank you and “you guys rock.” Blah, blah, fake gratitude. A few days later, my manager was in my office with the marked-up copy of my social media dashboard. This comment was written on it: “Data is too rudimentary. Information does not reflect best practices.” Uh, what???

The original bare-bones instructions I received from the AVP? All the data had to fit on ONE sheet. So, I picked key metrics I thought were helpful. I asked other social media managers. I poured through sample metrics reports to see what others typically reported. I looked at what other schools reported. I ran the parameters by the AVP, and she approved them. Turns out, the data isn’t what the Board wants. What then do they want? I asked my boss, who in turn went to ask the interim AVP. Down the hall, I heard some raised voices and a few minutes later, my boss returned saying, “She says for us to figure it out.” Wow, thanks for the feedback. I mean, I wasn’t at the meeting but the AVP was. Thanks for sharing what you observed.

Later that day, two coworkers at my table during the Christmas party started talking about a heated exchange they witnessed that morning between the AVP and my boss. The AVP was in a hurry, walking to the kitchen. My boss was trying to ask her something alongside. She asked and the response was, “She needs to do her fucking research!! I am not an encyclopedia!” Upon hearing this, I immediately put two and two together. Is she for real??? Did my boss seek more specific feedback for the social media dashboard, and was this how the AVP reacted? Who the fuck is this person???

I was livid. After I got home from the party, I relayed what I’d learned to K. She insisted that the conversation couldn’t possibly be about me. I texted the other coworker to confirm the dialog he had heard outside the kitchen. He suggested that maybe it was about someone else, or perhaps my boss just caught the AVP at the wrong time. Sure, it’s possible they were talking about someone else, but given the timing and how exasperated my boss looked after she returned to my office saying to “figure it out,” the chain of events seemed highly plausible. So I was pissed. Enraged. On one hand, why did it matter? I have never claimed to be an expert, and I don’t care about people recognizing me as such. Especially with social media, I’m a work in progress, learning new things along the way. But dang, that attitude just grinds my nerves, rearing its ugly ass head over and over again. She doesn’t thank people for their effort, for their hard work, for accommodating her requests, no matter how ridiculous or last-minute. She preaches a bunch of leadership/change agent buzzwords, and then when you ask for clarification or more information bc you want to learn or understand more, she says “this is a high-ambiguity environment so get used to it” and clearly, can’t even be bothered. But when she asks you questions in front of the group after every department meeting, “how do you feel?”, you aren’t allowed to deflect. I’ve also noticed this: if you do your own research to produce something she wants (for example, a strategy, plan, or report), your independent research doesn’t count unless you reference a book, article, or website that she specifically endorses. Only her recommendations are “best practices.” All others are amateur. So whatdya know, now we’re into January and another dashboard is due. Since she couldn’t be bothered to give me constructive feedback, she’s gonna get an exact repeat of last month’s format. If she doesn’t like it, she can go fly a fucking kite. Yeah, bite me. That was the incident before break.

As it turned out, during the break, J and I were worked to nubs by our families day in and day out, dealing with the chores and cleanouts and visits. After I returned from Maryland, I started attacking the website edits. Holy fuck, the writing for some of these sections is appalling– yet another example of the university skimping on hiring/compensating for experienced/skilled people for these comm jobs. Long story short, I contributed over eight hours on edits for three sections, plus additional hours for my usual social media crap. Then, after the new year on Sunday, we received yet another email (on top of the one on Christmas Day and others throughout the break, containing shit to read and stuff to do). It basically read like this: You volunteered to copyedit these webpages. I need to report on the status of these pages at my staff meeting tomorrow, and the spreadsheet needs to be updated. Come to the meeting prepared.

Uh, say what?? Happy new year to you too, beotch! Yes, thank you so much for volunteering your personal time off at ZERO COMPENSATION to help with the web project. You were only given two sentences of guidance/direction on what needed to be done, but heck, fill out the goddamn spreadsheet and be prepared for a meeting I’ve never mentioned before ever!

Jesus fucking Christ. Consistently tactless. Why am I even surprised by these astonishingly tone-deaf communications?!? It’s a new standard.

A few hours later, I submitted my resignation letter. Dad’s coming to town: Surprise! I’m taking most of next week off, so last day is January 22. Buh bye, ingrate!

On hearing my news, a former coworker sent me a link to this classic:

Dropping the Mother Load

On December 1, I informed my boss that I wanted to start transitioning out. Yup, after trying to force a connection that’s been missing since the very beginning, I finally had the guts to hit eject. For me, there are so many factors that come into play when assessing a job, but ultimately, what made this move so damn difficult was my sense of duty/responsibility AND my loyalty to relationships, in this case, my boss. Sure, like all of us, she has her flaws and quirks but in the end, she supported me and championed my work. For someone who chronically feels “not good enough,” her opinion of my job performance means something. Interestingly, it doesn’t erase my own assessment of how I could be better or how someone else might do this job better, but that’s a different issue.

Anyway, she immediately tried to offer alternatives: part-time work, project specific consultancy, etc. I told her I didn’t have anything lined up, and I wasn’t leaving tomorrow or anything, but I wanted her to know this was where the path was leading. Yes, there was some crying involved. Fuck man, I dunno why I treat such things with so much goddamn gravity. Ridic. That said, as soon as I told her, I felt so much lighter. It’s that damn radical honesty: when I have to keep things secret, it requires tremendous energy. I’m so much more at ease after I can just tell all. Haha. Our meeting concluded with this: you consider whether there’s any capacity where you might continue to work here, and let me know.

After I got home, Bubs and I ran through the scenarios. Part-time was nixed almost immediately. As it is, I can’t seem to limit myself to 40 hrs/wk, so part-time would most likely end up being me working full-time at half-time pay. As for the consultant opps, the big project coming up is the 24-hr day of giving. Having worked that massive project last year, I’m not impressed with the team nor the university’s continual insistence on cheaping out (without downgrading their expectations). Since last year’s campaign, we’ve had multiple meetings for this year’s event, and despite the university expressing SOME interest in new tools, it seems the decision makers are leaning cheap and conservative this year yet again. No thank you.

The strongest impetus for leaving is my strong distaste for the current interim AVP. Yes, I have a history of becoming disillusioned with leaders. Leadership is something I require, and even though my track record is shitty (asshole managers and execs are everywhere!), I know good ones are out there. I can’t even begin to express how disappointed I am with the current situation. I wrote about it before, where she came in via a very sketchy, conflict-of-interest scenario. She immediately proposed a drastic plan to whip our department into shape. We all knew the department was dysfunctional and messed up. But her approach and more than that, her attitude… I don’t want to go into all the details here, but basically, she comes in, shows no appreciation for what has been accomplished (in spite of the dysfunction and lack of resources), insists on throwing around buzzwords that she can’t seem to adequately explain, drags ass implementing the changes, and then does a half-ass job in executing the vague plan, blaming executive indecision and lack of resources all along the way. Sure, maybe she took on the job not expecting so may problems and roadblocks. Fine, but the answer isn’t to just continue plowing through, answering people’s concerns with “this is a high ambiguity situation, and it will be like that for a while.” People are ok with change if you earn their confidence, create incentives, and/or if you show them a timeline and a path. When pressed for a timeline, no answer. When she talks about the department ultimately reaching its peak performance status though, the words that emerge are “years.” Here’s the thing: your pay is shit, your org is highly dysfunctional, your leaders are hypocritical and uninspiring, and now you are demanding major structural change plus new work in addition to the existing massive pile of responsibilities? Hello, Change Management 101: what is the employees’ incentive to put up with all this? Throughout the whole process, she keeps touting her high tech background, saying she’s running this place like a tech startup– with “best practices.” Uh, do you have any concept of where the fuck you are? Startups offer cool culture, opportunities for advancement, reward for strong performance, and the chance for a payout. Please. Know your client; know your audience.

The thing is, in the beginning, I wanted to like this woman. While rumors swirled that she was being brought in to oust our AVP, I thought those people were just overreacting and being paranoid. To our one-on-one meeting, I came with an open mind and with honest answers. She hardly even paid attention to my responses to her questions. I thought maybe she had had a long day and was just tired.

The sad truth is, a woman in leadership is such a goddamn rarity. So when I see it, I want it to succeed. But I’m not about to be used and abused and disrespected. She’s not even sincere about anything she says. Whatever. Ultimately, her tactic of dangling a “you get to keep your job” over our heads just isn’t going to work for me. Fuck you. I am someone who, as a preteen, chose welts and bruises and lashings with a leather belt over a simple verbal apology to my mother. If I feel you’re in the wrong, you won’t get an apology out of me. In some cases with people I love, I make exceptions, but I don’t dole that shit out like hot cakes. I would rather work at See’s Candies and sell most of my creature comforts than be handcuffed to a shitty job dictated by someone I strongly dislike. Yeah, I actually value my freedom to choose where I work and how I spend my time. So, I’m out. And yes, that message is also accompanied by a hand gesture or two. Like I said, defiance with a capital daddy-fuckin’ (why do we always say “mother-fucking”) D.

Eternal Misfit

I was thinking the other day about how my whole life can be summed up in one term: misfit. I mean, how many times do I use “my parents are immigrants” as a way to explain my eccentricities? If you think about it though, being American-born Chinese really has put me in this odd space. For example, growing up in Frederick, there were less than 10 Asians in my high school (close to 1000 students?). I was always harassed for being Asian, small, and scrawny. People made fun of my parents. People bullied me. Then whenever I went back to Taiwan as a child, I never fit in there either: my skin was too tanned; I was too big-boned compared to my cousins; I didn’t speak the Taiwanese dialect; my Mandarin was too basic or whatever; I was too unruly and defiant. When I went to Duke, there were more Asians but I was the underachieving one with my mediocre grades. In Shanghai, my “yellow face” prevented me from getting teaching jobs despite my training and experience. My relatives there described my Mandarin as elementary or awkward. When they heard me speak English, they insisted that my American accent wasn’t the same as John’s. Meanwhile J would say a few words in Mandarin and suddenly, he was super advanced. 

Now, in Silicon Valley, I’m either the “soft” engineer (civil) with the social skills at a tech startup, or I’m the comm person with the engineer’s social awkwardness at the non-tech workplace. Everywhere I turn, there is some part of me that isn’t quite right. I think of my friend J who grew up moving to a different state every two years. She has incredible awareness and social/emotional intelligence. She credits her ability to read people and adapt quickly to this upbringing. I suppose I can credit my resiliency to my history of being an eternal misfit. On good days, I think I’m pretty adaptable: I have a high tolerance for discomfort, and I’m not afraid to push myself despite the natural fears of rejection or exclusion. But on my bad days, I feel tired. Tired of trying. Tired of pushing. Tired of not having the ease of being immediately accepted and welcomed. In these moments of self pity, I remind myself that these struggles are minor compared to “real” troubles people without privilege face. I try not to complain. So instead, I have days and maybe weeks where I feel overwhelmed by the constancy of being a lifelong misfit. I wonder what is wrong with me. Why are certain conditions so absolutely unbearable for me while for others, it’s simply no big deal.

Yesterday morning, I received an email from my Duke roommate. She is a successful, high ranking OB/GYN in the military. In the last two years, she met the love of her life, got married, bought a house, got a dog, had a kid… anyway, she was in town for a friend’s wedding and wanted to know if I was free for lunch. It had been a long time since we’d hung out one-on-one, and I was kind of looking forward to catching up. As we hit all the key topics, she asked about my job and I admitted that I hated it. She agreed that she thought social media was a weird fit for me, and then she made this comment like, “What job number is this for you?” I shrugged my shoulders and replied, “Everyone’s got a puzzle they’re trying to solve. Not everything lines up at the same time.” We went onto other topics and then her friend joined us. Then it was all about child-rearing and that person’s soap opera drama (seriously, she was dating her best friend’s soon-to-be-ex). On my drive home, I just kept replaying my friend’s comment. I get so disappointed when people say the most insensitive things. I’m a sarcastic person, so sure, I get that not everything is so goddamn literal, but fuck man, words also matter.

I mean, she was unlucky at love for almost 20 years: failed relationship after failed relationship. Did I EVER say to her, “what relationship number is this now?” When I was at Duke, I had nervous breakdowns bc of my grades. To make matters worse, I had my parents calling every damn week harassing me about my test scores, giving me advice on how to study harder or better… The transition from high school valedictorian with all my awards and extra-curriculars and Chinese school accomplishments to sub-par undergrad was a difficult period for me– a paralyzing culmination of expectation, pressure, privilege, and disappointment. I remember once when I didn’t agree with her strategy for taking classes just for the “easy A” as she described it, she said, “well, unlike you, I’m not trying to get the lowest GPA possible.” It’s weird bc I’ve always had so much loyalty for that friendship, and now reflecting on the last few encounters, I really don’t know why. To be honest, things have never really been the same since graduation, and maybe that’s my own damn naive fault. Through the years, she was awful at keeping in touch. I wasn’t even sure about going to her wedding in September 2014. Ultimately, I was glad I went bc I really wanted to celebrate her milestones, but maybe now I can just let things go. After my visit with her, I drove home, stepped in the door, and just started to cry.

J keeps saying that 2015 has been a shitty year for me. Aside from the work dissatisfaction, he always points to the shifts in my friendships as playing a key factor: the openspace people moving away, changing jobs, or retiring, G& J being in Seattle, J&J having a kid… I always rejected his theory. Then, over Thanksgiving, I felt like I couldn’t really have a conversation with J&J without them being distracted by the baby. And we’ve certainly seen less of them now that weekends get filled with playdates and kiddie camping trips. I don’t begrude them of cute lil’ H, but for some reason, I had an epiphany. 

A long time ago, I read an interesting essay about friendships: the article likened them to catalysts and enzymatic reactions. You need proximity, attraction (through common interests), and frequency. In the past, when I had lost touch with S from grad school, I chalked it up to just us not having things in common anymore, bc she was a housewife living in the South. She had had two kids and that life was exhausting, and we had fewer and fewer things in common. Maybe that’s what’s happening now. Slowly and esp bc the kids are in their needy years. I dunno.

J has suggested that we focus on getting more child-free friends AND maybe we need to move to the city where there is a higher concentration of like-minded people and things to do. The thing is, I rather like my Houseboat. But I also agree, life in suburbia is rather boring and everything is really centered around kids. This makes me think about my single friends. God, it must be so frustrating for them to hang around homebody couples!

Sigh, these are the things that keep me up late. Turns out, I don’t just need a job overhaul, I need to overhaul so many other areas: family, location, friends…  Now I’m suddenly tired and ready for bed!

Ostrich

So I’m in NYC this week for a digital marketing conference. My attitude at work has gotten dramatically worse in the last several weeks, exacerbated by the continued disorganization, shit communication, and crisis environment. Just like Arianna Huffington has spoken about our society’s glorification of busy, my workplace does something similar but instead, it’s glorifies urgency. Needless to say, my already low level of tolerance is wearing especially thin. Even my boss has mentioned a few times: come back from NY re-energized and optimistic.

In the last several days, she’s also dropped Asian parent guilt trips like, “My ass is on the line; can you help me?” I don’t think her fear is rational, but at the same time, when someone you know acts like the sky is falling, it’s hard to stand by and not get involved. It’s frustrating as hell trying to manage my own emotional and mental stability when I’m exposed to this level of anxiety and neuroses every day. It triggers certain aspects of my childhood. Anyway, it’s a daily struggle trying to maintain my own sense of self within the chaos–warranted or not.

So Monday night, I hit the eject button and flew out of my current enironment: hitched that red-eye into NYC. I made the mistake of eating some chocolate early on in the flight, so I didn’t conk out as usual. Tuesday morning, I did the public transit trek into the city: about 90 min on the train/subway. On the ride in, I was reminded by the weary looks on everybody’s faces about life– the drudgery of the day in and day out.

I arrived at the hotel early, like before 10a. I figured, I would just drop off my shit at the front desk and then explore. Well, I was plesantly surprised, bc they gave me a room that early. HIE is an old standard for us: affordable and clean. Sometimes a step up, but usually basic. After unpacking and such, I headed out. I went south to the WTC, got lost a gabillion times, took in some interesting odors throughout. It’s nice to be in a bustling place.

I had searched for pizza for lunch, but apparently, the Financial District was not the spot. Then, I had trouble getting my way OUT of Fidi, so I ended up eating lunch at a Thai place near the hotel. Phenomenal. And bc I was so damn hungry, I ordered a papaya salad AFTER my noodles. I asked for medium, and holy shit. Let’s just say, I was blowing my nose like crazy and my mouth, lips, everything burned so badly, I got a bumpy on my lip. This is how you do the Kylie Jenner lips. Holy. fuck. Note to self: medium is super spicy.

After that, I headed back to my room to rest. At 5, I went out to Times Square to get same-day tickets for Fun Home, a drama on Broadway. So good. I mean, heavy shit about family dysfunction and what happens when you deny your true identify to be what other people expect you to be… it was sad, poignant, and yet had really great moments of humor. Broadway, man. That is some real caliber acting. Fuck, man. And the play: it was a capsule of life, with all its complexities– some of it perhaps artificially created and exacerbated by our own shit choices.

On my walk home, I thought about how most people really do have good intentions. But there are demons, sicknesses. I think about people whose actions I judge. Celebrities and ordinary people. It’s easy for me to say, people should be accountable for their decisions. But did I grow up with a father who was a drug addict? Was I physically abused as a child? Did I witness domestic violence? I have led a very sheltered and sanitzied life that in many ways, gave me more choices or perhaps choices offering more freedom than others. I think about how my shitty job has made me cranky or angry or rebellious. In so many ways, I have been acting out bc I’m unhappy about my job and perhaps about where I am in my life. My circumstance is simply a shitty job. Let’s be real: there are worse jobs out there. I’ve HAD worse jobs. I guess the play yesterday somehow reminded me that in spite of my latest “woes,” I really am so damn lucky. Sure, I can want better, but I need to get my head out of my fucking ass. Not that I am completely dismissing my issues, but there are some real, serious,heavy problems out there in the world. I need to get some goddamn perspective, for fuck’s sake.

Shutting Down

Is it just me, or do other people fantasize about going “Office Space” at their workplace? I swear to god, that is my biggest life fantasy: just going into the office one day, flipping the desk over, and saying, “I’m out.” I’m telling you, this defiance inside me runs so damn deep! It’s always interesting, bc while I was always very law-abiding and rule-following as a kid in school or as an adult in the workplace, at home, I was consistently an unruly fucking mess. I was always talking back and cussing at my parents and grandparents. Dad would punish me by whipping me with a leather belt, and I still refused to shut the fuck up. I suppose few things have changed as an adult. At home, I call J out on his shit in ways that fall more on the radical honesty/blunt side rather than the high EQ side. I dunno: I guess I have issues with authority? Or I just don’t like being told what to do.

Needless to say, this past week was super rough at work. Not only was my bud K out of the office attending a conference (er, frolicking in the plantations of New Orleans with her beau), but it just seemed like more of the same. Daily drama and crisis management for nothing that is truly of importance. The AVP was in for a few days, out the rest. No one knows her schedule. Meanwhile, the anxiety and neurosis of my boss just keeps building. I’m so over this bullshit. At work, I was starting to get that bubbling rage feeling again, where every little thing just ticks me off. Bubbey had to have multiple talks with me throughout the week about losing sight of my self-care and allowing myself to fall into this awful zone. I know better. I have been through this drill before, and yet, mentally I just keep running around in circles. I remember once when my friend M shared a story: she hated her job and every day, the anxiety and unhappiness just kept getting worse and worse. Finally, one day her father told her not to worry so much. He would help her if things got bad. And just like that, knowing she had an out gave her comfort.

I know I have an out. Our house in Reston in under contract, and so far, it’s on track to close on November 5. But again, I’ve always struggled with my privilege. And to think that my parents will stress and judge and I dunno: it’s just a ton of baggage. That’s the confusing thing about me. I have a track record of doing what I want, of not aligning exactly with my parents, and yet their disappointment still gets to me. In some fucked up way, their approval matters. Ugh. Almost 40 and still dealing with this kind of bullshit. Frustrates the life out of me. I want to be courageous, and yet I never feel I’m quite ready.

I was on the phone with my father today. The misery continues, and my mother is also struggling with the daily care of my grandparents in Taiwan. I don’t know why they don’t hire help. It’s as if they insist on the struggle even if they have the resources to ease the burden. Sound familiar? God, I CANNOT turn into my parents. If there is a single fucking life lesson that I learn, it has to be leaving behind the Chinese cultural obsession with hardship and struggle.  Last week after seeing me in my state, J talked to me about leaving. I felt some relief possibly similar to my friend when her father showed her an out. And then, I imagined going to Taiwan in November and again being subjected to all the usual crap: my unnaturalness for not bearing children, my unreasonable intolerance for authority both at home and at work, my defiance and direct role in making my parents unhappy, blah, blah, blah.

Interestingly, I  had a conversation with my boss this past week. She’s an immigrant, and she made some comment like, if parents say something you disagree with, just ignore what they say. My father has said this multiple times: just listen and then do what you want. If ONLY if were that easy. Instead, why don’t you (the parent) just not voice your concern and stop judging the decisions of your adult child? I’ve never really considered myself to be prone to guilt, but I’m realizing that I am prone to accountability and responsibility and so indirectly, that makes me susceptible to guilt with my family.

Well I suppose the good news is that, I came down from the ledge. Every now and then, flexing whatever minimal bit of tolerance/patience I have is probably a good exercise. Tomorrow, another week begins. J has advised that I not take my work so seriously. I know I hate it; I don’t want to continue in this vein of social media, so step back. Again, not easy bc I’m a fucking obsessive maniac. But I’ll try again tomorrow. And then in the evening, I’m hopping on the red-eye to NYC. Honestly, I’m not that stoked about the conference (bad attitude and all), but I am excited to be out of the office. I reached out to a childhood friend who I thought was living in NYC, but no reply. She’s always been super flaky. Too bad. Then again, J reminded me that you just never know what challenges other people are facing. Sometimes, there’s a lot of shame. Uh, tell me about it! Oh well, it’ll be great to reconnect with my college bud J up in Boston after the conference and through the weekend. Incidentally, my father warned me tonight not leave the hotel room after dark. He’s been watching Law and Order. Jesus Christ. I’m hoping to catch a theater show one of the evenings though. I haven’t been to the theater in so fucking long, and I think it’ll be good for me.

Filial Piety

Fuck man, I am on a short fuse again these days. Every week, I’m being asked to prepare status updates plus participate in department brainstorming sessions. It’s not that I’m opposed to trying new things; rather, I’m opposed to adopting new procedures that aren’t clearly explained. Seriously, we’ve had maybe 5 of these brainstorming dumps, and every single time, the same issues come up: once we come up with the ideas, where are they expected to go and who is responsible for crafting the info into stories. Every week people express confusion, and yet another week passes with no further explanation.

As for my status updates, if it were just a list of things I accomplished or projects I’m working on, no big deal. But we’re specifically asked what items weren’t done, for whom, and why. What things do you need help with? What barriers are holding you back? Ok, if you’re going to ask me and I’m going to give you feedback, please be prepared to DO SOMETHING with the feedback; otherwise, don’t bother me with these additional tasks that offer zero follow through.

Today, my team had a meeting. Even before all the recent office drama, the women on my team have very strong attitudes. Typically, I consider that a good thing, but ugh. Something about the way these ladies communicate: it really rubs me the wrong way. Meanwhile, the boss keeps acting like what minimal info she shares with us is super confidential. Puhlease. Stop telling me to keep everything secret. You aren’t sharing info of value anyway. Seriously, come back when you actually have substantive details rather than bullshit fluff.

Some days, I really struggle with this place and the people. On the surface, strong women. Check. Supportive boss. Check. But fuck man, you scratch just a mil below and shit, I do not like what I see. Of course, this whole time Bubbey has been warning me about my track record– my history of abruptly losing respect or interest or motivation at a job after “leadership” disappoints me. Yes, what can I say, I thrive on the human connection: it inspires and motivates me. I understand that people are flawed and imperfect, but I suppose at the core, I need to feel like the people are good in their hearts and they have character and integrity. I think the people have major chips on their shoulders, and then on top of that, they have insecurities that make them super obsessed about getting credit and recognition for their “expertise.” It really is such a bunch of self-aggrandizing crap.

Another one of my frustrations is that my boss regularly triggers an automatic, defiant response bc she behaves in a manner that reminds me a lot of my parents, with their paranoid “everyone is out to get you” mentality. The stance of being territorial and competitive and not collaborative is super negative and exhausting. Obviously, I’m not exactly a ray of sunshine myself. I know I have my own bad attitude, but shit, I’m selective where I apply it. Across campus,  I’m still open to working together, and honestly, even though I define myself very strongly by my work, I don’t feel super compelled to receive recognition or credit or hype bc frankly, there is no concrete reward. So person A thinking I’m a rockstar doesn’t really do much for me right now bc 1) I really don’t care about my current work, meaning it’s not something that gives me pride 2) Show me the money. Seriously. Talk is cheap. Do better.

Interestingly, when the new AVP holds department meetings, she’s all about going around the room afterwards, asking people to share their feelings. While I was initially impressed with this approach, I quickly realized that it’s just lip service. Opening up and sharing your qualms only reveals a vulnerability. There is no action taken to mitigate your concerns. In fact, when my boss called a team meeting this morning, she did the same thing, soliciting our thoughts. I expressed again my frustration with being told to do this and that on some kind of urgent timeline and then receiving zero feedback. Granted, it’s not as if my boss has any more insight into what the fuck is going on, but basically, she told me, “Learn to be comfortable with uncertainty.” Are you joking me? What kind of leniency or patience would the organization ever afford its staff? Fuck. Off. I already do a lot with my self-desensitization programs. This is not a goddamn personal or professional development exercise for me. Either take your big shit or get off the pot, as my friend T likes to say. I mean, my boss asked us to give it six months so we could determine our paths on our own timeline. Well, my timeline is way more accelerated than six months. I have seen a lot in 2015, and I want to have better reasons for how/where I’m spending my time.

Speaking of which, I recently booked my tickets for Taiwan in November. Few people understand this, but going to Taiwan is not a vacation by any stretch of the imagination. And now bc of the whole housing debacle with my maternal grandparents, my mom and her parents are in Taiwan while my father is back in Maryland. Dad insists he’s fine and independent and self-sufficient (sound familiar?) but fuck man, he doesn’t have a NuWave or pressure cooker! I was hemming and hawing about Taiwan, and then thinking about the age of my grandparents, I decided I had to go sooner than later. Of course I called my mother over the weekend, and we talked about my grandparents’ townhouse in MD that is still on hold bc grandpa and grandma can’t agree on next steps. My mother frustrates me to no end, bc she’s just not rational. She seriously knows NOTHING about real estate, and yet she spews all this nonsensical garbage as if she knows more than the realtor or myself– and I’ve actually been handling our townhouse rental (and now it’s pending sale). Ugh. I just get into a rage trying to communicate with someone who is so utterly clueless! I felt myself getting really pissy on the phone, and as soon as I got off the phone, I was kicking myself for scheduling 7 days overseas. Way too damn long to be in the presence of idiocy. I know it’s not nice or classy or whatever to talk shit about your mother. What can I say: radical honesty is a beotch and a half. Plus, I’m not going to feign a good relationship where there is none. Fuck that shit. This ain’t the Brady Bunch.

Clearing the Clutter

I’m finally trying to tackle all the clutter– both mental clutter and physical clutter. Thanks to the recent renewed vigor for my Bubbey bucks program, unused items are finally making their way off our tiny Houseboat. That said, the process has still been slow as fuck, bc well, the environmental engineering side of me just gets too damn involved. I know, it’s my own fucking fault that decluttering is ridiculously cumbersome and tedious.

For example, a while back, our first pressure cooker (7 yrs old) busted with the plastic regulator cracking to bits. Rather than just chucking that thing into the dumpster, I tried desperately to find a replacement part so that I could salvage the appliance. In the end, after a couple hours of online research plus a failed purchase on Amazon, I realized that my only real option was to buy a new one. Fine, the new pressure cooker arrived and immediately, I put it to work cooking Marty’s food. Still though, I kept the old unit thinking maybe I just needed to spend some more time or talk to the right people (my engineering friends who order machine parts all the time) to make the old one functional again. Next thing I know, weeks fly by with the damn thing sitting in the garage. Eventually, I talked to my EE/manufacturing bud, and he said the same thing happened to his family. The only solution was to trash the old one and buy a new one. Ugh, fine. So then, I decided I would recycle the old one. It sat around the garage some more as I gathered my e-waste. By the time I organized a batch for Green Citizen, I learned that the shop now charges by the pound to recycle e-waste! WTF?!? $7 to recycle that ONE heavy-ass thing! Ugh. Yes, I could have just set it out with my household garbage, but then it wouldn’t get recycled. Fine, take the damn $7. Not a huge sum, but certainly, if I have a lot of electronics, it adds up. I’ve been brainstorming alternatives ever since.

Thankfully, I discovered that my school has a pretty robust recycling program for e-waste and other off-beat items like plastic wrap, candy wrappers, makeup containers, and old shoes. Good to know. Of course, having this stream doesn’t reduce the collecting of junk, but since I go to work M-F, I guess I don’t have to let the stuff sit on the Housebat: I can just take what I have everyday! Don’t ask me what all is in my car’s trunk right now.

This past weekend, we resumed our garage makeover. Last summer, J and I had cleaned out the garage somewhat and J demoed the paneling and shelving inside. This past weekend, we got an electrician/contractor to re-wire the place and next we’re planning to have someone insulate and drywall. At the start of all this, we had expected the process to take just a few weeks. Sadly, shit happened: J got tore his calf muscle, he traveled home with S, and then he started a new job in SF. And to come clean, bc of my issues, I was really of very little help. I helped go through the garage junk a bit (via recycling and freecycle), but I didn’t do squat with the demo or electrical permitting process. The good news is, the two electricians worked all day yesterday, and the garage is totally emptied out (who knew a single-car garage had so much damn space!). With the initial wiring done, this week we’re hoping to have the city inspector come and then afterwards, on to insulating and dry walling! J had started researching some storage cabinets, counters, and lighting options, but this weekend we decided to call in an organizer. Yup, we’re at the point now where it’s more important to get shit done than to do everything completely dirt cheap and DIY. And for once, I’m working my network to find recommended peeps. Although the services are more expensive than DIY, they’re still way cheaper than the regular market. Electrician, drywaller, and organizer. We’ll see how it all pans out. We just don’t have the energy or time anymore to drag through everything. I suspect this change in mindset comes with nearing 40. I need to simplify my life, for reals.

What else. Last weekend, I worked a shit ton of hours for the university’s alumni reunion weekend. Ugh, the amount of cheerleading and chipper content that is required!! I kept reminding myself, “I am not my audience,” but still, this school spirit bullshit is insufferable. And of course, the added irony is that I was so glad to leave the event planning/organizing duties of my last job with its annual volunteer events and staff events and public celebrations. Fuck man. As life would have it, now every big event at the uni spans multiple days and is several times larger. Wtf did I do?? In the very least, this year’s reunion event is behind me now. Next up? The new AVP is sending me to NYC later this month for a 2-day conference on content marketing. My boss was so excited for me: she acted like I was getting sent on a vacation or something. Uh, last I checked, every time I’m off attending a conference (be it for work or for myself), I get inundated with email assignments and requests throughout the day. In other words, going to a conference doesn’t replace the tasks at the office; instead, attending just gets stacked on top of all usual day-to-day crap, so sorry, I’m not floating on air about it. Whatever though. The conference itself is rather short, and afterwards, I’m riding Megabus up to Boston to spend a few days with my college bud J. I am in need of a serious vacation. My bud K raised her eyebrows on learning that I was staying with J at his apartment (uh, do you seriously expect me to pay out of pocket for a Boston hotel?), but like I’ve explained: our friendship is purely platonic, and it’s all good. Frankly, this behavior is nothing new. He stayed in my hotel room when I was attending a conference in Miami. Been there, done that. Gotta trust, lady.