Category Archives: Vanity

April Rebirth

This month I’m finally starting to feel renewed. Last Friday, my father got the results of his MRI. Thankfully, no tumors/growths appeared on the scans, and the neurologist says his gray-to-white matter ratio looks good, esp considering his age. Phew, what a relief! Of course, dad is still having symptoms of dizziness but for some reason, things don’t seem quite as dire. The doctor suggested that his symptoms might be triggered by lots of stress paired with too many long-haul flights that could muck up the body’s ability to rebalance and adjust to changes and pressure. Maybe that’s feasible.

Dad also reported that the settlement check went through, so no funny business there. Next, he’s going to get in touch with the real estate agent I found (on a referral from our Virginia agent) and talk to him about selling one of his rental townhouses. Hopefully, the ball is finally starting a roll towards true downsizing.

As for me, my dermaroller device didn’t arrive Saturday morning as I had expected. Major bummer. Even so, J and I had a nice weekend: we basically just ran errands and hung out with each other. It was nice. The gardeners were over again all day moving the watering system, setting pavers, and planting my new plants. We modified the step stones (again), so that required yet another change to the plantings. Another trip to the nursery and holy crap, Saturday was apparently THE day to hit up the nursery. Summer Winds was fricking mobbed! My peeps made great progress though, and I believe Operation Front Yard will be totally done with just one more Saturday. Yippee!!! Can’t wait.

In other news, I had a major scare last week regarding our London hotel booking. I’m always scouring multiple sites to price compare (Duh!), so when I looked in my Priceline and Booking.com mobile apps and saw that both listed a reservation for our hotel in London, I started freaking out, esp bc I had JUST passed the free cancellation mark to, meaning the lodging is prepaid and non refundable. Shiit! The thing is, I didn’t know Priceline and Booking.com are affiliated sites, so I thought maybe somehow I had accidentally made TWO separate bookings for the same exact dates. Holy fuck, I nearly had a heart attack. I called the hotel and thank god the front desk said there was only ONE reservation for my name. Then, when I looked more closely on my Priceline confirmation, it listed a Booking.com confirmation, suggesting the same reservation was just cross listed in both sites/apps. Jesus Christ. How the hell was I supposed to know?

On Sunday, after many weeks of procrastinating, I finally bit the bullet and booked a pair of tickets to Les Miserables at the Queen’s Theatre in London. I had been hemming and hawing bc of the cost and also just bc the play is always so emotionally draining… But seeing it in London IS on my bucket list. And the reviews were universally phenomenal. Bubbey reminded me that he didn’t want to go all that way, only to have the shows sold out or with shitty seats. Good point. I got them babies booked. Now I’m super excited about it again.

My dermaroller finally arrived today. This afternoon I started getting nervous about doing the deed… The instructions say not to wear makeup the day of rolling. Well, I had already met with two contractors for our HVAC estimates and I already have plans for tomorrow, so time to get ‘er done! Overall impressions? You can definitely feel the needles. All was fine until I applied a little more pressure and then I drew some blood. My face got really red, like sunburned red. Of course, as soon as I was done, my neighbors came over to walk the dog. I swear my neighbors are probably wondering what the fuck is wrong with my face… I either have zit cream on in public, or my skin is fucking flamming red. What can I say: the price of keeping my acne shit under control, man. I’m eager to see how my skin looks tomorrow. I’m pretty much bracing for another game-changing product. 🙂 No pressure, right?

For the Love of Research

OMFG, I have been in killer research mode. I mean, I know I’m kinda perpetually in research mode bc I’m curious about so many freaking things but lately, the intensity has seriously been elevated. First things first: my vanity. Yeah, disappointed by the ortho visit, I looked into the cosmetic densistry/veneers/bonding route. Turns out the veneers dentist I found is on vacation until next week. So while I wait, I returned to the face research. I was going back and forth via email with one skin clinic doctor, but getting info (esp on basics, like cost of the consult and cost of typical treatment) was like pulling teeth. I know a lot of skin lasering shit is elective and not covered by insurance, but I still need to know how much shit costs before going down the path. Like, who says there is a consult fee and then doesn’t tell you what it is?

Late last night, as Marty was having another restless bout (maybe bc he didn’t get an evening walk… also the Tranquility tincture wasn’t working), just for kicks I thought I’d revisit my old school forums over at acne.org– you know, read their comments about treatments for scarring. Back in the day when my face was a monstrous mess, I combed every square inch of that website. Returning and seeing all the pictures made me feel so sad, bc my god, acne can be so damn traumatizing. To my surprise, there was an entire thread on laser resurfacing… There are different kinds but most people said it made the scarring WORSE, and shit, story after story, people blew thousands and said the lasering like went way beyond just smoothing their surface but changed their face to the point of them not even recognizing their own face in the mirror. WTF??? Like Jennifer Grey shit? Oh fuck no. As I read through the posts, I learned that my scars are actually called ice pick scars, not nearly as bad as boxcar scars which is some really fucked up shit. Goddamn acne, man. It was one of the most damaging experiences of my life… I tear up just thinking about how debilitating it was and I’m so grateful things got better. Who knew that after trying every possible prescription cream and oral antibiotic plus Accutane (that shit did work although for a short time), the ultimate answer would be icing, benzoyl peroxide, and mandelic acid serum (and maybe California air?). But I digress… Last night, a bunch of people suggested subcision and micro needling over laser. What the hell are those? More research. So in both cases, the idea is to use a needle to poke around and under the skin where there is scarring. That “breaks up” the scar tissue and triggers the body to regenerate and create more collagen to repair the area, thereby replenishing it with new skin (and smoother surface).

So this morning, I booked an appointment with M’s doctor for mid April, but I also started looking into this dermarolling/micro needling concept. Multiple before/after pics and YouTube videos later, I’m sold. I ordered a kit from Banish in Los Angeles, and I’ll give it a go. If anything, it’s not just for acne scarring but also for anti-aging and overall skin improvement, like people have also used it for stretch marks and skin tightening too. I’m not gonna lie: the bloody videos are kinda scary and some people say it fucking hurts (You’re essentially rolling a meat tenderizer over your face), but what can I say: I’m a vain beotch, and I want better skin. Stay tuned.

In other news, as I’ve been booking lodging and shit for Europe, I was getting a little nervous about my dad’s MRI results, supposedly coming tomorrow. I looked into trip cancellation insurance and holy crap, our United Air Explorer card has trip insurance built-in, which means in the event of sickness or illness of you or your family member, the insurance covers up to $10k for prepaid travel bookings. I mean, if shit were bad, we would certainly do what we gotta do, but it’s nice just having that piece of mind. I swear, it’s a whole other job knowing about those damn credit card benefits.

I remember a few years ago, I worked with this guy who had a very elaborate system, like if he got gas, he used Card A; if groceries, Card B; if travel, Card C; etc… It was serious, and while I was definitely impressed, I guess there is a point of OVER-optimizing, as Bubs likes to remind me (e.g my dad). So yeah, J and I aren’t super duper on the ball, but man, I do admire the hustle, and I get super excited whenever I uncover little secrets here and there… Speaking of which, have you heard of the Southwest Companion Pass? Holy crap, I just learned of this last week. Yup, I’ve already applied for two cards in an attempt to try and get it. What can I say, a woman’s gotta have goals. Shrug.

Keeping the Household Humming

Some days, I get the sense that Bubs thinks I’m just sitting around twiddling my thumbs and shopping all day online. Admittedly, I am a superstar “researcher” but shit, there’s more to keeping the household humming than just clicking around online. Admittedly, we’ve been on a bit of a spending spree these last several months… What’s that saying, “Happy wife, happy life.” For me, I just want Bubs to be happy. Sounds simple enough, but it’s no small feat for someone prone to depression and negative thinking (actually, both of us!). Bubs works really hard, so whenever he makes a comment or complaint or whatever, I try to be attentive. I’m not trying to be the subservient wife or anything, but he’s my companion and I want to do whatever I can to help create our “best life” together. Ugh, I know. Enough with those fucking Tony Robbins terms. Sorry, not sorry.

Certainly, after I left my job, the first orders of business involved multiple home projects related to the garage and re-organization. But then, Bubbey was frustrated with our disorganized, limited closets, so we got TCS elfa installed. Bubbey said eating out wasn’t good for our diets, so I started cooking more at home, really hustling to have dinner ready when he stepped in the door. Then Bubbey hated our old sofa, so I researched and found a deep-seated sectional. Then, he lamented that we kept postponing our Europe trip and the years were flying by, so I booked that trip (award miles, baby!). Then, he wanted to install ductless heating/cooling to the house, so I’ve scheduled free estimates with two contractors. Then, he said looking at the dead grass (I killed our lawn bc of the drought, and Bubbey loves a green lawn!!) annoyed him, so I took on Operation Front Yard, laying out a plan, researching plants, and directing the gardeners. Yes, I know. I am oozing privilege here bc 1) I have the funds for all these projects and 2) I actually have gardeners instead of having to till the soil and plant the plants myself… Of course, in all these cases, I benefit too bc we have built a life together. And I get satisfaction from being useful and productive. Still, sometimes I get tired of trying to meet every need with minimal acknowledgement. And ultimately, I wonder. Will he ever be happy? Will WE ever be happy? Are we just a couple of malcontents who will never look up despite how much we have and how lucky we are? The theme of “not good enough” surfaces again, and I think of how throughout my life, I have nearly killed myself over this idea of not meeting the standards/expectations, whether they are set by my parents, my family, Bubbey, or myself.

Last week, I started obsessing over my physical imperfections. Honestly, I think the nitpicking was part of a bigger problem of just feeling out of control, esp with the uncertainty of my father’s health. But I’ve always hated my smile. I never show teeth, and even after I got braces taken off in college and I had a straight smile, I hated showing teeth. Now, I noticed that my two front teeth are crooked again. I was so good about wearing that damn retainer for years after brace, but I stopped by the time I was 30. And it shows. I leaned in closer to the mirror and noticed so many pock marks on my nose. That damn nose. It’s been the bane of my existence since forever. After decades of cystic acne, it’s scarred and misshapen. I know these are superficial things, but they are starting to bug me more now than ever. Am I getting greedy? I always think back to my days of youth when I truly believed only two things were required for happiness: 1) a dog 2) no more acne. Remember how I told the universe I would stop complaining if those wishes were answered? Well, look at me now. SMH.

Being the researcher that I am, I figured there’s no harm in gathering information. So I Yelped a few places, and yesterday I went to see an orthodontist. Turns out, J’s dental insurance doesn’t cover ortho at all. Again, it’s just my two front teeth! I’m good with everything else. Well, what could I expect: Orthos are perfectionists too. Long story short, the proposed treatment isn’t just working on those two teeth: no, it’s an entire 18-month long plan with both top and bottom realignments bc my entire line of teeth have to be pushed out to a wider semicircle to create more space for the two front teeth! Fucking A. 18 months of wearing Invisalign for 20-22 hrs/day. And the real kicker? Fucking $8,000!!! Oh, hell no. So I got home all disheartened. I mean, I’m no dentist but can’t they just shave down the front teeth and cap them with veneers? So now I’m going to see a cosmetic dentist next week to ask about some combo of shaving/bonding/veneers to see if we can arrive at a better solution.

Meanwhile, I went to the derm last week for my nose and wtf, the dude hardly had anything to say. He suspects what happened was that the cystic acne deformed my oil glands and pores hence the bumpiness on my nose. Usually, I thought derms could talk laser treatments and resurfacing. Nope, homeboy just wanted me to see a cosmetic surgeon. He said maybe Fraxel could resolve this, but he didn’t even know. Well, shit. Now I blew my one free doctor visit per year on a useless visit. The place he recommended didn’t get good reviews, so now I’m going to check out a skin spa. Ugh, fucking no progress. Maybe if I tackle at least one of the two deformities, I’ll feel better. Then again, maybe I’ll just find a third imperfection to obsess over… Sigh. Some days I exhaust myself.

 

Managing Sadness

Holy shit, another week is over already. It’s Ramadan, Father’s Day, and Summer Solstice. Yup, I only keep up with those holidays bc well, I’m still saving lives with social media and all. Haha.

Last week was mostly good for Marty. J made him chicken soup and with the daily sub-cutaneous fluids therapy, his appetite started coming back. Mind you, he’s still been picky as fuck, but at least he was ingesting stuff. Because of his progress, we decided to skip ONE day (Wednesday) with the fluids. OMFG, I thought he was going to die the next day. On Thursday, he was so lethargic, he barely even got up. By evening, J and I started panicking and I had another cryfest meltdown. We immediately resumed the fluids, and thankfully, the next day (Friday), things began looking up again. I was still feeling really sad though, just wondering about the fluids management and stressing about J being away for his cross-country trip. Goddamn that catastrophic thinking; it’s enough to KILL me. On Friday late morning, my boss came into my office to tell me about some new data visualization software. I had been crying. Thirty seconds in, with her blurting out a bunch of stuff, she stopped to ask, “Is everything ok? What’s wrong?” And just like that, I lost it again. Fucking emotions, man. Fortunately, she was very kind. Later, J sent me a pic of Marty mid-day and he looked so much better, so I felt better. I swear I need to gain some frickin’ emotional stability.

I was so glad for this weekend. I caught up on some sleep and pulled myself together a little. J made a new batch of food for Marty; we also went to the vet to get more fluids supplies plus some appetite stimulant meds N recommended. I also purchased some additional brands of dry and wet kidney diet foods. I swear, I feel so stressed when Marty doesn’t eat. He’s always been super food driven, so to see him have zero interest or to see him just spit everything out all over the floor is exasperating. But yesterday, we started with the new drug and holy crap, I haven’t seen him eat like this in forever. He even chowed down on the new kidney food. I dunno. I’m relieved that the drug is getting him to eat again, but I’m still wary about overworking his system and kidneys with TOO much food. It’s a weird balance with way more trial and error than I’m used to.

Yesterday, Bubbey and I tried to do something “fun” for the weekend. We went to see Inside Out. Pixar is always brilliant. I really identified with the Sadness character. But I also was reminded of just how dangerous sadness can be. It has the power to negate and erode all good memories. It’s like a fucking contagion.

This morning, I called my father for Father’s Day. Ho hum, woe is I, blah, blah, sigh, sigh. It’s exhausting. My whole family: they don’t do anything; just stay at home and watch tv. I mean, my father stays somewhat busy managing his properties and dealing with tenant demands and chores and errands (he even tries to do minor handyman shit himself), but Jesus Christ: no fucking joy. His life is joyless. I really don’t know what to do. It takes all the energy in the world NOT to blow up at him and just say, “Do SOMEthing.” Stop being depressed. Stop thinking about ALL the things in your life that disappoint you. For fuck’s sake, save yourself. That’s what I feel and think, but that’s NOT what I say bc well, depression is some real shit. And not everyone responds to that whole “Pull yourself up by the bootstraps” kind of messaging. But goddamn, that’s what I want to say to so many people around me, including myself. Save yourself, people. Please.

In other news, I’m developing a monster boil on my chin. Maybe I’ll just give myself zinc poisoning again with all this desperation. On the bright side, Martin IS eating again. This appetite stimulant mirtazapine is some crazy ass shit. We’re taking a super small dosage too, like 8 mg, and he is eating like a football player. Sigh. Focus on the good. Focus on the things I can change.

sadness