Category Archives: Vanity

Stilettos and Clubs

Oh my, it’s been another hectic week. Things started off kinda crappy bc of my lingering cold. At Bubbey’s urging, I called the advice nurse line at Kaiser to see if 10+ days with a sore throat seemed right to them. The nurse was super nice and she said she was battling the same nasty cold herself… there is nothing you can do except continue with the honey/lemon/hot water concoction, suck on throat lozenges, bundle up, and protect your throat from exposure to anything extreme like cold outside air or blasts of dry hot air from indoor heaters. Then, she specifically said, wear a scarf and cover your mouth from these extremes. Omfg, my parents and their constant nagging were right about everything once again! Wtf. I said that to the lady and she cracked up. I mean, every time my parents tell me all this shit, I just roll my eyes. Now I waited on hold for ten minutes to hear the same info from a professional. SMH.

Meanwhile, our poor friend A who invited us to Pasadena… she’s on two different inhalers plus two different antibiotics and she was ordered to stay home on bed rest for another week. Really bad.

Work wise, I tried really hard to get back on track this week. There were a host of trainings and meetings. I met another newbie who was one month in and she had already started meeting with loan officers. And then I realized that, in some way or another, I was procrastinating with that shit. Oh hell no, I am not going to be outworked by another newb. So that afternoon, I reached out to several loan officers and booked appointments. It’s Gou time, mother fuckers.

I scheduled five appointments for the next seven days, and then I’m also planning random drop ins too. One super high producing loan officer at a credit union called me back and invited me to either meet at the office and get a tour and meet the underwriters, OR we could meet at the Capital Club after work where he could book a booth for us. Don’t get the wrong idea: I wasn’t creeped out by it or anything, but I was thinking to myself: what the heck is the Capital Club? Holy crap, that’s how real power players roll. Shit, I am NOT ready!!! Thankfully, I was able to think fast and just opt to see the office and meet the team. After I got off the phone, though. The CC is a country club… like members only kind of place. Oh man, another reminder that real estate can be a fancy world. Shit. I gotta step my shit up!

Which brings me to another issue. I have to revisit my style. I mean, I’m certainly not the frumpiest in the lot of agents, but I’m also not A game. This line of work is def dressier than anywhere else I’ve ever been, including the stodgy environmental engineering firm from back in the day. The ladies who look nice have their shit together: hair, makeup, nails, jewelry. I am seeing a lot of expensive bags and shoes– big time heels, like 3-inch stilettos!!! Needless to say, I’m feeling a little stressed and pressured about this image game, esp bc my skin has been super wonky (exacerbated by all the recent itchiness and flea bite sensitivities), my hair is a mess (I’m growing out part of the shaved head), and I’ve been avoiding dresses and skirts due to the wet and cold. I mean, it’s fine. I’ll just have to figure out my own style, which will probably be more casual than the industry standard but dressier than my current. Yet another thing to deal with on an already lengthy list. Sheesh.

In other news, I met up yesterday with my airplane friend L who was in town for work. He used to be the GM of a healthcare software startup in SF, but he left there and is now the CEO of a software company in the South Bay. That’s great news for me, bc when he flies in, he and his team stay in MV bc that’s where their developers are. No more coordinating meet ups in the city. Anyway, I met him and his colleague who’s from Puerto Rico. In some ways, I feel like L and I are kindred spirits. We have a lot of random similarities. For example, we both share a love and fascination with emotional/ social intelligence, personality types, and leadership skills. He’s teaching two classes part time at Catholic University, and he was lamenting about how people no longer care about written communication… how the students’ writing is shit bc longform is dead. I mean, isn’t that just what I’ve been complaining about? How people don’t want to email anymore bc it’s too time consuming. Texting and social media are all about the shortest, punchiest lines. 

Sadly, I also learned that he put down his 16-y/o dog a week ago. Like Marty, his Pomeranian had kidney disease and he and the wife were doing the homemade meals and supplements and subcutaneous fluids… He’s also devastated by the loss.

In a lighter vein, L also has the Southwest Companion Pass, which I suppose isn’t that surprising considering we met on a Southwest flight to Phoenix three or four years ago. Isn’t it kinda uncanny all the coincidences? I will say, I was very happy to be the person clueing him in about Southwest’s reliatively new direct route from SJC-BWI. For all his flights out to California (his family lives in MD), he’s been suffering through connecting flights just to fly on Southwest. Now his trips will be so much easier. Anyway, it was a good catchup and I expect we’ll see each other more frequently in the future.

Confidence

In preparation for our trip, Bubs started watching a bunch of videos on Seoul. One video we watched had to do with the skyrocketing trend of plastic surgery in Korea. The Koreans are into elective surgery big time (Based on 2014 stats: 1 in 5 women get shit done vs. 1 in 20 women in the US), and the patients are super freaking young. Like under 20 y/o!! I dunno where I stand on all of this.

On one hand, I feel so sad that children THAT young are feeling so badly about their appearances that they are going under the knife. The argument for surgery isn’t purely superficial though. As in China, job applicants have to submit mugshots, so many parents who gift their kids plastic surgeries for their 16th and 18th bdays consider it an “investment” in the child’s career and future. There does seem to be something instinctively “wrong” with having physical appearance and beauty hold so much importance, and yet, if we think about all those studies about how beautiful people get more in life (be it in the form of attention, assistance, promotions, jobs, etc…), is it naive to downplay how influential beauty can be? Even babies respond more positively to beautiful people, so isn’t this just human nature?

My stance with plastic surgery has changed over the years. In my younger years, despite my struggles with acne, I really felt like surgery just promoted superficiality. Anytime my parents complained about my attire or whatever, I reacted angrily, accusing them of being shallow. But now, as a 40-y/o woman, I realize there’s a lot to be said for confidence as a byproduct of attractive appearance. When I was younger, my acne made me closed off. I isolated myself from things I would have done otherwise. And in my mid 30s, when I started investing more time in my attire and my style (after my acne cleared up), I def felt a stronger kick in my step. The connection between appearance and confidence was undeniable. And certainly, if an adult woman opts for a little nip/tuck or facelift or whatever, I’m far less judgey about it now than I used to be. Ultimately, it’s about choice, right? Weigh the pros and cons and then decide for yourself. Honestly, women have been obsessing over beauty since forever, whether it’s in the form of makeup, skin creams/elixirs, faux lashes, botox, fillers, hair removal, tatted brows, hair coloring, pushup bras, etc.

So circling back to plastic surgery for girls… instinctively, it feels wrong but if I consider it from the perspective of confidence, I feel very differently. For example, how different would my experiences as a young woman have been if I had confidence, if I had loved myself? My demons chased me for so long… decades and decades. What if that burden had been removed in my 20s: how might I have flourished? I don’t know what the answer is, and with issues like this, I’m so glad I don’t have kids who rely on me to help direct and navigate them through these complexities.

Anyway, it’ll be interesting to be surrounded by swaths of beautiful people in Seoul. 🙂

Browologist

John has started calling me a browologist, bc I am obsessed with eyebrows. Seriously though, the bros make all the difference. I mean, I have believed this for a very long while, but more recently, I’ve come to learn that these game changers are not natural… like a gabillion other aspects of being a woman, that shit takes effort and work (as well as time and resources). So who are my celeb brow muses? For one, Kdash has amazing brows. Specifically, check out her look from this year’s MTV VMAs.

My other celeb brow muse? Olivia Culpo. I don’t know anything about her (former beauty pageant queen or something), but her brows are on fleek, as the millennials say.

As for me, I am about two weeks post-touchup. After the swelling went down and shit started looking “normal” again, there was still some flaking and scabbing. I think we’re good now. I mean, if I want to be super nit picky, the right brow is slightly lighter than the left, but whatevs. At this point, we really are splitting hairs. My gal Chanton asked me to write a review, which I did. It’s kinda lengthy, but hey, I’m just trying to be thorough. I even uploaded pics which I never do, but given that her business website went down recently and her online portfolio was skimpy to start, here’s another data point for the hardcore researchers out there. Holla! Btw, I had to go back a ways to find a pic of me with zero makeup/pencil on the brows. Also, the young VG was super duper frump. OMFG, how did I even leave the house?! SMH.

The Bros

Bubs and I are finally settled back into living with sufficient oxygen. Whew ee, our bodies were wrecked from four days in the high mountains! Of course, in typical fashion, I had shit booked in my calendar for the very next day. Yup, I was scheduled to get my “bros” (brows) touched-up and then I was doing a uke lesson.

So, I’m not going to beat around the bush: the brows touch up session hurt. Like more than the first time. The lady suggested there was greater sensitivity, bc she was going over old wounds but shit… I wasn’t prepared for that level of pain! I started the session telling my lady that I was super pleased with the shape. My only constructive feedback? On the left brow, the bottom part has a really strong line and on the right brow, the end was turning bluish. Apparently, she preferred the line bc it made my brow pop more and she explained that the color uptake depends on so many things: blood type, skin tone, sun exposure, creams, etc. Seriously, with so many damn variables, who in their right mind would ever be a permanent makeup artist?!?

So she started with the topical numbing. I dunno what the deal is, but it didn’t help. This time, I was so much more uncomfortable, that I was like grabbing my own hands and fingers to keep myself from writhing. I dunno. Typically, I have a really high pain threshold, but the damn eye area is sensitive as fuck. She applied more numbing cream like twice more. It got better but then there’s that scraping sound!! After all was done (35 minutes), the shape looked different. Oh, fuck no!!!!! I had my uke lesson, so I had to get going. I thanked her and drove away, hoping that the increased thickness was just due to swelling and that the new wonky arch was going to settle down. Ugh. Yeah, kinda stressful. After my uke lesson, when I got home, I was internally spazing out. They just didn’t look as good. She said she went right over the old one… did she change something? I was totally despairing, and then Bubs was asking me questions about all kinds of other unrelated things. Argh! I don’t think he realized how much it was bothering me. I was pretty much obsessed and distracted for the next two days.

Later, when I would ask Bubs about my brows, he just kept telling me they were the same as before. Wtf does he know though? He can barely even tell one Chinese lady from another?? Somehow, I managed to still NOT freak out externally. Why? Bc what is done is done. What’s the point? I’ll just have to tweak it with the pencil once everything heals over. This is the risk I accepted when I opted for this shit, so pipe the fuck down!

So now it’s like Day 4 post procedure. Thankfully, the brow thickness has indeed gone down. The arch has also come down a bit… I’m still not sure if the arch high point is exactly where it was last time, but now the scabs are flaking so I can’t jump to conclusions. Today the brows are itchy and bc of the uneven flaking, the color is more mottled.

Geez, did this happen last time? Yes, similar but not exactly the same. Maybe I kept the brows drier last time and now with our new gym membership and my freaking out, I’ve gotten them damp more??? Who the fuck knows. Like I said, too many factors with this shit.

Would I do this again? Yes, bc I still like the added drama of tatted brows. And I am def loving my record 5 minutes get-ready time. The arch/shape still remains to be seen. At worst, I might have to pencil just a tad at the tip of the arch to get it to hit exactly right. But for the most part, it seems like it’s pretty damn close. The other conclusion here? Tatted brows are not for uber perfectionists. There are simply too many variables; And I mean, it’s a high-risk thing, right? Bc beauty is like art and art is subjective. The good news is that it’s not SUPER permanent. I mean, 1-2 years on average, so not the end of the world if I’m inconvenienced with having to tweak it. But for some people, 1-2 years of imperfect brows might still be too long.

But back to my uke lesson. You see, I recently discovered this amazing community program called LinkAges. Developed by a local medical foundation’s “innovation” center (who knew such groups even existed?), the membership timebank idea emerged after many physicians found social isolation to be a major issue among the aging population. So the solution? Create a community where members earn/use hours for any service from other members. The concept is so simple that I’m like kicking myself with “why didn’t I think of that?” Duh. And bc the timebank is based on trading knowledge/skills, it’s not limited by age at all.

After attending an orientation earlier this month at the library, I made plans to learn uke. I showed up at the member’s house, and well, immediately on stepping inside the door, I knew this was a Chinese household. Sure, her name was a giveaway, but I’m telling you: the mandatory shoes off and slippers on (bare feet is not acceptable), the oak furniture, the overall lack of decor, the smell… the lady was super nice and patient. And I really appreciated her bluntness. She said she had gone to several community uke jams herself, but she had trouble learning the songs (old white people songs), so she formed her own group with Cantonese-speakers. She said she’d invite me but they speak Cantonese instead of Mandarin, and they play songs from their generation.

Yeah, that’s definitely been the problem for me in the past. I attended several uke jams, but the songs were really old school and not knowing the tunes was a real detriment, bc I had no concept of the pace or melody. S suggested that I sing while I play bc that will set the melody (like the guitar, the uke is really just the accompaniment). Man, it’s too bad my gal G is in Seattle. When she lived in SF, she’d at least pick contemporary songs for us.

All in all, the lesson was a great first experience with LinkAges, and I was happy to bust out my Yuki for the first time in like a year. Now I just have to find a new tribe for it. As for the services/skills I’m offering, they include be tech support, EFL tutoring, eBaying, and maybe NuWave/pressure cooking tips.

The Artist (Formerly Known as…)

My sleep is all jacked up again. Every time I’m about to visit with family, my anxiety level goes up. And on top of my family woes, there are also a number of other factors that are weighing on me: Bubbey is unhappy at work again, his back is NOT getting better, I’m stressed thinking about all the oldies (my grandparents and Marty) and their increased health problems, and I am still trying to learn my real estate stuff as fast as possible… My brain just can’t seem to ramp up fast enough though. On top of that, I’m out of shape. So yeah, overall, I’m feeling overwhelmed.

But given my experiences from last week, between visiting with S and her Camp Wonder girls and having Buddy pass away, I am trying really hard to maintain perspective and to just focus on the smaller steps.

Yesterday, I didn’t study as much as I had wanted, but I did reach out to various contacts. Yeah, the Unabomber had a lot of people interaction yesterday. I called Virgin America again and got the remaining points redeposited. Then I called SmileDirect Club and peppered them with a gabillion questions. Wow, that customer service rep Randall is GOOD! What a relief to find someone knowledgeable, helpful, AND attentive. A goddamn unicorn these days! Yeah, I got my treatment plan last week along with an animation and Im pretty darn inpressed! They expect treatment to be only six months!! I’m so tempted but am still sitting on the decision. More on SmileDirect Club later. After that, I contacted a few computer repair/tech support vendors to inquire about home visits. Found a responsive shop, but they mostly do businesses only. Then upgraded my care.com account and researched personal assistants for my parents. I swear to god, the sharing and/or gig economy has not made it to Frederick. Slim pickings, I tell you. I should have known, considering that even Yelp doesn’t have enough critical mass there. I found ONE dude who had “computer help” in his profile. And most other general personal assistant profiles aren’t even active, with 5-7 day response times and log ins from 3 months ago. WTF? Regardless, I reached out to that one dude, and we’ll see when he gets back to me.

Meanwhile, I’m still hustling through my eBay store, Craigslist, NextDoor, and OfferUp sites. Trying to sell my stuff and all. Somehow the physical decluttering makes me feel better. So I got a bite for my old mattress yesterday, and the dude showed up with his friend– some chick with green hair. We were talking and then, he asked if I was an artist or musician? Say what? Haha, I could not stop smiling. I mean, I was wearing my crazy floral jeans but shiit, his comment made my fucking day. And they bought the mattress to boot (didn’t even haggle)! As soon as I got back inside, I sent a giddy text to Bubs. The simplest things crack me up. That’s the thing about first impressions though. I’m always curious about the clues we use to make our split second judgements… It’s such an interesting part of human interactions.

Anyway, in the evening, I had someone respond to my NextDoor posting for Bubbey’s old Mac tower. I had received a few bites last week, with people making outrageous lowball offers, but this dude came by, checked everything out, and bam, sold! Maybe I’m just not as trusting, but this guy was all surprised that I had set the tower up with an old monitor and keyboard and mouse, so he could drive around in the OS. I mean, were you just going to visually inspect, buy, test it out at home, and risk having to find me again if it didn’t work as described?? And it was $375, not just chump change! Oh well, regardless, it worked out great and he even had me keep the change. Yay! The guy himself is a CAD designer, and he was getting it for his friend who’s starting grad school in video/cinematography editing. So cool to be amongst the creatives! Haha. You know me: always wishing I were cooler than I am.

What else. My third Schoola shipment arrived yesterday. I know, it seems like I have been doing a lot of clothes shopping, and I guess that’s true, but I’m telling you, these second-hand joints are so fucking cheap! My latest lot was all wins: two button down shirts, two blouses, and a blazer for $42!! And all the goods except the blazer are Banana Republic and in excellent condition! Not that you care, but hell, you know I like to crunch the numbers: in total, I have spent $105 with Schoola for 11 items that panned out for me and 2 that panned out for my friend M! Yeah, the free shipping takes 2-3 weeks but it’s worth the wait. And I guess I could always fork over a few extra bucks to upgrade shipping. 🙂

Lessons from Kids

Today, I was up in Livermore hanging out with my friend S and her girls at Camp Wonder. I saw some familiar faces from last year, but overall, S’s group was noticeably more chill than her groups from previous years. Perhaps it was the older ages (9+)? Or simply different personalities? I don’t interact with kids enough to really know. Regardless, I was thrilled to see several of the kids playing with my headband and bracelet-making kits, even proudly wearing their creations afterwards. Those kits, man. Can the instructions be any more confusing? For reals.

It was great to catch up with S. She’s had an extremely difficult year, getting kicked off her insurance and then having to go off her meds. Compared to last year, her arms and legs were covered in scales, and she said the chronic pain got really bad the last several months. It was so upsetting hearing her describe firsthand our broken healthcare system: Medi-cal refused to cover the meds she needed: to make matters worse, the program administrators insisted that she go through various courses of cheaper meds first– meds that she’d already tried in the past and that had proven ineffective (some with extremely damaging chemotherapy side effects)– before giving her the known working meds. So despite her extensive medical records and documentation, with physicians already having tried the cheaper drugs, the program made her jump through the hoops all over again! And during this time, of course her condition and pain escalated. Argh, so incredibly frustrating that she was forced to endure even though a helpful treatment had already been identified!! WTF?!?!

I was really glad to visit my friend and her girls, but on the drive home, I felt really sad. Seeing all the kids with such severe, disfiguring, and debilitating skin diseases… It reminded me of all the pain and shame and embarrassment I had felt when I had severe cystic acne. And no matter how badly I had it back then, my case was just superficial shit. These kids’ diseases are on an entirely different level. Some of them have skin so sensitive, it has to be bandaged and dressed multiple times a day– their arms and legs completely wrapped and covered. The skin that is exposed– it’s splotchy, lesioned, and discolored. Some have lost their hair. And as if that weren’t enough, they are in chronic pain, with arthritis and blisters and organ issues. Some kids don’t have fingernails much less fingers. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about how much they suffer. And they are just kids. How do they still find joy in each and every day? How do they find the strength to laugh and play and smile through the overwhelming discomfort and pain? And then I think about the families who provide for these precious little hearts. Honestly, where do they find the courage and stamina?

I am reminded again today of my many blessings. And I’m grateful for the kind souls behind Camp Wonder and the Childrens’ Skin Disease Foundation (created by a fellow Dukie, btw!). I am humbled by their purpose and commitment. And the kids… I am inspired by their sweet smiles.

V is for Vanity

Despite months of “I’m 40” self-proclamations, I officially turned 4-0 this week. So far, birthday week has been pretty good. I’ve gotten a few more bites on Rover (those lil’ doggies are my youth/energy elixir!!), and I was super stoked to receive my Schoola and Thredup shipments. I still can’t believe how fucking affordable used clothing (in great condition) is! I’m gonna be hard-pressed to ever pay for new clothing again. For realz.

On Monday, I met up with K for lunch at a new Italian place (new to us, anyhow). I consumed an incredibly filling meal. I got eggplant parm but the meal also came with salad plus we had cheesy bread plus pasta. Clearly, I’m going full hog this week. Oh well. I hadn’t seen K since last month’s Best Life getaway. I’d kinda gone into unabomber mode since, so I was bummed to hear that K’s been dealing with fam health issues the last several weeks. That health shit always crops up so unexpectedly and it’s fucking scary as hell, esp when lab results never turn up anything definitive. So frustrating, but at the same time, I’m comforted to see that in such emergencies, her people are thankfully well supported and well loved. It’s not always that way, which is a sad reality for many. More on caretaking later.

On my actual bday, I indulged in the world of free. Yup, just my style, right? I started off the day driving into San Mateo with Bubbey. We met M at her neighborhood Starbies, where I got a free chai latte. Then Bubs caught the train and M and I drove on up to Sonoma Mission Inn and Spa. As part of their Good Neighbor Program, I got free admission AND a free dessert. $60 Bubbey bucks, baby. Throughout the day, M hooked me up with food, drinks, and gifts while we gabbed and chilled by the pool. When I got home, Bubs prepped a whole fondue meal. Yeah, it’s pretty damn luxurious being the queen for the day. I lived it up while I could.

What else. Oh, the day before my bday, Bubbey decided to sit me down to go over parental talking points for my trip out to MD next month. Are you for realz with this buzzkill topic? All this heavy and serious shit, like what’s their real plan for Taiwan? Are they really never coming back to the US for any extended period? If so, how do they want to handle offloading all their stuff here? Next, I’m supposed to express gratitude for all that they’ve done for me and offer to take care of them when the time comes. Third, I need to reassure dad that I’ll care of mom should something happen to him. I was like, wtf? I am NOT ready to have those conversations. I mean, hello, remember that massive blowup (ok, just one of many) I had with my mother??? That was just a few months ago! I’m certainly not proposing that they come live near me much less with me. Not. right. now. Then, Bubbey proceeded to comment about how they’ve done so much for me and it’s my turn to return the help. I just started bawling. I know how much they’ve done for me, but at the same time, I never asked to be born. Yes, this sounds super immature and selfish but shit, I still don’t have my crap figured out. How am I supposed to take this on? And I know I have a blessed and privileged life, but to be honest, some days, I really wish I were never born. Like, I wish my mom had aborted me. That’s not to say any ONE thing in my insular world is that horrible, but like I have shared, sometimes I just feel so out of place in this world. Like I’m saddened and overwhelmed and paralyzed by things I see and learn and know.

I know the right answer. And in my mind, it has always been my intention to step up when my parents need me. It has never ever been a question in my mind or in my heart. But in recent months, I’ve just grown so frustrated, not just with my parents but also with seeing parent-child relationships elsewhere, like with my grandparents and my parents, with John’s family, and with other families… It can be a major royal fucking mess– bringing out the worst and/or the best in people. So to have that conversation now, like next month… I’m just not ready today. And maybe that’s the thing about Rover and Pinterest and whatever else is occupying my attention… no matter how complicated or difficult care is for elder dogs, they always accept your choices/decisions free of judgement and with gratitude. When I see the growing suspicion or distrust in parents towards their children, no matter how rarely it surfaces, it bugs the shit out of me. Like with my maternal grandmother towards my dad when he was selling her townhouse or like with my in-laws towards their kids who are trying to get instructions on what to do… I’ve heard and read that when people get old, the paranoia and distrust elevate bc that’s part of the cognitive decline. But it still just makes me feel badly (and angrily), bc I mean, do they think this is easy for the kids? To try and honor the parents’ wishes and to do right by them while also trying to keep their own lives and shit together??? It all just feels like a cruel joke. But ultimately, I know this is life. And fuck, I have it a gabillion times easier than most. So just buck up and get ‘er done.

Back to more light-hearted matters… My next Pinterest experiment is this floral jeans + t-shirt combo. I finally found floral jeans on ThredUp. Guess jeans for only $13!!! I’m wearing them now and somehow this combo doesn’t quite look as good. Hmph! Oh well, good enough!

Btw, I had a funny exchange the other day. My friend asked me if I’d gotten a boob job. Yup, lil’ ol me. What can I say? The power of clothes that fit and swimsuit tops with oomph! Who knew Lands End offered such magic! Regardless, a well-timed compliment just as I enter the 40s Club. Sure enough, I’m becoming vainer and vainer while the face and body get saggier and crinklier. Good times ahead, man.

Guinea Pig

I’ve been feeling a little down lately. Typically, these low phases are triggered by some combination of depressing world news, growing responsibilities with my parents, and feelings of isolation. My typical response to too many uncontrollable factors is to obsess over personal details (factors I can control), so I was pretty full speed ahead on this big Project Me program: I was going to the gym, changing up my makeup routine, trying out some new hair/skin products, re-coloring my hair, experimenting again with my wardrobe, and then also continuing with my real estate classes.

Last weekend, Bubbey was out of town again. He headed back East for his parents’ 50th wedding anniversary. Man, we were on such a great roll this past year and I was so excited about celebrating our many milestones in 2016. But now, in recent months, J’s gotten really busy at work and he’s had to travel a lot more for the job and for his family. By contrast, I spend most of my days relatively quiet, mainly hanging out with Marty, who has his own share of ups and downs. By the time Bubs gets home, he’s chatted out and I’m barely getting started. Sigh. These are the forgotten challenges that come up when one person is on sabbatical, I guess.

After I finished managing the HVAC project last week, I started feeling like maybe it was time to get back into a professional setting, so I sent out some resumes to positions in commercial and residential real estate offices. Despite my many years in project management and specifically with handling residential real estate matters for my parents, it seems that I’ll still have to start from the beginning. I had a pretty good phone interview on Thursday for an admin role with a commercial firm, but the HR lady cautioned that it was entry level with typically 2 years before advancement to the next step… J thinks I should just focus on getting my license and then ramp up immediately as a salesperson rather than waste any time in some admin role, but he also doesn’t seem to notice that I’m quietly withdrawing into oblivion. In the very least, I figure the gig will give me exposure to a new industry, and if it’s not particularly stressful or challenging, I’ll be able to prepare for the license exam while also maintaining work-life balance.

I have a big bday coming up, and even though our Best Life weekend was partly to celebrate my 40th, I thought J and I might still do something together in addition. Turns out, he’s headed back to NYC that week. Initially, he seemed excited about suggesting that I join him for the week, but later, as the project scope and details remained nebulous (with creep likely), it seemed like he wouldn’t necessarily be around. I’m pretty good about exploring a city solo, and I considered inviting my Boston bud to meet me in New York, but I dunno, ultimately, it just sounded like too much coordination and effort. I’m trying not to be upset about it… esp after I watch the news or read about other people’s lives in developing countries (@natgeo on Instagram), I feel totally lame for even complaining. Still, it’s upsetting to feel unappreciated and undervalued– both work-wise and relationship-wise. To combat my issues, I’ve been visiting Pinterest a lot lately, trying to get inspired and motivated.

Speaking of motivation, my kit from SmileClub Direct arrived, and I created my teeth molds. There were four total– two for the upper teeth and two for the lower teeth. What an interesting kit: for each mold, you mix the catalyst putty with the base putty, lay a tube of the mixture into the tray, and cram it into your mouth. Of course, I was a crazy person, so I read every single instruction and tip beforehand, bc I wasn’t about to fuck up my molds. Two chances, beotch. I will say, usually, I have a really high threshold before the gag reflex kicks in, but shit, there were a few times when all that mouth action triggered some heaving. Nonetheless, I think my molds turned out according to spec, and today SCD emailed me saying they received my molds. I cannot wait to get my sample trays (for free teeth whitening) and treatment plan soon. I’m pretty excited to see what comes back. This remote orthodontics thing could be pretty frickin’ cutting edge, no?

On another plus side, Marty has been doing well again. Still finicky with his appetite but he’s been following me around everywhere, watching my every move, and just overall paying attention. His eyes are clear and alert, and he bounces with excitement every time we go for walks and car rides. My little buddy. What would I ever do without him.

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Project Me

Martin had a good day today: he ate some food (without meds); he didn’t vomit; and he went on an extended walk. A few days ago though, my neighbor had emailed me a list of things regarding the City’s On Call Plus service, yard waste, pet sitting, and how Marty was doing. I replied that things weren’t good and I was thinking maybe we were a month away. The next day, she replied that she and her husband hadn’t said anything to their daughter E about this. She suggested that I might start preparing E so she isn’t fully taken off guard when shit goes down. I mean, sure, I know E in that I have paid her to walk Marty during the week for the last year, but she’s 10, and I have no idea how adults communicate topics like death to kids. To be honest, I had been thinking about it, and all along, I’ve been verbalizing that he’s a lot weaker and older and not feeling well, but I dunno, isn’t the deterioration and death of a dog something the parents are supposed to interpret for her? I replied asking for her suggestion. She said E is mature for her age, and I should just “repeat over and over again that Marty is dying.” Really?

A sidebar about my neighbor. She’s a French lady. Very nice, very organized (she’s a project manager), extremely active and disciplined (just turned 50 and started competing in marathons and Iron Woman shit). Now that I think of it, she’s pretty dang direct too in her communication style. Is it a French thing or just her thing? I don’t really know. But an example of her bluntness:

Before we headed to Europe in April, I had “refreshed” my side shave. You see, my initial foray into the side shave was just a teaser. In February, I had shaved a small section from my face back to the front of my left ear. As I had mentioned in my Instagram back then, the move wasn’t nearly as dramatic as I had anticipated. So in mid April, I decided to take the shave a bit closer (number 2) and shave it farther back towards the back of my skull. Maybe by then I had already been desensitized, bc even though it was a lot more noticeable, it still didn’t feel like a huge deal. Then again, when I sent a pic to Bubbey complaining about the vertical demarcation from the old shave, he replied, “Forget the vertical line, how come the shaved area got way bigger?!?!… It’s a little extreme.” Whatever though. What does Bubbey know. So off we went on our European jaunt with my expanded shave debuting in London and Paris. When I got back, the neighbor came over with E to walk Marty. She looked at me with great horror and gasped:

F: Oh my god, what happened to your hair?!?!?!?

Me: Haha. Oh, I just shaved it.

(She was practically speechless.)

F: What did John say???

Me: He said it was a little extreme. (Shrug)

F: Well, it will grow back.

Me: Yeah it will… And then I’ll just do it again.

I always chuckle a bit when I think of that exchange. I really can’t see any of my American friends or acquaintances reacting in such a manner. But yeah, back to the Martin death thing. WTH? Weird, right? Is she tying to give E like unadulterated exposure so the girl isn’t coddled? I dunno. I don’t exactly understand it, but heck, if you want me to play the radical honesty card with a child, I’m game.

So beyond the stressful Marty doggie care these last couple weeks, I’ve been doing my very own version of GTL (S/O to Bubbey’s show Jersey Shore), except my version is Gym, Tanning, Learning. You see, when I was obsessing big time about my physical imperfections a couple months ago, I came to this realization after watching a ton of makeup and skincare tutorials on YouTube: looking good takes a lot of fucking effort. All the makeup people I follow on YouTube? Absolutely stunning and gorgeous. I mean, they’re already naturally pretty even with nothing on, but holy crap, there’s a HUGE difference in before and after. The “enhanced” version is super gorgeous. And these ladies can whip themselves ready in a flash (under 8 minutes). That said, let’s be real. They use a gazillion products AND there’s so much maintenance even beyond the makeup. Seriously, from teeth whitening gels to permed lashes to tattooed brows to shaving their faces to special shampoo… A shit ton of work and effort. So of course, that got thinking: here I am moaning and groaning about how ugly I am, and am I doing all that work? Nope. Just complaining while sitting on my ass. THE worst. So fine, time to step up my game. I have switched up my foundation to give more even, less splotchy coverage. Added bronzer for some healthy glow. And I think I’ve been over-stripping my skin, bc homegirl does a lot of skincare prep to get her acne-prone skin plump and ready before putting on any color. So now I am trying to hydrate my skin more often to see if that will help me achieve her smooth and flawless finish. I’m telling you: that shit is an art, and she is a master. I’m fascinated.

I also did some additional reading on the dermaroller, and I might be giving that up. I haven’t noticed a difference in skin texture after three uses and some papers are claiming that extended use causes serious damage. I might do it a few more times, but I won’t be re-ordering.

On Mothers’ Day, I ordered my evaluation kit from SmileDirectClub. Yes, it’s over 50% cheaper than the regular ortho and that def plays a factor with cheapie old me, but honestly, more than anything, I can’t help but be intrigued with the concept of mail-order ortho treatment. So I’m going to create the molds and see what treatment plan is proposed and then go from there on deciding whether or not to really go forward.

Fitness-wise, I’ve been going to the JCC pretty consistently. The gym just got some new ellipticals too that are making me sweat my brains out. Then I sweat some more in the sauna and steam room. I got my shower routine down. Yesterday, I changed up my exercise activity and hit up the pool (where I befriended a very outgoing 9 y/o Latina girl… Why are kids approaching me?!?). Oh and I am back on the self-tanning wagon. I still had some St. Tropez left (given to me by my gal K), so I figured I had to use it up, even though I’m sure K will insist that shit is expired. Whatdya know. Maybe the gym sauna/shower routine is working some kind of magic: No application mitt or anything, and the color is deep, uniform, and streak-free!! Yeehaw.

Yup, still studying my real estate books. Shit is finally starting to sink in. And the info is coming in handy for duties back East. I think I’m finally back on a roll! Just in time for our upcoming weekend getaway. Thank fucking goodness!

Vanity Update

Ok, so I met with three dentists total and all of them 1) recommended Invisalign (anywhere from 10 to 18 months of treatment) AND 2) strongly advised against veneers/bonding etc. The experts insist that I have great, healthy teeth, so no knowledgeable/legit specialist would shave down strong, healthy teeth and compromise the enamel for something as impermanent as veneers. Also, I didn’t know this, but veneers are super fragile– they aren’t even supposed to touch other teeth at the bite line. It’s all an illusion! So fine then. The professionals win. Interestingly, the cost of treatment ranged from under $4k to nearly $8k!! Yup, just like with home construction projects, the range runs the gamut. WTF? Ultimately, this means I’m going to wait until I get a job with better dental coverage before proceeding. I mean, my teeth bug me but they don’t bug me THAT much. I’d much rather go on an international trip for that amount of money… Then again, I guess if I really wanted to bring the costs down while also being an early adopter, I could always try the mail-order clear braces program called SmileDirectClub. Who the fuck knew such a thing existed? I mean, every person I tell shakes his/her head, but what can I say, I’m intrigued.

As for my skin, it’s been a few days since I tried the Banish dermaroller. It’s still early yet, but my skin did appear smoother the next day (my esthetician says it prob just appears smoother bc the skin is actually all inflamed and puffed up from being stabbed all over the place…). I’m hopeful though, bc conceptually, microneedling just makes sense to me. And if you’re wondering, yes, I did draw some blood. It def was NOT the most comfortable process, but fuck man, I have a high threshold for pain, esp when it comes to the promise of better skin. Bubbey totally called it when he got home: he said, even if the rolling didn’t initially draw blood, sure enough, I would just apply more pressure, believing “no pain, no gain.” True dat. Dude knows me like no other. Of course, since then, I’ve been itching to dermaroll again (just to make sure I cover every. square. inch.), but for the longer needles, the recommendation is once a week max or once every two weeks. Just this once, I’m gonna follow the rules and practice some self restraint. But shit man, it is killing me not to roll that meat tenderizer all over my face again! Resurfacing my damn nose just cannot come soon enough!!