I marked John’s two-week absence by going to dinner with my friend Em. I checked out her new digs along Taikang Lu and Sinan Lu (nice place!), and then we headed to the French restaurant La Seine for a fixed price meal. The food was phenomenal! So excellent, I’m taking John there as soon as he returns. For 98 yuan, we had hot French bread, creamy broccoli soup, salad with smoked salmon, sea bass, creme brulee, and hot tea. What a winner!

Afterwards, Em and I headed back to her place. Her roommate Paula had some ladies over, prepping for a night on the town. I observed a nearly two-hour long process, involving lots of green tea & whiskey (yewww!), plenty of cigs, fresh makeup, and skimpy outfits. Paula even squeezed into a pair of leather pants! God, looking hot takes too much damn effort and requires way too much physical suffering. I mean, those pants were tight enough to cut all circulation in her lower body. Top that with those now fashionable, feet-binding, pointy spike heels and it’s a like a modern day torture chamber. I know I’m no style maven, and admittedly, my hubby has described my fashion sense as that of a “frumpy librarian.” Still, can’t women’s fashion be just a tad more practical and comfortable? Must foot surgery be an inevitable part of every woman’s future? In the end, I was happy to be heading home.

Well there was a reason I stayed indoors today. Already, I was suffering this week from a mild bout with insomnia. Then last night, as temperatures dipped from the glorious 70’s to the chlling 40’s and 50’s, the winds roared so loudly, I was awoken by the noise of objects rattling outside. The rain pounded against the bay windows. Remy, of course, ran to the farthest corner. It was a forceful storm, but I felt too groggy to watch the turbulence. The two days before had been beautiful. I even shed my winter coat (you know that means it has to be very warm!). I spent the afternoons out on the porch with my laptop and the pups. Unfortunately, I think I got windblown, because last night I was freezing under the blankets and this morning, my nose was all stuffy. I took the pups out three times today… maybe the sound of rain makes them want to pee. They sloshed around in the mud and puddles. As for me, the rest of the day was quite miserable. My friend Em called to see if I wanted to go out to a bar for St. Patty’s day. Normally, my answer would be no. But being alone, I feel particularly inclined to make outside contact. Still, my answer was no. My best friend today was a box of tissues. Oh well, at least I got some course planning done.

I like running my own little show. By that, I’m not just talking about freelancing as an instructor. I’m also referring to all the other logistics in life– it’s like one big project that you have to manage. John hates handling details, and I’m not saying I love having OCD all the time, but on some occasions, I really feel a sense of accomplishment when items get crossed off the list.

So John’s in the US on business. I admit, I emailed him a to do list. Come on, how often is one of us in the US? You gotta maximize, right? Certainly, I didn’t want to bog him down with stupid errands here and there, so I just gave him the biggies– like check on the townhouse, deposit checks. The rest I did behind the scenes. I ordered stuff on Ebay, purchased books from Amazon (things I can’t get here), and sent him back with my broken CD/DVD drive. So basically, he just had to receive the stuff being shipped to his office. This whole operation is going pretty well. It also helps that he went back with an extra bag crammed inside his suitcase. He’s gonna need it. But hey, it’s not just for my stuff. Supposedly, our household will see a new set of speakers after this trip. He’s also picking up some goodies for our friends: cosmetics, Levi’s, Golden Grahams, Comet cleaner (I know, can you imagine the fanatic who wants that? And it isn’t me!). The culture here is all about gifts.

Let’s see, what else is getting checked off? Our taxes, our next batch of forwarded mail, software…. On this end, I’ve set up Chinese lessons for John. He starts soon after his return. He said he could understand bits and pieces of a conversation he overheard between two Chinese women on the plane. That made him excited to start learning again.

I’m counting the days till he gets back. This project management stuff’s been fun and its nice not having to share the bed and blanket, but I miss my Bubs. Time for him to come home.

I now spend hours every day reading articles on Salon. Honest, engaging, and provocative. This article just made me cry.

Fear and second chances

I’m giving my marriage a second try, and I’m scared beyond fear.

Actually, the number of times I’ve attempted to salvage my marriage has grown so numerous, I’ve literally lost count. That’s been the pattern since my wife and I married little more than seven years ago. Survive and move on. Survive and move on.

Nothing about our marriage has been “normal,” right up to her cheating on me last week. The details are ugly and unnecessary: Day-care provider’s husband. Basement. Party. Day-care provider finds them together. Calls me screaming, yelling, crying, heartbroken, devastated, defeated. Things I’ve felt many times before.

Was I surprised at what happened? Not really. Our marriage has been spiraling downward for so long, I expected something devastating just around the corner, waiting to explode. Did the expectation make the pain any less? Hell, no. I never knew I could hurt like this. I didn’t know it was possible to feel pain so intensely. And I never knew pain could last so long.

Throw kids into the picture and the scene becomes too ugly to look at. Throw family into the picture and your sides are drawn. Throw love into the picture and the most difficult decisions you could ever imagine become omnipresent. Give over your trust again or run and protect yourself? I pity any man or woman who ever has to make that decision.

So why try again? My wife is an alcoholic. It rules her life. It changes her personality. It distorts her decision-making abilities.

Why try again? My wife was mentally and physically abused and abandoned as a child. It has ruled her life. It has changed her personality. It has distorted her decision-making abilities.

Why try again? My wife has reached the bottom. There is nowhere lower to go. There is no comfort now in the booze. She stands to lose everything and she knows it. Children. Job. Me.

Why try again? I’ve seen her sweet side. I’ve seen nurture. I’ve seen her potential. I’ve seen her free of her past, even if just for very short periods of time. And I love those moments. There’s a bond between us that I can’t explain. It’s beyond us. It’s a gift from somewhere. I can’t take that lightly.

She’s left me completely empty. Tapped out and dry. Devoid of self-confidence or self-respect. She’s left me unbearably lonely and without solace. And yet, that “something” pushes me on, fueling me to take the next step.

I’m giving my marriage another try, and I’m so scared it physically hurts, because I don’t know if all the AA and counseling and therapy and hope and faith and trust and compassion in the world can undo what’s been done. And I don’t know if all the promises and sincerity and prayers in the universe can erase the horrific images inside my head. But I know that if I can survive, the many years to come can be opportunities for us to show our children that love is the strongest entity you can ever hope to grab hold of and let take you for a ride. I’ve felt it. I know it exists. I can’t imagine anyone but her can give it to me. I hope I’m right.

I met up with an old college acquaintance tonight–Bill Yen, back from the freshman days of Duke. Bill’s a creative genius. Had sculpture exhibitions in college and just earned his Masters in Architecture from Har-vard. He’s in Shanghai doing some post-grad research and also working for an architectural firm. He’s already designed some townhouses in Beijing and Guangzhou that are currently under construction. The next I.M. Pei, I tell you.

So we scheduled to meet at the Starbucks on Nanjing Xi Road. When I approached, there was a man standing outside with Bill’s silhouette–casual and chill. I waved and said “Hello,” but once I got closer, I realized it wasn’t him. I guess the guy was having a blind date though, because he thought I was his date and said, “Let’s go.” Embarrassed, I explained that he had the wrong person. I apologized, saying I mistook him for my friend and then I sat down, laughing to myself. Such incidents (uncomfortable and embarrassing) only seem to happen to me. My good friends know exactly what I mean.

A few minutes later, Bill showed up. We took a cab to Wagas, a brunch/sandwich/pasta joint. Pretty good food, actually. I had a sweet potato/feta lasagna. I haven’t had lasagna in soooo long. We shot the breeze, reminiscing about the good ol’ days. Hanging out late with friends. Livin’ it up in the dorms. Thriving off that new-found independence, yet dealing with all that heartbreaking drama. Ah the teen angst. All so long ago.

I received an email the other day announcing my 10-year high school reunion this November. Ugh. So after depressing ourselves with talk of middle-age, we headed over to McD’s for soft-serve cones. Bill also appreciates the goodness of these 25-cent goodies. He said KFC sells soft serve but it’s different. How? Well I had to taste for myself. Our next stop was KFC. The cone was definitely different. Not as creamy and there was a weird cotton-candy-ish flavor. But I’m not that picky when it comes to ice cream. I scarfed that one down as well. These last few days, I’ve certainly been making the McD rounds. Fried apple pies, large fries, ice cream… it’s a good thing I’m biking a lot.

Well I was supposed to spend most of today working, but long story short, I went to bed around 3:30 am last night and ended up running around town all afternoon getting ingredients for a dinner I was hosting tonight. Wang Jian and his wife Ya-Ya were coming over to check out our new digs. They are Shanghainese and though there was no pressure for me to make dinner, I guess I felt a little ridiculous always suggesting that we dine out when we get together. So, I decided to make dinner. Once again, my handy dandy bike proved its worth. First, I rode to the open air market down the street. Picked up some fresh veggies and fruit (mangoes and bananas). Then headed to the local LianHua supermarket (where the produce was disgraceful) and got yogurt, milk, TP, misc. stuff. I headed home to do a quick trial run and eat lunch. Made a banana yogurt smoothie (I can really drink a ton of that stuff!), washed all my veggies, and sauted some spinach (so good). I was still missing some goods though, so a trip to Carrefour was in order. Biked over, picked up thousand island salad dressing (that’s the only dressing they eat here), ice trays (I’ve had enough with that crappy IKEA flexi-tray!), and green raisins (couldn’t find plain purple ones). On the way back, dropped into the Mediterranean Bakery and bought a pizza crust (more like a large pita bread). All set.

Most of you probably already know this, but my god, food prep is laborious! I mean, especially without the aid of a food processor, there’re all these little steps: soaking, washing, rinsing, peeling, slicing, chopping, dicing, mixing, drying. Fifteen minutes till 7, armed with my 3-qt pot and a tupperware, I headed down the street to our favorite noodle shop. Soup and noodles to balance out the meal (or rather to serve as back up in case if my stuff backfired).

Back in the kitchen, the factory was in full production. Cookies in the oven, pizza waiting in queue, tossing the salad, filing the celery with peanut butter… Remy and Martin were probably wondering what all the commotion was about: never seen mommy in the kitchen for so long. Whatever, they were lovin’ it, the little scavengers.

WJ and Ya-Ya actually arrived 45 minutes late. They got lost and couldn’t get ahold of me because my cell reception here sucks. But the good news was they arrived hungry and every dish was a winner. Ya-Ya even said she was going to buy an oven tomorrow to recreate my pizza and cookies. And she also LOVED ants on a log. I was so pleased with myself, I had to document everything. You can see images of the feast I prepared on Imagestation. Yeah, let the mouth-watering begin!

I went to the Foreign Languages Bookstore again today… it’s becoming a regular pitstop before my Tuesday/Thursday tutoring job. I was originally browsing the foreign books section for some light reading, maybe even an Oprah book. 🙂 But then I came across The Rape of Nanking by Iris Chang. I had heard of the book before, but after seeing the pictures inside, I was projected to an entirely different level. The images were so utterly horrifying. Photographs of decapitations, severed heads lined atop a log, a woman’s naked dead body with her genitalia mutilated… atrocities so shocking, I just can’t even fathom how human beings become trained to commit these crimes. As I thumbed through the book (and others about the Japanese invasion of Nanking), I grew so sick to my stomach. I felt saddened and angry and disgusted and ashamed. I started feeling light-headed and lost my balance a little. I heard the impassioned voice of my grandmother, describing the destruction she witnessed when Japanese soldiers blazed through Shanghai.

It’s amazing how as a child, you read all these history texts about war. You hear bits and pieces from your relatives. Yet none of it sinks in. Somehow history is this sterile subject and these accounts are simply too dramatic to be believed. Today I was reminded of just how much this world has seen… my family alone has lived through so much. My grandmother has a perspective far deeper than I have ever given her credit for: the Japanese invasion, World War II, the Cultural Revolution (fortunately, she escaped to Taiwan)… these aren’t just fictionalized events that turn into big Hollywood films. These are actual experiences. And the violence still continues today. Every time I read the news, it’s all death, destruction, intolerance, violence. The violence is real and yet so many of us carry on in our daily lives, existing in some oblivious bubble. Why? Because caring takes too much effort. And the ills of this world are so great, it’s simply too overwhelming. It’s far easier to just accept that we have problems and then dismiss them. Life goes on. So what’s the alternative solution? I don’t know, but I have to believe that somewhere someone has the answer. And it will come, because however small the minority, there are people who care enough to try. There are people who feel conflicted by the juxtaposition of wealth and poverty, of freedom and intolerance, of stability and chaos, of peace and war. One reviewer of The Rape of Nanking advised, “Read it not as an end in itself but as a start of an investigation into the horrors of war and our constant need to justify it.” May I find the courage to read Ms. Chang’s book soon.

Hmph! Some anonymous reader posted a comment on my blog the other day… the first comment ever! I ought to be quite pleased (SOMEone is reading this blog!), but this person suggested something so ludicrous. S/he said that John is my ayi and that I should just “fess up!” Can you believe the audacity? 🙂 I mean sure, he does the grocery buying and cooking, but I do the cleaning and household errands (getting things fixed, negotiating deals, setting up utilities). You know, it’s not like I’m sitting on my ass over here! Ah well, take it with a grain of salt. We make a pretty darn good match any way you cut it. I love my Bubbey.

So day 2 of Home Alone just wrapped. I spent the morning vacuuming (the dogs are starting to shed again) and doing laundry. Exciting. Fortunately, the day was sunny with a warm breeze so our clothes won’t get quite so crunchy. In the afternoon, I got up to speed with US political news. I got so worked up about Bush, i.e. tyrannical asswipe, that I decided I had to get my absentee ballot today. I biked all through town to the US consulate, only to have the guards outside tell me voter info. is only available at the other office– on Nanjing Xi Rd. And that office closes at 3:30. It was 3:15. What kind of slacker Americans work those banker hours (with a 90 minute lunch break)?

The bike ride wasn’t a total waste. After all, it was 70+ degrees outside. On the way home, I stopped by the Shanghai Library– purportedly the biggest in Asia. I got myself a library card (only 25 yuan for one year) and checked out the west wing. The place was packed with my fellow studious Chinese. I went through the English books section and was pleased to find Tchobangolous’ Handbook on Municipal Solid Waste in the environmental section, as well as a huge selection of Lonely Planet travel guides. The newspaper area was pretty comprehensive too, with NY Times, Wash Post, Guardian, Christian Science Monitor, etc. The only drawback was that the most recent papers were dated Feb. 7. Only one month old, right? I’m better off scouring the newswires online.

According to the information map at the library’s entrance, there is also an internet room, A/V room, and music room. I’ll save that stuff for when John gets back in town.

Yup. That’s what I am right now. With Bubs out of town or rather, out of the damn country, I’m left with the two awry pups. You think it’s not that bad. Well try depriving Remy and Martin of dog parks, birds, squirrels, and practically all other creatures you once thought INedible, for three months and you see what happens when they discover rodents living in the bushes of their new playground. Yeah, getting home after dark and walking them in my heels (ahh, the demands of the business world) was only part of the problem. The other was locating their shit with a flashlight and scooping it into size way-too-small sandwich bags, all while trying to hold on. Silly fools. Martin saw a critter scatter across the parking lot and all hell almost broke loose. In a situation like that, there’s a lotta room for error. I gotta watch where I step in the darkness plus it’s been a real close call keeping my fingers clean, if you know what I mean. With these rascals, you gotta be a real hard-ass. A real disciplinarian, I tell you. And it’s not easy, especially for a softie like me. 🙂

In other news, I had a meeting wtih a potential corporate client this afternoon. I got the job! I’ll be training their staff of seven on business English writing. And the gig pays too! This marks the first deal for Move the Brain English Language Services. Woo hoo! Must be the business cards (designed by the ever-so-talented Bubs)! So after landing the SABIC (they’re a petrochemical company, headquartered in Saudi Arabia) job, I treated myself to a banana smoothie and veggie sandwich at Zoe’s Cafe (or as John calls it, “Zo’s, because it should rhyme with Joe’s.”).

In the evening, I was off to my Tuesday/Thursday tutoring job (thanks Emily!). I tutor this young lady who works for Carrier Corp (the A/C company). She’s a total workaholic: she puts in like 12 hours a day, plus training and other studious activities on the weekends. Anyway, she’s all about China’s growing economy– even at the expense of the environment, worker’s rights, human rights, etc. Yeah, so needless to say, she’s a little on the conservative side. But that’s one of the greatest challenges with teaching: you have to figure out how to mold the minds of your pupils. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Okay, so I’m not that cunning. Teaching is great. I’m glad to be back into it.

Oh, I forgot to mention my other small victories. Yesterday, I picked up some pants I dropped off at a nearby tailor’s. I’m definitely very clueless about fabrics and clothing (in terms of how they are made), but the stuff I got back fit beautifully. Yes, leave it to me to purchase very inexpensive pants that don’t exactly (or even closely) fit. Yeah well I get the last laugh because thanks to my magical tailor, now my cheap pants look more expensive. 🙂

For some reason, my bike is always getting knocked over. John says someone has a grudge against me. His bike (parked right next to mine) is NEVER knocked over. After John left on Monday, I went to ride to re-orient myself (now that my navigator has left). My front brakes wouldn’t release. Riding my bike became ten times as difficult with the friction from the brake! I went to a roadside bike repairperson who suggested that I got into an accident and got the brakes all out of whack. There’s been no accident, I told him. I’ve simply been the victim of bike abuse. It took the guy about 25 minutes to finally fix the problem. And it’s only a temporary fix. The brake is damaged. It’s only a matter of time before a replacement will be needed. Goddamn cheap bike. He pumped my tires up (they need air every few days!) and off I went. Happy as a clam, speeding through the crowds and ringing that wussy bell. I even discovered a shortcut to the light rail station. John will be proud.

There’s a Chinese story about a couple where the husband did all the cooking. One day, he was scheduled to leave town for a few weeks on business. Worried that his wife would not make food for herself, he baked a large doughnut to place around her neck. He made sure it was large enough to last his entire time away. When he returned, he discovered his wife dead. The doughnut had been eaten, but only on one side. She never thought to twist the doughnut around to get the other half.

John’s heading back to the US to work for a few weeks. He keeps bringing up the Doughnut story (as if I can’t fend for myself!). Yes, I’m a terrible cook, but that’s no reason to fear that I’ll starve being home alone! Just in case, John ordered a ton of groceries–mac & cheese, pasta, spagetti sauce, bread, PB, etc. So now I have my own doughnut. I’ll remember to twist it around after I devour the front.