Awww yeah baby, just got the verdict on my speeding ticket from May. Not guilty. Eat that! I’m so proud of myself. No more coughing up the hard-earned dough to the coppers.

Of course I spent hours researching the whole damn process, but you know what? It was about frickin’ time I learned how to work the system. Seriously, I encourage everyone to do the same. Here were the steps I took, in case you’re interested.

1. Waited to get the courtesy notice in the mail (about 5 wks from date of citation).
2. Submitted the fine but requested the option for “trial by declaration (written statement).”
3. The Court mailed me the forms requesting any additional evidence and a written statement.
4. I completed the forms and submitted a statement along the lines of:

I was traveling westbound on Highway ABC mid-day heading towards the XYZ Bridge. Before I was pulled over, I had changed lanes to position myself for the upcoming toll plaza. The weather was dry and sunny; I was traveling at a speed safe for the conditions.

The officer pulled me over several hundred feet from the toll plaza. He said I was speeding and that he clocked me going 82 mph; however, he did not show me the readout on his radar gun.

I question the accuracy of the radar device that was used…

Blah, blah. You get the point.

5. About one month after receiving the trial forms, I got a letter saying I was found NOT GUILTY, because the officer failed to submit paperwork responding to my statement.

I had suspected this might be the case: officers usually show up to court since they can charge OT for it, but they rarely refute written declarations because it’s pure paperwork. Regardless, it sure helps to do the homework. Saved myself enough dough to buy another 3-4 pairs of Birks. 😉

A few of my coworkers organized an after-work drinks/dinner at Chevy’s on Friday. To my surprise, the turnout was strong– about 14 people. It was a little odd with people still trying to figure out what pushed me over the edge (is it really that much of a mystery?). All in all though, a grand time. I had a beer (got tipsy after just one), the ballon guy came around and designed me a ballon doggie as well as a very flattering hat (pictures were taken…). Afterwards, most of the peeps headed home, but since I was still a tad inebriated, my buddies Dave and Joe took me to Chuck E. Cheese’s next door. I know, usually I’m too serious for games and arcades, but the booze took off the edge, and it was kind of fun accumulating those little tickets. Ha, reminded me of those Fun Factory days: I always took in my straight A report cards to redeem the 10 free tokens. I know, I was such the nerd.

This weekend has been awesome. I’m finally getting some sleep and recapturing some zest for life. On Saturday, we went to a lunchtime picnic thrown by John’s company. My god. Total opposite end of the spectrum. They frickin’ rented out the park. Had a goddamn moon bounce, magician, palm reader, caricature artist, catered food. The fucking works. No coworker being the designated grillmaster. Was awesome. I got my palm read– the guy said the downward slope on one of my palm lines meant I had to be careful of my proclivity for depression. Nice.

Then, I was super psyched about the artist. He’d done a bunch before us, and they were all really good so I couldn’t wait for us to get ours. How’d it turn out? Total dud. Doesn’t even look like me, and on top of that, he made John look like a cross between Jarrod the Subway guy and Simon the Chipmunk. Totally UNflattering. I dunno if it was because we were the last ones or what. Regardless, I got a decent belly laugh out of it. See for yourself. Seriously, please tell me we do not look like that. Please.

Saturday night, we went to the movies. Yup, I actually let us go out for full-price movies. We watched Bourne Ultimatum. I had missed the previous two in the series but apparently, it didn’t much matter. Ultimatum was quite good. I’m starting to see the appeal now of going out to the movies. Hee, hee.

Today was a very active day too. In the morning, John and I found a new park on the peninsula, where we took the dogs on a morning hike. Was fun. Unlike Dry Creek Park, Pulgas Ridge had plenty of shade.

On our way home, we dropped by Trader Joe’s and picked up stuff for lunch. Threw some pollo asada on the grill and had wraps. Not bad at all. In the afternoon, we went to the pool. It was gorgeous outside, and the only soul at the pool was an old man sunbathing in his Speedos. Seriously, where the fuck is everybody? Oh well, more pool for us.

After dinner, I took the pups rollerblading. They must have been tired still from the hike, because they dragged ass. Yup, time to whip them back into shape. First day of their fitness program coincides with my first day of unemployment: Monday. Yup, I’m eating that shit up this time. Btw, Birks arriving tomorrow. CANNOT WAIT.

Jesus, where the hell have I been, you ask? No earthly clue, to be honest. Just been decompressing and livin’ it up, I guess. Yup went to the theater a couple weeks ago… saw Broadway on the Bay’s Beauty and the Beast and then drove up to Sacramento the day after for Les Mis. BATB was actually quite good (and to my surprise, John is hooked on the soundtrack), but dayum, running up against Les Mis? No contest. The Sac production was very different– a circular stage with minimal props… I never thought Les Mis would be a spartan production but it was, and it was amazing nonetheless. The Jean ValJean character had performed the play like 1300 times, and he had that shit down to every single second. I was totally entranced. And the tickets were only $45 each! Not too shabby. Then again, the drive was two hours. but still, completely worth it and I’m eyeing what’s next. I am so obsessed, I’ve checked ALL the area theater lists. Cabaret is slated for March 2008 (I know, who the hell plans that far in advance) in San Jose. The Cirque traveling production is coming in September. Maybe I should take a community theater class just for kicks… How funny would that be?

So the job hunt is going ok. I’ve had some decent interest. Some rejections but nothing debilitating. Made it to the final round for a website job at a green space management public agency. Interview was crazy– endured questioning from a 3-person panel. Felt like the Inquisition, but I think I did well albeit not superstar well since I got called back for a final, final interview. I guess the panel had trouble choosing from the final four. Judgment day is next Thursday. Wish me luck. This place is so up my alley. Example? I went to the restroom before my interview. In the bathroom next to the sink, there was a sign next to an empty paper towel dispenser explaining that they had replaced paper towels with an electric hand blower/dryer because it was more eco-friendly. See what I mean? At my current place, I set up a can/bottle recycling bin and every week, it was stuffed with trash. Pissed me off!

As for the current gig, last day is next Friday. Yup, ended up giving 3.5 weeks because I’m a sucker like that. Thinking about leaving all the people made me all sad at first (I have emotional attachment issues), but I’m over it now. Seriously. I made the friends I made and I’m rejoining the world of the living so even though I won’t see them daily, I’m sure we’ll be in touch. So no worries.

In other news, I’m busy planning my life. My buddy Pamela from Shanghai will be in southern Cal later this month, so we’re going to meet up. Just booked my cheapie flights on JetBlue for four days in the land of the beautiful people.

Also, my other buddy from Shanghai, Jen, will be in Portland at the end of the month. John and I are going to celebrate our 11-year anniversary there and then hang with Jen and her hubby James. I’ve never been to Portland, but I can’t wait. To help us blend in with the treehuggers, John and I are getting Birks. Yup, I’m getting real ones this time. I know, ugly as fuck but I found some super cute clogs. Pamela is going to kill me but hey, my feet will love me. Plus, these are actually quite adorable, don’t you think? Definitely the most I’ve ever spent on shoes but hell, it’s a gift to myself. I consider it a liberation present. I’m eyeing Milanos or Sicilys for John, but I’m still working on convincing him… He’s gotta clean up the toe cheese first…

Ok well time to run. Hitting the hot tub. You’d be proud… now that I’ve emotionally let go of the job, I’m doing all kinds of activities. Life is good.

It had to be done, and quite frankly, it was long overdue… but I still felt bad delivering the news. You see, last week I had another meltdown, this time in front of the boss man. I told him that I had planned on submitting my letter. He said I would do no such thing. The crisis was averted then; he told me to give them a second chance.

The thing was, I’d been hating my job since at least March when I had suffered my first meltdown. I’d convinced myself to hang on (I’m not sure why), and very quickly March turned into July. So today, I just said the fit wasn’t right. He probed for more: he wanted to know the true reason. That is the true reason. I’m tired of the daily crisis mode. I’m burned out beyond belief, and I’m sad to say, I failed to manage the stress. I let it affect my health, my mood, and my overall life.
Since last week, he’s asked me how I’m doing. Like everyday. It’s nice to have the concern, but I now feel like he’s handling me with baby gloves. Not necessary. But as you can see, I have a difficult time letting go. This company is something to which I have committed myself for the last nine months. And now it’s done. A part of me is sad to let that go. Another part of me feels guilty for leaving. I know, I shouldn’t feel so self-important, but well, I do bust ass for this place.

And now I’m second guessing myself. I should have told him sooner. I should have asked for help. I should have limited my exposure: 8 to 5, that’s it. But the trouble is, I’m a workaholic, and I can’t help but throw myself into things. I see that he’s diverted a lot of work off of me and onto others in the last week. But I guess the second truth to all of this is that I’m a treehugger at heart. I need to be closer to the green/progressive action. Renewable energy and clean tech are great buzz words, but in the end, I need to feel people are motivated by an inner desire, not just the bottom line. And I want to feel a part of a community, a movement. I want to volunteer again and recapture that sense of something bigger. I want my work to satisfy my passions, and I suppose in the end, this place doesn’t do that. I still feel sad about leaving everyone. Sure, they weren’t my buddies, but there were connections and now they’ll likely be lost. I can’t help but feel some regret… was it a mistake?

There’s no turning back now. Perhaps a night’s rest will allow me to settle with my decision.

John and I ventured into the city earlier this month for Jersey Boys. Very entertaining production. A little lacking with the drama, but the music was definitely my speed. Of course, I’m such a wannabe. Everytime I see anything on stage, I always wish I had that kind of talent. Sigh. Anyway, John got me a Four Seasons CD, so the drive into work is a good time.

I’m on a total theater kick. Next Saturday, we’re going to see Beauty and the Beast. I know, it’s Disney but hey, I’m desperate for theater. Plus, it’s at the San Mateo Performing Arts Center. Super close and convenient. Plus, we’ve seen two of their productions already and their stuff is high caliber. Then, on Sunday I’m driving a couple hours to Sacramento (never been) to see Les Mis for the second or third time. I absolutely cannot wait. So excited for Les Mis. My favorite song would have to be Fantine’s “I Dreamed a Dream” or Javert’s “Stars.” Very tough call, but the former definitely brings me to tears. Actually, tears would be an understatement. That song triggers the fucked up breating and all. I know, I’m a sucker I tell you.

In other news, I had an interesting meeting yesterday with a prospective customer. I swear, this job reminds me a lot of my landfill engineering work. You meet all kinds of characters. So yesterday, we had a sales meeting. The CEO, Product Manager, and I headed over to a beverage bottling company to tell them about our product. Into the lobby strolled this guy in a Dickies suit with tattoos all over his arms. That wasn’t even the thing. So we sit down in the cafeteria (of all places) for our meeting. The CEO does his spiel and every now and then, the conversion goes off on tangents. At some point, the guy tells us about his lady and what she supposedly likes about him…. blah, blah. She likes his brain, she thinks he’s hot, and she can bear his children. Long story short, the guy uses the word cum during our meeting. I couldn’t believe it. Seriously. If I thought crying at work was unprofessional? “Cum” in a customer meeting? Totally bizarro. Where the fuck am I, you know what I’m saying? Gotta love the job. Only gets better. NOT.

I got so much stuff done this weekend… not an ounce of work but plenty of fun activities. Yes, I’m on my way to living the active life. Btw, did you know Yelp has that as a category? So let’s see: Saturday, John had to work– again. I did lots of me time. Got an awesome deep tissue massage. Heather rocked. Ultra strong fingers and she worked out all the knots in my back. I’m telling you, nothing’s better than a good massage. Then I cleaned and did laundry. Yes, the rest of it wasn’t that exciting. But by late afternoon, John had finished his work so we hurried up to Daly City for a horseback ride on the beach. Mar Vista Stables was a bit rough… sure, I picked it because I hate those ultra safe (and boring) trail rides where the horses never go faster than SLOW but geez, this was an experience. First, there were four pages of waivers including a declaration declining head protection (which wasn’t offered). Then, I got on my horse and he kept wandering around aimlessly in the corral. He approached one group of horses, and the ranch hands started yelling at me saying to keep him away or else the other horses would kick us. This brief brush with danger happened twice. Meanwhile, I had received zippo instructions on how to lead/handle the horse. Ditto for John. Then our guide got on his horse and his horse was especially feisty, meaning he looked like he was trying to rear up and throw the rider off. Not good. The wrangler then started whipping his horse with the reins.

Finally, we got going. The ranch was situated on the top of a cliff and on the way down the path, my horse came frightfully close to the edge. I know I’m a paranoid freak, but how could I NOT worry about the smallest misstep? I would have been done for. Anyway, to my surprise, the ride down went ok. Going from the base to the beach, however, was another story: my horse suddenly got down. Wtf? Then, he proceeded to roll on his back. As fast as I could, I got my foot out of the stirrup and stepped back. No way was I gonna have my right leg crushed by some 1000-lb beast! I dunno what was up with my horse. Was I too much of a burden? Needless to say, it was one thing after another. Leave it to me to get an awry horse.

That said, once I got back on and we went along the beach, the experience was beautiful.

Of course, there were other interesting observations… like the blade in my wrangler’s back pocket. Sketchy. And my horse trotted several times, which banged me up pretty badly thanks to my bony ass. Still, that isn’t gonna stop me. I looked up a bunch more horseback riding places. I’m thinking I want to take lessons. Who knows, maybe I’ll even buy a horse! They only cost 1-2 grand. Not bad considering an iPhone is $600.

Sigh. Well, I’m pooped. Boss is back in town and tomorrow is another busy day. Interview tomorrow afternoon. Giving notice July 5 supposedly. I can feel myself chickening out already. I know, I gotta hang tough. Wish me luck!

Last weekend, I decided: it was time to give notice. This arrangement just wasn’t working out. High demand, high stress, and what for? I wasn’t saving lives. Please. The urgency needs to stop. Plus, I’m actually getting responses to my feelers, so things are in the pipeline.

I had planned to submit the letter on Friday (yesterday). On Tuesday, we had two big presentations/demos and then there was a customer visit on Wednesday. He flew back from the East Coast very late Wednesday night, so I figured give him a day or two, and I’d drop the bomb. Then, life got in the way. His father fell ill, was in a coma. In a flash, he was out again on a plane to India Wednesday night.

People say there is never a good time to leave. But I need to say it in person. And while there really isn’t ever a good time, there are certainly better times. John says, I’ll probably piss away the summer by the time I finally cut the cord. Given that we’re practically into July, I suppose he’s right. Still, it’s not as if I’ve got another offer in hand so really, what’s another month or so.

I’ve been feeling noticeably fatigued lately. And to be honest, I’m a bit disappointed: it’s only been 8 months… seems like I should have more stamina than this. Ah but, I am 31 now so perhaps age really is catching up to me.

I had dinner last night with a really cool guy at work. I was out in the haz waste storage area checking on our tanks, and I was having trouble latching the door while propping it up above my head. I felt my arm give out a bit under the strain, and thankfully, Joe had seen me and was already there to assist. As we headed back to the office, he commented that he couldn’t believe I was still there, that a person with my skill set was being so wrongfully abused. Say what? I was stunned. Was I being abused? What was I supposed to be doing with my skill set? Had someone actually been noticing this? His bluntness shocked me, and I had to learn more.

I had talked to him before actually. Like most of the engineers at my company, he’s a total brainiac– MIT Ph.D. track material. But we had one big thing in common: Florida. It was amusing: we both acknowledged that in some bizarre way, we missed the simplicity of life in Florida. Anyway, he is a true adventurer– Peru, Malaysia, New Zealand… on weekends, he just gets in his car and drives east. His trunk is full of gear: tents, skis, snow shoes… it’s amazing. I feel like he’s a kind of person I wish I were. I’m a wannabe minimalist adventurer. I say wannabe because it’s a beautiful day outside, and I’m indoors typing on my lappie. Anyway, we went to dinner and I had a great time. And once again, I was reminded of just how much I miss friendship. These days, real connections are so rare. Sure, part of this is due to lack of effort, but I still think much of it is just plain circumstance. Whatever the story, I miss connections with people.

And talking to this guy was so reaffirming. Some days, I honestly just feel like the CEO’s bitch. Like all my work is just tedious crap that really requires no skill. So I waver between feeling self-doubt and feeling undervalued. But last night, he drew such a clear distinction for me. There’s a difference between what I do and what the office manager does. The office manager takes care of office supplies, HR benefits/enrollment, scheduling interviews with candidates. My job? I coordinate and manage the company’s affairs. Haha, yeah, that’s what he said. I coordinate all the logistical details pertaining to customers and potential customers. The CEO’s the sales person, but I’m the marketing team.

It’s difficult for me to express this realization here, but when he explained that, it made sense, and I suddenly felt appreciated and valued. Coming from someone who actually designs and engineers and builds our product, his comment just made my day. And he even said that I understood the engineering side of things… haha, Mr. MIT said I knew what was going on tech-wise. Aw yeah! Anyway, I guess I’m just saying, it was nice to be acknowledged.

I got a GPS for my birthday. In theory, my lil’ Garmin is the ideal gift. In practice, I’m ready to kill the beotch. Twice now, the voice has led me astray. First, I had a meeting with a vendor. The vendor was only about 3 miles away. Unfortunately, Fremont is under crazy construction. I think there’s a huge ball field going in or something. Anyway, one of the main overpasses that crosses I-880 is gone. Like totally no longer there. Of course, that was precisely the thoroughfare I was told to get on. I kept turning onto other roads, thinking the voice was recalculate the route and redirect me. Nope. Jesus, I must have made 6 u-turns. Was an absolute fucking nightmare. Felt like such an idiot arriving late to an office that was only a couple miles away.

Well I still didn’t learn my lesson. Because today, I had to send something via certified mail. Looked up post office on my system. Whatya know? Directed me to some Post office warehouse where they don’t even sell postage. And then the post office my friend drove me to the other day? Yes, the one whose location I had already forgotten? It didn’t even come up on the damn directory. Spent 90 minutes searching for the damn post office today. Next time? Google maps + GPS beotch. Hate the necessary redundancy. What’s the frickin’ point?

In other news, today started off pretty badly. I got an email from my ghetto property manager. Apparently, they/I haven’t been paying the home owner association dues for the last YEAR!! Now I am super anal about paying bills and tracking all my expenses, so this notice threw me into a tizzy. I called my prop manager, and Jesus Christ, I don’t know why I still pay his sorry ass. Denial, denial, denial. Said they never pay assocation dues. Company policy. Bullshit, they paid mine. Insisted they never received the invoices even though the association has mailed out at least four (quarterly) in the last year AND the address on file matches their business. So yeah, you mean to tell me all those bills got lost? Round and round in circles. I was so pissed, I started shaking. I know, I need to get a goddamn grip of myself. And I was at work too. I even made my cube mates uncomfortable. Whatever, man. I was livid. I was like, “So what are you telling me, Tim?” I mean, come on. Customer service basics. They hadn’t done squat. You’d think step 1 would be for them to call the association and explain that they never received the correspondence. Had they called? Nope. In fact, when I suggested he call, he told me it was my responsibility. Uh, hello? You’re my property manager. I was living overseas. All correspondence went to you. I dunno if this is some reflection of my pissy ass emotional/mental state or what but HOLY FUCKING SHIT! Come again? I know this sounds like corporate bullshit lingo, but seriously, people who do not own up to their responsibilities? They have to die. Just fucking die! Drives me insane. Then he was supposed to call me back. Did he? Nope. Sent me an email. Now I am very familiar with that game, and that game doesn’t fly. But at least he reported back on some research. They still insist they didn’t get the info. Meanwhile, after all the finance charges and attorney fees are said and done, I’m fucking $1200 in the hole. Yup, the association went to the damn lawyers because of the length of the deliquency. And the retarded thing is, I’m a goody-goody to the bone and now in one fell swoop, my prop manager has shitted all over my clean record. WTF? Some of you may think I’m overreacting, but let me tell you: this is the last straw. This isn’t even the start of it. Honestly, between me posting my own “For Rent” ads, and me researching/selecting the best deal on the stove, and me researching fair rental prices for the area, I’m practically my own damn prop manager anyway. Half ass. Nothing irks me more.

I had gotten into work early even. I spent all my time that I had originally planned to dedicate to my training packge, on calling the HOA to get this sorted. Then I drafted a letter to petition the HOA board of directors requesting that they waive the late fees. I was so angry, I actually thought about packing up and going home. Yes, my temper was a flarin’. I really need to get that shit under control. And the very first step towards recovery will be the severing of ties. Yup. Gotta do it. You should have read the last major dispute. The dude copped major ‘tude with me. Was bad, and this is beyond the point of no return.

This weekend has been good… not much human interaction (in person), but I’m enjoying the me time. For one, I’m catching up on my blogging which is extremely cathartic. Also, I managed to rollerblade (with the dogs), swim, and get a massage all in one day.

I’ve been getting up early too… going to bed at grandma hours, but starting off when the air is still crisp. I’m feeling better today. Yesterday I was my usual curmudgeony self– disgruntled and angry, but the swim did wash away some of the crankiness.

Now that we’re on the topic of family, I have more to say. I must confess, I just don’t feel that connected to them– the brother, the parents, the extended family in Taiwan. And frankly, I’m tired of society making me feel like I’m the freak. I’m not going to feign connectedness or intimacy. Granted, at this point in my life, I’m probably the least connected to people (in general) than I’ve ever been, but my point is, why do people force this whole “family ties” thing down the throat? Reminds me of those bullshit parental consent abortion laws… I don’t know what kind of world those policymakers are living in, but they insist that every young woman has responsible and involved parents with whom she shares a close, genuine, and trusting relationship. Whatever. When priests are molesting boys, fathers are raping daughters, and young adults are being trained/ordered to torture and kill, you know the world is far from perfect. So let’s just stop the charades, and save everyone the damn trouble.

Johnny sent me an email for my birthday. In his latest process of self discovery and personal transformation, he’s embracing Nichiren Buddhism. Says the chanting helps channel all his negative feelings and emotions. Says he’s changing for the better, and he suggested I try it. My response? Fuck off. Religion is not going to erase, much less stop, the lifelong turmoil and distress he has caused the family. And I hate to say it, but my uncle supposedly had a religious awakening a decade ago (he’s now a monk). He’s still a leech, and his daughter doesn’t even speak to him. That’s what I’m saying: the words and the actions have to fucking align. I’m in goddamn sales and marketing. I know bullshit when I see it.

It’s not even the money issue. I mean, if my parents want to blow dough on him, that’s their prerogative. For me, it’s the emotional manipulation. The verbal promises claiming that he has changed, that he has gained awareness, that he truly cares. The parents can eat that shit up all they want. I will not be fooled.

Anyway, the email just annoyed the crap out of me. First, my dad was copied on the email. What the hell, an intervention for me now? Then, Johnny goes on to say that, in his new and improved form, he’s helped our extended family. In what way, I have no idea. Given that my relatives are, to varying degrees, racist, elitist (obsessed with having a doctor in the family and in each generation), and now homophobic, I’m curious exactly how he has helped them see more clearly. Do you see how pissed I am about this whole thing?

I awoke at 6 am today and spent about 4 hours in the car. Driving is the worst setting for all this emotional, self-reflection bullshit. I know that I need to be honest with myself too. The job is not working out. I need to just say that and move on. And I realize that in my liberal stance on many issues, I am in fact quite intolerant of other views, particularly when they conflict with mine. But how am I to get over that? Is the correct position to simply agree to disagree? Why do I get so worked up when my family holds views different from mine? The hypocrisy just eats away at me. Not just from them, from me, from the world. There’s too much damn gray.

I canceled Netflix. They’re a “blue” company, but they disappointed. We received so many scratched, unplayable DVDs. I switched over to Blockbuster, who is staunchly “red.” Blockbuster costs the same but has the added convenience of renting from the store. My decision to switch is bothering me. I know, it’s one stupid little membership that costs like $10/month. It’s nothing; yet my choice, given what I know and for something as utterly unnecessary as MORE TV, just doesn’t feel acceptable. … I mean, do I need to watch 5-10 movies each month? What is the consequence of my selection?

I saw Fast Food Nation the other day. Everything is linked: immigration policies, unfair labor conditions, cheap nutrient-deficient food, animal abuse, rape of the land, making money, serving the insatiable American appetite, feeding the working class… What am I doing? I’m trying to have my cake and to eat it too.

I also watched A Crude Awakening. Why am I working 30 miles from where I live? I live in the artificial, manicured, oblivious-freakin’ suburbs. And in the last week, I’ve met so many people who commute 1 hour each way for work. Why are so many of us doing this? Why are we working 10-12 hours and commuting another 1-2 hours? What is this for?

When my parents visited, my father asked us: For your generation, what is the purpose and goal of your life? I didn’t have an answer. After some thought, it seemed that my purpose is to pass time until it’s all over. Try to spend my time doing things that are meaningful to me and hopefully helpful to someone else. But am I doing that now? Mostly, I am just passing time. And now it seems maybe 31 years hasn’t passed quickly enough.

What’s the purpose and goal of his life? Answer seems simple: to provide a good life for his family. I didn’t even ask him his question. I know that’s his answer.

So where to go from here? I don’t know. Maybe I think too much. I watched Grand Canyon last night. People are but a tiny speck on the world stage… still, if we don’t treat our actions as anything more than trivial, what’s the point at all?

I lead a very lucky life. The least I can do is to live it responsibly and honestly. I’m going to take a swim in the pool. I hope I see clearer afterwards.