[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CizN-DvGhrc]

My gal Lainey did a write-up about Ang Lee’s must-hyped film “Lust, Caution” starring Tony Leung and Tang Wei. This film is going to disturb the shit out of me with all the love, duty, sex, betrayal mind games, but I’m falling for the hype. Opens September 28. Bring on the sleepless nights! Check out the trailer.

I’ve gone through a lot of jobs, so in many ways, I consider myself an expert in workplace assessments. Hee, hee. You see, I’ve developed a mental checklist. My hypothesis is that I can determine the compatibility of a new job fairly quickly (say, within one week) based on just a few key items:

Prior to the start date
1. Is the job description and benefits information comprehensive and organized? Is HR knowledgeable?
2. Do the decision makers listen to my requests? Do they attempt to accommodate my concerns?

On the first day
3. Is my desk set up? Do they hook me up with supplies? Are the file drawers empty of other people’s crap?
3. Is my computer set up? Does it have the basic productivity software? Is my email account ready? Is my Dreamweaver/Adobe/MS software an acceptable version (i.e., within the last year or two)?
4. Are there orientation materials?
5. Do I get introduced to everyone?
6. Do they take me out to lunch?
7. Do I get the key/badge/timecard?
8. Do I get QT with my boss?
9. Does my phone work?

These are just some of the basic questions that run through my head in the beginning. And they sound pretty simple, but you would be amazed how many places don’t have this shit down on Day 1. Seriously. And maybe you think this is a silly list. That the items are frivolous. I argue otherwise: it’s all in the details. These are all clues.

And I gotta say, my newest place is doing well. They even bought me the latest version of Dreamweaver. Totally exceeded my expectation– how cool is that? And the HR/orientation stuff is so organized. Professional binders, printed dividers, the works. I’m impressed. Good sign.

My boss wasn’t able to take me out to lunch my first day, but he came and told me why. And another team person took me out. See? Classy. My boss seems pretty cool. Friendly, approachable, easy-going. Still, I know it’s early.

So the thing is, well, last night, I came across an interesting page. And now I’m all weirded out. I know, people say personal life is personal life, but to be honest, I don’t really believe that. I feel that people should be accountable for all actions, and all of it ties together. I didn’t buy the personal/professional segmentation for ex-Pres Clinton, and I’m inclined to react similarly here. Sure, I don’t have the full story, but you already know I have issues. I’ve admitted that I’m a prude about the whole concept of casual sex. Yes, when both parties consent, I know it’s their choice, blah, blah. In this case though, the two parties are on different pages. And there’s all this infidelity and deception. Huge hot buttons. And so, I can’t help but feel icky. I mean, if all is true, a jerk is a jerk, right? You can’t be a jerk at home and a sincere person at work, can you? Fuck. I don’t know. I mean, I think about who I am at work and who I am at home. Yes, I cuss like a sailor at home and with friends. And I throw a massive temper tantrum/cussfest when my parents/brother piss the crap out of me… does that mean I’m also guilty of duplicity? I don’t know. I just feel like honesty is really important–probably most important in your personal relationships. And if your partner can’t/shouldn’t trust you, how can other people? Sigh. It’s late now, and I’m getting delirious. Need to sleep on this. I think I’m going to have a problem with the icky feeling. I was on an early roll. Too good to be true?

I’ve gone through a lot of jobs, so in many ways, I consider myself an expert in workplace assessments. Hee, hee. You see, I’ve developed a mental checklist. My hypothesis is that I can determine the compatibility of a new job fairly quickly (say, within one week) based on just a few key items:

Prior to the start date
1. Is the job description and benefits information comprehensive and organized? Is HR knowledgeable?
2. Do the decision makers listen to my requests? Do they attempt to accommodate my concerns?

On the first day
3. Is my desk set up? Do they hook me up with supplies? Are the file drawers empty of other people’s crap?
3. Is my computer set up? Does it have the basic productivity software? Is my email account ready? Is my Dreamweaver/Adobe/MS software an acceptable version (i.e., within the last year or two)?
4. Are there orientation materials?
5. Do I get introduced to everyone?
6. Do they take me out to lunch?
7. Do I get the key/badge/timecard?
8. Do I get QT with my boss?
9. Does my phone work?

These are just some of the basic questions that run through my head in the beginning. And they sound pretty simple, but you would be amazed how many places don’t have this shit down on Day 1. Seriously. And maybe you think this is a silly list. That the items are frivolous. I argue otherwise: it’s all in the details. These are all clues.

And I gotta say, my newest place is doing well. They even bought me the latest version of Dreamweaver. Totally exceeded my expectation– how cool is that? And the HR/orientation stuff is so organized. Professional binders, printed dividers, the works. I’m impressed. Good sign.

My boss wasn’t able to take me out to lunch my first day, but he came and told me why. And another team person took me out. See? Classy. My boss seems pretty cool. Friendly, approachable, easy-going. Still, I know it’s early.

So the thing is, well, last night, I came across an interesting page. And now I’m all weirded out. I know, people say personal life is personal life, but to be honest, I don’t really believe that. I feel that people should be accountable for all actions, and all of it ties together. I didn’t buy the personal/professional segmentation for ex-Pres Clinton, and I’m inclined to react similarly here. Sure, I don’t have the full story, but you already know I have issues. I’ve admitted that I’m a prude about the whole concept of casual sex. Yes, when both parties consent, I know it’s their choice, blah, blah. In this case though, the two parties are on different pages. And there’s all this infidelity and deception. Huge hot buttons. And so, I can’t help but feel icky. I mean, if all is true, a jerk is a jerk, right? You can’t be a jerk at home and a sincere person at work, can you? Fuck. I don’t know. I mean, I think about who I am at work and who I am at home. Yes, I cuss like a sailor at home and with friends. And I throw a massive temper tantrum/cussfest when my parents/brother piss the crap out of me… does that mean I’m also guilty of duplicity? I don’t know. I just feel like honesty is really important–probably most important in your personal relationships. And if your partner can’t/shouldn’t trust you, how can other people? Sigh. It’s late now, and I’m getting delirious. Need to sleep on this. I think I’m going to have a problem with the icky feeling. I was on an early roll. Too good to be true?

Bubs and I returned from Hawaii late last week. We had a relaxing time despite spending far too much time in the damn car. We basically drove the entire perimeter of the Big Island. And just a side note: never again will we use Alamo rental car. Jesus Christ! We’re fed up with their deceptive tactics at their self check-in kiosks. Complete bullshit with their crap interface that pre-selects ALL the options (i.e. added costs) even though I had already refused every single one of them at the time of booking. So freaking annoying. Plus, I had booked a zippy compact. When we arrived, apparently all of them were rented already (what was the point of the reservation then??). We ended up with a full-size grampa car: the Chevy Impala. Yup, a total old geezer boat of a car.

But back to the trip. Despite these minor irritations, the vacay was a pleasant getaway. We even met up and hung with my former FMF web buds. How random was that? We hadn’t seen each other in years.

Overall, our trip consisted of checking out several beaches (white sand and black sand), although “beach” is somewhat of a stretch– the shores are more like narrow strips of sand but whatever. We also hiked in the Volcano National Park (unfortunately, no lava sightings), stayed at a really cool B&B in Volcano Village, toured some beautiful waterfalls north of Hilo, and snorkeled the last day in resort lagoons. The Priceline booking actually worked out well: we got a decent unit at the Big Island Disney (aka the Hilton compound in Waikoloa). Not too shabby. And the coolest part of the trip? John and I swam with 4 sea turtles in the lagoon! I almost ran into one, and man, those guys are surprisingly fast! A few times I looked away for just a couple seconds, and when I looked back, they were gone. Snorkeling was awesome! Especially for crappy swimmers like Bubs and me, the shallow waters of the lagoon were perfect.

I wrote a ton of Yelp reviews for Hawaii– yes, I wrote them WHILE on vacation. What else was I to do when Bubbey knocked out at 9pm every night? Shrug.

On our flight home, John and I hoped that time had abated the skunk stench. We got our answer as soon as the front door swung open, and that god-awful air swooshed its way into the pits of our lungs. Ugh! Damn bastard skunk! Fucking idiot dogs.

I know, bad attitude. But hey, it only lasted a minute: my babies were excited to see us! In the end, who could resist their cute wet noses and happy tails? Yeah, I got sucked in pretty easily. Was definitely good to be home.

Just got back from a deep tissue massage. Three weeks of unemployment and my neck/back is still all fucked up. I don’t understand it, really. Must be the way I sleep. Or too much time with lappie. I don’t know. What I do know is that Brittany has THE strongest fingers on Earth, and she blasts the living beJesus out of the knots in my back. So painful and yet so necessary. I’m hooked, and this shit is getting scheduled as a biweekly expense.

That means, I’m back to playing my game. Ok fine, I never stopped playing my game but hey, my activities are adding up: massages, trips, horseback riding… I ain’t cheap. Time to pull out all the stops. First step? The cable bill.

Yup. That frickin’ invoice is insane. $150/month for unlimited hours of couch vegetation. Of course, we’re not ready just yet to pull the plug on HBO, so I called Comcast to assess the deal. First of all, I want this broken shit fixed: I’m tired of the damn DVR recording shows I didn’t tell it to record. Second, the menu is all messed up. It says my show comes on Fridays at 2pm, but does it? Nope. Fuckers. Third, the rates are over-the-top. Sure, I get hundreds of channels but really, I only want five. Do they give me that option? Nope.

Anyway, I got the menu mismatch fixed. As for the bill, it just so happens Comcast is running a cable promo for existing customers. Plus, I found another promo for the broadband. End result? $95/month. Serious savings. Aw yeah. Now shouldn’t they tell all their customers about these promos?

Oh, I almost forgot. Some of my latest cheapie discoveries.
Glassy Eyes–Shattering the Eyeglasses Scam
Frames Direct (for crazy cheap Acuvue contact lenses)
Cartridge World
Visa discounts

You know, Bubs and I were having a nice night out yesterday. I’d completed my first riding lesson (which went very well despite the certain bruising I will get on my bum), and we had just finished scarfing down some rolls at Sushi Monster. Life was good. We had the pups along for the ride, and we were about ready to call it a night.

Usually, I leave the pups off leash from the car to the house. Well yesterday, Martin caught the scent of a critter. Remy was practically on our doorstep when she heard Martin chasing something along the community fence. She ran to join him, and for the next several seconds, they were hot on the trail of this mystery beast. They were deep in the brush, totally ignoring my calls to come. Finally, they cornered the animal. What the hell was it?

Suddenly, Martin started thrashing his head left and right. I thought he’d caught something in his mouth. Then it appeared. Two feet before me: a skunk with it’s tail raised. By then the damaged had already been done. Martin started rubbing around in the lawn like crazy. Remy continued to pursue, and then she too got sprayed. Both dogs, totally blasted. In the face.

Have you ever smelled a skunk? Jesus fucking Christ! Our initial reaction was to hose them down outside. But, to get to our patio, they have to go through the house. Well, la dee da. On their fucking way to the yard, both my angels rubbed themselves silly on our carpets. Blah, blah, I hosed them down and dried upstairs. Meanwhile, John started researching the de-skunking process. Hydrogen peroxide, baking soda, liquid soap. Fuck, fuck, check. He ran out to the store. Somehow the smell had gotten on him too, because people at the store gave him weird looks. Twenty minutes later, he was back. We did the dip. Seemed to work some. By now, the entire house was bombed. I wonder if this will be a natural fumigant (?) for our ant problem… Anyway, we didn’t sleep well at all. John insists he awoke with a sore throat. Such a drama queen.

So this morning, John walked into work. A few minutes later, he called asking me to pick him up. He stunk, and his coworkers told him to go home. Are you fucking kidding me? I mean, yes it stinks but it’s not as if it smells like a sewage plant or anything…

Anyway, I headed to the pet store where I picked up some Nature’s Miracle. I’ve always heard great things about their products. Some secret non-toxic sauce with enzymes. I need to buy their stock. Came home, poured that stuff into a spray bottle and started spraying away. Whole house is sprayed. I’m heading over to Fonda’s for lunch, and then when I return, that’ll be the true test. Meanwhile, Bubs is off to Starbucks or somewhere to get some work done. He’s got a customer meeting tomorrow– I hope he’ll be fully de-skunked by then.

Bo Jackson, of course. Well that’s what Bubs calls me anyway following a weekend of intense cross-training. Ok, total overstatement, but for sloths like us, this was definitely activity level high: swimming, rollerblading, walking, hiking, gardening/yard work… We went to REI, and I finally got that presta to schraeder valve adaptor for my bike tire. Dusted off the cobwebs, pumped air into the tires, oiled the gears. I also tended to my worm bin, which is doing well. The worms still need to kick it to high gear, but I had plenty of soil amendment for planting our herbs and seeds.

As usual, I also did my daily cleaning, laundry, and cooking. It’s practically routine now. I was complaining to Bubbey last night that I haven’t eaten out since I quit my job last month. That’s right: three weeks and counting. Thai chicken wraps, homemade egg mcmuffins, turkey sandwiches, beef and onions, chicken and vegetables, lime-cilantro chicken, ground turkey sloppy joes, pork chops, pasta, heirloom tomato salads… I am craving Sushi Monster and Windy City Pizza like a frickin’ dope fiend.

Frankly, the exercising (especially the swimming) is making me eat like a pig. That plus it’s hormone week. Here’s what I bought at the supermarket yesterday: chocolate chip muffins, tres leches cake, AND key lime pie. And I consumed 2 of the 3 last night. See? Full-on attack. Ah well, might as well plump up for my trip to Hawaii!! That’s right, John and I are headed to the Big Island this Saturday for five nights. Last week, United sent out an email blast saying there were open seats from SFO-KOA (Kona). Like a total sucker, I clicked through, popped in our data, and minutes later, we were booked for Hawaii. Luckily, we were able to use frequent flyer miles. Aw yeah!

So last week was all about travel planning and research: car, hotel, B&B, kayak place, blah, blah. I know, I am totally obsessive compulsive, so my research is way too time-consuming. But hey, time is something I have these days, so I might as well.

The plan is to stick on the Big Island: two nights on the Kona beach side south of the resort area, two nights tucked away in the Volcano National Park, and the final night back to Kona but in the resort area. This is my first time testing out Priceline… I know, many people have gone on and on about Priceline. Me? In the past, I searched it for cars and hotels, but the rates were higher than booking directly. Plus, they offer no cancellation/refunds. This time I did the “name your price” for the hotel, so we’ll see how that pans out.

In other news, I checked out a couple riding stables in Portola Valley. I’m finally biting the bullet: first lesson starts tonight. Everyone knows I’m obsessed with dogs now, but when I was a kid, my first love was with horses. I must’ve read the horses section of the World Book Encyclopedia a million times. Knew all about the grooming and tack and Western vs. English styles.

I am really psyched, because the ranch is near my new place of employment. Plus, there are a bunch of horse trails in the open spaces. Wish me luck. I hope I’m a fast learner. One day, I’ll ride like a true cowgirl. Sigh.

I’ve already started pricing out my gear. See how my OCD spreads into everything I do? John says I should be a Consumer Reports researcher. I think he’s glad my job starts soon, because he says he doesn’t like being micromanaged by the task master at home. Hey, I’m just doing my duty: we’re only 31 years old, James and Jen really showed us up. Seriously, we need to get our shit in gear.

Speaking of gear, check out the dogs sportin’ their hiking backpack. That’s right, I’m putting them to work! They can carry their own damn water!

John and I celebrated our 11-year anniversary last Thursday. I know, am I an old geezer or what? Sigh. Sags and wrinkles just around the corner. I know, can I be any more vain?

So we caught the first flight out of SFO to PDX. Portland is a cool city, and we hit it during the best time of the year. Lush, green, clean, stunning. I booked us in the swanky Westin downtown. Location was superb and the bathroom was the size of my home office, but still, I was not impressed. Only gave them three stars on Yelp. Yup, you gotta really work to get four or five stars out of me. I mean, please. I’m forking over some major dough. Don’t penny pinch me for every little thing, especially when Red Roof offers that shit for free. So annoying. Yes, we paid for the extras but only because John got the magic anniversary pass. Any other time? Forget it, mister. Anyway, the service was lame too. Talk about a slap in the face, I booked the reservation in my name on my card, so who do they put into their database? Ms. J.E. Yes, at least they used Ms. instead of Mrs., but hello? I have my own first name and last name. Seriously, that shit should not slide for a freakin’ 5-star hotel. Get with the program. I know, maybe you don’t understand the severity of this incompetence. There are additional details, but long story short, I tried to correct their mistake in person. I practically spoon-fed them. They STILL got it wrong. Whatever, man. Three stars. No more.

Otherwise, Portland was fun. We met up with my buddy Jenny from Shanghai. We went kayaking down the Columbia River. I signed us up for the beginner tour, but I still got my ass whipped. Three hours and on top of that, Jenny and I wasted the first 15 minutes stuck in the loading area (crashing into things), because we couldn’t figure out how to steer and work the rudder at the same time. The guide came back for us, but then off he went again. We spent the rest of the time trying to catch up with the group. I know, we really were pathetic. I’m just glad we did the kayak tour before buying a craft for home. I had considered getting a kayak for John and me to paddle around in the nearby lagoons, but after the outing? Shit. We’ll just join the REI outing. That stuff is too much work. Plus, I still prefer skating. 😉

Saturday and Sunday we headed to the Oregon coast. Jenny’s hubby James ran in the Hood to Coast (Mt. Hood to the OR Coast), this insane 225-miles-in-24-hours relay event sponsored by Nike (based in OR). There were 1000 teams of 12. I had no idea the US even had 12,000 runners! Nuts if you ask me. We drove to the coast and met James when he came in. Better he than I.

Astoria was a quiet, restful place. Very small, somewhat industrial (reminded both of us of Pittsburgh), peaceful, slow, and beautiful. We went up to the famed Astoria column, where I was once again reminded of my fear of heights. I got really stressed ascending the stairs. I don’t know what this new phobia is about, but it’s pissing me off. Makes me feel mentally unstable. In due time, I made it to the top. The views were totally worth it. My phobia is going to have to take a back seat though. I’m signing up for a beginner’s rock climbing course at the local gym. I’ll let you know how I cope.

Sunday rolled around pretty quickly. As is now the norm with many air departures, our flight was late. All in all, the trip was a grand time, but I was definitely happy to get back to the pups. I can only go a few days without petting their rabbit-soft ears. Yup, I’m a sucker for my pups.

I am so thrilled– I got the Open Space job! Yup, the race went down to the wire, but I came out on top. So psyched, especially since the interview process for this media writer/web content coordinator position was a bear: resume, supplemental questions, recruiter interview, 3-person panel inquisition, 4-person panel inquisition, compensation talk, formal offer. Yup, they kept me guessing until the very end. Seriously, I went in two weeks ago (after the second panel interview) to meet with HR and the Public Affairs Manager. Even then, neither stated that I got the job. They just said they were concerned, because I’d make less than my current salary. So we did the salary discussion, and the next day, I got a call followed by a formal offer. I couldn’t believe it: they actually took into account the issues I raised. And on top of that, I was pleasantly surprised that they deviated from standard protocol (new hires start at the bottom step of their salary grade/range) to offer me one step below the max. Now is that classy or what? Definitely a good sign. Of course Bubbey reserves all judgment until my desk and computer are revealed. My hubby’s a smart man, eh?

I’m just happy I got the gig. I mean, this whole thing started back in June! And man, had I lost it to another, I would have been beyond pissed. Really. I mean, the amount of prep plus all those days cutting out early from work… Hurray, hurray! Now I can finally stop looking at all the damn job ads. What a relief!

So I start in mid-September. I’m taking some time off to relax, cook (I’m trying), clean, plan trips, and party. It’s like the new me all over again.

Of course, leave it to me to revert to my stupid ways… You see, like a true moron who just doesn’t learn from past mistakes, I volunteered to be a hair model again. Got partial highlights. Over-developed, unevenly colored, you name it. Salvageable but yes, I promise now that I will never be a hair model again. I think I’ll head to Ulta tomorrow to get black again. I know, at this rate my hair is going to fall out.

John and I were in L.A. last weekend hanging with his sister Susan, who just turned 30. Susan is the total opposite of me: tall, gorgeous, super fit, ultra stylish, great job, tons of friends, millions of suitors. Sure, she’s single and her dogs aren’t Angels on Earth, but still, she’s happy. And I don’t begrudge her happiness. It’s just that her life is so different from mine. Seriously, we arrived at her apartment, and the entire kitchen counter was covered with b-day gifts, flowers, chocolates… the works. It was as if I had entered The Hills… I mean, who gets all that stuff for her birthday? Well anyway, that was just the beginning.

So Friday morning, she went to work. In the afternoon we braved the Friday get-off-work-early traffic and drove down to San Diego (Del Mar Racetrack) for the horse races. Yup, same racetrack where my buddies Nick and Jessica went (I know, I’m like five years behind… Newlyweds is so over). It was hot as fuck outside, but I enjoyed seeing the horses. Really brought back some childhood memories– as a kid, I was totally obsessed with horses. I practically had the horse section of the World Book Encyclopedia burned into my brain. Anyway, the animals were beautiful– so muscular and lean and gorgeous. Too bad I couldn’t touch them. We bet on a few of the races, and while some of my picks placed, we didn’t win squat.

After an entire afternoon of racing, we stuck around for the Cake concert. John and Susan complained that the sound system sucked and the music was inaudible, but frankly, the volume was just my speed (read: not deafening). Unfortunately, the lawn was packed and stupid fucks stepped into some food and then proceeded to step on my feet. Yes, I wore flip flops so as you can imagine, my toes got slathered with some nasty shit. Felt so disgusting. Then in front of me, a pack of kids kept passing around their pipe. You’d be proud: I didn’t flip out– at least not externally. Internally, I was going ballistic. Seriously, food getting smushed into my toes and then the smell of pot all around me? Ugh! On top of that, I didn’t even recognize any of the damn songs. I know, I’m such a fucking dinosaur.

Thankfully, Susan was annoyed by the low volume. Plus there were some really obnoxious kids surrounding her, so we jetted out early. The evening ended off well with a visit to Melting Pot. Yup, a tub of cheese around 10 pm. Gotta love indulgence.

I was definitely a bit apprehensive about this trip. Originally, I had planned to hang out with my Shanghai buddy Pamela, who was supposed to be in SoCal scoping out Irvine as her next place to live. Unfortunately, her mom-in-law passed away, so her trip got delayed… Totally understandable, but such a bummer for me. I knew ahead of time that things would be a little awkward with me being dorkus maximus and hanging out with cool kid Susan… And Susan is really nice– a wonderful hostess, but you know, she’s a social butterfly. Always has stuff going on. And she and her friends are big drinkers/partiers. Needless to say, there was a lot of boozing. And since I’m a zippo-light drinker, I felt a bit out of place. I know, I’m so socially awkward.

Regardless, John and I did hit the beach. The sun was crazy strong, so we tried not to stay out too long. On Saturday, Susan took us to the Sawdust Art Fair. We drank beer and listened to a really good musician/guitarist. Susan was so sweet: she even requested a song: Over the Rainbow, which we played in our wedding slideshow. Like a true sucker, I cried. Surprise, surprise. But not because of wedding nostalgia: I cried for the obese singer who died… Yup. Issues.

Saturday night we went to dinner with Susan’s friends. After that, we hit a comedy club. Was good. I forget the guy’s name, but he did awesome imitations of Dubya. On Sunday, John and I ate an an awesome little dive brunch spot (Yelp, I love you!). In the afternoon, we caught Superbad. Entertaining.

All in all a very packed weekend. The time off was not relaxing at all. And this Thursday, we’re heading out to Portland. Insane. Yeah, you just try to keep up with us jet setters. Ha!