Recently, I’ve realized that in the last six years, while Bubbey has worked so much, there have been multiple phases where I felt really touched/grateful/connected to certain guys. I should state up front that all of these relationships were/are purely platonic… but they were very special connections nonetheless.
Back in 2006, when I was at the fuel cell startup working a lot and Bubs was working a lot, I’d lost 10 lbs from the stress and I was so exhausted everyday working 12+ hrs. I was at the office really late one night, and I had to lift this super heavy dumpster lid and then slide a full 55-gal drum underneath. I was straining up on my tiptoes to get the lid high enough and my waist was hurting, and I reached for the drum and suddenly, the lid got light. J appeared out of nowhere and was there holding up the lid. Literally, he was like an angel who appeared to help me. Afterwards, walking back to the office he said all this stuff about how hard I worked at such a tough job and and how I was so undervalued. I remember that oftentimes, I would tell John how I felt like a glorified secretary– like the CEO’s bitch. He would agree. But J– J said I was like a VP of client relations: my job wasn’t admin bullshit– I was the first impression (through cold calls) and I was also the contact person throughout each project. He said I was executive level. It was amazing to have someone value me that way. I mean, for 8 months, I had worked like a dog and no one ever seemed to notice/help and suddenly, I realized that someone WAS noticing and he had actually been watching all along, acknowledging that I was really great at my job. That ONE moment bonded me to J forever.
And then with D, there was this period where I felt like all I ever got from John was “no” or resistance or lack of enthusiasm about activities. D signed up for Goldstar when I sent him the link; he signed up for Dropbox when I sent him that link. It’s like the silliest, smallest things and yet they were gestures that I appreciated because wow, someone actually bothered to join or subscribe just because that $1 Goldstar referral credit or 5 GB of free Dropbox space made me happy. And D, even if he was flaky at times, he always seemed to appreciate my researching of new things to do. He seemed to genuinely consider every offer while John only seemed to hope/pray for someone else to step forward as an activity buddy so he didn’t have to do things with me.
And now with J at work… I had been so upset about our friend being in the hospital. And I was so stressed with John trying to weasel out of every visit to the hospital because he was tired and the situation was socially uncomfortable. Then for someone to see visibly that I was preoccupied– and for him to ask me what was wrong. I didn’t even know J that well, but he remembered that I liked Adam Levine. After I had that meltdown in his office, later that day, he emailed me that he was listening to an Adam Levine interview on the radio…
What does John do to cheer me up? Does he even see anymore when I am upset? Does he see that HE upsets me? Clearly, it doesn’t take much for me to feel appreciated/noticed, and yet he has to be prodded and reminded. I have to be on the verge of a flipout before he stops to think.
I had a very public meltdown on Sunday evening. Yeah, we went to a new park for picnicking Sunday afternoon and well, I know our anniversary isn’t until the day after tomorrow, but it became very apparent to me that he had forgotten. Like last week, I got us tickets to War Horse and made dinner reservations at a new place to try… ON THE EXACT DATE. He didn’t say anything except that maybe 5:30 p.m. for dinner in SF was too early to leave work– maybe 6 or 6:30 p.m. would be better. So I said, I wanted to have a nice dinner without rushing around before the show. Then on Saturday, he asked me if I was free any other night this week— my heart lifted thinking maybe he remembered and wanted to plan something, but it was just to go out for his sister’s birthday. So anyway, at the park, I said that he doesn’t even remember important dates anymore. And then I just started sobbing uncontrollably. In the fucking park for like 15 minutes. I wanted to cancel the stupid dinner reservations, cancel the theater tickets. He had the goddamn nerve to give me some bullshit like it doesn’t count and it’s not fair because it’s not even the day yet and that he would have remembered. Um, when? When the calendar appointment that I put in gcal pops up at midnight on August 23? Fuck you.
That’s when I went shopping at Target afterwards. Who fucking cares. I’ll buy out the goddamn store. Red pants, pink pants, another sweater, whatever. Later, when I got home, he just said he was sorry he made me cry and he wanted to try to be a better hubby. Yeah, same old bullshit. Don’t try, just do.
Meanwhile, I mention karaoke party for the day before Labor Day to J at work, and he says he can’t make it: it’s his son’s bday. Wow, weeks in advance and he remembers an important date. Imagine that. The weird thing is, I told my manager about the picnic incident the next day, and he was like trying to tell me it doesn’t mean anything that John forgot. That it doesn’t mean he loves me less. I made some comment like well, I guess I do care a lot about these details, like dates, and he said, “well, it’s not really about forgetting the date. It’s not really about that.” And a light went off… exactly!!! Months ago, just like it wasn’t about him tying on the stupid bracelet, it’s not about the date. I mean, all morning Saturday, John’s harassing me about getting more clothes from Lululemon, because they look great on me. And I keep telling him that I don’t want to spend crazy dough on workout clothes!!! That I like buying clothes for work/everyday. He’s so fucking dense. Seriously, we’re like debating the whole thing back and forth… as if spending $100 on something I wouldn’t buy myself is his way of valuing me??? Uh hello, the whole week before, I’ve been obsessed with the uke. Did he ever think to just buy me a fucking $50 uke? Nope, I had to order it myself. That’s what I’m talking about. He just doesn’t get me. Whatever.
Yeah, I dunno what the thing is about the guy attention. It’s not even like I flirt with them or I want them… I just feel really chummy with them. I’ve been thinking about it more, and my conclusion is that the whole time, John tries to argue that my expectations are too high, that I’m too needy, that the Notebook is just a fluffy unrealistic Hollywood film. But to me, these guys demonstrate how the Notebook is real. Now obviously, I’m not in a relationship with any of them, and maybe they are different when they are in a romance, but still, they show how guys can listen and be emotionally available and they can still just pay attention.
Maybe with women, it’s more expected: I get a lot of support from all my girlfriends (thankfully); but in the end, who wants to listen to me complain about my shitty marriage when everyone else has great relationships? With guys, they just get snippets that John works a lot but they don’t dwell on it. They kinda do this thing where they pick up on things that make me happy and ask about that stuff– hobbies, interests, biking, whatever. I dunno. Like J from the startup always compliments what I wear— I mean sometimes he shares too much about my whole makeup thing but really, it’s about paying attention and really observing. You know? And in a way, I’ve also lost attentive Joe. He and I used to talk a lot at Oorja. Then he met the wife and they got married and I mean, we don’t have long overly analytic talks anymore. Now, he emails John instead and wants to do BBC stuff. It’s ok, but it’s just another example of something special that is lost. I guess my former coworker was right. I don’t like breaking up with people, bc I always remember “that time when…” My memory is what gives me hope for the future, but it’s also what reminds me of pain– often. I don’t forget how emotionally dead John responds to my needs. I don’t forget how sometimes I cry about us and instead of holding me, he just gets up and leaves the room.