Category Archives: Travel

Packing it in!

J and I arrived in DC Thursday night. The next morning, I had a second in-person interview with the environmental nonprofit in downtown DC. Due to nerves and my usual insomnia, I had trouble sleeping Thursday evening, and then I was up early again Friday morning. There was some kind of train delay on the metro, but it was waay early. So we had breakfast with the in-laws. Every time I go back to Maryland, I have a tough time adjusting to the pace there. During breakfast, I was internally stressing out wanting to get to the interview site so I could cram some more info and mentally prepare, but I told myself to try and maintain some perspective. There was plenty of time, and really, was breakfast with the in-laws too much to ask? No. Seriously, I needed to calm the fuck down.

And anyway, by the time breakfast was done, the trains were back to running on schedule. So John dropped me off at the metro station, and I arrived at the office building still way early. Of course, every time I have an interview, I go crazy with having to use the bathroom like every 30 minutes! That said, I didn’t want to check in at the receptionist desk just yet, so I went out in search of a public restroom. I ended up going across the street and intersection to the National Postal Museum, one of many public museums in DC with free admission. So yeah, entry is free but you gotta go through security and everything just to get to the restroom! Yes, it’s overkill but hey, I was desperate. Regardless, I got to see the insides of a cool, old building…

The interview itself went ok. The manager appeared in a dress, and she was all tatted up– like above the chest, on the fingers, arms, legs, etc.! I guess I wasn’t THAT surprised considering I had researched her profile beforehand and known she was from LA, if that says anything. Plus, she used to work in the music industry. Anyway, she said she was glad I didn’t wear a suit. Well yeah, I’m from California!!

So all the stuff I had prepped for the interview? She asked nothing related to any of it. No org history; nothing about the technical platforms they were using; nothing about current products and technologies out on the market. She just wanted to hear about my project management experience. By the end of the meeting, it was pretty clear that she was worried that I didn’t have experience drafting formal project work plans and having to document EVERYthing. And I get it: none of my other roles ever really demanded explicit documentation… it sounds like this org relies super heavily on documentation– partly for measuring and gauging results but also for major CYA internally. She said she would feel better if I had a PMP certification… And then on top of that, the largest project I’ve handled is only a small fraction of the size and magnitude this role calls for…. So, I left there kinda questioning whether things would proceed.

After the interview, I headed over to the Verizon Center to meet my parents and a prospective property manager for their condo in DC. The agent seemed responsive and savvy, so I’m hoping this arrangement will work out. I just asked for some references and there are a few things I want to negotiate in the contract. Otherwise, that’s good to go.

After that meeting, my parents and I drove to see my grandparents. They appeared well. Grandma has slowed down quite a bit: she looks rather sleepy and tired, but grandpa is still very sharp, especially for a 90+ year old. We went to a local Chinese restaurant and ordered a few of my fav dishes: Taiwanese rice noodles and Beijing duck. So yummy!!

The drive home took forever due to the holiday traffic, but I received a pleasant surprise email from the nonprofit… I’m invited to a third in-person interview with the IT director on Tuesday, the day after we fly back home. Yay! So, to recap the process, I applied at the end of June, and since then, I’ve done the phone screen, an interview with the CTO, an interview with the line manger, and now I have this upcoming interview with the IT director. I guess that’s a good thing, right?

Overall, the trip back East went well. My dad actually planned some outdoor activities for us, which is different. He was asking me what we like to do, and I said, no museums but outdoor activities in nature. The next day, we went for a short, half-mile hike to Cunningham Falls State Park. It was hot and muggy (not to mention mid-day, because I slept my sorry ass in), but my parents were really good sports about it. Really accommodating, and I appreciated their gesture. After the hike, we re-hydrated on drinks and watermelon and then headed off to Emmitsburg…along the drive, I was reminded of all the churches and religious institutions all over MD. Mount St. Mary’s University plus the National Shrine of Elizabeth Seton… pretty places to visit and sight see, but religion always freaks me out a little.

So now we’re on the plane. Bubs got wifi, so I prepped a few more job apps and caught up on my usual social media sites. I’m really pooped. I hope I’ll still be able to bring my A game for the interview tomorrow.

The Desert Experience

John and I had some SWA credits to burn (thanks Yapta), so we decided to hit Palm Springs in southern California for the weekend. We flew into Ontario airport for the first time ever… I wasn’t really sure what to expect, but as soon as we landed, I knew this was no swanky John Wayne Airport. Ontario is in the middle of “badlands” as John calls it: the surrounding area is very industrial, with lots of distribution warehouses, trucking stations, fuel storage facilities, etc.

We arrived a bit before noon, and the sky was cloudy and overcast. The heat wasn’t too bad really– in the 80s maybe? We climbed into our rental (we got upgraded to the Nissan Maximia– woot, woot!) and started heading east.

The drive to PSP was relatively easy. We started off on 60E, which was just a state route, but damn, it was still 4 lanes wide. Then, we switched over to Interstate 10, a serious highway with lots of slow-bos (old people) and speed demons (young people). Interesting mix of drivers on the road.

Once in town, we hit up Sherman’s Deli and grabbed a table outside next to the misters. We had seen misters before in Arizona… so very deluxe!! Lunch was delicious (John had a Ruben sandwich the size of a volleyball), and then we just walked around some of the shops. The heat was pretty fucking intense, and I could tell looking at John that this was going to be a problem.

After burning up from our walk, we sought refuge at the downtown Hyatt. That’s my MO… I take advantage of fancy hotel lobbies to just chill out, freshen up, use the restroom, etc. Even if I’m not staying there. The Hyatt had a super cool gallery of celeb portraits taken during the Palm Springs Film Festival. The photos were so detailed and well done. I didn’t know PSP had such a big Hollywood connection, but apparently it’s the destination for entertainers.

After we cooled down, we hopped back in the car and drove to our hotel. Yeah, I’d spent several days on and off researching lodging… in the end, I settled on the Holiday Inn Express, and I’m happy with it. You see, boutique spots are the thing in PSP, but I dunno. We just aren’t always fans of the smaller, mom and pop hotels. Plus, some had a nude pool policy that made me nervous. 😛 Oh well, we kinda prefer the consistency of the bigger multinationals.

For dinner, we headed out to Pacifica Seafood in some swanky shopping district alongisde El Paseo. The bar was hopping, and there was even a wait, which we didn’t expect at all. When something finally opened up, it was a table for four. We took our seats, but then we felt a little guilty about the two empty seats, so we did something that we have NEVER done before. And the most significant thing about this is that it was John’s idea. Yeah, I thought it, but I just assumed little unabomber would not be keen. Well, whatyda know? He suggested it, and I moved fast. We invited the couple  behind us in line to join. They agreed. We did brief introductions and handshakes, and then just kind of carried on our own separate conversations, but slowly, we started crossing over, talking to them as well. Long story short, we had a great conversation with the couple from Alberta, Canada. Turns out, the lady used to run her own sales and marketing training/coaching business, and she knows about that leadership guy I follow, John Maxwell!! She and her hubby are both entrepreneurs, so they were also really interested to learn about John and his startup. At the end of everything, they treated us to our dinner!!! I mean, as someone who has NEVER had a stranger buy me a drink or anything, this was huge!! I was thrilled, and really, on top of that, they were just so nice. It was like another “flight with L” moment, you know? Complete strangers meeting in some chance encounter and totally hitting it off! And to have John be in on part of that experience was even better. We swapped contact info, and now I’m connected via LinkedIn too. And I told them to buzz us anytime they were in the Bay Area, and of course, Alberta is on my travel list, so I plan on buzzing them once I finally make it to Calgary and Banff. 🙂 Afterwards, on our drive home, John commented that I got such a high from the evening. He could see I was beaming, as if somehow my faith in humanity was restored. How right he is. I really do love when shit like that happens.

The rest of the trip was short and fast but good. We got up early on Saturday morning to hit up Joshua Tree National Park. Holy crap, that desert heat is something else. We did a short little 1.5-mile hike on the Hidden Valley Trail, and afterwards, we were so beat. We did a little bit of exploring, spent a morning at the hotel pool, and also started our couple’s “visionquest.” Yeah, I had some worksheets to help prompt us to think about our values and our future. It was a touchy exercise– John really doesn’t like to think about such things, but we made a little bit of progress, and he was a good sport. It’s just an ongoing process… First thing’s first though: we need to definitely start re-introducing activities that bring us joy into our daily lives. Bottom line.

We flew out Sunday evening after an entire day in the heat. Seriously, the temp hit 90 by 10 a.m. By lunch time, I’d been downing bucketloads of water, but I started getting all lightheaded over lunch, like I had trouble holding a conversation with Bubbey (mild heat stroke maybe??). We had to hit the mall so I could cool off. It’s pretty funny though, because we started off the day thinking, yeah, we could definitely live here: it’s so clean and manicured, and everyone has a frickin’ pool. But shit, by the end of Sunday, we were ready to eject and be back in the Silicon Valley bubble. Wow man, 108 deg is just too damn hot. For realz. Maybe next time we ought to try PSP in the winter.

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Carolina on my Mind

Is that the title of a song? It sounds kinda familiar, like a James Taylor song or something. I don’t know. My brain is pretty tired right now. This last week in NC has gone very well. I had a wonderful weekend with N in Wilmington, and then everything has so far gone off without a hitch in Durham. My one-way rental car was fine. The hotel checked out fine: the room is clean, and wifi is solid. The building exterior and breakfast are a bit sketchy, but whatever, it is seriously right next door to the class hotel at half the price. Cost above quality, baby!! Haha.

So as you know, on Sunday, the day I turned 38, I ventured back on campus for the first time in probably 13 years or so. The campus itself is beautiful, but god, it has changed so much! Even the Levine Science Center, which was brand spanking new my sophomore year, looked totally old and decrepit. I went to the student center, my old dormitory, the engineering buildings, etc. Most of my old spots on West Campus and on Science Drive. It really brought up a flurry of feelings: nostalgia, regret, sadness… I couldn’t help but wish that I had spent my college years differently. I was in such a beautiful and magical place, and yet, I was so blinded by anxiety and worry, not to mention two years of frustration and anger from having to babysit my asinine brother. And my mother wonders why I don’t have kids.

Anyway, the Duke nonprofit management program started on Monday and so far, it has been freaking awesome. The teachers are really excellent: they are organized, methodical, and the material is super practical and relevant. I am learning so damn much.

On the other hand, the networking with classmates hasn’t quite panned out for me; I’m not exactly sure why. Maybe the group is TOO diverse, but oh well, I am just so pleased with the content. And the crazy thing is, once all my costs are tallied, this program will actually come in only a few hundred bucks more than the SFSU program that spans several months doing a Friday night + all day Saturday schedule.

While in town, I’ve also managed to meet with a few people whom I had contacted through my info interviewing process back west. Those in-person meetings have gone great: the people have been remarkably nice, not to mention, beyond helpful. For the remaining nights, I don’t have activities planned, but I will likely ask around and see if some of the classmates want to hit the town for dinner or something. Classes will run through the weekend.

So when I had spoken with my mother last week, she had somehow forgotten that I was doing this program. Then when I told her again, she asked if it was part of an MBA program. No mom, it’s freaking 8 days. No one is going to earn an MBA in just over a week. I know, it was probably just an innocent question, but well, what can I say: the nemesis ruffles my feathers. Then she made some comment about how it’ll be hard to absorb all the info for a full day now that I’m older. She has realized that she has trouble staying awake during lectures and talks. Fair enough, except that I am 30 years her junior… And, little does she know, I am on a learning binge, so that is not a problem!! After class yesterday, I even came home and reviewed all the notes and then tried to read the financials. Sadly, the teacher kinda rushed through it towards the end, so now I don’t quite have that one down. This morning, I tried to ask some classmates about it, but no one had really looked at the materials after class, and no one seemed concerned. I guess I’m kinda intense about my learning. I will ask different people tomorrow.

And now it’s almost 1 a.m., and I am still up. I guess I was feeling some anxiety tonight, because I did some more job searching. Truthfully, I feel like I wasted the last six years of my life at the District. Nonprofits don’t consider government work nonprofit experience, and then because I did this combo of tech and communications, people don’t seem to want that either: the demands are either hardcore tech (i.e. Salesforce, coding, or database) or hardcore communications. So I’m just frustrated. I sent out some more info requests tonight, and maybe my next step will be the environmental focus, as one of my info interviewees suggested since that’s what the District mission was and that was also my academic background. That or I might just work to get that Salesforce certification. Sigh.

I keep running all these different permutations in my head… I am really antsy to work again in these new areas. I suppose I should just finish this class first and then see what simmers and rises to the top afterwards. Time for bed.

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Trade Secrets

So John and I have been talking lately about doing something different. We’ve been in the Bay Area now for nearly eight years… the longest we’ve ever been in any given area in our adult lives. I think Silicon Valley is wearing on us a bit: the hype, the pace, the constant hustle. So we’re brainstorming some other options… I mean, I’ve been spending a lot of these last several months thinking about how to live life, what to spend my time doing, etc. I feel like I am “on to something” again, with this path that combines communications, web, project management, relationship/partnership-building, problem-solving, and social good, but I’ll have to see how all of this materializes.

I’m trying not to overthink everything as I typically do; instead, I’m trying to savor the moment and really take pleasure in the journey… that’s hard for me to do, but I’m trying. Today, we took a day trip up to Sonoma. It was really a spur-of-the-moment thing, so I didn’t get to plan to the extent that I normally would have, but we had a nice day. We walked around the square, had lunch at the Girl and the Fig, got some cheese and crackers later and sat outside. The traffic going north on our way home was insane, and it just reminded me again about all these people, subjecting themselves to some ridiculous commute. I mean, for us, we were blazing through in the carpool lane, but on the other side of the median, traffic was not moving at. all. Why do people live like this? Is it the story of sacrifice? of building character and strength through hardship? or is it really just about acceptance because that’s what society so often teaches us… this is what and how life is supposed to be: this is what everyone else does.

In the drive up to Sonoma this morning, I was very quiet in the car. My mind was just going 100 mph thinking about more ways to hustle, more ways to chase leads, how I was going to work to live a different life for ourselves. I was kinda stressing internally, and I was drafting “hustle” letters in the car, starting to get carsick. I could feel a headache coming on. And then, I received a Yapta alert. Yapta is a website that tracks airfare changes. Whenever I buy airfare, I then input the details of my flight purchase, and Yapta tracks changes in the price. For some airlines, you are eligible for flight credits when the airfare dips below what you paid; other airlines charge a min $75 or $150 change fee (so the price has to dip more than that to make the change worthwhile). Long story short, we’re flying to Atlanta in September for my college roommate’s wedding. The fares dropped about 20% today, so I received the alert and then subsequently (meaning in the car), I went to the Southwest site to “modify” my flight (re-book the same itinerary) at the lower rates. Now I have over $200 in credits that I can apply to air travel somewhere else!! Pretty sweet, right? Sorry to ramble about all of this, but the point is, I was in an intense zone in the car, and then this Yapta alert really made my day. And I was super proud too, because Yapta actually doesn’t track Southwest flights, but I figured out a way to “game” the system. You see, Yapta does track AirTran and since Airtran and Southwest are now merged, I set up an “indicator” itinerary using codeshared or similar AirTran flights for the same travel dates as my Atlanta itinerary on Southwest. My assumption was: if AirTrain fares go down, so will Southwest fares because they are now under the same company. Needless to say, my hypothesis tested positive, and I scored my credits. Yippee!! And btw, Yapta has saved me several hundred dollars. I’ve already cashed in on fare drops at least four times!! I find it works best for JetBlue, Alaska Air, and AirTran/Southwest. For the other airlines, the change fees mean that the fare has to drop pretty damn substantially… Interestingly, there is now a similar site (Tingo) for hotel rates, but I have yet to use it. Tingo requires that you book through them directly in order for them to start tracking the reservation. Anyway, that’s secret #1 that I’m sharing oh so generously with you today. 😉

Secret #2? So we were in Sonoma driving around, and suddenly John had to use the bathroom. We were trying to find a place to stop, buy a drink, and use the restroom, but we were in that part of town where all the shops were really small and kind of junky. Then I suggested we drop by our old fav: the Fairmont Sonoma Mission Inn. Love that place. So we parked, strolled on up into the lobby like we owned the damn place, used the restrooms, washed our hands with the fancy apricot soap, dried our hands with the cloth towels, slathered on the hand lotion, and then chilled out on the couches. I actually would have eagerly gotten a glass of wine, but no one was running the bar. Oh well. It was the perfect little pitstop: so roomy and posh and clean. I probably would have enjoyed spending some minutes cozying up in the Adirondack chairs on the manicured lawn, but off we went. John commented that my idea was a great scam, but wtf, am I really “scamming” them? I mean I have patroned the place three times before, plus I talk that shit up to all my peeps… whatever. I just don’t like being called a scammer. I’m just sharing a secret, if you will. That’s my story anyhow, and I’m sticking to it. Incidentally, this is a good reminder for me to book another pool day there using their good neighbor promo (kudos to G for turning me on to that secret!).

Vegas + Zion + Bryce

We had a great time on our long weekend in the southwest: we flew in and out of Vegas and then spend a few days in Zion and Bryce. We rented a grampy car (Buick), but it did the job transporting us from Nevada to Utah via Arizona. The parks were beautiful, but otherwise, Utah is um… something else. We describe it as a place where “kids run amuck.” Seriously, everywhere and anywhere, LOTS of kids, all of them like under five. In downtown St. George, we were grabbing some pizza and two blond-hair, blue-eyed broods were outside. The kids were alongside the building, climbing on railings trying to peer into the restaurant. So bizarre. SUVs and minivans everywhere, and the parents look young too!! I know, we’re over it, and we’ll definitely go back to Utah to catch the other parks in the Mighty Five.

In Vegas, I scored a cheapie hotel off the strip: Downtown Grand. It turned out to be a great find, actually. Super affordable, upstairs outdoor pool, clean, etc. And I am ahead of the game: a few days later, USAToday gave their thumbs up as well… Our first night, we got tickets for the Jabbawockeez. My mom-in-law called and when we told her, she made some comments about C.S. Lewis. Nah, not that Jabberwocky. Funny. It’s like that time I mentioned “Napoleon” to describe a tyrannical colleague to my 20-something coworker, and he kept thinking Napoleon Dynamite.

As for the parks, definitely pretty interesting geology there. Too bad Bubs and I are super out of shape, especially at that elevation. Ah well, we did our best: clocked in a respectable number of steps, so that our outdoorsy, active friends wouldn’t judge us TOO harshly once we got home. Haha. Managing expectations and all.

Trip was good but exhausting. We’re happy to be back home, reunited with Martin.

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Getting Back in the Game

Since we started this new month of May, I’ve been trying my darnedest to get my shit back together. For several weeks after Remy died, I had managed to appear outwardly fine and productive, but internally, I felt so sad and lost and unmotivated. But man, I had had enough of this downtrodden bullshit, and so I started telling my brain to get going again. Yes, I know, easier said than done– even if my mantra is “Mind over body.”

I resumed webinars and networking and social activities. I met up with my new BFF L last week. I was attending a tech meetup in SF, so we arranged to catch up beforehand for a quick dinner and a uke/harmonica jam. Turns out, he plays piano AND harmonica (which I actually have!). That’s the coolest thing about L: he’s pretty much game for anything. Random singing in a busy lunch spot? Fine. Bust out the uke and harmonica and cop a squat in Yerba Buena Gardens? Fine. Well, as it turned out, that day was hotter than hell, and I clocked a shitload of steps from Caltrain to our meeting spot across from the Gardens. And then the Gardens were totally blocked off to the public for some private MOMA event. Seriously? Then, he ran late due to work. I was thirsty as hell and really out of breath from all the walking (obviously, I’m totally out of shape now too). So we ended up grabbing drinks and appetizers at a local bar. But our conversation was great. He’s just one of those folks: we are just on the same wavelength. I’m getting to know him better, and I’m feeling good– like I’ve found another kindred spirit, and I’m optimistic that he’s a potential mentor. I remember in Sheryl Sandberg’s book, she talked a lot about how you don’t ever “ask” someone to become your mentor: it just happens. So I kinda have a feeling, but I guess I won’t be asking. We’ll have to see. But he talked about personality types (I didn’t even bring that up!) and leadership and nonprofit boards and communications… I felt really glad to have met him, especially given all the bullshit drama I’ve been feeling lately with some of my other friends. I mean, don’t misconstrue here: things are purely platonic, but damn, what a great feeling to make a new, easy, instant friend! I’m going to be in SF again next week, so we’re going to attempt another jam session. Haha.

In other news, my job hunt is going slowly but surely… The oral/written exam for the city at the end of April went fine. Pretty procedural. Thankfully, my round 2 interview was a lot more personable. I’m supposed to hear in a few weeks they say. And I’m also waiting to hear this week from an area county for a social media gig. Yeah, gov gigs but I’m still pushing the contract/unconventional job angle too…

Last weekend, I attended an anniversary celebration in Napa for Heifer International. A former coworker’s wife is an area manager for the org, and she introduced me to the executive VP of marketing. I was so stressed about my intro/elevator pitch in meeting the lady, but our conversation went great (not perfect, but better than expected), and I followed up this week with an email and LinkedIn connection. Tomorrow, I’m attending a Women’s Leadership Summit (I know, I am obsessed!!). I’m setting some new intentions to get my name out, pass around my biz cards, and hustle for contract communications/web gigs. We’ll see. I haven’t even figured out what I’m going to wear yet. Maybe my new dress with tights. Gotta be a power playa and all. I’m also considering busting out my new leopard print pumps!

Later this week, John and I are flying out to Vegas to hit a few national parks in Utah. Yeah, I’ve kinda been on a national parks kick lately. You know what they say: nature helps re-energize and rejuvenate, so that’s the plan. We’ve never been to Utah before. I got sucked in to their big marketing campaign on the Mighty 5 Parks. Love that website. We’re just hitting Zion and Bryce and then returning on Sunday. Weekend warriors. That’s the way we roll.

Mountain Escape

For our anniversary, I took Bubbey and Martin to the mountains of Yosemite. I’d found a Living Social dealio of course, so we got two nights at the Yosemite View Lodge, right outside the park. My friend T had recommended the place before for its location right on the Merced River, so when I saw the deal, I figured I could get it without conducting my usual thorough due diligence. The great thing also, was that Martin was able to come along. He hasn’t really been left alone overnight since Remy passed, so…

Anyway, the Lodge was a huge complex with multiple buildings and an entire campus, but the size was nice enough that we were tucked away in the corner and you know, pretty much just left alone. We drove up after work on Friday and stopped in at a local restaurant/diner in Merced. Bubbey got one of his favs: chicken fried steak. I don’t remember what I got: the food was greasy and tasty. The weather was pretty chilly though. When we checked in, the front desk apologized for the rain and snow (say what??). I guess the end of April is still kinda winter season or whatever, but we didn’t mind. There was some dusting on the ground Saturday morning, but we appreciated the park being less crowded. We drove through the park, checked out the swanky Ahwahnee Hotel for the first time. So nice, although lunch was just so-so. For our special anniversary dinner that night, we ordered take out pizza from the hotel pizza shop and cracked open a bottle of wine. Haha, we’re easy.

On Sunday, we got up early and did a nice, long hike to Mirror Lake. Yeah, like 5 miles round trip. We have a lot of hiker friends, so we knew we couldn’t hit Yosemite without clocking in a legit hike. Yup, check it off the list, baby. Oh and the day before, we saw a bobcat on the trail to Lower Yosemite Falls. He kept walking on the wooden path, so we had no choice but to follow (like real dumbasses). It was pretty cool to encounter wildlife up close. Check out our pics. Full set on Flickr. Yosemite is gorgeous!!

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Off the Wagon

Yeah, this has been a trying week. I haven’t been sleeping well again: Bubbey’s snoring has hit an all-time high these days, so I sleep on my CB2 daybed now in my office. Even when he wears the nose strips, it doesn’t help. When I reflect back to this past month, I feel so discouraged about the lost time… like already, almost another month has come and gone. In March, I was feeling so awesome: I had been doing that 7-minute workout, I was getting my energy back, I was ramping up with my coaching sessions and professional developments and networking, I was doing stuff with friends… Then, Remy started having issues again, John went home for a week, came back, and bam, she was gone.

Sure, I had visitors and whatever to distract me and keep me from crying in bed all day, but shit, no matter how you slice it, I’m officially off the wagon… off ALL wagons. I haven’t been to the ranch since god knows when. No 7-minute workout. No spinach smoothie diet. No ukulele. No committed meditation practice. No yoga. No nothing. I even stopped my weekly coaching sessions. I mean, all facets are just stopped.

I try to rationalize all this loss of momentum. Sure, the loss of Remy is massive. Three weeks later, and I’m still crying at the drop of a fucking dime. I had a job interview this afternoon with an area city. It was an interesting experience– pretty sterile and hyper-procedural to be honest, but whatever. I went to the mall after that, and had myself a bit of retail therapy, and then in the car on the drive home? Tears. Later this evening, I go soak in the hot tub. More tears.

I dunno what I expected in terms of where I would be by now… I mean, I’d always dreaded her passing, anticipating with fair certainty that I was going to be a disaster afterwards. And then I thought I handled it relatively well when the time finally came, but now I find myself wondering when will I truly get back to normalcy? Am I demanding too much of myself? But I mean, what happens to people who have to still show up at a job and shit? I dunno. Sometimes, my mind is just unrelenting, you know? If I’m not obsessing over what’s wrong with me, I’m obsessing over external factors, other things in the world that I cannot control.

Recently whenever I’ve looked at myself in the mirror, I see such a tired and aged face. My skin texture is better (thanks to the acne brush on my Clarisonic), but damn, my eyes or something just look frickin’ haggard. What the hell???? And my arms are flabby again. When I tried on a bunch of sleeveless tops today at the mall, shit was squishing out the sides. WTF. I know, I’m doing it again: the goddamn nitpicking. Argh, have I learned nothing from all those positive psychology classes and readings? Don’t expend the energy on the self criticism and blame: get back on the damn wagon! Yeah, that 7-minute workout. Such a minimal time commitment, and it really got so much easier after I started doing it consistently. Well that’s all down the drain. I have not picked it up again since Pamela left the day after Remy died.

Argh. Maybe tomorrow. Mind over body. Mind over body. I’m so tired and unmotivated, like I need a boost from somewhere, something, I dunno what exactly. I just don’t know. I suppose that’s what signals a funk, right? Some nebulous malaise and lethargy with no real answers. I feel myself slipping in a fits and spurts kind of way: two steps forward, three steps back kind of thing.

This weekend, John and I are celebrating our 11th wedding anniversary in Yosemite. We’re taking Martin along. Remy was with us for all the other anniversaries. Sometimes, John would even have the pups “sign” my card. But she’s gone now. She really is gone.

Curious Questions

I was out of town for a few days last week. My girlfriend G and I met up in Phoenix to hang out and soak in some rays. Truthfully, the weather here has been pretty warm already, but poor G. It’s frickin’ 40 degrees and rainy in Seattle. Yeah, PHX was soooo nice: I mean, who can resist radiant sunshine and 80-degree weather? Ahhh, I am re-experiencing the awesome heat right now as I visualize the vast, desert landscape full of cacti. Goddamn, that was an great trip!

Admittedly, the vibe started off a tad neurotic because two days prior, I received an email from my contact at one of the foundations where I applied for a position. He mentioned bumping into the hiring manager briefly at the office, and then he wrote, “It’s probably best to touch base by phone.” So just to give some context: In the last several months, as I’ve been predominantly unemployed, I’ve struggled a bit with some confidence issues. I’m one of those people. Even though I participate in a lot of activities and interests outside of work, my work is ultimately what defines me. And maybe this is because I don’t have kids? I don’t know. Needless to say, I’ve had many bouts in the last several months where I’ve just been overcome by self doubt. So because his message didn’t specifically say, “The hiring manager thought you were awesome in your phone interview,” my mind immediately went down this path of catastrophic thinking. Yes, that’s what my coach calls it. And seriously, it’s bad. Like I started saying things to myself like, “I’ll never work again; no one will ever hire me; I don’t have anything to offer to world; I’m an unskilled person; I’ll never achieve professional success”, blah, blah, blah. Like I said, dra-ma queen. So after I received the email, I immediately started harassing John and G about all the hidden messages to this email. I was trying my best to apply all the tactics my coach had advised to combat catastrophic thinking (pick up the uke; ask if those statement are really supported by past experiences; breathe deeply; tell yourself a positive story to explain the email…), but shit, none of it was working! I was convinced that he was going to deliver bad news and wanted to let me down easy over the phone. Then, I had the call. And he was the coolest mentor ever! He asked me how my phone interview went. I rattled on about how I hit the big highlights, but shoulda/woulda/coulda mentioned some other things. Then he just gave me some advice on how the hiring process typically works for his department. He didn’t know for the department to which I was applying, but at least he shared from his perspective. Also, prior to this call, I had felt that our relationship was really formal. He had only really seen my work when I presented at board meetings and such. Otherwise, we had very limited interactions, but something about the call just made our relationship gel a bit more. I felt really comfortable and honest, and in the end, I was just so grateful for his insight. He said he really wanted the organization to hire good people. And that one statement just did wonders for me. I know, this whole time, John, my coach, and my friends have been reiterating this, but I always dismissed their words because I felt it was biased. They already loved me. How could they say anything NOT supportive? Somehow hearing it from someone a circle  or two out made it more real. I know, sorry to John and my friends. 🙂 I don’t know how to explain it, but it was just that tiny little boost that I needed to feel better again.

Since then, I still haven’t received news on the job status, but I’ve given myself some distance with it. I still feel like it’s an incredible fit, but I also feel that if somehow the hiring manager doesn’t see it that way, I’ll be ok. There will be other opportunities. Do you see how massive a transformation this is from my previous position? Yes, I have been all over the damn place, right?

As for the trip itself, it was great. G is doing really well. Time spent with her is always entertaining, especially because she’s super inquisitive. It’s just her style… I think it’s part of her analytical/scientific brain. Anyway, it’s always fun fielding her questions, like “What’s your favorite family vacation?” or “What are the most important things you learned from your parents?” or “If you were to meet John today, do you think you would get together?” Haha, yeah, questions that actually require some thought. I did find it rather interesting that my responses re: family tended to be pretty Debbie Downer. I mean, I’ve come such a long, long way but still. In comparison to G and her overflowing optimism, I basically just remember traumatic, bad experiences. The good ones mostly get stashed away, never to re-surface again. Even in the way I handle memories… I rarely like pictures with me in them. Scenery or objects are ok, but pictures with me or of people actually make me sad. Anyway, I learned some more things about myself from her interrogations.

We did a lot in our three days: pool time, shopping, a play, the Music Instruments Museum, and the Desert Botanical Garden. Both of the latter were really top-notch attractions. I would even take Bubbey next time! G says she wants to move to AZ. Uh, given the politics, I don’t think that’s a good idea for her, but yeah, maybe an annual vacation destination is more reasonable. Check out our select pics below– again, just a few with people. That said, I sure had a blast jamming on all those instruments in the museum experience gallery. I want a xylophone!!!
[FAG id=7403]

The Old Me

There is something about being home in Frederick that makes me sad. I think, partly it’s nostalgia, a yearning for the promise and potential I felt in my youth. Also, it’s tough seeing people get older: my parents, my grandparents, his parents… even our nieces and nephews are no longer children. It’s the natural progression of life, and yet, I struggle with it. I am now closer to 40 than 30, and I still don’t quite feel mature enough for the responsibilities and realities of adulthood. Am I in denial?

And then, there is just something about Frederick: the roads are different, there are new housing developments, new schools, new shopping centers… I just feel so out of place. And the race thing really makes me awkward. I mean, in Santa Clara County, Asians comprise 33% of the population. In Frederick, Asians are 4%. My parents say they don’t have to live in a place with a sizable Asian population (we’re talking a few years down the road), and yet nearly all the media they consume is Chinese: news, tv programs, newspapers, groceries, restaurants… When we go out and about in Frederick, I feel super uneasy and hypersensitive about how people interact with my parents.  I have an anxiety that people aren’t treating them fairly. I dunno. I guess I feel overprotective.

And then beyond all of that, the area just feels stagnant to me. I can’t put my finger on it, but people just don’t seem as worldly, well-traveled, or curious. Is that fair to say? I don’t know. I mean, seems like the proximity to Washington should make the population more culturally literate and educated and international… maybe I’m just projecting my own bias on all of this. I was really bullied and harassed in school, so I’ll probably always see this place through a negative lens.

So the past two days, I’ve been cleaning out my old bedroom. I do this every time I come to town. Last time, I emptied out all my college notes and books. This time, I cleaned out all my high school shit. I really studied a lot as a kid. I mean, I found my fucking SAT vocab flashcards… handmade. And then all of THAT bummed me out, because again, I had such high hopes for my life. I was supposed to do well. I was supposed to excel. I know, it’s this self-destructive vicious cycle I sometimes get myself into– that whole unfulfilled potential dilemma once again. It’s a demon that follows me everywhere. Sometimes I find myself free from it, but inevitably, he comes back to remind me of all the things I am not. And so, what can be done?

I only know to focus on the baby steps. I’m trying to better myself. I finished my Coursera marketing class two nights ago. Scored a 90% on the final and am trying not be obsess over my disappointment with the A-. I have been hustling for work the last several days. I know it’s right before the holidays when people slow up, but the contracts aren’t signed, so I’m feeling nervous/paranoid. I listen to amazing ukulele music online, and while I get a lot of enjoyment from listening, I also feel lame afterwards. Why can’t I get the damn strumming pattern? Why can’t I do anything right that I want to do? Argh, stop it!!!

Then I try to focus on things I am grateful for: my family, Bubbey, my puppies, my friends, my education, my security, my childfree lifestyle. Sometimes, I don’t feel worthy. Why? Why do I have so many good things? I should be better to deserve these things. I don’t know: my mind is just in a funk today.

Tomorrow, I’m spending another day with my parents. I plan to take them to an Asian market that just opened up in Frederick. Then maybe we’ll check out some exercise equipment, because my parents are such homebodies and they really need to get moving. And then maybe we’ll play majhong for a bit. Christmas day we’ll head over to John’s sis’ house, and then Thursday I’ll reunite with my puppies. I need to return to home base, so I can get back into the groove: hot tub, meditation, exercise, puppies.