I’m not gonna beat around the bush. The last few days, I have been feeling really sorry for myself. You see, last Friday was just a shit day. I had two info interviews that I was really stoked about, and they both got postponed last minute. Both people were really nice about it, and shit just came up so not a huge deal, but I dunno. I guess I was excited about potentially making some new friends. Then Bubbey was still sick on Friday. Thank goodness he actually took the day off to rest. In the afternoon, I had a lovely lunch with my career coach but afterwards, I felt a bit overwhelmed. Like, I’m 37, and I still don’t have my shit figured out. It’s a month into the new year, and I’ve made zero progress… Argh!!! I know, some of it is just negative thoughts, arguably without basis, but I’m just telling you where I’m headed with this. After my lunch, I got home, and I received a contract for the ranch. For months, this organization had said they wanted to book FOUR weeks of summer camps. Now suddenly the contract said TWO. I was really upset. I called to see what the hell had gone wrong. He explained that it had nothing to do with us, but they were noticing drops in their registrations for other spring activities, so they wanted to play it safe. Ugh, seriously?
By evening on Friday, I had to cancel my annual Chinese New Year party. CNY was supposed to be my New Year do-over since I was so fucking sick all of January. But Bubbey just was not getting better, so my long anticipated dumpling party got canceled. I don’t blame Bubbey; of course, it sucks to be sick, and he wasn’t deliberately trying to thwart my party. But I dunno. I was just so frustrated after being sick for so long and not seeing people, not talking to people, and this was something I was really looking forward to. I had gone to the store and gotten all the cheesy, gold/red decorations, planned out the menu, prepped some dishes in advance… Wah, wah. I know, not the end of the world. I still made all the dumplings, and they turned out great (and consistent in appearance at least). I’ll still get to have my party– just a toned-down happy hour version of it sans karaoke and mahjong. For some reason, I just couldn’t let go of the disappointment.
As I wallowed in my self-pity, I thought about that Charity:Water speech I’d watched earlier in the week. The one about the founder and his story of transformation. I thought about how fucking blessed my life is. I’m being a crybaby about being sick, about not having my silly party. And in other parts of the world, women are walking six hours a day to fetch dirty water. Children are dying from diarrhea. I’m so goddamned ridiculous in my privilege. I started to think about bringing the positivity back. It’s often a challenge for me, but I’m determined.
I also thought about the state drought, and how I need to use less water. I’m cutting my showers back. I’m trying to turn off while I lather up. In the kitchen, when I use water to rinse veggies and dishes, I’m collecting the gray water in jugs to water the plants in the yard. Yes, all just tweaks I’ve made recently, but I feel like these are good practices to adopt once the drought is over (if ever). They remind me of my grandmother who saves and reuses every single little thing, but you know what? There’s no reason to be irresponsible and oblivious just because I can afford to be wasteful, right? Maybe this is really just some fucked up attempt to control something small because everything else feels uncontrollable. I dunno. My mind works in weird ways.
The good news is, we had our first long rain last night. I heard the drops pounding on the roof late in the evening and early in the morning. The bad news is, around 7a, Remy got up and stumbled down the hallway. I opened the side door to let her out. She looked a bit disoriented. When she came back inside, she stumbled to the living room and collapsed. Then, the heavy panting started, and the episode began again. I tried to hug her tightly, but her body went limp and she started wailing. I tried to massage her body, but she was totally out of it. John heard her wailing and came out to the living room. By then, the episode ended. Maybe fifteen seconds or so? I dunno. Afterwards, I realized that again, I hadn’t videoed a damn thing. She was so tired. Her paws were warm to the touch. Why does this keep happening? So I just searched YouTube, and this is kinda similar to what happens with Remy.
I am trying to think of patterns. Two or three times now, this has happened in the very early morning, soon after she awoke and got up to move around. I’m wondering now if maybe it has something to do with the dog bed. The last two times, she was sleeping in the bed vs. on the floor. Maybe the bed is too confining? Maybe something about the cushioning puts pressure on her spine? I have no idea. How to solve this damn mystery without having her suffer through another visit to the vet where they never find anything anyway? Argh. I’m so frustrated with this. Jesus Christ. Seriously, how do parents of special needs children have the patience and fortitude to keep going? I’m so tired, and Remy is just my dog!! Luckily, she seemed fine the rest of the day. We didn’t make it to the park, but she definitely searched around for snacks and Super Bowl Sunday treats in the afternoon. It just is what it is. Remy does seem to be sleeping more soundly at night, which means I am sleeping a bit better. I still get up twice a night but I’m able to get back to sleep. For now, I’m trying to pop a lot of vitamins, fish oil, and zinc supplements so that I don’t get run down again and get sick. Who knows if those will even help.
In other news, Phillip Seymour Hoffman. WTF. My coach is right: all people have their demons. Sadly, too many times love just isn’t enough to save people from themselves. What a damn shame. Life is too damn short. I need to quit stressing about everything. God, just chill the fuck out. Maybe I’ll get a massage tomorrow. I kinda think I need it. 🙂