Category Archives: Pups

All In

OMFG, I haven’t written in AGES!! My last post was written at the end of week 1 of my new job, and now I’m on week 4!! Holy shit, coming up on a month there already!

Given my long silence, you’ve probably deduced that I am knee-deep in work. Which reminds me: my friend T, who served as a reference during the interview process, told my current boss, “V really spoiled us with her responsiveness and productivity.It was a rarity for her NOT to reply to our emails after hours or even while she was home sick. If she didn’t reply, we knew she was REALLY sick.” It’s kinda true. H1N1 is no fucking joke. I was out for a long while on that one. In general though, it’s not like I’m trying to be a superstar worker. Ok, kind of. But really, I just don’t like letting things sit. I like to be all caught up, you know? So yeah, for my peeps who have endured this multi-week silence on my blog, it pretty much means I’ve been in full-on job mode.

Here’s the thing though. At my previous jobs, I never really felt uncertain. This job? The boss and my coworkers are great, but I feel an unrelenting pressure. It’s possible some of the pressure is attributed to my long sabbatical, during which my confidence took repeated hits. Plus, I was out of the office environment for a long time.I don’t really know. John thinks it’s because I have daily deadlines with the postings.

Regardless, I felt overwhelmed being at an institution so much larger than my previous workplaces. And then, coming in without any history or affiliation with the university, there are so many moving parts (i.e., schools, centers, programs, and departments). But like I said, my boss is really good. In fact, she immediately came through signing me up for a ton of professional development opportunities, which we had discussed during my interview process. Interestingly, in between signing the offer and starting the job, I actually kicked myself for not getting any of the training budget details in writing. Thankfully, all of that is a moot issue. She even has me scheduled for a conference in Miami come April. Woot, woot!! My other coworkers are also really patient about my newbie status. So the pressure is mostly coming from me. You know, I’m impatient as hell. And I just keep shooting myself with that “second arrow,” worrying myself silly about ramping up and performing.

What is the second arrow? It’s something John and I learned in our mental skills training class at Stanford. Let’s say there’s a problem. I focus on solving the problem. That’s the first arrow– dealing with the immediate issue at hand. The second arrow comes from my mind fucking with me. So in this case, not only am I dealing with a very steep learning curve, but my mind (up until this week) just kept questioning and doubting my abilities. Of course, my counter to this is to work my ass off. I’m one month in, and I rarely leave the office before 6:30p despite getting in around 8a.

At night after I get home from the office, I hop on the computer again, scouring sites and news feeds searching for content and tinkering around with web metrics. The existing post schedule is pretty aggressive: on Facebook and Twitter, two posts a day; Instagram is one a day; then Pinterest and YouTube are secondary. I also manage two student interns, and that’s been a struggle. I’m realizing that student interns differ greatly from adult interns. I’m also trying to get a better feel for the vibe on campus… it’s dramatically different from my own college experience decades ago. So yeah, lots of thinking and learning. But also, a lot of extra baggage from the self-doubt and worry.

Yeah. By now, J is really sick of hearing, “I won’t make it past probation. They won’t want me to stay.” I know, I sound so damn dramatic, and how many times have I read/heard/written about women and their goddamn imposter syndrome, right??? I really should know better. Ugh. J reassures me, by reminding me that in my many years of working, I have zero instances of failing to perform. Fine. Gotta focus on the positive thinking.

Thankfully, I am finally feeling better at the start of week 4. The last two days, I queued up a bunch of posts. Of course, that padding is going to dissolve very quickly since I’m going to Asia for 10 days, and then the office is closed over Thanksgiving. But whatevs. I came up with like 25 new FB posts plus 18 Twitter posts so yay for me! The weird thing about social is that it never stops. It’s almost like retail: you have to push out content and stay open even on the weekends and holidays, because those are the times when people look at social. So yeah, I’m going to have to line up MORE content til December 1. I’m still learning about the audiences on the different channels. Last week, I posted a bunch of duds, meaning the posts didn’t score much traffic. The stats were pretty sad, but the numbers are shooting up this week. Hopefully, that means I’m settling in and finding my “voice.”

So tonight I’m taking a mini-break, stopping the content scrounging a little early to update my blog. After all, I know that my hobbies and activities and friendships are what sustain me and keep me balanced. Bad things happen when those things fall to the wayside. Been there, seen that.

What else. Last weekend, we booked our hotel for Tokyo finally. Yup, cutting it really close. I haven’t even looked at flights to Maryland for Christmas. Ugh. A bargain hunters nightmare.

In other news, Marty is doing better. I mean, he still gets spooked and is strangely picky with his eating, but I’m awaiting results from his urine culture from Sunday to see if the bladder and kidney infections have subsided following two months of antibiotics. He has also started a very irritating habit of spitting out his pills, even when I tuck them into those flavored treats called Pill Pockets. I get so frustrated when he spits out the pills. The ultimate annoyance though is that he never spits them out when John gives him the meds. We do it the same way, using the same treats and approach right before feeding his meal, and what. the. fuck? It’s racial!! Marty is a goddamn racist. After everything I have done for him. Let’s just hope he doesn’t pull this shit with Susan. And certainly when I get back, I’m not putting up with it.

Ok, I’m going to bed early tonight. I’ll try to resume a more regular posting schedule, for my own sanity if nothing else!

Week 1

Whew, I wrapped up week one at my new job. Overall impressions? Pretty good, I think. It’s still too early to tell, but there’s potential for a trong fit. The pros? Well, for one thing, I scored my very own office. Fuck yeah, first time ever, so that’s kinda cool. I’m rolling with the big dogs now! I actually spent Saturday printing/framing photos for the office. Second good thing? My boss and team mates are super cool. The boss is a really feisty Indian lady: I think we’re gonna get along really well. I’m also digging the college scene. There’s just something about being at an academic institution. I mean, part of me was a little concerned I might have minor PTSD given how much I stressed in undergrad, but thankfully, nah. I’m fine. I’m not a formal student right now anyhow, so it’s all good. Beyond my immediate team, people appear very warm and welcoming. The team treated me to lunch at the fancy staff and faculty lounge on Tuesday, and then someone in another group took me out on Wednesday, and I went out with a third person on Friday. In general, there isn’t much of a lunching culture (people do their own thing), but I’m trying to just meet some people and you know, get the lowdown in whatever way I can. Hee, hee.

Job-wise, I think there’s going to be a lot of latitude to experiment and to try new strategies. I’m trying to ramp up as quickly as possible, because I’m eager to start contributing. For one thing, the university ain’t no small environmental public agency. That is for sure. I mean, coming in, I knew that the university employed more than ten times the staff of my last employer. Still, I guess I didn’t really grasp the breadth of all that goes into a university. It really is a massive ecosystem, from the administration to staff to alums to undergrad programs to grad schools to student life to athletics to facilities to sustainability, etc. The list goes on. Consequently, their social media network is super distributed, because there’s just no way to scale with one or a handful of people running the show. That’s a huge shift for me: in my previous role, I pretty much managed all web and social media– strategy, content, planning, metrics… Here, I oversee those key areas but at a higher level, plus I’ll manage two student interns. Needless to say, there’s a shit ton to learn. Exciting but a little nerve racking too. Thankfully, my boss has us signed up for a higher ed social media conference. She’s on it. Finally, the commute is a very reasonable 20 minutes. If I want, I can opt for the train, which extends the commute to 45 minutes including walking to/from the train station on both sides. Double the travel time but still an alternative for days I don’t feel like driving my hurky jerky hybrid. What else. I get my own iphone. Interestingly, when I asked one of my coworkers whether she would advise keeping two separate phones (personal and work) or consolidating, she recommended that I wait until the 6-month probation was over. Nice. Haha. I mean, she said she didn’t mean that as a bad thing against me… who knows, maybe I’ll decide that the place isn’t the right fit. Haha, kinda odd but ok.

Now for the bad. Well, pretty minor so far. First, I do get the sense there is some mild drama/politics going on. Not that surprising considering every workplace has its issues. Also, the school seems a bit on the frugal/cheap side when it comes to budgets. For example, I requested a PC computer (instead of the existing mac), and the IT department spec-ed out a bottom of the barrel system. I replied, asking for a faster processor and better screen resolution, because this unit is supposed to last me the next 3+ years… I mean, if you get components that are already outdated today, that ain’t gonna go very far, especially at the speed at which tech evolves. Thankfully, my boss is advocating for me… but damn, we’re talking maybe $500-$700 difference for something that is critical to my daily work and is also amortized over the next several years… You KNOW I’m all about the bargains, but shiiit. Come on! As an additional data point, I even asked the IT department at my previous workplace to see what models they’re currently issuing, and they recommend the 7000 series. The uni wanted to give me the 3000 series. Other than that, no big complaints just yet. The new leadership definitely has some SUPER aggressive fundraising goals (that raises eyebrows), and the institution is working on a number of major projects concurrently, so… it’s an exciting time. But also a potentially insane time. We’ll see.

Other than that, I had a pretty exhausting first week. Not so much because I had to get up early (hours are roughly 8a-5p)… I actually like starting the day off early. For me, the trouble has been insomnia again, because Martin is having issues still. We took him back to the vet on Tuesday, and to the doctor’s surprise, he still has a bladder infection. And his kidney levels are still high, though they are lower than before. So turns out, the first round of antibiotics didn’t completely clear the infection. He’s also still having occasional spooking issues and unexplained trembling. So back we go on antibiotics, and now I have to try a few different meds to troubleshoot the trembling to see if it’s caused by 1) anxiety 2) internal pain 3) or if it’s actually tremors, which is neurological.

Yesterday, we learned that John’s sister put down her dog Bodi. He was a 15-y/o black and tan coon hound. Sure, he had a cushy, long life. Still, no matter how expected and inevitable death is, the loss of a dear, old friend is extremely sad and traumatic. Bodi, Jake, Remy, and Martin were like cousins– all of the same generation. When we adopted our furbabies, John, his sis, and I were just starting off as young professionals. We were all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Now we’re all old and crusty and jaded. Haha. But man, our dogs really grew up alongside us. I keep thinking to myself: Why do I still cry when I think of Remy? Goddamn, heartbreak sure is a beotch. RIP Bodi. Thanks for all the love and cuddles. Now go find your old friend Remy.

bodi

Emotional

It’s been an emotional last week. On Thursday, I met up with two ProMatchers– both in their 50s. They have been plugging away diligently, looking for jobs. When I got home at the end of the day, I started to cry. I thought about all the people I’d met at ProMatch, and I worried for them. What will happen if they can’t find work? Some of them have been unemployed for so damn long, and unlike me, they don’t have the security I have. One man is in his 60s… He and his wife are now moving to Oregon where he has three job prospects (but no formal offer just yet). They don’t know a soul in Oregon. But the wife is fed up with the Bay Area, and the hubby can’t seem to nail down work. Sigh. I thought about all the changes and adjustments they would have to make… he seemed apprehensive about “starting over.” I just felt so overwhelmed for them.

John tried to comfort me: he said that they would all find work. Just like I did. But ageism is real, and not just in Silicon Valley. How will these experienced, wise veterans of the workforce compete with all those young kids, who’ve already clocked in their 10,000 hours of training? This is a fate we will all face sooner or later: the fight to stay relevant, the fight to stay competitive and sharp. I went to bed early that night, feeling deflated.

The next day, one of the ProMatchers emailed me that she got a job offer!! When I’d seen her on Thursday, she had just come out of a second round interview. She said she felt good about it, but she was trying not to get ahead of herself. She seemed like someone with decent self-awareness and perception, so I was hoping her instincts were accurate. Thankfully, they were. And what a relief. She and I had started in the same batch/class last July. She is super excited about this job PLUS it’s super close to home. I was really happy and relieved. That news made Friday feel a lot better.

In the evening, Martin started exhibiting anxiety again. During the day, he looked great– peppy and energetic, so I was thinking that the infections were subsiding. We won’t know for sure until later this week, when I take him back for more blood work. But the anxiety definitely resurfaced at night…. I’m still boggled by what is going on. Sometimes I wonder if he’s playing off my own worries and anxieties, as I’ve been feeling far more tentative than usual about starting my new job. I’m not really sure why. Maybe because of the duration of my sabbatical? I dunno. Then I came to a different realization a few days ago: Monday marks the first time EVER that I will start a new job without Remy. I saw this story on Twitter earlier in the week, and her dog Chubby reminds me a lot of Remy: similar coloring, similar size, similar pointed ears that sometimes fall away from one another. I don’t know why it feels hard to embark on this new adventure without her. It’s not as if I had conversations with Remy. It’s not as if I discussed things with her. Still, I feel an odd combination of emotions these days: nervousness, uncertainty, mourning, grief, excitement, redemption… I’m hoping that once I get this first day and week under my belt, things will be better. I like to consider myself nimble and adaptable. But I suppose, I still have unexpected moments of vulnerability. What a fucking inconvenience!!

On the plus side, I had a very nice celebration last night with close friends. I’m really lucky and blessed to have their support, love, and encouragement. Come what may, I know “I’ll get by with a little help from my friends.” Onward!

Martin Update

Oh, the challenges of having an old dog!! In September, I took Martin in for his annual physical exam. Based on his temperature, heartbeat, ears, eyes, joints/flexibility, and other exterior clues, he was given a clean bill of health. Yay! Of course, as luck would have it, that’s probably what jinxed us.

He first stared displaying mild anxiety in August (randomly getting spooked at night)… I had attributed it to the Sonoma earthquake and such, but then the nervousness started getting worse. I tried calming sprays, calming collars, treats, the Thunder shirt, etc. Nothing really helped. A few days later, we went back to the vet for blood work. Holy shit, high kidney values. Given Marty’s age, the doctor now suspects kidney failure. WTF??? From one extreme to the other. A urine sample was needed to confirm, so we went back a third time for blood pressure and a sterile urine sample. I won’t go into the details, but shit, the protocols for these medical procedures are super rudimentary and old school. In one night, Martin got cow-tipped onto his side to get a blood pressure reading; he got thrown onto his back into a metal, v-shaped channel, where a cold ultrasound scanner was rubbed over his belly and then the techs sucked a sterile urine sample from his abdomen; and later, he was stabbed between the shoulder blades with a huge-gauge needle for subcutaneous hydration. Yelping, crying, squirming. The whole works. So stressful.

That night, he went from taking zero meds to being prescribed antibiotics for the kidney infection, pepcid for nausea and loss of appetite, and xanax for this still unexplained anxiety. A few days later, the urinalysis showed super high E. coli infection in the bladder, so now, he has a bladder infection, a kidney infection, little to no appetite, and anxiety. See how this drama builds?

The treatment is a month of antibiotics for both infections. Meanwhile, I started trying all sorts of foods to get him to eat: baby food, chicken and rice, broth… to complicate matters, dogs with kidney issues are supposed to eat low sodium, low protein diets. Then I tried the special kidney diet kibble. He hated it. Spit that shit out all over the kitchen floor. This week, I finally found some canned kidney diet food that he eats rather happily. Because he’s lost 10% of his weight, now I’m feeding him double: two cans/day.

I had also noticed some other strange behavior. For instance, he kept going outside and moving a shit ton of mulch around with his nose. His nose was all dry and cracked and muddy. Well last weekend, J & J mentioned maybe putting some Vaseline on his nose to moisturize. I have no idea why I never thought of this myself. I slathered that shit on last night and wow!! His nose is wet and moist again. So now I’m thinking maybe he was moving mulch around because his nose was itchy? I dunno.

Update on the flea problem: I am giving him the topical treatment twice a month now (instead of once/month), and he is better. He still itches occasionally, but he’s so much better now. His skin is still flaky near the base of his tail, but I’m hoping it will get better soon. Yup, we’re in full-on recovery mode. I’m determined to bring Martin back to his former state of glory! 😉

Nerd at Heart

This afternoon I met a fellow ProMatcher for an info interview. I know, it’s the weekend and some people might suggest that I take a frickin’ break. What can I say, I’m intense. The thing is, I’m considering volunteering for a sustainability nonprofit, where I can learn about Salesforce for Nonprofits implementation… This ProMatcher has been volunteering for the org the last several months, so I wanted to pick her brain about that experience. She herself is quite Type A and apparently, today was the only time she had free in like a week. Anyhow, the conversation was super helpful. She is a former project manager, so I felt like she gave very organized and thoughtful feedback, even down to specifying the pros and cons for me. It was nice to receive information in such digestible chunks, actually. I read something recently saying that listening is super exhausting. And that’s so true. Having all these interviews and info interviews where I really have to concentrate, listen, and then respond accordingly with smart, relevant questions… no wonder I feel so damn tired!!

So back to this vol opp I’m considering: moving forward, I think if I can clearly define how many hours and what duration I’m willing to commit, this could be a very strategic opportunity where I learn the skills I’ve been wanting to learn and I can make connections with other key entities. You see, this org is a consortium of corporate, government, NGO partners, so I think there will be lots of potential contacts into philanthropy and corporate social responsibility. That’s the hope anyway. I plan to decide in the next day or two.

In other news, oddly but thankfully, Martin is finally calming the fuck down. The last two days, we’ve had zero incidents with anxiety, so maybe his issue was just a passing thing? No idea. But the vet finally got back to me, and if the weird behavior comes back, we have a few options. Meanwhile, I’m convinced my strategy of spraying a sock with lavender essential oil and wrapping it under his collar was the solution. Haha!

As for the flea dilemma, I am still keeping up with the daily vacuuming and brushing. I’m also trying the additional precaution of sprinkling salt all over the floors to dehydrate any remaining survivors. I’m hoping for complete and lasting eradication very soon. Goddamn, those pests have been a major pain!

John and I went for a bike ride this afternoon. We just rode around Mountain View near the Google campus. Turns out there’s some “Beyond Wonderland” electronica festival going on at Shoreline Amphitheater this weekend. I’d heard about it the night before on the news, and at the time, I thought: wow, that could be really fun. Well thank goodness, that was the end of my musings because shit, in Mountain View we got a nice slice of the attendee demographic. Let’s just say, it’s a lot like Halloween. Yes, ladies (many of them girls) wearing super risque, raunchy outfits with bunny ears. I suppose the rabbit ears are part of the Alice in Wonderland theme? I don’t really know, but that small glimpse was a good reminder. Indeed, I am way too prudish for that kind of bullshit. Plus, the music went on from like noon through 11p! Surely, I would have overdosed on electronica just a few hours in. Sigh. Like I said, I’m just not made for this world. Shrug. I’m a nerd at heart.

Rough New Week

This week is off to a rough start. On Monday, I finally got word from the environmental NGO with whom I had been interviewing since July. After four meetings, it turns out that leadership has decided to switch gears, so that position? It’s gone. Vanished. Well until 2016 or so. The CTO (Chief Tech Officer) suggested that a different role requiring different skills might arise in the meantime, so if I’m interested, let’s talk. That said, at this point, the new role is only conceptual, and the org will require quite a bit of patience from now until an actual job requisition materializes. I was pretty bummed with the news, even if the change didn’t necessarily reflect badly on my candidacy. Still. Sometimes, after facing so many rejections, it’s hard NOT to be uber dramatic and think to myself, “I will seriously never get another job again.” I know, I said I was being dramatic. Sigh.

John keeps reminding me: I’m seeking very specific jobs with very specific organizations. He’s right, but heck, just let me be a drama queen for a sec, would ya? 😉

Thankfully, the more positive side of my brain hasn’t totally died. On the plus side, after all these visits to the city for events and interviews and hustling, frankly, I was starting to re-think my target organizations. because shit, SF is frickin’ far!! So now, unless the org is walking distance to SF Caltrain, SF is a dealbreaker. I know, I just keep narrowing the field even more, but what can I say: commuting sucks and I value work-life balance. Haha. Apparently, beggars can still be choosers in my book!! So I am refocusing my energies now on the peninsula and South Bay. I mean, I’ve already expanded my net beyond philanthropy and corporate social responsibility (CSR) to include non-government orgs (NGOs), so surely, there are a shit ton of places within a 30-minute radius.

In other news, I delivered my first workshop today for ProMatch. The tech services team was asked to deliver a training on designing and creating business cards, a critical tool for job hunting. The slidedeck was pretty much already created: I just did a few content tweaks and updates, and then I reformatted to get all the font/spacing consistent. I co-presented with a veteran ProMatcher– a genius guy with a gabillion tech certifications behind his name, not to mention decades of experience working in Asia… Very nice guy, but he likes to talk. A lot. You know how I am with my tight-ass, urgent nature. Gotta be all efficient and shit. I swear impatience is my biggest flaw. Anyhow, the 2-hour session went well. We had an audience of about 14 people, and the feedback was positive. Whew! Done. I will say, this really was the first time EVER that I did not get nervous at all. I suppose all this ongoing desensitization and playing outside of my comfort zone has really paid off. Thank god I wasn’t burdened with the inconvenience of public speaking anxiety today. Yay. Very liberating.

Of course, just as I myself am conquering my anxieties, Martin is turning into an entirely different dog. Holy shit. Remember how mellow and laid back he used to be? After Reno, he did great for about a day, and then yesterday was a total disaster. Throughout the night, he abruptly got up and ran outside. He had his tail between his legs, and he was clearly freaked out about something. He was pacing around all unsettled, and then the panting and full-body trembling began. All last night, no one in the house got any sleep. This morning, I got up to prep for the presentation in the afternoon, and despite getting a few hours of rest from 9-11a, Martin again started freaking out before noon. Restless, anxious, shaking, panting. WTH??? I called the vet and left messages. Now it’s 10p, and still no call back yet. Meanwhile, I put on his ThunderShirt (same idea as swaddling a baby), tried to distract him with treats (first time he rejected food), and then even sprayed a sock with lavender and tucked it under his collar. By the time I had to leave for ProMatch, he was calming down a little, but still. This is so worrisome. John even came home from work early. Since then, Martin’s been better. If anything, I think he is physically exhausted from being so damn tense and high strung all night and day. John’s been reading about old age and senility in dogs. Symptoms include zoning out, trembling, disorientation, among other things. I really just don’t want to deal with this right now. I know Remy’s passing was many months ago, so I kind of had a break and I should be all bounced back by now. But I’m not. I feel so much dread just thinking about Martin growing old and having issues. Sigh. I know, I’m a goddamn control freak. I like want to “schedule” Martin’s aging process. I’m such a dumbass sometimes.

In general, I have to admit, I’ve been feeling a kind of baseline anxiety the last few months. I’ve lost my appetite and dropped a few pounds– not that I’m complaining. But there’s just this chronic tension. Sometimes the self-doubt comes up again. For example, with my project management abilities. Isn’t that the super skill I’ve been marketing all this time? Multi-tasking, keeping all these concurrent projects moving. And yet, dad’s condo is still not rented, my rental property repair is still not done, I have no job, and Marty’s issues are unresolved…

Tomorrow, I have a few classes. Maybe they will re-inspire me and get me back on track. I’m also exploring the consulting angle a bit… I’m meeting a fellow ProMatcher tomorrow who wanted to talk with me about his sales/marketing consulting biz. Also, remember the cowboy I’d met weeks ago who commented on my boots? He’s the GM of a local theater in San Jose. We’re meeting next week to talk about helping him market the venue and maybe work on the website… so we’ll see what happens. Gotta keep plugging away.

I recently submitted a few more apps for jobs in the South Bay. I’m actually pretty excited about this latest batch, because they feel like a strong fit for my skills and interests. I made John review my latest round (he hasn’t been subjected to this for a long while), and he actually had zero suggestions. In fact, he said my materials were a lot more compelling than before. Hurray for progress! Let’s hope I get some new bites soon.

Project Management

In addition to my very aggressive job hunt, I have been managing a number of other projects that quite frankly, are irking my nerves. First, I got my parents signed up with a tenant placement service. Things started off well the first few days, and then, there was an edit to the listing that took a few days to get done. Also, the property was supposed to be listed on a bunch of sites. When I checked, it didn’t come up on search… I think those things have been resolved now, but still. Takes poking and prodding, which is annoying this early in the game. Anyhow, the place is posted. Know anyone seeking a furnished 1 bedroom condo in Washington? Check out the listing. Btw, the price rocks considering that the location is superb.

Second, I’ve been feuding for the last week with Lowe’s. It’s a very long story, but pretty much we’re dealing with a broken ordering/shipping/customer service system. I was so discouraged by the incompetence, that I turned to twitter to seek resolution. I just wanted to have someone answer the damn phone, but instead, they directed me to a Rant and Rave website. Are you f-ing serious? Fine. So I posted my story. The grill was ordered at the end of August to capstone our anniversary. I think there were at least five failed attempts to deliver the item, meaning the store and/or shipping company said it would arrive, I stayed home, and then no one showed up. No call, no nothing. Fuckers. The good news is that the grill finally arrived today. We’ll see whether it turns our food into magic!

IhateLowes

I HATE Lowe’s.

Third, I’ve also been dealing with poor communication and insufficient information with my property management company back East. Up until now, I was actually really happy with their service, but in the last month, our house started having water leaks in the chimney and roof. The agent got ONE estimate to replace the roof. Then, he sent me a shitload of images of the roof and chimney. Uh, I have no idea what I am looking at. Back and forth several times, and I ask for a second quote as well as explanation for what these photos are showing me. I receive a few email replies that give updates on calls put in to contractors and the HOA, but no answer to my more urgent concern requesting interpretation/advice as part of their service. One month later, I finally get clarification that there is a fix that will last a few years and NOT require complete roof replacement. We are proceeding with that route. Meanwhile, I voiced my displeasure to the maintenance lead and the agent. No calls back regarding their inadequate service. Goddamn. I might have to start shopping around for another management company. Fucking pain in the ass.

Fourth, Marty and his bizarre anxiety/trembling. The night we returned from Reno, he conked out pretty quickly, but Monday night, the trembling was back again. I put on the ThunderShirt which helped, but still didn’t make it go away. I re-did his bed, and laid down my old, pink bath robe that Remy used to sleep on in her later years. He seemed to settle down a bit. I called the vet tech, and she said it’s pretty hard to say with the older dogs. Could be pain, could be arthritis, could be anxiety. Well, that narrows things down. Sigh. Interestingly, last night, he had no trembling at all, so maybe it WAS anxiety? I dunno. I’ll monitor again tonight. Meanwhile, his flea meds are working wonders. He’s scratching a whole lot less these days. As for me, I still get occasional bites, but I have been vacuuming like a fiend again, so hopefully, that issue will go away very soon.

Ok. Time to crank out some more apps. I had a phone screen last night for a product marketing manager role at a tech nonprofit in SF. Tomorrow, I will meet the hiring director for an interview. Also, I cold emailed the Executive Director of a tech nonprofit in Milpitas. We’re meeting for coffee on Friday. Yup, still hustling.

Reno Balloon Race

So thrilled my camera captured this in the darkness!

So thrilled my camera captured this in the darkness!

On Friday morning, I realized that the Reno Balloon Race was this weekend. Ever since our amazing trip to ABQ a few Octobers ago, I just have a thing for hot air balloons. Not to go up in one (I’m scared of heights), but just to watch them glow and ascend at dawn. It’s such a peaceful and beautiful experience. So at dinner on Friday night, John and I had a conversation about life and “making it count.” Every time we see our parents, the visit makes us re-evaluate our own lives. I’ve mentioned it before about how my father was obsessed with working, learning, optimizing, improving… A few years ago, I asked him about life regrets. He replied that he wished he had started investing in stocks and understanding the financial markets sooner rather than beginning at 40 years old. Really dad? Your regret is about not building more wealth? Yes, I judged his reply. But looking back, I don’t want to make it seem like my father is superficial. He grew up extremely poor as a child of farmers. First to go to college. First to go to med school. First to leave the island. On the contrary, I am someone who grew up with the privilege that my parents created for me, so I don’t want to dismiss how transformative and impactful money can be. After all, even as I pursue opportunities in philanthropy and nonprofit, I am seeing that influence and change ultimately boil down to money– having the resources to build capacity. And my father to this day, continues to use his resources to benefit his immediate family, his extended family, and causes important to him. I get that. The interesting thing though, is that even though my father’s response was monetary, I feel like there an unspoken answer that’s equally front-of-mind: his shitty relationships with his kids. He never verbalizes this, but I feel it myself: a sadness over the loss of something that just cannot be found again. Some people ask if it’s a lost childhood, because he missed so many activities and school events due to work… I sense that parenting is different now with parents attending ALL the games and recitals and whatever. For me, I never really expected him to be there. I suppose I was independent in that sense. But surely, those absences played a role in creating a rather detached and unengaged relationship. It just is what it is.

I’m a strong believer in cultivating relationships and in self-nourishment through doing activities that you love. And yet, I keep applying to jobs… in areas that I believe in, yes, but also I’m trying so hard to fit my square peg into a round hole. I am gaining more traction on the job hunt, but still, there is no cigar!! And I feel tired. Tired to tweaking and re-tweaking myself and my materials to make my candidacy more appealing, more in line with what people are seeking. Goddamn, sometimes I feel like I’m participating in modern-day dating or something!!

Over dinner last Friday, John put it to me straight. Money is not an issue for us. We are lucky that way. And without kids, we really do have flexibility, so what is the life we really want? This is our opportunity. How do we NOT squander it?

I always say that in my dreams, I would be a writer. I say it like it’s some lofty, unattainable thing. Like when kids say they want to be Batman or something. I never give myself legitimacy as a real writer. Yet, the truth is, I AM a writer in reality. Right now.  I have been writing since childhood. Summer jobs, real jobs, jobs for my parents… I have always written. Even when I think about my current job hustle, I have actually been hustling since high school and college. I used to mail hundreds of letters and resumes out to companies just to convince them to give me a summer internship. In my adult life, I have used my writing to talk about cool engineering innovations, to craft advocacy messages, to tell entertaining stories, to engage others. I carry around in my head that one day I’ll work as a pro-blogger. But John pointed out: how will that happen if you never make your writing/blogging your central focus? If I really want to be a writer, why not just do that and commit to that?

Turns out, this highlights another conflict I have with myself. I’m an idealist, but I’m also a pragmatist. I can’t possibly be a writer/pro-blogger; after all, that idea feels even more far-fetched than me securing a job in philanthropy and corporate social responsibility and I feel like I have the credentials and skills for the latter!! Who is a writer? I don’t even know any writers among my friends, and how would I earn a living? No one pays for content anymore. Look at all those journalism school grads unable to find work. It’s just too much of a stretch.

At the same time, I hear what John is saying. Why am I chasing all these other things? For whom am I chasing? Money is not an issue for survival, and yet money to me means: 1) independence/freedom 2) accomplishment 3) legitimacy. This whole struggle I have had with shame from being unemployed… turns out, I actually give a shit about what other people think! I hate to admit this, and I probably only just realized it now. So many thoughts are going through my head. I still want to work in philanthropy. Getting my nonprofit management certificate really energized me about working in that sector. I still like to solve problems and get things done. But if no one will hire me, how do I create an avenue for myself? I think about how much I’ve been hustling… just to get a job to work for someone else. What if I hustle for myself, for my own business, or for my blog? I dunno. I’m overwhelmed, but I want to take heed. Somehow, I just really want to make this life count.

Needless to say, the dinner conversation touched off a ton of reflection. I want to do better. The question is how. Incidentally, in a moment of distraction, I told John about the Reno Balloon Race. Immediately, he suggested that we go. Mind you, by that time, it was about 9p on Friday night, and Reno is like 4 hours away. No matter. He got the idea in his head, and we mobilized. Packed our things, Martin, and off we went. I booked a hotel in the car. We were feeling pretty proud of ourselves for being all spontaneous and decisive and shit. And then Martin started getting super anxious in the car: panting, trembling…. wtf? It got so bad that we stopped at a random gas station in the middle of the night outside Sacramento (with lots of cop cars pulling in and out). I dunno what was going on. I got out of the car to let Martin out. I had taken off my shoes, and I stepped right onto a pavement littered with dry bird shit. Argh. We walked him and sat with him until he calmed down. But shit, we almost took him to an emergency vet that night.

He has definitely become more skittish since Remy died, but I never coddled Martin about it. And then, he seemed worse after the Napa earthquake. I just took him to the vet last Wednesday, and she gave him a total clean bill of health! I had mentioned the anxiety but I thought it was due to the earthquake, and I actually didn’t think of it as a new condition… Well, clearly now this is a new condition. So the rest of the drive was super touch and go. By the time we arrived at the hotel, it was past 2a. The receptionist suggested not even going to bed, because the balloon events were slated to start at 5a and she said we would need to leave the house at 3:30a because of traffic. Say what?? We didn’t listen to her. We went to bed and then when the alarm woke us at 3:30a, we decided to sleep in and catch the morning activities on Sunday instead. All three of us slept like rocks, and boy did it feel good. That stressful drive really tuckered us out.

Aside from Martin, the weekend was a lovely getaway. I know, no decisions on my job/writing/blogging/consulting paths forward, but heck, we had a fun time watching balloons! Full Flickr album here. Video playlist here.

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Itchy Britches

OMFG, today was the craziest day ever. Lately, meaning for the last few months, Martin has been scratching and biting around his tail like crazy. Seriously, we’re talking compulsively biting and scratching. We’ve never had an issue with fleas, but I took a real close look anyway as soon as he started scratching there. Didn’t see a damn thing, so I figured it was some kind of allergy. I switched his food, and his coat got better, but he was still super itchy. So then I determined that maybe the issue wasn’t a food allergy but rather, an environmental allergy. I didn’t know, but what else could I change about my environment? Nothing, so I just left the issue status quo.

Then, I started getting bug bites all over my body. I blamed the skeeters, because Bubbey always leaves the doors wide open to cool down the house. I’d wake up in the middle of the night, jarred from my slumber by this annoying buzzing. I would jump up in bed, turn on the light, and start hunting. Even though I would often find and kill the critter, the damage was already done. Those fuckers ALWAYS got me.

Last month, the situation worsened: Martin started scratching even more, and the fur on his rump started balding, and the skin was dry and scaly. I too was getting bites all over my legs– on my feet and between the toes even. I just assumed that my feet had found their way out of the blankets while I slept or something. Since I still couldn’t SEE the fleas, I figured mosquitoes or spiders were the culprits.

Well this morning, I awoke to clusters of bites on my thigh and in the back of my waist. And I was itchy as hell!!! WTF? I started thinking that maybe I was getting shingles again, triggered by all the job hunting stress. So I made an appointment to see the doctor, and I decided to take Martin to see the vet. What do you fucking know??? Fleas. According to the vet, fleas are the worst they’ve been in well over a decade. Something about the drought and crazy heat. I dunno, but shit. Now I feel so damn dirty!! And on top of that, Martin has flea allergy dermatitis, meaning all the irritation is an allergic reaction to the bug bites. Ugh!!

So I did a shit ton of laundry today (screw the drought, this is an emergency), and then I even got the carpets steam cleaned for the first time ever… since our carpets were installed in 2010. I know. But my parents just never got their carpets and rugs professionally cleaned. They used their own Bissell. Meanwhile, I put Frontline flea treatment on Martin, and I vacuumed the shit out of the house. One other lesson I learned? You know how I used to be totally OCD about vacuuming every damn day? Well, the therapist had convinced me that it was overkill (and irritating to John), so I cut it back to a few times a week. Well turns out, vacuuming actually picks up all the fleas and their eggs… so shit, I should have never let up on that habit.

The good news is, there is relief for Martin. He’s gonna start taking oral meds that will lessen his allergic reaction. Meanwhile, where’s the human equivalent for me, because I am fucking scratching this shit up raw. Soooooo itchy. To kill the irritation, I like to take hot, short showers. Well, the doctor told me today that heat makes the area even itchier. Huh?? Why is this shit messing with me?

I changed all the bedding, and I’m going to shower again tonight before bed. Shit, I sure hope I won’t have to resort to spraying myself with OFF at bedtime.

Comparison Game

I read this line recently: “American parents just want their kids to be happy. Chinese parents just want their kids to be successful.” How true is that. Along similar lines, check out this article, I thought that being miserable was just part of being Chinese American. Ah, how central the “eat bitter” concept is in all Chinese storytelling…

Anyway, I was thinking about parenting this week, because well, my parents called me yesterday from Taiwan. I was handling some more real estate transactions for them, and so dad called to thank me. Then, Mom (shall I just start calling her my nemesis already?) got on the phone. She asked, “So, how much longer are you planning to try out this ‘different lifestyle’?” Yeah, as if I were living in a tree or sitting at home all day eating bon bons and watching soap operas. WTF??? To simplify, maybe I should just tell her I’m now a full-time student, because no matter how many times I explain, she just doesn’t. get. it. So annoying. Can the mother-daughter disconnect possibly grow any wider? Ugh. I can’t even believe that I am now nearly 38 years old, and this shit just keeps happening… I know. I need to pipe the hell down. She really does irk me though.

So anyway, I was thinking the other day about the comparison game, and how deeply ingrained that behavior is in my life. Why is it ingrained? Did my parents shove the concept into my being, or is this just how society works? For example, I was walking Marty at the park yesterday, and the leash got under his legs again. He NEVER readjusts to let the leash back out. I know, a minor thing really, but with Remy (and Helix even), she always stopped and lifted her leg to untangle. I started feeling really frustrated with Martin. Like come on, fix the leash!! Sometimes I would just tug on the leash, but he would ignore my signal, and the leash would just dig into his armpits. Other times, I would stop abruptly and again, he would just continue bumbling along. I distinctly remember thinking, goddamnit Martin, why can’t you be like Remy? And so there it is. Favoritism at its worst. I’m comparing him to a fucking dead dog.

The thing is, I think parents always try to be all PC about loving their kids: “No, I love them equally,” they insist. Really? I call bullshit. At least my parents never tried to throw out that malarky. And yet, I felt bad that I was comparing Martin with Remy. I explained my frustration to John, and in Martin’s defense, he said that’s just who Martin is: he’s easy-going, not particular, just happy-go-lucky. Then I felt like a real ass. I mean, I try to appreciate his good-natured, patient temperament, but he’s just so simple!! So yeah, the comparison habit crops up. A lot. Is it a form of grieving? Is it my perfectionism/lack of gratitude/hypercritical obsession rearing its ugly head?

Should I feel guilty for feeling closer to Remy? I don’t know. But the universe is definitely fucking with me: In the last week, I’ve seen three shiba inus in my neighborhood . Never saw any prior to this.

I miss Remy so much. My emotions are under better control these days, but sigh. She really was such a great dog. I have a birthday coming up, and I’d love to have a party with games and karaoke and all the usual festivities, but things feel really different this year. Yet another milestone that Remy never missed before.

I’m noticing differences too with Martin now. He doesn’t seem to hear as well. He’s starting to shuffle a little funny when he gets up or lies down. I really need him to go the distance right now… maybe he will if I’m more supportive and less critical. Fuck, parenting is hard!!!

Incidentally, I was just thinking of all the activities where I compare things: clothing, recipes, shoe sizes, emails, draft posts, photographs, the eye exam, parking spots, dining table locations, driving position on the highway, produce… am I the only one obsessed with this? One option is ALWAYS better than the other, right?? It’s a constant assessment and evaluation. No wonder I’m feeling exhausted!

This morning I woke up vowing to re-energize. For some reason, I’ve been thinking lately of Annette Benning’s character  in that movie American Beauty. She plays a realtor who goes through a dryspell of not selling any houses. One day, she wakes up and is completely determined to make a sale that day. She spends all day scrubbing the property, re-arranging the furniture, getting the place all ready, showing prospects, etc. and then it’s the end of the day and she has no bids/sales. Fatigued and overwhelmed with disappointment, she collapses into a meltdown. The weird thing is, I sometimes derive some strength and resolve thinking about her determination at the beginning of that day… but then, yeah I have to hope for an alternate ending.