Category Archives: Pups

Banner Year for Work

It’s been another long stretch… As much as I love and miss blogging, it’s been a challenge sitting down to get my thoughts down. The biggest hurdle these days? I’m rusty with my writing. When I used to blog regularly, I would go through my days, jotting down notes and ideas for later blog posts. It’s as if my brain at that time was super nimble: it gathered experiences and held on to details with the intention of revisiting them for a story or processing them very quickly soon after. What can I say, I’m totally out of the flow these days. And well, I’m now a “woman of a certain age,” as my friend P likes to say.

The good news is, I’m having a banner year at work. And don’t get your hopes up or anything. I am still very much the same person. No monster revelations or breakthroughs, i.e. nothing has changed all this time while the blog has been silent regarding my value system: I remain and forever am a workaholic. You probably are NOT surprised. I probably would have wanted some improvements/changes given the years of therapy, all the self-help reading I do, plus just ageing over time. But nope. I continue to define my value and my worth through achievement/work. Work is my purpose and my identity. And now that business is FINALLY strong, I can’t deny the feeling of pride and sense of accomplishment. Indeed, the success fuels my tank like nothing else. It really sparks an old flame inside me. In my glory days, I was the best, and goddamn, I missed that feeling… as far back and as deeply buried as it was.

Tbh, there were two eras that I considered “glory days.” First was high school when I juggled a gazillion extracurricular activities and I was “on track” for achievement and success in life. My second “glory days” era was probably when I worked at the government environmental agency. After a series of shit jobs, this place was paradise. Great compensation, low stress, camaraderie, strong mission, short commute… I was in my heydey “work hard, play hard” mode. I was fit, athletic, relatively stylish, my skin was under control, J and I bought a house, we had our pups, we traveled. Of course, things later changed, and then I was disgruntled, our marriage was on the rocks… Goddamn the shift happened fast.

Anyway, back to present day. Yes, this is a record year for me. That said, we are in Silicon Valley, and I remain a very small potato. Like half of a fingerling. Just a nub of a small potato. Seriously. But if I compare me with only myself (apparently, that’s what I’m supposed to do), I am still pleased. I’ve worked really hard in real estate these past nine years, and it’s nice to feel the confidence that comes with competency, skills development, and quite simply, seasoned time in the saddle.

The other positive shift about this year has been my clientele. All of my deals this year have been either past clients or new biz referred by past clients/good friends. It has definitely been a game changer over my usual client mix, which used to include a lot of randos– people who responded to an online ad or came through an open house. While I’ve handled those deals fine, the level of trust upfront totally creates a different relationship and dynamic. It’s no longer people trusting their friends/colleagues/internet advice over that of me, their agent. When I’m introduced by referral, there is an immediate acknowledgement that I am an expert and that I have experience/guidance that matters.

This dynamic has been instrumental in reducing stress/frustration. Don’t get me wrong: there are still very challenging and stressful days, but the intensity is a step or two lower, thank goodness. And somehow this year, the clients are also more my type and my speed. Like they are my tribe in terms of how they process information, how they communicate, and how they get shit done. OMG, it’s an amazing feeling when there’s a synchronization. I cannot appreciate it enough!

Outside of my work obsession, next is of course Benny. Well, it’s been a lot of ups and downs with Benny. But right now, he is on the upswing and looking good. I still brush him daily (and vacuum daily). I joke to everyone that I spend all my money on Benny and my skin. Yup, he’s our boat and I’m just thrilled to have landed on a relatively simple program now that works for him.

As for my face, I completed a course of Accutane in August 2024 and despite lingering side effects with my vision/dry eyes, it was worth it and I am grateful to finally have clear skin again (Only a few short stints of clear skin in the past THREE DECADES of battling bullshit cystic acne!). For now, all is good. I’m in the process of tweaking my skincare routine with topicals/at home products to target crows feet and crepey eyelids, but I consider the skin stuff a “hobby” that falls under my “internet research” umbrella. Dog care, skin care, house hacks. Shrug.

In other news, Bubbey is continuing with his “semi-retirement” status. His cooking has ratcheted up to a super high caliber. I mean, the breadth of cuisines plus how fast he can whip shit together. It is nothing short of amazing. Many of my friends do not have spouses as skilled in the kitchen, so I try not to brag. But shit, his meals taste way better than eating out.

Skills mastery, I tell you! He like goes to the library and comes back with a stack of books and new recipes to try for the week. My home life feels incredibly indulgent in that sense.

And it’s been a real blessing being able to go for walks together, eat lunch, spend time. Bubs is also continuing with his leather work and laser etcher and 3D printing. Sometimes he creates key chains, placards, bags that I can use for work. I feel like we’re in a good phase where he’s got several hobbies and we’re overall both in a good headspace– able to focus on our individual things but also have the overlap in schedules to do activities together. Yes, everything in the outside world continues to be in turmoil, but I feel very lucky to have a safe and comfortable home with my Bubs and Benny.

Annual Pilgrimage

This fall, as the elections came into full swing, I really tried to maintain some positivity before my annual pilgrimage to Taiwan. I was feeling hopeful and encouraged by the groundswell of the Harris Walz campaign… she had somehow managed to turn this sinking ship around from the doldrums of watching two grandpas duke things out to infusing the efforts with so much promise, vibrance, humor, wit, energy… I was feeling so good about where we were all headed.

Meanwhile, I couldn’t help but feel that my inner circle had reservations. Even friends who I considered to be more positive than I, expressed reluctance and skepticism. It was starting to irk me, tbh. I mean, seriously, we had Beyonce and Taylor Swift… ridiculous donation bucks. What was it going to take to get you people to be convinced?!?!?

Well, turns out I was the dumbass left holding the bag. The intelligentsia around me had all been holding their breath, and goddamn, I went to bed that night so defeated and so disenchanted wondering what on Earth just happened.

The next day, we were slated to fly out to Taiwan. Every year the trip to see my parents is riddled with stress and dread. I had really wanted to exuberance of the elections to fill my cup and get me emotionally/mentally ready for a stressful 12 days in Asia. No. such. luck.

While we waited on the airport lounge for our flight, I was obsessed with reading the news, trying to understand what the fuck just happened. Who did this? Why did the Dems fail so miserably? What I found echoed some similar phrases I had been hearing among the local elites (which I consider my inner circle to be): The Dem’s have no strategy. Their marketing sucks. Their messaging sucks. There’s no plan. WTF are you talking about?

She had a plan. She proposed specific initiatives. What was HIS plan? I was so pissed that once again the woman was somehow to blame. What did you need to hear? Tell me exactly what it is you needed to hear to be convinced that she was the right candidate for the job, and he wasn’t. I’m not satisfied with any of it. And so I sat at the lounge table eating my free but tasteless snacks, my eyes welling up. I sobbed. It was the worst day. And now I was headed to see my family and I was possibly to be in the presence of my anti-vaxer brother. All my plans to fill my cup crashed and burned.

Overall the trip went fine. Better than expected. It helped that John did some last minute finagling to score us biz class tickets on the ride over. Fucking 14 hours and the lie-flat seats were freaking amazeballs. He had been talking it up for years, and it just felt like such an unnecessary luxury. Well, this time it was essential. Flight over was great.

Visit with the parentals went fine. Thankfully, Mom had recently entered a quieter phase, so instead of all her angry outbursts and toxic accusations last year, she was pretty quiet. During the 12 days, she still had her moments and she still bites and pinches, but she seemed more tolerable. My brother was there, we had some civil conversations, but he doesn’t look well. He’s too far in on these bohemian health tonics and supplements but I just have to let it go. It’s not my job to save him. There were a few eruptions between him and my father that I had to break up and talk them down. You know I’ve had some kind of massive breakthrough when Vicky Volcano is the calm one.

Interestingly, I visited with a few of my cousins and my oldest aunt. My one cousin who is 52 y/o had the nerve to tell me it’s not too late for me to have kids. I can still get it done for the family. My aunt then proceeded with her annual message: You know, if you were a typical daughter in Taiwan whose father begged/asked her to have children, 99% of them would have acquiesced to their parents’ dream. No one would deny something that their parents wanted so badly. Gee, thanks. First, I’m not a typical Taiwanese daughter. Second, I’m 48 y/o, why are you telling me this, as if I had ANY regrets about my decision? As if I’d even consider changing my mind. Jesus Christ, stay in your fucking lane already.

Needless to say, 12 days was a goddamn eternity but I survived thanks to the amazing buffering power of Bubs. I came away from the trip thinking maybe I would try checking in with my brother every once in a while. He clearly has mental illness issues (maybe borderline personality), but since he doesn’t believe in meds (but he does believe in unregulated, non-FDA approved pills/supplements), nothing is going to really help stabilize him. And so it’s an entire life just filled with trauma, pain, depression, self loathing… I’ve never really understand why people stagnate in misery. They insist they have no choice. They insist they don’t choose this kind of paralysis. But I’m not the best at empathizing on this. I’ve always believed in some element of self-determination and choice. At least for anyone who grew up with privilege in the US. It’s a core belief, and I will always believe there’s a way out. But I guess the reality is, not everyone agrees.

The journey back was a beotch. Partly bc we were back in economy. Yeah, I knew biz class travel was going to be a Pandora’s box. Fucking A. The 12-hr flight back in economy sucked much more than I ever remembered. But holy fuck, it was amazing to be back home.

Fortunately, the dog sitter we hired was a legit adult with real accountability and responsibilities. Benny still had his poopy problems and accidents, but she took them in stride and best of all, she was a homebody who liked to hang out with the dog. I was relieved to see them bonded. It’s nice to know we have an option now that we didn’t have before. But I still think he’s on this last year, so there’s that. Only happy thoughts here, can you tell?

The Lodge

At the end of April, J and I tried out a new type of destination. We hit up Carmel Valley Ranch, which is a golf club/resort kind of spot. With its luxurious pool/hot tubs plus on-site animal farm, massive vegetable garden, and beautifully manicured grounds, it was hard not to fall in love. I subsequently spent much of spring/summer dreaming of ways to get back to that environment again. Unfortunately, Benny’s mobility issues took months of troubleshooting– all the way until late September, when the monthly injectable Librela finally started to take effect (third month) and coupled with prednisone (the universal magic pill) tweaked to the right dose, we got him stable again.

In early October, we felt ready to try two things: a new overnight dog sitter (recommended by a neighbor on Nextdoor) and a new lodge/golf resort escape. Enter the Quail Lodge in Carmel Valley. The thing I’m noticing about golf places— they are so much better maintained. Not just with the grounds, but I mean the rooms, the lobby, the common areas… The architecture/decor/style may be a bit old school or dated, but the upkeep is impeccable. We were only there for two nights, and I submitted an offer during our stay, but it was a pleasant albeit brief getaway. We rented e-bikes and toured the neighborhood, got on a nice paved trail riding by the pastures… scenic and quiet. The next day, we went on a short hike. We hit up Earthbound Farms and a few other local food spots. Walked around sleepy downtown Carmel. We had a nice time and a welcome respite from the week-long heat wave. Meanwhile, Bentley did fine as well. The sitter is probably in her 30s-40s, and I have to say, it’s nice to have someone who’s mature and well, how to say, seasoned by life to handle responsibilities. Bentley seemed calm and comfortable when we returned so all in all, a successful trip. The icing on the cake would have been if my clients beat out 42 other offers to win a house in Palo Alto, but apparently, that’s too much to ask for these days. 🙂

Learning Rampage

I’ve been on a learning rampage lately… First, my real estate license is set to expire this year in November, so naturally in true VG fashion, I downloaded all the course materials in March and started EARLY with the classes. There were about 14 classes/45 hours of credits. Anyway, I started in spring and then wrapped everything up with the quizzes and tests in July. So now my license is renewed for another four years, woo hoo!

After I finished with that, I came across a free registration to an online senior pet summit. Even as a kid, I’ve always had a fascination with dogs and horses. I used to read all the sections in the Encyclopedia and also borrowed books from the library about grooming, care, diet, and training. Since Bentley is now 11, I thought the summit was especially timely. It was so interesting and covered a broad spectrum of topics from diet/nutrition to physical therapy/massage to nail trimming (so much more important that I ever thought) to euthanasia. It was soo good, and I came away with lots of new tips.

Meanwhile, here’s the update on Benny. Since the start of the year, his hind legs started getting very weak. The vet initially tried a combo of meloxicam and methocarbamol, but that didn’t help. We went off of it and just slowed down our walks. Then in April, we went to Carmel Valley Ranch for a few days, and Bentley really started to struggle with the uneven terrain. A few times, he lost his balance while pooping, which of course, is a full-blown Code Red. As soon as we returned to town, we went back to the vet. She wanted to try the methocarbamol/meloxicam mix again. Did it again and also added physical therapy/laser treatment. The PT recommended that we change out his harness, bc turns out the Easy Walk cuts off their front legs’ forward extension (covered in the Pet Summit!). I also tried doing more massage. No real improvement still.

We then tried Gabapentin, and that actually resulted in ataxia (back legs imbalance), so it was meant to treat possible pain and stabilize his mobility, but the dose was so high that it made things worse, and he was stumbling around all over the place. Backed off the gabapentin. then went to prednisone… of course all these meds are trying to attack the problem from different modes, like muscle relaxants, pain relief, nerve pain, arthritic pain, etc… The pred, which he was on before when he had the TWO autoimmune diseases, was also too high and resulted in stomach ulcers and diarrhea. Cut the dose on that…

Needless to say, it’s been a very bumpy ride. Now we are on the fifth med called Librela, an injectable monoclonal antibody for arthritic pain. The vet said that we may need two doses to see any changes. Right now, no real improvement unfortunately, but we’ll try again with the second dose next month.

Yes, the process has been super frustrating. But we are plugging along. The hind end harness and stroller are helpful.

Btw, I just came across this article last night. I wasn’t in full frame of mind looking at it in bed, but this morning, I listened to the audio and then it had me crying inconsolably. I know what’s to come sooner than later, and it’s going to be serious heartbreak. I just hope I can maintain awareness and perspective to do what’s right for Benny when his time comes.

Killing Me Softly

Last week was nuts. As you know, Bentley’s hind legs have been weakening since the start of the year. While we were away on a short trip to Carmel in late April, he started stumbling more and more critically, he began losing his balance while pooping. Yes, that kicked things into a code red. At the time, we were grateful to be within a short distance to a Petfood Express pet wash station, but we knew our luck would eventually run out.

At the start of the year, we had tried a few meds but no improvement. This time, we went back to those meds at a different dose and again, no improvement. We then added in chiropractor adjustments, massage, cold laser, physical therapy, as well as a host of other meds. Nothing was helping.

Meanwhile, I went back to the CBD oil company to inquire with them about drug interactions, and strangely, they suggested I had him on too high a dose… like double what they would suggest. Huh? I’ve read their dosage charges multiple times and I was just following directions, but they explained that GSDs can be more sensitive to CBD oil… ok fine but still. I decided to hold off for now on the CBD oil and see how he would respond on the prescribed meds.

Last Friday, we started on prednisone, which he had been on years ago during his TWO autoimmune diseases. I was well aware of the potency of pred, but I also knew it was the med that really saved him. So we started him on 20 mg twice a day. By Saturday, he was walking better but then the diarrhea came on. On Sunday, the diarrhea turned super dark– darker than I’d ever seen and while he was walking better, he started drooling and dry retching and looking like shit. WTF, is that from the meds? I called the vet, and we immediately stopped the pred. They suspected the pred was too strong a dose and that resulted in stomach ulcers and bleeding, hence the dark stool. Continue with bland diet and monitor. Researching more about the symptoms, of course his signs happen to be the same for like every possible illness: lepto, stomach torsion, poisoning, Addisons (from abruptly coming off pred), obstruction. WTF. Internally, I was freaking out, bc when Benny got sick before, the drooling was out of control and indicative of nauseas and pain.

On Monday, he was doing slightly better. Appetite and water intake still normal. By Tuesday, stool was on and off. Color seemed to be getting closer to normal. Then Tuesday midday, I took Benny to the park. He had diarrhea again and then as I scooped what I could, I noticed something that felt/looked like a stalk. It looked like a softened cinnamon stick and when I unraveled it, there were three sheets. WTF was this??? It was like a paper but thicker like a craft paper. We hadn’t been feeding him anything new– just chicken and sweet potato, which is something we’ve fed (along with kibble) since Martin. Was it sweet potato? Didn’t quite seem to be. Had he gotten into something? Our garbage bins are lidded and nothing appeared disturbed. Also, Benny is usually very picky about what he puts in his mouth… I was wracking my brain. The next day, I’m prepping his meal– a chicken/sweet potato mix and whadya know: there’s a piece of the skin… thinner than what I had seen/felt earlier BUT the same parabolic shape on one end… but then how did the skin get all rolled up in the belly? I dunno. But this is the most plausible answer.

So I look up sweet potato online and some sources say the skin shouldn’t be fed bc it’s not digestible AND can cause obstruction. Say what? And some sites even said to limit the amount of sweet potato. WTH. Is this something new, bc why do I feel like we started it with Martin back in the day for all the benefits?!?!?

And there it was: the fucking mom guilt. All this time, had I been overmedicating him with the CBD oil and now we had been feeding him food what was harming him? Going back online, it seems the stance on sweet potatoes has changed but still. All of this reminded me about parenting and how damn hard it must be as all the attitudes, skills, and methods evolve over time. Ultimately, the good intention is there but sometimes that just doesn’t seem to be enough. Needless to say, we will be altering the homecooked portion of his meal. Benny is back to normal now regarding his stool and stomach issues. The back legs are still an issue but for now, I’m using a different back end harness, and we got Benny a buggy so we can be out and out for longer periods. We expect to revisit the meds for his back legs in a week or two. Right now, I need a break to recover from all the worry this last time around.

Attitude

As life would have it, as I was recovering from my gallbladder incident, Bentley last week started displaying some oro-facial pain. Immediately, I flashed back to a year ago (also in April) when his dual auto-immune diseases came on out of no where. Some of the key symptoms back then included lip smacking, drooling, and crying when I touched his face.

I immediately scheduled an appointment with the specialist, and the next day, she did the full physical. Of course, this would all happen during COVID, so I was prohibited from going inside with him… Long story short, the doctor noticed ZERO sensitivity in his jaws/face. At the time, he also had diarrhea so she suggested an ultrasound as a check on his GI. Ok, whatever. Ultra came back normal, and the full blood panel came back normal the next day.

Of course, as soon as we got home though, he had the face sensitivity again. Then, I grew obsessed. Was it one side? Was it the teeth, the jaw, the face muscles? I went into full-blown OCD mode. I called the doctor back, and she just kept insisting that she did a thorough exam and palpated everything, blah, blah. Jesus Christ. I’m not questioning the thoroughness of your physical exam. I’m telling you that he has face pain now. Ugh!

From the beginning, I’ve had problems dealing with this doctor. She doesn’t like to be questioned, and she’s super condescending… every time I want to discuss anything, she reacts all impatiently with, “Well, like I thought we discussed yesterday…” or “like I said before…” Look lady, I’m not a DVM, but I’m not retarded. I have a brain, I research things, and I’m super attuned to my dog. I’m telling you there is facial pain. And if your treatment plan is just always going to be $1,000 joint taps, walk me through your rational bc it doesn’t make total sense for me and maybe let’s come up with some other options! A few more days going back and forth (my main argument is that the joint taps test for the immune-mediated poly arthritis. But his face pain last time was due to the immune-mediated myositis. Yes, both diseases presented at the same time last year, but if it’s possible that the myositis relapses without the arthritis, then doing the joint tap doesn’t tell you anything!) and then I schedule another appointment, for a full mouth/throat check under sedation.

Meanwhile, it seems like the face pain is spreading to both sides of the head. Friday rolls around, he’s fasted, and I drive him down for the procedure. While waiting for the tech to come get him in the parking lot, I feel around his face again, and there is low to zero sensitivity again. WTF?

So then, I tell the tech he’s not recoiling or crying or anything. I cancel the appointment and decide to monitor through the weekend. Now all week long, there’s been some on- and off- sensitivity, but he’s back to eating kibble and chewing things and playing with his ball. In one of our conversations with the vet, I asked what other things could cause oro-facial pain, and even then, she wouldn’t say. I swear, communicating with her is so damn cumbersome.

For the past year, I just sucked it up. There are only a handful of internal medicine specialists in our area, and this team did get Bentley well. So, I just made the decision as Bentley’s advocate to endure her bitchy attitude and continue unfazed with my questions. But then last week, I had had enough. Does every interaction have to be this fucking unpleasant?

So I called her vet tech, who has been serving as a middle man anyway, and asked her if there was something about the way I was communicating that offended the doctor? Like why am I getting so much attitude and pushback? Turns out, the vet is like that with everyone, including her own staff! Thankfully, in this past week, Bentley seems ok, so I gained some room to breathe again, but I will be speaking with the clinic to discuss options moving forward.

Sandwich Generation

So the shit’s been hitting the fan for many months now. I mean, I don’t know why I keep belaboring the fact that it’s been a crappy year—Hello, welcome to life and especially, welcome to The Sandwich Generation, right? Sometimes it just takes me some time to accept the muck and try to get over it.

In July, I got a call from my cousin about my youngest aunt. She’s 64 y/o, and earlier this year, she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer– one of the most aggressive and deadliest types of cancers out there. My relatives in Taiwan all seemed rather incredulous bc just a few months prior in October, John and I had been in Taiwan for our annual visit, and my aunt was as energetic and as lively as she’d always been. We did that road trip together up north to Keelung, and it was such a great time despite the pouring rain (and my lame brother).

But after the new year, my aunt went to the hospital for abdominal pain, and that’s when it was revealed that she had a belly full of tumors– too many to count, and being that the cancer had metastasized, she was in Stage 4– the final stages, with a prognosis of living only another 3-6 months.

As the new year progressed, my dad was having more trouble with his eyesight (his two cataract surgeries in November and December didn’t go as planned), my mother was increasingly inconsistent with her cognition, John’s mother was declining, and then in April, Bentley got crazy ass sick. My work, which had been dead the earlier part of the year, suddenly got busy, my listing imploded, and I was feeling stressed way beyond belief.

Now it’s July, and my aunt has made it this far. She endured two rounds of chemo, plus Vitamin C treatments, among other things, but the tumors continue to grow. Three weeks ago, my cousin called and said she was near the end, so my parents (who were in Maryland) and I booked our flights.

I’ve been in Taiwan for almost a week now. My aunt appears much better than I had expected– she is still lively in voice and spirit, And she still goes for walks, but her body is a shadow of its former self. I’m not sure what to say, so we just talk about my parents and the usual family dysfunction. 🙂

My stupid listing continues to be a thorn in my side. In May, the buyer side got pissed about the very late discovery of the home having deed restrictions which prohibited its sale; they asked for money; I had to consult all the veteran agents plus the legal team on retainer at my brokerage… After nearly four months, the buyers finally agreed to cancel the transaction. But the co-listing agent and I are still helping our client navigate this complicated situation. Many calls, emails, and meetings with the housing authority and the city housing department… now we’re heading into August with two options: Sell the home now back to the City at a below-market rate, or wait for an alternative where the City considers selling the home at a higher price to a different housing agency. The latter plan would require that my clients wait another three months for that to get worked out. I’m trying my best to carry this through, but at times, I’m exhausted by the extra effort. Maybe if I didn’t have so many other things going on all at once…

Thankfully, Bentley is doing better. I mean, there have been several blips in the road to recovery, but for the most part, he is stronger and getting back to his old self. We took him on a short road trip in early July to celebrate his progress, my belated bday, and to take a short break, and then as life would have it, he developed that skin infection on his snout PLUS an infection inside his front leg joint. Ugh!!! Another round of vet visits, and he’s now on super strong antibiotics plus he needs to drop some pounds, as he has plumped up 20lbs on the prednisone. SMH.

In positive news, I’m currently in contract. Yeah, one of my clients with whom I had initially met in March, got back on the house hunt in June/July. I was very thankful to have some business brewing again. My clients found a real gem of a home in early July, and we got into contract a week before my flight to Taiwan. I’m so happy to be working with lovely, gracious people. That said, with my Taiwan travel, shepherding the transaction through has required a ton of calls and emails in the middle of the night. I’m hoping we are in the homestretch now, and closing is set for mid August.

My time in Taiwan is going ok. Lots of errands and elder care kind of things like finding activities for my parents, figuring out meals, cleaning, etc. The first three days, I visited with my aunt as well as my three grandparents. I cannot believe those grandparents are still going. It’s mind blowing, honestly. I’ve been shuttling my parents around, so the good news is that I’m becoming more familiar with the lay of the land here. I’ve also had quite a few opportunities to hang out one-on-one with some of my cousins. I’ve gone to the pool a few times too at the condo complex.

But I’m ready to get home. My brother came down from Taipei yesterday, and he’s on some 6-8 day fast to cleanse his gall bladder or whatever, so all he does is stay in his room. My dad still invites him to go walking or to go to the gym, and he always declines. In the middle of the night, he and my father were arguing and yelling again. I mean, I know my mother likes to see him, but really, his visits are so damn lame. He can never eat anything and then he’s so weak and fucked up from the fast, that he never does anything outside his room. What’s the fucking point. Honestly. I’m there prepping meals, finding activities, washing dishes, cutting fruit, cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry, and he sleeps in until noon and does his kooky bullshit. Yesterday, while I was re-heating food in the microwave, he told me microwaving food is really unhealthy and dangerous. I said, I was still going to do it. I mean, is it as unhealthy as having a shitty-ass, ungrateful, money mooching, entitled asshole son??? Fuck off. My ultimate wish with my brother is for him to be out of our lives. I know my parents fucked up with our childhood, but hello, this is real life. Get over it and move on. Nobody owes you anything. If you want to be a weird person living a fringe lifestyle, go ahead but leave us the hell alone. I do not need to be graced by your presence. Don’t do me any fucking favors. I get so annoyed that all these years later, we are still having to deal with his bullshit. If there is any silver lining to my mother’s condition, I hope that she can one day forget about Johnny so the rest of us can fucking live in peace.

Anyway, today is my last day with everybody. I’m going to be driving my dad to run errands and then we’re headed south to my grandparents’ and aunt’s house. After dinner, we’ll drive back to Kaohsuing and tomorrow I fly home. Thank goodness. I gotta get back to home base for realz.

Special Needs

At the end of June, Bentley was back at the specialist for his followup. Sedation, joint tap, blood work. Going to the vet is an ordeal, but the good news is that his numbers came back strong: no inflammation in the joints and good WBC count. The doctor allowed us to reduce his prednisone dose by 25%. After that, he started improving dramatically– getting stronger and more energetic, and I started seeing signs of the old Ben Ben. He was active around the house, he pranced a bit to the park and in the backyard, his bark was back… Honestly, I had forgotten what he was like before (It already feels like ages ago), so getting glimpses of his old self really made my heart sing.

He was looking so good that we decided a mid-week getaway was in order. I found a spot on Groupon, and we did a road trip to the Sonoma Coast at a place that took dogs. Initially, he had some anxiety when he got left in the car while we grabbed lunch. His leg, which still had a skin wound from the very first joint tap in late April, was finally healing and then he ripped it open during lunch in just 20 minutes. Next began a series of bandaging, antimicrobial/antifungal spray, and the donut collar. After a day at the lodge, he settled down and we took him on some trails. He was so happy to be in a chilly climate and back on an adventure. It was a pretty good trip.

But then after we got back, I noticed hair loss on his snout and some discoloration. I reached out to both his primary vet and the internal med specialist. I spent forever researching online and thought maybe it was demodex mites. Regardless, I worried that his anxiety from the trip further weakened his immune system and somehow he picked up a skin issue. Ugh!

The vet examined my pictures and said it didn’t seem to be demodex mites, and it also doesn’t seem to bother him, but another visit would be in order. Meanwhile, I’m having some reluctance about another visit bc if they do a skin scrape, it’s yet another wound that needs healing. I worry about his body fighting too many battles on too many fronts. So I just sprayed his snout and kept it clean.

One week after (this week), I found him limping on the front right leg. I groom him everyday and that day, I found two foxtails stuck in the webbing of his paw. After I removed those, the next day he was fine. Then, another day later, he started limping badly on the other front leg. This is exactly what happened in mid April. What started as a mild limp, switched to a limp on the other leg, followed by a day of him being fine, and then bam, by the end of that week, he was hospitalized. I am so scared now of a relapse.

I called and emailed the vet. Of course, she’s out. I called the front desk asking that someone else advise, bc I was fearful of a relapse… they agree to have another internal med team review and call me back. The whole day passes without a callback. Finally, I dial in and they say, tomorrow. Well, that was the whole point: my doctor wasn’t in until tomorrow and I wanted advice today. Fucking place. I HATE THAT PLACE. But for some goddamn reason, we’re in a veterinary internal medicine desert. Then I tried to take his temp thinking it would be a helpful data point. No success trying to hold him and poke him by myself. Fucking A. John is back East, coming home today.

I decided to try the light therapy on the limping leg and by the afternoon, he was better. There was still some sensitivity but the limping went away. John got home at dinner time, and now I’m flying out on the red eye to Taiwan. I swear, this year will be the death of me. I’m so tired and Bentley’s condition just stresses me out to no end. John dropped me off at SFO and when he got home, Bentley was limping again. ARGH!!!!

May Shit Flowers

Well, I was hoping to be in better spirits given that we’re now into June, but what can I say, shit continued to hit the fan in May. On the bright side, Bentley went in for a 3-4 week checkup after his diagnosis, and he was sedated again for the blood work and joint taps. No inflammation in the joints and his WBC count went down from 50k to the high end of normal which I believe is around 20k. As a result, the vet tapered his steroid treatment. Those meds man, they make him so fricking ravenous and thirsty. One day, I was out for 5 hours– I came home and my office carpet was drenched. Poor baby. Thankfully, it was nearly all water and no urine. That’s how much he’s been drinking. Now I just open up the doggie door– John set up our garbage bins on the side of the house, to keep Bentley from harassing the mail people at the front door. I know, totally ghetto but what can we do.

So anyway, we’ve been on the tapered dose of prednisone now for almost three weeks. He still doesn’t run and patrol like he used to. I feel like the disease has aged him– Bentley walks like a lumbering old lion and our walks are pretty brief– only about 20 minutes. Also, the myositis caused muscle atrophy in his skull, so his face is leaner and sunken in. It makes me so sad, bc he had the most beautiful, full and smiling face. I was paranoid that maybe we were missing something else, like another disease or condition, but the doctor assured me that the pockets in his skull are purely cosmetic. And I mean, most importantly, the auto-immune disease is under control and he is not in pain.

Every day I palpate his body all over while I groom him. I’ve also been using the LED light therapy (aka low-level light therapy and photobiomodulation therapy). My friends all think it’s California kooky, but I read a few scientific papers about it and supposedly, the light stimulates the cells for muscle repair. The treatment is typically used for muscle and joint pain. He doesn’t really like it, bc Ben Ben tends to run hot, but he eventually gives in to his tiger mom. In the end, I think it’s helping him, so we’ll have to see.

In other news, my listing imploded. Long story short, the owner did not know there were deed restrictions tied to the home. In other words, she has to seek permission to sell it bc she acquired the home more than three decades ago as part of an affordable/subsidized housing program. Yup, that means, the transaction is going to be canceled. A bunch of other complications are tied to this whole thing, so I’ll just say, it’s a project.

Meanwhile, J’s mom has declined considerably. He is there now, with all her kids. I’ve reached out to a bunch of dog sitters today and no luck again. Hoping the one remaining sitter who hasn’t yet replied will be able to care for Bentley on short notice. I dunno, 2019 is turning out to be a major shit storm.