Category Archives: Misc

Breaking Point

Last night was a disaster. The day itself went relatively well. In the morning, I was at ProMatch. We had a guest speaker who provided a ton of metrics about the job search. His strategy? Contact people and withhold the resume. Instead, argue your value, say why you’re a fit, and then end with, “contact me if you think there is potential. I’d be happy to send you my resume then.” The approach is similar to what I’ve read with The Human Workplace column. I’m a huge fan, but sometimes going against convention is easier said than done.

The overarching idea is to be confident about what you can offer and also, to NOT appear desperate. I mean, he’s right: so much of this process has this lame, underlying power dynamic. I’ve discussed it before: this constant wishing and hoping to be cool enough for school. Anyway, I’m glad to be reminded of this alternate approach, and I think I’ll give it a try.

Also, you would not believe: remember the recent interview where I felt like the interviewer was questioning my work ethic because I said I valued work-life balance? Well shit, a few days later, the hiring manager started calling my references, and I am invited to meet next week with the head of university relations, the boss’ boss’ boss. I’m pleased.

In the evening, I was in SF attending a Tech and Philanthropy event. The event was hosted by a tech startup, so of course, the location was some super swanky rooftop terrace with catered appetizers. I chatted with a bunch of people, and I really felt inspired being surrounded by people working to solve society’s ills. I was feeling re-energized and re-affirmed about spending so much of my efforts targeting this area. I collected several cards, and I’ll be following up with those peeps.

After I got home though, things went downhill fast. Earlier in the day, I had received an email out of the blue from Verizon Wireless, stating that my account had been charged $80 this month. As I haven’t been a customer with Verizon since January 2014, I thought the email was spam, but I called to verify just in case. What I thought would be a simple 5-minute call led to a 90-minute debacle. Turns out, we have been charged for iPad data service this whole time. I didn’t receive any email notifications nor paper bills. Yes, I had seen the charge on my credit card for many months: for whatever reason, my brain just chocked it up as mobile service. I dunno. I should have caught it but I didn’t. Expensive mistake. So then I was on the phone for 90 minutes escalating the issue, talking to three reps arguing my case to get a refund for services that I never used. In the end, the most they agreed to do was credit us back half. I remember at the time, as soon as we had switched from Verizon, I lost online access to my account. Then because I was on e-bills, I never got the paper statement… which we needed for T-Mobile to pay the early termination fee. Whatever happened with that? Fell through the cracks also. T-mobile requires paperwork within 60 days of switching. Fuck. It was all too much.

When I think back to that switch, the whole process had so many bad signs. The day we switched to T-mobile, the store people were incompetent. They told us we’d get switched in 20 minutes. It turned into over two hours. They assured us that everything switched over. Now, we realize that just the two phones switched over, NOT the tablet. Then, even though they said our house had good signal, when we got home, it sucked. I had to call and argue with them to ship a signal booster. That worked and then the unit went kaput. I had to get another signal booster. Then Remy started her rapid decline, blah, blah, blah.

So when I finally got into bed last night, I just started crying hysterically. It wasn’t about the lost money. Ok, partly it was. But more than that, it was about all these details and moving parts. I’m supposed to be a great project manager. I’m supposed to be organized. When I was on the phone with T-mobile, the rep said, “All these months, your card was charged $80/month. Why are you discovering this now?” I felt so stupid and incompetent. There was no other explanation other than that I had dropped the ball. I need to own that.

Then I thought about all these things that are not getting done. I don’t cook regular meals. I discovered Marty’s infections about a month or two later than I should have. The garage is still a fucking disaster zone. I haven’t exercised in ages. I have spent zero time monitoring our investment portfolio. Sure, I stepped up at ProMatch, and I started volunteering for the environmental NGO. I’m also wanting to volunteer for the Asian Women’s Shelter. But I have so many new skills I have to learn, so many social impact talks I want to watch, so many books I have to read. I have so many follow-ups I have to do, more networking, more job applications. I suddenly felt overwhelmed. Where is my capacity? No job. No kids. No dependents, and I still can’t get my shit together. Goddamn, I sobbed like a dumbass last night. I just couldn’t stop crying.

Poor Bubbey. It was like 1:30 in the morning, and he was just trying to rest. He was slated to take me to the airport early in the morning for my trip to see G in Seattle. He suggested I take a break. Immediately. Mistakes happen. There’s a lot going on. I’m just doing too much. So I am taking this as an indication to step back and re-evaluate. Yeah, ya think?

Long Road Ahead

A few years ago, I remember it was early March– March 8 to be exact– and I had wanted to go out to lunch with some of my female coworkers to celebrate International Women’s Day. Most of my closest friends know that I self-identify as a feminist, as I believe in social, political, and economic equality for all, but I remember that one of my colleagues replied to my invite with, “I don’t get feminism. I mean, I don’t really see that it’s relevant at all in this day and age.” I tried to remain calm, but man, that comment just irked the shit out of me. Really? You really think women have the same access, opportunity, and respect as men? Puhlease. Wake the hell up. Women still have a super long way to go: unequal pay for the same work. Little/no female (not to mention minority) representation in the higher echelons of corporate America. Women politicians like Hillary Clinton are still repeatedly having to field questions about what they are wearing (whereas male politicians can stick straight to business). Women continue to be bullied/harassed in the tech “brogrammer” culture. Viagra has always been covered by insurance but birth control? Super controversial and only recently recognized as basic, preventative healthcare thanks to Obamacare. Uh, lame, insulting, inadequate punishment for rape. Persistent “rape culture” and sexual violence epidemic on college campuses. The list goes on…

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about this unrelenting and pervasive violence against women. And I’m not just talking about the egregious, nearly incredulous brutalities in far away places like war-torn areas of Africa where rape is systematically used as a tactic in war, or in India where women are raped/killed on public buses or raped/hung going to the bathroom in the middle of the night… No. Violence against women is happening everywhere, in every country, even in our own communities. For example, in nearby San Leandro, the police were recently busted for participating in a human trafficking, drug, and prostitution ring. Last summer, SF-based RadiumOne’s CEO was caught ON VIDEO beating his girlfriend more than 117 times for 30 minutes straight. He never apologized and in fact, he even tried to justify his rage, going on Twitter to explain that “she had unprotected sex with people for money.” Who the fuck does he think he is? He’s professionally successful, so he’s entitled to beat someone to a bloody pulp because she “provoked” him? For reasons unknown, she eventually refused to testify against him, and the damning video was thrown out on a legal technicality. I don’t want to judge why women stay with their abusers or why they back out of testifying or pressing charges, but shit, something is just so abhorrently wrong with the system when a guy is recorded on video beating the shit out of someone, and he gets ZERO jail time. Why are we not absolutely outraged by this?? He lost his job. Boo, hoo. He still retains tons of stock in the company, and more importantly, the guy is walking free, still unapologetic, still cocky as hell, and still carrying some form of professional/societal legitimacy. WTF?

Then this whole Ray Rice deal. Wow, if he knocks her out in a public setting, I don’t even want to know what happens behind closed doors when all the filters are off. Ugh. I’ve read countless articles on the Ray-Janay situation. There’s so much blame on her for not leaving him. Shit, as if she deserves to be beaten because this is the path she has chosen. If only spousal violence were that cut and dry, that fucking black and white. Anyway, I thought this article was especially sobering. Violence against women builds in environments and cultures where women are disrespected and where there is a desensitization to violence. Don’t even get me started on the modern-day gladiator sport of football. Can we really be surprised that these gigantic men who are trained day in and day out to ram their bodies into one another cannot control how they wield their force off the field? Sure, I want to believe in gentle giants, in big teddy bears. But training and habits are powerful influencers. After all, how does the military get ordinary humans to do the dirty work that they do? Training, desensitization, and psychological manipulation. As for the random tech CEO or whatever? I dunno. Can we maybe point to violence against women in gaming or sexism in the brogrammer culture? I want to know what ever happened to this Russian telecom millionaire. Last I heard, he was on the run after beating the shit out of his girlfriend. Seriously, the pictures are straight out of an alien movie. Makes me so f-ing sick to my stomach.

Project Management

In addition to my very aggressive job hunt, I have been managing a number of other projects that quite frankly, are irking my nerves. First, I got my parents signed up with a tenant placement service. Things started off well the first few days, and then, there was an edit to the listing that took a few days to get done. Also, the property was supposed to be listed on a bunch of sites. When I checked, it didn’t come up on search… I think those things have been resolved now, but still. Takes poking and prodding, which is annoying this early in the game. Anyhow, the place is posted. Know anyone seeking a furnished 1 bedroom condo in Washington? Check out the listing. Btw, the price rocks considering that the location is superb.

Second, I’ve been feuding for the last week with Lowe’s. It’s a very long story, but pretty much we’re dealing with a broken ordering/shipping/customer service system. I was so discouraged by the incompetence, that I turned to twitter to seek resolution. I just wanted to have someone answer the damn phone, but instead, they directed me to a Rant and Rave website. Are you f-ing serious? Fine. So I posted my story. The grill was ordered at the end of August to capstone our anniversary. I think there were at least five failed attempts to deliver the item, meaning the store and/or shipping company said it would arrive, I stayed home, and then no one showed up. No call, no nothing. Fuckers. The good news is that the grill finally arrived today. We’ll see whether it turns our food into magic!

IhateLowes

I HATE Lowe’s.

Third, I’ve also been dealing with poor communication and insufficient information with my property management company back East. Up until now, I was actually really happy with their service, but in the last month, our house started having water leaks in the chimney and roof. The agent got ONE estimate to replace the roof. Then, he sent me a shitload of images of the roof and chimney. Uh, I have no idea what I am looking at. Back and forth several times, and I ask for a second quote as well as explanation for what these photos are showing me. I receive a few email replies that give updates on calls put in to contractors and the HOA, but no answer to my more urgent concern requesting interpretation/advice as part of their service. One month later, I finally get clarification that there is a fix that will last a few years and NOT require complete roof replacement. We are proceeding with that route. Meanwhile, I voiced my displeasure to the maintenance lead and the agent. No calls back regarding their inadequate service. Goddamn. I might have to start shopping around for another management company. Fucking pain in the ass.

Fourth, Marty and his bizarre anxiety/trembling. The night we returned from Reno, he conked out pretty quickly, but Monday night, the trembling was back again. I put on the ThunderShirt which helped, but still didn’t make it go away. I re-did his bed, and laid down my old, pink bath robe that Remy used to sleep on in her later years. He seemed to settle down a bit. I called the vet tech, and she said it’s pretty hard to say with the older dogs. Could be pain, could be arthritis, could be anxiety. Well, that narrows things down. Sigh. Interestingly, last night, he had no trembling at all, so maybe it WAS anxiety? I dunno. I’ll monitor again tonight. Meanwhile, his flea meds are working wonders. He’s scratching a whole lot less these days. As for me, I still get occasional bites, but I have been vacuuming like a fiend again, so hopefully, that issue will go away very soon.

Ok. Time to crank out some more apps. I had a phone screen last night for a product marketing manager role at a tech nonprofit in SF. Tomorrow, I will meet the hiring director for an interview. Also, I cold emailed the Executive Director of a tech nonprofit in Milpitas. We’re meeting for coffee on Friday. Yup, still hustling.

Mental Training

August has been another dramatic month. On one hand, I can recall multiple highs. On the other hand, quite a few lows.

First the good. I had dinner with my friend L several weeks ago. Quite honestly, he is one of the nicest people I know. And to think we met on the plane… it makes for a great story. We had a great time catching up… time always flies with him. At one point, I gave an update on my job search. He probably sensed the frustration in my face and voice. He then said, “What can I do to help?” It’s kind of funny. That’s what friends do, right? They help each other. And many of them do help, but I rarely hear those actual words! In fact, I was so taken aback, I had to think about the question. I mean, who really asks? I think I may have asked only once or twice with other friends and that was because I was exasperated and totally out of ideas. I told L to just keep his eyes peeled for opportunities and/or contacts in my target areas. Afterwards though, for some reason, I really felt a need to clarify, like, “I didn’t ask you to dinner to get something out of you…” to which he responded, “Oh yes, I know. Of course. I know that, but I just want to see if there’s anything I can do.” It was I dunno, an unexpected and yet very welcome gesture. I think I will start to adopt that practice myself. Too often, I probably just assume that I know how to help someone, but wow, what a concept: ask and see what the person needs. Duh. See? I learn so much from L. He’s awesome. And so refreshingly candid too. I mean, here I am struggling with figuring out my life. It’s so easy for me to think that as a GM/SVP of a startup, he’s got all his shit figured out. But you know, he shares his own struggles too. Not like his challenges make me happy or anything, but it’s just helpful to understand that life really is a moving target for a lot of us… And it doesn’t mean we should just acquiesce and become passive either. Anyway, kinda eye-opening.

Then, as I mentioned earlier, I appreciated hearing from my ex-boss. I also caught up with some ex-coworkers. Went for a bike ride with J. She was so sweet. I mean, I never expect or demand apologies from people for falling out of touch. I get it: life happens, but it was still thoughtful of her to acknowledge and apologize. Truthfully, sometimes when I spend long periods of time alone, my mind starts to fuck with me a little. I get flashes of doubt… I suppose it’s a form of insecurity. I dunno. Frankly, I think all these rejections from job hunting exacerbate that condition where I just need just a little bit of validation and reassurance. I know it’s an irrational fear, so I try to keep it in check as much as possible, but still, the occasional positive feedback helps. What else. I also had lunch recently with my bud M. Introduced her to Costco beef brisket sandwiches. Yup, stick with me, lady. I’ll show ya all the cheap and easy tasties, because I’m all about streamlining the meals. Haha.

Oh, big news: my good friend G finally popped! And out came a big baby boy! So many years in the making, and wow, he’s finally here. What a celebration!

Job-wise, my hunt is picking up more. After my great phone interview last Friday with a local environmental NGO, I went out on a limb to hustle the employer via my thank you note. My strategy worked, because on Monday morning, I got invited to an in-person interview yesterday (Wednesday)!! Yee haw! I was so thrilled. When I went in, the deputy director said she was really impressed by my thoughtful email, and that’s why she invited me in for the onsite interview. Check! I thought the interview went really well, and so this morning, I followed up again with a meaty thank you note, using the opportunity to expound on another question she asked me yesterday. Two hours later, I got the rejection note. Boo.

Admittedly, the situation last week did sound like the organization had already put out an offer to someone else and like a dark horse, I weaseled my way into the final round last minute. Maybe this morning, they heard back from the candidate? I dunno, exactly. I suppose the positive perspective is that I made it pretty darn far. But the other side of me, still can’t help but feel sad and disappointed. Rejected again. Somehow, still not good enough, still not the right fit. Sigh. All this time and energy…

I know, I really should focus on the brighter side of it all: I’m definitely getting better with interviewing. The nerves are calming with each successive event. I’m learning to ramp up quickly and come across intelligently on various topics. Plus, my onsite interview the day before with a national environmental NGO went well. I’m slated to meet the line manager in person next Friday while I’m in DC. Still. I really want a win already!!

Beyond those things, I’ve been struggling a bit with periods of overwhelm. Robin Williams. Ferguson. James Foley. Violence, abuse, sadness, people harming/mistreating/killing each other… some days, it’s just too damn much. My heart feels so heavy with sorrow. I’ve been losing sleep again too, with my mind just trying to make sense of it all. But it just won’t EVER make. sense. Ugh. Time for Meditation Oasis again.

Reviewing the Numbers

A week or so into August, and the activity finally seems to be picking up, thank goodness. At my networking group, I am pretty much “all in” these days. Truth be told, I give the most credit to my impatience: for the last several weeks at our team meetings, most people have been reluctant to volunteer for duties. I dunno whether they can’t commit to three weeks at a time like some of the roles require or what, but invariably, we get to that part of the meeting where things come to a standstill. There are roles that need to be filled, and no one steps forward. We can’t move on to the next agenda item until that issue gets resolved. It’s a pretty uncomfortable couple of minutes, and frankly, my distaste for inaction and drawn-out meetings compels me to volunteer.

Granted, I’m not the only over-achieving nerd. There is another newbie who is an even bigger sucker than I am… The dude has volunteered for EVERYTHING, from high-responsibility roles, to teaching workshops, to taking on leadership gigs. Seriously. And he’s such a personable guy to boot. He’s my Shawshank Redemption warden. I really dig him.

So yeah, because I volunteered for a ton of slots, today I ended up:
1. observing another team’s meeting,
2. ushering during the all-hands meeting,
3. reporting on the team I observed, AND
4. volunteering at the computer lab help desk.

Shit man, I was so swamped with people needing help at the lab that I didn’t even have time to hit the restroom. That said, the people are always so thankful for the help and guidance. One dude today asked me about DropBox and when I explained cloud storage to him, holy shit, watching his reaction to my explanation was like watching someone witness magic. He was so blown away. It was pretty frickin’ awesome. And he was so funny about it: he was all impressed with how quickly I navigated on the computer. He was in complete awe. “Oh my god, how are you without a job? You have crazy skills!! You need to be at Google.” So sweet, but clearly, this is someone who doesn’t interact at all with techies, you know?

All in all, it was a pretty full day from 10-4. But hey, I clocked in my volunteer hours! Afterwards, I then met with a fellow ProMatcher who just started an environmental NGO and wants a digital marketing communications volunteer. I know, at some point, I need to stop volunteering and start pulling in the dough, right?

Beyond the volunteer work for ProMatch, things do seem to be picking up. Last Friday, I had a really great phone screen with a recruiter for a communications manager role at a small and lean environmental NGO. Sadly, I ended up withdrawing my app. The pay was just waaay too low with no wiggle room and few other meaty benefits. Bummer.

This Friday I have a phone screen with another environmental org– one really close to home. Then next week, I have round 2 (in person interview) with the big-name environmental NGO in the city. Sadly, still no word from any of the family foundations. Philanthropy sure is turning out to be a tough nut to crack! But I just keep plugging. Tomorrow, I’ll submit for a digital marketing manager role at another foundation nearby. Fingers crossed!

As for my learning, I have a few job center classes on my calendar this week. One class is with the Sunnyvale library on using the A to Z special database to research companies and get the REAL inside business scoop on them. Another class is on interviewing, and then a third one is on negotiating. I haven’t taken any of the negotiation classes yet, but I ALWAYS negotiate job offers. It makes such a huge difference: several years ago for the fuel cell startup, I ended up earning $22k/year more than they had initially offered. Seriously. I know my worth, and I’m not about to get lowballed on that shit.

Ok, so not that you give a damn, but I’m an engineer so just indulge me here. Yes, I have been tracking all my job activities in spreadsheets: one for info interviews and one for applications. Just to get a sense for my response rates, I have compiled the data. I requested 66 info interviews and have been granted 39. Since January, I have applied to 25 targeted job positions, and I have been invited to the first round on 8! Percentage-wise, I’m pretty happy with these rates. But clearly, I need to boost my numbers and cast a wider net. There’s so much more to do! Off to bed so I can rest for tomorrow!

Worn Out

I have a feeling I’m going to be a bit moody this week. This morning, I received notice that I didn’t proceed to the next round for a county job, for which I interviewed last week. I am realizing that my intuition is surprisingly accurate: I didn’t have a great gut feeling about the panel interview: I didn’t sell myself as well as I had in the past. It’s all good. I’s already been feeling a little bit like government culture isn’t the best match for me… Still, my competitive streak wishes I would have advanced in the game… you know, kept all the options on the table with only me to take them off. Ah well, cut my losses I suppose.

I was in SF this morning for another informational interview. I continue to meet really cool people, and goddamn, whoever invented this info interview concept is genius. I mean, really. It is so much more informative regarding culture and fit– which matters more to me than nearly all else. Today was my first time visiting a co-working space: my sense is actually that the environment is potentially distracting. I dunno.

Interestingly, when I registered at the reception, the dude complimented my red F21 pleather jacket. Haha. He said it channeled Michael Jackson. Not a fan of the MJ, but I am a fan of compliments. Made me happy. That little jacket… best $45 ever spent in terms of attracting attention. The guys love it for some reason.

So after my meeting, I schlepped all over the city: I ran some errands at the mall and then figured I would clock in some steps by skipping BART and hopping directly onto Caltrain. Road construction and several pedestrian detours later, I found that I had missed the train and goddamn, it was a windy day. I made a pitstop at Panera because by then, I was windblown, starving, tired (my bag had started digging into my shoulders), and sweaty as hell. I plunked all my shit down at a table, and my entire back was wet from sweat. Ugh, disgusting. And I suddenly felt so deflated. When am I going to find my place– not just job-wise but world-wise? I try to keep my spirits up, but lately, I’ve really wondered whether I am made for this world. I mean, don’t freak out: I’m not talking death or anything but geez, why is this process taking so long? And even though my life is relatively easy, why do so many things feel so hard? Like all this hustling. And then to maintain all the outward appearances too? Like looking professional and polished and shit. So much work!!

I mean, I didn’t even wear my fancy shoes today. When I finally do bust those babies out, how the hell am I going to shuttle in and out of the city while also carrying my load of crap? Someone really needs to invent beautiful TRULY COMFORTABLE, WALKABLE shoes that look swanky. For real. I mean, is the answer that I’m supposed to lug around my sneakers or flip flops and change?? Wtf??

Speaking of primping, I’m on another Pinterest kick, trying to get some new style inspiration and such. I recently came across contouring, and I am super fascinated. Admittedly, I have mild image issues, so this idea of “plastic surgery with makeup” is piquing my curiosity. Mostly, I’m drawn to the luminance: these women just have a glow… I think it’s pretty amazing, so I’m going to give it a try. Just got some bronzer today at Nordie Rack. Of course, John is skeptical. He thinks contouring may have great results for the camera, but maybe it’ll be too strong for real life. Well, beggars can’t be choosers: I would love to look fab in one realm or the other: real life OR on camera. Haha. The online tutorials make it look so ridiculously easy. I know. My self-projects are endless. Can’t help it. Sigh.

My Mood According to Remy

John was telling me the other day that my mood is totally dependent on Remy’s situation. When she struggles, I don’t sleep well and the worry makes me tired. When Remy has a good day, I suddenly feel happier and more energetic. I guess it’s a fairly accurate observation. This morning, I had my phone interview for one of the foundations, and afterwards, I was kinda bummed. I just felt like I’d  left out one of my talking points, and then I didn’t sound particularly articulate. Ugh. I was starting to feel like I had messed up my ONE chance at success (I told you I can be a drama queen). Argh! Despair. But then I thought back to what my coach and I had discussed last week: don’t let the mind spiral downwards. Change the subject.

So I decided to take the pups outside.  And Remy gave me a pleasant surprise. For the last week, her back end has been caving in so severely that she can only manage to pee and eat. All other times, she has to lie down. It’s been a long while since we’ve made it to the park even. But today, she wanted to try. In the front yard, she started moseying towards the park. When we got there, she needed to rest a bit, but then she made it back!! I had a scarf to give her a boost every now and then, but wow, she looks good today! And immediately, I DID feel better. I just have to tell myself that if I don’t make it to the next round for the job, there is still something else out there for me. Someone will see what I have to offer…

I’m feeling tired again. I’ve been feeling a bit too lazy to make myself lunch or to go out and get something. I slept on my neck wrong two nights ago, so my head-neck motion is really stilted.

On a happier note, I found some new songs to play on the uke. The Red Hot Chili Peppers’ Scar Tissue involves too much finger picking, and I found some tabs for Just like Heaven and Linger that just require strumming. They actually sound like the song when I play!! Tonight, I’m going to downtown MV for a uke jam at one of the coffee houses. I’ve only been one other time, and it was really folksy and cheesy, but who cares. It’s something fun that’ll get me out of the house.

What else is on tap this week? My Coursera class; a storytelling networking event in SF tomorrow night; my coaching call; yoga on Wednesday night; lunch with a friend on Thursday; then Jake S. concert on Friday!! Yay.

Btw, I decided to take a break from riding for a bit. I’ve just been feeling so tired still. And the dreary weather just isn’t helping. So now I will have more time on Sunday for other things.

 

Guitarist

With the chilly winter nights, John and I decided to look into getting a fireplace insert. So the other day, I emailed a local vendor asking about options. I didn’t hear back, so that afternoon I headed into the showroom. It was just down the street. When I met the lady, she said, “Oh yes, I got your email. You’re the guitarist.”

Um, what? “Yes, you play the guitar or something. Are you a musician?” Um… I think you have the wrong person. After a few more seconds of back and forth, she said, “You have a picture on your Gmail where you’re playing a guitar.” Oooohhhh. that!!! Haha. Mystery solved. Um, you mean my picture from last Halloween where I’m trying to be all bad-ass rockstar?? Interesting. Maybe I ought to update my photo, so job inquiries and such aren’t pulling up that picture. It kinda suggests character though, right? And, at this point, I have the gothy, pitch black hair (the deep purple dye didn’t quite take) to go with…

By the way, in case you’re curious, a gas fireplace insert is crazy expensive!! In my head, I had a number of about $3k. Turns out, we’re talking close to $6k! Because I’m so goddamned cheap, I think we’re going to just continue status quo. Uggghh.

Struggling

I’m struggling a bit today. I had another night of shitty sleep… I thought all my insomnia woes would disappear after leaving the job, but I dunno. I guess I’m always worrying about something. But I woke up this morning determined to make some inroads today. I’m still pushing these leads for the ranch, and then I went back to the job hunt. The last few people I’ve contacted about informational interviews haven’t responded. I know, it’s a holiday week, so people are probably running around crazy. But I dunno. I guess I just kinda needed a bite.

I’m a little bummed, because I’m sensing that the horse thing is not really going to be sustainable long-term. As John keeps saying, it’s not something you do for the money. The numbers just don’t add up. And I think going into this, I knew that but now I’m feeling a little disappointed by the reality, even if it doesn’t come as a surprise.

I am enjoying working my brain a different way, doing some light sales and trying to come across convincing and such. The people so far have been nice, but in the end, it really is all about the conversions. I spent a little bit of time combing through job postings this afternoon… I just don’t feel jazzed about anything in the usual tech/web content space. I wonder if maybe I just haven’t come across the right opportunity, but what if there isn’t a right opportunity? I’ve been searching for so long.

And John is getting increasingly stressed and unhappy with his work. I feel like it’s time to get back to living IRL (in real life), you know? I’m a little defeated today. And I made the stupid mistake of looking at Facebook’s and LinkedIn’s recommended connections: All these people who have it all figured out. Fuck.

I didn’t call my parents this week. I mean, they haven’t been pressuring me, but it’s almost like a conditioned response  I have. Like I anticipate that the job situation will come up, and then I just stress that I have nothing new to report. Three months after leaving, I have nothing that makes a living. And then with the upcoming holidays… everyone is going to be asking me what I’m doing. If I had kids, unpaid work would be an acceptable response. Ugh, I’m falling into that destructive spiral again about expectations and self worth and life purpose.

On the bright side, I went out this afternoon and got ingredients for Thanksgiving. Every year we host a party, but this year is kinda quiet. I think we just want to be alone with each other. I’m going to try and do a modest dinner. And tonight I’m trying a new recipe as well. Thank goodness my buddy G turned me on to Skinnytaste. The recipes are actually doable for my level, and stuff comes out tasty! Well, I’d better get cooking: John will be home soon.

Busted (Again)

I’ve had my wedding ring for a very long time. And because of my poor track record (one time, I actually found my wedding ring in the garbage can!!), I try as much as possible to just keep the thing on my finger. That includes when I play sports, when I go rollerblading, when I go horseback riding, when I go swimming/hot tubbing, when I’m cooking or cleaning…

So today, while I was having lunch at my friend’s house, I looked down, twirled my ring around my finger, and bam! I noticed one of the small pave diamonds was gone. Shit. The last time I busted stones out of this thing, it was after I had spent 12 hours assembling a monster office desk from Staples. In the final step of assembly, John and I lifted the table top + hutch combo (SUPER HEAVY) to set it onto the leg supports. Because the damn thing was so f-ing heavy, I set it down misaligned and in a split second, all the weight crushed onto my fingers (and ring). My perfectly round ring got totally bent out of shape (it looked like the state of Ohio after that), and I lost 3 or so of the accent diamonds. Ugh.

So now, about 11 years after first receiving this precious bauble and 7 years after that first accident, now I have to get it fixed again. And sadly, my ring is all dirty from neglect. All those soaps and lotions sure add up. Yes, I will have to clean it before I hand it over to the experts. Kinda like how my friends pre-clean their houses before the cleaning lady comes…

I do love my ring. I remember how I was totally drawn to all those super simple, blocky, modern designs in the beginning…  oddly though, when I tried those on in the stores, they looked awful– totally mismatched for my hand.  This ring was uber sparkly and kinda princessy. I really didn’t want to like it. But when I put it on, it just made my hand look so long and slender and beautiful… like the hand of a hand model (Sigh! The profession that got away!) .

I really should take better care of my ring. This is a good reminder. Maybe I’ll add monthly cleanings/brushings to my Google cal. 😉