Category Archives: Health

Glorifying Busy

Remember way back in July when I gushed about seeing Arianna Huffington at BlogHer? She did this whole spiel about how our culture loves to glorify busy. Well, I definitely felt the truth in her words, but shit, old habits die hard.

Somehow, months later, I have found myself back on the treadmill. Today, I was in SF for Day 2 of the Social Good Tech Summit. Yeah, I paid for the tickets on my own and attended for myself. No surprise there. I’m a nerd at heart. At least, work let me count Friday as a professional development day!

So today’s session was good, but it was also an honest reminder that I really am a step or two outside of my sweet spot. Social media for higher ed just isn’t in that inner circle where tech intersects with social impact. That realization makes me kinda sad. The other takeaway from today is that I’m starting to get soft again. Remember those times when I was networking like a fiend, going to event after event, introducing myself to strangers, posing questions to speakers, trading contact info with random people I met? I worked so damn hard, desensitizing myself to my social anxieties and now, those skills are soft again. Yesterday, I must have gone the entire day at the conference without conversing with anyone. Ok, so I introduced myself once, but then I really didn’t engage in conversation. So lame. Naturally, out of fear of regression, today I made a point of asserting myself. Super uncomfortable. I met a German guy who blogs about travel and wearables. I also chatted with a Czech lady about social enterprises. She was smart, not to mention tall, blonde, and gorgeous. Some days I really wonder what it must be like to be white, blonde, blue-eyed, and tall. The world must respond in such a different way… Or even if I were a dude… So many things would be different. But I digress. The people I met today were nice, but afterwards I felt so lacking. Like the lady was so hungry about creating and growing her startup. Talking to her made me think about being hungry vs. being busy. Which am I? I was so inspired yesterday by the presenters who were using tech to facilitate real, concrete change: registering a shit ton of voters; creating visualization apps to help doctors more accurately treat (and educate patients about) brain cancer; training family members of sick patients in India to have a better understanding of ailments and treatments… What am I doing day to day? How is my work contributing to change? The link is pretty weak. Yet, I continue convincing myself that in some way I am building new skills, learning new things… I  am feeling more comfortable and more settled into my role now. I feel happy too when my students are excited and eager to share their ideas and thoughts with me. I hope that I’m a good manager and that they enjoy working with me…

Famous and successful working women always say that “having it all” is a sham: you can’t “have it all” at the same time. Their comments remind me that people do things for different reasons at different times. So what are my reasons for doing this right now? And for how long will those reasons hold? So many thoughts swirling in my head. Are you sick already of hearing them?

Interestingly, I came across this article the other day about Type A personalities. What do you think? I know, I will spend my whole life trying to deny that I am Type A. If this reveals anything, J and I actually reviewed the list together item by item, and he claims that I meet at least 22 of the 25 criteria. See? I’m moderate.

Btw, I recently discovered some fitness programs included as part of my on-demand cable subscription. You know me: always lured by two keywords– free (or included) and fast. This time, it happens to be Jillian Michael’s 20-Minute Shred. Yes, considerably longer than my 7-minute workout, but this gives me something interesting to watch while I sweat my brains out. I have done two days so far. Yeah, those ripped muscles are emerging already!

Capacity

In my last post, I detailed a plan for getting myself out of my current funk. I intend to follow the plan, but that doesn’t necessarily stop the overthinking. Haha. On the flight to the East Coast this morning, I was thinking about my own capacity. Why have I felt so on edge these last few months? Am I feeling burdened or troubled by more factors than usual, or has my tolerance and patience decreased without me knowing?

The thing is, I don’t feel optimistic about the future. Increasingly, I find myself dreading all the inevitable things coming down the pipeline. Am I being morbid? Maybe. My grandparents are aging, my in-laws, my parents, Martin… I worry about how I will handle all of this. If I am already flipping out about the combination of work, Martin (with non-life threatening issues), my friend N, my funk, J’s funk, the goddamn NuWave oven going kaput (more on that later), holiday logistics, etc… how the hell am I going to deal with stuff when the REAL shit hits the fan? Will I discover new capacity, or will I completely lose my mind? OMFG. I really am morphing into my mother. And yes, that is a horrible, awful thing. Why? Because she allows fear to paralyze her. Fear stops her from finding solutions. Fear stops her from discovering, from learning, from living. Maybe statements like this aren’t cool to say out loud. I’m sure moms out there are taking offense. I acknowledge that parenting is a shit ton of work, and sure, let’s applaud these women for their effort. But as one of my friends once said, trying to be a good parent doesn’t necessarily equate to being a good parent. By the same token, trying to be a good daughter doesn’t equate to being a good daughter. I suppose the simplest way to say this is that my relationship with my mother is complicated.

Speaking of co-dependence, on the drive to the airport this morning, my car started shaking at high-speed. In the last week, my Honda Civic hybrid definitely started driving jerkier than usual, but I didn’t think much of it. After all, I take it in pretty regularly for the oil changes, maintenance, etc. It’s kinda just always been a shitty ride. Two days ago though, the shaking grew more intense, and I made a mental note to tell J. Well, in the holiday hustle, I completely forgot.

So this morning, before the crack of dawn, we loaded my car and headed for the airport. As soon as we got on the highway, the car started vibrating. J was like, “This is not right. Why didn’t you say anything? We should have taken my car.” Well, we had already left the house a ways, so let’s just get to the airport. The shaking intensified, but then subsided once we got to Burlingame. I made a comment that the shaking went away, and literally, seconds later, there was a really loud cycling noise and what sounded like parts flying off the car. Less than a mile from our airport parking garage, we pulled over with a blown out flat tire. So yup, there we were on the side of the highway at 6a on Christmas Eve. I’d never gotten a tire blowout before, so I was immediately thinking, shit, we’re going to miss the flight, because I dunno how to change a tire and I gotta call roadside for that shit. In my panic, I called T. J was like, “We’ll change it. They can’t do anything for us.” Sorry T, premature call! So J starts pulling all our luggage out of the trunk and moving it to the back seat. Like a total dumbass, I’m standing next to the car on the side with cars speeding by at 80 mph. I was such a useless piece. After a bit of fumbling around, I busted out the manual to figure out how to remove the damn hubcab and use the jack. Turns out, we didn’t even use the jack right until the very end, but whatever, we got the donut on. And holy shit, we made our flight with time to spare. Thank goodness for Bubbey!

Afterwards though, I was a little freaked out, you know? Like what would have happened if I were alone? I could have lost control of the car and gotten into an accident. Or I would have been stranded roadside, waiting for AAA to come help. Fucking no survival skills!!! WTF?? I mean, it is what it is. I guess now I know how to change a tire. Still, I was all disturbed feeling like a lame girl. Ugh. Ok fine, get over it.

Meanwhile, J is already insisting that this is a sign I need a new car. It’s true. From the beginning, this first hybrid by Honda has been a disappointment. Still, I was committed, plus I just didn’t want to go car shopping. You see, I had researched a car for my dad and a car for my grandfather… I was just over it. Clearly, procrastination is real. But now, it’s time to confront the issues that must be addressed. Maybe after we get back to town. Get ‘er done. The holiday adventure begins right?

Fighting the Funk

I’ve been in a total funk lately. Just two months ago, I was all bright-eyed and cheery about landing my new job. Then the job started, and I quickly grew overwhelmed by the pressure of having to constantly produce content and for a very broad audience. Being at a religious institution, surrounded by college students, I also felt really out of place for the environment and for the job. In turn, that led to a major crisis in confidence, and since then I’ve been battling to get back on even footing.

The thing about change is that you grow to expect the unexpected. After the past year, I consider myself a seasoned pro– someone who even gravitates towards and actively seeks change. Well, apparently not. I really questioned whether this misfit would eventually work itself out.

The good news is, after putting in a shit ton of extra hours and effort early on, I queued up content for my trip to Asia in November, got back, and then resumed pounding the pavement. By December, I was feeling better, like I was maybe getting the hang of things. But just as I was starting to acclimate at work, anxiety and depression started creeping in. Everyday, SOMEthing compounded my growing negativity. Last time, I wrote about the disheartening news about N. I’m annoyed now because more than a week later, I have yet to speak with her. Part of the problem is the East Coast-West Coast time zone difference. Also, last week I had a lot of work-related events after hours. Still, she just isn’t answering the phone. And that pisses me off. Yes, I know firsthand that people withdraw when they are in a funk. After all, who wants to burden others with his/her woes, right? On the other hand, I don’t like feeling blown off, and you know me with my “friendship cultivation.” Anyway, her situation causes emotional distress: the problem-solver part of me wants to find a solution; the friend part of me requires her interaction and participation to talk it through; the depressed part of me wants to just let it all go. Fuck the world. Jekyll and Hyde, anyone??

These last few weeks, I’ve been feeling a sense of danger, like internally, a red flag is going up. There have been multiple moments where I have felt frustration and anger bubbling inside. I describe the bubbling as “rage,” but my friend T says rage is an outward, uncontrollable blindness. In these instances, I have never erupted, but I feel super unsettled inside, like I’m nearing an edge. Am I about to completely lose my shit and go mental? I dunno. Some days it really seems possible! So here’s the plan moving forward.

First things first: I’m cutting back with work. In the last week, especially with the holidays and all, I’ve definitely noticed a lot of slacking off at the office. The holidays don’t really have that kind of an effect on me, because I dunno, I guess I’m usually not that holiday-spirited, but still, I made sure to attend all the “fun” staff holiday events. I need to chill the fuck out, after all. Also, I considered these good opportunities to bond with people I currently know/like, while also familiarizing myself with potential allies in other departments. Two birds, one stone, baby. Truth be told, I am still clocking in extra hours, but it’s definitely curtailed, so go me! The other good thing (a pleasant surprise) is, I’m now pretty good friends with two people in my department– sadly, one is leaving but the other one started two weeks after me, so we’re newbies together. Both are very funny and super knowledgeable about media, marketing, and pop culture. They say they are also game for karaoke, so I’m very thrilled to add to my karaoke posse.

Second, I’m finally moving my ass more. I know exercise is one of life’s little secrets, and shit my bud M is so disciplined with it. I’m not yet back to doing the 7 Minute workout, but I am walking more on campus and taking the pups on extended walks. The plan is to reintroduce 7 Min very soon.

Third, now that Martin’s tests have all come back normal, we’ve been troubleshooting his trembling, anxiety, and spooking. We had a weird suspicion last week that maybe he was hearing some kind of electronic device that was inaudible to us. So one night, we unplugged a bunch of things in the house: the wine fridge, the laser printer, the dropcams, a bunch of stuff. Whaddya fucking know? He slept through the night. We continued the test for two nights (same results) and then slowly brought the electronics back online one by one. For the most part, all of us are sleeping better through the night. I still get up around 2-3a to use the bathroom, and last night, Martin was pacing again, but hopefully, he was just anxious because he saw all of our luggage out. I’m always fascinated by how dogs piece together those patterns. Anyway, I still feel like I have a sleep deficit to overcome, but my goal is to be all even Steven by the new year. And with decent sleep, I will be ready to conquer the world. Muhahaha.

Fourth, I’m bringing back the hobbies. Last week, I busted yuki out for the first time in over a year. I realized recently that there is a part of me that’s very “all or nothing” about skills and hobbies. I have to be making noticeable progress of some kind; otherwise, I don’t want to invest the time. This is an attitude I’d like to change. My friend J once remarked, “Why are you taking riding lessons? Who cares about the techniques? You love to ride. Just take the horse out and ride!” His comment kinda took me aback when he said it, but thinking back, he might really be on to something. I had been so obsessed with the technique– the beats, the rhythm and counts, the correct diagonal, the exact right nudge at the precise part of the horse… A mild case of perfectionism, maybe? I see his point, and I actually think it boils down to the absence of mindfulness. I rarely enjoy moments for their own sakes. Everything is some sort of means to an end. I would like to be more mindful.

In that vein, I bought myself a new karaoke system last weekend. I’d been missing karaoke for a long time, and even though I love the KTV house in Cupertino, the place doesn’t allow any alcohol or outside food. I mean, I don’t need booze to have fun, but my friends do (ha!), plus what’s a party without food and drink? Whatever, I did a little bit of research and discovered that a new system is on the scene– made by the creators of Guitar Hero. I found the system in store locally and bought the system the very next day. Yes, I have already clocked in several hours of solo singing. Haha! Slowly but surely, my plan for recalibration WILL work.

Irreversible

We hear it a billion times. Nothing is more important than health. Well this afternoon, I got some really disappointing news about my buddy N. She’d been doing AMAZEBALLS, especially in the last year– having lost a shit ton of weight, exercising, going out, experiencing a life she’d never really lived… For the first time ever, she was happy, like really, truly happy. I visited her a year ago in fall and then again last summer in June. I was so relieved that things were finally looking up for her.

Then I remember two months ago in October, when I emailed all my peeps announcing my new position, I never heard back from her. I kinda thought it was weird, and a part of me even thought selfishly, WTF? I finally have good news, and you don’t care?

Well, today I spoke with her mother, who had called last week to see how we were faring with the Pineapple Express. Turns out, N threw out her back in October. She was on a total roll– swimming, playing tennis, working out, and somehow doctors suspect that the physical exercise caused her spinal cord to start coming out of the spine, and the rubbing against the bone (or something else) causes excruciating pain. Her mother didn’t know the exact term for the condition, but it’s really bad. So now N goes to work, but then pretty much she cannot move without suffering some kind of piercing pain. All evening activities are now shot: no gym, no going out, nothing. Doctors did a CAT scan last week, and they are waiting to hear more, but the solution likely involves back surgery, and the chance of success for the particular operation is only 50/50.

N is a medical person, and her mother says she’s very worried about the options and the procedure. The exercising and healthy lifestyle have now ground to a complete halt, and she is overeating again. So just like that, the progress that took years in the making is receding and is exacerbated by shitty insurance and very expensive medical bills. Her mother doesn’t sound good either: she’s frustrated, discouraged, afraid, and stressed. I will be calling N to get the full scoop from her. I’m hoping the situation is not as dire as it sounds. But fuck! I think about how so many people live their lives spending time chasing things that in the end aren’t even important. Yet we insist on spending our time and energy in that way. Why? So many unhappy, miserable people, procrastinating with self-care and for what? I’ve been such a dumbfuck these last few months. Why is it so goddamn important and absolutely critical that I bust my ass and kick butt at work… to the point of letting all other things that help maintain my own mental health and sanity fall to the wayside? Why do I do that? Why did my father do that? Why do so many people work in jobs that are killing them?

There’s no denying that money is important, because after all, medical shit is crazy expensive. But maybe if we were better to ourselves in the first place, we wouldn’t have to search desperately for ways to repair problems that have ballooned due to years of neglect. I don’t really know if these current back issues are attributed to N having been overweight for a very long time. Sometimes though, health feels a lot like time: lost time is gone forever. It cannot be made up. I think of those Hollywood celebs who abused their bodies for so long with alcohol, drugs, smoking, whatever. You can only get back so much with new habits and/or money. Some of the damage is just irreversible.

Many years back, my aunt had gotten into a car accident, and the other driver was severely injured, requiring multiple surgeries, etc. My aunt made some comment about her bad luck– getting into this accident that was costing her so much money. And my grandfather said, “You can earn more money. That person will never be able to have full range of his arms again.” For some reason, this also makes me think of all the protests, looting, and rioting happening in response to Ferguson and Eric Garner. People complain about the store damage, the broken glass, the vandalism, etc. While I don’t agree with property damage as a tactic of protest, I do feel strongly that things can be replaced or repaired. But those lives– they really are gone forever.

Breaking Point

Last night was a disaster. The day itself went relatively well. In the morning, I was at ProMatch. We had a guest speaker who provided a ton of metrics about the job search. His strategy? Contact people and withhold the resume. Instead, argue your value, say why you’re a fit, and then end with, “contact me if you think there is potential. I’d be happy to send you my resume then.” The approach is similar to what I’ve read with The Human Workplace column. I’m a huge fan, but sometimes going against convention is easier said than done.

The overarching idea is to be confident about what you can offer and also, to NOT appear desperate. I mean, he’s right: so much of this process has this lame, underlying power dynamic. I’ve discussed it before: this constant wishing and hoping to be cool enough for school. Anyway, I’m glad to be reminded of this alternate approach, and I think I’ll give it a try.

Also, you would not believe: remember the recent interview where I felt like the interviewer was questioning my work ethic because I said I valued work-life balance? Well shit, a few days later, the hiring manager started calling my references, and I am invited to meet next week with the head of university relations, the boss’ boss’ boss. I’m pleased.

In the evening, I was in SF attending a Tech and Philanthropy event. The event was hosted by a tech startup, so of course, the location was some super swanky rooftop terrace with catered appetizers. I chatted with a bunch of people, and I really felt inspired being surrounded by people working to solve society’s ills. I was feeling re-energized and re-affirmed about spending so much of my efforts targeting this area. I collected several cards, and I’ll be following up with those peeps.

After I got home though, things went downhill fast. Earlier in the day, I had received an email out of the blue from Verizon Wireless, stating that my account had been charged $80 this month. As I haven’t been a customer with Verizon since January 2014, I thought the email was spam, but I called to verify just in case. What I thought would be a simple 5-minute call led to a 90-minute debacle. Turns out, we have been charged for iPad data service this whole time. I didn’t receive any email notifications nor paper bills. Yes, I had seen the charge on my credit card for many months: for whatever reason, my brain just chocked it up as mobile service. I dunno. I should have caught it but I didn’t. Expensive mistake. So then I was on the phone for 90 minutes escalating the issue, talking to three reps arguing my case to get a refund for services that I never used. In the end, the most they agreed to do was credit us back half. I remember at the time, as soon as we had switched from Verizon, I lost online access to my account. Then because I was on e-bills, I never got the paper statement… which we needed for T-Mobile to pay the early termination fee. Whatever happened with that? Fell through the cracks also. T-mobile requires paperwork within 60 days of switching. Fuck. It was all too much.

When I think back to that switch, the whole process had so many bad signs. The day we switched to T-mobile, the store people were incompetent. They told us we’d get switched in 20 minutes. It turned into over two hours. They assured us that everything switched over. Now, we realize that just the two phones switched over, NOT the tablet. Then, even though they said our house had good signal, when we got home, it sucked. I had to call and argue with them to ship a signal booster. That worked and then the unit went kaput. I had to get another signal booster. Then Remy started her rapid decline, blah, blah, blah.

So when I finally got into bed last night, I just started crying hysterically. It wasn’t about the lost money. Ok, partly it was. But more than that, it was about all these details and moving parts. I’m supposed to be a great project manager. I’m supposed to be organized. When I was on the phone with T-mobile, the rep said, “All these months, your card was charged $80/month. Why are you discovering this now?” I felt so stupid and incompetent. There was no other explanation other than that I had dropped the ball. I need to own that.

Then I thought about all these things that are not getting done. I don’t cook regular meals. I discovered Marty’s infections about a month or two later than I should have. The garage is still a fucking disaster zone. I haven’t exercised in ages. I have spent zero time monitoring our investment portfolio. Sure, I stepped up at ProMatch, and I started volunteering for the environmental NGO. I’m also wanting to volunteer for the Asian Women’s Shelter. But I have so many new skills I have to learn, so many social impact talks I want to watch, so many books I have to read. I have so many follow-ups I have to do, more networking, more job applications. I suddenly felt overwhelmed. Where is my capacity? No job. No kids. No dependents, and I still can’t get my shit together. Goddamn, I sobbed like a dumbass last night. I just couldn’t stop crying.

Poor Bubbey. It was like 1:30 in the morning, and he was just trying to rest. He was slated to take me to the airport early in the morning for my trip to see G in Seattle. He suggested I take a break. Immediately. Mistakes happen. There’s a lot going on. I’m just doing too much. So I am taking this as an indication to step back and re-evaluate. Yeah, ya think?

Sleepy

I’ve been feeling super tired lately. The last time I was this damn tired, I had a gas leak in the house. Haha, yeah, I suppose I should get PGE out here again just to double check for that, huh.

The more likely story though, is that I have been doing a lot. Stepping up at ProMatch has demanded a few extra hours per week. A friend of mine, who is a leadership trainer and coach, just launched a virtual “mastermind” class so I’m now reading John Maxwell’s book, Becoming a Person of Influence (and I’m a super slow reader) plus participating on weekly group calls. You know me, anytime I hear about some opportunity to learn about leadership and shit, I get sucked in. Never mind that I hate interactive, small group learning formats. The first class was Wednesday night, and there was the whole “go around and introduce yourself and tell why you are participating” exercise. I want to support my friend, but I have done similar setups before, and I dunno, it’s just not my thing. Can’t quite put a finger on it. I know I’m super candid and open about sharing personal junk in my blog, but there’s just something about the two-way exchange, talking about personal growth with strangers. Whatever. It’s only four sessions, so not a huge deal. But yeah, I’m up late tonight staying on top of the readings and such. I know, it’s the nerd inside me: I take my assignments seriously.

Oh, I forgot to mention that at ProMatch, I also joined a “Success Team,” which is essentially a group of six people who meet every week to check in on their job searches. Frankly, I’m pretty motivated and driven solo: I don’t really feel a need to have accountability partners, but the experts say there are a host of benefits to these groups. I’m hoping I’ll gain additional feedback or insights on my job process techniques. Maybe they’ll be able to help me optimize, or they’ll introduce me to contacts. I dunno. In the very least, the people are self-selected, meaning people mutually choose who they want on their team. So I jive with my peeps pretty well, and all of them seem really motivated. We’ll see how this goes for me.

This morning, I was so pissy. I swear to god, every year Bridge School irks my nerves. I logged in right at ten to get tickets, and John was telling me get the good seats. Well, the clock must have been like 10:00:05, and the supposed best seats were already all the way in the corner, just a few rows before lawn?!?!? Surely, there was some mistake, so I tried again, this time specifically selecting the highest priced tier. I should have known better and just opened a new tab, but I didn’t. And then I never got into the system again. Fucking A!! I’m such an idiot. I think something very similar happened two years ago too. I was so incredulous that five seconds after tickets went on sale, the best seats were so far near the back, that I was convinced something was wrong with the website. Then I lost my place in the queue and got screwed. Argh.

Today, I thought I would try to win tickets from the radio station, but then I didn’t ever turn on the radio. Whatevs. I only feel badly because we were supposed to go with John’s sis and her beau. My bad. She ended up getting lawn tickets maybe through StubHub or something. Event tickets are so ridic expensive. I’m really annoyed by it. I mean, are people really dropping like $500 pp at these auction sites?? Too cray for me. I’d rather go on a trip. I know, I’m so damn judgey! Ha.

After that whole fiasco, I had a phone interview 30 min later for an assistant director of social media gig at an area university. I had applied last week by emailing the hiring manager directly and attaching all my docs. That’s my new MO now. I try to bypass the job system black hole by just skipping straight to the decision maker. Of course, after I didn’t hear back from her in a few days, I did go ahead and also submit through the automated system. I dunno. I kinda likened it to government jobs. They’re very “by the book.” That said, I’m convinced reaching out to her directly still helped draw some additional attention to my materials.

Anyway, the call went well. She’s a little concerned about the salary– again significantly lower than my past gigs, but I’m actually kinda stoked about working in higher education and academia. Though the salary sucks, the other benefits (including tuition for classes) seem pretty cool. Plus, the lady just sounded like a really cool boss. And the role is on a small and nimble communications team… I would get a lot of opportunity to do a lot of different things and to implement creative ideas. So we’ll see what happens. Fingers crossed for an onsite interview.

What else. I had another info interview this afternoon. I’m up to like 45 info interviews now. The lady was very kind to meet with me, but she was pretty adamant about her job “just being a job”– and not her life. She said something about how some people have all these unrealistic notions about waking up everyday excited and motivated to go to work… I interrupted her right then and there and said, “I’m one of those people.” The thing is, my last job WAS that way for a long time. I really loved my job. And no joke, every Sunday night, I was excited about the weekend being over, because I could go back to work… Obviously, things changed and that’s why partly why I left but yeah, I want to wake up eager to get to work and happy to move the needle in some small way. I also want to be inspired by my colleagues and by the leadership. That’s what I want, and I’m not going to settle or apologize for aiming high. Anyway, it was an interesting conversation… and a good reminder that we’re all different with what we want to get out of life.

Itchy Britches

OMFG, today was the craziest day ever. Lately, meaning for the last few months, Martin has been scratching and biting around his tail like crazy. Seriously, we’re talking compulsively biting and scratching. We’ve never had an issue with fleas, but I took a real close look anyway as soon as he started scratching there. Didn’t see a damn thing, so I figured it was some kind of allergy. I switched his food, and his coat got better, but he was still super itchy. So then I determined that maybe the issue wasn’t a food allergy but rather, an environmental allergy. I didn’t know, but what else could I change about my environment? Nothing, so I just left the issue status quo.

Then, I started getting bug bites all over my body. I blamed the skeeters, because Bubbey always leaves the doors wide open to cool down the house. I’d wake up in the middle of the night, jarred from my slumber by this annoying buzzing. I would jump up in bed, turn on the light, and start hunting. Even though I would often find and kill the critter, the damage was already done. Those fuckers ALWAYS got me.

Last month, the situation worsened: Martin started scratching even more, and the fur on his rump started balding, and the skin was dry and scaly. I too was getting bites all over my legs– on my feet and between the toes even. I just assumed that my feet had found their way out of the blankets while I slept or something. Since I still couldn’t SEE the fleas, I figured mosquitoes or spiders were the culprits.

Well this morning, I awoke to clusters of bites on my thigh and in the back of my waist. And I was itchy as hell!!! WTF? I started thinking that maybe I was getting shingles again, triggered by all the job hunting stress. So I made an appointment to see the doctor, and I decided to take Martin to see the vet. What do you fucking know??? Fleas. According to the vet, fleas are the worst they’ve been in well over a decade. Something about the drought and crazy heat. I dunno, but shit. Now I feel so damn dirty!! And on top of that, Martin has flea allergy dermatitis, meaning all the irritation is an allergic reaction to the bug bites. Ugh!!

So I did a shit ton of laundry today (screw the drought, this is an emergency), and then I even got the carpets steam cleaned for the first time ever… since our carpets were installed in 2010. I know. But my parents just never got their carpets and rugs professionally cleaned. They used their own Bissell. Meanwhile, I put Frontline flea treatment on Martin, and I vacuumed the shit out of the house. One other lesson I learned? You know how I used to be totally OCD about vacuuming every damn day? Well, the therapist had convinced me that it was overkill (and irritating to John), so I cut it back to a few times a week. Well turns out, vacuuming actually picks up all the fleas and their eggs… so shit, I should have never let up on that habit.

The good news is, there is relief for Martin. He’s gonna start taking oral meds that will lessen his allergic reaction. Meanwhile, where’s the human equivalent for me, because I am fucking scratching this shit up raw. Soooooo itchy. To kill the irritation, I like to take hot, short showers. Well, the doctor told me today that heat makes the area even itchier. Huh?? Why is this shit messing with me?

I changed all the bedding, and I’m going to shower again tonight before bed. Shit, I sure hope I won’t have to resort to spraying myself with OFF at bedtime.

Race Against Time

I’ve been feeling super fatigued lately. Over the Memorial Day holiday weekend, I slept a shitload. My body just felt so damn tired. I know, when most people hear about me sleeping a ton, they suspect depression, which I suppose is possible but dayum, I hope it’s unlikely. I was feeling so physically tired, like my body just could not move, like my body couldn’t even climb out of bed. Maybe some of this makes sense, because I’ve had trouble sleeping again lately: I’ve been staying up really late working or reading or just thinking… John’s snoring is not getting any better, and on top of that, he’s been having some pretty serious back pain.

Why are we broken? Are we so fragile that a few years shy of 40, we’re already riddled with such ailments? It just doesn’t seem right. Have we gotten soft, or were we were always this feeble? WTF is going on??

At times, I feel so full of determination and resolve, you know? Like I’m going to figure this shit out, and I’m going to hustle like nobody’s business to find clarity, strive for success, and attain fulfillment. And then, I suffer a few setbacks, and I lose momentum. After a few days, the cycle starts again. Up and down, up and down. Jesus, and I consider myself to be a pretty reliable and steady person. But lately, I’ve been thinking again about this feeling of squandered privilege.  I’m trying so hard to get this right, to live my life with purpose and intention, to not have any regrets, but where am I headed and on what schedule??? I’m moving in a direction; yet, every damn day my patience and faith (in the process) is tested. What is the problem here? Not enough confidence? Poor self perception? No self awareness? Lack of resiliency? And as I write this, it becomes clear that self-doubt is the common theme with all of this. Surely, the problem is me, right? Not smart enough; not competent enough; not polished enough; not talented enough; not hungry enough… I know, are you sick of the broken record yet? I recognize the pattern; I am aware of the onslaught that so often follows the setbacks. And goddamnit, I really should know better. After all, I’ve read all those books on personal growth and development. Confidence and courage are so damn critical; yet, I find these qualities to be as fleeting as they are important. Is this some insane, torturous mind game I just keep playing with myself?

Last week, I vowed to “sell the house” a la Carolyn in American Beauty. I stepped up my game. I reached out to new people, to old people, to more people, with better strategy and more gumption. Some replied (yay!); others didn’t. I know, it was a holiday weekend: maybe people are still getting caught up, but tomorrow will be a week later. It’s a numbers game, I remind myself.  I comb through my contacts spreadsheet; I research more; I study more; I keep plugging. But I still falter, why?

Last week, I was reminded of death again. An acquaintance who had acquired a horse less than one year ago, lost him suddenly, after a freak accident forced her to put him down. It’s a tragedy that tells me to count my blessings and be grateful for each day. That UCSB incident? Again, life is so damn precious. I don’t really fear death, but I fear untapped potential. Every day, I feel a pressure to be true to myself, to live authentically, to “make things count.” I feel rushed, and I don’t know how to balance that with the mindfulness and meditation. That’s the irony in all this, right? I seek peace and yet, time is so finite and there is no time to lose. So what’s the strategy? Appreciation and enjoyment in the now; satisfaction in the ongoing journey; faith that the path will lead where it needs to go. Baby steps, patience, and perseverance. Sounds simple. Ugh, I really gotta Andy Dufrense that shit. (Holy crap, I just realized that YouTube has EVERYTHING!!) And btw, I don’t really watch that much tv: clearly, all the films I reference are from the late 1990s. Shrug. Nose back to the grindstone.

Mental Shifts

I am feeling so much better these days. Goodness, what a difference a week makes!! Remy is back to walking again (she had gone lame the week prior but she’s doing good now with adjusted meds), and I made several deliberate changes this past week to get my groove back.

For one thing, I started exercising this week after a 1 1/2-month hiatus. I had read about this phone app (of course) called the 7 Minute Workout, and so I started with that. It sorta aligns with my “impatiently efficient” pace to life. Yes, it is JUST 7 minutes but holy crap, I am super sore, and right now 7 minutes is just about my tolerance for exercising discomfort. Haha. It’s a nice way to kick off my mornings, and I’m convinced it’s helped bring back my energy. We’ll see. I’m hoping for visible results soon. Like yesterday. Or tomorrow. John was making fun of me a few days ago asking “You are wanting to see results after just 35 cumulative minutes of exercise???” I know, I really need to work on my patience!!

My work with my personal coach is going really well. I have been consciously diverting myself as soon as I notice my mind going south… my uke offers an instant shot of joy. Or I’ll take the dogs for a walk in the park. The weather has been warm and sunny again so that helps.

Along similar lines, I had an epiphany last week regrading Remy. Her health has been really up and down this last year, and it’s taken a real toll. Whenever she was having problems, I would overwhelm myself with sad/depressing thoughts about putting her down… and I would have trouble sleeping. I realized that all those times, she never actually died, and yet I was already crossing that bridge before I really needed to!!! So for her, I’m shifting my focus from the doom of death to just appreciating the present moment. What a blessing it is that I have the time off now to spend with her, to care for her, and I want to celebrate each additional day she gives me. I’ll deal with her passing when it comes. So just these few mental shifts have made a huge difference. I’m still so amazed: mind over body is real!!

Last Friday, we saw Jake Shimabukuro in Santa Cruz. He was so amazing. I mean, so vibrant and energetic and happy and of course, ridiculously skilled. We scored 3rd row center seats, so he was just 20′ away. Eeekk! What a magical experience. He was so humble and down-to-earth too: I felt like he could be my real-life buddy!

[FAG id=7401]

Shitty New Year

I’m not gonna beat around the bush. The last few days, I have been feeling really sorry for myself.  You see, last Friday was just a shit day. I had two info interviews that I was really stoked about, and they both got postponed last minute. Both people were really nice about it, and shit just came up so not a huge deal, but I dunno. I guess I was excited about potentially making some new friends. Then Bubbey was still sick on Friday. Thank goodness he actually took the day off to rest. In the afternoon, I had a lovely lunch with my career coach but afterwards, I felt a bit overwhelmed. Like, I’m 37, and I still don’t have my shit figured out. It’s a month into the new year, and I’ve made zero progress… Argh!!! I know, some of it is just negative thoughts, arguably without basis, but I’m just telling you where I’m headed with this. After my lunch, I got home, and I received a contract for the ranch. For months, this organization had said they wanted to book FOUR weeks of summer camps. Now suddenly the contract said TWO. I was really upset. I called to see what the hell had gone wrong. He explained that it had nothing to do with us, but they were noticing drops in their registrations for other spring activities, so they wanted to play it safe. Ugh, seriously?

By evening on Friday, I had to cancel my annual Chinese New Year party. CNY was supposed to be my New Year do-over since I was so fucking sick all of January. But Bubbey just was not getting better, so my long anticipated dumpling party got canceled. I don’t blame Bubbey; of course, it sucks to be sick, and he wasn’t deliberately trying to thwart my party. But I dunno. I was just so frustrated after being sick for so long and not seeing people, not talking to people, and this was something I was really looking forward to. I had gone to the store and gotten all the cheesy, gold/red decorations, planned out the menu, prepped some dishes in advance… Wah, wah. I know, not the end of the world. I still made all the dumplings, and they turned out great (and consistent in appearance at least). I’ll still get to have my party– just a toned-down happy hour version of it sans karaoke and mahjong. For some reason, I just couldn’t let go of the disappointment.

As I wallowed in my self-pity, I thought about that Charity:Water speech I’d watched earlier in the week. The one about the founder and his story of transformation. I thought about how fucking blessed my life is. I’m being a crybaby about being sick, about not having my silly party. And in other parts of the world, women are walking six hours a day to fetch dirty water. Children are dying from diarrhea. I’m so goddamned ridiculous in my privilege.  I started to think about bringing the positivity back. It’s often a challenge for me, but I’m determined.

I also thought about the state drought, and how I need to use less water. I’m cutting my showers back. I’m trying to turn off while I lather up. In the kitchen, when I use water to rinse veggies and dishes, I’m collecting the gray water in jugs to water the plants in the yard. Yes, all just tweaks I’ve made recently, but I feel like these are good practices to adopt once the drought is over (if ever). They remind me of my grandmother who saves and reuses every single little thing, but you know what? There’s no reason to be irresponsible and oblivious just because I can afford to be wasteful, right? Maybe this is really just some fucked up attempt to control something small because everything else feels uncontrollable. I dunno. My mind works in weird ways.

The good news is, we had our first long rain last night. I heard the drops pounding on the roof late in the evening and early in the morning. The bad news is, around 7a, Remy got up and stumbled down the hallway. I opened the side door to let her out. She looked a bit disoriented. When she came back inside, she stumbled to the living room and collapsed. Then, the heavy panting started, and the episode began again. I tried to hug her tightly, but her body went limp and she started wailing. I tried to massage her body, but she was totally out of it. John heard her wailing and came out to the living room. By then, the episode ended. Maybe fifteen seconds or so? I dunno. Afterwards, I realized that again, I hadn’t videoed a damn thing. She was so tired. Her paws were warm to the touch. Why does this keep happening? So I just searched YouTube, and this is kinda similar to what happens with Remy.

I am trying to think of patterns. Two or three times now, this has happened in the very early morning, soon after she awoke and got up to move around. I’m wondering now if maybe it has something to do with the dog bed. The last two times, she was sleeping in the bed vs. on the floor. Maybe the bed is too confining? Maybe something about the cushioning puts pressure on her spine? I have no idea. How to solve this damn mystery without having her suffer through another visit to the vet where they never find anything anyway? Argh. I’m so frustrated with this. Jesus Christ. Seriously, how do parents of special needs children have the patience and fortitude to keep going? I’m so tired, and Remy is just my dog!! Luckily, she seemed fine the rest of the day. We didn’t make it to the park, but she definitely searched around for snacks and Super Bowl Sunday treats in the afternoon. It just is what it is. Remy does seem to be sleeping more soundly at night, which means I am sleeping a bit better. I still get up twice a night but I’m able to get back to sleep. For now, I’m trying to pop a lot of vitamins, fish oil, and zinc supplements so that I don’t get run down again and get sick. Who knows if those will even help.

In other news, Phillip Seymour Hoffman. WTF. My coach is right: all people have their demons. Sadly, too many times love just isn’t enough to save people from themselves. What a damn shame. Life is too damn short. I need to quit stressing about everything. God, just chill the fuck out. Maybe I’ll get a massage tomorrow. I kinda think I need it. 🙂