Category Archives: Health

Kobayashi Part II

As you know, Bubs and I hit up the HOPR back in March for his 40th bday. I was all bummed bc Bubs totally thwarted my plans for leaving the joint with a shit ton of leftovers. So for my bday, I was super stoked about a HOPR do over. In early May, I tried to get reservations for my bday but shit, that place was booked big time and the earliest booking I got was like June 27. WTF? Fortunately, as my charmed life would have it, the week of my bday, a slot opened up for Friday, June 10. I suspect a cancellation came in for the NBA Finals game, but hell yeah, I took what I could get!

All day, I fasted. When we arrived, I was famished. And then, the ritual began: loaf of fresh baked bread, salad with beets and drenched in Thousand Island dressing, English cut beef, creamed spinach, loaded baked potato, and Yorkshire pudding. We sat next to a couple who was there celebrating the hubby’s bday. I overheard them tell the waiter that they come every year for the splurge, and I felt like a spoiled punk already having dined twice in three months. Anyway, as I made my way course by course, by the time I got to the meat, my tummy started feeling nauseas. Oh hell no, you are NOT gonna fail me now. It is GAME TIME, baby! Was it something about the meat this time (medium well) or had I over-fasted? I dunno but shit wasn’t feeling right. J looked over and was like, are you ok? Fuck man, I will not be stopped. I just continued to get it down my pie hole. It didn’t taste bad, but somehow not as savory as last time. The waiter came by and offered the complimentary second plate. Yup, bring it on. Similar to last time when the waitress was like utterly shocked by how much I had consumed, the lady at the next table, also expressed surprise. Yeah people, I don’t back down in a buffet-like setting. If I’m gonna go, there’s only one way to do it. It’s the Chinese in me. Years of training, I tell you. Meanwhile, Bubs devoured his prime rib original cut. Homeboy should have gotten the second plate, but as usual, he refused to play my game. Instead, while I dug into my second plate, I had to endure his disgusted looks. Dude, your dirty looks aren’t gonna shame me into not doing my thang. I took a few more bites, and then I got all that shit packed up. Two full bags. Give my body the night to process everything through the system, and then the next day, I am ready to go again. The leftovers were tasty! The lesson learned here? Obviously, the 40-y/o body isn’t as robust and sturdy as the younger version. I would like to look into re-creating the salad and Yorkshire pudding at home (new inspiration). Between HOPR and the two buffets we had in Vegas with dad, I think it’s time to put buffets behind us. Kobayashi needs to retire!

V is for Vanity

Despite months of “I’m 40” self-proclamations, I officially turned 4-0 this week. So far, birthday week has been pretty good. I’ve gotten a few more bites on Rover (those lil’ doggies are my youth/energy elixir!!), and I was super stoked to receive my Schoola and Thredup shipments. I still can’t believe how fucking affordable used clothing (in great condition) is! I’m gonna be hard-pressed to ever pay for new clothing again. For realz.

On Monday, I met up with K for lunch at a new Italian place (new to us, anyhow). I consumed an incredibly filling meal. I got eggplant parm but the meal also came with salad plus we had cheesy bread plus pasta. Clearly, I’m going full hog this week. Oh well. I hadn’t seen K since last month’s Best Life getaway. I’d kinda gone into unabomber mode since, so I was bummed to hear that K’s been dealing with fam health issues the last several weeks. That health shit always crops up so unexpectedly and it’s fucking scary as hell, esp when lab results never turn up anything definitive. So frustrating, but at the same time, I’m comforted to see that in such emergencies, her people are thankfully well supported and well loved. It’s not always that way, which is a sad reality for many. More on caretaking later.

On my actual bday, I indulged in the world of free. Yup, just my style, right? I started off the day driving into San Mateo with Bubbey. We met M at her neighborhood Starbies, where I got a free chai latte. Then Bubs caught the train and M and I drove on up to Sonoma Mission Inn and Spa. As part of their Good Neighbor Program, I got free admission AND a free dessert. $60 Bubbey bucks, baby. Throughout the day, M hooked me up with food, drinks, and gifts while we gabbed and chilled by the pool. When I got home, Bubs prepped a whole fondue meal. Yeah, it’s pretty damn luxurious being the queen for the day. I lived it up while I could.

What else. Oh, the day before my bday, Bubbey decided to sit me down to go over parental talking points for my trip out to MD next month. Are you for realz with this buzzkill topic? All this heavy and serious shit, like what’s their real plan for Taiwan? Are they really never coming back to the US for any extended period? If so, how do they want to handle offloading all their stuff here? Next, I’m supposed to express gratitude for all that they’ve done for me and offer to take care of them when the time comes. Third, I need to reassure dad that I’ll care of mom should something happen to him. I was like, wtf? I am NOT ready to have those conversations. I mean, hello, remember that massive blowup (ok, just one of many) I had with my mother??? That was just a few months ago! I’m certainly not proposing that they come live near me much less with me. Not. right. now. Then, Bubbey proceeded to comment about how they’ve done so much for me and it’s my turn to return the help. I just started bawling. I know how much they’ve done for me, but at the same time, I never asked to be born. Yes, this sounds super immature and selfish but shit, I still don’t have my crap figured out. How am I supposed to take this on? And I know I have a blessed and privileged life, but to be honest, some days, I really wish I were never born. Like, I wish my mom had aborted me. That’s not to say any ONE thing in my insular world is that horrible, but like I have shared, sometimes I just feel so out of place in this world. Like I’m saddened and overwhelmed and paralyzed by things I see and learn and know.

I know the right answer. And in my mind, it has always been my intention to step up when my parents need me. It has never ever been a question in my mind or in my heart. But in recent months, I’ve just grown so frustrated, not just with my parents but also with seeing parent-child relationships elsewhere, like with my grandparents and my parents, with John’s family, and with other families… It can be a major royal fucking mess– bringing out the worst and/or the best in people. So to have that conversation now, like next month… I’m just not ready today. And maybe that’s the thing about Rover and Pinterest and whatever else is occupying my attention… no matter how complicated or difficult care is for elder dogs, they always accept your choices/decisions free of judgement and with gratitude. When I see the growing suspicion or distrust in parents towards their children, no matter how rarely it surfaces, it bugs the shit out of me. Like with my maternal grandmother towards my dad when he was selling her townhouse or like with my in-laws towards their kids who are trying to get instructions on what to do… I’ve heard and read that when people get old, the paranoia and distrust elevate bc that’s part of the cognitive decline. But it still just makes me feel badly (and angrily), bc I mean, do they think this is easy for the kids? To try and honor the parents’ wishes and to do right by them while also trying to keep their own lives and shit together??? It all just feels like a cruel joke. But ultimately, I know this is life. And fuck, I have it a gabillion times easier than most. So just buck up and get ‘er done.

Back to more light-hearted matters… My next Pinterest experiment is this floral jeans + t-shirt combo. I finally found floral jeans on ThredUp. Guess jeans for only $13!!! I’m wearing them now and somehow this combo doesn’t quite look as good. Hmph! Oh well, good enough!

Btw, I had a funny exchange the other day. My friend asked me if I’d gotten a boob job. Yup, lil’ ol me. What can I say? The power of clothes that fit and swimsuit tops with oomph! Who knew Lands End offered such magic! Regardless, a well-timed compliment just as I enter the 40s Club. Sure enough, I’m becoming vainer and vainer while the face and body get saggier and crinklier. Good times ahead, man.

Guinea Pig

I’ve been feeling a little down lately. Typically, these low phases are triggered by some combination of depressing world news, growing responsibilities with my parents, and feelings of isolation. My typical response to too many uncontrollable factors is to obsess over personal details (factors I can control), so I was pretty full speed ahead on this big Project Me program: I was going to the gym, changing up my makeup routine, trying out some new hair/skin products, re-coloring my hair, experimenting again with my wardrobe, and then also continuing with my real estate classes.

Last weekend, Bubbey was out of town again. He headed back East for his parents’ 50th wedding anniversary. Man, we were on such a great roll this past year and I was so excited about celebrating our many milestones in 2016. But now, in recent months, J’s gotten really busy at work and he’s had to travel a lot more for the job and for his family. By contrast, I spend most of my days relatively quiet, mainly hanging out with Marty, who has his own share of ups and downs. By the time Bubs gets home, he’s chatted out and I’m barely getting started. Sigh. These are the forgotten challenges that come up when one person is on sabbatical, I guess.

After I finished managing the HVAC project last week, I started feeling like maybe it was time to get back into a professional setting, so I sent out some resumes to positions in commercial and residential real estate offices. Despite my many years in project management and specifically with handling residential real estate matters for my parents, it seems that I’ll still have to start from the beginning. I had a pretty good phone interview on Thursday for an admin role with a commercial firm, but the HR lady cautioned that it was entry level with typically 2 years before advancement to the next step… J thinks I should just focus on getting my license and then ramp up immediately as a salesperson rather than waste any time in some admin role, but he also doesn’t seem to notice that I’m quietly withdrawing into oblivion. In the very least, I figure the gig will give me exposure to a new industry, and if it’s not particularly stressful or challenging, I’ll be able to prepare for the license exam while also maintaining work-life balance.

I have a big bday coming up, and even though our Best Life weekend was partly to celebrate my 40th, I thought J and I might still do something together in addition. Turns out, he’s headed back to NYC that week. Initially, he seemed excited about suggesting that I join him for the week, but later, as the project scope and details remained nebulous (with creep likely), it seemed like he wouldn’t necessarily be around. I’m pretty good about exploring a city solo, and I considered inviting my Boston bud to meet me in New York, but I dunno, ultimately, it just sounded like too much coordination and effort. I’m trying not to be upset about it… esp after I watch the news or read about other people’s lives in developing countries (@natgeo on Instagram), I feel totally lame for even complaining. Still, it’s upsetting to feel unappreciated and undervalued– both work-wise and relationship-wise. To combat my issues, I’ve been visiting Pinterest a lot lately, trying to get inspired and motivated.

Speaking of motivation, my kit from SmileClub Direct arrived, and I created my teeth molds. There were four total– two for the upper teeth and two for the lower teeth. What an interesting kit: for each mold, you mix the catalyst putty with the base putty, lay a tube of the mixture into the tray, and cram it into your mouth. Of course, I was a crazy person, so I read every single instruction and tip beforehand, bc I wasn’t about to fuck up my molds. Two chances, beotch. I will say, usually, I have a really high threshold before the gag reflex kicks in, but shit, there were a few times when all that mouth action triggered some heaving. Nonetheless, I think my molds turned out according to spec, and today SCD emailed me saying they received my molds. I cannot wait to get my sample trays (for free teeth whitening) and treatment plan soon. I’m pretty excited to see what comes back. This remote orthodontics thing could be pretty frickin’ cutting edge, no?

On another plus side, Marty has been doing well again. Still finicky with his appetite but he’s been following me around everywhere, watching my every move, and just overall paying attention. His eyes are clear and alert, and he bounces with excitement every time we go for walks and car rides. My little buddy. What would I ever do without him.

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Project Me

Martin had a good day today: he ate some food (without meds); he didn’t vomit; and he went on an extended walk. A few days ago though, my neighbor had emailed me a list of things regarding the City’s On Call Plus service, yard waste, pet sitting, and how Marty was doing. I replied that things weren’t good and I was thinking maybe we were a month away. The next day, she replied that she and her husband hadn’t said anything to their daughter E about this. She suggested that I might start preparing E so she isn’t fully taken off guard when shit goes down. I mean, sure, I know E in that I have paid her to walk Marty during the week for the last year, but she’s 10, and I have no idea how adults communicate topics like death to kids. To be honest, I had been thinking about it, and all along, I’ve been verbalizing that he’s a lot weaker and older and not feeling well, but I dunno, isn’t the deterioration and death of a dog something the parents are supposed to interpret for her? I replied asking for her suggestion. She said E is mature for her age, and I should just “repeat over and over again that Marty is dying.” Really?

A sidebar about my neighbor. She’s a French lady. Very nice, very organized (she’s a project manager), extremely active and disciplined (just turned 50 and started competing in marathons and Iron Woman shit). Now that I think of it, she’s pretty dang direct too in her communication style. Is it a French thing or just her thing? I don’t really know. But an example of her bluntness:

Before we headed to Europe in April, I had “refreshed” my side shave. You see, my initial foray into the side shave was just a teaser. In February, I had shaved a small section from my face back to the front of my left ear. As I had mentioned in my Instagram back then, the move wasn’t nearly as dramatic as I had anticipated. So in mid April, I decided to take the shave a bit closer (number 2) and shave it farther back towards the back of my skull. Maybe by then I had already been desensitized, bc even though it was a lot more noticeable, it still didn’t feel like a huge deal. Then again, when I sent a pic to Bubbey complaining about the vertical demarcation from the old shave, he replied, “Forget the vertical line, how come the shaved area got way bigger?!?!… It’s a little extreme.” Whatever though. What does Bubbey know. So off we went on our European jaunt with my expanded shave debuting in London and Paris. When I got back, the neighbor came over with E to walk Marty. She looked at me with great horror and gasped:

F: Oh my god, what happened to your hair?!?!?!?

Me: Haha. Oh, I just shaved it.

(She was practically speechless.)

F: What did John say???

Me: He said it was a little extreme. (Shrug)

F: Well, it will grow back.

Me: Yeah it will… And then I’ll just do it again.

I always chuckle a bit when I think of that exchange. I really can’t see any of my American friends or acquaintances reacting in such a manner. But yeah, back to the Martin death thing. WTH? Weird, right? Is she tying to give E like unadulterated exposure so the girl isn’t coddled? I dunno. I don’t exactly understand it, but heck, if you want me to play the radical honesty card with a child, I’m game.

So beyond the stressful Marty doggie care these last couple weeks, I’ve been doing my very own version of GTL (S/O to Bubbey’s show Jersey Shore), except my version is Gym, Tanning, Learning. You see, when I was obsessing big time about my physical imperfections a couple months ago, I came to this realization after watching a ton of makeup and skincare tutorials on YouTube: looking good takes a lot of fucking effort. All the makeup people I follow on YouTube? Absolutely stunning and gorgeous. I mean, they’re already naturally pretty even with nothing on, but holy crap, there’s a HUGE difference in before and after. The “enhanced” version is super gorgeous. And these ladies can whip themselves ready in a flash (under 8 minutes). That said, let’s be real. They use a gazillion products AND there’s so much maintenance even beyond the makeup. Seriously, from teeth whitening gels to permed lashes to tattooed brows to shaving their faces to special shampoo… A shit ton of work and effort. So of course, that got thinking: here I am moaning and groaning about how ugly I am, and am I doing all that work? Nope. Just complaining while sitting on my ass. THE worst. So fine, time to step up my game. I have switched up my foundation to give more even, less splotchy coverage. Added bronzer for some healthy glow. And I think I’ve been over-stripping my skin, bc homegirl does a lot of skincare prep to get her acne-prone skin plump and ready before putting on any color. So now I am trying to hydrate my skin more often to see if that will help me achieve her smooth and flawless finish. I’m telling you: that shit is an art, and she is a master. I’m fascinated.

I also did some additional reading on the dermaroller, and I might be giving that up. I haven’t noticed a difference in skin texture after three uses and some papers are claiming that extended use causes serious damage. I might do it a few more times, but I won’t be re-ordering.

On Mothers’ Day, I ordered my evaluation kit from SmileDirectClub. Yes, it’s over 50% cheaper than the regular ortho and that def plays a factor with cheapie old me, but honestly, more than anything, I can’t help but be intrigued with the concept of mail-order ortho treatment. So I’m going to create the molds and see what treatment plan is proposed and then go from there on deciding whether or not to really go forward.

Fitness-wise, I’ve been going to the JCC pretty consistently. The gym just got some new ellipticals too that are making me sweat my brains out. Then I sweat some more in the sauna and steam room. I got my shower routine down. Yesterday, I changed up my exercise activity and hit up the pool (where I befriended a very outgoing 9 y/o Latina girl… Why are kids approaching me?!?). Oh and I am back on the self-tanning wagon. I still had some St. Tropez left (given to me by my gal K), so I figured I had to use it up, even though I’m sure K will insist that shit is expired. Whatdya know. Maybe the gym sauna/shower routine is working some kind of magic: No application mitt or anything, and the color is deep, uniform, and streak-free!! Yeehaw.

Yup, still studying my real estate books. Shit is finally starting to sink in. And the info is coming in handy for duties back East. I think I’m finally back on a roll! Just in time for our upcoming weekend getaway. Thank fucking goodness!

Sweating with the Oldies

So it’s been three days since we returned from Europe, and we are still jet lagged, though slowly getting closer to normalcy. Bubbey started off waking up at 2 am on Monday, then 3 am on Tuesday, and now 4 am today. As soon as he gets home from work, he eats dinner and crashes. I have been doing a little better– but still waking up earlier than my usual. Meanwhile, my right eye continues to twitch like a mofo. It all started the day I arrived in London. I thought it was caused by me wearing my contacts for the long flight (10 hrs) and beyond. My eyes got super dry, but even after using drops for days and skipping contacts altogether since returning,  that shit is still spasming. We’re talking two weeks now. I did my WebMD research on this and it seems that the causes are primarily stress, fatigue, wind, caffeine, physical exertion, alcohol. Hmm, I mean I’ve been cranky lately but would I say stressed? The other elements, however, do apply. But that’s never been an issue before. Fuck man, I can feel it: this is 40. I’m getting screwed again.

Motivated by yet another expiring Groupon, I decided that exercise might be the answer once again. Yesterday, I opened up my one-month membership at the JCC. That facility is fucking monstrous, linked with a big retirement community and everything. Two floors, two pools (the indoor one is heated to 87 degrees!!), two saunas in each locker room, and a shit ton of classes. Originally, my plan was to do the yoga classes and then wade around in the pool. But looking over the class schedule, I thought I would try Aqua Stretch this morning, you know, two birds, one stone kind of deal. So this morning, I was up early and made it to the 8:30 am class. I mean, I dunno what I was expecting but all old white women. Ok, well there was one younger lady (I think she was autistic) and one Asian lady. Both of whom left early and the class was only one hour! In the few minutes I spoke to the Asian lady, she said she’d just returned from Europe (I said, “Me too.”) and asked if I bought any luxury goods (like Longchamp bags or whatever that brand is) during my trip. Jesus Christ, am I the only person who’s NOT into luxury goods?!?

Class wasn’t too hard, so it was a nice intro into fitness again. I liked doing the movements in the water, but I’m not really digging the class thing (with the oldies). I dunno, I guess I’m ageist. Afterwards, I figured I would live it up with the amenities. I took a shower there, used the shampoo and bath gel, used the hair dryer and q-tips, stepped into the sauna. Fuck yeah. Granted, there are a lot of naked bodies everywhere which makes a prude like me a tad bit uncomfortable. Then again, I can’t be kept away from my free shit. Haha. I guess I also got good training/exposure to this kind of environment when I joined the fancy gym in Shanghai years ago. Back then, the bathroom/showering facilities were much nicer than our apartment, so I did all my bidness there (after working out, of course). Yeah, I was fucking fit when I was in Shanghai. Sigh.

After luxuriating in the amenities of the JCC, I went home. Dad called. He has friends visiting in May, and he asked me to research fun things for them to do. See? Fucking OnStar over here. But on the plus side, not a single mention about my career/job. This is a record, man! Not since I left SCU at the end of January. I’ve been wondering whether this is deliberate bc he doesn’t want to stress me out, or if given his and my grandparents’ health issues, he no longer believes that stuff matters above all else. I don’t know. Maybe it’s a combo of both. I haven’t even told them I am studying real estate.

My sweet friend M came over today for lunch. She’s so thoughtful. Remembers everything– she’s a tracker like I am. Brought over lunch to celebrate my wedding anniversary. She’s got a fun project going on, and she’s always so freaking disciplined with working out. Super fit and now she’s on some Whole 30 diet that’s uber hard core. She’s sitting there eating a salad while I’m packing away the chips, beans/cheese, AND burrito. That kind of willpower is no games, man. Even in the presence of pure gluttony. SMH.

Tonight, Bubs and I are going out to dinner for our anniversary. Man, can’t believe it’s been 13 years. Then again, it also kinda feels longer than that. Sigh. The wild and crazy life I gave up to be with Bubs. Sacrifices, man. My Chinese peeps better be eating that shit up, bc hell yeah, the struggle is real. 😛

Plant Thieves

For a long while now, J and I have been feeling pretty tired. The last time something like this happened, a coworker of mine suggested I call PGE to check our gas lines and low and behold, they found a pinhole gas leak at the bottom of one of our wall heaters! So, it’s been on my list to just have everything checked once again. I didn’t feel like this qualified for a major emergency, so on Monday, I just called the main line. I was on hold for fucking ever. Finally, I just decided to send in an email. The time was around noon. Basically, I said that we had been feeling tired and the last time this happened, the tech found a small leak. I mentioned this, yes, with the intention of moving it up the queue, but seeing as we had been (possibly) living with this for a while, I didn’t necessarily classify it as URGENT. So I pressed send and went about my day, practically forgetting about the whole email.

At 3 o’clock in the morning, Bubs had fallen asleep on the couch and I was in bed. My phone was buzzing nonstop. Some 877 number. Then I got a bunch of Google voice text messages from PGE: the tech was saying he was here and trying to get inside our gate (which I lock at night with a bolt). I ran out to the living room, and Bubs suddenly got up, saying someone was in the yard. I opened the door and the PGE guy was like, did you just put this ticket in at 2:50 a.m.? Um, no!! Something about how it was urgent and he had to check the house with a gas meter. WTF?? Bubs and I were all disoriented and then I realized what had happened. OMFG. I could not stop laughing. Consumer advocate in action! So the dude was unable to get through to us, so he basically got himself inside the gate and started checking the gas meter in the front of the house. Prior to that, homeboy had also rung the doorbell, which Bub thought was part of his dream. Jesus Christ. Ever since that whole thing happened with Mo and we were unable to get a hold of ANYBODY in the middle of the night, I always sleep with my phone nearby bc shit, emergencies happen. But even so, it took the dude 10-15 min to get us up and moving! Kinda a scary thing to realize. After the initial gas scan, he said PGE would return the next day to check gas on all the appliances in the house (stove, 2 wall furnaces, gas water heater). After he left, Bubs and I had a good laugh. Bubbey said he didn’t know what the hell was going on. He heard the doorbell in his dream and then when he finally registered that someone was outside, he thought the person was trying to steal our plants (yes, the ones that have mostly already been planted into the ground OUTSIDE the front gate). Ah well, obviously, a sleepy brain doesn’t make a lot of sense. I have to admit though: I was a little disappointed bc I always want to live by this quote from the movie Heat. “Don’t let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner.” Clearly, we are just not ready to handle the heat coming around the corner.

In other news, I spoke to dad yesterday. What’s fucking new, he’s majorly stressed again and sounding down. Still dizzy and just in a sad mood. I think his health is really freaking him out, so now more than ever, he is hurrying to consolidate, simplify, tie up loose ends, and take care of business. In other words, he KNOWS mom can’t handle jackshit, so he’s gotta have it all squared away. Fucking co-dependence. Don’t even get me started. Of course, just as the doctor was telling him too much stress and too much long distance traveling was contributing to his problems, Dad books another fucking flight back to Taiwan for May/June. Jesus Christ. Calm the hell down already. I swear, if I am on this same trajectory of stress and micromanaging every goddamn detail, I’ve got to step up the resistance. For realz. Don’t let me go down that path. Incidentally, what this new travel plan means is that I will probably be headed back to Taiwan some time in June to coincide my visit with the parents and check in again on the three grandparents. Of course, that’s my bday month, so I’ve got to tread lightly. Just what I fucking need: daily volcanic eruptions with mom near my bday, right? Shit, I need to start therapy again now just as preventative medicine. FML.

April Rebirth

This month I’m finally starting to feel renewed. Last Friday, my father got the results of his MRI. Thankfully, no tumors/growths appeared on the scans, and the neurologist says his gray-to-white matter ratio looks good, esp considering his age. Phew, what a relief! Of course, dad is still having symptoms of dizziness but for some reason, things don’t seem quite as dire. The doctor suggested that his symptoms might be triggered by lots of stress paired with too many long-haul flights that could muck up the body’s ability to rebalance and adjust to changes and pressure. Maybe that’s feasible.

Dad also reported that the settlement check went through, so no funny business there. Next, he’s going to get in touch with the real estate agent I found (on a referral from our Virginia agent) and talk to him about selling one of his rental townhouses. Hopefully, the ball is finally starting a roll towards true downsizing.

As for me, my dermaroller device didn’t arrive Saturday morning as I had expected. Major bummer. Even so, J and I had a nice weekend: we basically just ran errands and hung out with each other. It was nice. The gardeners were over again all day moving the watering system, setting pavers, and planting my new plants. We modified the step stones (again), so that required yet another change to the plantings. Another trip to the nursery and holy crap, Saturday was apparently THE day to hit up the nursery. Summer Winds was fricking mobbed! My peeps made great progress though, and I believe Operation Front Yard will be totally done with just one more Saturday. Yippee!!! Can’t wait.

In other news, I had a major scare last week regarding our London hotel booking. I’m always scouring multiple sites to price compare (Duh!), so when I looked in my Priceline and Booking.com mobile apps and saw that both listed a reservation for our hotel in London, I started freaking out, esp bc I had JUST passed the free cancellation mark to, meaning the lodging is prepaid and non refundable. Shiit! The thing is, I didn’t know Priceline and Booking.com are affiliated sites, so I thought maybe somehow I had accidentally made TWO separate bookings for the same exact dates. Holy fuck, I nearly had a heart attack. I called the hotel and thank god the front desk said there was only ONE reservation for my name. Then, when I looked more closely on my Priceline confirmation, it listed a Booking.com confirmation, suggesting the same reservation was just cross listed in both sites/apps. Jesus Christ. How the hell was I supposed to know?

On Sunday, after many weeks of procrastinating, I finally bit the bullet and booked a pair of tickets to Les Miserables at the Queen’s Theatre in London. I had been hemming and hawing bc of the cost and also just bc the play is always so emotionally draining… But seeing it in London IS on my bucket list. And the reviews were universally phenomenal. Bubbey reminded me that he didn’t want to go all that way, only to have the shows sold out or with shitty seats. Good point. I got them babies booked. Now I’m super excited about it again.

My dermaroller finally arrived today. This afternoon I started getting nervous about doing the deed… The instructions say not to wear makeup the day of rolling. Well, I had already met with two contractors for our HVAC estimates and I already have plans for tomorrow, so time to get ‘er done! Overall impressions? You can definitely feel the needles. All was fine until I applied a little more pressure and then I drew some blood. My face got really red, like sunburned red. Of course, as soon as I was done, my neighbors came over to walk the dog. I swear my neighbors are probably wondering what the fuck is wrong with my face… I either have zit cream on in public, or my skin is fucking flamming red. What can I say: the price of keeping my acne shit under control, man. I’m eager to see how my skin looks tomorrow. I’m pretty much bracing for another game-changing product. 🙂 No pressure, right?

For the Love of Research

OMFG, I have been in killer research mode. I mean, I know I’m kinda perpetually in research mode bc I’m curious about so many freaking things but lately, the intensity has seriously been elevated. First things first: my vanity. Yeah, disappointed by the ortho visit, I looked into the cosmetic densistry/veneers/bonding route. Turns out the veneers dentist I found is on vacation until next week. So while I wait, I returned to the face research. I was going back and forth via email with one skin clinic doctor, but getting info (esp on basics, like cost of the consult and cost of typical treatment) was like pulling teeth. I know a lot of skin lasering shit is elective and not covered by insurance, but I still need to know how much shit costs before going down the path. Like, who says there is a consult fee and then doesn’t tell you what it is?

Late last night, as Marty was having another restless bout (maybe bc he didn’t get an evening walk… also the Tranquility tincture wasn’t working), just for kicks I thought I’d revisit my old school forums over at acne.org– you know, read their comments about treatments for scarring. Back in the day when my face was a monstrous mess, I combed every square inch of that website. Returning and seeing all the pictures made me feel so sad, bc my god, acne can be so damn traumatizing. To my surprise, there was an entire thread on laser resurfacing… There are different kinds but most people said it made the scarring WORSE, and shit, story after story, people blew thousands and said the lasering like went way beyond just smoothing their surface but changed their face to the point of them not even recognizing their own face in the mirror. WTF??? Like Jennifer Grey shit? Oh fuck no. As I read through the posts, I learned that my scars are actually called ice pick scars, not nearly as bad as boxcar scars which is some really fucked up shit. Goddamn acne, man. It was one of the most damaging experiences of my life… I tear up just thinking about how debilitating it was and I’m so grateful things got better. Who knew that after trying every possible prescription cream and oral antibiotic plus Accutane (that shit did work although for a short time), the ultimate answer would be icing, benzoyl peroxide, and mandelic acid serum (and maybe California air?). But I digress… Last night, a bunch of people suggested subcision and micro needling over laser. What the hell are those? More research. So in both cases, the idea is to use a needle to poke around and under the skin where there is scarring. That “breaks up” the scar tissue and triggers the body to regenerate and create more collagen to repair the area, thereby replenishing it with new skin (and smoother surface).

So this morning, I booked an appointment with M’s doctor for mid April, but I also started looking into this dermarolling/micro needling concept. Multiple before/after pics and YouTube videos later, I’m sold. I ordered a kit from Banish in Los Angeles, and I’ll give it a go. If anything, it’s not just for acne scarring but also for anti-aging and overall skin improvement, like people have also used it for stretch marks and skin tightening too. I’m not gonna lie: the bloody videos are kinda scary and some people say it fucking hurts (You’re essentially rolling a meat tenderizer over your face), but what can I say: I’m a vain beotch, and I want better skin. Stay tuned.

In other news, as I’ve been booking lodging and shit for Europe, I was getting a little nervous about my dad’s MRI results, supposedly coming tomorrow. I looked into trip cancellation insurance and holy crap, our United Air Explorer card has trip insurance built-in, which means in the event of sickness or illness of you or your family member, the insurance covers up to $10k for prepaid travel bookings. I mean, if shit were bad, we would certainly do what we gotta do, but it’s nice just having that piece of mind. I swear, it’s a whole other job knowing about those damn credit card benefits.

I remember a few years ago, I worked with this guy who had a very elaborate system, like if he got gas, he used Card A; if groceries, Card B; if travel, Card C; etc… It was serious, and while I was definitely impressed, I guess there is a point of OVER-optimizing, as Bubs likes to remind me (e.g my dad). So yeah, J and I aren’t super duper on the ball, but man, I do admire the hustle, and I get super excited whenever I uncover little secrets here and there… Speaking of which, have you heard of the Southwest Companion Pass? Holy crap, I just learned of this last week. Yup, I’ve already applied for two cards in an attempt to try and get it. What can I say, a woman’s gotta have goals. Shrug.

Keeping the Household Humming

Some days, I get the sense that Bubs thinks I’m just sitting around twiddling my thumbs and shopping all day online. Admittedly, I am a superstar “researcher” but shit, there’s more to keeping the household humming than just clicking around online. Admittedly, we’ve been on a bit of a spending spree these last several months… What’s that saying, “Happy wife, happy life.” For me, I just want Bubs to be happy. Sounds simple enough, but it’s no small feat for someone prone to depression and negative thinking (actually, both of us!). Bubs works really hard, so whenever he makes a comment or complaint or whatever, I try to be attentive. I’m not trying to be the subservient wife or anything, but he’s my companion and I want to do whatever I can to help create our “best life” together. Ugh, I know. Enough with those fucking Tony Robbins terms. Sorry, not sorry.

Certainly, after I left my job, the first orders of business involved multiple home projects related to the garage and re-organization. But then, Bubbey was frustrated with our disorganized, limited closets, so we got TCS elfa installed. Bubbey said eating out wasn’t good for our diets, so I started cooking more at home, really hustling to have dinner ready when he stepped in the door. Then Bubbey hated our old sofa, so I researched and found a deep-seated sectional. Then, he lamented that we kept postponing our Europe trip and the years were flying by, so I booked that trip (award miles, baby!). Then, he wanted to install ductless heating/cooling to the house, so I’ve scheduled free estimates with two contractors. Then, he said looking at the dead grass (I killed our lawn bc of the drought, and Bubbey loves a green lawn!!) annoyed him, so I took on Operation Front Yard, laying out a plan, researching plants, and directing the gardeners. Yes, I know. I am oozing privilege here bc 1) I have the funds for all these projects and 2) I actually have gardeners instead of having to till the soil and plant the plants myself… Of course, in all these cases, I benefit too bc we have built a life together. And I get satisfaction from being useful and productive. Still, sometimes I get tired of trying to meet every need with minimal acknowledgement. And ultimately, I wonder. Will he ever be happy? Will WE ever be happy? Are we just a couple of malcontents who will never look up despite how much we have and how lucky we are? The theme of “not good enough” surfaces again, and I think of how throughout my life, I have nearly killed myself over this idea of not meeting the standards/expectations, whether they are set by my parents, my family, Bubbey, or myself.

Last week, I started obsessing over my physical imperfections. Honestly, I think the nitpicking was part of a bigger problem of just feeling out of control, esp with the uncertainty of my father’s health. But I’ve always hated my smile. I never show teeth, and even after I got braces taken off in college and I had a straight smile, I hated showing teeth. Now, I noticed that my two front teeth are crooked again. I was so good about wearing that damn retainer for years after brace, but I stopped by the time I was 30. And it shows. I leaned in closer to the mirror and noticed so many pock marks on my nose. That damn nose. It’s been the bane of my existence since forever. After decades of cystic acne, it’s scarred and misshapen. I know these are superficial things, but they are starting to bug me more now than ever. Am I getting greedy? I always think back to my days of youth when I truly believed only two things were required for happiness: 1) a dog 2) no more acne. Remember how I told the universe I would stop complaining if those wishes were answered? Well, look at me now. SMH.

Being the researcher that I am, I figured there’s no harm in gathering information. So I Yelped a few places, and yesterday I went to see an orthodontist. Turns out, J’s dental insurance doesn’t cover ortho at all. Again, it’s just my two front teeth! I’m good with everything else. Well, what could I expect: Orthos are perfectionists too. Long story short, the proposed treatment isn’t just working on those two teeth: no, it’s an entire 18-month long plan with both top and bottom realignments bc my entire line of teeth have to be pushed out to a wider semicircle to create more space for the two front teeth! Fucking A. 18 months of wearing Invisalign for 20-22 hrs/day. And the real kicker? Fucking $8,000!!! Oh, hell no. So I got home all disheartened. I mean, I’m no dentist but can’t they just shave down the front teeth and cap them with veneers? So now I’m going to see a cosmetic dentist next week to ask about some combo of shaving/bonding/veneers to see if we can arrive at a better solution.

Meanwhile, I went to the derm last week for my nose and wtf, the dude hardly had anything to say. He suspects what happened was that the cystic acne deformed my oil glands and pores hence the bumpiness on my nose. Usually, I thought derms could talk laser treatments and resurfacing. Nope, homeboy just wanted me to see a cosmetic surgeon. He said maybe Fraxel could resolve this, but he didn’t even know. Well, shit. Now I blew my one free doctor visit per year on a useless visit. The place he recommended didn’t get good reviews, so now I’m going to check out a skin spa. Ugh, fucking no progress. Maybe if I tackle at least one of the two deformities, I’ll feel better. Then again, maybe I’ll just find a third imperfection to obsess over… Sigh. Some days I exhaust myself.

 

Groupon Grind

Even though I’m now getting better sleep, keeping my mind healthy remains a constant challenge. My parents called this past weekend: dad is still feeling really dizzy and nauseous. He plans to call the neurosurgeon today to make an appointment and maybe get a CAT scan. Scary. I did a light Google search last night about dizzyness, and most of the results come up pointing to ear issues. Honestly though, and this is kind of unlike me bc I’m not generally superstitious, but I’ve been a little reluctant to dig too deeply, afraid of what I might find. The thing is, the ENT last week cleared him of anything serious from that perspective, but my dad says the symptoms suggest problems with the cerebellum so… I dunno. I’m just feeling anxious about so many things.

J and I are headed to Europe next month– for only ten days but I’ve got Marty, who is sleeping through the night now but his back legs are getting weaker and his appetite is fussy again. We gave him subcutaneous fluids yesterday for the first time since December. The new dog sitter was keen on watching him when I met her, but now she has yet to confirm the booking on Rover. Then I don’t know what’s going on with my dad and his health issues. Plus, I still got my three 90+ y/o grandparents in Taiwan (should I visit them sooner than later?). And then my in-laws are struggling and grumpy, stressing Bubbey out. Then it’s tax time and I never feel organized enough with my record keeping.

Job-wise, I decided to pursue the real estate route, but I dunno, I’m feeling other insecurities like what if I’m not a good sales agent or it takes me forever to ramp up or… what will people think? Like we had dinner with some friends on Saturday night, and they’re both in tech/startup and Bubbey’s in tech. After we went around the table kinda catching up on what they’re doing work-wise, I felt so sheepish talking about going into real estate. I dunno. It’s just a constant battle with my confidence, I tell ya. And then, again, I’m almost 40. Why don’t I already have my shit figured out?

I’ve been searching on Eventbrite lately for housing/remodel/green design events. As my friend K has suggested to me before, one avenue is to tie in my environmental engineering background/interests into real estate through like green building or sustainable construction. I dragged J to a home design trends event last Saturday morning at Palo Alto Library. It was kinda cool to see about the latest… who knew there are now porcelain tiles that look like hardwood floors?? Super durable. Some of the other trends def reminded me of what I’ve been seeing on Fixer Upper too. Tomorrow night, I’m going to an event at the Mountain View Library about using your laundry graywater for landscaping. I’m trying to test the waters to gauge my interest in these potential offshoots…

Ultimately though, I know that exercise is critical to keeping my mind from going crazy. I realized last night that my yoga Groupon expires one week from today, and I still have like 8 classes left to use. Yep, I slacked off big time. So this morning, I was up early and I made it to the 9:30 hatha yoga class. Fuck, I can feel how out of shape I am. Fucking lame, but I’m aiming to attend class every day this week. Can’t let those $40 go to waste, right? The factors that trigger me… I’ve also got a Groupon remaining for the local JCC. Maybe I’ll activate that after Europe. My plan is to wade around in their heated pool during the day when (hopefully) no one else is around.