Category Archives: Health

Ghosted

The weekend before I flew back East for the holidays, I managed to score an open house from an agent whose property I had hosted in the past. The open houses were super busy both days. For one thing, TONS of families came through, and OMFG, people let their fucking kids just run feral!!! Seriously, like three or four families, all with multiple kids ranging from 5-10 y/o, chasing the bejesus outta each other throughout the entire house. Upstairs, I heard shit being knocked over… I mean, FFS, the open house is not a goddamn playground. Please control your kids or leave them in the car.

Anyway, my loan officer and I were swamped the whole time, and there were two properties available side by side, so I was running back and forth to show both homes. I gathered lots of info but bc I am still lame about making the case for appointments, zero appointments.

The last hour of the last day, I met a couple who has been renting in my neighborhood just down the street from the open house. Long story short, they said they weren’t working with an agent and they asked me to rep them. I met them again Monday night after they got off work to tour the house again. Since we our initial meeting, I’d been corresponding via email and text with info I would need. After their second tour of the house, they had to rush off for an evening work call and told me they were getting their financing in order and wanted to proceed. Tuesday, I flew out to MD. As soon as I landed (noon their time), I texted that I had an agent covering me should they wish to see houses the week I was out. I also asked to debrief now that they had taken a night to sleep on it. I followed my text later in the night with a call. Went straight to voicemail. No reply for two days. Late Wednesday they finally replied to my texts and vm saying they went to see another house in my neighborhood, a comparable. Originally, they had told me they liked my house better than that one. So I text, do you want to submit an offer on that house. No reply. And then I was ghosted for a week until I returned to town the day after Christmas.

This is just one illustration of how little respect this job garners. People are fucking rude. If you change your mind or your status changes, no problem, but can you fucking let me know? Especially since I am working on my “vacation” from the the East Coast? Also, how old are you? Can you be a professional adult and at least have the decency to let me know rather than to ghost me?!? Who behaves like this?

After I got back to town, I reached out again. Finally, on Wednesday, they called and said they submitted an offer on the other house through the listing broker. No apology, nothing. I didn’t know how to express my disappointment. And then they had some more questions… this is the story with buyers these days: Use multiple agents to squeeze whatever info they can and then just do whatever the fuck they want without remorse. There was some complicated thing too where they didn’t get into contract with their offer. Then a few days later, they were advised by the seller to resubmit. But they were calling me for more information… I dunno. Clearly, the guy was ambiguous and indirect. And just like that, no deal for me. And these are my neighbors, you know what I mean? Whatever.

As for my trip home, it was frustrating as usual. I got along with parents but their indecision and slowness with downsizing is getting to me. Dad is visibly aged from being a caretaker and sole source of engagement and stimulation for mom. I’m exasperated bc things don’t have to be so freaking difficult since they have resources, and yet they make it this way due to stubbornness, resistance, and introversion, so that makes me resentful…

Incidentally, I met up with a childhood friend from 7th grade. Hadn’t seen her in more than ten years bc she just ghosted everyone. Turns out, she moved back in with her parents about seven years ago to work on writing a book and she discovered that both parents were basically living in squalor, unable to care for themselves. She immediately became their primary caregiver, taking them to medical appointments, researching elder care options, cooking meals, getting them dressed, cleaning, etc. She said she turned into a hermit after getting buried with all these responsibilities. Meanwhile, where’s her brother? He lives out of state and is totally useless. No help at all. Big surprise.

Last year, her dad– who has dementia– had a heart attack. Mom who has Alzheimer’s had a stroke. They got moved to a facility near my parents’ house. All prior to this, there were many opportunities to plan, to sign legal papers that would have made things easier. Nope. Refusal at every. Damn. Stage. Savings go fast for eldercare. Now she has to empty and sell the house. Not to mention, seven years of her life gone.

I feel so much anger for my friend. It didn’t have to be like this. Parents, fucking get your shit together. Make a plan. It’s not right that your kids get burdened with all this bc you are unable to take responsibility and provide guidance on where you want to be, what level/extent of treatment you wish to have, what you want for quality of life. This shit is really hitting a nerve with me, bc even though my parents were great at financial planning and growing wealth and whatever, they are now stuck, unable to commit to one place to live, unable to update their paperwork, unable to specify their medical directives and so on. Time is ticking. And wtf is the plan for when one passes and the other survives? There is zero guidance and it is stressing me out bc as with my friend T, my brother is going to be utterly useless.

So anyway, I haven’t been in the best of spirits lately. My MIL moves soon to an assisted living facility. Again, total denial about her diagnosis, her weakened condition, the level of care she needs, etc. And she is completely adamant about NOT moving from her independent living apartment. J and his siblings have been so stressed about making these decisions, they are sick to their stomachs. Honestly, he and his siblings always amaze me with how well they handle these stressful situations and difficult conversations. But goddamn, it didn’t have to be this difficult.

I know all of us will grow old. We will be faced with the inevitable cruelty of mental decline and physical atrophy and we will surely be stripped of independence and choice sooner than we would want to accept. But as much as the articles insist we will ultimately morph into our parents, I still hold out hope that we will learn the necessary lessons to make our transition less painful for those who love and care for us when that time comes. Please let that be true.

A Year in the Biz

So I’ve been intending all along to finish the year out strong by keeping up the pressure with building my biz. What that translates to, is that while many other agents have given up on hosting open houses during the winter, I’ve still been hustling for them every weekend that I’m around. Granted, I DID cut back to one day instead of two to accommodate holiday parties and such, but still.

Sadly, at the end of all this effort, the results in December have been extremely disappointing. In other words, shit traffic. For example, in areas where it’s typical to get 15-20 parties through per day, I’m seeing less than ten and of the ten, more than half are looky loos, aka nosy neighbors! Not a horrible thing, but def not hot leads.

It’s been really frustrating and then when I get down about it, I let everything slide… like I become less aggressive asking for visitor contact info and I’m less engaging while they are on site. The ripple effect from a demoralized mental state is real.

Looking forward though, I know what more I need to do. For instance, I def need to start making more calls to people I know: old acquaintances and friends. Talking to 25-30 people/week–mostly the open house folks– about real estate is not enough. That number needs to be closer to 100. And those calls… Of course, I’m aware of the awkwardness, the length of time that’s passed from when we last spoke, etc. But I read something by one of our seasoned top producers recently, and it was helpful to remind me of why these calls are necessary. Staying in contact is how this biz works. If you don’t stay top of mind, people conveniently forget that you’re in real estate and the next thing you know, your best friend is buying a house from someone else. Shiit. I gotta do it.

In related news, this new career is def changing my perspective on a lot of things. I have more respect and empathy now for salespeople, bc holy shit, this commission-only gig is a stressful grind and no matter how you slice it, that daily, constant rejection is hard. I haven’t personally altered my reaction to salespeople too drastically, but I do try now to hear them out a little more. And I just stay pleasant and polite. Not that I ever slammed the door/phone before, but now I just feel more understanding.

As for me in the sales role, I feel like I am constantly having to re-thicken my skin. Immediately after a round of door knocking or open houses, I’ll generally feel more confident talking to strangers but man, if I let up the following week, I recognized the immediate regression, bc those blows start to sting again. That constant desensitization is I think the only way to maintain some resiliency.

I also look at small businesses differently. I think about all the different facets that go into owners and shopkkeepers running a biz. Unlike with all my past salaried jobs, I no longer focus primarily on my job from that sole contributor vantage point. Now I have to think about medical insurance, taxes, marketing, business infrastructure, vendor expenses, the works! I mean, I LOVE having control over all those areas and I like seeing how it all integrates, BUT it’s also a lot of other stuff to think about and research and optimize. And now I am more aware of that for other business owners. They ARE very different than the big corporate multi-nationals. And in positions where I can, I try to support their businesses. Don’t get me wrong: I still love the selection, price, and convenience of those big boxers like Costco and Amazon, but I have also been buying little goodies or crafts or small things that I see that previously, I would have just passed by. There is something about seeing the enthusiasm and fire in their eyes and compensating them for their work and craft. Seriously, I wear some different lenses now as I move through life… it’s not always about getting the absolute best deal. Many times, yes, but not all the time like before.

Needless to say, as my first year comes to an end, I’m trying hardest to keep the mental clutter in check. Of course, outside of work, the holidays aren’t exactly the best time for me emotionally. I always feel overwhelmed ahead of seeing my family and plus, there’s just so much cultural pressure with you know, the gatherings having to be all festive and joyous. Also, I am still trying to figure out how to manage my daily annoyance re: my brother’s idiotic emails. More on that later.

To their credit, my parents really do try to be chill with me now, but like I’ve said before, my mind and body just have this habitual conditioned response. For instance, Dad keeps asking about my business. His intention I think is to comfort me for not having hit the milestones I’d originally set for myself for this first year… he acknowledges that I’m working hard and not seeing the results that I want, and he reiterates that building a biz takes time… I appreciate all of that but then he’ll say, “You’re not going to quit, right????” I think he just means I need to hang tight, BUT my brain just automatically gets pissy, reading that as some judgement he’s making about my past careers and how I’ve left them when I’ve grown frustrated or unhappy. I dunno how to explain this complex set of emotional bullshit other than that it really is hard for me to NOT take every thing my parents say so fucking literally or critically. Ugh, my sensitivity with them is always sky high.

It took some convincing but J advised that I take a break, so we’re in Scottsdale for a couple of days. I was reluctant at first, bc clearly I am very prone to tunnel vision and falling into that cyclone of despair. I don’t like to be bothered or distracted from focusing on my current problems.  But I’m glad I stepped away.

The break def helps me reset a bit. There’s a lot more to be done, but I know rest and fun are still essential. I’ve been reading recently about how work-life balance is a sham. Honestly, I think it’s mostly semantics, but I do understand this concept that focusing on one area will always detract from another… that’s how priorities work. I suppose the answer then is found somewhere along the lines of “Work hard, play hard.” Be focused on work while at work, but also make time for rest and play. And try to respect those boundaries whether they are delineated hour by hour or week by week or month by month. So I’m going to be more deliberate about adopting that mindset in the coming weeks and new year.

Holiday Rollercoaster

Well, we’re now approaching the thick of the holiday season, so you know what that means: lots of negative feelings and tons of stress. Yup, while most people are getting all excited and cheery about reuniting and celebrating the season with family, my body is having its usual auto response of shutting down.

To be fair, my family has shifted dramatically in recent years, letting go of past obsessions and hostilities, but somehow I am still unable to adapt to these new conditions. And I’ve been feeling a lot of anger again recently. As I mentioned before, my dad has me screen his emails. And every. fucking. day. my brother is emailing dad this bullshit brainwashing content. I’m so damn fed up with it and yet I haven’t brought it up with my parents bc 1) Am I reacting out of habit? 2) Is this just going to make my parents more sensitive to something that perhaps they’ve already let go of? I don’t know, but I seriously cannot talk about my brother without feeling rage bubbling up inside. I mean, for the most part, he and I have been estranged since 2003 and STILL, he drives me crazy!

The other day, I decided to filter dad’s email for all the messages from my brother. I mean in the last year alone, nearly 40 emails about “health” topics. I guess now that he is all transformed by his Buddhist cult and selling his deer placenta, he’s the new authority in healthy living. To give you a flavor of his bullshit, the subject lines read like these:

  • Dad you and mom need to start jogging, to regenerate your brain and bring healthy endorphins into your frozen noncirculating bodies
  • Hey dad read this abt marriage
  • Get a healthy heart through nutrition and exercise not through pills
  • Watch “Vaxxed: From Cover-Up to Catastrophe – Full Documentary (French Subtitles)
  • What is true love?
  • Important, about statins
  • Accepting your spouse’s influence
  • Flu shot kills 100 seniors
  • Watch “I am a doctor and I now know the truth about vaccines #vaxxed #DidYouKnow #Praybig” on YouTube

Sure, some of his links might actually make sense or be helpful, like yes, exercise offers health benefits. Breaking news.

But also, crap like this is in his content: “This is the truth, dad. Sudden infant death syndrome is a euphemism being used for death by vaccination. Please watch this video, it is real people’s testimony not some bullshit study.” Mind you, this from a guy who insists that his fellow cult-member’s levitation story was truthful and legit. And now, he’s on the ‘vaccines cause autism’ bandwagon and tells dad that he needs to sell his Merck stock bc pharms are killing people. His bullshit makes me so mad. I’ll admit. If these messages came from someone else– someone I respected, maybe I would even give it some consideration. But coming from my brother? Go to hell, you fucking man-child idiot. The audacity! Are you seriously giving marriage advice????

What, now you’re a full blown legit medical professional bc you read the “Natural News” wire or you follow Sun Fruit Dan’s Youtube channel? Fuck off. I mean, I know the whole WebMD/Redfin/”I’m an expert in everything now, bc I have access to the internet” phenom is a popular trend now, but at the end of the day, am I going to trust someone who is a member of a cult, who sells supplements in an MLM, and who has a lifetime of ZERO common sense? Nope.

The thing is, I’m sure my parents are more “open” to Johnny’s suggestions than I am. For one thing, they will never admit publicly that their son is weak, easily influenced, and retarded when it comes to decision-making. Also, I suppose if they are trying to maintain some kind of parent-child connection, it’s easier to consider his points instead of just shutting them down. But shit, as his sibling and not his parent, thank goodness I don’t have to play by those stupid rules. His emails are annoying as hell, and I’m sure my dad clicking on that bullshit led to his computer getting infected with that fucking virus. I mean, hello: this is FAKE NEWS at its best. So every time I see this crap, I start thinking up things in my head. Do I just block his email as spam? How about for every email where he’s preaching and telling my parents what they need to do, they reply with a link about religious cults and MLMs preying on uneducated people and antivaxers causing a resurgence in measles and mumps… Or what about replying with links to studies about shitty sons and the heartbreak they cause and how emotional pain kills people?!?! ARGH!

These are the things I think of… and then John says to just let it be. On one hand, if I say something, I’m sure my mother will insist that I’m jealous of my brother and I’m trying to thwart him or discredit him or whatever. If I mark his email as spam in my dad’s email, then I’m making decisions for my parents without consulting them. I dunno. It’s a real dilemma, bc I probably need to bring it up with my dad but I can’t without losing my shit and without skewering my brother. Ugh.

I had my neighbor/friend over for dinner last night. She’s also Chinese American. Let me just say: it is uncanny how many similarities there are with our families. And when I meet other Asian-American daughters with immigrant parents, I see so many troubling patterns. My neighbor says her brother is also lame, unhelpful, and selfish. For real. In all cases, the daughters end up having to handle everything for their parents.

Speaking of handling parental matters, my mother is having incontinence issues again. At first, she insisted (maybe bc of Johnny’s influence) that her incontinence was tied to her taking the western meds. So she stopped taking them. Supposedly, the incontinence stopped. But now it’s back. Hmm, you mean the deer placenta didn’t stop the incontinence?!?!  Duh, so now mom’s struggling with staying dry. I research a bunch of adult underwear– I order a few brands, a few sizes. They show up at my parent’s doorstep two days later. Next thing you know, Johnny will tell her to double her deer placenta dose. Stupid ass.

Here’s the thing about my brother, I don’t really give a fuck what he decides to do for himself. I consider him too far gone anyway. If he wants to take his deer placenta and sit in a fucking oxygen chamber meditating with his Buddhist master, go for it. But don’t act like you know what is best for our parents.

I have an appointment scheduled for mom to see a neurologist at Johns Hopkins next month. I don’t want my brother getting involved with the physician’s diagnoses and treatment recommendations… You know? I mean, there’s no point in me jumping through all these hoops researching doctors, sending forth medical records, following up, etc. if Johnny’s just going to swoop in and tell her to throw it all in the garbage… Literally. He has done that before– told her to chuck all the prescribed meds. He’s a fucking saboteur. Ugh. And sadly, I don’t see how any of this is going to get any easier as we get older.

Back to Home Base

Wow, I cannot believe it has been TEN days already since we got back from Asia. That. trip. SMH. So freaking exhausting. I know, the flight back– at eleven hours flight time– was loads better than the flight there, but shiit, J and I were seriously fucked up by jetlag for AT LEAST a full week afterwards.

I was so bummed after landing bc 1) customs confiscated all six packages of hot pot mix that my cousin gave me. Mind you, these packages were totally commercially, mass-produced products… comparable to like a Lipton dry soup mix. These were not some random mom-pop shop plastic baggie of flavor crystals. It was such a weird exchange too: The customs officer was some Mid-Eastern guy who looked on the back of the package and circled some Chinese characters in the ingredients list. He was like, “Look.” As if I was trying to scam him or sneak something through… Dude, I declared on my sheet that I had food!!!

Also dude. I’m illiterate in Chinese. I dunno what you are pointing out. Supposedly, the characters were “chicken meal/powder”, so just like that, all six packets gone. Annoying, but whatever. Border patrol. Customs. TSA. All you can do is shrug.

2) After we got home, I kept trying to reach out to Sadie’s mom. She was supposed to bring Sadie, the King Charles Cavalier (past Rover client) over later that morning. Finally, at like 30 minutes before our pre-set drop off time, she texted that she’s sick and her trip is cancelled. Boo. No Sadie fix for me.

Just as well though, bc Bubs and I conked for like the rest of the day. Yeah, jetlag is no fricking joke. My dad always talks about it so non-nonchalantly: “I just go to bed at night in my arrival city.” NBD. Yeah, that’s dad for you: Always trying to demonstrate his discipline and self control. Whatever. Our flight arrived before 7am on Wed. I made it to 1pm. That’s the best I can do.

The next few days, I managed to get back into the office and such. But J was a total mess. In his defense, he claims to have read some article stating that jetlag requires one day of recovery for every timezone, so Taiwan is like 16 time zones ahead. Go figure. Yes, it took him DAYS to get out of the jetlag brain fog. I was better, but not by much.

Regardless, I was thrilled to be back home. For one thing, my face had broken out insanely while overseas. Like five monster cysts. Typically, when I am home, I ice those buggers and it reduces the inflammation, but there’s no fucking ice in Taiwan. People just don’t drink beverages iced. So as soon as we got home, we chugged down some iced bevvies. Yes, we are spoiled, wasteful, gluttonous Americans. I also iced down my entire face. Holy crap, my skin was so much better by morning. That said, it could also have been the double whammy with a prescription topical antibiotic. You see, dad saves prescription meds from everything and anything. He travels with a monster packing cube full of drugs. I mean, when you take care of three 90+ y/os and you’re a retired doc, I guess you like to have access to all your supplies. So incidentally, he had a tube of antibiotic cream that Yebbie used two years ago after the hospital removed his stomach tube. In Taiwan, Dad saw the disfiguring cysts on my face and figured this prescription-grade shit might help. He also said something about infections near the nose/eye areas being dangerous… I dunno. I just want those fuckers gone. So anyway, maybe the combo of that with the icing helped my skin calm down.

I mean, don’t get me wrong: Ten days later, I am still dealing with this bullshit BUT it is getting better and at least, my face is not THROBBING like before.

Meanwhile today, I was watching a video from a makeup blogger I follow. She claims to have had acne issues that were really bad and really obstinate after her pregnancy. She finally found something that eliminated her cysts on her chin. So those words are like triggers for me. Being the desperate sucker that I am, I had to watch her video and now I’m going to order her recommended 3-step skin care kit. Sure, everyone and their mother has some cure out there. Why am I trying hers and not the others? I dunno. I just kind of like her… despite her being Mormon and being into fostering/adopting kids. Shrug.

You know me: I don’t identify with any part of that life… still, there is something about her… something grounded about her. She started a makeup line but she is more than a makeup artist. I dunno how to explain it other than to say that she has depth. There is a gravity to her life. And tonight I was just browsing around her site some more, and I came across her post about love and addiction and codependency. Her post is old and from years ago, but it moved me… in some small way, it reminded me of our darker days when J really struggled with his depression. She tried. so. hard. Hers is a sad story, and yet, look at her now: She is strong. She is happy. She is thriving. I can’t help but admire her strength. So now I’m buying her skincare set… well, on Cyper Monday when it’s supposed to go on sale. 🙂 I hope it improves my skin, bc yes, I’m back to that pain in the ass problem again… at 42 y/o.

Tears of Pain

I’ve been really sick the last 48 hours. What I thought to be a simple sore throat on Tuesday turned into a full blown throat infection that fucked up my face, not to mention my breathing, eating, drinking, and speech. Fucking A. I was so excited to work this weekend, bc I got a killer open house two miles from home. Friday night, I hosted it open and I was already feeling uncomfortable but man, on Saturday, I woke up and my throat was like partially blocked from all the swelling. Everytime I swallowed, my face winced in pain. Oh god, it was awful. I called the advice nurse and she suggested I go in to see the doctor. I mean, seriously. The pain was so bad, I was crying and nothing gave me relief. I tried icing, all that honey/lemon, ACV, hot water, cold water… everything. I was so pissed I had to cancel the open house. But shit man, it was a good thing I did bc the following 24 hrs before the penicillin kicked in was even worse.

The doctor didn’t see white spots on my throat but he definitely noticed the swelling and said antibiotics would be his method of treatment regardless of whether it swabbed positive for strep. I’ve never had a sore throat on just ONE SIDE. So weird. My self-diagnosis seemed to suggest some form of tonsillitis but I dunno, the doc didn’t say anything. He didn’t seem that worried, but shit man, my speech was slurred and everything. He said if I didn’t see improvement by Monday, I’d have to go to the emergency room. Great.

So Saturday all day I was in bed, crying from the pain. It hurt so damn bad to swallow. I was all jacked up on Advil plus the antibiotics. I had planned a short getaway for us to Lodi wine country to celebrate our 21st anniversary of togetherness. All canceled. I swear I get sick at the most inconvenient times. So yeah, slept all through Saturday and most of today. But just like clockwork, I felt noticeably better at the 24-hr mark. Thank fucking goodness for western meds. The face swelling went down and I was able to eat Bubbey’s homemade chicken soup. Whew. It was really  bad.

Then dad called and he had some weird heart palpitations on Friday, so he went to the doctor. He did the heart monitoring and will get results on Tuesday or Wednesday. Doctor said it was some idiopathic benign erithmea or something. Meanwhile, dad is dragging ass still on updating the living will and establishing the advance directives. I got all frustrated with him: it’s clearly paralysis from overwhelm, but it’s like he can’t even communicate to me what needs to be done so I can help. It’s super frustrating. He says mom’s condition is worse and now his sister (my aunt) is bathing her and washing her hair. WTF? I mean, I just saw mom in July. Are they over-coddling? This makes no sense. And if she indeed needs that much care, why aren’t they applying for the professional help? He is unable to explain clearly to me why these decisions are playing out this way. So I contact the American consulate to inquire about advanced directives… and whether there is something equivalent there. No answer except for a list of English-speaking doctors. Fine, so no number and I email one of the docs. Everything takes so long to find the goddamn answer.

I call my mom and no one answers the fucking phone. Call my aunt. Text her on Line (mobile app). No reply. This is what I’m saying; how the fuck are we living in 2017 and it takes like 24 hrs to reach someone??? Ridiculous. Meanwhile, stupid brother keeps emailing dad all this hyperbaric oxygen chamber shit. Ugh. I just can’t take his bullshit anymore. Seriously. Get the hell out of our lives already, you useless POS.

Tomorrow is Monday again. Another weekend lost and an endless list of shit to do. Oh well. Grateful to be better today. I’ll just have to get to the other shit one by one. Anniversary weekend in Lodi moved to next weekend. Maybe I need to ease up on the work just a little. Work smarter not harder and all that. Sigh. Tired again. Time for bed.

Marvels of Medicine

Well another busy week has come and gone. After my candid camera open house incident last Saturday, I hopped a red eye to Wilmington NC to help my childhood friend with her knee replacement surgery.

Long story short, the good news is that surgery went well, and she is already up and moving with the help of a walker. I mean, the entire knee except for the patella was replaced so to me, what another fucking marvel of modern medicine. I was worried at first about her getting the procedure done in small town Wilmington but as it turned out, the hospital staff were incredibly nice and with Wilmington being a big retirement spot, lots of knee replacements are getting done! She seemed to be in very capable hands.

The downside of this trip was basically the realities of adulting. When you're a working professional without a spouse, without many close friends, plus you don't have a workable relationship with your mother, shit gets real real fast.

N is probably my longest friend but she has quirks that make her difficult, esp when she is under excruciating pain and you're a caretaking newb… Man, I was losing my own damn patience, of which there was very little in the first place. Honestly, some days I think it's a shitty deal to be a responsible doer kind of personality. I mean, look at my brother. All he has to ever care or worry about is himself. Doesn't even have to provide tech support, buy plane tickets, call vendors and contractors, research random things, provide any kind of help or support to anyone. And he just skates on by…. Fucking bastard. Oh well. My life is what it is. I'm privileged and lucky on so many other levels. Interestingly, my father shared a Chinese saying the last time they were here: the one who is most competent does the most. I have seen how this plays out with my father and his marriage and family. Sigh.

Anyway, I'm relieved N's surgery went well and it was good to be there as a buffer between her and her mother. I, of all people, understand that. I know too that it meant a lot to have me there, bc N was anxious. Still, eventually, I had to go home, and now she and her mother are left to figure recovery out together.

The whole thing just really highlighted for me how much a spouse contributes to a relationship. I mean, having a partner in life isn't just all about the good times. There are situations where you really need help and support, and so this trip made me see that all those compromises I sometimes complain about… they are worth it bc ultimately, love is a beautiful thing. It requires a shit ton of work so I won't say it's a gift that just gets handed to you, but there is so much comfort and security in knowing that someone really has your back during your most vulnerable moments. Even with all the good friends that I have, I can say with certainly that few people can really fill that space in urgent times of need. I used to always say friends are the family we choose for ourselves. That's only partially true. Sure, friends are helpful and wonderful assisting with the day to day but man, when health problems and life/death shit come into play, it's a different beast. I can use myself as an example. I'm super great friends with J&J, but when they wanted us to be custodians for their kid should anything happen, I declined. That's just not something I'm going to take on. I mean, if I'm not willing to take on kids for my own parents, I'm not going to do it for friends. I guess that really highlights how there are still differences and limits.

I was eager to help N but thankfully, it was a very short period… From her perspective, she definitely could have used more help, you know? Anyway, the recovery is going to be a bitch. She definitely has a very long road ahead. She's off work for a month. Her rental apartment is on the second floor of an old Victorian house. The stairs are crazy narrow and uneven. Thankfully, her mother's house is all one level and there is enough space… but they might just drive each other bonkers. I dunno. It will just have to be worked out.

Meanwhile, in vanity news, my face is all kinds of breaking out. The cysts are back. Of course I got shit sleep while I was in NC. It was seriously like being back in the hospital with my grandfather when he fell. There was minimal down time. Between the constant discomfort requiring adjustments or meds or water or icing or re-propping of pillows and towels… there was a lot going on. Maybe if I had kids, all of this would be NBD. I mean, obviously N's the one going through the thick of it but fuck man, caretaking really kinda sucked.

I'm now on my flight back home. I'm beat, but I'm slated for another open house this weekend. Like I said, I'm still in that mode where I just can't be bothered to chill the fuck out. Not yet.

Manipulator

Well, now I am royally pissed. I spoke with my father a few hours ago to follow up on whether mom started the Parkinson's meds. Dad sounded extremely frustrated and tired. After peppering him with questions, including "Why the fuck isn't she on the new meds?", he said mom wants to only take the deer placenta supplements, and she has decided to stay up in Taipei (even though their retirement home is in Kaohsiung). He said she is going to do what she wants to do. And then I got it. Fucking Johnny! Goddamn asshole.

So now it's almost 1am, and I am fuming. So goddamn angry. Especially having recently watched Betting on Zero, a documentary about a hedge fund manager going after Herbalife for their questionable practices, I'm so freaking. enraged. I started drafting an email:

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http://bettingonzeromovie.com/

You are a worldclass manipulator. It is beyond me why mom much less anyone should listen to you and follow ANY of your health advice when you have zero medical training and zero science background. You act like you are some Buddhist lover of humanity, but you have only given her and our family a lifetime of pain. Your bullshit is never ending.

Bc of your special status as the first born, you have the unique privilege of influencing her decision-making such that she is choosing to trust a scammer like you over people who have loved and cared for her her entire life. 

Western medicine and pharmaceutical companies are not to blame for killing people. It's people like you who are taking advantage of the elderly and the weak, promising them hope and miracles and unicorns all while misleading, robbing, and isolating them from those who truly love them. I am not blind to your selfish motivations.

If doctors and drug companies are scamming people for money, wtf are YOU doing? Your product costs $400/bottle/month in Taiwan where the average monthly income is $1,300. Your shit isn't even covered by insurance so way to make this "life-changing supplement" accessible. If your intentions with mom are so good, why don't you just charge her at your own product cost? You are an opportunist and a fucking liar. Everything you involve yourself with is cult-like, insincere, and fake. I will never trust you, and it's too bad mom is cognitively impaired and unable to make sound decisions.

In case you need a reminder, I am familiar with your track record. World Finance Group. Your bullying, "Buddhist" club that kept urging me to pay an annual membership fee even though I don't even live in the city to participate in its membership meetings and activities. Now this Riway deer placenta nonsense.

Mom needs to take her Parkinson's meds, you asshole. I took her to a legit neurologist, not some voodoo quack David Koresh "master."

Let's not forget how you have subjected her to nearly half a century of heartache– that which surely has contributed to her emotional, mental, and physical decline. How convenient that now you can step in and offer her a "solution"… and an expensive one at that. I have critical thinking skills and independent judgement, and I will fight you to the end.
***

I'm going to sleep in this, but I'm telling you. Is it any wonder why I have sworn off kids? He is a fucking neverending nightmare. I mean, he has now made Taiwan entirely toxic for me. I do not feel comfortable having my mother live under his influence, and I don't want her getting medical care there either. The medicine there is just not as advanced as in the States. I'm feeling like I want them to move to California esp bc I don't want them dealing with my con-man brother. Even if they can filter his bullshit, it's not good for them.

But what can I say. My mother is retarded when it comes to defending her son. And if she insists on staying there and being manipulated, no one can help her. She's a lost cause. Man, is this why dad has dragged ass about moving there full time? Was he trying to limit her exposure? I dunno. So damn complicated.

Hungry Squirrels

July 10 was a big day for me. First, my deal closed and I handed my buyers their keys. Then, both Bubbey and my parents descended into the town. Bubbey had been on a 10-day jaunt through Europe with his sister (he LOVED the trip!!), and my parents were stopping off in the Bay Area for a week before heading back to Taiwan. What else. Stormy went home that day. It was a good friend’s bday. And it was Amazon Prime Day. Kind of a lot of things all at once, you know?

So the week with the parentals went well: I mean, probably the BEST it has ever gone. Obviously, we have had an extremely conflict-ridden and tumultuous past, so it was both a relief and kind of a shock to just get along for that duration. I know, it sounds so simple, but what can I say, my family relationships haven’t been easy.

I suspect the biggest explanation for this shift is that aging and fragility changes things. I swear my parents used to push ALL my buttons, and then we would argue and yell and I was adamant about always getting in the last word, always winning the argument. Admittedly, I was ruthless. There was an anger inside me that was convinced everything I said and did, no matter how hurtful, was righteous bc it was honest. But things are so different now. My father appears so much smaller, frailer, older that before. He is still mentally sharp and quite lucid, but he is not as ambitious, not as gung ho. He still is kinda preachy with his stories and he will always try to impart lessons/life wisdom but he’s less rigid. And my mom: when I look at her, her eyes convey some spaciness, some confusion. She giggles for no apparent reason. She no longer feels like my nemesis. Rather, she is a harmless old lady. Since her medical issues, they don’t bicker like they used do. Dad is much more patient with her. He explains things over and over, but without the previous irritation. There is a palpable tenderness in how he guides her and cares for her. Their relationship is better bc as J even expressed: they have both just chilled so much the fuck out. It is a dramatic change. I mean, I really had so many decades of conflict and escalating situations… it’s mind blowing to evolve into a relationship that is entirely the opposite of what it used to be. I’m sure mortality and life experience brings about this new perspective. I feel, again that my 40s are so very different from my 30s and 20s. When I interact with my younger friends, I often see bits of my former self inside them: I was such the activist, so insistent on right and wrong, so unyielding with my judgments of others… I realize now just how complicated life is. Just how complex people and relationships are. I still feel a strong natural pull towards this idea of radical honesty… but I also see that other people, even those who hold beliefs or ideas that I oppose, they have pain and hardship and struggle. Life is a beotch for all of us– to varying degrees and in different realms. But there is emotion and feeling even among the most stoical of beings. Ultimately, kindness matters. I have to say, one of the biggest lessons I learned in marriage counseling was that being right isn’t the most important thing, esp among people you love.

So what all did I DO with my family? I continued to work, and some days J was kind enough to hang with my parents. He took them to the Chinese market. We drove them around the neighborhoods. We toured a few homes in MV. I thought maybe we would work on that plan of trying to get them to buy out here, but it’s not happening. Not only is Dad turned off by the price, but Taiwan really is home to them. We found a few tasty Asian spots. We also got steamed dungeness crabs. We made dinner at home and ate out on the patio and sipped some wine. Funny thing: I never really consider J and me as people who are super good at being happy and at enjoying life, but I suppose relative to my parents, we’re like total sybarites. Ah well, that’s a compliment. I’m tired of being chronic mal-contents: there is so much to be grateful for. What else: we took them to play bocce ball, which I introduced to my dad last January when he visited us solo. He LOVES bocce ball. I almost feel like I need to find someone in Taiwan to build dad a court. We also watched some Chinese movies. See? We did so many chill-out things. And I have to say: J is AMAZING with my parents. He truly is such a wonderful son. He asks them things, really engages in conversation with them, he pays attention to things they like… it really filled my heart with joy seeing how kind and genuine he is with them.

As for the logistical things: we took mom to the neurologist at PAMF. I was very pleased, bc he was ultra thorough. He ran the cognitive test, reviewed all her brain scans, and talked with us extensively (for an hour!!). In the end, the good news is that he said her condition is not advanced enough to be dementia. He says she has mild cognitive impairment, which frequently but doesn’t always, leads to some kind of dementia. Observing her interactions and movement, he suggested Parkinsons or a derivative. Then, based on her MRIs, he recommended putting her on stroke-prevention meds. The other recommendations were to walk a lot, stay physically active, and then see neurology specialists about potential Parkinsons. I really like this doc, but the sad news is that my parents are now back in Taiwan and I mean, who knows what kind of medical care they are getting back there. J’s dad also had some form of Parkinsons, and the way that was confirmed was by him taking the meds and seeing a dramatic improvement. I’m going to tell dad to try that with mom and then beyond that, I suppose just up the exercise and social stimulation. At this point, I suppose quality of life trumps all the medical stuff.

I did notice that mom was crazy hungry, esp late at night. Some evenings, I would awake to hear rummaging in the kitchen. Dad was like looking for cereal and nuts for her; mom then got a hold of John’s nougat from Europe (my parents never eat sweets) and devoured that… it was really weird. J and I started calling them hungry squirrels bc of the late night binging. I dunno if it’s her meds or what…

Anyway, I gotta run to my open house now, but overall, we had a good visit. There are more unanswered questions about the future but I suppose the answers aren’t coming anytime soon, so might as well let them simmer.

 

Officially Old

So my friend G is turning 40 next month, and she’s kinda freaking out bc everyone she knows warns there is a noticeable shift when you turn 40. I’m sure some part of her thinks her friends are being overly dramatic, that there isn’t really a threshold that gets crossed… I suppose everyone has a different experience, but if I’m just speaking for J and me, turning 40 was not just some imaginary threshold. Shit got real. Big. Time. Some examples? First off, remember when Bubs tore his calf muscle just from getting out of his office chair to answer the doorbell? Yeah, even the doctor was incredulous bc typically that kind of muscle tear happens when people are running a race and you know, just busting out too fast from the starting blocks. As if we’ve done ANY kind of running in the last ten years of our lives. SMH.

Another example? Bubbey just ordered progressive eyeglasses. I mean, sure he got them from hipster shop Warby Parker. That does NOT erase the fact that he now needs special lenses that allow him to read books. OMFG.

Meanwhile, I am not faring much better. My skin and hair are going to the dumps. I dunno if it’s the stress of a new career or what, but shit is losing elasticity and luster. Also, I had to go to the doctor recently to talk about excruciating foot pain. Yeah, multiple times in a month, I got a shooting pain in the center of my foot. It was almost like a charlie horse or muscle spasm except that pulling back my big toe did nothing to alleviate the pain. And the pain lasted for several minutes. OMG it hurt so badly. Naturally, I did my own research on WebMD and between that and my grandma and dad having gout, I was convinced I had consumed too much purine-rich foods and screwed myself over. Well, the doctor immediately said no to the gout. And then he asked to look at my shoes. I was wearing my red Timberland wedges which I love and never had issues wearing before… until I turned 40. Yeah, those are the culprit, the doc says. The footbed slope is too high. So basically, I was told to take Advil and to do special toe stretch exercises, which essentially entail me putting my pedicure toe separators on my feet. And now I have spent like two hours scouring all the online shoe sites searching for decent looking old lady shoes. It. Is. Exhasperating. I am looking at all the old white lady country club brands: Rockport, Easy Spirit, Aerosoles, Clarks, Dr. Scholls, Hush Puppies… I ordered four pairs from Macy’s and only one pair from that lot might work. I’ve ordered another four pairs from 6pm. We’ll see how those do. Fucking A.

In other news, the lease for my Bimmer is coming up at the end of the year. J insists that I need a bigger car to schlep around all my realtor cargo. Those fucking open house signs are so fucking bulky plus the prep bins plus my mobile command center… So he has compiled a list of SUVs. Since my car will be a tax deductible business expense, I’ll likely do a lease. Still, I’m a cheap mofo and after looking at all the SUVs, I’m now leaning towards a mini-van. Yes, this is perhaps THE ultimate indicator that I am an old beotch, bc I just don’t fucking care anymore! My friend K commented that we will be the world’s ONLY childfree couple living the minivan lifestyle. Truth. That said, the minivan pretty much has the same cargo space as the SUV PLUS better gas mileage PLUS quieter transmission PLUS slider doors. And Bubbey has been hankering for a minivan for a long while (See? He’s old too.). I mean, at the point that I am having to wear orthopedic shoes, I might as well just give in to being an all around frump-a-dump. Seriously.

Trip Home

I forgot to update on our short trip home last weekend. What can I say: I still always feel some element of dread when I’m about to see my parents. It’s like a constant reminder of how to live life differently. Not in all ways, but in many ways. 

My father made some progress geting rid of stuff. And actually, his former office manager came to the house on Sunday with her kids and a huge trailer to haul off my old bedroom furniture and some new twin mattresses from the basement. I was glad that they turned out to be serious/actual takers and our stuff is going to be used. But I got so overwhelmed by it all, even just cleaning out my bedroom in prep for them to take the furniture. I mean, there’s like 35 years worth of stuff in that house. Nathalie drove up from NC for the weekend and helped, but she could see that it was too much for me. She reiterated the same things John has said: don’t waste your remaining time fighting and arguing with them about downsizing logistics. After they are gone, you will have full control over how to get shit done. It’s so true, and yet the clutter and stuff just stresses me out. N also commented about how old my parents are getting. It’s been probably seven years since she saw them, and I mean, obviously they are a much frailer version of their former selves.

And my mother is not well. Dad has been wanting to stimulate her brain with Chinese puzzles and games, but she is kinda beyond that now. We tried playing Chinese checkers and she kept playing a turn when it wasn’t her turn. I’ve seen this behavior before with my maternal grandmother and mahjong. Of course, my maternal grandmother is in her 90s. My mom isn’t even 70. Dad had been saying that he’s noticing more cognitive decline, and I was thinking he was just overreacting: mom has always been confused. But John also noticed. 

This trip I really observed how faithful and loyal my father is with my mother. He repeats his answers to her even when she asks the same shit over and over. He still is patient and remains her dedicated companion. He doesn’t show frustration or resentment towards her about it… he just remains true. It makes me wonder about my future. It is so hard for me to be patient and kind to my parents… even knowing what I know about her illness. I have my doubts about my caretaking abilities. And a part of me also worries about my own mental state. If I lose my cognition, what will happen to me? There is some element of fear for the future– both theirs and mine.

I see too the emotional burden this takes on my father. He has a history of taking on burdens and of being the dependable one for everyone. But I worry about his mental state, bc I know caretaking is incredibly taxing. Mom is supposed to get the results of her MRI on May 31. She is taking meds that are supposed to slow the cognitive decline, but the decline is still apparent.

I think the emotional toll on my dad is manifesting in the form of procrastination and paralysis regarding the house and his real estate properties in the area. I can understand the overwhlem and how debilitating it is. So for now, my offer is to suggest California as an option for their US base. Move out of MD, and get something in CA. Yes, it’s expensive and taxes are insane. But Stanford is right down the road, John and I are here, there is a legit Chinese community here, AND Taiwan is a direct flight away. For so many other reasons, CA just makes sense. 

After I got back from Maryland, I made a ton of calls and found a Chinese-speaking neurologist and geriatric specialist in my area. I confirmed that both physicians take Medicare. I got my mother registered as a new patient with PAMF, should she want to get care here. They may come out in July to stay for a week or so, before flying on to Taiwan. I suggested making some medical appointments for that time.

My mother is also speaking exclusively in Chinese at his point– probably bc they don’t really socialize much in MD. Taiwan offers more stimulation for her. My dad can’t be her one-stop shop for everything: socialization, activities, etc. Anyway, all of it is pretty damn depressing. And every visit, I’m still reminded of how distant we are: we just don’t have a close relationship. But I suppose rather than be disappointed and frustrated, I have to focus on what I can do for them. I do know how to get things done, and if that is the only thing I can do for my parents, I’ll be damn good at that.
Meanwhile, my MIL is in a similar boat. She has been going to physical therapy which has given her more stamina. That said, she’s still getting older, like everyone else. With every visit, the changes become more and more apparent. I know I’m like a perpetually stressed-out person, but this period in my life truly feels unlike any other. It’s almost as if all past periods of stress were like fake or trial runs or I dunno, tiny niblets building up. I thought those times were really serious, but I see how that the shit is just now starting to hit the fan. I feel neither ready nor prepared, but I guess that is the theme for life from here on out.