A few days have passed since we said goodbye to Marty. I have periods of functionality, and then suddenly, I’ll be overcome with emotion. I’ve been feeling really tired lately, and my eyes, even though they no longer appear swollen, feel tight and tired, like I can’t open them as widely and as alertly as I used to.
On Saturday, I met up with M and T for lunch. We met first at M’s house. As soon as she opened her front door, I started to cry. It’s weird bc I can be totally fine (although in this particular case, I had already melted down twice in the car on the way there) and then as soon as I share the news or someone acknowledges the news, I break down again. Anyway, we had a good time remembering Marty, talking through things, and such. M showed off her home’s latest additions– voice-activated lighting: that place needs to be featured in a home design magazine for reals! Everything is meticulously selected, arranged, and maintained. Whenever I get home after visiting her house and/or T’s house, I feel like our Houseboat is just kid’s play. Anyway, they both gave me gifts which cheered me up and then we headed off for lunch. After spending two days hidden from the world, it was good to get out and interact with people again.
Of course, as soon as I got home, poor Bubbey was a mess. He had culled every single photo of Marty into a single album. And it took him 90 minutes to go through picture by picture… blurry, shitty pics and all! Seeing Marty as a young pup really made him realize just how much our boy had aged and slowed down.
Tonight, Bubbey was telling me that losing Marty has been a lot harder than with Remy, in part bc the decision with her came so unexpectedly, with the vet advising it on what we thought was just another office visit. Also, she was in so much worse shape. With Marty, he really was looking and moving ok that day. There was almost an arbitrary nature to our decision… and in that sense, we really struggled with this responsibility of playing God. Some days, like when we look at how much he did as a young dog, we feel like we waited too late, that long ago, he had already stopped doing so many things he used to love: chasing critters at the park, running through the fields, sitting adroitly for treats… Other days though, we still hear him struggling to get up from his bed or climbing through the doggie door or rustling around in the yard. We wake up and think we’ll be taking him to the park for a walk that morning… J and I aren’t particularly great at creating and maintaining habits, but some of these elements have just become so ingrained after all these years.
Last night I was up late fidgeting around with photos. I wanted to print small square prints to include them in my thank you notes to people who contributed to the donation drive. Yesterday, J and I dropped off an entire trunk full of gifted items: food, towels, blankets, treats, collars, leashes, and coats… I was happy to gather a sizeable amount of stuff, but it was challenging pulling into the parking lot, where I came last year to pick up Marty after he’d gone to the elementary school.
I dunno: I guess I’m just rambling now. The bottom line is, the empty nest feels very quiet. With Remy’s passing, we still had to continue about our lives with Marty. Now, it’s just the two of us. Every day continues to be a struggle. I miss him so much, and it’s really hard to feel festive without our little buddy.
My thoughtful cousin AH, who visited two years ago right after Remy passed away, called me yesterday via FB Messenger.
Turns out, he’d been following my Instagram feed closely, bc he knew Marty was so fragile. And with every post, he was copying and pasting my English caption into Google translate to see in Chinese what I was saying. I was so touched to learn that he was keeping tabs on Marty. He said he was thinking about coming back to visit just to see Marty one last time.
After our call, I was curious about the translation, so I popped it in and listened to the Chinese audio over and over. The translation was surprisingly accurate. Google Translate, man. So freaking sophisticated.
